Looking Forward To Friday

I'm looking forward to Friday.
Why? Because Christmas will be over. 

A few days ago, I got a message from someone. 
Someone I used to talk to. 

I STOPPED TALKING TO THE GUY, 
BECAUSE I WANTED TO BRING SOMETHING UP TO HIM, 
CASUALLY. AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE MONEY... 

BUT HE TOLD ME HE WANTED ME TO PAY HIM
TO TALK TO HIM. FFS.

MAYBE HE THOUGHT I WANTED COUNSELLING FROM HIM, 
WHICH I DON'T. 

I TRIED THAT, WITH HIM. 
I WAS LATE, ONCE, BY LIKE 15 MINUTES.
I COULDN'T CALL HIM TO TELL HIM
BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A CELLPHONE AT THE TIME... 
AND HE B*TCHED AT ME ABOUT IT. 
MADE ME NOT WANT TO MEET WITH HIM
OR TALK WITH HIM. 

SO I DON'T KNOW WHY I TRIED TO, THAT TIME. 
BUT AFTER HE WANTED MONEY
JUST TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HIM, 
I DECIDED NOT TO REACH OUT TO HIM AGAIN, 
ABOUT FKN ANYTHING. 

SO HIM SENDING ME CHRISTMAS WISHES
OR WHATEVER IT WAS, I DIDN'T READ IT... 

WAS UNEXPECTED. 

LIKE HE DID IT IN CASE I HAD MONEY
TO TALK WITH HIM OR SOMETHING FFS.

IF ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS MONEY, 
WHY BOTHER TRYING TO TALK TO HIM?

Anyway, THAT BUGGED ME SO MUCH
THAT HE WANTED ME TO PAY HIM
TO FKN BRING SOMETHING UP WITH HIM... 

THAT I JUST DON'T WANT TO BOTHER WITH THE GUY.

But he was under the assumption I wanted "someone to talk to"
because I might have been going through something
FOR ALL HE KNEW
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T ASK ME WHAT IT WAS ABOUT... 

AND WANTED ME TO PAY FOR HIS "SERVICES."

WHAT BUGGED ME WAS THAT HE KNEW I HAD QUIT DRINKING. 
IT WASN'T A SECRET. 
I DID TELL HIM SOME THINGS ABOUT MY LIFE, 
BECAUSE I TRIED "COUNSELLING" WITH HIM,
BECAUSE HE OFFERED IT TO ME.
UNTIL HE B*TCHED ABOUT ME BEING LIKE 15 MINUTES LATE.
THE WAY HE SPOKE TO ME
JUST MADE ME NOT WANT TO CONTINUE. 

But what bugs me is someone seeing me "struggling"
WITH LIFE... 
AND OFFERING TO "HELP" ME
BECAUSE THEY ASSUME I NEED THEIR "HELP"
AND THEY WERE ONLY IN IT
TO TRY TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME.

IT WAS NEVER ABOUT "HELPING" ME
OR THEY JUST WOULD HAVE.
JUST TO WANT TO. Y'KNOW?

LIKE WHEN I HELP PEOPLE.
I DON'T DO IT TO GET ANYTHING
OR BECAUSE I WANT ANYTHING
FROM THEM. 
I DO IT TO HELP THEM, IF I CAN. 
THAT'S ALL. 

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THAT FOR ME!

That's why I don't want to accept "help."
BECAUSE 1) IT'S NOT REAL HELP.
2) IT'S TO TRY TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME.
3) IT'S NOT TO JUST HELP ME.

IF IT WAS TO JUST HELP ME, 
IT'D BE REAL HELP. 
ACTUAL HELP. 

NONE OF THIS "OFFERING TO HELP"
BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME. 

And when I accepted his "help,"
I THOUGHT IT WAS TO JUST HELP ME.
IT WASN'T. 

AND ANY TIME I ACTUALLY ACCEPT HELP, 
IT'S NOT TO HELP ME. 

NO MATTER HOW MUCH I HOPE OR WISH IT WAS...
BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO
ACCEPT REAL HELP.

I WOULD LOVE TO ACCEPT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE, 
REAL PEOPLE.... 
AND FEEL LIKE THEY ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME, 
BUT THEY FKN DON'T!
NEVER DID!
IT WAS ALL ABOUT THEM!

If he wanted to be someone I could TRUST, 
HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN SOMEONE
I COULD TRUST.

I REGRET TRYING COUNSELLING WITH HIM. 
I REGRET TELLING HIM ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF. 
ABOUT MY LIFE... 

Wouldn't you?! If it turned out that it wasn't
ACTUALLY ABOUT HELPING YOU?

IT WAS MORE ABOUT TAKING ADVANTAGE
OF THE FACT THAT THEY THOUGHT
I NEEDED THE HELP... 

Because where was I in my life when I newly quit drinking?
NOT AT MY HIGHEST?!

SO WHY NOT TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT?

So after the last time I tried to talk with him, 
AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK WITH ME
UNLESS I PAID HIM... 

WHY REACH OUT?
TO TRY TO ENCOURAGE ME?
IN CASE I EVER WANTED TO TRY TO TALK TO HIM?

Well, not after last time. 

BECAUSE IT WASN'T ABOUT ME
OR THE "HELP" EVERYONE THINKS I "NEED."

IT WAS AN OPPORTUNITY.
THAT THEY MISSED.
BECAUSE THEY TREATED ME LIKE THAT.

AND AFTER THAT? I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ALL...
WANTING TO TALK? OR SAY ANYTHING?
EVEN TO REPLY TO HIS MESSAGE?

IF IT WASN'T CHRISTMAS WISHES, 
WOULD I HEAR FROM HIM?
PROBABLY NOT!

BUT HE'S SO NOBLE FOR WISHING ME A MERRY CHRISTMAS. 

I barely have enough to eat and pay my bills, 
AND HE FKN KNEW THIS, TOO. 

BUT STILL WANTED TO BE PAID TO "TALK."
THAT P*SSED ME OFF. 
SO, NO, I DO NOT WANT TO "TALK" ANYMORE. 
ABOUT FKN ANYTHING. 
EVEN IF IT'D BE A GOOD OPPORTUNITY... 
BECAUSE FK HIM. 

Just wild that I had something to talk about...
AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE MONEY... 
AND HE WANTED MONEY FROM ME
FOR HIS TIME
TO JUST FKN TELL HIM ABOUT IT. FFS.

So when I saw that he wrote to me, I didn't read it. 

I wouldn't ever think so fkn highly of myself
THAT I'D ASK FOR MONEY
TO JUST HAVE A FKN CONVERSATION. 

AND I WOULDN'T ASSUME WHAT THEY WANTED
TO FKN TALK ABOUT... 

I WOULD ASSUME THAT THEY WANTED TO TALK TO ME
ABOUT SOMETHING FKD UP
AND THEY "NEEDED" MY "HELP."

DID HE ASK ME WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT?
NO, HE JUST WANTED ME TO PAY HIM TO TALK. 

SO TELL ME IF I WOULD FEEL "GOOD" ABOUT TALKING
TO SOMEONE WHO WANTED ME TO PAY THEM
JUST TO FKN TALK TO THEM ABOUT SOMETHING....
WOULD YOU?

IF YOU JUST WANTED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION?
THAT YOU COULD HAVE HAD FOR FREE?

People talk for free all the fkn time!!!!
So how would HAVING A CONVERSATION
BE ANY DIFFERENT THAN THAT?

JUST BECAUSE HE "OFFERED" ME COUNSELLING... 
AND I ACCEPTED... 
MEANT I "NEEDED" IT LIKE HE ASSUMED I DID?

Like I don't even want to open the thread to tell you
word for word what he said. 

BUT BECAUSE I HAD NO MONEY TO PAY HIM
TO TALK WITH HIM, WE DIDN'T TALK. 
BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE WANTED MONEY FROM ME, 
I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO THE GUY ANYMORE. 

BECAUSE THAT'S FKD UP. 
WHEN SOMEONE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU, 
DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT ABOUT?

AND IT WASN'T ANYTHING I NEEDED "COUNSELLING" FOR. 
BUT NICE THAT HE JUMPED TO THAT RIGHT AWAY... 

I FEEL LIKE JUST UNFRIENDING THE GUY, 
AND JUST NOT EVEN HAVING HIM ON FACEBOOK, EITHER. 
WHAT'S THE POINT?

SO HE CAN CONTACT ME AND TALK TO ME FOR FREE?
WHEN HE WANTS TO WISH ME A MERRY CHRISTMAS?
AND NOTHING ELSE?

NO APOLOGY FOR TRYING TO GET MONEY OUT OF ME....
WHEN HE KNOWS I DON'T FKN HAVE ANY... 

WHEN IT WASN'T ABOUT ANYTHING
THAT I TOLD HIM ABOUT
AND WASN'T THAT I "NEEDED" "COUNSELLING."

IF I WILLINGLY GO TO COUNSELLING, 
IT WOULD BE ON MY TERMS, 
NOT BECAUSE SOMEONE "OFFERED" TO "HELP" ME
ONLY FOR THEM TO TURN AROUND
AND WANT MONEY FROM ME.

EVEN WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH
ONE OF THE HARDEST TIMES OF MY LIFE
AND I DID NEED SOME HELP, 
IT WAS NEVER ABOUT HELPING ME!!!!!!!!!!
IT WAS ABOUT WHATEVER MONEY THEY COULD GET FROM ME!!!!!
AND SINCE THEY COULDN'T GET MONEY FROM ME
THAT I DON'T FKN HAVE, 
THEY WEREN'T WILLING TO "HELP" ME. 

SO IT WAS NEVER ABOUT ACTUALLY HELPING ME. 

So excuse me for not asking for help even when I need it. 
And when someone "offers" me help, 
when I take it, it wasn't about helping me at all. 

I FKN HATE THAT SH*T!!!!
IF YOU'RE GOING TO HELP SOMEONE, HELP THEM!!!!! FFS!
YOU MIGHT BE THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES.
ACTUALLY CARES.
AND DO IT BECAUSE YOU CARE.
NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE GREEDY & FKN SELFISH. 

MONEY SHOULDN'T BE A BARRIER
TO ACTUALLY GETTING HELP. 
REAL HELP. 
BECAUSE SOMEONE CARES... 
NOT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF EVEN WHERE THEY ASSUME SOMEONE IS... 

The thing is... With all the sh*t I've experienced in my life... 
OTHER PEOPLE WOULD MAYBE BE WAY MORE FKD UP. 

AND SO THEY ASSUME I'M FKD TO THE HILT. 
BECAUSE XYZ HAPPENED TO ME... 

WITHOUT REALIZING:
MAYBE I AM NOT ACTUALLY AS FKD
AS A LOT OF PEOPLE ASSUME THAT I AM. 

IF I WAS, IT'D BE FKN EVIDENT. 

BUT ANYTHING COULD BE THE CASE
WHEN PEOPLE KEEP SO MUCH SH*T TO THEMSELVES. 

WHEN EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO "COULD HAVE" "HELPED" ME
TREATED ME LIKE THAT... 

WHAT IS THE POINT IN TELLING THEM ANYTHING?
EASIER TO LET THEM THINK WHATEVER.

WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO PROVE IF I'M 
"MENTALLY SOUND" OR WHATEVER?
TO EVERYONE?

JUST SO THEY "KNOW" AND STOP ASSUMING?
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME?

INCLUDING WHY I MIGHT "NEED" "HELP"
THAT NEVER FKN COMES ANYWAY
BECAUSE IT'S NEVER BEEN ABOUT HELPING ME!!!!!!!
IT'S ABOUT WHAT THEY WOULD GET FROM IT.

Isn't helping someone
SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT HELPING THEM?

BECAUSE IF YOU CAN HELP THEM, JUST DO IT!

All the times I actually helped people.... 
AND THEY ARE THE FIRST TO FKN "FORGET"
THAT I WAS EVER "THERE" FOR THEM
AND TREAT ME LIKE I DON'T MATTER, 
OR COMPLETELY TURN ON ME... 

Imagine having helped people
FOR THEM TO THROW DIRT ON YOUR NAME?
TREAT YOU LIKE DIRT.... 
TREATED WORSE THAN PEOPLE
WHO LITERALLY DO NOT GAF ABOUT THEM AT ALL... 

THAT IS WHAT P*SSED ME OFF ABOUT MIRROR SMASHER.
THE WENCHES HE TREATED BETTER THAN ME
DID NOT GAF ABOUT HIM!

IF THEY GAF ABOUT HIM, 
THEY WOULD NOT HAVE XYZ!!!!!

THE FACT THEY DID XYZ SAYS WHAT?
THE FACT I WOULDN'T EVER DO XYZ SAYS WHAT?

Why would I do xyz to someone I cared about?

BUT WALKING AWAY WAS BECAUSE HE SHOWED ME
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
IN MANY WAYS
HE NEVER GAF ABOUT ME. 

WASN'T BECAUSE I NEVER CARED. 
IT WAS THAT IF SOMEONE'S GOING TO TREAT ME
WAY WORSE THAN PEOPLE DOING XYZ TO THEM, 
WHEN THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER
ESPECIALLY SINCE I WOULDN'T XYZ
AND NEVER HAVE XYZ... 
THEN I DON'T HAVE TO GAF ANYMORE
ANYMORE THAN I ALREADY HAD
AND UP UNTIL IT WASN'T
RECIPROCATED.
UNDERSTOOD.
APPRECIATED. 

Just all the assumptions about where I'm actually at... 
ABOUT WHAT I NEED AND DON'T... 
AND EVEN IF IT IS ASSUMED THAT I NEED "COUNSELLING"
WHY TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT
FOR MONEY FFS?
HOW GREEDY DOES ANYONE HAVE TO BE?

TO BE LIKE: "THERE'S SOMEONE WHO "NEEDS" HELP.
I BETTER TELL THEM I "REQUIRE" MONEY TO "HELP" THEM..."

Doesn't make me want to talk to anyone to get "help."
EVEN WHEN IT IS OFFERED. 
AND USUALLY IT'S NOT JUST OFFERED.
IT'S ON THE PERTENSE THAT IT'S BEING OFFERED.
JUST SO THEY CAN TRY TO GET IT FROM ME. 

Can't get something from me that I don't have.

Anyway, all the assumptions... Just wears me out.