If They Wanted To

What bugs me is when someone only cares about
HOW THEY FEEL
AND NOT HOW I FEEL, TOO. 

WHILE EXPECTING ME TO CARE
ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL
AND BEING UNFAIR AF TO ME.

AND WHEN I POINT OUT
THEY ARE BEING FKN UNFAIR TO ME
BY NOT FKN CONSIDERING ME, TOO, 
THEY TRY TO ACT LIKE A VICTIM
OF THEIR OWN BS. 

That bugs me for a few reasons, and I'll tell you what they are.
Ready?

1) HOW ARE YOU GOING TO EXPECT SOMETHING FROM ME
THAT YOU'RE NOT GIVING TO ME?

IF YOU EXPECT RESPECT & CONSIDERATION
FROM ME....
THEN FKN RESPECT AND CONSIDER ME, TOO!!!!
ONLY FKN FAIR!

2) HOW WOULD THEY LIKE BEING TREATED LIKE
THEY DON'T FKN MATTER?

3) SHOULD THEY MATTER TO ME IF I DON'T MATTER TO THEM?

4) THE DEPTH TO BE AWARE OF WHAT "FAIR" EVEN MEANS
NEEDS TO BE THERE. IF IT IS NOT, NO SENSE WASTING TIME.

5) IT'D BE COOL IF THEY CONSIDERED WHAT I AM SAYING.
THESE POINTS. AND THOUGHT ABOUT IT. REALLY THOUGHT.
AND CAME TO A CONCLUSION INSTEAD OF JUMPED TO IT.
BASED ON THEIR OWN NEED FOR BS. 

I DON'T NEED BS, SO IF SOME ELSE DOES, THEY CAN HAVE IT.
BUT IF THEY DON'T SEE THEIR BS AS A SLAP IN THE FACE, 
TO ME... LIKE MINE WOULD BE TO THEM, 
THERE IS NO FKN POINT, TO ME.

Does that make sense? If something I write actually makes sense, 
it's okay to tell me that it does. 

I'm trying to write it so that it DOES make sense and I'd like it to. 

So hopefully, I can stop fkn trying to explain this sh*t, at some point. 
Because I'd really love it if I never needed to. 

BECAUSE IT COULD BE THIS SIMPLE. 

THINGS THAT SHOULD MAKE SENSE, 
SHOULD JUST MAKE SENSE
WITHOUT HAVING TO BE EXPLAINED
TO TRY TO MAKE IT MAKE SENSE. 

And THAT is probably one of the things, 
right there, that bugs me the most. 

At this point, I've just been trying to explain these things
so maybe, it MIGHT make sense... 

And if people discuss these things, they might think about them, 
even more! 

But I'm not trying to "push people" into "thinking."
IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING THEY WANT TO DO. 
BECAUSE IF THEY WANTED TO THINK
LIKE REALLY THINK, THEY WOULD
AND THEY WOULD REALIZE SOME THINGS, 
THEMSELVES. 

AND MAYBE THEY WOULD LISTEN. 
AND ACTUALLY JUST BE FKN FAIR AT MIN. 

THEY WANT ME TO BE FAIR AT MIN, RIGHT?
WHY WOULD I NOT WANT THEM TO BE, TO ME?
ESPECIALLY EXPECTING IT FROM ME!

AND HOW THAT "ESCAPES" ANYONE IS FKN BEYOND ME.

It takes DEPTH to think DEEPLY about anything. 

Some people have that, some people are so shallow
THAT THEY JUST DO NOT FKN THINK. 

LIKE WAS THAT @SSH0LE WHO HURT HIS DOG
THINKING ABOUT HIS DOG?

WHAT WAS HE THINKING? TO DO THAT SH*T?!

There was something that I read... A quote... 
Probably going to "butcher" it, but... 

Something like:

When you're more interested in the thoughts 
than the thinking of the thoughts, 
that's when you become "free."

FREE FROM WHAT?
FREE FROM THINKING "THE WAY" YOU THINK. 

BECAUSE IT'S AS MUCH ABOUT THE THOUGHTS
THEMSELVES AS THE WAY WE THINK. 

Have you ever "looked at your thoughts"?

Like: "Whoa, I thought xyz just now... Where did that thought come from?"
"Why am I thinking like this?" 
"What are other ways I can think about this?"

Because if you don't ask YOURSELF...
ARE YOU GOING TO WAIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO ASK YOU?

BECAUSE WHAT IF THEY AREN'T ASKING THEMSELVES?
ARE THEY GOING TO ASK YOU?

Even ask yourself "Why haven't I been asking myself these questions?"

And the answer is probably because you haven't thought about it.

And you can't just wait for someone to ask you. 
I mean, you could, but... 

YOU CAN ASK YOURSELF!

People go to therapy to get asked questions
THEY COULD BE ASKING THEMSELVES. 
FOR ANSWERS THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET TO
BY THEMSELVES. 

SOME PEOPLE NEED THAT. 
SO MUCH THAT THEY'LL PAY FOR IT. 

BECAUSE WHY? IT GETS THEM TO THINK!

BUT IMAGINE IF THEY NEVER NEEDED TO?

IMAGINE IF THEY JUST NEEDED:
WHAT QUESTIONS SHOULD I BE ASKING MYSELF?
TO LOOK AT XYZ ANOTHER WAY?

And sadly, a lot of people don't discuss this stuff
BECAUSE WHO ARE THEY GOING TO DISCUSS IT WITH?
WITH PEOPLE WHO DO DISCUSS IT?

WITH TIK TOK AND SH*T... 
THIS STUFF COULD BE "MAINSTREAM"
AS "MAINSTREAM" AS SILLY DANCE VIDS... 

COOL! YOU CAN DANCE!
BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW TO ASK YOURSELF QUESTIONS?
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO THINK?
DO YOU THINK?
AND WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT
OTHER THAN TIK TOK AND DANCING?

The more people think, the better they get at it. 
The more questions they ask themselves, 
THE BETTER THEY GET AT IT... 

THE MORE THEY DANCED, THE BETTER THEY GOT, RIGHT?

DANCING IS LIKE THINKING. A SKILL. 

But the more they DISCUSS IT, 
THE BETTER THEY CAN GET AT THAT, TOO, RIGHT?

I'm just writing about this... I'm not expecting it to go "viral"
OR ANYTHING I EVER WRITE OR SAY
TO MAKE SENSE TO EVERYONE, ALL THE TIME... 

More so to explain why that sh*t fkn bugs me. 

AND HOW SIMPLE JUST DISCUSSING IT COULD BE. 
AND SHOULD BE. 

IT SHOULDN'T BE A HASSLE TO TALK, TO ANYONE. 
IF IT IS, WHY FKN TRY TO TALK TO THEM?
JUST TO KEEP TRYING?

JUST FOR THE HOPE THEY'LL LISTEN?
AND UNDERSTAND?

AND REALIZE THEY CAN ACTUALLY USE
THE PRACTICALITY OF WHAT YOU SAY
TO ACTUALLY LEARN AND TEACH THEMSELVES SOMETHING... 

Because we can hope for that all we want to. 
But that doesn't mean that they actually will. 

They can choose to, and you can try to explain
WHY CHOOSING TO DO THAT
MIGHT ACTUALLY BE BENEFICIAL... 

BUT UNLESS THEY LISTEN, 
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO HEAR?
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO WITH IT?
HOW HELPFUL IS THAT TO EITHER OF YOU?

Mirror smasher straight up REFUSED TO LISTEN. 

ABOUT WHAT I WAS P*SSED ABOUT
UNTIL I LOST ALL RESPECT FOR THE GUY. 

HAD HE VALUED ME, TRULY, 
WHY I WAS EVEN THERE... 

WOULD I STILL BE "IN" HIS LIFE?
WOULD I STILL BE IN HIS CORNER?

WOULD I STILL BE DOING WHAT I COULD, FOR HIM?

And when someone is there FOR YOU, AT YOUR LOWEST
WHEN NOBODY ELSE WAS
AND THEY NEVER HAD TO BE... 

VALUE THAT. 

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, YOU WILL LOSE IT. 
AND WHEN YOU DO, 
YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GET IT BACK. 

Rare people are RARE.
TREAT THEM LIKE GEMS. 

BECAUSE LITERALLY ANYONE COULD FK YOU OVER. 
THOSE WHO WOULDN'T... 
CHERISH THAT. 

If you don't.... SOMEONE ELSE WILL!

AND WHEN SOMEONE ELSE DOES, 
YOU CAN'T FEEL FKN BAD FOR YOURSELF
BECAUSE YOU HAD THE OPPORTUNITY
TO JUST FKN APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAD. 
EVEN THE OPPORTUNITY, ITSELF, TO HAVE THAT.

NOT EVERYONE GETS THAT. 

But when you think someone has more DEPTH than they do, 
that's you thinking that they do. 

WHEN THEY SHOW YOU THAT THEY DON'T, 
YOU GET TO CHOOSE. 
TO REFUSE TO SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS, 
OR TO SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS. 

Like when WE have the DEPTH and have realized some things
A LONG TIME AGO... 
IT'S EASY TO HOPE THEY REALIZED THE SAME THINGS
THAT YOU HAVE, ALREADY. 

BECAUSE, IT MAKES ENOUGH SENSE TO COME TO
THAT REALIZATION, RIGHT?

It takes some form of realization to really consider something
and it takes some consideration to really realize something. 

What it takes is realizing WHY they should consider something. 

Because when they realize WHY they should consider something, 
THEY SEE WHY THEY FKN SHOULD!

It's just infuriating and insulting, sometimes. 

TO THE POINT I WILL JUST FKN STOP TRYING
TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING LIKE THIS. 

BECAUSE IS THERE A POINT IN TRYING TO?

IN THE HOPES SOMEONE WHO "NEEDS" TO "GET IT"
THAT THEY WILL ACTUALLY "GET IT"
AND "GET ME" IN THE PROCESS?

WHEN WE WANT THE SAME THINGS, FUNDAMENTALLY?

LIKE "FAIRNESS."

LIKE IT'S ONLY "FAIR" THAT IF I LISTEN TO YOU, 
WHICH I FKN DO... 
THAT YOU LISTEN TO ME, TOO. 

OR ELSE GFY.
DON'T WASTE MY TIME.
GO WASTE YOUR OWN, ON YOUR OWN. 
AWAY FROM ME.

BECAUSE IF YOU COULDN'T SEE THAT I WAS TRYING TO
GET YOU TO REALIZE FOR YOUR OWN SAKE... 

THEN, WHY SHOULD I TRY TO "SHOW" YOU ANYTHING?
DO I HAVE TO?

OR WAS I DOING IT BECAUSE I CARE
WHETHER YOU REALIZE OR NOT. 

BECAUSE THE SOONER THAT YOU DO REALIZE XYZ... 
THE CLOSER WE COULD BE TO BEING ON THE SAME PAGE. 

AND THE MORE "FAIR" THINGS WOULD BE, FOR ME, TOO.

NOT JUST ME BEING EXPECTED NOT TO XYZ... 

AND JUST BECAUSE YOU EXPECT SOMEONE TO, 
OR NOT TO....

DOESN'T MEAN THEY WILL OR WON'T. 

Like I expected my BOYFRIEND... 
TO RESPECT ME ENOUGH
NEVER TO HIT ME, EVER. 

AND TO REALIZE THAT I WOULDN'T DO
THAT BS TO HIM. 

AND IF HE HAD REALIZED THAT, 
MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE VALUED ME. 
ENOUGH TO RESPECT ME
NEVER TO HIT ME, EVER.

LET ALONE GRAB ME BY MY WRISTS.

JUST FOR BEING UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING
HE COULD HAVE REALIZED WHY I MIGHT BE UPSET 
ABOUT IT.

AND TREATING MY FEELINGS WITH RESPECT. 

IF HE WAS UPSET ABOUT ME DOING WHAT HE WAS DOING, 
MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD, COMPLETELY. 
RIGHT?

But he expected me to just let him not do his job, at work. 
WHILE WE WERE BOTH EXPECTED TO BE DOING IT
BECAUSE WE WERE GETTING PAID FOR WHAT?
TO DO IT!!!!

And not to be upset about being disregarded and disrespected
for being upset about that. 

AND EXPECTED TO BE MATURE ENOUGH NOT TO HIT HIM
BUT IT WAS SOMEHOW OKAY TO DO IT TO ME. 

Just respecting that I would be upset about it. And why. 

LIKE I WOULD BE EXPECTED TO RESPECT THAT.

AND HAD HE RESPECTED ME, HE'D HAVE RESPECTED THAT.
AT MIN. 

SAME WITH MIRROR SMASHER. 

SAME WITH PRETTY MUCH EVERY GUY
I EVER DATED. PERIOD. 

Can you understand why I might be tired? Of trying?
TO EXPLAIN THESE THINGS?
TO GROWN MEN WHO COULD LISTEN LONG ENOUGH
TO DISCUSS THESE THINGS?

AND MAYBE THINK ABOUT THEM?

BUT WHY THINK ABOUT ANYTHING I SAY? RIGHT?
WTF WOULD I KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING?
I'M JUST SUPPOSEDLY A B*TCH
FOR FEELING FKN ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING. 
ESPECIALLY SH*T THAT'S NOT FAIR...
BUT FK ME FOR WANTING THINGS TO BE FAIR... 
LIKE NOT GETTING PUNCHED IN THE HEAD
OR VERBALLY ABUSED, OR INSULTED, OR XYZ...
BY SOMEONE WHO SHOULDN'T WANT TO? EVER?

IF SOMEONE ELSE SAID IT, WOULD THEY THINK ABOUT IT?

And pretty much all I wanted, actually wanted, was ACKNOWLEDGMENT. 
BECAUSE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
ENSURES THAT THEY REALIZED THAT. 

AND NOT TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED, YET AGAIN?
NOT TO BE NEGATED LIKE NOTHING I FEEL MATTERS?
THE REASONS I FEEL WHAT I FEEL
ARE THE REASONS YOU WOULD FEEL
WHAT YOU WOULD FEEL
IF I WAS ABOUT THAT BS.

IS THAT FAIR TO SAY? PRETTY SURE IT IS. 

And I would LOVE to ONLY ever have to say that ONCE.

I'd love it even more IF I NEVER HAD TO, PERIOD.

BECAUSE HAVING REALIZED THAT... 
IT'D BE COOL AF IF OTHERS DID, TOO. 
OKAY?

COOL AF!!!!!!!! 
WITHOUT HAVING TO SAY ANYTHING TO THEM!!!!!
THEY JUST ACT LIKE THEY REALIZED
ALL THE SAME THINGS YOU REALIZED... 

WOULDN'T THAT BE AMAZING?!

Honestly, I would rather see how someone actually is
than only seeing what they want me to think they are. 

Does that make sense?

Because why would they WANT me to think something. 
There are only two reasons:

1) FOR MY SAKE
2) FOR THEIR OWN SAKE

So you have to ask yourself that. 

Do they want me to think this for my sake or their own?

AND IF IT IS FOR YOUR SAKE
YOU'LL KNOW WHO THEY REALLY ARE. 

BECAUSE WHY DO THINGS ONLY FOR YOUR OWN SAKE?

BUT YOU CANNOT FOR ANYONE TO REALIZE IT. 

YOU CAN TRY TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT, 
BUT IF THEY DON'T EVEN REALIZE THAT A CONVERSATION
IS MORE PRODUCTIVE THAN AN ARGUMENT, 
ESPECIALLY AN IMATURE AF LOAD OF BS... 

THEN TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION DOES WHAT?

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I TRIED TO TALK
TO MIRROR SMASHER?

ABOUT HOW I FELT ABOUT HIS BS?

JUST AS MANY TIMES AS HE REFUSED TO LISTEN!

THAT'S HOW MANY TIMES. 

AS MANY TIMES AS IT TOOK FOR ME TO SAY "FK THIS."
"I'M OUT." 
"GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR BS. KEEP IT TF AWAY FROM ME."

And it TOOK TOO MANY TIMES FOR IT TO TAKE THAT.
LIKE... I TOOK SO MUCH SH*T... 
SH*T I WOULD NEVER TAKE FROM ANYONE ELSE. 
BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT BS IS. 

But it's up to ME not to refuse to see it, either. 
It's up to ME to just fkn leave bs at the level that it is
FOR MY OWN SAKE. 

AND THAT'S OKAY AND SHOULD BE OKAY
FOR MY OWN SAKE. 

BECAUSE FK THEM IF THEY "THINK" THEY "HAVE TO"
BE A FKN SH*T. 

AND THEY ARE BEING A SH*T FOR THEIR SAKE, 
NOT MINE. 

THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE. 

Was mirror smasher smashing my great-grandmother's antique mirror
WITH MY BASEBALL BAT
DOING THAT FOR MY SAKE OR HIS?

THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE. 

AND I WAS TRYING TO WHAT?
TALK TO HIM?

TRYING TO BRING THESE THINGS UP?
LIKE HIS REFUSAL TO JUST LISTEN?
REFUSAL TO ACKNOWLEDGE ME?
OR ANYTHING I SAID?
OR DID?

OR WHY I WAS THERE?

BUT BELIEVING LIES
FROM PEOPLE WHO WANTED HIM TO THINK
WHATEVER FOR THEIR SAKE, NOT MINE, 

THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE. 

But trying to get him to realize that... 
Was supposed to be for BOTH OUR SAKES. 

BECAUSE THAT COULD HAVE WHAT?
"MADE" HIM REALIZE SOMETHING?
"COINCIDENTALLY"?

Just... Would be easier if I could... 
Do something along the lines of
"make" them "get it"
but it doesn't work like that. 

When I try to just get them to get it, 
THEY REFUSE TO 
AND ACT LIKE THAT, TO ME. 

And then I get turned off by it
And they get mad that I get turned off by it.

Am I supposed to find it s#xy? 
It doesn't turn me on. 

Am I supposed to get if something
doesn't turn them on?

Because that's useless. 

Like "I'm going to get so mad
that it doesn't turn them on
that they get turned on"?

Why would that sh*t turn them on?

And maybe that'd turn me off
TRYING TO GET ME MAD ON PURPOSE
BECAUSE IT TURNS THEM ON. 

DA FUQ IS THAT SH*T?

AM I SUPPOSED TO GET TURNED ON
BY SOMEONE GETTING ANGRY?

ESPECIALLY FOR NOT FKN REASON?

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE OR GIVE THAT REASON?

AND EVEN IF THEY WERE, 
THEY DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO MANIPULATE ME
IN ANY WAY. 

THEY COULD JUST HAVE ENOUGH RESPECT TO SAY
"THIS IS WHY I'M ANGRY."

AND THEN TALK ABOUT IT.
INSTEAD OF ACTING OUT. 

LIKE I SHOULD HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY:
"THIS IS WHY I AM UPSET"
AND GET TO FKN TALK ABOUT IT. 
AND ACTUALLY BE HEARD.
UNDERSTOOD. 

AND NOT TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD
BY GETTING MAD
THAT SOMETHING'S TURNING ME OFF
OR UPSETTING, TO ME. 

ACKNOWLEDGE IT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
JUST THAT. 

AND IF THAT IS TOO MUCH TO ASK, 
THEN MAYBE I SHOULD ASK SOMEONE ELSE.

Failure to actually understand those things... 
DOESN'T MEAN I'M CALLING ANYONE
A FAILURE AS A PERSON. 

IT MEANS THEY CAN JUST DO BETTER
IF THEY WANTED TO.