Too Old For It Too

What also bugs me is what he allowed and participated in. 

Like when one wench tried to step to me
on my way to meet up with him, once. 

I'd never seen her before. 
I had no idea she had anything to do with him. 
I even told him about it. 
He said nothing about it. 

Besides that... HE LET HER SHOOT HIM UP.

That was his choice, but SHE WANTED HIM HOOKED
SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE THE ENERGY
TO COME BACK MY WAY. 

I had nightmares about her overdosing him, 
intentionally. 

Who does that sh*t?

Well, in the building I live in...
Some chick was sm0king cr@ck in her place...
NEXT TO A DEAD GUY FOR 3 DAYS.

SOMEONE CALLED IT IN, 
THAT SHE HAD A DEAD GUY IN HER PLACE FFS.

Some people don't gaf about anyone. 
TO THE POINT YOU COULD DIE
AND THEY'D JUST LEAVE YOU THERE
TO JUST FKN ROT. 
WTF.

I want to think other cities aren't like this. 
I want to think there's something extra fkd up about
this city. 

I don't know what it is, but it is something. 

Like a special kind of fkd up. 

Unfortunately, compared to some places, 
it's not that bad... 

AS BAD AS IT IS... 

The fkd up things I've lived through, here... 
It kind of p*sses me off. 
All I was put through for no fkn reason. 

And what also p*sses me off is that they can't see
what they had when they had me
WHEN THEY HAD ME. 
ONLY AFTER I AM GONE. 

"DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE
UNTIL IT'S GONE."

AND BEING TREATED LIKE THAT.
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. 

AFTER CHANCE AFTER CHANCE AFTER CHANCE
AFTER CHANCE
TO JUST FKN NOT XYZ.

When they realize that I WAS FOR REAL. I AM REAL. 
NO FALSE PRETENSES. 
NO ALTERIOR MOTIVES. 
I'M NOT TRYING TO GET OR HAVE SOMETHING
TO GET OR HAVE SOMETHING. 

IF THERE IS NO SPARK, 
THERE ISN'T ANYTHING THERE, 
FOR ME. 

AND THAT SPARK SHOULD HAVE BEEN
ENOUGH TO TREAT ME PROPERLY. 

AT LEAST NOT XYZ. 

Maybe it should have been enough to
BE AN ADULT AND ACT LIKE ONE. 

But, anyway, if it had "worked out" though, 
HIS STUFF WOULD HAVE BEEN A DISTRACTION
IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. 

A GOOD WAY, OR A P*SS OFF WAY.
EITHER WAY. 

And sometimes I think about if it had... 
BUT HIS CHOICES ENSURED THEY DIDN'T. 

And b*tches trying to come at me, too. 

Another thing that bugs me is people taking my kindness
AS A WEAKNESS, TOO. 

UNTIL I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GIVING, 
OR FORGIVING. 

OR ANYTHING TO THEM, AT ALL. 
I NEVER HAD TO DO FK ALL FOR ANYONE.

YET WHO DO THEY COME TO IN A PINCH?
WHO IS THE FIRST ONE THEY ASK?

WHY? BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN LOYAL. 

YET WHO'S BEEN LOYAL TO ME?

WHO'S BEEN THERE FOR ME?

ANYONE I'VE EVER BEEN THERE FOR?
WERE THEY THERE FOR ME?

And am I ever there for anyone FOR them to be there for me?
BUT WOULD IT BE NICE
IF THAT WORKED LIKE THAT. 
THAT LOYALTY BEGOT LOYALTY. 

THAT ALL YOU HAD TO BE WAS LOYAL
TO SOMEONE
FOR THEM TO BE LOYAL TO YOU. 

THAT ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS BE TRUSTING
FOR THOSE YOU TRUSTED
TO BE WORTHY OF YOUR TRUST... 

THAT ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS SEE SOMETHING
AS SACRED FOR IT TO BE SACRED, 

THAT ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS BE TRUTHFUL
TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY... 

It would be nice if it worked like that. 

IF YOU COULD BE APPRECIATED WHILE YOU
ARE.RIGHT.FKN.THERE
NOT AFTER SOME REFLECTS AFTER DOING XYZ. 
AFTER YOU SAY:
"HELL NO. YOU RUINED YOUR CHANCES."

AFTER THEY WANTED TO BE PETTY, 
SELFISH, AND IMMATURE. 

AND CHOSE TO BE, TO ME. 

MORE THAN ONCE, TOO. 

There was that thing that nagged at me a bit:
"If they aren't being honest to themselves... 
How am I supposed to expect them to be honest with me?"

BECAUSE IF THEY WERE HONEST WITH THEMSELVES
THEY WOULD HAVE NO ISSUE
BEING HONEST TO/WITH ME.

AND WOULD NEVER DO XYZ. 

AND WOULD KNOW THAT TO DO XYZ
WOULD BE TAKING A HUGE RISK
THAT THEY WOULDN'T BE TAKING. 
NOT A RISK ON ME. 

Ideally, a spark would become more. 
Would mean something. 

But what has to be realized that each time they did xyz... 
IT DISAPPOINTED ME EVEN MORE
THAN THE PREVIOUS TIME. 

BECAUSE THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO FKN
JUST NOT DO IT. 

Every insult, every low blow, every immature bs thing... 
EVERY SLAP IN THE FACE... 

every door slammed in their own face
BY LETTING WHOEVER RUN THE SHOW. 
BY REFUSING TO STEP TF UP.
BY BEING TRUE AND REAL. 
AND HONEST. 

But they don't have the balls to make a move, now. 
NOT AFTER ALL THAT BS. 

AFTER LETTING THE BALL DROP?
SO MUCH SO THAT I ENDED UP LETTING THEM?
BECAUSE WHY NOT?
IF THEY WANTED TO, THEY COULD
BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT AROUND
UNTIL THEY WANTED TO PICK IT UP. 
AND THROW IT BACK. 
Y'KNOW?

A lot of time already got wasted. 

People can choose whether or not they'll be a sh*t. 
ADULTS SHOULD HAVE ALREADY CHOSEN. 
WHETHER OR NOT THEY'LL BE A SH*T. 

WHETHER OR NOT THEY'LL BE TRUE 
TO SOMEONE WHO WAS TRUE TO THEM. 

WHO BOUNCED BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T
BEING TRUE TO THEM.

"I was with the wrong person for 20 years."
TO MY FACE!!!!!
AND YET WHO DID YOU GIVE MY NUMBER TO
TO COME "ATTACK ME"
AFTER YOU LET HER TRY TO PLAY
IN MY FACE?

WHO I HAD TO TELL NOT TO FKN PLAY WITH ME,
EITHER?

To my face, though. 
WHAT A SLAP IN THE FACE!

 I have a new number and I don't anticipate
hearing from either of them. 

TOLD THEM BOTH TO FK OFF. 
WHETHER THEY DO OR NOT IS UP TO THEM. 

AFTER "I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HER."
LIKE COURT ORDERED. 

AND I STILL GOT THIS BS.

I THOUGHT: IF THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EVEN TALK, 
COURT ORDERED, 
MAYBE SHE WON'T BE A FKN ISSUE ANYMORE. 
YET SHE WAS STILL A FKN ISSUE. 

CONSTANTLY INSERTING HERSELF. 
IN OUR CONVERSATIONS, EVEN. 

WANTS HIM TO STAY/BE STUCK IN HIS SH*T
TO NOT STEP UP AND NOT GROW TF UP
WHEN IT COMES TO ME. 

THAT'S WHY SHE WAS SPYING AND LIGHTING "FIRES."
FOR HIM TO PUT OUT. MANIPULATING. 

INSTEAD OF TELLING HER TO DEAL
WITH HER OWN SH*T. 

LIKE THE ADULT SHE COULD HAVE BEEN. 
HAD SHE JUST DEALT 
WITH HER OWN SH*T. 
LIKE AN ADULT. 

AND P*SSED OFF WHEN IT CAME TO ME. 
LIKE I HAD ZERO REASONS 
TO CONTACT HER, SPY ON HER, XYZ... 

HAD I NOT DEALT WITH MY OWN SH*T
I COULD HAVE SANK LOWER THAN THAT. 
I COULD HAVE GIVEN HER SOMETHING
TO FKN COME FOR. 

COULD HAVE INVITED HER OVER
TO HAVE HER @SS HANDED TO HER. 
FOR FLAPPING HER "MOUTH" "AT ME."
LIKE THE B*TCH THAT SHE IS. 

EVEN FOR THE FIRST TIME SHE DID IT. 
NOT SAYING ANYTHING OR DOING ANYTHING
WHEN I REALLY FKN COULD HAVE... 
WAS ME... CONTROLLING MYSELF. 
LIKE SHE COULD HAVE DONE. 

BY NOT TRYING TO COME FOR ME, AT ALL. 
BY NOT TRYING TO INTERFERE AT ALL. 

It just bugs me that it seems the only way anyone 
learns to appreciate anything about me
IS BY TAKING IT AWAY FROM THEM. 

"Where's A***'s loyalty go?"
SHE TOOK IT AWAY!

"Where did xyz go?"
SHE TOOK IT AWAY!

I don't have her to care about me anymore?
TO BE GOOD TO ME ANYMORE?
TO DO SOME THINGS FOR ME ANYMORE?
TO EVEN WANT TO BE AROUND ANYMORE?
I DON'T HAVE XYZ ANYMORE?

NOPE!
I NEVER HAD TO BE THERE.
LET ALONE LOOK FOR YOU
BECAUSE I TRUSTED YOU
AND MISSED YOU.

WHO PUT SO MUCH TIME
AND EFFORT INTO WHATEVER TF
IT TURNED OUT TO BE... 

JUST TO WASTE TIME, I GUESS. 

Just to be fkn misled and fkn @bused by someone
I fkn trusted, and fkn knew I trusted them. 

I did that to myself because I wanted to trust the guy. 
UNTIL HE SHOWED ME THE REASONS
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TRUSTED HIM. 

But... That is... Why I don't want to try anymore.
Why I have just said fk all of it. 

Between mirror smasher and Iron Heart, 
DO I WANT TO GO THERE OR EVEN TRY TO?
FOR THAT?

Not all guys are like this.
SOME CAN ACTUALLY COMMUNICATE. 
PROPERLY. 

SOME OF THEM CAN OPENLY, 
HONESTLY COMMUNICATE. 
LIKE ADULTS. 

BECAUSE THEY ARE MATURE. 
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY WANT. 
THEY DON'T FK AROUND. 

THEY KNOW WHAT THEY WOULDN'T WANT.
AND WOULDN'T TREAT ME
THE WAY THEY WOULDN'T WANT ME
TO TREAT THEM.... 

SIMPLE CONCEPT. 

THEY DON'T TURN ANY OPPORTUNITY
TO JUST FKN TALK
INTO A FIGHT OVER NOTHING. 

THEY'D LISTEN. 
THEY'D CONSIDER MY POV. 
THEY'D HAVE ENOUGH RESPECT FOR ME
TO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. 

WHAT FKN MORE COULD I WANT?
WHAT MORE THAN THAT COULD I WANT?

I saw a video and it was something like:
"When your gf only wants everything high-end"
and supposedly there's a "viral hot chocolate" in town... 
And it's fkn $16 and she asks him: "Can I get it?"
Wants him to and expects him to GET IT FOR HER
BECAUSE SHE WANTS IT.
DA FUQ?
AND HE PROBABLY GOT IT FOR HER!

AND I CAN'T HAVE A MATURE FKN CONVERSATION
THAT DOESN'T COST A GUY A CENT?

ONLY THING IT COSTS HIM IS HIS FKN PRIDE. 

AND IF YOU'RE TOO PROUD TO HAVE A MATURE
CONVERSATION, WITHOUT TURNING IT INTO A FIGHT... 

YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR PRIDE UP YOUR @SS.

TURNING SH*T THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A FIGHT
INTO A FIGHT FOR NO REASON
OTHER THAN BEING TOO PROUD
TO FKN TALK IS FKN BS. 

BS I AM NO LONGER WILLING TO DEAL WITH
BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FKN DEAL WITH IT. 
NOT AT THIS AGE. 

SHOULD ANYONE HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT FROM ME?
NO? SO WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO?

ESPECIALLY AT THIS AGE FFS!

WHEN IS TOO OLD FOR THIS SH*T?
TO ACT/BE LIKE THAT?

BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I WASTED A GOOD CHUNK
OF MY LIFE ON HOPING AND WAITING
FOR PEOPLE WHO WERE NOT FKN READY
TO BE FKN READY. 

Or at least act/be too old for that sh*t. 

I never gaf is someone was completely ready.
I'm still probably not completely ready. 

BUT THERE IS A LOT OF SH*T
THAT I AM TOO OLD FOR. 

AND IT WOULD BE COOL
IF THEY WERE TOO OLD FOR IT TOO.