Don't Have To Want To

Sometimes it does feel like I'm "alone."

Being taken for granted all the time... Yeah... 
That's taken a toll on me. 

Had to start at least trying to appreciate myself
more than I ever have. 

I just feel like I wasted a big chunk of my life, 
big chunks of my life. 

And kind of mad at myself for putting up with what I did
FOR AS LONG AS I DID. 

like waste someone's time and expect them
not to be upset about it?

But, I wasted my time by letting him waste my time. 

And I've done this before. 
Just not to this extent. 

And I'm upset with myself for not telling him to fk right off
ALL THE TIMES I REALLY FKN SHOULD HAVE
FOR TREATING ME THE WAY HE TREATED ME.

LIKE I DIDN'T FKN MATTER.
AT ALL. 

But I shouldn't be expected to keep giving chances
TO FKN ANYONE
ESPECIALLY TO ANYONE
WHO CAN'T SEE A CHANCE FOR A CHANCE
TO WHAT?
CHANGE!!!!!
TO GROW TF UP!!!!!!
LEVEL UP!!!!!!

TO STOP BEING A FKN TW@T!!!!!
TO ME!!!!!

DID THEY HAVE TO BE A TW@T TO ME AT ALL?

DID THEY HAVE TO TRY TO PLAY WITH ME?
LET ALONE IN MY FACE?

NO? 

SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

Did I do that? Would I do that?
Never had to do it, right?

That's the point I was making. 
Never had to do that sh*t. To me. 

Never had to do anything to them, right?
SO DID I DO ANYTHING TO THEM?

BESIDES A "SLAP" UPSIDE THE HEAD
AND AN ARMLOCK?

AND BOOTING THEM OUT OF MY LIFE?
FOR LITERALLY REFUSING NOT TO BE A SH*T?

AFTER TELLING ME, TO MY FACE, IN MY HOME, 
THEY WOULD NOT TREAT ME LIKE SH*T ANYMORE!

AND YET CONTINUED TO DO IT. 

SO, NO, I DON'T OWE MY LOYALTY
TO SOMEONE WHO'S NOT BEING LOYAL TO ME. 

YOU DON'T GET "THE OLD ME"
THE "ME WHO CARED"
WHILE YOU DIDN'T. 

DID HE CARE ENOUGH NOT TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T
IN THE FIRST PLACE?

That goes for many people who could have just fkn cared about me
ENOUGH NEVER TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT
EVER... 

Just cared about me... Just enough,,, For just that,

NOT ENOUGH TO XYZ OVER THE MOON
BEYOND ANY AND ALL EXPECTATIONS...

JUST ENOUGH NEVER TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T. 
OUT OF RESPECT, EVEN.
JUST THAT.

Just to CARE THAT MUCH, 

IS THAT TOO MUCH OR WHAT?
BECAUSE IF THAT'S TOO MUCH...

I'D RATHER JUST NOT BE "CARED" ABOUT
BY FKN ANYONE... USED TO IT ANYWAY. 

BECAUSE, IN MY MIND, THAT SHOULD NOT BE
TOO MUCH. 

NOT TOO MUCH TO WANT, 
NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR. 

SO I SHOULD NEVER BE TREATED LIKE
WANTING THAT AND ASKING FOR THAT
IS TOO FKN MUCH. 

ON TOP OF BEING TREATED LIKE SH*T. 

SHOULD I TREAT SOMEONE ELSE LIKE THAT?
LIKE THAT'S TOO MUCH TO WANT AND ASK
OF ME?

BECAUSE TREATING SOMEONE LIKE THAT
IS FKN BS. 

JUST BS. 

That's why I didn't punch my ex back, when he did it to me. 

BECAUSE I COULD HAVE HURT HIM. 
I COULD HAVE BEEN SO ANGRY
I COULD HAVE K*LLED HIM
RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

WHO WOULD HAVE SEEN ME?

WAS ANYONE ELSE THERE?

TO DEFEND ME?
TO HELP ME?

IF HE DIDN'T STOP AT ONE?

Get it?

He didn't NEED to because he didn't HAVE to. 
He chose to and I chose not to. 

BECAUSE NOT DOING THAT SH*T
WASN'T TOO MUCH TO ASK OF ME. 

WITHOUT HAVING TO ASK FOR THAT. 

LIKE I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO ASK FOR THAT. 

SINCE IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
OR EVEN WANT?

Mirror smasher was relentless with his BS.
AND WHAT DID I DO TO "RETALIATE"?
I STOPPED TAKING HIS SH*T. 
DON'T NEED IT, DON'T WANT IT. 
NO TIME FOR IT. 

I'm not "cold" for not taking his sh*t. 
I know how much of it I never should have taken. 
I learned that too many chances are too many chances
I learned that time wasted is time wasted. 

It's not about trying to get anyone to see it exactly like me. 
It's about how I really wish they understood why I see it like that. 

It wasn't too much to ask of me, and they expected it from me, even... 

SO WHY EXPECT FROM ME
WHAT I CAN'T EXPECT FROM YOU?

IF IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FAIR, 
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FAIR.

SHOULD HAVE BEEN, COULD HAVE BEEN, 
HAD HE CHOSEN THAT, 
BUT WHAT? DIDN'T?

BECAUSE THAT, JUST THAT
WAS TOO MUCH TO WANT AND ASK FOR?

HOW WAS THAT FAIR? TO ME?

AND AFTER TOO MUCH TIME
WAITING FOR SOMETHING THAT SHOULD HAVE
ALWAYS JUST BEEN FAIR

TO BE FAIR, AND STILL WASN'T?

NO. 

HAD I TAKEN MY EX BACK AFTER PUNCHING ME IN THE HEAD... 
WHAT WOULD THAT HAVE SAID?
THAT IT'S OKAY?
THAT I'LL TOLERATE IT?

THAT HE CAN JUST ACT LIKE THAT
JUST BECAUSE HE FEELS LIKE IT?

THAT WHAT I WANTED THE WHOLE TIME
DIDN'T MATTER?

BECAUSE DID IT?

What I wanted was for that NOT TO BE TOO MUCH
TO WANT, TO ASK FOR.

I wanted him to be mature enough to know
THAT IT SHOULDN'T BE.

And since it shouldn't be, 
I shouldn't be treated like it is!!!! 

AND THAT I WOULDN'T LIKE OR WANT TO BE
TREATED LIKE IT IS. 

AND THAT ONLY SO MUCH OF IT I'D EVER TAKE
IF I EVER TOOK ANY BS, AT ALL, 
NOW, I'M NOT.

ESPECIALLY NOT FOR EVERYONE THEY HAVE TO
COMPARE ME TO
TO REALIZE I'M ACTUALLY NOT
LIKE A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE. 

But anyway... 

When you know what you know about yourself... 
And you know you don't have to put up with that sh*t... 
YOU JUST DON'T.

And if they have a problem with that, they can take that sh*t
somewhere else. 

They can take it somewhere else, whether or not they have
a problem with that. 

It just bugs me that after being a fkn tw@t to me, 
THEY TRY COMING BACK TO ME. 

WHEN THEY COULD HAVE JUST
TAKEN ME SERIOUSLY. 

RESPECTED & APPRECIATED ME. 
WITH ZERO BS. 

WHEN I WANTED TO BE THERE.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO WANT TO, CORRECT?

AND I DEFINITELY DON'T HAVE TO WANT TO, NOW.
AFTER ALL THE DISRESPECT.