Happy New Year 2026

Welp, Happy New Year!
We made a trip around the sun. 

There were fireworks even in the snow. 
It was snowing and blowing and stayed home. 

Made grilled cheese sandwiches and peanut butter cookies. 

Was so snowy that we could barely see the fireworks
from the stadium. 

It was a "sad" show compared to the ones I saw online
from other countries... 

But had it been snowing there, they wouldn't have really been
able to pull those off... 

They had a weather advantage. 

But, yeah, we didn't have anything fancy like that. 

But snowy and blowy... 
I'd rather not have snow blowing in my face
while outside... 

So I stayed here, chilling with my neighbor like most nights. 

We didn't chill on the first day. 

I have a tradition every first day of the year... 
I get a $20 tim's card and give it to someone. 

This year there was a father with two small kids. 
I gave it to them and told them to share it lol. 
The oldest kid said he'd share it with his brother. 

One year, someone gave me one. 
I'm not the only one who does it, I guess. 

Just a "nice" way to start the year.
By doing something nice. 
Just because. 

Anyway, anxiety's been up pretty high. 

Started working on my website, again. 
Specifically, my other blog. 

One of my affiliate marketing blogs.
Trying to get my stuff set up is friggin hard
When I've also committed to helping others. 

And it's like my neighbor wants to be together all the time. 
I don't. 
I like having my own time. 
To do my things. 
TO EVEN JUST THINK. 
HE TALKS SO MUCH IT'S HARD TO THINK. 
IT DRIVES ME NUTS SOMETIMES. 

ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M TRYING TO THINK
AND HE KNOWS THAT I'M TRYING TO THINK
ABOUT SOMETHING
AND HE'S TRYING TO "HELP" ME THINK
BUT HE'S REALLY JUST DERAILING ME. 

AND HE DOES IT INTENTIONALLY
INSTEAD OF GIVING ME TIME TO THINK
INSTEAD OF JUST LEAVING ME BE, TO THINK. 

IT DRIVES ME NUTS. 
IT'D BE FRUSTRATING FOR ANYONE. 

AND OFTEN HE THINKS HE IS BEING FUNNY, 
BUT IT'S ACTUALLY ANNOYING. 

THAT DRIVES ME NUTS. 
IT PUSHES ME TO BE ALL LIKE "JUST STOP, DUDE!"
IN MY HEAD. 

I DON'T WANT TO MAKE HIM "FEEL BAD"
BUT HE "COULD HELP IT"
BY JUST NOT... 

IT'S NOT LIKE HE CAN'T HELP IT. HE CAN. 

For the most part.. Sure, it's sometimes nice to chill, 
BUT I DO NOT WANT TO CHILL EVERY FKN DAY.
WE ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP
THEREFORE WE DON'T HAVE TO CHILL EVERY DAY. 

WE CHILL SO MUCH AS IT IS, 
ALL SUMMER THAT PEOPLE WERE ASKING ME
IF WE WERE SEEING EACH OTHER FFS. 

IT BUGS ME THAT THEY THOUGHT THAT AUTOMATICALLY. 

I TOLD ONE: "HE'S OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY FATHER!
GIVE ME A BREAK!"

HE FKN IS! HOW WOULD THAT BE ATTRACTIVE TO ME?

AND GUYS MY AGE? HA!
MIRROR SMASHER'S LIKE A COUPLE YEARS OLDER
THAN I AM
IS AGE SUPPOSED TO MAKE SOMEONE "MATURE"?

I USED TO THINK, THAT OLDER GUYS
HAD THEIR SH*T TOGETHER
BECAUSE THEY WERE OLDER. 

SAYS FK ALL ABOUT HOW ANYONE THINKS, THOUGH. 

Doesn't mean someone will choose to think or can think if they chose to. 

AND WHAT ARE THE THINGS THEY THINK ABOUT?
AND HOW DO THEY THINK?

Those are important!

People who don't think and don't choose to think aren't very wise. 
They fall into traps, set themselves up, 
slam doors in their own face etc... 

Let's just put it this way... 
THERE IS A LOT MOST DO NOT CONSIDER. 
AND IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE BEEN AMONG THINGS
ANYONE'S REALLY CHOSEN TO CONSIDER. 

BECAUSE MAYBE THEY WOULD CONSIDER ME. 
HOW I MIGHT FEEL ABOUT SOMETHING. 
AMONG OTHER THINGS. 

PRINCIPALLY HOW I'D FEEL ABOUT XYZ.
THE PRINCIPLE OF XYZ. 
NOT JUST ABOUT ME. 
ABOUT XYZ, TOO. 

ABOUT THE THINGS THEY CHOSE TO DO
REGARDING ME. 

THAT THEY COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO DO.
NEVER TO DO. 
COULD HAVE NEVER WANTED TO DO XYZ.

BUT THE FACT THEY WANTED TO?
OR ELSE WHY DO IT?

You know why I don't go around doing xyz?
BECAUSE I NEVER WANTED TO!
SO I FKN DIDN'T!

AND BECAUSE IT IS MY CHOICE
TO DO XYZ OR NOT TO.

AND IF XYZ IS SH*TTY... WHY DO IT?
JUST TO DO IT?

TO BE A CERTAIN WAY... 
SHOULD BE EMBARRASSING. 
TO WANT TO BE LIKE THAT. 

But instead of holding something SACRED WITH ME, 
THEY WENT AND TURNED IT
INTO WHATEVER
BECAUSE OF THEIR FKN BRUISED EGO BS. 

Because of the truth of the people they chose OVER ME. 
WHO WANTED HIM TO. 
WHO KEPT PUTTING HIM UP TO THAT SH*T... 
BUT IT WAS HIS CHOICE. 
AND IF HE SAW IT
WHEN I WAS TELLING HIM, 
MAYBE HE COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT SH*T. 

If he had wanted to!

Funny how someone can tell you whatever to 
gain your trust
BUT THEY WON'T DO ANYTHING TO KEEP IT. 
THEY'LL ACTIVELY DESTROY IT. 
EVERY SHRED OF TRUST
YOU EVER HAD FOR THAT PERSON... 

And why should I go back to that sh*t?
HE HAD THE CHANCE TO NOT XYZ. 
MANY CHANCES TO NOT XYZ. 

But what I will say is that when you "challenge" someone
TO STEP TF UP
AND TO EVEN STOP XYZ... 

THEY RUN TO SOMETHING WEAKER. 

AND IF THERE ARE LESSONS THEY NEED TO LEARN
ABOUT THAT... THEY HAVE TO. 

Like how they can't find me in someone else
THEY TRIED TO REPLACE ME WITH. 

THE REAL FEELINGS I HAD... 
NOT EVERYONE FEELS THE WAY I DO. 
NOT EVERYONE THINKS THE WAY I DO. 

I'M NOT CALLING MYSELF THE BEST OF THE BEST. 
IF YOU KNEW ME, YOU WOULD KNOW
THAT I REALLY DON'T THINK OF MYSELF LIKE THAT. 

ALL I KNOW IS THAT THERE ARE REASONS
I CHOOSE NOT TO XYZ. 

AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. 

If that's not good enough for someone else, 
they can find whatever they feel is good enough for them. 

SHOULD IT MATTER TO ME HOW THEY THINK
IF THEY THINK IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM?

IF THEY LET SOMEONE XYZ TO THEM... 
WHEN I WOULDN'T HAVE, EVER... 

BECAUSE THERE WERE SOME THINGS
THAT IT WAS ABOUT, FOR ME. 
AND MANY THINGS IT WASN'T ABOUT, FOR ME. 

If someone cannot come clean with themselves... 
HOW CAN I EVER EXPECT THEM TO COME CLEAN WITH ME?
TO EVEN WANT TO HAVE THAT CONVERSATION?

WHEN IT REALLY WAS AS SIMPLE
AS HAVING A LEGIT CONVERSATION. 

AND IF THEY KEEP REFUSING TO... 
THEN, THERE'S NO POINT IN GOING FORWARD... 

I'm going to be 42. Days away from turning 42. 
I DO NOT WANT TO WASTE ANY MORE TIME
WAITING FOR ANYONE TO FIGURE OUT
WTF THEY WANT. 
OUT OF LIFE, FROM THEMSELVES, WITH ME. 

I can lock people out for playing GAMES. 
WANTING THIS IN AND OUT BS. 

NO MF. EITHER IN OR OUT. 

They don't like the "pressure"
OF ME WANTING THEM TO JUST BE FKN DECENT TO ME FFS.
SO INSTEAD OF BEING DECENT TO ME... 
AND HAVING A FAIR, REAL, MATURE CONVERSATION
ABOUT THE THINGS THEY ARE DOING
AND HAVE BEEN DOING
THAT THEY OUGHT NOT TO BE FKN DOING... 

AND I SHOULDN'T BE HAVING THAT CONVO. 
AND WANTING TO HAVE THAT CONVO. 

And knowing that convo is all it fkn took... 
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I WANTED... 
ALL I WAS ASKING FOR
AND SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BEG FOR... 
FOR FKN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THAT, EVEN... 

But to deny me of that... And refuse?
AND EXPECT ME TO WANT TO TALK
WHEN THEY WANT TO?
AFTER SHUTTING ME DOWN
FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME?

HOW IS THAT FKN FAIR?

I'M EXPECTED TO WAIT UNTIL THEY WANT TO?
WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?

By the time they want to talk.... 
WTF IS THERE TO FKN SAY?
ANYTHING?

EVERYTHING THAT COULD HAVE JUST BEEN
FKN SAID?
LONG AGO?
BUT REFUSED TO?

AM I SUPPOSED TO WANT TO HEAR IT?
YEARS LATER?
LIKE I MATTER SUDDENLY?
SUDDENLY WORTH HAVING THE CONVO
THEY WANTED ME TO BEG TO HAVE FFS?

Like wtf is that sh*t?

So instead of wanting to have any convos, 
THEY JUST REFUSE TO BE MATURE ENOUGH
TO JUST HAVE... 

WITH THEM... I JUST FKN DON'T ANYMORE. 

WHAT'S THERE TO WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
SOMETHING WE COULD HAVE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT?
HAD YOU WANTED TO? LIKE I DID?
LIKE WE COULD HAVE?
WITHOUT ANYONE TRYING TO JUMP INTO IT?
FOR WHATEVER FKN REASONS?

BECAUSE... NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS?
IF WE HAD ANYTHING GOING ON?
And not their choice. 

Y'know?

I guess what my point really is that you never know
about anyone's mentality. 

THEY COULD SEEM XYZ ON THE OUTSIDE.
AND BE XYZ ON THE INSIDE.

And that's not always the first thoughts we think
when we wanted to include someone in our lives, right?

The thought is that you want to let yourself trust them. 
Actually trust them... 

Your thoughts are about letting your guard down, 
and letting them into your world, your life...
Stuff like that. 

You don't typically jump to "what if" stuff... 
Because you don't really want to think in those terms.

The benefit of the doubt is a hard one. 
For me more and more... 

I hear people in the stairwells... It's early like 3:30am ish... 
It's been going on for a while. 

My neighbor's apartment is next to the stairs, 
on the floor that he's on. 
He always gets woken up by these people... 

Somehow, homeless people camp out in the stairwells in the winter. 
Not so much in the summer. 

And I wouldn't be surprised if it's some of them
that sh00t up by the loading docks... 

I looked down into the grate there, it's full of needles. 
Always rigs and pipes laying out in the open. 
It's... Something. 

It's not exactly like East Hastings... 
Or in other big cities, but it's been getting worse.

And where I live is... In it. 
I see it everywhere. 

My neighbor was like "we shouldn't have to see this..."
Referring to how bad it got... 

Like every day, in your face... 
Out there. 

It's not because it's like that... That I haven't been going out... 
It's because I really want to have something set up, this year. 
Something that I've worked on... 

Most of the time it feels like I'm spinning my wheels on
EVERYTHING I TRY TO DO... 
IT'S REALLY FRUSTRATING.

WHEN IT FEELS THAT WAY WITH PEOPLE, 
I JUST WANT TO BE BY MYSELF. 

IT OFTEN FEELS THAT WAY
BECAUSE THEY DON'T LISTEN. 
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO. 
IF THEY WANTED TO, THEY WOULD, RIGHT?

SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL FKN ANYONE
ANYTHING?

SO WHY BOTHER TRYING TO?
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?
JUST TO KEEP TRYING?
FOR WHAT?

TO BE DISMISSED AND DISRESPECTED?
CONTINUOUSLY?
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY?

BECAUSE IT'S SO EASY TO TAKE
EVERYONE ELSE SERIOUSLY, 
BUT NOT ME
BECAUSE OF ASSUMPTIONS ETC. 

That's how frustrating it's been. 
TO THE POINT THAT AS LONG AS I CAN
MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF MYSELF
ON MY OWN TERMS, 
FOR MYSELF.... 
EVERYONE ELSE CAN GO DO THEM. 

It just seems that at every fkn turn there's something. 

AND THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO DO NOT WANT TO
SEE ME HAPPY AT ALL. 

THEY DIDN'T WANT TO SEE ME HAPPY WITH MIRROR SMASHER.
THEY DIDN'T WANT TO SEE HIM HAPPY WITH ME. 
OR SEE US TOGETHER, 
SO THEY WENT AND DID WHAT THEY DID... 

WANTED ME TO LOOK AT HIM LIKE XYZ.
WANTED HIM TO LOOK AT ME LIKE XYZ.

NOT THAT HE DID A GREAT JOB
AT CHOOSING NOT TO XYZ.

BUT THAT DID NOT HELP.

Anyway, what I was saying about mentality. 

We can't really expect anyone to have the same mentality. 
You can hope that they improve their mentality, 
but you cannot force anyone to do it. 

TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING, 
TO LOOK AT ANYTHING, 
TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES, 
TO LOOK AT THEIR CHOICES, 
TO ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING, 
TO WANT WHAT YOU WANT... 

And if they don't want to see it, 
are the chances that they will see it any better?

Some people won't see something
until they have no choice but to see it. 

It could have been in their face all along,
but they won't see it until they see it.
All of it. 

When and if they ever do, you don't have to be there
to say "that's what I needed you to see."
"Had you seen xyz... Maybe xyz..."

BUT IT GOT TO THE POINT
I STOPPED TRYING TO TELL YOU. 
I STOPPED CARING IF YOU EVER SAW IT. 

BECAUSE WHEN I TRIED SHOWING YOU XYZ... 
YOU DID XYZ... 

WHEN I WAS THERE, 
YOU TREATED ME LIKE I'D BE BETTER OFF
BEING ALMOST ANYWHERE ELSE!

But had anyone actually listened
AND WANTED TO LISTEN TO ME, 
THEY MIGHT HAVE HEARD ANYTHING I HAD TO SAY.

AND MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

AND MIGHT HAVE TAKEN IT
FOR WHAT IT ACTUALLY WAS... 

What it could have been... 

But... I think about these things still... 

And yeah, probably tired of reading about the same things... 

Just writing about what's been on my mind, I guess. 
I don't know why this sh*t's still on my mind. 

The other stuff on my mind is about my goals. 
I can't really get into that stuff. 

Even thinking about my goals has been giving me anxiety. 

So I put some of it off for a while, and it's not getting me anywhere. 

It gets kind of overwhelming, and the anxiety sets in.... 

Then I get that perfection paralysis... 

Anyway... I can keep "pushing"
AND KEEP SPINNING MY WHEELS
AND KEEP GETTING NOWHERE.