Then Don't Come Over

I don't typically invite anyone over to my place. 
I invited someone over to my place. A neighbor. 

He got my invitation and turned it down. 
"I'm not a social person. I don't do visiting."
"I'm not a social person either, but I made an exception for you."

It's not like I wanted to hold him captive in here ffs. 
I even wrote on the note why I was inviting him
so that he wouldn't think I was trying to get in his pants. 

To show him my projects. Just that, and eat with me. 
And I'd offer him some tea and went and got ginger ale... 
And cleaned my place... 

It was his choice to say yes or turn it down. 
Then don't come over. 

It's not often that I invite anyone over, period. 

"I'm not feeling it. Sorry." Then don't come over. 
I don't have to invite you ever again, either. 

This is why I don't invite people over!

Would it have killed him to humor me?
And just let me make him a stupid egg sandwich?
Pretty much all I have to fkn offer him ffs. 

It's because he thinks that I want what I don't actually want. 
The bugs tf out of me to assume that about me. 

"Sorry, not feeling it." I'll remember that. 

When I try to do something nice, I get that sh*t. 
Sorry... Whatever. Don't know why I fkn bothered. 

That sh*t is why I stay to myself ffs. I should have. 

"I'd rather do whatever tf than have a sandwich with you."
Pretty much. Thanks. 

This is why I can't even fkn talk about my ideas with anyone.

I need to turn the radio on. It's too quiet in here. 

Why do people go out of their way to.... Forget it. 
It just would have been nice to have some company. 
That's all. 

I never fkn ask for much. And that's what I get. 
So I'm not going to bother anymore. I'm just not. 
I try, and that's what happens, so I don't want to anymore. Okay?
I'm fkn tired and "not a social person, either." But who fkn cares?

Why did I expect him to be all like "okay! I'll come see what you built!"
"And eat with you and talk with you..."?

It's not like I haven't been rejected like a billion times before this. 
It was just a fkn invitation to come eat with me, and he doesn't fkn have to. 
Then don't come over. 
That's all. Just don't then. 
I shouldn't even fkn care, honestly. 

My phone rang once, and I didn't look at it. 
He has my number; he knows where I live. 
We don't have to talk, see each other, or chill. 
We owe each other fk all.
Just both living in this place, for now. 

But I don't have to "feel it" if he decides to. 
I invited him over, but he turned it down. 
I don't do it often FOR A FKN REASON. 

THAT'S THE REASON. RIGHT THERE. 
THINKING THAT I HAVE A MOTIVE OR SOME SH*T.

WELL, DIDN'T GET TO KNOW ME SO HOW WOULD YOU KNOW
IF I HAVE A MOTIVE OR NOT?
I LITERALLY TOLD YOU THE REASON THAT I INVITED YOU.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH CLEAR I NEED TO BE... 

I LITERALLY PUT IT INTO WORDS, ON PAPER. 
NO WAY YOU CAN MISCONTRUDE THAT. 

So no, I don't want to invite you again. 

Because you'll do the exact same thing. 
And if you're not feeling it, you don't have to, 
But don't expect another invitation. 

BUT BETTER THAT HE SAID HE WASN'T FEELING IT, HONESTLY
THAN TO JUST CHILL WITH ME BECAUSE HE FKN FELT BAD
FOR SAYING NO OR SOME SH*T. 

I DON'T NEED ANY FAKE SH*T IN MY LIFE. 
I'D RATHER HIM NOT FKN COME OVER
THAN TO COME OVER TO SPARE MY FEELINGS
OR SOME OTHER FAKE SH*T. 

Everyone can stay away from me for a while. 
I kind of want to be left alone for a while. 

F*ck everyone, I have my music. Fk them. 

Doesn't fkn matter. Just doesn't make me want to put invitations out there. 

Funny how we can talk, downstairs, and that was fine... 
But coming over is somehow different? Just to eat and talk?

It's like inviting someone to your birthday party, and they say no. 

Mirror Smasher, before he stayed with me for a bit... 
He'd invited me to his birthday party, and I said no. 
I felt bad about it afterward, but at the time... I thought something was up. 

Because he went from being a douche to me... 
To inviting me to his birthday party... 

That's why I said no. 
I didn't fkn trust him. Don't now. Fk that guy. 

Why does it even bother me? 
Am I wondering if it's always going to fkn be like this.... ?

It's not like I NEED anyone to come over. 
I can fkn eat by myself, listen to music by myself, etc. 

Maybe because it would have been nice. Maybe that. 
To have a visit from someone I had invited over. 

Just made me clam up. 
It's not like me to invite people over anyway. 

Now I just don't want to anymore. I just don't. 
Because it would have been nice...

To just invite someone over to eat and chill with you, 
to show my projects to.... To talk about stuff, ideas... 

Just that. Nothing more than just that. 

I often feel like I'm not allowed to want anything. 
Even simple fkn easy things. 

But are we all supposed to "feel" everything all the time? No.
I can go for a walk later or something. 

After a few more songs... I can just go for a walk. 
Fk sitting around here. I can get up and go outside. 

Finish drinking my ginger ale and just fk off outside for a while....
Actually, after this one... My ginger ale's gone now... 
So is my patience for this place... 
And patience with myself. At least I tried. 

Just makes me not want to fkn bother anymore. It really fkn does.