If It Was Going To Change

If it was going to change, it would have. 

I mean the way people were treating me. 
IF THAT WAS GOING TO CHANGE, 
IT WOULD HAVE CHANGED. 

IF PEOPLE WANTED TO TREAT ME BETTER, 
THEY WOULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER. 

IF THEY WANTED TO TREAT ME LIKE I MATTER,
THEY WOULD HAVE TREATED ME LIKE I MATTERED.

So wanting it to change is one thing, 
BUT WAITING FOR IT TO CHANGE
WHEN IT WASN'T FKN GOING TO...
IS ANOTHER THING. 

Had I been honest about it, even to myself, 
a long time ago, 
I COULD HAVE FOREGONE A LOT OF SH*T. 
And I would have!

I'm exhausted. Physically. Emotionally. 
Not just tired. 

Trying to find some "small comforts."
Just very small comforts are still comforts. 

Especially at night. I can get through the days... 
The nights are a bit rough... But I'm managing. 

Barely, but... I am. 

------------------------------

But what it comes down to... 

I require:
Truth, Depth, and Growth. 
Maturity, Honesty, Accountability, LOYALTY...

Here's something:
When someone thinks your standards are too high, 
they feel the "pressure" of that. 

So they think they can just:
DUPLICATE A CONNECTION. 

So because of that they go to someone
WHO DOESN'T FKN REQUIRE ANYTHING.
WHO FAKES IT ALL TO HAVE IT.

And like I said.... If I'm ever even SEEN
It's in hindsight. In comparison.

WHEN THEY COMPARE ME TO PEOPLE
WHO AREN'T ME.

"Some people are only comfortable with surface-level connections."
"They want attention without responsibility."
"They want affection without consistency."
"They want closeness without accountability."

Surface-level sh*t p*sses me off.
AS MUCH AS BEING EXPECTED TO ACCEPT IT.

Why should I give you all my attention 
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE
FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS?

Why should I be affectionate
IF YOU'RE INCONSISTENT AF WITH ME?

WHY SHOULD I EVEN WANT TO BE CLOSE WITH YOU
IF YOU REFUSE TO TAKE ANY ACCOUNTABILITY
FOR HOW YOU ACT AND HOW YOU TREAT ME?

I'm giving you prime stuff here. 
How women think about relationships with guys. 
Or at least how I think about it. 

PLENTY OF GIRLS OUT THERE WHO ARE FAKE. 
THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT HAVING SOMETHING
SURFACE-LEVEL. 
IF THEY ARE USING A GUY, WHY WOULD THEY CARE?

And sometimes JUST BEING YOU
FORCES PEOPLE TO SEE SOMEONE
THEY AREN'T READY TO BECOME, THEMSELVES... 
IT MAKES THEM RUN AWAY
LIKE A SCARED LIL B*TCH. 

Because IF THEY WERE READY, 
THEY'D BE THERE FOR IT. RIGHT?

Why it wouldn't have worked out
IF YOU KEPT TRYING TO COMPROMISE
BY DIMMING YOURSELF
TO TRY TO MAKE THEM MORE COMFORTABLE... 

IS BECAUSE IT WORKING OUT
REQUIRED THEM TO GROW UP. 
NOT EVEN MORE COMPROMISING
THAN YOU WERE ALREADY COMPROMISING.

Like I don't want to dim myself
Just because SOMEONE CAN'T HANDLE ME. 

IF THEY COULD HANDLE THEMSELVES, 
WHY WOULD I HAVE ANY COMPLAINTS?
WHY WOULD WE HAVE ANY ISSUES?

THE ONLY ISSUES I HAVE ARE THINGS
I'M NOT COOL WITH. 

THINGS THAT P*SS ME OFF. 
THINGS THAT P*SS A LOT OF PEOPLE OFF, TOO.
NOT JUST ME. 

SO IF IT WOULD BOTHER THEM, TOO, 
IT'S NOT "JUST ME"
"GETTING MAD FOR NO REASON."

But when you know you did your best...
DID ALL YOU CAN DO...

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T LEARN THINGS
FOR OTHER PEOPLE... 

YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT FOR THEM... 
YOU CAN'T OPEN THEIR EYES FOR THEM... 

Then you can ACCEPT that it didn't work out. 
AND WHEN THERE ARE LOTS OF REASONS FOR THAT, 
AND THE REASONS HAVE TO DO WITH THEM, 
NOT WITH YOU, 
AND YOU WERE FORCED TO WALK AWAY... 
BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE UNLESS YOU WERE... 

Like if someone does something fkd up... 
SLAMMING THE DOOR IN THEIR OWN FACE... 
THE SLAMMING OF THAT DOOR
FORCES YOU TO JUST GO.

Otherwise, you could stay there
AND LET THEM KEEP SLAMMING THE DOOR
IN THEIR OWN FACE. 

IF THEY HAVE A HISTORY OF DOING IT, 
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT THEY KEEP DOING IT?
VS THE CHANCES THAT THEY WAKE UP ONE DAY:
"WOW! I'VE REALLY BEEN A POS TO A***!"

And what are the chances that they even look at how they
CHOSE TO TREAT ME?

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT THEY LOOK AT 
WHY THEY CHOSE TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT?

The real reasons might produce shame, if they are capable of feeling that.... 

HERE'S A QUESTION:
IF SOMEONE CAN BE EXCESSIVELY PRIDEFUL...
CAN THEY FEEL SHAME?

Another thing I wonder about pride and shame... 
DO SOME PEOPLE CONSTRUCT AN EGO
TO HAVE A FALSE SENSE OF PRIDE
TO TRY TO MASK A SENSE OF SHAME?
OR DO THEY JUST NOT FEEL SHAME?

Because if they felt shame, they'd probably feel regret. 
CAN SOMEONE FEEL SHAME WITHOUT REGRET?

How closely related are shame and regret?

I'm just wondering because if someone could feel ashamed, 
they'd probably have regrets... 

What I don't get is this:
IT SHOULD BE SO EMBARRASSING TO BE A POS
THAT NOBODY WANTS TO BE ONE. 

AND IF IT WAS, WOULD ANYONE WANT TO BE ONE?

Couldn't it be like:
"If I acted like a POS to A***, that would be embarrassing!"
"I'd be ashamed of myself, and I would regret it."
"Since I would be ashamed and regret it, I don't want to."

But it's like I get that for what?
NOT WANTING A SURFACE-LEVEL CONNECTION?
IF HE DID, HE COULD HAVE SAID THAT.
AND JUST P*SSED OFF.
WITH WHOEVER TF.

WHY WASTE SOMEONE'S TIME?

IF I'M GOING TO HAVE A CONNECTION, 
FK SURFACE-LEVEL SH*T.

I'M AT THE POINT THAT I DGAF ABOUT HAVING ONE
ANYMORE.

TOO MANY PEOPLE ARE SURFACE-LEVEL ONLY. 
JUST TIME WASTERS.
EVERYTHING WASTERS.

SOME OF THEM ARE AIR WASTERS... 
Brain wasters... 
Space wasters... 

OPPORTUNITY WASTERS.... 

That can go both ways though, opportunists 
don't waste opportunities... 
NEITHER DO USERS TO USE.
TO TRY TO GET SOMETHING THEY WANT.

Wouldn't you be tired of having your time wasted?
BEING UNDERVALUED...
UNAPPRECIATED...
ETC?
TAKEN FOR GRANTED CONSTANTLY?
TREATED LIKE THAT?

BUNCH OF IMMATURE BS?

Like, sure, I can help people. 
I've wanted to help people I've cared about... 
BUT WHEN YOU CONSTANTLY SHOW ME
THAT YOU DGAF ABOUT ME... 
WHY SHOULD I GAF ABOUT YOU?!?!

AND I PUT UP WITH THAT SH*T!
I GAVE THEM MORE CHANCES
TO SHOW ME THEY DGAF ABOUT ME!!!!!!

TO EITHER SHOW ME:
THAT THEY DO OR THEY DON'T. 

IF THEY SHOW YOU THEY DON'T, 
BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME!

JUST BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE THERE
AT ONE POINT
DOESN'T MEAN I WON'T WALK TF AWAY
IF YOU CONTINUE TO SHOW ME
THAT YOU DGAF ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is being a POS by doing something SH*TTY TO ME
SHOWING ME YOU GAF ABOUT ME?! NO?!

COULD HAVE JUST KEPT IT 100%
BY SAYING: A***, I DON'T WANT TO LEVEL UP.
I DON'T WANT TO BE WHO I COULD BE, TO YOU.

But trying to MAKE ME CHASE THEM.
FOR FAIRNESS AND DECENCY... 

But I'm at the point that even if someone who fkd up
WANTED MY TRUST BACK... 
THEY ALREADY HAD IT.
WHAT DID THEY DO WITH IT?
BROKE IT?

I get it. Probably sick of reading about the same stuff.
It's just that HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS STUFF,
IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

HOW YOU WOULD FEEL ABOUT IT, 
WOULD BE IMPORTANT TO YOU. 

AND MAKING SOME POINTS ABOUT IT, 
EVEN THOUGH I SHOULDN'T FKN HAVE TO... 
APPARENTLY I HAVE TO....

Because it seems that some people really need to be told.
PEOPLE WHO ACT LIKE THAT NEED TO BE TOLD.
NOT THAT THEY'LL LISTEN
BECAUSE PART OF THEIR THING
IS BEING SUCH A POS THAT THEY REFUSE TO...

TELLING THEM TO WAKE TF UP
AND GROW TF UP
ISN'T GOING TO WAKE THEM TF UP
OR MAKE THEM GROW TF UP.

If it worked like that:
I'D ONLY HAVE TO SAY IT ONCE!

But I'd love to just not fkn have to say it!!!!!!!

LIKE GUYS MY OWN AGE
AND EVEN OLDER THAN ME
ACTUALLY BEING MATURE?!

There are times to be mature!!!
THINGS TO BE MATURE ABOUT!!!!

MAYBE CONSIDER BEING MATURE ABOUT ME
OR FK OFF!

BECAUSE IF YOU LITERALLY DO NOT HAVE IT IN YOU
TO BE MATURE ABOUT ME
JUST FK OFF.
DO US BOTH A FAVOR. OKAY?

I'm almost 42 years old.
IN LESS THAN A MONTH... 

DO I REALLY WANT TO BE DOING THAT SH*T?
DEALING WITH THAT SH*T?
FOR EVEN A MINUTE LONGER? NO?
SO JUST FK OFF. 

You want to hear something I've noticed?

When I used to be on dating sites... 
I've seen a lot of profiles of guys with lines like:
"I don't do drama" or whatever... 

IN MY EXPERIENCE IN DATING... 
THE GUYS I'VE DATED WHO'VE SAID THAT
IN THEIR PROFILES
WERE THE BIGGEST DRAMA STARTERS 
I'VE EVER FKN MET. 

TO THE POINT IT IS GROSS. 

IF YOU'RE REALLY NOT ABOUT IT, 
YOU WON'T EVEN MENTION IT AT ALL. 

"BETTER MAKE THEM THINK
I'M NOT INTO DRAMA SO THEY'RE NOT
EXPECTING MY BS"

It's just something I've noticed. 
ANY MENTION OF DRAMA IN A DATING PROFILE
JUST FKN RED FLAG. 

I'm just not wanting to date anymore!
After all the BS?! I'd want more BS?!

I was going to say that all the surface-level BS
RUINED IT FOR ME... 

BUT IT ONLY HAS BECAUSE I LET IT.

I JUST SEVERELY DOUBT I'LL GET MARRIED
AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.
I'M ALMOST 42 YEARS OLD!

MY COUSINS HAVE ALL BEEN MARRIED 10+ YEARS... 

Maybe I don't have a lot to offer... Whatever.
BUT I HAVE VALUES AT LEAST.