Pushing Buttons

I try to laugh it off... The things people say... 

My neighbor came over and he brought a turkey. 
He was going to let me cook it, but he ended up doing it. 
It turned out good.

Anyway, when we were eating...
I fogot what started it, but he admitted to being h0rny a lot, lately.

1) Not my problem
2) Why tell me that?

Then he was saying something about his belly. 
Because he's put on a lot of weight in his belly. 

So I was saying;
"Better to have a gut in your way than boobs."

BUT AS SOON AS I SAID BOOBS:
"BUT I LIKE YOURS."

1) WHY LOOK AT MY TITS?
2) WHY SAY THAT TO ME?

I don't go around looking at my friends' junk. 
SO WHY LOOK AT MY BOOBS?

THAT SH*T BUGS ME. 

IF YOU WOULDN'T SAY SOMETHING
TO ONE OF THE OTHER LADIES, 
OR ONE OF THE GUYS... 

DON'T SAY IT TO ME!

Some guys will say that they "can't help it."
THAT'S BS!

IF YOU CAN HELP IT WHEN IT COMES
TO PEOPLE YOU WOULDN'T SAY IT TO, 
YOU CAN HELP IT!

BECAUSE IT'S A CHOICE 
WHETHER OR NOT YOU WOULD SAY IT
TO SOMEONE YOU WOULDN'T SAY IT TO.

THEREFORE, IT IS A CHOICE
TO NOT SAY IT TO ME. 

ESPECIALLY IF I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!

AND IF I ALREADY SHUT A GUY DOWN
DUE TO NOT WANTING ANYTHING WITH/FROM HIM.
NOT BEING ATTRACTED OR WHATEVER... 
SHOULD HE NOT TAKE THAT AS:
"I SHOULD STOP NOW!"?

There hasn't been any mention for a while
about dating. 

I HOPE HE NEVER BRINGS IT UP AGAIN. 

BECAUSE HOW MANY TIMES SHOULD I HAVE TO TELL HIM
THAT I AM NOT INTERESTED?

SHOULD ONLY BE ONCE. 
AND THAT SHOULD BE RESPECTED. 
AND I SHOULD BE RESPECTED... 

WHAT IF IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
What if he was me (the female)
and I was the guy (his age)?

SHOULD I BE EXPECTING HIM TO BE INTERESTED?
AND AFTER HE TELLS ME THAT HE ISN'T INTERESTED, 
SHOULD I KEEP PUSHING IT?

SHOULD I BE TELLING HIM I LIKE HIS BOOBS?
AND THAT I'M H0RNY?

I've resorted to making a face when he makes a comment like that. 
It's disgust and disappointment, 

IF I WAS TALKING ABOUT THOSE THINGS
WITH SOMEONE I WAS DATING, 
THAT WOULD BE DIFFERENT. 
BUT I'M NOT. 
WE ARE NOT DATING. 
EVEN THOUGH IT CAME UP MORE THAN ONCE. 
AND I HAVE TRIED TO SAY I'M NOT INTERESTED
MORE THAN ONCE. 

NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN TO THE GUY, 
SO I HAVEN'T BEEN HARSH OR MEAN ABOUT IT, 
BUT THE COMMENTS HE SHOULDN'T BE MAKING
AND I WOULD PREFER IT
AND I WOULD BE MORE COMFORTABLE
IF HE DIDN'T MAKE, TO ME... 
BOTHER ME SOMETIMES. 

It'd be nice to just be treated like a PERSON
WITHOUT COMMENTS LIKE THAT
OR ANYTHING WANTED FROM ME, LIKE THAT. 
WITHOUT ANYONE LOOKING AT MY BREASTS, 
OR MY @SS. 

Maybe look at OTHER THINGS ABOUT ME.
THINGS THAT DON'T HAVE TO DO WITH
MY BREASTS AND MY @SS.

Is that a lot to WANT?
TO BE LOOKED AT AS A PERSON?

Now, having said that... About my "kindness."
THE VERY MOMENT MY KINDNESS 
IS TAKEN FOR A WEAKNESS... 
I DON'T "FEEL LIKE" BEING SO KIND. 

WHEN I DO ANYTHING OUT OF KINDNESS
IT'S BECAUSE I WANTED TO.
NEVER HAD TO. 

SO IF YOU TURN THAT INTO SOMETHING, 
AND TRY TO TREAT ME ANY TYPE OF WAY
ABOUT BEING KIND... 
THEN, GO FK YOURSELF.

Why do that to someone who wanted to be kind to you?
JUST TO DO IT?

But when they SHOW YOU, 
IT'S IN YOUR FACE. 
YOU CAN'T UNSEE THAT. 

You can choose to "look the other way"
and if you are expected to, 
that's diffrent from choosing to. 

Get what I'm saying?

And choosing to be in denial
is different from being expected to be. 

I WASN'T "PROVING" MY "LOYALTY"
BY TAKING ANYONE'S CRAP. 

AND TO THINK I'D EVENTUALLY SETTLE
FOR WAY LESS THAN I DESERVE
IS A MISTAKE TO THINK. 

When he said he'd stop being a sh*t, 
I believed him. 
Why? Because I wanted to!

AND EVEN WITH THE OPPORTUNITY
TO STOP BEING A SH*T, DID HE?

"I WON'T TREAT YOU LIKE THAT ANYMORE."
SAYS HE KNOWS HOW HE WAS TREATING ME
AND THAT IT WAS A CHOICE TO DO IT. 

Anyway, it's just been... Disappointing. 

BECAUSE I KNOW PEOPLE CAN DO BETTER
TOWARDS ME
IF THEY WANTED TO!

But to act that way toward me... 
UNTIL I WALK AWAY, 
AND THEN WHEN I DO... 
THEY WANT TO "NOTICE" SOMETHING
ABOUT ME
THEY REFUSED TO BEFORE?
WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE?

Y'know how much that bugs me? A lot!

Anyway, just been really stressed out lately. 
Maybe that's why I've been really fkn tired... 

Even the last couple of days trying to catch up on sleep, 
one day I'll feel fine, but the next, I'm drained. 

Like how my old cellphone... I'd charge it, 
and it'd only stay charged for a few minutes, if that.

Just really, really, really tired. 
Emotionally... 
Psychologically... 

I'd love to just not feel tired/drained... 
So that I have the energy to get stuff done... 

I'm wondering if it's because of all the BS
from the last 7 years... 

Like how everything just added up and added up, 
and added up, to be wayyyy too much.

But it added up because I gave people
WHO WEREN'T TRYING TO GROW UP
CHANCES TO KEEP UP THEIR SH*T. 

TO EITHER KEEP IT UP
OR TO FKN DROP THAT SH*T. 

BY KEEPING IT UP, THEY DROPPED ME.
BECAUSE I DO NOT NEED THAT SH*T. 

But am I feeling like this because I was overcompensating?
The drain is real. 

I want to feel like myself again. 
I wonder if I ever will.
And if I ever do, I wonder when it'll happen.