I Got A Text Today

My neighbor texted me that another neighbor tried to take her life.
People fkn get depressed living here, like this. They do. It sucks. 

Why he's telling me, I don't know. 
Pretty sure she wouldn't want everyone to know. 
Not like I'm going around telling anyone... 
None of their business. 

I told the hospital not to call my parents
when I had a breakdown, but they did anyway. 
None of their business. 

Does it still cross my mind sometimes? Yeah. It does. 
Not because dude didn't want to come over and chill with me.
Because it's been like this for a long fkn time and I'm tired.
TIRED OF TRYING FOR NOTHING. 
I'D RATHER JUST NOT FKN TRY ANYMORE. 

WHY SHOULD IT BE THAT HARD JUST TO MAKE FKN FRIENDS?
IT SHOULDN'T BE. BUT APPARENTLY IT IS. 

Anyway, that guy who showed me his thing emailed me again. 
He doesn't seem to understand why I don't visit him anymore. 
Before he did that, I'd sent him an email about RESPECT, 
and he said he understood... And then did that... 

And wanted me to deal with the refund he wanted... 
After he told me to renew it for him... 

No, dude. I don't want to visit you. 
NOT AFTER THAT SH*T. 

IF I DID GO AFTER THAT, 
IT'D BE LIKE TELLING THE GUY THAT SH*T'S OKAY. 
IT'S FKN NOT OKAY. 

I DON'T NEED ANY MORE BS. 
ESPECIALLY FROM HIM. 

But if he fkn understood, he'd fkn leave me alone. 
And not contact me about fkn anything ever again. 
I don't fkn owe him anything. 
DEFINITELY DON'T OWE HIM MY TIME. 
HE ALREADY WASTED MY TIME. 

HE DOESN'T GET MORE OF MY TIME TO WASTE. 

Anyway, tonight was a low-profile type of night. 
One of my neighbors came to visit me. 

He mostly comes to smoke with me. 
I made him weed tea and a cheese sammich. 
I made myself a cup and a cheese sammich too. 
My stomach feels better with something in it. 
After drinking the tea. 

We listened to music. It started when he told me
that he started listening to a German band, and I knew the one. 

A neighbor I used to smoke with showed me that song and band. 

I showed my neighbor a bunch of bands he hadn't heard before. 
Some of it he liked, some of it he didn't like. 
Can't all be winners, I guess. 

I have a "different" taste in music. The older stuff he knows and likes... 
I know it and like it, too, but I like some other stuff, too. 

I mostly like steady beats and melodic music. Nothing crazy. 

On nights I have a body buzz, and I'm just feeling mellow... 
After drinking weed tea... 

I did go for a walk earlier today. I found a bench to sketch from. 
My hands got cold, and I didn't stay long. 
Couldn't find my smaller sketchbook. 
The one I took with me to the stadium... 
It's around here somewhere. I stashed it somewhere around here. 
I took the bigger one and sketched in it. 
I didn't do any detail work on it, just straight-up sketched it. 
As rough as possible. Just to get back into the rough sketch mode. 
My hands got cold, and I left. 

I told my neighbor I went out, and he was like, "I would have gone with you..."
No. I like going out by myself sometimes. 
We spend so much time together that some people think we are dating. 
He has brought up dating more than once. 

Wish he had just not brought it up. 

Like I wish that other guy didn't show me his d*ck ffs. 

Like I wish a lot of things... But what did hoping ever do for me?

I kinda hoped I'd be married by now, etc... 
A lot of things, but oh fkn well. 

I wish the weather would hurry up and warm up. 
Sitting outside, sketching. 

I sketched one of the buildings at the stadium.
I sketched the buildings from my window. 

I can get lost in that for a while. 
Drawing, music, other stuff... 
I needed that today. 
Something to slip into and stay in for a bit. 

Grabbed a coffee on the way back and a donut. 
and got that text when I got back. 

Then my neighbor came up to smoke and chill. 
So I offer tea and something, if I have something. 

I got the cheese because I sent that invite...
The visit that didn't happen. 

I just don't want to invite the guy again. 
That'll likely be the last time I knock at his door. 

I'm very tired and wish I could sleep for the rest of the winter. 

I told the guy, tonight, before he came up, that I wanted to go to bed early. 
He stayed here past 11pm. Usually, he's back to his place by 9pm. 

I need to unwind by myself for a bit after being around people. 
To get back to feeling... Not sure how to say it... 

To feeling my own energy. When I'm around other people... 
I feel their energy mostly. It bugs me sometimes. 
Especially if their energy feels weird. 

Some people's energy feels pretty weird. All I can say about it. 
It feels weird. Can't explain that. 

Some, I've gotten used to it. Not that I'm a fan of it, but I got used to it. 
Some people, though, their energy just is too off for me.

I like being in my own energy before I sleep and when I wake up. 

I'm going to try to sleep soon.