Shouldn't Push Me Away

What bugs me is when someone resents me
FOR TAKING AS MUCH AS I WAS GOING TO TAKE.

The mistake was expecting me to keep taking
WHAT I NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAD TO. 

I've been generous. With my time, with the chances I gave... 

IF SOMEONE DIDN'T WANT ME TO WALK AWAY
THEY SHOULDN'T PUSH ME TO DO IT.

AND THEN WHEN I DO IT, 
THEY RESENT ME FOR IT?
FOR DOING WHAT THEY PUSHED ME TO DO?

THEY CAN'T EXPECT ME TO TRUST THEM, AGAIN, 
NOT TO DO WHAT THEY ALREADY DID!!!!

Now that I'm no longer an "option"....
Now they want to think about me?

NOW THAT THEY DIDN'T GET THEIR WAY?
DID I GET WHAT I WANTED? OUT OF IT?

WHEN YOU DON'T APPRECIATE SOMEONE
AND KEEP TREATING THEM LIKE CRAP, 

THEY DO NOT HAVE TO STAY OR BE IN YOUR CORNER
LIKE THEY WERE, FROM THE START. 

YOU ST@B SOMEONE IN THE BACK WITH YOUR BS, 
THEY DON'T HAVE TO TURN AROUND
TO EMBRACE YOU, KISS YOU, 
OR EVEN LOOK YOUR WAY, 
PERIOD. 

THEY DON'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU SH*T, 
OR BE ANYTHING TO YOU, 
OR DO ANYTHING. 

THEY DO NOT HAVE TO GAF. AT ALL.

You can't fkn verbally abuse someone, constantly
AND EXPECT THEM TO WANT TO BE THERE ANYMORE.

When someone trusted you not to xyz...
AND YOU DO EVERYTHING YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE
THEY DO NOT HAVE TO TRUST YOU EVER AGAIN. 

EVEN IF YOU WANT THEM TO.
TRUST YOU ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU MORE
OF WHAT YOU DIDN'T APPRECIATE.

OF WHAT YOU COULD HAVE JUST APPRECIATED.
FOR WHAT IT WAS...
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE....
SHOULD HAVE BEEN... 
COULD HAVE BEEN... 

HAD BETTER CHOICES BEEN MADE.

CAN'T MANIPULATE OR CONTROL ME.
AND IF THAT HITS HARD, LET IT.

WHY SHOULD I "CONFORM" WITH BS?
WHY SHOULD I "TAKE" ANY BS?
JUST TO "TAKE" IT?
JUST TO KEEP TAKING IT?

JUST TO MAKE IT ANY EASIER?

BY "TAKING" THE "BLAME" FOR IT?
NO. THAT'S NOT ON ME. 

IT'S ON ME FOR TRUSTING IN THE FIRST PLACE.
BECAUSE I NEVER HAD TO. 

THAT IS WHY... IF SOMEONE TRUSTS YOU, 
YOU HAVE THE CHOICE...

TO APPRECIATE THEM, OR LOSE THEM. 
THAT SIMPLE. 

THEY DON'T GET TO HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE
TO TRY TO "BREAK" ME. 

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
FOR MORE BS? NO THANKS. 

I was the one fighting for just fkn "FAIR."
BECAUSE THAT SH*T WASN'T FAIR, TO ME. 

SO I DON'T NEED TO BE GENEROUS ANYMORE. 
I DON'T NEED TO BE ANYTHING, TO ANYONE. 

EXCEPT MY FAMILY. THAT'S ALL. 

AND EVEN MY FAMILY, THEY DIDN'T WANT TO
BE THERE FOR ME. 

But if someone goes OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO WRECK SOMETHING WITH ME

THEY CANNOT EXPECT ME TO "FIX" IT FOR THEM. 
TO MAKE IT EVEN EASIER FOR THEM. 
FOR THEM TO JUST TRY TO PLAY IN MY FACE... 
THINKING I WON'T SEE THAT SH*T...

TOOK ME A WHILE TO, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO. 
BUT I WON'T CARRY THE WEIGHT OF THEIR SH*T. 

DO I HAVE THE TIME AND ENERGY TO WASTE ON THAT?
SHOULD I WASTE MY TIME AND ENERGY ON THAT?

WANTED ME TO CHASE LOL. 
NO. KEEP RUNNING. 
NOT CHASING. 
RUN RIGHT INTO WHAT YOU CHOSE LOL. 

EXPECTED A REACTION THEY DIDN'T GET.
And it isn't a "misunderstanding."

The whole time, you WARN SOMEONE
NOT TO XYZ.... 

AND THEY DON'T FKN LISTEN, 
AND NOT ONLY DO THEY NOT LISTEN, 
THEY TRY TO PROVOKE A REACTION. 

THEY TRY TO PLAY GAMES IN YOUR FACE... 

EXCUSE ME? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WANT THAT FOR?
JUST TO "HAVE" THAT?
"HAVE" WHAT? BS?!

HAD ENOUGH TIME TO "MAKE THINGS RIGHT."
BY JUST FKN ACTING RIGHT. 
THAT'S IT. NOTHING MORE. 
JUST FKN ACT RIGHT. 

ACT LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE. 
ACT LIKE YOU CARE.
ACT LIKE YOU'RE IN IT. 
ACT LIKE YOU WANT IT. 
ACT LIKE YOU APPRECIATE THE FKN CHANCE
TO HAVE IT. 

SOMETHING YOU CAN'T JUST "FIND" ANYWHERE ELSE.

BECAUSE THEY AREN'T ANYONE ELSE. 

AND IF YOU LET THEM GO, 
THEY COULD BE WITH ANYONE ELSE. 
SOMEONE ELSE. 
OR HAPPIER ALONE, EVEN. 

IF YOU'RE COLD TO SOMEONE
THEY CAN FREEZE YOU OUT. 

I've done all that I fkn could do
and I shouldn't have fkn had to... 

But when they do freeze you OUT,
BECAUSE YOU WERE BEING COLD, 
THEY DON'T HAVE TO WARM UP TO YOU AGAIN. 

THEY DO NOT FKN HAVE TO. 

WHEN SOMEONE'S BEEN MORE THAN FAIR... 
YOU CAN'T TAKE OFFENSE
FOR THEM NOT WANTING TO FKN HAVE
ANYTHING MORE TO DO WITH YOU. 

Why wouldn't that be exhausting? Tiring? Trying?

DOES IT HURT THEY DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO XYZ?
FOR ME?
FOR THE BOTH OF US?
FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING ANYTHING REAL?
SOMETHING THAT COULD HAVE LASTED?
REALLY LASTED?

I WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO JUST "GET IT."
"GET" WHAT?
GET SH@T ON?
TIME AND TIME AGAIN?

BUT NOW I'M BEING "COLD" 
FOR FREEZING THEM OUT FOR BEING COLD?

JUST FOR HOLDING BACK?
WHY SHOULDN'T I?

EVERY FKN TIME, I WASTED MY TIME. 
EXCUSE ME FOR NOT WANTING TO.

And then they take that personally?

I'm the "reason" they have no "choice" but to face their sh*t.
NO MORE "BACK AND FORTH"
NO MORE GOING BACKWARDS. 
NO MORE BS, PERIOD. 

NO TIME FOR IT. 

I have a bunch of sh*t to do today
and I feel sick. 

Started with a huge migraine... 

Woke up early, had some tea...
Wrote a bit, surfaced a bit. 

My stomach just feels gross.
Like I could puke... 

Really tired... But I have stuff to do...