Chopped It With An Axe

Why does it have to be something like:|
"Compared to xyz, A*** wasn't bad!"
"A*** only wanted xyz..."

Why does it take that sh*t
FOR ANYONE TO REALIZE
ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

Been eating chow mein... 
I have a pack of it and been eating it. 
I put butter chicken sauce on it lol. 

I do have some hoison sauce. 

There was a sauce I made, I forgot what I put in it. 
I made it for shrimp... 
Used hoison sauce and something else, 
because I didn't have much here, at the time.... 

Thinking of trying to make some sort of peanut sauce. 

Last month, I took my son to an Asian restaurant. 
He wanted to go to that one because they have "bubble tea"
so we both ate and got one of those. 

So expensive to go to restaurants, now. 

It was so good!!!! I had Shanghai Shrimp
or Shrimp Shanghai. It was good. 

Anyway, I can't just go to restaurants whenever I want. 
Things, over the last 4 years practically doubled. 

Even more than doubled. Like 2.8 even. 
2.8x Not quite 3, but very freaking close. 
In the span of like 5 years, but more over the last 4 years. 

I decided that I'm going to try to sell my code. 
The code for the audio podcast thing I'm building for my site. 

I don't know if anyone will buy it, but I can at least finish writing it. 

What's funny about mirror smasher calling me "haggard"
IS THAT AT LEAST I'M NOT A FKN JUNKIE!
I DON'T LOOK LIKE ONE!

YEAH, I WEAR MY WEAR AND TEAR... SURE.
I'M 41 FREAKING YEARS OLD. 
I'M NOT 18 ANYMORE.

BUT I DON'T LOOK LIKE A FKN JUNKIE. 
BECAUSE? I'M NOT ONE!!!!

AND BEING SO SHALLOW AS TO ATTACK MY "LOOKS"
BECAUSE THAT'S ALL HE HAD TO ATTACK, I GUESS... 

THINKING IT WAS GOING TO "HURT" ME LOL. 
THE ONLY WAY IT WOULD HAVE
IS IF I FKN CARED ABOUT THAT SH*T. 

AND I'D HAVE TO BE AS SHALLOW AS HIM
TO FKN CARE ABOUT THAT SH*T. 

Doesn't realize HE WAS LUCKY THAT I FORGAVE HIM
THE FIRST TIME. THE SECOND TIME... 

BUT THE LAST TIME? DID I EVEN HAVE TO?
I DIDN'T FKN HAVE TO!

WHEN HE CALLED ME, I COULD HAVE FKN HUNG UP!
WHEN HE WANTED TO BORROW MONEY, 
I COULD HAVE LAUGHED IN HIS FKN FACE!!!!

THAT TIME I "RAN INTO HIM WITH THAT WENCH"
I COULD HAVE LAUGHED AND KEPT WALKING. 

MANY TIMES I COULD HAVE LAUGHED IN HIS FKN FACE!!!!
BUT DID I?

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE!!!!!!!!

But now, he can't EXPECT ME NOT TO!

Trying to "hurt" someone with something that doesn't matter... 

HE DID IT BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WOULD!!!!!

AM I SUPPOSED TO RESPECT THAT SH*T?
ANY OF HIS SH*T?

YET HE CAME BACK, RIGHT?

HE HAD 6+ YEARS TO WAKE TF UP. 

TF DID I EVER NEED ANYONE'S EXCUSES
FOR THEIR BS?!

DO THEY WANT ANY EXCUSES FOR MINE?!
DO THEY?

SO WHY WOULD I WANT THAT SH*T?

THE ONLY REASON HE EVER CAME BACK
WAS BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GET
WHAT HE FKN WANTED
FROM THOSE HE WANTED IT FROM. 

HE FEELS "BAD" FOR BEING A SH*T. 
WAS HIS CHOICE SO WHY FEEL BAD?

WHY SHOULD I BE "WARM" AND "FORGIVING"
OR EVEN WANT TO BE?

JUST BECAUSE HE'S TAKING LOSSES?
BECAUSE HE "FAILED" TO LEARN?

WHAT I WAS TRYING TO FKN TELL HIM?

HAD HE LISTENED, HE WOULD HAVE HEARD ME. 
HE COULD HAVE LEARNED SOMETHING. 

THE FIRST TIME I TOLD HIM. 
SHOULD I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING
REPEATEDLY FOR IT TO "CLICK"
AND MAKE SENSE?

Yeah, it's "uncomfortable"
HAVING TO FACE THE TRUTH. 
THE TRUTH OF WHAT THEY DID. 
WHY THEY DID IT. 
WHAT IT "BROUGHT" THEM... 

THE PERSON THEY WERE/ARE 
TO HAVE DONE XYZ... 

AND I KNOW THAT TRUTH. 

Not afraid to say it. 

BUT THEY WANT MY "FORGIVENESS"
TO FEEL "BETTER"
TO TRY TO "TAKE THE WEIGHT OFF."

SHOULD AN APOLOGY "BE ENOUGH"?
WHEN NOTHING EVER CHANGED?

WHEN THEY WANTED TO REPEAT THEIR BS?

AND ALL THE "COMPETITION" AND BS, TOO?

B*TCHES TRYING TO "COME AT ME" 
FOR WHAT?

FOR HIS FKN DISLOYALTY? FK THEM ALL.

WHY SHOULD I WANT THAT BS + HIS BS?

So why shouldn't I be doing what's best for ME?
NOT putting up with anyone's bs... 

Shouldn't I?! 

WANTED TO PLAY GAMES
AND I DON'T FKN PLAY.

SO NOW WHAT?

WHAT IS THE POINT IN COMING BACK MY WAY?
BECAUSE THEY FEEL BAD FOR BEING A SH*T TO ME?
LET THEM SIT WITH THAT. 

I HAD TO!!!! SO WHY SHOULDN'T THEY!!!!

HE CAN SIT WITH THE THINGS I DID FOR HIM. 
AND WHY I EVEN BOTHERED. 

AND WHY I SURE AF AM NOT, NOW.

IF HE COMES BACK, AGAIN, 
IT'D BE OUT OF FKN GUILT. 

NOT BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. 
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LIKE HOW IT FEELS
TO SLAM THE DOOR IN HIS OWN FACE. 

BUT WHY IS THAT MY PROBLEM?

HE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY!
HE HAD SEVERAL OPPORTUNITIES.

HE HAD 7 MONTHS OF LIVING WITH ME. 

AND MAYBE WE'D STILL BE LIVING TOGETHER!

WHY WOULD I WANT "SORRY" OUT OF GUILT?
BECAUSE THEY ARE FACING LOSSES 
WITHOUT ME... 

THEY ARE LEFT IN THEIR OWN MISERY. 
BECAUSE GROWING TF UP WAS "TOO HARD"
SO WHY NOT RUN TO SOME BS... 

"EASIER" TO DO THAT THAN FACE THE TRUTH.

And why would I want that? I don't! Never did!

WOULD HE WANT THAT SH*T COMING FROM ME?
NO? SO WHY WOULD I?

HE CAN THINK ABOUT THAT ALL HE WANTS, NOW. 
BECAUSE I'M DONE TELLING HIM. 
DONE TRYING. 
DONE CARING. 

JUST DONE. 

HE HAD HIS SECOND CHANCE!!!!
HIS THIRD!!!! HIS FOURTH!!!!!

So why can't I find PEACE SOMEWHERE ELSE?
I CAN! SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO!

SO JUST LET ME FKN DO THAT!
AND SIT WITH/IN THEIR OWN MESS.

AND THEN THEY TRY TO COME BACK
BECAUSE THEY LED THEMSELVES ASTRAY?

WHY BOTHER COMING BACK?! TO REPEAT?!
BECAUSE NO. NOT WASTING MY TIME ANYMORE. 

IT'S FINE TO ACCEPT WHAT I GAVE, FREELY, 
AND THEN JUST ST@B ME IN THE BACK... 

AND HAD I DONE THE EXACT SAME SH*T... 

HOW COULD I EVER EXPECT ANYONE
TO EVER WANT ME BACK?!!!!

That's not a real apology. An apology out of guilt, 
OR TO CONTINUE TO PLAY GAMES... 

EVERYTHING THEY TRIED TO "AVOID" WITH THEIR BS
IS EVERYTHING THEY STILL HAVE TO CARRY
AND I WON'T CARRY IT FOR THEM. 

I'VE HAD TO CARRY MY OWN LOAD IN LIFE. 
BY MYSELF. 

I'M GONE BECAUSE THEY WERE ONLY THINKING
OF THEMSELVES!!!!!!!

DID THEY EVER THINK ABOUT ME?!

ONLY TO INSULT ME, RIGHT?
ONLY TO SLAP ME IN THE FACE EVERY TIME
THEY CHOSE TO BE A FKN SH*T. 

ANYTHING TO "AVOID" TAKING RESPONSIBILITY, 
ACCOUNTABILITY. 

SO WHY "REWARD" THEM WITH ANYTHING?
DOESN'T DESERVE IT. 

Shouldn't I be allowed to MOVE ON, ON MY OWN, 
WITHOUT ANYONE'S SH*T?

LIKE THEY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO
IF I WAS THE ONE WHO DID ALL THAT SH*T???!!!

THEY SHOULD FEEL FKN BAD!!!!!
I WOULD!!!!

IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED... 

BUT HE GETS TO DEAL WITH HIS SH*T, NOW. 

I DO NOT NEED TO BE "THERE"
FOR ANYONE WHO CAN'T FKN SEE THAT. 
WHO CAN'T SEE WHY. 

WHO CAN'T SEE AN OPPORTUNITY. 

WHO REFUSES TO JUST FKN ACT RIGHT. 

ANY "APOLOGY" I EVER GET... 
WOULD ONLY BE OUT OF GUILT
AND BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GET WHAT HE WANTED... 

DID I, THOUGH? THE BARE MIN?

Am I supposed to want to take someone back
WHO THREATENED ME WITH PHYSICAL VIOLENCE?

BUT LET HIM SETTLE FOR WHAT HE THOUGHT
HE WAS GOING TO GET AND DIDN'T. 

Sure, easy to be a fkn coward. 
EASY TO RUN AWAY. 
EASY TO BE A SH*T. 

BUT WHAT YOU LOSE, THAT WAY... 
YOU MAY LOSE FOREVER. 

AND WHAT YOU "GAIN"
MAY NOT BE WHAT YOU WANTED.

AND IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WHAT YOU WANTED. 

TRY TO BREAK SOMEONE
TO TRY TO GET SOMETHING YOU WANTED... 

DO YOU DESERVE IT? NO?
SO HOW CAN YOU EXPECT TO?

It'd be like me doing that sh*t. 
WOULD THEY APPRECIATE IT?
SO WHY WOULD I?

PEOPLE WHO PUSH ME AWAY
AND TRY TO BREAK ME TO DO IT... 
WHY WOULD I WANT THEM IN MY LIFE?

THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO BE! 

BUT IT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE
BECAUSE I WAS HOLDING THEM TO THEIR SH*T. 

SHOULDN'T I HOLD THEM TO THEIR SH*T?
SHOULDN'T THEY HOLD ME TO MINE?

IF THERE WAS SOMETHING TO HOLD ME TO, THEN FINE!
BUT I WASN'T ABOUT THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!

WHETHER THEY DID IT INTENTIONALLY OR NOT, 
THEY STILL DID THAT SH*T. 
AND COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO. 
HAD I MATTERED ENOUGH NOT TO. 
RIGHT?

With no loyalty, respect, xyz... 

WHAT IS THERE? ANYTHING?
OTHER THAN MORE BS?
NO? SO WHY WOULD I?

And what REALLY p*ssed me off
WAS HE WAS TRYING TO BE LIKE:
"IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING... " DA FUQ?

THERE'S NO MISUNDERSTANDING THAT SH*T. 
ESPECIALLY INTENTIONAL SH*T. 

IF HE DIDN'T WANT TO ACT LIKE A TW@T,
THEN WHY CHOOSE TO ACT LIKE A TW@T?

HE DID IT BECAUSE HE FKN FELT LIKE IT. 

WHICH MADE ME FEEL LIKE LEAVING HIM
IN HIS OWN SH*T. 

He can wonder all he wants about what I'm doing.
Who I'm with, now... (Not with anyone, I don't fkn want to). 

EVERY TIME I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP
IT WAS ALL ABOUT THEM. 

AND ME TRYING TO MAKE SH*T WORK
THAT WASN'T WORKING
BECAUSE THEY INTENTIONALLY LET ME DOWN. 

BUT TO HURT SOMEONE (OR TRY TO)
AND BE ALL LIKE "JUST GET OVER IT"
AND IF I HAD DONE THAT SH*T
AND TOLD THEM  TO "JUST GET OVER IT"
DA FUQ?

Why would I keep trying?
WOULD IT HAVE EVER GOTTEN ME "ANYWHERE"?
OUT OF THE BS "LOOP"?

ON THE TRACK WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON?
THE WHOLE TIME?

BUT NO. DO NOT COME BACK TO ME
WHEN YOUR WELL RUNS DRY. 
WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT.
WHEN YOU FEEL "BAD" FOR BEING THE SH*T
YOU NEVER HAD TO BE. 

BECAUSE YOU NEVER. HAD. TO. BE!
A SH*T TO ME!

THE ONE WHO WAS IN YOUR CORNER... 
THE ONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE
IN YOUR CORNER ANYMORE. 

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD I BE?
TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?

You know what's funny, though?
DOING ALL THAT SH*T
FOR SOMETHING THEY THOUGHT THEY'D GET
AND THEY DON'T GET IT. 

BELIEVING LIES LOL. 

EXPECTING ME TO BE "SORRY"
FOR WHAT?
I'M SORRY I WASTED MY OWN TIME. 

SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN?
TO WASTE MORE TIME?

I feel sick tonight. Yesterday was a migraine. 
Tonight I feel like I could puke. 

What bugs me, too, 
IS NOBODY WHO EVER DID ME DIRTY
HAS A RIGHT TO BE JEALOUS
IF I EVER FIND MYSELF
WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES APPRECIATE ME, 
WHO DOES ACT RIGHT, 
WHO ACTS LIKE I MATTER TO THEM. 

WHO ACTS LIKE HOW I FEEL MATTERS, TOO.

How can you do someone fkn dirty... 
AND THEN BE JEALOUS
WHEN THEY ARE HAPPY?
WHEN THEY ARE BEING TREATED PROPERLY?
BETTER THAN YOU EVER TREATED THEM?
TREATED THE WAY THEY DESERVED TO BE TREATED... 
LIKE THEY MATTER! LIKE HOW THEY FEEL MATTERS!

It should be fkn embarrassing
TO BE A FKN SH*T TO SOMEONE
WHO FKN CARED ABOUT YOU. 

WHO WANTED TO BE WITH YOU!!!!
WHO WANTED SOMETHING REAL!!!!!

AND TO DESTROY THAT... 
AND THEN WANT TO BE FORGIVEN FOR DOING IT
CHOOSING TO, WANTING TO... 

WTF IS THAT SH*T?
EMBARRASSING IS WHAT IT SHOULD FKN BE!!!!!!

NOT ONLY SHOULD IT BE EMBARRASSING, 
IT SHOULD BE SO EMBARRASSING
THEY DON'T WANT TO FKN DO IT!!!!!

SINCE THEY SEEM TO CARE WHAT THINGS "LOOK LIKE" LOL. 

SHOULD CARE ABOUT HOW THINGS ARE!!!!
AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FKN TELL ANYONE
HOW THINGS ARE. 

OR HOW THINGS SHOULD BE... 

THEY SHOULD FKN KNOW!
THEY SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT
WHEN I WAS JUST TRYING
TO GET THEM TO JUST FKN THINK!!!!!!!!!!
ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOR FKN ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!

But coming to me OUT OF GUILT?
SIT WITH IT! YOU EARNED THAT GUILT. 
JUST LIKE I WOULD HAVE EARNED IT
HAD THAT SH*T COME FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!

So why should I "lighten the load"?
A LOAD I WAS FORCED TO BEAR.

SURE I COULD FORGIVE
BUT DOESN'T MEAN I'LL FORGET. 
OR SHOULD FORGET. 

SHOULD I EXPECT THEM TO "FORGET"
OR "GET OVER IT"?

EXCUSES DOESN'T SAY YOU LEARNED ANYTHING!
THERE'D BE NO EXCUSES
IF THEY LEARNED ANYTHING!

"THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR IT."
BUT IF THERE WAS AN EXCUSE....
I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE FKN EXCUSE!!!!!

Should I be acting like an ignorant sh*t
and making and giving excuses for it?

OR WOULD THAT BE FKN EMBARRASSING AF, TO ME?
TO FKN BE LIKE THAT?

EVERYONE WHO EVER DID ME DIRTY NEEDS TO FEEL IT.
THEY NEED TO FEEL MY ABSENSE, 

BECAUSE WHAT DID THEY EXPECT?
FOR ME TO STAY FOR MORE OF THAT?

NEVER. HAD. TO. BE. THERE.
NEVER. HAD. TO. WANT. TO.
NEVER. HAD. TO. WASTE. MY. TIME.

In other news one of my neighbors got kicked out... 
He had an axe and chopped at the fob reader thing
in the front of the building... 

I was wondering how that got broken... 

Last time I saw the guy, he wanted to trade hats. 

He wanted my Union Jack hat that I made. 
He's not the only one who has wanted it. 

My neighbor, the guy I smoke with, wants one. 
I did say I'd make him one. 

It bugs me when I make myself something
and people just expect me to either give it to them
because they want it, 
OR ASK ME TO MAKE THEM ONE, TOO. 

Just wild he had an axe. They took him away.
I heard he's been outside naked
and was showing someone a cr@ck pipe. 

INSTEAD OF JUST GETTING A NEW FOB, 
HE GOT AN AXE?
AND CHOPPED IT WITH THE AXE? DA FUQ?

I got home Saturday night and that fob reader thing
was all busted and I had no idea it was him with an axe. 

At least that thing still works. 

A lot of people would be bugged having to come into the building
from the backdoor. 

There's no elevator that goes to the parking garage. 
Several people who live here need the elevator. 

A woman, on facebook was complaining about a cruise line. 
YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE
WILL LIKELY NEVER GO ON A CRUISE?
EVER?

BUT, IT WASN'T "PERFECT."

She had some valid complaints, but... 
SHE GOT TO FKN GO, PERIOD. 

That sh*t p*sses me off. 

WHEN SOMEONE WHO CAN AFFORD SOMETHING
DON'T REALIZE MANY FKN CAN'T. 

AND WILL NEVER GET TO GO, PERIOD. 

Another thought... 
It was only "immasculating" to mirror smasher
BECAUSE HE COULDN'T FKN CONTROL ME. 

OTHERWISE NOTHING ABOUT STATING FACTS
WOULD BE "IMMASCULATING."
FACTS ARE FACTS. ONLY. 

MEANS WHAT TO YOUR "MASCULINITY"?

NO, PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TRY TO CONTROL ME... 
DON'T GET TO HAVE CONTROL OVER ME
JUST BECAUSE THEY FKN WANT IT. 

IF THEY HAD CONTROL OVER THEMSELVES, 
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TRIED TESTING ME, 
PERIOD. 

TO WHAT? SEE HOW MUCH I CAN TAKE?
TO TEST MY LOYALTY? 

And had I done that, though... 
What would that look like?
HOW WOULD THAT LOOK ON ME?
NOT GOOD?

Every time he came at me with FACTS
AND I SAY: "YOU'RE DEFEMINIZING ME!"

HAD I TRIED PLAYING IN HIS FACE...

AND YES, NEAR THE END I DID CALL HIM A C*NT. 
BECAUSE HE CALLED ME A C*NT. 

MAYBE RESPECT THE PERSON
WHO WANTED YOU TO JUST GET THE REST OF YOUR SH*T
OUT OF THEIR HOUSE?

I NEVER HAD TO TRY TO GET IT BACK TO HIM. 
HE SHOULD HAVE MADE HIS OWN PLANS 
FOR HIS OWN SH*T. 
BUT REFUSED TO
TO "ACCUSE" ME OF "STEALING" HIS SH*T. 
SH*T I TOLD YOU TO COME GET?
LITERALLY FOR MONTHS?

WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO CHASE YOU
TO GET YOUR OWN THINGS?
TO GET THEM OUT OF MY HOUSE?

AND I COULD HAVE LIT IT ON FIRE!
I COULD HAVE P*SSED ON HIS CLOTHES. 

THAT THERMOS OF P*SS... 
I COULD HAVE CLEANED UP THAT WITH HIS CLOTHES. 

BUT DID I?

But TESTING ME DID WHAT?

IT DISGUSTED ME IS WHAT IT DID.