What Would Be Ideal... ?

I really don't know why it bothers me so much
besides it being BS.

PEOPLE GET MAD AT ME
WHEN I STOP DOING THE THINGS I WAS DOING. 

WHEN I STOP BEING NICE. 
WHEN I STOP DOING THINGS THEY WANTED. 

WHEN I'M NOT THERE TO XYZ. 
EVEN THOUGH WHEN I WAS DOING XYZ
WAS IT APPRECIATED THAT I WAS DOING XYZ?

THAT I WAS THERE TO DO XYZ?

Because if that was appreciated
MAYBE I WOULD HAVE BEEN
TREATED LIKE IT WAS. 
THAT I WAS, AS A PERSON. 

That's all that I wanted. That's it. 

DID I WANT THEIR MONEY?

I'll tell you what would be ideal, for me:
A legit partnership. 

Someone I can WORK WITH. 
WHO GIVES ME SOMETHING
THAT I CAN WORK WITH. 

NOT JUST A SH*TLOAD OF EXPECTATIONS... 

And I can't fkn expect anything but BS!
What am I to expect? Breadcrumbs?
TO WAIT THE REST OF MY LIFE?
FOR ANY ACKNOWLEDGEMENT?

FOR BASIC REGARD AND RESPECT?
FOR FKN CONSIDERATION?

And what if I don't want to waste my time
WAITING FOR THINGS
THAT COULD HAVE BEEN GIVEN, FREELY. 
WITHOUT ANY OF THAT SH*T. 

SOME THINGS I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO
WASTE TIME WAITING FOR!
SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EVER BE UPSET ABOUT. 

I'm fkn sad and disappointed. 

I NEVER EXPECTED THE MOST FROM FKN ANYONE. 
BUT VERY BASIC THINGS
SHOULD NEVER BE A FIGHT. 

IT SHOULDN'T BE A FIGHT, CONSTANTLY
TO FKN COMMUNICATE PROPERLY, EFFORTLESSLY.

IF SOMEONE'S GOING TO MAKE IT A FIGHT, 
JUST FOR THAT, P*SS OFF!

GO DO THAT SH*T TO/WITH SOMEONE ELSE. 
Go waste their fkn time! 
Why waste mine?
Just to do it?

Just realizing how little I matter to fkn anyone!!!!
IF AT ALL!!!!

JUST WANTING TO BE TREATED AS THOUGH 
I FKN MATTER! JUST THAT!
JUST WANTING JUST THAT!
AND GETTING TREATED THE WAY I GET TREATED!
AS THOUGH I DON'T MATTER!
AND NEVER DID!

IT P*SSES ME OFF SO MUCH!
BY PEOPLE WHO WANTED ME TO TREAT THEM
LIKE THEY FKN MATTER TO ME!!!!!!

WHICH I HAD NO PROBLEM DOING... 
BUT SOME SH*T I REALLY DON'T APPRECIATE. AT ALL. 

BUT TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THEY MATTER TO ME
WHILE TREATING ME LIKE I DON'T MATTER TO THEM?!

ALL THE TIME?! THAT BOTHERS ME!

AND HAD THEY JUST TREATED ME
LIKE I FKN MATTER TO THEM
ENOUGH TO TREAT ME PROPERLY!!!!

TO FKN LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING.
TO REALIZE THE VERY LITTLE I WANTED.

What did I want? FOR THEM TO REALIZE!
A LOT OF THINGS THAT FOR WHATEVER REASONS
THEY WEREN'T READY TO REALIZE?
BUT HOW IS IT MY FAULT THAT THEY AREN'T?
I'M SUPPOSED TO WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT
UNTIL THEY MATURE ENOUGH NOT TO XYZ?

TO REALIZE WHY THEY SHOULDN'T XYZ?

And to TREAT ME LIKE THEY REALIZED XYZ?

They wanted ME to treat them like I realized xyz!
SO WOULDN'T IT BE FAIR TO TREAT ME LIKE THEY HAVE?!

BUT THEY'D HAVE TO ACTUALLY REALIZE IT
TO ACT LIKE THEY REALIZE IT. 

And refusing to listen... Just to do it... 
WHAT ARE THEY LEARNING?

And a lot of sh*t I could have spoken on. 
And didn't!

Tried to save face about it.
Tried to fkn be nice about it.

BUT WHY BE NICE ABOUT BEING DISRESPECTED
AND DISREGARDED CONSTANTLY?

JUST TO BE NICE?!
FK THAT!

PEOPLE WHO'VE LITERALLY HAD YEARS
TO HAVE REGARD FOR ME, 
TO SHOW UP FOR ME, 
THEY HAVEN'T. 

Someone brought up something to me, today. 

Some people who are like me... Who have morality...
THEY GET PUSHED TO THEIR LIMITS
BECAUSE ALL THAT THEY HAVE
AND ALL THAT THEY ARE
SHOWS TO PEOPLE WHAT THEY LACK. 

BEING A DECENT, FAIR PERSON, 
SOMETIMES GRINDS PEOPLE'S GEARS. 
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T DECENT OR FAIR. 

IF YOU ARE XYZ AND THEY AREN'T, 
YOU BECOME THE "THREAT"
AND BECOME A TARGET FOR BS. 
AND THEY EVEN FEEL JUSTIFIED IN DOING IT. 

DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY ARE. 
THEY THINK THEY ARE. 
AND FEEL THAT THEY ARE. 

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE SHOWING THEM
SOMETHING THEY DON'T LIKE. 

They literally would only try to come back
as someone pretending to be on my side. 

BECAUSE IF THEY WERE ON MY SIDE,
THEY'D HAVE BEEN ON MY SIDE THE WHOLE TIME!!!!

NOT WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME!

They'd come in with a hidden agenda. 
OR THEY'D JUST BE IN MY LIFE?
WITHOUT AN AGENDA?
WITHOUT ANY PRETENCES OR PLOYS?
BECAUSE THEY JUST WANTED TO BE?
THAT'S ALL?

But... No... If I'm on something, in a better place
WHY WOULDN'T THEY WANT A PIECE OF THAT?

THEY'D WANT ACCESS TO GET SOMETHING.
WHETHER IT IS MANIPULATION, 
WHETHER THEY WANT TO TRY TO CONTROL ME... 

Just because they want me to be down with them, 
WHERE THEY'RE AT... 
DON'T WANT ME TO SUCCEED... 
ESPECIALLY NOT WITHOUT THEM LOL. 

Never thinking I could be in a better place?

They didn't want me to be able to move forward. 
AFTER ALL THAT WAS DONE?

Why would they?
WHY WOULD THEY WANT ME TO RECOVER?
TO BE EVEN STRONGER?
THAN WHAT THEY EVER THOUGHT I WAS?

BUT I'M NOT HERE TO PROTECT ANYONE'S REPUTATION. 

THEY DID WHAT THEY DID. 
FOR THE REASONS THEY DID IT. 

THEY HAD THE CHANCE NOT TO. CORRECT?
NOT TO XYZ.

But when I'm in a decent place, finally... 

More comfortable with myself... 
Than I have ever been... 

Maybe even to spite everything I've been through...

But the moment I "make" it and they "want" whatever... 
THEY'D WANT BACK INTO MY LIFE. 

THEY WANTED ME TO DEPEND ON THEM. 
FOR WHAT?

FOR BS?

When someone insults you constantly, 
you don't need to be there. 
YOU DON'T NEED TO LET IT MAKE YOU
"WEAK."
THEY DO THAT TO TRY TO "WEAKEN" YOU. 
TO TRY TO "CHEAPEN" YOU. 

Can't try that BS to try to have control over me... 

Why shouldn't I be investing in myself, not them?
WERE THEY INVESTED IN ME?
OR DID THEY WANT TO TRY TO BREAK ME
SO THAT I WOULDN'T GO ON. 

HAPPINESS? BOUNDARIES?
INDEPENDENCE?

WHY SHOULD I HAVE THAT FOR MYSELF?
RIGHT?

PEOPLE TRYING TO TREAT ME
LIKE I SHOULDN'T BE?

HOW FKN UNFAIR IS THAT SH*T?
VERY?

Mirror smasher wanted me to fkn relapse lol!
HE WAS TRYING TO PUSH ME TO DO IT. 

TELLING ME TO GO BACK TO DRINKING
LIKE IT'S NOT MY OWN FKN CHOICE!

LIKE EVERYTHING I WANT FOR MYSELF
ISN'T MY OWN CHOICE!

But no. You can't have the power over me
TO MAKE ME DO ANYTHING THAT LOOKS LIKE
GOING BACKWARDS. 

But now they get to be seen for who they really are!
AS SOMEONE WHO'D DO THAT SH*T. 

SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE THE MATURITY
NOT TO XYZ DOESN'T NEED TO BE IN MY LIFE. 

WANTING ME TO DEPEND ON THEM SO MUCH
THAT THEY'D TRY TO "TRAUMA BOND" WITH ME
BY TRYING TO HURT ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN... 
FK NO!

WHY TF WOULD I WANT THAT SH*T?!

MAYBE THEY "MISUNDERSTOOD" ME. 

I'M NOT A "WEAK" PERSON. 
Being underestimated constantly... 

JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT SHOWING MY FULL STRENGTH
AND MY FULL CAPACITY IN YOUR FACE... 
FOR YOU TO SEE IT... 

DOESN'T MEAN I'M A "WEAK" PERSON.
Doesn't mean I'm "stupid" either.

I don't feel like I should have to PROVE TO ANYONE
HOW STRONG I ACTUALLY AM. 

THAT'S WHY I WON'T TAKE IT THERE.
THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW.
HOW STRONG I ACTUALLY AM.

People do underestimate tf out of me. 
All the time.

THEY HAVE ONE IMAGE OF ME... 
WHEN I NEVER WAS THAT.

THEY WANTED TO SEE ME AS SOMETHING.
TO TRY TO CONTROL ME.

WHEN THEY REALIZE THEY COULDN'T... 
BECAUSE WHY DEAL WITH THAT SH*T?

THEY REALIZE THEY SAW ME ALL WRONG. 
AND THAT ISN'T MY PROBLEM. 
NOT ANYMORE.

I don't want any BS! Why would I want that sh*t?

I lost interest. WHEN I REALIZED
IT WASN'T WHAT I WANTED. 

IT WASN'T GOING TO BE. 
SO WHY WAIT FOR IT TO BE?
SO WHY KEEP HOPING FOR IT TO BE?

BUT WHEN SOMEONE LOOKS AT YOU
AS THOUGH YOU ARE FKN STUPID
LIKE THEY COULD "CONTROL" YOU
IF THEY WANTED TO... 
THEY OFTEN TRY TO TREAT YOU LIKE THAT. 

AND WHEN BEING TREATED LIKE THAT
P*SSES PEOPLE OFF... 
ONLY SO MUCH OF IT THEY'LL "PUT UP WITH"
IF ANY!!!!!!

But when you walk away from that... 
BECAUSE WHY WOULD THAT BE OF ANY INTEREST TO YOU?
THEY START TO LOOK AT YOU DIFFERENT, 
EVEN MAD THAT YOU DID IT. 

FOR STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF!
FOR HAVING A RIGHT TO DO IT!

FOR HAVING REASONS TO FKN DO IT!

OR WOULD I HAVE? WALKED AWAY?

OR WOULD I HAVE BEEN THERE? STILL?

BUT ONLY A SH*T WOULD BE A SH*T
AND REFUSE TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY
WHATSOEVER FOR BEING A SH*T... 

TO SOMEONE WHO HAD REAL, GENUINE, 100% GOOD
INTENTIONS FOR THEM, 
WANTED TO SEE THEM SUCCEED. 
WANTED THEM TO GROW. 
WANTED THEM TO WAKE UP.
WANTED THEM TO LEVEL UP.
FOR THEIR OWN SAKE. 

CAN'T GET THERE FROM THERE.

CAN'T BE MAD AT ME FOR IT, EITHER. 

IF THEY DON'T LEARN, IT'LL BE WORSE!
I CAN'T LEARN THINGS FOR HIM!
FOR ANYONE!

I HAD TO LEARN THINGS FOR MYSELF!
WITH WHO TO TEACH ME?

It's not like I could have a really deep convo about things... 
About how I felt and why I felt like that. 
With anyone.

EVEN WITH COUNSELORS... 
THEY COULD ONLY UNDERSTAND SO MUCH. 

That's hard to explain.
But because they could only understand so much, 
I could only explain so much, 
and they could only help so much. 
They are humans, too. 

But when you spend a huge chunk of your life
DRINKING INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT XYZ...
AND EVEN WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT XYZ EVEN... 

I spent a huge chunk of my life drinking, not dealing. 
Didn't learn how to deal. Without alcohol. 
I deal by writing, I guess. 

But I'm just so fkn disappointed that it went the way it went.

It bugs me that most people would rather believe
THEIR THOUGHTS ABOUT ME
THAN JUST FKN LISTEN.

BECAUSE IF THEY JUST DID LISTEN, 
MAYBE THEY'D SEE HOW FAR I'VE COME. 
OVER THE YEARS. 

HAD SO MUCH TIME TO THINK. 
TOOK TIME TO THINK.

IF YOU'RE NOT TAKING THE TIME TO THINK, ARE YOU?
ARE YOU THINKING?
ABOUT WHAT?
ABOUT BS? OR WHAT?

If you're not choosing to level up, what are you choosing?
Should I be choosing someone
who isn't choosing to level up?
For themselves?

Should someone maybe choose to listen
TO SOMEONE WHO WANTED THAT FOR THEM?

WHEN THEY WERE AROUND PEOPLE
WHO WERE USING THEM ETC SO LONG... 

THEY WANTED HIM TO BE SMALL. 
I WANTED HIM TO GROW. 

VERY FKN DIFFERENT.

SEEING ME THROUGH THE LENS 
OF THEIR WOUNDS...

WHEN THEY COULD HAVE JUST FKN LISTENED.
LISTENED AND LEARNED SOMETHING. 

But can I take it personally? I'm tempted to!
VERY PERSONALLY!

BECAUSE IT NEVER HAD TO GET TO THAT.
OR GO THERE AT ALL.

Again, I can't learn things for people. 
I can't transfer my knowledge to them, automatically. 
I can't know things FOR someone... 
I can only know it for myself. 
And use it for what it is. 

AND TELL THEM WHAT I HAVE LEARNED
IF THEY ARE WILLING TO LISTEN
AND USE IT TO FKN LEVEL UP. 

THAT'S ALL I CAN DO,
AND IF THEY REFUSE IT, 

HE DIDN'T LIKE THAT I COULD SEE THINGS ABOUT HIM. 
OR THAT I COULD SENSE OR FEEL CERTAIN THINGS ABOUT HIM. 

IT FREAKS PEOPLE OUT.
WHEN PEOPLE LOOK AT ME SUPERFICIALLY. 

AND IT BUGS THEM TO HAVE TO ADMIT
THAT I'M AWARE. 
THAT I HAVE SOME INTELLIGENCE. 
THAT I CAN SEE THINGS THEY CAN'T. 
THAT I KNOW THINGS FROM THINGS I HAVE LEARNED, 

AND WOULD HAVE TOLD THEM MORE!

And the things I was saying... 
MAYBE I WAS SAYING IT
SO THEY COULD USE IT!!!!!

I was going to share more than just some things. 

BUT INSTEAD OF LISTENING... 
THEY TREATED ME LIKE THAT!

It took a lot from me not to walk away right away.

AFTER THE VERY FIRST TIME BEING TREATED LIKE THAT. 
I HAVE A LOT OF TOLERANCE FOR PAIN. 

I'VE HAD SO MUCH OF MY OWN
THAT I FKN KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT. 

But I have to LET people BE WHERE THEY ARE!
I can't force anyone to lift themselves up
and can't make them do it.
FOR THEMSELVES!

BUT JUST BECAUSE I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF PAINFUL SH*T
IN MY LIFE... 

DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD HAVE TO KEEP DOING IT.
FOR ANYONE. 

NO MATTER HOW MUCH I ONCE
WANTED XYZ FOR THEM
OR SAW XYZ IN THEM... 
OR WANTED XYZ WITH THEM... 
Or wanted to help them fkn level up. 

At the same time, it wasn't so much what I did... 
BECAUSE EVEN IF IT COMES FROM THE BEST PLACE... 
IF IT IS TAKEN THE WRONG WAY, 
IT'LL BE TAKEN SOMEWHERE IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE. 

BUT NO, THEY WANTED ME TO LISTEN TO THEM. 
WANTED TO PUT XYZ ON ME, 
WANTED TO TRY TO BREAK ME
ON TOP OF THAT... WTF?!

I WASN'T GOING TO "TRAUMA BOND."

Sure, I'll be "kind" and "caring"
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BE FKN USED. 
NOT GOING TO BE TOYED WITH, EITHER. 

And some people want to be treated like someone cares, correct?

BUT HOW AM I GOING TO FKN HOLD YOUR HAND?
AND LET YOU TRY TO "TRAUMA BOND" WITH ME?

NONE OF THAT BS CAME FROM A GOOD PLACE. 
NOT WHERE I WAS COMING FROM. 
OBVIOUSLY I DON'T LIKE THAT SH*T. 

BUT WHEN YOU HURT SOMEONE'S EGO, 
THEY WANT TO TRY TO ATTACK YOU. 
YOUR KNOWLEDGE, YOUR STRENGTH,
YOUR EXPERIENCE, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. 

JUST TO DO IT.
LIKE A POS WOULD DO.

But it wasn't just attacking me once. 
IT WAS CONSTANTLY. 
CONSISTENTLY. 

TO TRY TO ISOLATE ME.

CAN YOU ISOLATE SOMEONE
WHO ISOLATES THEMSELVES?
AND IS OKAY WITH THAT?
COMFORTABLE?

But if someone tried to isolate someone
WHO THINKS THEY NEED SOMEONE
TO BE ANYONE
THAT MIGHT WORK
AS A CONTROL TACTIC.

When I've learned to be okay with myself... 
I learned I didn't actually need anyone. 
SO BEING ISOLATED DIDN'T FKN MATTER. 
BECAUSE WHO WAS THERE ANYWAY?
ANYONE?

SO WHY CARE IF ANYONE IS THERE OR NOT?
SHOULD IT MATTER IF THEY ARE?
MAYBE?
BUT SHOULD IT MATTER IF THEY AREN'T?
SHOULD IT "BREAK" ME?

But they get mad that what was supposed to "break" me, didn't. 

WHEN THEY REALIZE I AM SMARTER THAN THEY THOUGHT. 
THAT I LEARNED SOMETHING BEFORE THEM. 

BUT IF THEY KNEW WHAT I KNEW, 
THEY'D BEEN MATURE ENOUGH
NOT TO XYZ. 

AND I GOT TIRED OF THAT SH*T. 
I HAVE BEEN TIRED OF THAT SH*T. 
IN EVERY FORM. 
From everyone!!!!

Anyway, I'm just really tired in general. 

Sleep's all fooked up, too.