Sometimes I Think About It (Part 2)

Sometimes I think about what it'd be like to be
in a relationship.

Not that I want to be in one, but I'm saying
that sometimes I think about what it'd be like. 

There are some things that I miss... 
BUT SOME THINGS I DEFINITELY DON'T MISS.
AND NEVER WILL MISS. 

I'm sure there are things others don't miss.

And then there are these videos:
"Husband sh0t dead after walking in on wife having s#x with neighbor."

And those fatal attraction videos... 

So let's switch gears and talk about some other stuff for a bit... 
I got most of it out, the things that have been bothering me lately. 

As hard as it can be for me to switch gears, as you can tell. 
Once my mind is on something, it's on it. 
Whether I like it or not. 

For the last 7 years or so I was so fkn stuck in my head, 
emotionally fkd up. 

OVER A LOT OF SH*T
BUT OVER PEOPLE TREATING ME FKN BADLY. 
JUST BECAUSE THEY COULD. 

And it just would have been cool
WHEN YOU TELL SOMEONE
YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE IT TO THE POINT
OF NO RETURN. 

IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO GO THERE, 
DON'T TAKE IT THERE. 

IT FKN BOTHERED ME SO MUCH
THAT WHEN I WAS THERE, READY, WILLING, 
TRYING, DOING WHAT I COULD ETC... 

I GET THAT SH*T. 

LIKE IT FEELS LIKE I DON'T GET BACK
WHAT I PUT INTO ANYTHING... 

AND WHEN SOMEONE WANTS ME TO COMPROMISE
THEY WERE NOT FKN WILLING TO
EVEN LISTEN OR CARE WHAT I HAD TO SAY.
OR CARE ABOUT HOW I FELT. 
OR ACT LIKE THEY CARE AT ALL. 

So should I care? 
I WAS TRYING TO GIVE 
WHAT I WANTED BACK!!!!!!!!

I was doing things for them
THAT I WANTED THEM TO DO FOR ME. 

But some people don't want to give it their ALL
because if it fails, (due to them not giving it their all)
they can feel like they didn't put anything into it, anyway. 

AND IF YOU DO GIVE IT YOUR ALL, 
AND YOU STILL GET TREATED AS THOUGH
THEY DO NOT CARE... 

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE THERE.
FOR THEM TO ACT LIKE THEY DON'T CARE!!!!!
AND NEITHER DO I!!!!

Apart from that, it took me a long time to just... 
Look at some things long and hard enough to see some things... 
I wouldn't have seen had I not looked at those things. 
Or had I refused to look at those things. 

AND SOME PEOPLE HAVE DONE TOO MUCH
AND GONE TOO FAR
TO BE ALLOWED BACK INTO MY LIFE. 

PEOPLE WHO ARE OVERCOME BY THEIR BS. 
PEOPLE WHO DON'T THINK OF ME.
WHO'LL NEVER SEE ME OR APPRECIATE ME
OR VALUE ME. 
WHO'LL NEVER TREAT ME AS THOUGH THEY DO. 
THEY NEVER DID!
SO WHY WOULD THEY START?!
WHY SHOULD I WAIT FOR THEM TO STOP
TREATING ME LIKE CRAP?
WHY SHOULD I WAIT FOR THEM TO START
TREATING ME BETTER?

TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY?
LISTENED TO? HEARD THE VERY FIRST TIME?

WOULDN'T YOU BE KINDA UPSET
WHEN ALL YOU WANTED WAS THE BARE MIN
AND YOU STILL COULDN'T JUST HAVE THAT?
WHILE YOU WERE WILLING TO
AND OFTEN WENT ABOVE AND BEYOND
TO SHOW YOU CARED... 

BUT THEY ONLY THINK ABOUT THAT, 
ABOUT WHAT THEY GOT FROM ME. 
KNOWING I'M NOT ABOUT GIVING ANYMORE
SO THEY AREN'T GOING TO BE GETTING ANYTHING.

WHY? SO THEY CAN TAKE ME FOR GRANTED SOME MORE?
SO THEY CAN DEVALUE AND DISRESPECT ME?

I'm not even angry anymore. It just bothers me.
EXPECTED TO BE FKN SOLID
TO GET THAT SH*T. 

Knowing that if I'm being 100, 
I should be getting at least 60+.

I don't expect 100 back, 
BUT 60+ IS FKN ONLY FAIR FOR 100.

IF YOU TRADE MY 100 FOR SOMEONE'S 20, 
THAT'S ON YOU. NOT ON ME. 

Should have stood firm on what I meant to them
IF I MEANT ANYTHING AT ALL... 

TREATING ME LIKE I MEAN NOTHING?
THEN P*SS OFF!
GO PLAY GAMES WITH SOMEONE ELSE. 

Like if Iron Heart missed our convos
HE WOULD HAVE STUCK AROUND TO HAVE MORE?
NOT LEFT ME WONDERING
IF I WAS EVER GOING TO GET TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN?
IF HE EVEN EVER CARED AT ALL?
GUESS NOT!

But what I am tired of is being the ONLY one who DOES!
In most aspects of my life!

In "friendships"
With "family"
With fkn anything... 

IT GETS EMOTIONALLY DRAINING. 

And all the time I spent caring about people
WHO CLEARLY NEVER GAF ABOUT ME
I COULD HAVE BEEN PUTTING INTO CARING
ABOUT SOME OTHER THINGS. 

Doing the things I could have been doing.
For myself.

Was without them, anyway, intentionally, 
so why couldn't I have USED MY TIME
FOR MYSELF?

SO NOW THEY CAN BE WITHOUT ME, 
INTENTIONALLY. 

I'd like to feel, one day, MORE IMPORTANT
TO SOMEONE
THAN THEIR BS EVER WAS. 

But, I am working on just feeling more important
than my BS ever was... 

So I can take myself seriously, support myself better, 
live better, feel better than I ever have. 

IT'S JUST HARD TO FEEL ALL OPTIMUM 
WHILE BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED CONSTANTLY. 

It p*sses me off after a while. It really does. 

Gotta figure out some stuff for this month... 
Worth more to think about than all the things that bother me. 

Just that the things that bother me, really freaking bother me!
Why? Why does it bother me as much as it does?

Why can't I just free my mind to focus on important things?
Wouldn't that be great? Not that my bio clock is ticking. 
That part of my life's... What it is. 

Some emotions to process there. 
A lot, actually, and kinda not "ready" to do it, yet. 

When I even think about facing those feelings, 
I feel a huge PIT in my stomach, and it does not feel good. 

A lot of stuff to process that I can't even write about
on here. 
It's too deep for this space. 

Stuff I can't really open up and talk about, either. 
Knowing that it's a lot... And it gives me such unease, 
thinking about it. Uncomfortable. 

But I need to be resolving it, dealing with it. 

Mostly having issues with trust... 
I've written about some of it, 
but it actually goes deeper than that. 

I'm tired, but have a hard time sleeping. 
I have to be up early. 

I stayed up late cooking rice and veggies
for the potluck thing tomorrow. 
Wish me luck lol.