Plenty Of Other Things

It bugs me that most people only think of me
when they need me for something. 

They all of a sudden WISH THEY'D BEEN LOYAL.
WHEN THEY SEE THAT THE ONES AROUND THEM
WERE NOT. 

And never planned to be loyal... Ever.

They were only loyal to their lies and bs. 

TO THEIR NEED OF ME.

And I do not to be there, waiting, 
until they are done with the mess they are making.

Someone said something that stuck with me. 

"Just because they didn't know how to handle you, 
doesn't mean they had to mishandle you."

Mishandled indeed.

The people you "need" in life, 
MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO THEM. 
WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO TELL YOU. 

THE TRUTH WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME. 
WHETHER HE WAS EVER GOING TO SEE IT
OR NOT.

BEING A "BAD BOY" 
OFTEN ONLY MAKES YOU A SH*T. 

AND BEING A SH*T TURNS PEOPLE OFF.
WHO DON'T APPRECIATE IT
OR DESERVE IT. 

I'm at the point in my life that I'm thinking to myself:
"If xyz is what I'm getting... WHAT IS THE POINT?"

AND IT WASN'T WHAT I COULD GET
IN A MATERIAL SENSE. 

WHAT I WANTED WAS THE EFFORT.
MY EFFORT BACK, FOR ME, TOO. 

IF SOMETHING IS ONE-SIDED, 
THERE IS NO POINT. 

AND THAT IS WHAT I HAD TO LEARN
FROM ALL THE ONE-SIDED THINGS IN MY LIFE. 

WHERE THINGS WERE ALL ABOUT THEM. 

And I never asked or wanted everything to be all about me. 
I JUST WANTED SOME FKN CONSIDERATION, TOO. 

AND IF THEY SAW THE TRUTH, 
THAT CONSIDERATIONS WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
SO HARD... RIGHT?

BUT TREATING ME LIKE I'M THE REASON
THAT HAVING CONSIDERATION FOR ME
WAS TOO DAMN HARD... 

MADE ME NOT WANT TO FKN TRY ANYMORE. 

WAITING TOO LONG FOR SOMEONE TO WAKE TF UP, 
IS WAITING TOO DAMN LONG. 

AND THEM MAKING YOU WAIT
FOR SOMETHING YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR... 
FOR DECENCY, CONSIDERATION, RESPECT ETC.... 

LET ALONE FKN BEG FOR FFS... 

IF THEY EXPECT YOU TO BEG FOR THE BARE MIN... 
THEY CAN GO FK THEMSELVES!

I WON'T EVER. FK THAT.

I have more respect for myself to ever fk do that sh*t. 

BUT THEY ONLY SEEM TO THINK OF ME
WHEN THEY "NEED" ME AND WHAT I WAS "OFFERING"
BEFORE THEY CHOSE WHAT THEY CHOSE. 

AND IF THEY TOOK THE BAIT, 
WTF DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME?

DIDN'T I WARN THEM? A BILLION FKN TIMES?
AND HAD THEY HEARD ME JUST FKN ONCE... 
THEY'D HAVE AVOIDED ALL OF THAT?

BUT WHY KEEP TRYING TO WARN SOMEONE
WHO DOESN'T WANT TO LISTEN?

But it was about what THEY could get... 
That's pretty much what it was about. 

And if someone wants to learn the hard way... 
WHO AM I TO NOT LET THEM?

IF THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN LEARN, 
IF THEY CAN AT ALL... 

I want to believe that they CAN learn.
THAT'S PROBABLY WHY I WAITED AS LONG AS I DID. 

WHO AM I TO THINK I CAN TEACH THEM
IF THEY ARE HELL BENT ON LEARNING THE HARD WAY?

Who am I to think all they have to do is LISTEN to ME?

Just saying that when someone sees something that you don't,
MAYBE THEY WANT YOU TO SEE IT, 
FOR A REASON. 

AND IF THE REASON IS FOR YOUR OWN SAKE...

BUT WHO AM I TO THINK
THAT ALL I HAD TO DO WAS "SHOW" SOMEONE
SOMETHING THEY NEEDED TO "SEE."

AND HAD THEY "SEEN" IT, AT THE TIME... 

THEY'D "COMPLETELY UNDERSTOOD."
WHAT THEY WERE MEANT TO DO. 

HOW TO "HANDLE" ME. WITH CARE. 
WITH CONSIDERATION AND RESPECT. 

LIKE I AM SOMEONE WHO MATTERS TO THEM... 

Anyway, what bugs me is WHY THEY THINK ABOUT ME
AFTER EVERYTHING HAS BEEN SAID/DONE.

WHEN THEY "NEED" ME
AND CAN'T TRUST THE PEOPLE THEY CHOSE.

WHEN WHO THEY CHOSE
WASN'T HONEST AND BETRAYED THEM. 

WHEN WHO THEY CHOSE 
JUST WANTED THEM FOR XYZ, 

WHEN WHO THEY CHOSE
CHOSE TO XYZ... 

ALL KINDS OF THINGS I WOULDN'T HAVE.

WHEN THEY SEE 
THEY AREN'T ME. 
IN ANY WAY. 

But they only want to "reach out"
WHEN THEY HAVE NOTHING LEFT. 
WHEN WHOEVER THEY CHOSE
TOOK EVERYTHING FROM THEM ETC... 

AND THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN EVERYTHING
HAD THEY NOT FELL FOR THAT SH*T
IN THE FIRST PLACE!

WHEN THEY REALIZE I WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN
FKN ANYTHING. 
BECAUSE THAT'S NEVER WHAT I FKN WANTED!

BECAUSE I CAN BE TRUSTED NOT TO XYZ!

That female who keeps sending me links... Sent me another one... 
I haven't responded to it. 

IF SHE CAN'T TALK TO ME... 
CAN'T SAY "HI, HOW ARE YOU?" 
OR FKN ANYTHING... 
"SORRY FOR TREATING YOU THE WAY I DID..."
WHY SHOULD I?
WHY SHOULD I GIVE HER ANYTHING?
EVEN A RESPONSE?

I already feel like I gave her A LOT
THAT SHE NEVER APPRECIATED. 
BECAUSE IF SHE TRULY DID, 
WOULD SHE HAVE TREATED ME LIKE THAT?
WOULD SHE STILL BE TRYING TO TREAT ME
LIKE THIS?

THAT A LINK IS A WAY TO "COMMUNICATE"?
TO GET MY "ATTENTION"?

WHEN SHE WANTS IT?

WHEN SHE DID NOT GAF WHAT I WANTED?

TO BE HEARD THE FIRST FKN TIME?
WHEN I TOLD HER I DON'T WANT TO BE
FKN "CONTROLLED" OR "USED"?
WHO WOULD WANT THAT?

WOULD SHE WANT THAT?
TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?

To be "good enough" for when she wants something?
From me?

This is part of why I don't have many female friends. 

Because I seem to only be "good enough"
WHEN SOMEONE WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME!

OTHERWISE THEY HAVE NO "USE FOR ME."

BUT THEN THEY WANT ME TO HAVE "COMPASSION"
FOR THEM... 
WHEN WHERE TF WAS MINE?

TO BE TREATED LIKE I MATTERED MORE, 
AS A PERSON, THAN ANYTHING I EVER HAD 
TO "GIVE" ANYONE... 

But... If I have money or something they want... 
THEY MAGICALLY HAVE "TIME" FOR ME?

THEY MAGICALLY "CARE" ALL OF A SUDDEN?
HOW I'M DOING?

THEY DON'T!
THEY JUST WANT SOMETHING!

AND THE PEOPLE WHO NEVER WANTED ANYTHING?

WHO ONLY WANTED TO BE TREATED
LIKE THEY WERE CARED ABOUT, TOO?

But when I see over and over and over and over again
THAT OTHERS HAD AN AGENDA... 

WHEN I DID NOT... 

WHEN I WAS BEING LOYAL, 
AND THEY WERE NOT... 

WHEN I WAS TRYING... 
AND THEY WERE NOT....

But when something's one-sided
AND IT'S PAINFULLY CLEAR... 

IT MAKES ME WANT TO NOT TRY... 
WITH/FOR ANYONE. 

IT MAKES ME WANT TO RETREAT. 
AND NOT DEAL WITH THEM ANYMORE. 
OR DEAL WITH ANYONE. 

EVEN TO SEE IF THEY WILL XYZ, TOO... 
OR ACTUALLY TREAT ME LIKE I MATTER!
LIKE THEY ACTUALLY CARE, TOO!

NOT JUST WHEN/BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING!

NOT SAY: "I DO WANT YOU IN MY LIFE"
YET NEVER FKN TREATED ME AS THOUGH THEY DID!
CHOSE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING ELSE!
ALL THE FKN TIME!

But when you're waiting for someone
to GROW UP/SHOW UP/WAKE UP
AND THEY KNOW THAT YOU ARE... 
AND STILL KEEP YOU WAITING... 

THEY DO THAT SH*T ON PURPOSE. 
AS THOUGH YOU'RE NEVER GOING ANYWHERE... 

But how many times? How many?

THAT IS WHY IT IS MORE AND MORE AND MORE
COMFORTABLE AND APPEALING
JUST TO BE ON MY OWN!

INSTEAD OF BEING TREATED LIKE THAT!
INTENTIONALLY!

When you choose to intentionally treat someone
LIKE THEY ARE REPLACABLE
WHEN IT COMES TO SOMEONE
WHO WAS JEALOUS...
AND ACTED OUT OF JEALOUSY SH*T... 

YOU MIGHT JUST SEE THAT THEY AREN'T!

Because they do NOT HAVE TO BE THERE!
FOR YOU!
FOR ANY REASONS THAT YOU "NEED" THEM!
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU TREATED THEM
LIKE THEY WEREN'T WANTED!!!!
Or cared about! AT ALL!

BECAUSE IF I WAS... WHY TREAT ME LIKE THAT?

Why not treat me LIKE I MATTER?
IF I DO? Y'KNOW?!

NOT JUST MATTER IN GENERAL, 
BUT MATTER TO THEM, 
IN WAYS THAT MATTER.
FOR REASONS THAT MATTER... 
Y'KNOW?

So this is why I am OKAY, 
MORE THAN OKAY
WITH HAVING VERY FEW PEOPLE IN MY LIFE, NOW. 

FEWER PEOPLE TREATING ME LIKE I DON'T MATTER
TO THEM, THE BETTER!

I'd rather treat myself like I matter! To myself!
BY NOT LETTING PEOPLE IN... 
WHO WOULD FKN DO THAT SH*T TO ME!

PEOPLE WHO CHOSE PEOPLE
WHO DO THAT SH*T TO THEM!

WHO THEY COULD HAVE STOOD UP TO!

INSTEAD OF FORCING ME TO STAND UP TO THEM!

AND WHEN I DID, 
THEY WANTED TO TRY TO TREAT ME
LIKE I HAD NO FKN RIGHT TO!

EXCUSE ME? YES I DID.
FOR MYSELF. 

IF NOBODY'S GOING TO STAND UP FOR ME, 
I'LL STAND UP FOR MYSELF. 

BECAUSE I KNOW WHO I AM AND WHO I'M NOT. 
AND IF THEY WANTED TO CHOOSE XYZ... 
AND WANTED TO PLAY GAMES... 
AND CHOSE SH*T THAT WAS LITERALLY TOXIC
WHILE TAKING ME FOR GRANTED... 

AND TREATING PEOPLE LIKE THAT...
IT COMES BACK TO YOU... 
IN WAYS YOU AREN'T GOING TO LIKE... 
10 times HARDER AND WORSE
THAN YOU DISHED IT OUT. 

AND IF YOU DISHED IT OUT
FOR THE WRONG REASONS... 
THAT DOESN'T GO UNNOTICED. 

Karma's very real. 

IF YOU TREAT SOMEONE BADLY, 
ESPECIALLY FOR THE WRONG REASONS... 

THAT SH*T WILL COME BACK.

That's not why I don't xyz. 
I don't xyz because I don't need to do that sh*t. 
It's unnecessary. 

Not only is it unnecessary, 
BUT WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

JUST TO DO IT? JUST "BECAUSE"?
FOR WHAT?
Pour QUOIS?
ANYTHING?
SOMETHING?
WHAT?

That's what I want to know!
WHAT WAS I "SUPPOSED TO BE"
"GETTING" DOING ANY OF THAT SH*T?
ANYTHING?

SINCE I ALREADY KNOW
THAT THERE'S NOTHING IN THAT SH*T, 
WHY WOULD I?
JUST "BECAUSE"?

FOR SH*TS AND GIGGLES?
FOR THE "FUN" OF IT?

There's NOTHING in "it" for me. 
There's nothing to "get" out of "it" for me. 

That's why I don't xyz. 

If there was something to get out of it, would I?

If there was anything to get out of it
THAT WAS EVER WORTH A FK... 
BUT THERE ISN'T!

Just "because" isn't a reason to me. 

Plenty of other things to do for sh*ts and giggles, y'know?