But A Choice

What bugs me is that THE PEOPLE WHO WANT ME TO CARE
ABOUT THEM... 
AND THINK I WON'T EVER LEAVE
SEEM TO THINK IT IS OKAY
TO TREAT ME THE WAY THEY DID. 

It's that if they were self-aware, they'd know...
And maybe they knew what they were doing all along... 
Which makes it worse. 

How much can you trust someone
WHO CAN'T CONTROL THEIR IMPULSES?

What if I'd gotten back with my ex
and then he "felt like" punching me in the head, again?

When I used to drink, I wasn't the best at impulse control.

---------------------------------

Well, when you're drunk, you don't think
as clearly as you would if you weren't. 

I'd use drinking as an excuse, though. 
And I'd give myself excuses to drink. 

Anyway, it's been time for me to focus 
on some stuff for a long time... 

Like some deeper stuff. 
Been putting it off for a long time. 

One: Because of all the bs... 
Not dealing with a lot of sh*t... 
Has been... 
How do I put this?
Extremely unhelpful. 

What's been on my mind besides the stuff that's been bothering me?

Besides the songs, the video skits, the other stuff... 
Taking a break from coding,  but I need to finish the audio podcast thing soon. 

Just been taking a break from it because I was going hard at it
for a while...

There are many times I put all kinds of stuff
above and before the things I could have been doing
with my time, for myself. 

The things I've been thinking about... 

I want to turn it into something and I started to, 

It's going to be a "thing" among my other things... 
But I started to do it. Last night. 

I don't expect it to BE anything or GO anywhere. 
If I can finish it, for myself, it'd be awesome. 
Just to finish it for myself. 

------

Some stuff's been bugging me. 

Like how ANYONE ELSE can say ANYTHING. 
REGARDLESS OF IF IT IS TRUE OR NOT... 

AND IT'S BELIEVED AUTOMATICALLY!

I literally told someone that someone told me that they were assaulted.
And their reply was:
"BUT WHAT IF THEY DIDN'T DO IT?"
EXCUSE ME?

THEY TOLD ME THEY WERE ASSAULTED!
AND YOU WANT TO FKN ARGUE THAT?!

IT'D BE LIKE IF THEY, THEMSELVES, TOLD ME
THAT THEY, THEMSELVES, WERE ASSAULTED... 

WOULD I BE A "FRIEND"
TO SAY:
"WHAT IF THE PERSON WHO ASSAULTED YOU
DIDN'T ASSAULT YOU, THOUGH?"

IT WAS LIKE BEING GASLIT SECOND HAND. 

IT WASN'T JUST ASSAULT, IT WAS ABUSE!

SO SHOULD I BE LIKE:
"YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT, HE PROBABLY DIDN'T"?
FK NO.

If someone comes up to you and says:
"(This person) did xyz to me."

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY:
WHAT IF THEY DIDN'T?!

LIKE SHOULD I BE TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO HIM
THAT DOING THAT IS BS?

YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE RIGHT
ABOUT SOMETHING YOU EXPERIENCED, RIGHT?
*SARCASM*

I FEEL LIKE SOME PEOPLE
EITHER BELIEVE THEIR BS SO FKN MUCH
THAT NOTHING I SAY COULD EVER BE TRUE... 
THAT THEY CAN'T EVER BE WRONG... 
THAT I CAN'T POSSIBLY BE "SMART ENOUGH"
TO FKN KNOW ANYTHING... 

That fkn bothers tf out of me. 

Imagine if like everyone in your life
ASSUMED YOUR INTELLECT?
AND ASSUMED THEY ARE "SMARTER" THAN YOU? 

When my friend was trying to convince me to get the jab, 
HE WAS TRYING TO COMPARE THE COVID SHOT
TO A RABIES SHOT. 

AND THEN HE SAYS... IF THERE WASN'T A RABIES SHOT, 
THERE'D STILL BE RABIES!

AND BECAUSE THE RABIES SHOT WORKS, 
SO DOES THE COVID SHOT. 

Not the same thing!

Rabies isn't covid.
Covid isn't rabies.

TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS. 

BUT HE WENT THAT ROUTE TO TRY TO
TALK ME INTO GETTING THE JAB.

INSTEAD OF BEING LIKE:
"IT'S YOUR CHOICE, A***."

BUT NO! HAD TO TRY TO COMPARE
THE COVID SHOT TO A RABIES SHOT FFS!

IMAGINE GETTING TALKED DOWN TO
AND MANSPLAINED TO ALL THE FKN TIME?
ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT IS ULTIMATELY MY CHOICE?!

IF I DID THE SAME SH*T TO HIM, 
HE'D PROBABLY GET SICK OF ME DOING THAT SH*T. 
ABOUT EVERYTHING. 
ESPECIALLY WHEN I MAKE CHOICES
HE WOULDN'T CHOOSE
BECAUSE HE WANTS TO FOLLOW EVERYONE ELSE. 

If everyone was jumping off a bridge, he'd try to compare
JUMPING OFF THE BRIDGE TO SOMETHING
THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. 

JUST TO BE LIKE:
"A***, IT'S FINE! LOOK EVERYONE'S DOING IT!
IF BRIDGES EXIST THEY MUST BE MEANT FOR
JUMPING OFF OF!" 

Like earlier, I posted something from a "media channel"
that (to him) is a fake media channel.

AND PEOPLE WILL LABEL SOMETHING
THEY DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO PAY ATTENTION TO
AS "FAKE."

JUST SO THEY "DISMISS IT AS FAKE."
  
Back before I moved here, I was watching stuff about politics. 
And posting about it. 

THERE ARE FACTS ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE ACTUALLY HAPPENING!
AND HAVE ACTUALLY HAPPENED!
THAT ACTUALLY AFFECT A LOT OF PEOPLE!

BUT JUST BECAUSE IT DOESN'T AFFECT CERTAIN PEOPLE
DOESN'T MEAN IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!
GET IT?!

LIKE IT WOULD HAVE TO HAPPEN DIRECTLY TO SOME PEOPLE
FOR THEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT EVEN HAPPENS AT ALL!

AND WHENEVER I POINT SOMETHING OUT
ABOUT POLITICS, HE HAS TO "CORRECT" ME ALL THE FKN TIME. 

He doesn't fkn listen to me, ever
BECAUSE HE'S AUTOMATICALLY RIGHT ALL THE FKN TIME. 
ACCORDING TO HIM, 
AND HE JUST HAS TO FIND WHATEVER WAY HE CAN
THAT I'M "WRONG"
LIKE ABOUT THE MEDIA CHANNELS. 
LIKE ABOUT NOT WANTING THE JAB. 
ABOUT FKN ANYTHING. ALWAYS. 

Like he'll fkn argue with me about sh*t. 
JUST BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE RIGHT SO BAD
AND HAS TO "EDUCATE" ME. 
IT REALLY P*SSES ME OFF. 
BECAUSE IT'S ACTUALLY INSULTING, TO ME. 

If I "mansplained" everything to him?
Condescendingly?
"Well, you know... If it wasn't for the rabies shot...."
IF THE RABIES SHOT BEING FORCED ON EVERYONE?
INCLUDING PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE RABIES?
NO?
ARE THEY THREATENED ABOUT LOSING THEIR LIVELIHOODS
IF THEY DON'T GET A RABIES SHOT?

IF THEY DON'T GET IT, THEY CAN DIE...
IF THEY HAVE RABIES... 

BUT IF YOU GET THE COVID SHOT... 
HOW MANY PEOPLE DIED SOON AFTER GETTING IT?
WITHIN DAYS AFTER GETTING IT?
FORCED THROUGH MANDATES TO GET IT... 

EVEN BABIES! MANY!
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO TRUST WHAT?
THAT IT WAS SAFE!!!!!

Look at the times I did fkn listen to guy and it cost me!!!!!

AND LOOK HOW HE ACTED WHEN I TOLD HIM!
WHAT HAPPENED!
AS A RESULT OF TAKING HIS ADVICE!

DID HE SAY: "SORRY, ABBY! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD YOU TO DO THAT."?
BUT IT WAS MY FAULT FOR LISTENING TO HIM!

Just fkn aggravates me being mansplained to all the time. 

ESPECIALLY BY "FRIENDS."

But what really got to me was how unfair a bunch of stuff was/is. 
WHY THEY WERE DOING WHAT THEY WERE DOING. 
WHY THEY WEREN'T DOING WHAT THEY WEREN'T DOING, 
BUT EXPECTING ME TO DO WHAT THEY WERE NOT.
FOR THEM. 

AS LONG AS THEY GOT SOMETHING? RIGHT?
Until they didn't get SOMETHING THEY WANTED FROM ME... 
WHY SHOULD I GIVE TO SOMEONE
WHO CONSTANTLY DID SH*T
AND SAID SH*T... 

THEY WOULD NOT HAVE WANTED ME TO DO/SAY.

But what I find kind of funny... 
THE SH*T THEY SAY TO ME
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO "HURT" ME
ARE THINGS THAT WOULD ACTUALLY HURT THEM. 
IF I SAID THE SAME SH*T TO THEM. 

BECAUSE.... The level someone has to be at
FOR ANY OF THAT SH*T TO MATTER
ENOUGH FOR IT TO "HURT"
IS THE SAME LEVEL WHO SAYS/DOES THAT SH*T
AND THINKS LIKE THAT. 
RIGHT?

THAT LEVEL THAT THEY SEEM TO THINK
OTHERS ARE ON AND TRY TO "ATTACK" ME
FOR BEING ON THE "LEVEL" THEY THINK I'M ON?

It's projection, yeah. 
"I'm being a sh*t to you because I'm assuming you're being a sh*t to me..."

DID I HAVE A REASON TO BE A SH*T TO YOU?
DID YOU HAVE A REASON TO BE A SH*T TO ME?

OR DID YOU JUST GIVE YOURSELF A REASON?

OR... MAYBE WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DON'T WANT
TWO PEOPLE TO BE TOGETHER, 
THEY SABOTAGE IT
BY DOING THINGS LIKE LYING ETC. 

AND THE ONES THAT BELIEVE THE LIES
AND THEN TREAT SOMEONE LIKE SH*T
BASED ON LIES... 
ABOUT WHO THEY ARE ETC... 

WITHOUT LOOKING INTO ANYTHING. 
WITHOUT ASKING ANYTHING. 
WITHOUT XYZ... 

IF YOU WANTED TO KNOW IF SOMETHING IS TRUE
ABOUT SOMEONE, 
WOULDN'T YOU ASK THAT PERSON?

OR DO YOU BELIEVE THE PERSON
WHO TELLS YOU THEY ARE XYZ
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT YOU
TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM?
AND NEVER DID?

BECAUSE IF YOU DID, 
YOU'D SEE THEY WERE NEVER XYZ
LIKE YOU WERE TOLD?
LIKE THEY WANTED YOU TO THINK?
LIKE THEY WANTED YOU TO LOOK AT THEM AS?

Why would they want you to see they were LYING?
AND THAT IT WAS UNFAIR OF THEM
TO TRY TO PORTRAY THEM
LIKE XYZ TO YOU
WHEN THEY NEVER WERE XYZ?

BUT IF YOU SAW FOR YOURSELF, 
YOU'D KNOW THAT! RIGHT?!

INSTEAD OF BELIEVING WHOEVER
SAYING WHATEVER ABOUT THEM
AND TREATING THEM LIKE XYZ... 
Due to lies and manipulation... 

TO CREATE "MISTRUST" RIGHT OFF THE JUMP. 
BECAUSE IF THERE'S "MISTRUST"
WHY WOULD THERE BE ANYTHING
AS A FOUNDATION
FOR ANYTHING?

AND THEY'D JUST PUSH ME ASIDE!
(So they can win). It's gross. 
Had this sh*t done to me. More than once. 

YOU THINK IT'S EASY TO TRUST AFTER THAT?

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, 
THE SAME PEOPLE WHO DON'T TAKE
THE OPPORTUNITIES THEY HAD... 
TO HAVE ME IN THEIR LIFE... 
WHEN I PULL AWAY BECAUSE OF IT.... 
I GET TREATED LIKE I DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO?
TO FKN WALK AWAY? FROM THAT SH*T?

THOSE SAME PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT ME
WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE
OR THEY WOULD HAVE ACTED LIKE THEY DID... 

THEY ACTED LIKE THEY DIDN'T WANT ME
SO I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THERE FOR THAT?

After everything I ever did for them... 
They want to act like that, how they chose to... 

Should it make a difference that it was because of lies
they chose to believe about who I actually am
and who I've been all along... 

Maybe if they see the truth... 
And admit they had no business believing lies
AND TREATING ME ANY TYPE OF WAYS
BECAUSE SOMEONE OR MANY
DIDN'T WANT TO SEE ME HAPPY, 
WITH THEM. 

AND ADMIT THEY COULD HAVE HAD A CONVERSATION
WITH ME ABOUT ANYTHING BEING SAID ABOUT ME... 

AND MAYBE KNOWN ME WELL ENOUGH
TO HAVE SEEN THROUGH THAT SH*T, 
AND WHEN I SAW THROUGH THE SH*T, 
COULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME... 

I've had other people lie to me about someone before. 

BECAUSE THEY WANTED ME SO MAD AT THAT PERSON
TO DRIVE A WEDGE BETWEEN US. 
INTENTIONALLY. 

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT ME AROUND THEM. 

WANTED FULL CONTROL OVER ME. 

AND WOULDN'T HAVE CONTROL OVER ME
IF I HUNG OUT WITH WHOEVER THEY DIDN'T
WANT ME TO AND "TOLD" ME NOT TO. 

AND WANTED ME SO ANGRY THAT I WOULDN'T WANT TO!

THAT EITHER THEY WOULD PUSH ME AWAY, 
OR I WOULD PUSH THEM AWAY
FOR BEING A TYPE OF WAY TO ME... 

They wanted me to see them like xyz
BECAUSE IF I DID, 
THEY COULD "CONTROL" HOW I LOOKED AT THEM... 
HOW I THOUGHT ABOUT THEM, 
HOW I FELT ABOUT THEM, 
AND HOW I ACTED TOWARD THEM... 

IT WOULD AFFECT MY "CHOICES"
WHEN IT CAME TO THEM. 
EVEN THOUGH MY CHOICES SHOULD BE 
MY OWN!
NOT INFLUENCED BY PEOPLE
WHO WANT TO INFLUENCE THEM
TO HAVE CONTROL OVER ME. 

So this is why... Someone would lie and did lie about me. 

To push me out of a "competition" I didn't know
that I was a part of. 

WHEN YOU DON'T LOOK AT OTHERS
AS COMPETITION, 
AT LEAST NOT THAT KIND OF COMPETITION, 
YOU DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. 
YOU DON'T DO THAT SH*T. 
YOU JUST DON'T. 

Because there aren't any "motives" about "winning"
so you don't do sh*t to "win" something 
or anything you're not trying to "win."

You don't stake your rep as a liar
to try to "push out" someone who's been
trying to "compete" with you. 

BECAUSE YOU DON'T COMPETE!
AT LEAST LIKE THAT!
FOR THOSE REASONS!
BECAUSE THAT'S JUST NOT YOU!

But you try to tell anything to anyone about yourself... 
HOPING THEY WILL ACTUALLY SEE YOU, AS YOU... 
WHEN THEY ARE ALREADY CONVINCED
OF SOMETHING SOMEONE SAID
WHO WANTED YOU OUT OF THE WAY... 

And it's the ones who definitely wanted you out of the way... 
WHO TRY TO PRETEND THAT THEY DON'T. 
BECAUSE TO ADMIT THAT THEY DO, 
WOULD BE EXPOSING THEMSELVES
AS SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO XYZ... 

AND IS SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO XYZ
SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST?

ESPECIALLY LIE TO CREATE HOSTILITY?
TO HAVE SOMEONE TREAT YOU SO BAD
THAT YOU DON'T WANT
ANYTHING MORE TO DO WITH THEM?

EITHER IT WAS THAT I WOULD BE GONE IF:
I GOT FED UP AND WALKED AWAY... 
OR HE WAS CONVINCED ENOUGH OF WHATEVER... 
OR IF WE FOUGHT.

But WHO was really in control of how he looked at me?
DID HE HAVE TO LOOK AT ME THE WAY THEY WANTED HIM TO?
OR COULD HE HAVE DECIDED FOR HIMSELF?
WITHOUT THEIR "INFLUENCE"
BECAUSE: WAS IT REALLY THEIR CHOICE?

It was on HIM how he chose to look at me. 

On him how he looks at himself, too. 

Does he want to look at himself as someone who would xyz?
Because of people who wanted xyz?
And didn't want xyz?

WHEN IT SHOULDN'T MATTER WHAT THEY WANTED. 
WHEN IT CAME TO HIM AND I. 

ROMANTICALLY OR NOT. 

AND NO FKN CHANCE, NOW. FKN BLEW IT. 

BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE FKN THOUGHT:
THERE MUST BE A REASON WHY THEY ARE GOING
SO HARD AGAINST A***
AND WANT ME TO GO HARD AGAINST A***.

COULD IT BE THAT THEY KNEW THAT IF I DID, 
I WOULD LOSE HER FOREVER?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED ALL ALONG?

FOR A*** TO GO AWAY?
BECAUSE A*** WAS BRINGING SH*T UP
THAT THEY WERE DOING... AND WHY...?

CAN'T HAVE THAT!

AND IF I'D BEEN DOING THE SAME THING?

I can't see myself ever being that fkn desperate to try to
"have control" over the choices someone makes
and should be allowed to make, freely, 
WITHOUT ANY LIES ETC... 
SLANDER ETC... 

WHEN IT'S NOT AND NEVER BEEN UP TO ME!!!!!

AND WOULDN'T BE "FAIR"
IF I WAS THE ONE DOING IT. 

No matter how I tried to "justify" it. 

And I'm not someone who'd be jealous enough
TO DO ALL THAT BS. 

YOU FEEL YOU NEED TO?
WELL, WHEN IT COMES OUT THAT YOU DID THAT, 
HOW IS IT GOING TO LOOK?

But believing it, and treating me fkd up because of it... 
HOW DOES THAT LOOK?

DOES THAT LOOK LIKE I CAN TRUST YOU?
TO ASK ME? STRAIGHT UP?
IF ANYTHING ANYONE IS SAYING ABOUT ME IS TRUE?

And you have to factor this:
WHO EVEN KNOWS ME ENOUGH
TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME?
ANYONE?

That's how it's been in this city. 
Not sure if other places are different, 
but maybe there are these types of people all over the place... 
UNFORTUNATELY TOO IMMATURE
TO UNDERSTAND
WHY THAT SH*T IS IMMATURE. 

BUT WHEN SOMEONE IS SEEN AS SOMEONE
WHO DOES THAT... 
HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO BE SEEN AS SOMEONE 
WHO DOESN'T?

AND IF YOU ARE SOMEONE WHO DID THAT, 
HARD NOT TO BE SEEN AS SOMEONE 
WHO DOES THAT... 

AND HERE I AM, POINTING IT OUT...

See how doing that sh*t can slap you right back?
See why not doing that sh*t could be good for you?

SO THAT YOU'RE NOT SEEN AS SOMEONE
WHO DOES THAT SH*T... 

SO THAT YOU DON'T DO THAT SH*T. 

BECAUSE THE PEOPLE
WHO HAVE THAT SH*T DONE TO THEM
FKN DID NOTHING TO THEM TO DO IT, 
EXISTING AND BEING A CHOICE
WAS ALL IT EVER TOOK
FOR THEM TO DO THAT SH*T. 

BUT I AM "THE CRAZY" ONE. 

DO CRAZY PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO LIE
TO TRY TO "MAKE" SOMEONE ELSE
SEEM "CRAZY"?
SO THEY DON'T GET TREATED "FAIRLY"?

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TELL ME
THAT'S A "NORMAL" THING TO DO... 

THE "NEED" TO DO THAT SH*T SAYS:
THEY HAVE A MOTIVE FOR DOING IT!

AND IF YOU DIG DEEPER, 
YOU'LL SEE WHAT IT ACTUALLY IS. 

But if you fall for the trap by believing the lies
and playing the game etc... 

WHEN YOU COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO... 
BUT DID ANYWAY, 

YOU CAN'T BE SURPRISED 
WHEN I MAKE MY OWN CHOICES. 

The thing is that "isolating" me or whatever
would only work if that even ever mattered to me. 

I can take myself and everything away from someone
who doesn't appreciate me or anything I ever did. 
Or why I was doing it, even... 

I mean, should I not do that?
SHOULD I NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO DO IT?

Being underestimated in so many ways sucks. 
Intellectually, emotionally, mentally, 
just a lot of things.

What happens when you look at someone
AS THOUGH THEY WERE STUPID
WHEN THEY ACTUALLY AREN'T?

If I was stupid I wouldn't have been even able
TO THINK ABOUT ANY OF THIS. 

HAD HE LISTENED TO ME, 
MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, 
AND PERHAPS SAW WHAT I WAS SAYING... 
AND TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT. 
LIKE I WOULD HAVE WANTED HIM TO DO. 
LIKE AN ADULT. 
AND DEFINITELY SHOULDN'T BE
EXPECTED TO BEG HIM TO DO.

HE COULD HAVE SPOKE TO ME. 
ABOUT THAT, LIKE I WANTED TO
SPEAK TO HIM ABOUT IT. 
AND HE KNEW THAT. 

BUT NO. NEVER COULD JUST ADMIT. 
FKN ANYTHING. 

COULD HAVE JUST RESPECTED ME, 
RESPECTED THE CONNECTION, 
GONE FROM THERE. 

But here I am not WANTING ANYONE
WHO CAN'T FKN EVEN DECIDE WHAT TO BELIEVE
ABOUT ME OR NOT
WHO CAN'T FKN TALK TO ME
OR FKN RESPECT ME. 
FK THAT. 

But when they have to sit with the fact that they destroyed everything,
and it hits them in a way they never thought it would, 
HOW IS IT MY PROBLEM?

WHEN THEY REALIZED THEY TREATED ME LIKE XYZ
BECAUSE SOMEONE LIED TO THEM ABOUT ME... 
AND THEY BELIEVED IT... 

AND HAVE TO SIT WITH THAT... 

THEY CAN SIT WITH THAT, ALONE.
WITH THEIR GROUPIES AND FAKE FRIENDS. 
PEOPLE WHO WOULD LIE TO THEM TO GET/HAVE XYZ!
ABOUT ME AND WHOEVER/WHATEVER ELSE!

BECAUSE IF I WAS GIVEN THE "FAIR CHANCE"
I WOULD HAVE HAD... 
IF THEY HADN'T BELIEVED XYZ... 
ABOUT ME... 

THE PEOPLE WHO WANTED THEM TO BELIEVE XYZ... 
WOULDN'T GET THAT, I WOULD. 
BECAUSE WHAT HAD I DONE NOT TO?
ANYTHING?

SO WHY NOT TRY TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I WOULD?
WHY NOT TRY TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE XYZ?

JUST TO GET WHOEVER TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT?

You'd think ADULTS wouldn't act/be like that. 

AND YOU'D THINK THAT AS AN ADULT, 
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. 

WOULD BE NICE NOT TO, RIGHT?

BECAUSE, AS AN ADULT, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO, 
RIGHT?

And since you shouldn't have to, 
and shouldn't have had to... 

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THERE AT ALL!

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S FAIR TO YOU!
FK EVERYTHING ANYONE WANTED
FROM ME!

WHAT DID I EVER WANT?

DID THEY KNOW? PRETTY SURE I WAS CLEAR ABOUT IT. 
HAD THEY HEARD ME THE FIRST TIME. 

AND WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE WANTED, TOO. 
LIKE DECENCY, RESPECT... 

Just saying.... That if that sh*t happened to them... 
THEY WOULD FEEL A TYPE OF WAY ABOUT IT. 

And then after not making the right choices for the right reasons... 
AND GAMBLING IT ALL AWAY... 

AND WHEN THEY CAN'T BE WITH ME
BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO ACCEPT THAT, 
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT
ESPECIALLY IN MY OWN HOME... 
AT ALL, BUT ESPECIALLY NOT
WHEN I'M SHARING EVERYTHING I FKN HAVE
WITH YOU, 
OR TRYING TO... 
IF YOU HAD THE BALLS TO TALK. 
TO ACT LIKE I MATTERED. 

But I didn't have "enough" of what other people
THINK OF AS BEING OF VALUE. 
BECAUSE THEY ARE TOLD TO VALUE IT. 
TO FIT IN WITH PEOPLE WHO THINK AND ACT LIKE THAT. 

But when you find yourself around people you can't trust
WHO WERE PRETENDING IN YOUR FACE
THAT YOU COULD TRUST THEM
TO GET YOU TO BELIEVE XYZ...

At the same time, if you turn your back on me
TO GET A REACTION FROM ME, 
I AM NOT OBLIGED TO GIVE YOU
THE REACTION YOU WANTED.

Knowing this, you can still decide to do it... 
WHO AM I TO TELL YOU NOT TO?
YOUR CHOICE, CORRECT?

BUT A CHOICE YOU CAN'T UNDO.
A CHOICE THAT HAS CONSEQUENCES. 

Anyway, I need to sleep.