Pattern & Delivery

Reminders help. Because being stuck in a rut
of thinking about the same things over and over again, 
and an emotional rut of feeling the same things
over and over again... 

Yes, it's hard to break out of it. 
That's why... Some things... I have to remind myself about. 

Reminding myself that it's okay to be getting ready
TO BE READY. 

It's okay to just BE here, now. 

I still have to "initiate" these by reminding myself
TO JUST THINK ABOUT IT. JUST THAT. 

TO BREAK OUT OF THINKING ABOUT
THE BS I'VE BEEN THROUGH
AND HOW THAT AFFECTED ME... 

BUT JUST BECAUSE IT DID AFFECT ME
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I CAN'T SURPASS IT.

DESPITE THE fact that IT AFFECTED ME. 

Despite many facts. 

Because the facts are just that. They are just facts. 

And that's how I got over a lot of sh*t. 

LOOKING AT FACTS AS FACTS. 
AND SURPASSING THE EFFECTS
BY REMINDING MYSELF THAT I DON'T NEED TO BE
STUCK LIKE THAT. 

THERE'S NOTHING SAYING, ANYWHERE, 
THAT I NEED TO BE STUCK LIKE THAT. 

Because sometimes we're focused on
WHAT DO I DO ABOUT XYZ... 

WHEN WE'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT
SOME OTHER STUFF THAT CAN ACTUALLY HELP

AND THE REASON WHY WE DON'T, MOSTLY
IS THE PATTERN WE'VE BEEN IN
AND GOT USED TO.

THAT WE DON'T NEED, EITHER.

In my 20s, I was stuck in the mentality
that I needed to be in a healthy relationship
just to be fkn happy. Even with myself. 

A lot of people I knew, at the time, got married... 

My cousins were all getting married... 

And I was likely feeling sorry for myself
and feeling as "alone" and misunderstood as always... 

It's not hard to see where my mind was at,
through the posts at that time...

AND DRINKING MY "MISERY" "AWAY"
WAS NOT FKN HELPING ME OR ANYONE AROUND ME.

And not only was it not helping, it wasn't helping me to SEE, 
KNOW, AND UNDERSTAND WHY IT WASN'T HELPING. 

How is anyone supposed to know and understand something,
if they can't see it?

OR IF THEY REFUSE TO SEE IT.

LOTS OF PEOPLE REFUSED TO SEE MY WORTH.
AND DIDN'T WANT ME TO SEE IT. 

IF THEY SAW THEIR OWN WORTH, 
IT'D BE NOTHING TO JUST ALLOW ME TO SEE MY OWN. 

Y'KNOW?

BECAUSE THEY'D BE BETTER THAN
NOT WANTING ME TO. 

I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE THEIRS, BUT I WANT THEM
TO FKN ACT LIKE THEY DO, 
BUT ALSO SEE MINE, TOO. 

AND ACT LIKE THEY DO.

One question that got to me:
"Do I really need to "try to control" how people act?"

If how they act is on them, something they are supposed to be
responsible for, is it on me?

If it's not on me, why try to "control" that?

And here I was thinking that:
IF YOU DEMONSTRATE SELF-CONTROL
BY NOT DOING XYZ TO THEM
THEY'LL SEE YOUR WORTH
BECAUSE YOU'LL SHOW THEM
YOU DON'T XYZ 
BY NOT DOING XYZ TO THEM... 

AND THEY'LL NOT DO XYZ TO ME... 

DOESN'T FKN WORK LIKE THAT.

ALL THE SELF-CONTROL YOU COULD EVER
DEMONSTRATE BY NOT DOING XYZ TO THEM.... 

DOESN'T GUARANTEE THEY'LL TAKE THE HINT
AND FOLLOW YOUR LEAD.

OR EVEN APPRECIATE THAT YOU DIDN'T XYZ TO THEM... 
OR EVEN APPRECIATE THAT YOU WOULDN'T DO XYZ TO THEM.... 

Like NOT punching my ex in the head
AFTER HE PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD
won't guarantee he'll ever appreciate that I DIDN'T.
AND CHOSE NOT TO.

WHICH I WOULD HAVE APPRECIATED. 

I WOULD HAVE APPRECIATED
BEING TREATED LIKE HE WOULD
NEVER FKN DO THAT TO ME.

I TRUSTED HIM NOT TO.

HE TRUSTED ME NOT TO. CORRECT?

AFTER ALL THE BS I TRUSTED PEOPLE
NOT TO FKN DO.... 

AND THEY FKN WENT AND DID IT ANYWAY... 

AFTER ALL OF IT... DO I FEEL LIKE TRUSTING, AGAIN?
DO I FEEL LIKE BEING SORELY DISAPPOINTED, AGAIN?

The thing about being disappointed is that you know how that feels. 

AND KNOWING THAT THEY DID THAT SH*T
INTENTIONALLY?

IT WASN'T BY ACCIDENT. IT WAS A CHOICE!

AND I'M USING THE WORD DISAPPOINTMENT
LOOSELY. 

BECAUSE IT'S MORE THAN JUST DISAPPOINTING. 

AND WHEN YOU LOWERED YOUR STANDARDS, TOO?
AND YOU STILL GET DISAPPOINTED?

BUT ARE WE GUARANTEED EVERYTHING WILL GO SMOOTHLY
ALL OF THE FKN TIME JUST BECAUSE IT WOULD BE NICE
IF IT JUST DID? NO!

So we can't "expect" that it will... 

BUT IT COULD HAVE GONE BETTER
HAD 1 OR BOTH PEOPLE MADE BETTER CHOICES. 

YOU DO ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU NEVER HAD TO DO, 
BUT CHOSE TO DO
AND DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO DO... 

BECAUSE YOU COULD HAVE JUST CHOSEN NOT TO... 

THEN, YOU CAN'T EXPECT THE RESULTS YOU WANTED... 

AND REALLY, WHAT RESULTS CAN WE EXPECT?

THE ONLY RESULTS WE CAN EXPECT ARE FACTS. 

WHAT WE DO WITH THOSE FACTS DETERMINES
THE IMPACT OF THE FACTS. 

As an example... Because one of the most messed up things... 

What was I supposed to do with the fact that my father k*lled himself?
I was only 12! 

Yeah, it affected me. It's messed up! 

I was angry! I turned to drinking!
To try to "numb" myself to the effects of that... 

But that wasn't working. 

When I looked at it as a fact, it was easier to accept
AS A FACT.

AND THAT HELPED TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT TO DO WITH THAT. 

AND IT TOOK YEARS. YEARS.

PART OF WHY IT TOOK A REALLY LONG TIME
WAS I PUT MYSELF TO THE SIDE
IN MY "QUEST" FOR "LOVE"
BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT I NEEDED!

JUST TO FEEL "GOOD" ABOUT MYSELF. 

BECAUSE I ONLY FELT "GOOD" IF I WAS WANTED. 
BUT MOST OF THE TIME
ONLY SELFISH PEOPLE WANTED ME
FOR SELFISH FKN REASONS
AND TREATED ME LIKE CRAP
BECAUSE THEY NEVER GAF
ABOUT ANYTHING I WANTED
AND I WANTED VERY FKN LITTLE. 

I'M USED TO HAVING VERY LITTLE
AND GETTING VERY LITTLE

SO WHY TF WOULD I WANT THE MOON
AND THE STARS AND THE SUN ETC?

I'M NOT EXPECTING ANYONE TO BE PERFECT FFS.

BUT IF I'M NOT WORTH IT, THEN FK OFF. 
CAN'T I AT LEAST WANT THAT?!
IS EVEN THAT TOO MUCH?

And not "worth it" I mean worth just seeing my worth.
That's it. 

Worth seeing my worth. That's all. 

What I want, in my heart, from the heart... 
Isn't all that fkn complicated!

It shouldn't take years to "figure that out."
BECAUSE HAD YOU BEEN LISTENING, 
REALLY FKN LISTENING, 
YOU'D ALREADY KNOW!

BESIDES THAT, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO
AND ALLOWED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT,
AND IF I'M NOT... WTF?!

TALKING ABOUT THOSE THINGS... 
SHOULD NEVER BE A "FIGHT"
ABOUT FKN ANYTHING. 

IT SHOULD BE:
THIS IS WHAT I WANT, 
IF YOU DON'T, FK OFF.

IS THAT FAIR? JUST THAT.
SIMPLY PUT. JUST THAT.

AND IF THEY CAN'T JUST BE LIKE:
YES, THAT'S WHAT I WANT, TOO...
AND I'M GOING TO ACT LIKE I WANT THAT, TOO... 

OR, NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT... 

AND IF THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY WANT, TOO, 
THEY CAN JUST FK OFF. 

WITHOUT ANY FURTHER BS. JUST THAT.

Anyway, that's why I'm alright, now. 
Why I'm better than I was, now. 

Why I can surpass that sh*t, now. 

Being in a relationship, especially with anyone
WHO WOULD DO ANY BS
I TRUSTED THEM NOT TO FKN DO... 
WOULD ONLY HOLD ME BACK.

SO WHY HOLD MYSELF BACK?