Been A While.... Update

Haven't forgotten about this blog. Just been....
Keeping myself busy and repairing years of damage.

Honestly, when most people are not TAUGHT how to....
SUPPORT themselves physically, emotionally, mentally....
THEY TEND NOT TO DO IT.

IS IT THEIR FAULT THEY NEVER WERE TAUGHT HOW?
NO! IT'S NOT!

IS IT THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO LEARN, 
AS AN ADULT? YEAH.

In my 20s, I didn't have my priorities "straight."
I also put myself LAST in many ways.

I wasn't used to prioritizing my NEEDS.

Primarily, my NEED for STABILITY.
PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND MENTALLY.

Sure, I "knew" I needed that....
BUT I LOOKED OUTSIDE MYSELF FOR THAT.
ALWAYS.

CAN'T FIND IT OUTSIDE MYSELF.

Here's a metaphor:

It's like misplacing your KEYS inside your "place."
INDOORS....
BUT..... YOU LOOK FOR THE KEYS OUTDOORS.
WHERE YOU DIDN'T LOSE THEM.
WHERE THEY AREN'T.
THEY AREN'T THERE.
THEY ARE INDOORS.

So why look for something somewhere
IT ISN'T?
WILL YOU FIND IT?
SOMEWHERE IT ISN'T?
NO!
BECAUSE IT'S NOT THERE!

I'm "disorganized."
Mentally, I'm getting a bit better...
But physically, I'm not "there," yet.

Patience is something that is a "virtue."
But.... We can actually apply it to ourselves.

While in the process OF CHANGING.
MANY THINGS.
DIRECTION, HABITS, PATTERNS, EVEN ACCESS.

And with changing can come GRIEVING.
"LOSS" OF WHAT WAS.
EVEN WHEN WHAT WILL BE AND CAN BE
IS EVEN BETTER THAN WHAT WAS.

I went through that "phase" when I quit drinking.
I felt like I was grieving. 
Being an active alcoholic.
"FRIENDS" I THOUGHT WERE MY ACTUAL FRIENDS.
FEW STOOD BY ME
AFTER I QUIT DRINKING.
VERY FEW.

THOSE WHO DID WERE THERE FOR "ME."
NOT BECAUSE I DRANK, TOO.

THE ONES WHO BOUNCED...
WERE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH "ME."
"SOBER ME."

I joined a group about RECOVERY.
I made a post asking if people went to AA
and if it helped, what helped?
If something didn't resonate with them, what didn't?

I went to AA meetings for 6 months.
My first 6 months of sobriety.
It did help in some ways....
It didn't help in some other ways.

Some things resonated and were effective.
Some things didn't resonate with me at all.

I learned that only 30% of recovering addicts 
NEVER RELAPSE.
AND STAY QUIT.

70% RELAPSE.

What's the difference?
What makes THE difference?

Between those who NEVER RELAPSE....
AND THOSE WHO ARE MORE PRONE TO?

WHAT???? MAKES THEM MORE PRONE TO?

I come from a dysfunctional family.
So dysfunctional that I was supposed to be proud
to be as dysfunctional as I truly was.

I was so dysfunctional that I was extremely dysregulated.
How was I to know....... HOW....
TO REGULATE MYSELF?

WAS ANYONE TEACHING ME?
ANYTHING RELATED TO THAT?

DOES THAT GET TAUGHT?
BY DYSFUNCTIONAL PEOPLE?
TO DYSFUNCTIONAL PEOPLE?

WHEN YOU'RE IN SOMETHING....
YOU CAN'T SEE IT.

You might have seen it, 
BUT YOU STOP SEEING IT.
YOU BECOME "BLIND" TO IT.

LIKE "SMELL BLINDNESS."
WHEN SMOKERS CAN'T SMELL THEMSELVES.

WHEN I WAS A SMOKER, 
I COULDN'T SMELL THE STINK OF CIGARETTES.

I DATED A GUY WHO DIDN'T SMOKE WHEN I DID.
HE STILL TOOK A CHANCE ON ME.

I USED TO DRINK AND SMOKE AT THAT TIME.
IN MY 20S. WHEN I DATED HIM.

I DIDN'T COME FROM THE FUNCTIONALITY HE DID.
HIS FAMILY WAS OPPOSITE TO MINE.
SUPPORTIVE ETC.

I WAS LUCKY TO EVEN BE ACCEPTED INTO THAT.
FOR AS LONG AS I WAS.
FULLY, WHOLE-HEARTEDLY.
HONESTLY.

YES, I THINK ABOUT HIM, STILL.
HE'S A CATCH. I KNOW. I DATED HIM.
I MISS HIM. 

I DIDN'T DESERVE HIM.
ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.

HE PUT UP WITH TOO MUCH BS FROM ME.
HE NEVER DESERVED THAT.

I threw it all away because...
I thought I was doing "the right thing."
BY SETTING HIM FREE.

SO HE COULD BE FREE OF ME.
OF MY BS. 

BECAUSE I WASN'T READY.
HE WAS. I WASN'T.

EVEN IF I WAS READY OR CLOSER TO BEING READY, NOW....
IT'S TOO LATE NOW.

I HAD THAT CHANCE.
NOT A CHANCE I'LL JUST "GET" AGAIN.

NOT AFTER BEING AS FKED UP AS I WAS.

HE HAS WHAT IT TAKES TO ATTRACT ALL KINDS OF GOOD THINGS
INTO HIS LIFE AND I WANT THAT FOR HIM, EVERYTHING GOOD FOR HIM.

THE ONLY REGRETS I HAVE FOR THAT RELATIONSHIP....
WAS.... NOT BEING READY....
TO MEET HIM....
WHERE HE WAS AT.
WHERE HE DESERVED FOR ME TO BE AT.
I WAS VERY UNDERDEVELOPED.....
IN MANY WAYS....

BUT THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE.
IT'S A FACT.

A fact that... I have had to accept about myself....
AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT.

I wasn't ready to GROW & CHANGE.
EVEN THOUGH I COULD HAVE & SHOULD HAVE.

DID I KNOW HOW?
NO. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW....
BUT I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT HOW....
BEYOND NOT KNOWING HOW.

BUT NOT THINKING ABOUT HOW...
WASN'T..... DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

WASN'T DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THE FACT....
THAT I HAD TO GROW & CHANGE.

I WAS THE ONE WHO SABBOTAGED IT ALL.
I WAS THE ONE WHO RUINED IT.
NOT HIM.

WASN'T THINKING, DIDN'T THINK.
BLEW IT.
MY FAULT. NOT HIS.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE I COULD 
"MAKE THAT RIGHT."
BECAUSE IT WASN'T.

It's not like I could just "apologize."
It's not like he'd just "forgive" me.

It's not like things would just "be the same."

Especially after all this time.

That's part of why I've been intentionally single for a long time.
Since my last relationship.
I tried to date a few times after that, but....
I realized IT WAS A DISTRACTION
FROM DEALING WITH MYSELF
AND MY OWN ISSUES.

NOT JUST "LOOKING FOR LOVE"
THAT I WASN'T LIKELY TO FIND....

Being an alcoholic showed me a lot about myself....

But as I was saying....
When we are IN it, it's hard to see certain things.

AND OTHER CERTAIN THINGS....
IF WE REFUSE TO SEE THEM....
WE WON'T SEE THEM.

I REFUSED TO LOOK AT HOW I WAS.
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

THAT COST ME, DEARLY.

Maybe that guy I dated in my 20s....
Maybe he was the only guy who ever....
Actually loved me.

Like nobody ever DID OR COULD, OR WOULD....
MAYBE HE WAS!

DID I SEE THAT?
WHAT WE HAD?
WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER?

IF I DID, DAMN SURE WOULD HAVE APPRECIATED IT MORE!
MUCH MORE!
THE WAY HE DESERVED TO BE, 
FROM ME.

INSTEAD OF STRUGGLING WITH MY OWN SHIT, 
AND RUINING EVERYTHING.

BETWEEN HIM AND I....

BUT FROM EACH RELATIONSHIP I HAVE HAD....
I HAVE LEARNED SOME THINGS.
ABOUT MYSELF.
TO GET..... HERE.

LEARNING THE HARD WAY....
IS STILL LEARNING.