Here We Are, In November

We made it to November. 

Can't stand the cold. It drives me nuts. 

Even a mild cold. It's my instinct to almost hold my breath... 
Makes my lungs hurt. 

And getting sore throats around this time of year... 

My neighbor was up here, yesterday. He had beer. 
I wasn't drinking with him. 

I've heard guys say: "I wish you drank so we could drink together..."

That's manipulation to get me to think or feel a certain way
about drinking and trying to get me to do something they want me to.

I don't have to fkn drink just because someone wants to see me drunk
or to try to manipulate me while I'm drunk... 

I just don't fkn have to and it's my choice.

So the only real reason to fkn say it
IS TO TRY TO "CONVINCE ME" OR "PERSUADE ME"
TO DRINK AFTER I QUIT. 

HE KNOWS I QUIT. 

But he's not the only one who's said it...

Anyway, he was drinking yesterday.

And he says... 
"You know what? I've come to the realization
that I NEED you as my girlfriend."

WAS I SUPPOSED TO JUMP RIGHT ON THAT?

"I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYONE'S GIRLFRIEND."

"WELL THAT'S TOO BAD."

TOO BAD FOR WHO? ME? OR YOU?

THAT'S TOO BAD!!!! LIKE HE WANTED ME TO THINK
I WAS GOING TO BE MISSING OUT!!!!

DA FUQ?!

THE ONLY THING I'M MISSING OUT ON IS:
"I'M A JEALOUS MAN. WHAT'S MINE IS MINE"
AND OTHER THINGS HE'S SAID
OUT OF HIS OWN MOUTH.

AND TO TRY THAT SH*T
AFTER THE OTHER SH*T HE'S TRIED?

COULDN'T HE HAVE JUST FKN DROPPED IT?

I LITERALLY TURNED HIM DOWN FOR S#X.

"I MISS HAVING S#X. WANT TO HAVE S#X?"
"NO."

AFTER THAT... STOP FKN TRYING!

Why would I want the fkn awkweirdness?

Maybe what I want is for him to just not be awkweird, to me.

It's directed at me. It bugs me. Because I don't like it.

Imagine if I'd said that to my "crush"?
"I've come to the realization that I need you as my boyfriend."

Need him for what? To help me carry groceries?
To help me fold my clothes? 
To help me do all the things I do for myself?

DA FUQ?!

NO. 

SURE, SOME HELP WOULD BE NICE.

BUT I DON'T WANT A MAN OUT OF A NEED FOR ONE.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH BS THAT I DON'T WANT
TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP
ESPECIALLY WITH ANYONE WHO PUTS THEIR NEEDS
ABOVE MINE, ALWAYS.

MAYBE WHAT I NEED IS NOT TO BE SOMEONE'S GIRLFRIEND.
MAYBE I NEED MY AUTONOMY.
CONTROL OVER MYSELF AND MY CHOICES.

Not to be "guilt tripped" with stupid phrases:
"That's too bad."

Maybe that's too bad for you, not me. 

BEING SINGLE IS HAVING MY AUTONOMY. 
WHICH MATTERS TO ME. 

AND THINGS THAT MATTER TO ME
SHOULD BE SEEN FOR WHY THEY MATTER TO ME. 

TO GET WHO I AM, AT MY CORE.

IF I WAS HIS GIRLFRIEND, IT WOULD BE:
"WHAT'S MINE IS MINE..." REGARDING ME.

I'M NOT A PIECE OF FKN PROPERTY.
SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE
TREATED LIKE THAT? I DON'T!

AND I'D WANT SOMEONE TO FKN UNDERSTAND
REALLY FKN UNDERSTAND
HOW I WANT TO BE TREATED
AND HOW I FKN DON'T
BEFORE I'D EVER EVEN THINK ABOUT
DATING THEM.

Someone posted something today:
"The longer you've been single, the harder it is to date anyone..."

BECAUSE I GAVE UP BEING MY OWN FKN PERSON
TO BE SOMEONE'S GIRLFRIEND. 

AND THEY ONLY SAW ME AS THEIR "GIRLFRIEND"
NOT AS A PERSON WHO ACTUALLY
WANTED TO JUST BE FKN TREATED
FKN BETTER!!!!!!!!!

AND HAD THEY WANTED TO, 
THEY FKN WOULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER!!!!

AND THEN THEY WANTED TO BE MAD AT ME
THAT THEY FKN DIDN'T!!!!
AND FKN CHOSE NOT TO!!!!

AND THAT I BOUNCED BECAUSE OF IT.
BECAUSE WHY SHOULD I STAY
FOR MORE OF IT?

SO THINGS CAN GET WORSE BEFORE GETTING
ANY "BETTER"?

WHEN THEY COULD HAVE JUST CHOSEN:
"A*** MEANS MORE TO ME THAN THIS BS...
IF I CHOOSE THIS BS OVER HER
I'M GOING TO LOSE HER FOREVER."

BUT THEY MISTAKENLY THOUGHT
I'D STAY FOR MORE OF IT... 
OF WHAT THEY ALREADY SHOWN ME.... 

THAT I WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE... 
BECAUSE THEY MISTAKENLY THOUGHT
THEY WERE GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN OR SOMETHING... 

That "demeanor" or whatever you want to call it.... 
IT TURNS ME OFF. IT DOES.

There's a huge difference in confidence and having an ego. 

If you're so insecure that you have to create an alter ego
OR PUT ON A MASK TO PUT ON A SHOW
FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE ONLY IN
THEIR OWN CORNERS... 

THAT'S SOMETHING TO WORK OUT FOR YOURSELF. 
THAT'S THE KIND OF SH*T
THAT WILL FKN RUIN YOUR CHANCE WITH SOMEONE
WHO ACTUALLY WANTED SOMETHING REAL AND HEALTHY.
HONEST AND SINCERE. 

AND CHANCES IF YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH
TO GET MORE THAN ONE... 

That is what you call 
SLAMMING THE DOOR IN YOUR OWN FACE.

HAVE I DONE IT? YEAH.

BUT DID I EVEN STAND A CHANCE? NO.

EVEN TODAY, DO I? NO.

DO I WANT TO, THOUGH? NO.

When you hit a certain age, you should be "okay"
with just fkn "being"
whether you're single, whatever.

That's what has been a big thing, for me. 
I didn't realize it, for a really long time... 

Just being. Just that. Just to be "okay" with that.

Being just "okay" with it, you can build on "okay."
I'm talking about being "okay" just... Being. 

Just being here, right now. 
Reading, or writing, or both, or whatever it is... 
Even sleeping... 

Just to be okay with that. 

Just to try to build a bit of comfort with the small comfort
of just being "okay."

Because just being "okay" is a small comfort.

Small comforts are still comforts. 

And knowing that... Just knowing things we hadn't quite factored in...
Into our awareness, true awareness, 
let alone began using for our own personal benefit.... 

Let's just say I'm further ahead than I was and every time
I use something I've learned... 

Like building on "okay" and realizing the things I actually needed
and things I never needed, etc... 

Among other things... 

Every time I use those things... I get even further. 

That's why I write about it sometimes... 

Just getting from REALLY NOT FKN OKAY
TO KIND OF OKAY... ON MY OWN
IS A PRETTY BIG DEAL, TO ME.

It's not about being "better" than anyone 
just for wanting better for myself
FROM MYSELF. 

SHOULDN'T I WANT THAT?
FOR MYSELF? FROM MYSELF?

SHOULDN'T YOU WANT THAT?
FOR YOURSELF? FROM YOURSELF?

Part of it is about wanting that... 

BUT PART OF IT IS SEEING WHY YOU SHOULD.

I HAD TO SEE WHY I SHOULD WANT THAT.

1) JUST TO KNOW HOW THAT FEELS

I know how it doesn't feel... How it feels WITHOUT THAT.

I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO WANT THE WRONG THINGS
FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

AND THINKING YOU WANT SOMETHING
ISN'T THE SAME THING AS REALIZING
THAT YOU ACTUALLY DON'T 
AND WHY YOU DON'T.

Realizing things is about growing. 
HOW MUCH COULD YOU GROW
IF YOU DIDN'T REALIZE CERTAIN THINGS?

EVEN THE THINGS THAT COULD HAVE MADE
ALL THE DAMN DIFFERENCE?

ESPECIALLY ALL OF THOSE THINGS?
EVEN THE VERY LITTLEST OF THOSE THINGS?

THE VERY LEAST OF THOSE THINGS?

THE THINGS THAT HAD YOU STOPPED
TO LISTEN THE FKN FIRST TIME... 

YOU MIGHT HAVE.... 

REALIZED SOMETHING!
UNDERSTOOD!

HAD THE "REASON" OR WHATEVER
THOUGHT YOU "NEEDED"
TO REALIZE... 

MAYBE I SHOULD STOP TRYING
TO GET A*** TO CHANGE HER MIND ABOUT
SOMETHING THAT'S HER OWN FKN CHOICE!!!!

IT'D BE LIKE ME GOING TO SOMEONE, 
ASKING THEM IF THEY WANTED TO HAVE S#X, 
AND AFTER THEY TOLD ME NO... 

USE STUPID FKN PHRASES TO KEEP TRYING... 
"I NEED YOU AS MY GIRLFRIEND."
"THAT'S TOO BAD."

IT'S NOT TOO BAD FOR ME, BRUH. 
TOO FKN BAD FOR YOU. 

AND SHOULD HAVE FKN BACKED OFF
WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO FK YOU. 

BECAUSE: "NO." DOESN'T MEAN KEEP FKN TRYING. 
IT JUST MEANS FKN NO. 

IT MEANS I AM AT THE POINT IN MY LIFE
WHERE I ALREADY REALIZED A BUNCH OF SH*T. 

LIKE SOME PEOPLE LIKE SOME THINGS ABOUT ME
BUT NOBODY ACTUALLY KNOWS ME
BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO STUCK ON
TRYING TO PLAY GAMES LIKE
"THAT'S TOO BAD..." NO. TF. IT'S NOT.
IT'S THE FKN TRUTH. 

WHY WOULD I WANT TO GIVE ANYONE
A CHANCE TO CHOOSE TO TRY
TO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED EVER AGAIN?

WHY WOULD I LET ANYONE THINK
THEY COULD TRY TO CONTROL ME?

THEN GET MAD AT ME THAT THEY FKN CAN'T?

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY?
SHOULDN'T THEY BE CONTROLLING THEMSELVES?
AND PART OF CONTROLLING YOURSELF
IS KNOWING IF OTHERS CAN CONTROL THEMSELVES
NO NEED TO TRY TO "TAKE" CONTROL
OVER ANYONE. 

The only reason why I put mirror smasher in that armlock
is because he literally had a n33dl3 in his hand. 

The only "control" I had is whether he wanted me
to "release" him from the "lock" bad enough
that he'd drop the n33dl3. 

I "get" than @dd1cts think they need xyz. They don't. 

But my point was that the only "control" I had was
whatever choice he was going to make. 

Moving on isn't about giving up, necessarily... 
It's about REALIZING YOU CAN'T FORCE ANYONE
TO SEE OUR FKN WORTH
OR FEEL LIKE YOU ARE WORTH IT TO THEM
TO JUST FKN GROW TF UP... 

BUT LIKE I JUST SAID... GROWING... 
DEPENDS ON REALIZING THINGS... 

LIKE HOW AWKWEIRD IT WAS FOR MY SON
JUST SEEING HIS GRANDPARENTS FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN FKN YEARS OF NOT EVEN FKN HEARING FROM THEM... 

"WHAT WAS HE ON?"

I DUNNO MOM, WTF ARE YOU ON?
SHOULD I BE ASKING THAT?

AND DO I EVEN WANT TO FKN KNOW?

WOULD IT "EXPLAIN" OR "EXCUSE" ANYTHING?

WOULD IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?

WOULD IT CHANGE ANYTHING?

But just imagine being him... 
NO HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MERRY CHRISTMAS... 
NO "HI, HOW ARE YOU? MISS YOU. LOVE YOU"
(NOT THAT I EVER GOT ANY OF THAT)
FROM HIS OWN GRANDPARENTS
WHO ARE "SUPPOSED TO" CARE ABOUT HIM... 

AND THE FIRST TIME EVEN BEING AROUND THEM
LET ALONE TO THEIR "NEW PLACE"
THEY'VE LIVED AT FOR 5 FKN YEARS
YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN TO
BECAUSE YOU WERE NEVER FKN INVITED BEFORE...
FIVE YEARS OF MISSED OR LOST INVITATIONS.
TO YOUR OWN GRANDCHILD.

AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO "FEEL NORMAL"
ABOUT ALL OF THAT?

WHEN IT SINKS IN... 
LIKE REALLY SINKS IN... 

HOW IS THAT "SUPPOSED TO" FEEL?
GREAT? GOOD? OKAY?

IT'S FKN HARD TRYING TO "ACT" OKAY WITH THAT.

And STILL try to just be okay with BEING.

So I do get it. 

SO YEAH, IT SUCKS FEELING LEFT
ON THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR OWN FAMILY. 

AND ALL KINDS OF OTHER THINGS. 

HOW CAN YOU BE JUST OKAY WITH JUST BEING
WHEN YOU'RE NOT OKAY WITH XYZ?

Well, I never had to be okay with xyz... 

But just being okay with being... 

It's actually a solid base for building on other stuff. 

Some people will never realize some stuff. 

AS MUCH AS I WISH I COULD HAVE FORCED
MIRROR SMASHER
TO REALIZE A BUNCH OF THINGS... 

HE SHOWED ME HE'S NOT ON THE LEVEL
TO BE CLOSE ENOUGH TO BEING CLOSE TO
REALIZING A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS
HE SHOULD HAVE FKN ALREADY
FKN REALIZED BY NOW. 

ABOUT ME. 
ABOUT LIFE. 
ABOUT HIMSELF. 

When it comes to realizing stuff... 
I had a lot to realize about other people, 
about life, and about myself. 

I'm still realizing stuff. 

But I think about things... 

Here's something to seriously think about:

If old ways don't change results, 
how are old ways of thinking and old thoughts
SUPPOSED TO OPEN NEW WAYS AND THOUGHTS?

THAT'S THE HUGE PITFALL OF "HIVE THINKING."
LIKE 1NCELS... 

THE RESULTS THEY WANT
AREN'T GOING TO COME FROM THINKING
AND FKN BEING LIKE THAT.

THAT THINKING AND BEING LIKE THAT
IS WHY WOMEN DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND THAT.

AND THEY LOOK AT WOMEN
AS SOMETHING THEY WANT TO CONTROL
AND TAKE THEIR WILL AWAY
WILL TO EVEN CHOOSE
OR HAVE THE RIGHT TO
BUT IF THE TABLES WERE TURNED... 
WOULD THEY NOT BE FKN INSULTED?

Look at it this way... 
People should have the right just not to be
s#xu@lly attracted to someone
to whom they aren't
s#xu@lly attracted.

REJECTION SHOULDN'T BE TAKEN WITH
"SUCH OFFENSE"
AS TO TAKE IT ANYWHERE
IT SHOULD NEVER BE TAKEN. 

AND "ATTRACTION" ISN'T SOMETHING
YOU CAN FORCE. 

YOU CAN'T "FORCE" SOMEONE TO
SEE ANY OF YOUR WORTH, 

AND YOU SURE AS HECK CAN'T "FORCE"
ATTRACTION. 

People should even have the right not to even
FEEL IN THE LEAST BIT S#XU@L AT ALL. 

THEY SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUST BE.
WITHOUT ANY INTEREST IN IT. 
DESPITE WHAT THEY ARE WANTED TO WANT... 

THE RIGHT NOT TO BE BOTHERED BY THE FACT THAT SOMEONE WANTS
SOMETHING THEY DON'T
AND SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT NOT TO WANT.

SEE ME EVER GO SAYING TO IRON HEART:
"I'VE COME TO THE REALIZATION
THAT I NEED YOU AS MY BOYFRIEND?"

NO! PART OF ME KNEW
HE WAS ALWAYS GOING TO DIP. 

I WANTED TO THINK HE WOULDN'T. 
BUT COULD I TRUST HIM NOT TO?

NO. I KNEW. A PART OF ME
I DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN TO, AGAIN, KNEW.

SO I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE ALL "SHOCKED"
LIKE I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT
FROM HIM. 

EVEN DISAPPOINTED. 

I DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN TO THAT PART OF ME, AGAIN, 
BECAUSE I WANTED TO LET IT FEEL NICE, MAYBE. 

FOR A WHILE, IT DID. 

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I COULD HAVE EVER:
"I REALIZED I NEED YOU AS MY BOYFRIEND."

AND WHAT WOULD HE HAVE SAID?
GO FK YOURSELF, A***?

HE ALREADY SAID IT WITHOUT HAVING TO SAY IT. 
BECAUSE I KNEW HE'D DIP. 

BUT WHY WOULD HE HAVE STAYED?
IN THE STATE I WAS IN?

ALL FKD UP BECAUSE THE ONLY FKN THING I WANTED
FOR SO FKN LONG WAS SO FKN SIMPLE
AND COULD HAVE JUST BEEN FKN SIMPLE
AND FKN EASY
FOR FKN ONCE. 

AND FELT LIKE THOSE TIMES I WOKE UP... HAPPY... 
FELT LIKE THAT. 

BUT I FKN DIDN'T EVER NEED EITHER OF THEM. 

BECAUSE LOOK HOW FAR I GOT WITH EVERY
"GO FK YOURSELF, A***" I EVER GOT.

AND BETTER YET NOBODY CAN HOLD IT OVER MY HEAD
BECAUSE I EARNED THAT. 

NOBODY CAN SAY "WITHOUT ME... XYZ..."

Being "forced" to be alone until I became "okay" with "being" "alone or otherwise"
TAUGHT ME A LOT OF SH*T
THAT BEING WITH SEVERAL PEOPLE
MIGHT NEVER HAVE TAUGHT ME. 

I'M MORE THAN "OKAY" WITH THAT. 
AND IT ACTUALLY FEELS FKN GREAT. 

Also, what I'm saying is that people... 
When they are too focused on being "together" 
or being "with someone" 
or being someone's "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" or whatever...
THEY ARE SO FOCUSED ON JUST THAT
THAT THEY HAVEN'T REALIZED
THAT THEY COULD BE REALIZING THINGS
THEY HAVEN'T REALIZED
BECAUSE THEY NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT XYZ.

IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY THINKING ABOUT
EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS THINK ABOUT... 

HOW LIKELY ARE YOU
TO THINK ABOUT SOMETHING
YOU NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT BEFORE?

So if someone has NEVER FKN TRULY THOUGHT ABOUT ME
BEFORE... 

HOW LIKELY ARE THEY TO DO THAT?

TO EVEN REALIZE ANYTHING ABOUT ME?
LET ALONE WHAT I SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT
NOT TO DO
LIKE THE RIGHT NOT TO BE ATTRACTED TO THEM.

THE RIGHT NOT TO WANT TO ENGAGE IN ANYTHING
WITH THEM. 

THE RIGHT NOT TO BE "ATTACKED" FOR NOT WANTING TO.

THE RIGHT TO HAVE REASONABLE STANDARDS.

EVEN IN TERMS OF HAVING STANDARDS FOR MYSELF... 

Get it? If they never thought about me before, they won't. 

UNTIL MAYBE THEY REALIZE WHY THEY SHOULD
AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN... THE WHOLE TIME...

AND EVEN REALIZE WHY THEY SHOULD REALIZE... 

AND THEN MAYBE THEY'LL WANT TO MAKE THE CHANGES
FOR THEMSELVES I MADE FOR MYSELF. 

I'm not saying that it's been easy or that it was ever supposed to be. 
EASY IS STAYING THE SAME. 

I think it's a crab... I'll go with crab for the analogy. 

A crab outgrows its shell and has to shed it because it gets too small. 
It gets uncomfortable because it's too small. 

We outgrow clothes that are sizes too small for us... 
Shoes that are sizes too small for us.... 

Well crabs keep growing and need new shells... 

While the new shell is growing, they are totally vulnerable. 

It's their shell that is their physical defense... 

Anyway, the shell is the metaphor.
Outgrowing the shell is the metaphor.
Vulnerability until the new one replaces the old one.

When you realize how close you actually are
to changing your entire life and the difference from
being right on the cusp of even starting to actually do it
is not seeing how. 

"Is there still a way, even if I can't see one right now?"
Yeah, probably. 

So if there's probably a way... Is there a will?

Who's going to make a way for your own will?
You? Or someone you think you want to/need to be "with"?

If you're willing to make a way to be willing... To just be... 
AND BE "OKAY" WITH JUST BEING... 

WHY SHOULD BEING "WITH" SOMEONE MATTER?
AT THAT POINT?

BECAUSE THAT FEELING OF JUST BEING "OKAY"
WITH JUST BEING... 

WHEN YOU BUILD ON THAT MORE AND MORE, 
BEING "WITH" SOMEONE
STOPS FKN MATTERING. 

S#X STOPS MATTERING, TOO. 

BECAUSE WHAT MATTERS IS THAT JUST BEING
FEELS OKAY.
WHICH FEELS NICE.

AND FEELING NICE IS FEELING SOMETHING
AFTER REPRESSING TOO MANY SH*T FEELINGS. 

ABOUT SOME OTHER THINGS THAT
DON'T SEEM AS IMPORTANT AS THEY ONCE DID... 

AND FREEDOM FROM ALL OF THAT... 
IS SUCH A FKN WEIGHT OFF YOUR BACK.

AND THAT FEELING... 
IT'S WORTH A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF.
A DEEPER LOOK AT YOURSELF... 

A DEEPER LOOK AT LIFE, TOO. 

AND WHEN YOU SEE SOME THINGS IN SOME PEOPLE, 
YOU SEE IT IN YOURSELF, 

AND WHEN YOU SEE IT IN YOURSELF, 
YOU CAN DECIDE IF IT'S WORTH IT TO YOU
TO THINK AND BE ANY TYPE OF WAY. 

BECAUSE WHAT'S NOT WORTH IT, 
ISN'T WORTH IT... 

AND WHAT'S WORTH IT, 
DEFINITELY IS WORTH IT.