Rice For Days

Well, I went to a potluck thing yesterday. 
I made rice for it. A lot of rice. 6 cups of rice...
It expands to be like 12 lol.

So I made a lot more than needed. 

I guess I was thinking: "Better too much than not enough."

It was a nice little thing. 

The leader was talking with me. 
She had asked why my son was in the hospital. 
So I said it was to do with his medication. 
Because they put him on new meds. 
She asked what the meds were for. I told her. 

I hope I don't regret telling her.

The way she's been to me, I really hope I don't. 

Like when she asked me to help S with the website for the group.
AND AFTER MEETING WITH S ONCE TO WORK ON IT, 
S JUST TOOK IT OVER
WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT IT TO ME, 
AND THEY GAVE ME A TINY BIT OF CREDIT FOR IT
EVEN THOUGH SHE DID IT WITHOUT ME. 
AFTER ASKING ME TO HELP WITH IT. 

STUFF LIKE THAT.

Then she asked me to help her do something for the site
THAT I HADN'T DONE BEFORE
SO I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT
AND SHE GOT MAD THAT I WOULDN'T
BECAUSE I LITERALLY TOLD HER I COULDN'T.

THINGS LIKE THAT. 

I TEND TO FKN REGRET TELLING ANYONE ANYTHING. 
ESPECIALLY PERSONAL THINGS. 

They try to act like: "You can tell me... But you don't have to..."

Then I tell them, then they talk and tell everyone. 
NOT ONLY DO THEY TELL EVERYONE, 
BUT SOMETIMES THEY USE IT AGAINST ME SOMEHOW. 

AND I SHOULD KNOW BETTER THINKING
THAT I COULD TELL THEM... 

SURE, I COULD, BUT "COULD 1 REALLY"?

THEY SAY THAT BECAUSE THEY ARE FKN NOSEY... 
THEY WANT TO KNOW!
AND THERE'S A REASON!

OTHERWISE? IT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS! 
SO WHY ASK ABOUT IT?
WHY: "YOU CAN TELL ME..."?
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO KNOW!
FOR A REASON! 

Or they would realize:
THAT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS. 
THEY WOULDN'T ASK ABOUT IT
AND WOULDN'T BE LIKE:
"YOU CAN TELL ME."

IF YOU COULD TELL THEM, 
THEY'D JUST LET YOU TELL THEM. 
THEY WOULDN'T SAY THAT
TO FKN TRY TO CONVINCE YOU OR SOMETHING. 

Kind of creepy that she said it...

Like she wanted to know bad enough to say it. 
To try to seem like I could trust her. 

Could I trust her about something simple
like the website?

Could I trust her not to be that way with me?

AND IS SHE LIKE THAT TO ANYONE
SHE CONSIDERS AN EQUAL?

JUST TO ME BECAUSE SHE LOOKS AT ME
LIKE I'M LOWER THAN HER.

OTHERWISE SHE WOULDN'T DO IT. 

SHE'S THE LEADER. 
EVERYONE ELSE IS A MEMBER. 

SHE WANTS IT SO THAT NOBODY FORGETS IT. 
ESPECIALLY ME. 

AND IF I WAS AS WEALTHY AS THE OTHERS...
WOULD SHE BE LIKE THAT?
PROBABLY NOT!

BUT SOMEHOW I DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?

LIKE I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO WORK ON THE SITE
WITH S LIKE I WAS ASKED TO DO... 
SHE WENT AHEAD AND DID IT ALL
AFTER MEETING WITH ME ONCE. 
WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT IT. 

ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE WAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT
THAT THE SITE WAS DONE (WITHOUT ME).
THANKS FOR TELLING ME YOU WERE JUST GOING TO
GO AHEAD AND DO IT... 

AND FOR WASTING MY TIME ASKING ME.

It bugs me because WHY ASK ME AT ALL
AND HAVE ME COME OVER LIKE YOU WANTED
MY HELP
AND JUST TURN AROUND AND DO THAT?!

WHY FKN DO IT? JUST TO DO THAT?

OR BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO "TEST" ME?

"LET'S SEE IF SHE CAN DO IT. IF SHE CAN'T, I WILL."

IF THEY WERE USING WORDPRESS, YEAH. 
THEY WANTED TO USE GOOGLE SITES. 
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE EASY TO USE, 
BUT WORDPRESS, ELEMENTOR'S BETTER. 

They don't have a domain, it has a subdomain. 

They spend all their money on fancy vacations
TO BRAG ABOUT TO EVERYONE
BUT CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO ACTUALLY
GET A DOMAIN
SINCE THEY WANT TO HAVE AN ACTUAL SITE... 
THEY SHOULD HAVE A DOMAIN. 
SO PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY FIND THE SITE. 

But I stopped trying to help and they probably won't ask me again. 

Like last year, they were talking about some fundraising event thing
THAT THEY WERE DOING AROUND CHRISTMAS. 

AND BECAUSE THEY HADN'T ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO
BE INVOLVED IN IT... 

I SAID: "IF YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO HELP OUT NEXT YEAR, 
JUST LET ME KNOW..."

AND AGAIN, THIS YEAR, THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT IT. 
LIKE IT'S THEIR THING AND I WASN'T INVITED, AGAIN. 

SO THIS YEAR I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT BEING INVOLVED. 

BECAUSE IF THEY WANTED ME TO BE, 
THEY WOULD HAVE INVITED ME TO BE INVOLVED. 

IF THEY CAN ONLY "TOLERATE" ME FOR THE MEETINGS,
I CAN DO THE SAME. 

IT BUGS ME WHEN PEOPLE WHO COULD INCLUDE ME
DON'T INCLUDE ME AND PRETEND LIKE THEY INCLUDE EVERYONE. 

LIKE IT'S "KIND" FOR THEM TO LET ME COME TO MEETINGS. 
IN THEIR GROUP. 

I don't like being treated like that. I don't. 

WOULD YOU? WOULD THEY?

I don't HAVE TO put myself OUT THERE
to be treated like that. Y'know?

By anyone.

To be available to be given "credit"
FOR WORK I WASN'T ALLOWED TO DO ON THE SITE
BECAUSE I SHOWED UP WHEN ASKED ONCE
BEFORE THEY WENT BEHIND MY BACK
WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT IT. 

AND THAT THING ABOUT THE TAG. 

I wrote about it when it happened,
but I forgot the exact words right now. 

I know I wrote about it after it happened 
BECAUSE IT WAS A WEIRD THING TO DO. 

I DON'T SEE HER ACTING LIKE THAT
WITH ANYONE ELSE IN THE GROUP. 

PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T FKN DARE TO. 

SHE'D BE EMBARRASSED IF THEY CALLED HER OUT. 
BUT THINKS IT IS OKAY TO DO TO ME. 

BECAUSE I MUST BE TOO "STUPID"
TO REALIZE SHE'S DOING IT OR WHY. 

So she was like: "Is he up to it?"
About my son going back to school. 

Maybe he is, maybe not. 
BUT IF HE WANTS TO GO FOR IT
WHO AM I TO "DECIDE" THAT FOR HIM?

IT'D BE LIKE SOMEONE TRYING TO DECIDE
IF I'M UP FOR SOMETHING OR NOT... 

LIKE HOW THEY DECIDED ABOUT THE WEBSITE. 
WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT IT. 

Yes, I'm younger than them
BUT I AM AN ADULT SO THEY COULD TREAT ME LIKE ONE. 

ONE MEMBER LIKE WAS LISTENING TO ME TALKING, 
TO SOMEONE ELSE
AND WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO ME AT ALL. 

SHE WAS THE ONE TALKING TO THE HOST ABOUT THE THINGS
THEY DIDN'T INVOLVE ME IN
THE THINGS FROM LAST YEAR
THAT I SAID I WOULD HELP OUT WITH
THIS YEAR. 

BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT
THIS YEAR
BECAUSE THEY WON'T INVOLVE ME AT ALL. 
IN ANYTHING THEY ARE. 

THAT'S OKAY. THEY DON'T HAVE TO. 
THEY DON'T. 

But it bugs me that when I've already shown an interest in it
AND I SAID I WOULD HELP
AND THEY COULD HAVE JUST LET ME.
EVEN TO "TEST" ME SINCE THEY SEEM TO LIKE TO DO THAT... 

But I just won't fkn bother anymore and let them
take whatever credit for themselves that they want. 

It wasn't about getting any credit for it. 
It was about being involved in it, too. 

AND NOW I DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE
BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE
AND CHOSE NOT TO. 

And I don't HAVE TO do anything for or with them. 
BUT EVEN WHEN I MADE MYSELF AVAILABLE
I GOT TREATED LIKE THAT. 

So why make myself available to be treated like that?

When you treat people like that, it comes back. 
Always. 
In ways nobody likes. 
So why do that?

IF YOU GO "TOO FAR"
THERE'S NO GOING BACK FROM THAT.
SO WHY GO "THERE"?
JUST TO BE A POS?

TO THE POINT SOMEONE
DOESN'T GAF ABOUT BEING "ACCEPTED"
BY A POS?

AND IF I EVER GET AN APOLOGY, 
IT'S NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE WRONG, 
IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS RIGHT. 

IF THEY WERE WRONG, IN THEIR MIND, 
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE GONE "THERE."

BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WRONG TO DO IT. 
SO WHY DO IT?

BUT WHY WOULD I WANT TO HEAR THE EXCUSES
AS TO WHY THEY WOULD DO THAT SH*T?
TO SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T DO THAT SH*T TO THEM. 

I don't want to give my time and energy
TO ANYONE WHO DOESN'T RESPECT IT. 

WHO ASKS ME TO DO SOMETHING
AS A FAVOR
AND TURNS AROUND WITHOUT SAYING
ANYTHING TO ME
AND DOES IT THEMSELVES
WITHOUT ME
AFTER ASKING ME. 

SO WHEN I AM ASKED, 
I GOT TREATED LIKE THAT. 

AND IF I LEFT THE GROUP, 
ON MY OWN, THEY'D TALK ABOUT ME.
BECAUSE THEY DO WHEN I'M NOT THERE. 

I'VE HEARD THEM TALKING ABOUT OTHERS, TOO. 

What anyone tries to put on my life... Any "down fall"
THEY WANTED FOR ME
BECOMES THEIR OWN. 
IT BOOMERANGS BACK. 

When I was a kid, I really wanted a boomerang. 
When I got one, I brought it to school.
I threw it once. It landed on the roof of one of the "portables."
And I never got it back. 

Anyway... Story of my life. 

So yeah... 

But whatever... 

I wouldn't be like that. 
Not just because it comes back... 

Besides that, it's gross to be that kind of person. 
PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING YOU ARE NOT. 

IF YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY INCLUSIVE
DON'T TRY TO PRETEND TO BE. 

DON'T ASK FOR SOMEONE TO HELP YOU
AS A FAVOR
AND TURN AROUND AND DO THAT TO THEM!

IF YOU WANT MY HELP, GROW ENOUGH
TO WHERE YOU WOULDN'T TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

WOULD THEY WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?
INCLUDED ONLY TO BE UNINCLUDED?
WHY INCLUDE ME AT ALL, THEN?
JUST TO DO THAT?

Like that chick who asked me if I wanted to get a coffee with her
and another girl came along with us. 
And I'm glad she did. 

Because that chick took off before we got the coffee. 

IT BUGS ME WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T.

I've only bounced when people gave me bad or weird vibes. 
AND I DON'T DO IT INTENTIONALLY, IF I DO IT. 

BUT THOSE I GOT THE "OFF" STUFF
MAYBE WEREN'T DOING IT INTENTIONALLY, EITHER. 
IF THEY HAD BAD INTENTIONS, 
THEY'D HAVE WANTED TO HIDE IT. 

MY SOUL LIKE SCREAMS AT ME TO GTFO
IF I FEEL SOMETHING. 

LISTENING TO IT COULD HAVE AND MIGHT HAVE
SAVED MY LIFE, 
MORE THAN ONCE. 

Anyway, I'm doing alright with this new thing I started. 
I'm liking it so far. 

I got another email from the guy about his refund. 
He contacted someone in the company
and told me to call him. 

So I'm going to have to do that.
WHY DO PEOPLE EXPECT SO DAMN MUCH
FROM ME?
TO DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM?
NOT JUST DO IT THEMSELVES?
AND JUST EXPECT ME
TO DO IT FOR THEM?

LIKE I HAVE NOTHING ELSE GOING ON?

WHAT IF I HAD A CRISIS?
HE'D STILL EXPECT ME TO HANDLE HIS SH*T FOR HIM!!!!
WHY WOULD HE GAF ABOUT ANYONE
OTHER THAN HIMSELF?
AND EVERYTHING HE WANTS?

FK EVERYONE ELSE!

WHEN WHAT I WANT IS FOR HIM TO HANDLE
HIS OWN SH*T
AND NOT EXPECT ME TO DO EVERYTHING FOR HIM!
IS HE PAYING ME TO HANDLE HIS SH*T? NO?

PEOPLE JUST FKN EXPECT XYZ FROM ME!
THAT BUGS ME. 

After I talk to the guy for him, I just don't want
anything more to do with the guy. 

I should have already blocked him. 
FK HIM, FK HIS BS, FK HIS REFUND. 
FK HIS EXPECTATIONS. 
FK WHAT HE WANTS. 

YET I WILL CALL THE GUY HE ASKED ME TO CALL, 
GIVE HIM ALL THE INFO
AND THAT'S IT FOR ME. 
NOTHING MORE. 

BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. 
I GAVE HIM ALL THE INFO
TO HANDLE IT HIMSELF
AND TOLD HIM MANY TIMES
THAT IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY
WHICH MEANS HE SHOULD NOT EXPECT ME
TO FKN HELP HIM FURTHER. 

THIS SHOULD BE UP TO HIM TO SORT OUT. 
NOT PUT ON ME. 

LIKE I NEED ANOTHER HASSLE FFS. 

And when I contact the guy to give him the info, 
I'll tell him why I don't want to be involved any further. 

The dude just wants his refund and that has fk all to do with me. 

HE'S PUTTING IT ON ME TO HANDLE FOR HIM. 
IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. 

AND AFTER THAT CALL, 
I WANT NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH HIM
OR WITH THIS AND THAT IS FINAL. 

OR WITH DEALING WITH CLIENTS
WHO APPARENTLY DON'T REALIZE
THAT I HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN
AND NOT EVERYTHING'S ABOUT THEM
AND WHAT THEY WANT FROM ME. 
ALL THE FKN TIME!!!!

Like how many times do I need to say:
"DEAL WITH THIS YOURSELF!
I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL ASSISTANT!"
"THIS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, NOT MINE!"

AND EVEN AFTER SAYING THAT:
I STILL GET EXPECTATIONS PUT ON ME
AS THOUGH I NEVER FKN SAID IT!
SO WHAT DOES IT MATTER THAT I DID?!
DID THEY "HEAR" ME?
WHEN I SAID IT?

OR DO THEY STILL WANT WHAT THEY WANT
AND TREAT ME LIKE I FKN OWE IT TO THEM
TO DO XYZ FOR THEM
WHEN I REALLY FKN DON'T?!

And then they take for granted
THAT I'M STILL BEING FKN NICE ABOUT IT!
BUT THAT IS AS FAR AS IT GOES!

I WANT NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH THIS!
AND I SHOULDN'T FKN BE EXPECTED
TO DO FK ALL!
BUT ALWAYS MORE AND MORE AND MORE
UNTIL EVERYONE GETS WHAT THEY WANT
WHEN IT NEVER MATTERED WHAT I WANTED:

HEAR ME WHEN I SAY:
"THIS IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY!"

And stop trying to stress me out with hassling me
about something that isn't my responsibility!!!

SHOULD I HARRASS YOU ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY?

AND EXPECT YOU TO GO ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR ME?

AFTER WASTING MONTHS OF YOUR TIME?
AND WANTING MORE AND MORE
AND CROSSING LINES
THAT HE SHOULD HAVE RESPECTED ME
ENOUGH NOT TO CROSS?

Yet he expects me to make a call for him... 
AND SORT OUT HIS FKN REFUND. 
FOR HIM. 

AFTER ALL OF THIS SH*T. 

AM I MEANS TO EVERYTHING EVERYONE WANTS? NO!

JUST BECAUSE HE WANTS IT TO BE EASY FOR HIM
TO HAVE ME HANDLE IT FOR HIM. 

AND ONCE I DO, I DON'T WANT HIM TO CONTACT ME AGAIN. 
HE'LL HAVE NO REASON TO. 

I AM NOT HIS ASSISTANT. 

Just aggravates me. Each time I get a message from someone... 
It's just another bunch of steps backwards... 

Or each time I try to do something... 
Nothing that should be a lot fkn easier... 
BY NATURE OF THE THING... 
SEEMS TO BE AS EASY AS IT COULD/SHOULD BE. 

IT FKN AGGRAVATES THE FK OUT OF ME!

IT ONLY SHOULD HAVE TAKEN:
CONTACTING THEM THE FIRST TIME THAT I DID
TO TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED
AND TO GIVE THEM THE INFO ONCE
FOR THEM TO PROCESS THE REFUND. 

LEAVING ME OUT OF IT, THE REST OF IT, 
FROM THERE. 

BUT THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. 

AND HAD THE GUY ON MY @SS ABOUT IT. 
CONSTANTLY. 
BEING A PAIN IN MY @SS ABOUT IT. 

WHEN I COULD TELL HIM TO FK RIGHT OFF...
AFTER WHAT HE PULLED... 
SHOWING ME HIS DK.... 

WHICH MOST PEOPLE WOULD DO... 

I'm still being "nice" about it. 

BUT AFTER THAT I DO NO WANT ANYTHING MORE TO DO
WITH THAT GUY. 

AND FK HAVING ANY CLIENTS
IF ANY OF THEM COULD ACT LIKE THAT FFS.

HAD ENOUGH. RUINED IT FOR ME. 

Why couldn't he have NOT DONE ANY OF THOSE THINGS?
WHY COULDN'T HE HAVE JUST
RESPECTED ME ENOUGH, 
AS A PERSON, NOT TO DO THAT SH*T?

He could have! I respected HIM enough not to do that sh*t!
He would have liked it, had I... 
That's besides the point. 

I respected him enough not to try to make him
feel fkn uncomfortable or not respected. 

TRIED TO KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL, 
WHICH HE DID NOT. 

Shouldn't have been that hard to keep it about
what it was supposed to be about. 

AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO MAKE THAT CALL
TO THAT GUY FROM THE COMPANY
HE WANTS ME TO CALL FOR HIM.

BECAUSE I WANT TO PROVE TO HIM
HE CAN'T JUST "MAKE ME DO"
WHAT HE WANTS ME TO DO. 

But if just making the call gets him to fkn get off my @ss
about the entire thing and p*ss off, I will make the call. 

Just a lot that bothers me. Would it bother you?
If you were put in that position?

I put myself in that position. 
By even talking to the guy. 

By making any agreement with him
about a website. 

I could have just not... 

IT MADE ME NOT WANT TO, AGAIN. 

JUST ONE THING. AFTER ANOTHER.
IN THIS CITY. 

BUT I COULD HAVE JUST NOT.