Ego Boosters

What bugs me about being anyone's "target"
BESIDES THE FACT THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO DO IT, 
TO ME OR AT ALL, 
WAS BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WAS "WEAK"
FOR BEING "NICE"
AND TREATED LIKE I'M "STUPID"
CONSTANTLY. 

Whether it's projecting their sh*t onto me... 
Like using me as a scapegoat for their BS... 

PEOPLE GET TIRED OF THAT
AND DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND PEOPLE
WHO DO THAT SH*T. 
TO TRY TO BOOST THEIR EGO. 
THAT'S WHAT THE "CONTROL" WAS FOR. 
TO BOOST THEIR OWN EGO. 

OTHERWISE, THERE ISN'T A "NEED" FOR IT.

Trying to "break" me is fkn disgusting sh*t. 
Only a POS would do that sh*t. 

Here's what happens... I feel okay to show maybe 5%. 
AND THEY THINK THE 5% THAT I SHOW
IS ALL THERE IS ABOUT ME.

SO BECAUSE THEY ASSUME THAT... 
THEY TRY TO PUT ME IN THE "BOX"
THAT ONLY FITS THAT 5%. 

But trying to treat me like I had no right to walk away?
WTF IS THAT SH*T?

TRYING TO GET PEOPLE TO THINK XYZ
ABOUT ME THAT ISN'T TRUE... 

EXPOSES SO MUCH. 

I was only there because I had false hope
and wanted to do what was right. 
I thought giving more chances, 
TO CHANGE
TO GET IT RIGHT
WAS THE RIGHT THING. 

NOT BECAUSE I WAS UNDER
ANYONE'S CONTROL. 

IT WAS MY CHOICE. 

Just like it was my choice not to put up with BS. 
From any of them. 

Did Iron Heart come back
JUST TO BOUNCE AGAIN?

DID ANYONE SEE HOW MIRROR SMASHER
ACTED WHEN IT WAS JUST HIM AND I?

WOULD HE ACT LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF ANYONE?
JUST ME?

BUT TO FEEL "STRONGER" THAN ME
IT'S OKAY TO ASSUME I AM "WEAK"
AND TRY TO TREAT ME LIKE I'M "WEAK"?

INSTEAD OF NOT TRYING TO "PUT ME DOWN"
TO FEEL "GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF."

WHEN YOU FEEL OKAY WITH YOURSELF,
IS THERE A "NEED" TO DO THAT SH*T? NO!

SO THE FACT YOU DON'T FEEL OKAY WITH YOURSELF
ENOUGH NOT TO FKN TRY XYZ ON ME... 

HAS ZIP TO DO WITH ME
OTHER THAN YOU THINK IT WOULD WORK. 

And this is what I do. I test people. Because I have to. 
I HAVE TO SEE HOW THEY ARE PRONE TO ACT.
IF THEY CHOOSE TO ACT LIKE A POS... 

THAT'S THEM... ACTING LIKE A POS.
CHOOSING TO BE ONE. 

And I don't care what the reason is that they choose it.
BECAUSE THEY COULD CHOOSE
NOT TO CHOOSE
TO ACT LIKE A POS. 

And any "reason" they ever gave me was a fkn excuse. 
YOU THINK I NEVER HEARD EXCUSES?

AND I PLAY ALONG. 
AS THOUGH I CAN'T SEE WTF THEY ARE DOING
LITERALLY TO MY FACE... 

I LET THEM THINK I AM THAT FKN STUPID. 
BECAUSE IT STROKES THEIR EGO... 
TO THE POINT THAT... 
WHEN YOU DROP IT ON THEM
THAT THEY ACTUALLY AREN'T SH*T, 
NEVER HAD YOU FOOLED, 
THAT THEY CHOSE THEIR SH*T... 

BY THE TIME THEY REALIZE... THAT I'M MORE THAN THE 5%... 
I'm somewhere tf away from them and their BS.
THAT THEY NEVER HAD TO TRY TO COME AT ME WITH. 
BUT CHOSE TO. 

It's like this, though. WHY SHOULD I SHOW YOU MORE THAN 5%?
ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE GOING TO WASTE MY TIME?

Shouldn't I keep most of myself to myself?
ESPECIALLY IF YOU WANT TO ACT LIKE A POS?

Whoops! Breaking me failed! Womp! Womp!
The fact they'd even try to do that: WTF?!
WHY WOULD THAT BE ATTRACTIVE TO ME?
MY SELF-ESTEEM WAS NEVER BASED ON
WHETHER OR NOT HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME.
I'M NOT 15 YEARS OLD ANYMORE FFS. 

DIDN'T TAKE THAT INTO ACCOUNT.

A lot about me changed... 
OVER MANY YEARS. 

BUT I GUESS, SOME DON'T CHANGE SO MUCH. 
I GUESS THAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY "PLATEAU"
AT A CERTAIN AGE, 
AND ANYTHING THEY EVER HAD TO OFFER
IS WHATEVER THEY THINK THEY HAVE TO OFFER
BUT DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO OFFER.... 

Because only a POS would act like that. 
TO SOMEONE WHO WAS IN THEIR CORNER?
IMAGINE THAT?

BUT TO THINK I'D BE OKAY WITH THAT?
ON TOP OF THAT? WTF?!

Just because I show 5%, doesn't mean there isn't more to me. 
Living in "survival." That does that. 

Because why show more and more?
So 5% is "safe" for me. 

But they assume I'm just 5% lol. 
And that's whatever. 

It's fine to assume whatever, but the moment that you
ASSUME ANYTHING... 
IS A CHANCE YOU TAKE ON BEING WRONG.

WHICH YOU CAN AVOID.... !!!
BY NOT ASSUMING THINGS!!!

ASSUMING THAT I'M ONLY THE 5% THAT I SHOW... 
ASSUMING I WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH
TO WALK AWAY FROM SOMEONE
TRYING TO USE ME.
WHO'S ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO BE A POS... 

What was I supposed to do? Take that sh*t?

AND BE BLAMED FOR THEM THINKING
THAT IT'S OKAY TO DO THAT SH*T?

BECAUSE IF I WAS REALLY AS "WEAK"
AS THEY THOUGHT I WAS...
THEY'D HAVE KEPT FKN DOING IT. 

EVEN AFTER TELLING ME, TO MY FACE, 
THEY WOULDN'T DO IT ANYMORE!
WHEN THEY NEVER SHOULD HAVE!

I'm expected not to... So shouldn't they be expected not to?

SO HOW IS IT FAIR IF THEY EXPECT ME NOT TO XYZ?
TO THEM?

AND TURN AROUND AND DO XYZ TO ME?

Would it have been COOL if I was trying to use them?
FOR ANY REASON LET ALONE XYZ?

fK NO! SO WHY DO THEY THINK I'D BE COOL WITH THAT?

AND TO ACT LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE I'M NOT COOL WITH IT?

HE COULD HAVE LEFT WITHOUT SMASHING MY MIRROR!
WITHOUT TAKING MY KEYS WITH HIM. 

HE THEN REFUSED TO GET HIS THINGS TF OUT OF MY HOME. 

THEN PROCEEDED TO BE A SH*T LAST TIME
I HAD ANY CONTACT. 
NOT SURPRISED. 

FKN DISAPPOINTED AF, NOT SURPRISED. 

If you make it a fkn thing to even have a conversation. 
WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO TALK TO YOU
OR KEEP TRYING TO?
IT'S A WASTE OF THEIR TIME. 
SO WHY BOTHER?

But I let people think what they want to, about me. 
BECAUSE IT SHOWS ME THINGS ABOUT THEM. 
HOW THEY ACT SHOWS ME THINGS. 
BECAUSE IT SAYS THINGS ABOUT WHY THEY
ACT LIKE THAT. 

Back, years ago, when I realized... I didn't have to act
THE WAY I WAS ACTING... 

I also realized they don't have to act the way they are acting.

How they chose to act was a choice they were making. 
Just like how I choose to act is a choice that I make. 

It does bug me that a lot of people are driven by other things. 
Other than their choices. 

Because they could have chosen to choose to not xyz. 
AND BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T, 
WHY SHOULD I TRUST THEM?

WHEN IT COMES TO A LOT OF THINGS. 
INCLUDING ASSUMING THINGS ABOUT ME. 
LIKE ASSUMING MY INTELLECT. 
That one gets me the most. 
Just because I don't feel like I should have to prove myself... 
Doesn't mean that I couldn't. 

It just means that I don't feel like I should have to. 

TO ANYONE WHO WOULD TREAT ME LIKE THAT?
WHY WOULD I?

TREAT SOMEONE LIKE THEY ARE STUPID... 
SURE, I'LL LET YOU FOR A WHILE
AND PLAY ALONG LIKE I DON'T REALIZE
OR HAVE THE CAPACITY TO REALIZE
FKN ANYTHING... 

JUST TO GET A LAUGH 
WHEN THEY REALIZE THAT I DID.
ALL ALONG. 

AND BY THEN... TOO LATE. 

Because they didn't have to try to treat me like I'm stupid. 
AS THOUGH I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. 
I KNOW A LOT MORE THAN MOST REALIZE. 
BUT I KEEP IT TO MYSELF
BECAUSE WHAT IS THE POINT IN SHOWING MORE
WHEN THEY ASSUME THAT'S ALL THERE IS?

Just to prove them wrong?
Why should I have to prove that?
REALIZING IT PROVES IT FOR ME. 

But by then, they already lied to my face
BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WAS STUPID
AND "WEAK" FOR TRYING TO BE "NICE."
AND I NEVER GAF ABOUT BEING ACCEPTED
BY ANYONE WHO'D DO THAT SH*T. 

To try to spin it into I was the one doing them "wrong"
FOR NOT PUTTING UP WITH THAT SH*T?

Newsflash! I have a right not to!
Regardless of what anyone thinks of that!
Including anyone who fkn expected me to.
FOR HOW MANY YEARS?

That kind of sh*t, you can't unsee that sh*t.
After seeing that, they are automatically disqualified. 
No matter how they feel about it. 
THEY DISQUALIFIED THEMSELVES. 

And I really have to look at it like that from now on. 
AND I HAVE TO LET THEM DISQUALIFY THEMSELVES. 
BY CHOOSING TO ACT HOW THEY CHOOSE TO ACT. 
BECAUSE I KNOW, BY NOW, 
WHAT I WON'T BE HAVING IN MY LIFE. 
NEVER AGAIN. 

INCLUDING ANYONE WHO THINKS
THEY CAN TRY TO USE ME. 

But here's the thing... I didn't realize how fkd it was... 
THAT SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY GET TREATED LIKE THAT. 

BECAUSE TO ME, WHY WOULD I DO THAT SH*T?
ZERO TO GET FROM DOING IT.

BUT TO DO IT TO TRY TO GET SOMETHING FROM IT?
HOW EMPTY DOES SOMEONE HAVE TO BE
TO DO THAT SH*T?
INTENTIONALLY!!!!!

The intentional part threw me, too. 
Because I was like: Wtf?! Why is that even happening?
I SHOW UP FOR SOMEONE
AND I GET THAT?

THAT'S HOW THEY CHOSE TO REPAY ME. 
FOR MY "KINDNESS."

BECAUSE IT MADE ME "WEAK." FK THAT.
I CHOSE TO BE. 
I NEVER HAD TO BE. 
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME "WEAK."
HOW DOES MAKING MY OWN CHOICES
MAKE ME "WEAK"?

I could have chosen to be a POS, right?
WOULD THEY HAVE WANTED ME TO BE "NICE?"
OR WOULD THEY HAVE WANTED ME TO BE A POS?

BECAUSE BEING A POS DOESN'T MAKE ANYONE STRONG. 
BEING A POS MEANS YOU HAD THE CHOICE
NOT TO BE A POS AND STILL CHOSE 
TO BE A POS
WHEN YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE A POS. 

IT DOESN'T SAY YOU'VE MASTERED YOUR CHOICES. 
IF YOU HAD, YOU'D NOT BE A POS. 

AND IF I WARN YOU, AND YOU STILL CHOOSE XYZ... 
YOU CAN'T SAY I NEVER WARNED YOU, 
AND YOU STILL CHOSE XYZ. 
YOU CAN'T SAY I CHOSE IT FOR YOU. 

BECAUSE IF I COULD CHOOSE FOR YOU, 
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A POS!

FUNNY HOW THAT WORKS!

But it was never up to me, your choices. 
SO TO PUT YOUR CHOICES ON ME
WOULD BE LIKE ME TRYING TO PUT MY CHOICES
ON YOU. 

WOULD THAT BE FAIR OF ME TO DO?
SO HOW IS IT FAIR FOR YOU TO DO?

And the fact I even have to ask that drives me crazy. 

IF XYZ WOULD BE FAIR IF I DID IT... 

BECAUSE IF IT ISN'T....
HOW TF IS IT FAIR IF YOU DO IT?

And to try to give me excuses and fake apologies is BS.

Anyway, it's frustrating dealing with superficial people. 
THEY "RELATE" ON A SUPERFICIAL LEVEL ONLY
AND "THINK" ON A SUPERFICIAL LEVEL ONLY. 

When a deleted message meant more than I did ffs... 
WHEN WHATEVER BS MEANT MORE THAN I DID... 
WHY SHOULD I WAIT?
FOR THEM TO REALIZE IF I MEANT ANYTHING OR NOT?
TF WOULD I DO THAT FOR?

They wouldn't have treated me like that...
AND BREADCRUMBED ME... 
JUST ENOUGH TO TRY TO
"TRY TO KEEP ME STUCK"
STUCK GOING FKN NOWHERE. 

IS "FIGHTING" INSTEAD OF TALKING "HEALTHY?"
WHEN WE COULD HAVE JUST TALKED?
IS THAT IMMATURITY "ATTRACTIVE?"

Someone was saying: 
"It's either someone is "relationship-minded""
OR THEY HAVE SELFISH MOTIVES. 

Here's why the thing about trying to break me bothers me:

Pushed to wanting to die. Literally. 
Either that or wanting to go back to drinking. 

TRYING TO FEED OFF MY ENERGY
BY TRYING TO "AFFECT" MY "STABILITY."

BECAUSE WHY TRY TO PUSH ME TO "THE EDGE"?

And the only way I could "move forward"
was to fkn walk tf away from that sh*t. 

"Hurting" me was about trying to affect my soul. 
BY TREATING ME THE WORST THEY COULD!
GASLIGHTING THE WHOLE 9!

Only a POS would do that!

I DO NOT NEED TO INVEST IN THAT.
THEY STILL WANTED TO TRY TO HAVE "CONTROL"
AND BECAUSE OF THAT, I AM NOT THERE.
TO TRY TO TREAT ANY TYPE OF WAY. 

THEY CAN'T JUST PROJECT SH*T ONTO ME.
AND THINK I'D JUST LET THEM.
CONSTANTLY. 

AND THINK I'D LET MYSELF STAY IN A TRAP. 
IF I FIND MYSELF IN ONE
DUE TO TRUSTING SOMEONE
AND THEY TURN AROUND TO ACT/BE/DO XYZ...

I CAN SEE IT, AFTER A WHILE. 
MAYBE NOT RIGHT AWAY, 
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THAT SH*T... 
Some things have been hard to believe. 

But anyone trying to "control" me has their "reasons"
FOR TRYING TO.
OR THEY WOULDN'T FKN TRY TO. 

And I realized that a long time ago. 

I had "control" the entire time because it was up to me. 
IT WAS MY CHOICE. 

WHETHER OR NOT I WOULD GIVE THEM
"CONTROL" OVER ME
OR TELL THEM TO FK OFF!

When you're actually strong enough to think for yourself
Regardless of WHAT ANYONE WANTED
AS A RESULT OF THEIR BS...
Of pushing me to "the edge..."

BUT NOT COUNTING on the fact THAT I'D BE P*SSED
THAT THEY'D TRY TO DO THAT SH*T. 
AND TRY TO TARGET ME LIKE THAT. 
JUST FOR BEING "NICE." FFS. 

And anyone trying to use anyone to try to get at me... 
They have their reasons for trying to do that. 

But to allow them to use you to try to get at me?

Wild. I never thought that I'd have to deal with that. 

It was a chance that I took, though. 
TO GIVE ANYONE A CHANCE. 
LET ALONE MANY.
RIGHT?

Not a chance I had to keep taking, though. 
Or had to take at all. Ever. 
Never had to. 

Never had to even warn anyone.
Could have just walked away
THE VERY FIRST HINT OF DISRESPECT, 
BUT DID I?

AND I TOOK THAT CHANCE. 
I don't have to keep taking it.
Never had to. 

Had to learn the hard way that I have to just... 
Let people be where they are at... 
AND LEAVE THEM THERE IF I HAVE TO.
IF I AM PUSHED TO DO IT.

OTHERWISE, WOULD I?
OR WOULD I HAVE HELPED THEM?
WOULD I HAVE BEEN THERE FOR THEM?

WOULD I STILL BE THERE?
PROBABLY!
GLADLY WITHOUT XYZ!

WHEN XYZ IS TOO MUCH... 
IT'S TOO MUCH!

And why should I be expected to fkn take any sh*t?

When I'm there, doing all I can... 
THEY DON'T FKN SEE IT!
OR SEE ME!

IT'S AGGRAVATING!

BUT THEY CAN SEE WHEN I'M NOT THERE?
NOT DOING WHAT I USED TO?
WHAT I WOULD HAVE CONTINUED TO?
FOR THEM?

WHO'S THERE, NOW?
EVERYONE WHO CONTRIBUTED TO IT
BEING A SH*TSHOW?

WHO THEY ALLOWED TO DO THAT?
That's who they have now. 

People who care about where they're at?
ABOUT THEM AT ALL?

OR DO THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES?

IF THEY CARED ABOUT HIM
WOULD THEY BE USING HIM?

IF HE CARED ABOUT HIMSELF
WOULD HE LET THEM?

WOULD HE ALLOW IT?
or would have have told them all to go fk themselves?

WHEN IT CAME TO WHAT THEY ALL WANTED FROM HIM?

HE TOLD ME TO GO FK MYSELF
WHEN I WANTED FAIRNESS. 
WHEN CERTAIN THINGS WEREN'T FAIR TO OR COOL WITH ME.

If it wouldn't be fair to them
AND WOULDN'T BE COOL WITH THEM... 
HOW WOULD IT BE FAIR TO OR COOL WITH ME?

I think that's a pretty simple concept. 
If something's not cool with me, 
why would it be cool with them?

WHY WOULD IT BE COOL TO EXPECT IT TO BE?

If someone's going to be too prideful with me....
I can reject them for it. 

AND WHAT HAPPENS TO THAT INFLATED EGO
WHEN THAT INFLATED EGO
IS GROSS?

So if you play the game and let someone think you're "stupid" etc... 
TO THE POINT THEIR EGO INFLATES... 
AND IT GETS GROSS... 

CAN THEY BLAME YOU FOR BEING GROSSED OUT BY IT?

On many levels... ?