to realize some sh*t.
I could tell them to their face and waste my time.
AND SOMEONE ELSE CAN SAY
THE SAME THING
AND GET SOMEWHERE.
And saying something and hoping to get anywhere
is like spinning my wheels. Feels like that.
And I'd rather not spin my wheels.
On anything.
Even when it comes to getting someone
TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING
AND WHY I AM SAYING IT.
BECAUSE IF THEY DID,
THERE'D BE NO "NEED" FOR BS.
CORRECT?
WHAT "NEED" WOULD THERE BE?
IT WOULD BE UNDERSTOOD
WHY NONE IS NEEDED.
OR WANTED.
OR NECESSARY.
IMAGINE IF PEOPLE LISTENED TO ME?
TREATED ME LIKE THEY CARED ABOUT ME?
CARED ABOUT HAVING SOMETHING WITH ME?
SOMETHING MEANINGFUL?
Wouldn't that be nice?
Only having to say something once?
NOT HAVING TO FKN SAY SOMETHING
ABOUT ANYTHING?
TO BE ABLE TO TRUST SOMEONE NOT TO XYZ?
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO.
THEY WOULDN'T. EVER.
WOULDN'T CROSS THEIR MIND.
BECAUSE THEY'D CARE ENOUGH
FOR IT NOT TO.
I sometimes think about dating.
I see pics of friends with their "other"
and I think: "That would be nice. Just to have that."
BUT I THINK ABOUT ALL THE TIMES
I WAS DONE FKN DIRTY.
WITHOUT A FKN THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
INTENTIONALLY.
AND I THINK: IF I INVEST MY TIME
AND ANYTHING OF MYSELF
INTO ANYTHING NEW
WITH ANYONE
THERE IS A CHANCE
THEY MIGHT FKN XYZ...
AND THAT'D BE TIME I COULD HAVE XYZ.
INSTEAD OF TRUSTING
SOMEONE WHO DID NOT DESERVE MY TRUST.
IF THEY DID, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE XYZ.
AND THEY HAD THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT XYZ
INSTEAD OF BEING ALL ABOUT XYZ.
Had the time to think about xyz
And could have taken the time to think about xyz.
AND WHAT DID I WANT?
FOR THEM TO THINK ABOUT XYZ.
THAT'S WHY I TRIED TO TALK TO THEM
ABOUT XYZ...
BUT WHY LISTEN TO ME?
OKAY, FIND OUT THE HARD WAY.
DO I CARE IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE HARD WAY?
WOULD BE COOL IF YOU DIDN'T, BUT...
I CAN'T MAKE YOU NOT LEARN THE HARD WAY
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!
I had to learn the hard way
THAT I CANNOT MAKE ANYONE NOT LEARN THE HARD WAY
IF THAT'S WHAT THEY REALLY WANT TO DO.
Sucked learning it, but I had to.
Sucked learning it the way that I did, too.
Sucked having to let them learn the hard way, too.
I'm sorry to keep writing about it.
I'm just trying to get out the things that bother me
AND WHY.
Those who get it, get it.
Those who understand what I'm saying
also understand why I'm saying it.
Just that I had to find out the hard way
that I cannot make anyone understand me,
understand what I wanted, understand what I'm about,
or understand anything.
Wanting them to just understand, hoping that they will,
AND ACT LIKE THEY DO....
DOES NOT MEAN THEY WILL.
NOT EVEN AFTER YEARS OF WANTING
AND HOPING THEY WILL.
Years of wanting and hoping for something
I shouldn't have to want or hope for.
If you knew realizing something
COULD MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE
WOULD YOU WANT TO REALIZE IT
OR WOULD YOU REFUSE TO?
AND IF SOMEONE IS TELLING YOU SOMETHING
TO HOPEFULLY GET YOU TO REALIZE SOMETHING
AND YOU CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN TO THEM...
AND MAYBE WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY
IS BEING SAID SO YOU COULD REALIZE SOMETHING...
BUT IS IT UP TO ME IF THEY DO OR DON'T
REALIZE ANYTHING?
IF IT WAS UP TO ME, THEY WOULD!
AND IT WOULDN'T BE FKN HARD FOR ME
TO JUST HAVE A FKN CONVERSATION.
TO JUST BE RESPECTED.
ENOUGH NOT TO XYZ FFS.
JUST ENOUGH FOR THAT.
AND IT SHOULD NOT BE A CRIME
JUST TO WANT THAT.
JUST THAT.
THAT'S A START, RIGHT?
What bugs me is being treated like I'm asking
FOR WAY TOO DAMN MUCH
WHEN I'M HARDLY ASKING FOR ANYTHING.
ASKING FOR SOMETHING I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO
ASK FOR
BECAUSE IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO WANT.
AND SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT HAVE TO
BEG OR FIGHT FOR.
WOULD THEY WANT ME TO WANT THEM TO?
BEG OR FIGHT FOR BASIC RESPECT?
FOR ME TO LISTEN TO THEM?
FOR ME TO TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY?
Anyway, I know that most know what I'm saying
and have been saying the whole time.
To me, these things shouldn't be hard to understand.
And just refusing to understand these things is just...
Ignorant.
Because they really should not be HARD to understand.
If it is, then there's something else not being understood, too.
Something I realized about realizing things:
Sometimes it takes realizing some things
TO REALIZE SOME OTHER THINGS.
SOME REALIZATIONS HAVE TO COME FIRST
BEFORE SOMETHING CAN CLICK...
FOR SOME PEOPLE.
LIKE SOME PEOPLE HAVEN'T REALIZED SOMETHING
BECAUSE TO REALIZE THAT,
THEY'D HAVE TO REALIZE XYZ...
And it can take a while to SEE something.
TO KNOW IT, THEY HAVE TO SEE IT.
AND SOMETIMES THEY HAVE TO SEE IT
FOR THEMSELVES.
ALONE.
WITHOUT YOU.
BECAUSE POINTING OUT XYZ
WHEN YOU CAN'T FORCE THEM TO SEE XYZ
NO MATTER HOW YOU TRY TO TELL THEM
OR HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY TO TELL THEM...
IF THEY NEED TO SEE IT FOR THEMSELVES,
YOU GOTTA LET THEM SEE IT FOR THEMSELVES.
IF THAT TAKES STEPPING ALL THE WAY BACK,
IT TAKES STEPPING ALL THE WAY BACK.
EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
EVEN IF YOU'RE A B*TCH (OR WHATEVER)
JUST FOR DOING THAT.
FOR THEM TO SEE IT.
IF THEY EVER DO.
AND WHETHER THEY DO OR NOT,
DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU?
Even if you could have spared them
from having to see it for themselves...
IF THEY HAD LISTENED
AND WANTED TO LISTEN
WHEN YOU TOLD THEM.
BUT HAD I LISTENED
AT TIMES I COULD HAVE LISTENED,
MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO
LEARN SOME SH*T THE HARD WAY.
I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO SEE FOR MYSELF.
BUT WHAT CAN YOU SEE FOR YOURSELF
WHEN CERTAIN THINGS DIDN'T CROSS YOUR MIND
WHEN THERE WAS ENOUGH TIME FOR IT TO HAVE.
HAD YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT?
ABOUT WHAT I SAID...
But can I force anyone to listen or see anything?
If they need to see it in a harsh way,
AM I SUPPOSED TO CANDY COAT IT?
If it has to be right in their face for them to see it...
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME?
AM I SUPPOSED TO SHOVE IT IN THEIR FACE
FOR THEM TO SEE IT?
And if they refuse to open their eyes?
What use would that be?
To me or to them?
Just to try to?
In the hopes of "success" or "progress"?
Can hope, right? For fkn years!!!!
YOU'D BE WASTING YEARS OF YOUR LIFE
IF THEY DO NOT SEE A DAMN THING
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR SAY.
NO MATTER ANYTHING.
WILL THEY SEE ANYTHING IF THEY DON'T WANT TO?
IF THEY THINK THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE
WILL THEY WANT TO LOOK?
AND IF YOU TELL THEM WHERE THEY COULD LOOK,
BY GIVING THEM SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
THAT YOU JUST WISH THEY WOULD THINK ABOUT...
BECAUSE IF THEY THOUGHT ABOUT IT,
WOULD THEY REALLY LOOK AT IT?
AND MAYBE SEE WHAT YOU WERE SAYING?
AND WHY YOU SAID IT?
WOULD THEY GET IT?
WOULD EVERYTHING THEY WERE MAKING
FKN DIFFICULT FOR NO REASON
BE EASIER?
THAN EVER BEFORE?
WOULD THEY TREAT YOU PROPERLY?
THE WAY THEY TREAT OTHER PEOPLE?
PEOPLE THEY WANTED TO HAVE AND KEEP
IN THEIR LIFE?
BUT EXPECT ME TO JUST BE THERE?
AS WHAT? A BACKUP?
Like it drives me nuts.
And I wish I could just talk about it.
Why it bothers me. Y'know?
WITHOUT THAT BEING A DAMN CRIME!
BECAUSE IT SHOULDN'T BE ONE!
TO SAY HOW I FEEL ABOUT SOMETHING!
BECAUSE... LIKE WTF?
SHOULD THEY BE ALLOWED TO TELL ME
THAT THEY FEEL XYZ ABOUT XYZ?
SHOULDN'T THEY TELL ME HOW THEY FEEL?
THEN WHY SHOULDN'T I TELL THEM?
IF THEY CARED HOW I FELT,
WOULDN'T THEY WANT TO KNOW?
THEN WOULDN'T I BE ALLOWED TO TELL THEM?
TO THEIR FACE?
NOT OVER MESSENGER WHERE FEMALES
CAN READ OUR ENTIRE CONVERSATION...
AND PROVED WHAT I SAID WAS RIGHT.
But why not be foolish? About me?
About everything?
Why not?
Hope it felt good in the moment.
BECAUSE WHEN REALITY HITS,
IT WILL HIT HARD.
AND I DO NOT HAVE TO BE THERE
FOR THAT TO HAPPEN.
ME NOT BEING THERE
WILL BE PART OF IT.
THE REALIZATION I NEVER HAD TO BE.
Sometimes, realizations can be punches in the gut.
I won't be there.
I don't want to be there.
I used to care, used to want to be there... But...
WHAT ARE THE REASONS I AM NOT THERE ANYMORE?
The real reasons?
My reasons?
Here, I can explain it, tell it. As it is.
I dgaf who doesn't like it, the truth.
I dgaf who doesn't want to hear it from me.
But what they have shown me is what they have shown me.
What they chose to show me.
What they can't unshow me.
And if they didn't want me to see that,
they shouldn't have shown me that.
BUT I NEEDED TO SEE SOME THINGS FOR MYSELF.
HOW FAR SOMEONE WOULD REALLY GO.
HOW MUCH I'D ALLOW MYSELF TO TAKE
BEFORE I FINALLY JUST GAVE UP
AND LET FKTARDS HAVE THEIR BS.
IF FKTARDS ONLY KNOW BS,
WHAT DO YOU REALLY EXPECT?
IF THEY "KNOW NO BETTER"
THEN HOW CAN YOU EXPECT THEM TO BE?
BUT THEY HAVE TO WANT TO BE.
THEY HAVE TO WANT TO DO BETTER AND BE BETTER
THAN BEING A FKN TW@T.
THAN DOING XYZ.
ACTING LIKE A FKN XYZ.
IF THEY DON'T? CAN YOU "MAKE THEM"?
YOU CAN WALK AWAY AND LEAVE THEM
IN THEIR OWN MISERY, THOUGH.
LET THEM THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY MISSED OUT ON
BY ACTING LIKE A FKN XYZ.
That they could have if they didn't want to act like a fkn xyz...
And all they had to do was not act like a fkn xyz?
Literally, that's all they had to do? Just that?
But when someone's too busy acting like a fkn xyz...
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO SEE? ANYTHING?
MAYBE ONLY START SEEING IT
WHEN THEY SEE WHAT THEY ARE LEFT WITH?
But I can't waste my time around people who refuse to look at their own sh*t.
And when they treat me a type of way more than once...
And want to be a fkn xyz more than once...
What does that show you?
It shows you that is what they are choosing. Actively.
By choice and intention.
HOW SOMEONE CHOOSES TO ACT
IS A CHOICE.
WHO'S "TEAM" THEY CHOSE TO BE ON
WAS WHO'S "TEAM" THEY CHOSE TO BE ON.
WASN'T MY "TEAM." LOL.
OR WE'D HAVE MADE SOME PROGRESS.
BY NOW. I'D HOPE.
FOR THEIR OWN SAKE!
BUT WHO CARES ABOUT ANYTHING
I WANTED.
LIKE IT REALLY FEELS LIKE I SHOULDN'T EVEN
WANT ANYTHING, WITH ANYONE,
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I DO,
I GET THIS FKN SH*T.
THE ONE TIME I DIDN'T, I WAS THE PROBLEM.
I MADE THE WRONG CHOICES.
I PAID THE PRICE FOR THAT.
WHERE WOULD I BE HAD I NOT?
MARRIED?
BUT WANTING ANYTHING, I GOT A LOT OF BS.
FOR NOTHING.
FOR JUST WANTING WHAT I WANTED.
I WANTED TO NOT HAVE TO FKN FIGHT
FOR FKN ANYTHING.
WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO?
JUST TO HAVE IT?
Something worth fighting for
is something worth not having to fight for...
LIKE JUST BEING HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD.
INSTEAD OF BEING TREATED LIKE I'M SPEAKING
ANOTHER FKN LANGUAGE.
LIKE I MAY AS WELL BE.
TO MYSELF.
THEN WHY SHOULDN'T I TELL THEM?
IF THEY CARED HOW I FELT,
WOULDN'T THEY WANT TO KNOW?
THEN WOULDN'T I BE ALLOWED TO TELL THEM?
TO THEIR FACE?
NOT OVER MESSENGER WHERE FEMALES
CAN READ OUR ENTIRE CONVERSATION...
AND PROVED WHAT I SAID WAS RIGHT.
But why not be foolish? About me?
About everything?
Why not?
Hope it felt good in the moment.
BECAUSE WHEN REALITY HITS,
IT WILL HIT HARD.
AND I DO NOT HAVE TO BE THERE
FOR THAT TO HAPPEN.
ME NOT BEING THERE
WILL BE PART OF IT.
THE REALIZATION I NEVER HAD TO BE.
Sometimes, realizations can be punches in the gut.
I won't be there.
I don't want to be there.
I used to care, used to want to be there... But...
WHAT ARE THE REASONS I AM NOT THERE ANYMORE?
The real reasons?
My reasons?
Here, I can explain it, tell it. As it is.
I dgaf who doesn't like it, the truth.
I dgaf who doesn't want to hear it from me.
But what they have shown me is what they have shown me.
What they chose to show me.
What they can't unshow me.
And if they didn't want me to see that,
they shouldn't have shown me that.
BUT I NEEDED TO SEE SOME THINGS FOR MYSELF.
HOW FAR SOMEONE WOULD REALLY GO.
HOW MUCH I'D ALLOW MYSELF TO TAKE
BEFORE I FINALLY JUST GAVE UP
AND LET FKTARDS HAVE THEIR BS.
IF FKTARDS ONLY KNOW BS,
WHAT DO YOU REALLY EXPECT?
IF THEY "KNOW NO BETTER"
THEN HOW CAN YOU EXPECT THEM TO BE?
BUT THEY HAVE TO WANT TO BE.
THEY HAVE TO WANT TO DO BETTER AND BE BETTER
THAN BEING A FKN TW@T.
THAN DOING XYZ.
ACTING LIKE A FKN XYZ.
IF THEY DON'T? CAN YOU "MAKE THEM"?
YOU CAN WALK AWAY AND LEAVE THEM
IN THEIR OWN MISERY, THOUGH.
LET THEM THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY MISSED OUT ON
BY ACTING LIKE A FKN XYZ.
That they could have if they didn't want to act like a fkn xyz...
And all they had to do was not act like a fkn xyz?
Literally, that's all they had to do? Just that?
But when someone's too busy acting like a fkn xyz...
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO SEE? ANYTHING?
MAYBE ONLY START SEEING IT
WHEN THEY SEE WHAT THEY ARE LEFT WITH?
But I can't waste my time around people who refuse to look at their own sh*t.
And when they treat me a type of way more than once...
And want to be a fkn xyz more than once...
What does that show you?
It shows you that is what they are choosing. Actively.
By choice and intention.
HOW SOMEONE CHOOSES TO ACT
IS A CHOICE.
WHO'S "TEAM" THEY CHOSE TO BE ON
WAS WHO'S "TEAM" THEY CHOSE TO BE ON.
WASN'T MY "TEAM." LOL.
OR WE'D HAVE MADE SOME PROGRESS.
BY NOW. I'D HOPE.
FOR THEIR OWN SAKE!
BUT WHO CARES ABOUT ANYTHING
I WANTED.
LIKE IT REALLY FEELS LIKE I SHOULDN'T EVEN
WANT ANYTHING, WITH ANYONE,
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I DO,
I GET THIS FKN SH*T.
THE ONE TIME I DIDN'T, I WAS THE PROBLEM.
I MADE THE WRONG CHOICES.
I PAID THE PRICE FOR THAT.
WHERE WOULD I BE HAD I NOT?
MARRIED?
BUT WANTING ANYTHING, I GOT A LOT OF BS.
FOR NOTHING.
FOR JUST WANTING WHAT I WANTED.
I WANTED TO NOT HAVE TO FKN FIGHT
FOR FKN ANYTHING.
WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO?
JUST TO HAVE IT?
Something worth fighting for
is something worth not having to fight for...
LIKE JUST BEING HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD.
INSTEAD OF BEING TREATED LIKE I'M SPEAKING
ANOTHER FKN LANGUAGE.
LIKE I MAY AS WELL BE.
TO MYSELF.
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