I Did Try... And Why I Don't Want To

I feel like I've been getting a lot off my mind, lately. 
The last few posts, especially. 

Just to have said it but doesn't feel so great
to feel like I have to. 

Because I really shouldn't have to. 
And I really don't want to. 

But if it must be said, I'll say it. 

Sometimes I wonder if there really is a point
in saying it or not. 

IS THERE A POINT IN IT IF IT REACHES THE EARS
OF THOSE WHO NEED TO HEAR IT?

THE EYES THAT NEED TO READ IT?
THE MINDS THAT NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT?

MAYBE. 

Otherwise, I'm doing it just to do it. 
So nobody can say I didn't try?
To fkn get through to them?

Because I did... 

But was it worth it? Was it worth trying?

Because I could have, and there was a possibility
that I wasn't going to be able to. 

But that was not up to me. 
How anyone chooses to act/be. 

It got to the point that wanting to just feel nice
feels kind of gross
BECAUSE WHEN I WANTED THAT
I GOT A BUNCH OF BS INSTEAD.

IT MAKES ME ALMOST NOT WANT IT ANYMORE. 
LIKE I GET PUNISHED FOR THAT. 
IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER. 
SO WHY BOTHER ANYMORE?

TWO MALE FRIENDS TOLD ME THEY HAVE GIRLFRIENDS. 
I WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR THEM, 
BUT I KNOW I'LL SEE THEM EVEN LESS
AND I'D BE THE ODD ONE OUT IF I DID. 
A THIRD WHEEL. FKN AWKWARD. 

AND SOME GIRLS DID NOT WANT ME
AROUND "THEIR" "MAN"
AT ALL.
EVEN WHEN I HAVE NO INTEREST IN "THEIR" MAN.

LIKE I AM A "THREAT" JUST FOR BEING A FEMALE. 
NOT EVERY FEMALE WANTS TO FK "YOUR" "MAN."

Some females would rather have "their own" "man."

An actual man who doesn't string them along for other females. 
Among other things. 

WHERE THE INTEREST IS MUTUAL. 
THE SAME THINGS ARE WANTED. 
THE SAME PAGE. 
NO BS.

But I know the less and less I see my male friends
when they are dating. 

THEIR GIRLS DO NOT WANT ME AROUND
AND I DO NOT WANT TO BE AROUND THEIR GIRLS. 

BECAUSE OF HOW GIRLS CAN BE AND HAVE BEEN.
NO DESIRE FOR THAT SH*T. 

I WANT MY FRIENDS TO BE HAPPY, YES, 
BUT I WANT TO BE HAPPY, TOO. 

AND IF THAT MEANS NOT BEING "INVOLVED"
AS MUCH AS I USED TO BE
WHEN THEY HAVE A GIRL, 
THEN IT MEANS THAT. 

Ridiculous for anyone to be jealous of me
FOR NO REASON. 

BEING YOUR "MAN'S" FRIEND
DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO FK HIM. 

IT MEANS I HAVE KNOWN HIM
LONGER THAN YOU HAVE. 

LIKE IF HE AND I WANTED TO FK, 
WE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BY NOW.
IN THE 10+ YEARS I'VE KNOWN HIM. 
WE DIDN'T. 
SAYS WHAT?

SAYS HE'S NOT INTO ME, 
AND SAYS EVEN IF HE WAS
HAS HE TOLD ME HE WAS? NO?
HAS HE LISTENED TO ME LIKE HE WAS? NO?
DO WE HAVE ANY PICTURES TOGETHER
EVEN AS FRIENDS? NO?

THEN WTF ARE YOU TRIPPING ABOUT B*TCH?

THE FK WOULD I WANT ANY BS FOR THOUGH?
IF YOU WANT THAT, GO FOR IT. 

But part of me... It's not jealousy that I want to be with him. 
It's that IF I COULD HAVE SOMETHING, FOR MYSELF, 
HOW WOULD THAT BE?
WHAT WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE?
WHAT WOULD THAT FEEL LIKE?

WANTING IT FELT LIKE SH*T. 
FROM SOMEONE I DIDN'T KNOW WAS A FKN TW@T.
HAD I KNOWN HE WAS GOING TO BE LIKE THAT,
I WOULD NOT HAVE WASTED MY TIME. 

Why would I? Just to waste it?

I'm tired of either guys not taking no for an answer, 
like trying other sh*t
AFTER I SAID NO TO S#X.

WHETHER IT'S STRAIGHT UP
SHOWING ME THEIR DK...

OR SAYING SH*T TO TRY TO MANIPULATE:
"I REALIZED I NEED YOU AS MY GIRLFRIEND."

And when I say:
"I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend."
"That's too bad."
TOO BAD FOR WHO? NOT TOO BAD FOR ME.
TOO BAD FOR ANYONE
WHO CAN'T ACCEPT THAT. 

OTHERWISE, JUST ACCEPT IT AS A FACT.

BUT TRYING THAT SH*T
AFTER BEING LIKE: "I M*SS HAVING S#X.
WANT TO HAVE S#X?" DA FUQ?

IF I WANTED TO HAVE S#X.
MAYBE THERE'D BE SOME MENTION
ABOUT S#X FROM ME. 

AND I KNOW BETTER THAN TO WANT IT
FOR THE SAKE OF WANTING IT. 

NOT FKN WORTH IT, TO ME. 

I shouldn't be expected to want to fk someone
just because they want to fk. 

SHOULD BE MY CHOICE. 

WHAT IF I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO THEM?
CHANCES ARE I PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO FK. 

DO I HAVE TO BE ATTRACTED TO EVERYONE
WHO WANTS TO FK ME? NO! I DON'T. 

THEY WANT TO FK BECAUSE THEY DO. 
THEY DON'T SEEM TO CARE THAT I DON'T. 
BECAUSE IF THEY DID, 
I'D ONLY HAVE TO SAY NO ONCE. 

AND THEY'D GET THE HINT. 
THAT I REALLY AM NOT INTO THEM, LIKE THAT. 

I DON'T HAVE TO WANT TO FK EVERYONE. 

MAYBE I HAVE MORE TO OFFER THAN MY... BODY.
AND I'D RATHER SOMEONE SEE THAT. 
APPRECIATE THAT. 
FOR WHAT IT IS. 
FOR WHO I AM. 

SOMEONE BROUGHT UP THAT THEY 
HAD BEEN HOPING TO HOOK UP
AND HE MADE A THING ABOUT IT. 

"WHY IS THAT EVEN IMPORTANT?"
BECAUSE HE WAS MAKING IT IMPORTANT
WHEN IT REALLY FKN ISN'T. 

JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A P*SSY, 
DOESN'T MEAN I NEED TO OPEN MY LEGS.
DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE ANYONE WANTS ME TO. 
I HAVE TO WANT TO. 
WHEN I DON'T, I FKN DON'T. 

AND "THAT'S TOO BAD" 
AND SAYING STUPID SH*T LIKE THAT
ISN'T GOING TO GET ME TO CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT IT. 

ISN'T GOING TO MAGICALLY MAKE ME WANT TO
TAKE MY PANTIES OFF. 

SO WHAT'S THE POINT IN DOING IT?
Just to see if it would work?

Like showing me your dk. Why?
Just to see if it would work?

Like fishing... Here's the bait... 
DA FUQ EVEN IS THAT SH*T?