The Things She Doesn't Say

Well, I brought my son with me to see my folks. 
THEY HAVE HAD VERY LITTLE TO DO
WITH MY SON FOR YEARS.

NO HAPPY BIRTHDAY, 
MERRY CHRISTMAS... 

NOTHING.

So yeah, probably was awkward, for him. 

And I talked to my mother on the phone, yesterday... 

"What was he on?" 
Because she says he wasn't making eye contact etc.

I RARELY DO, TOO.
DOESN'T MEAN I'M ON ANYTHING... 

So I told my mom my son has mental health issues
AND HEALTH ISSUES... 

But I also said:
"You haven't seen my kid in YEARS and the first thing you say
IS WHAT WAS HE ON?"

AND JUST BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT HE WAS
DOESN'T MEAN THAT HE WAS!!!!!

IT JUST FKN BUGGED ME.

CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE?!
JUST "WHAT WAS HE ON?"?!

GEE, THANKS, MOM!

AND THIS IS WHY WE AREN'T "CLOSE."

AND OF ALL THE THINGS THAT COMES OUT 
OF HER MOUTH, 

THERE ARE THINGS SHE THINKS
AND DOESN'T SAY, I'M SURE.

She's my mother, I love her....
BUT DA FUQ, MOM!

CAN'T YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING
LIKE: IT WAS NICE TO SEE YOU BOTH... 

SOMETHING FKN NICE?!
FOR FKN ONCE?!

Something nice... WOULD BE NICE!!!!

Just would be nice. For once. 

BUT I NEVER GET THAT.
JUST THAT.

IT FKN BUGS ME.

So when I see my son, 
I tell him I love him. 
I tell him it's nice to see him. 
I thank him for spending time with me. 

Imagine if I was all like "What are you on?"
When he's not "on" anything?

LIKE WHEN MY STEPFATHER TOLD ME
TO STOP BEING ANXIOUS

BECAUSE I TRIED TALKING TO HIM
AND APPARENTLY I KEPT
REPEATING MYSELF
BECAUSE I ONLY GOT 6 CHANCES
TO EVEN FKN SAY ANYTHING.

EVERY "CONVO" IS ABOUT
WHAT HE WANTS TO SAY.

HE DOESN'T FKN LET ANYONE
SAY FKN ANYTHING.

SO THERE'S NO POINT TALKING.
OR TRYING TO TALK.

SO I DON'T ANYMORE.

IT P*SSES ME OFF.

MY FOLKS DGAF ABOUT
WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, HOW I FEEL, 
ABOUT FKN ANYTHING

SO THERE IS NO POINT.

SO I DON'T FKN TRY ANYMORE.

WHERE DID TRYING GET ME? WITH THEM?
ANYWHERE?
OR NOWHERE?

So it bugs me. 

Imagine your whole life trying until you just...
SEE THAT THERE IS NO POINT?

NOTHING WILL CHANGE?
OR BE ANY BETTER?

BECAUSE THEY DGAF AND NEVER DID?

BECAUSE IF THEY DID... 
THEY'D HAVE BEEN TRYING TOO!!!!

TRYING TO UNDERSTAND ME.
TRYING TO ACTUALLY CARE!!!

NOT ABOUT THEIR STUPIDITY.
ABOUT ME.
ABOUT THEIR GRANDCHILD.

It still kinda bugs me
SEEING PEOPLE WHO HAVE ACTUAL FAMILY.
WHO SHOW UP FOR THEM.

IN EVERY LITTLE WAY.

NEVER HAD THAT.
PROBABLY NEVER WILL.

I GET SH*T LIKE 
"WHAT WAS HE ON?"

WTF ARE YOU ON, MOM?

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH!

And I used to ask myself WHY couldn't I have
An actual family?

NOT A BUNCH OF PEOPLE I'M RELATED TO?

But for everything she DOES say, 
there's sh*t she doesn't.


Sh*t must be going on, in her mind, 
for her to do what she does and say what she DOES say.

We're so fkn different, her and I.

Maybe, I'm more like my father. 
How would I know? LOL.

Anyway, I get vibes from my mom, often, 
that I don't like. I've accepted it, but don't have to like it.

LIKE WHEN WE WENT TO THE CASINO
WITH MY GRANDMOTHER
AND WE JUST GOT THERE
AND THE FIRST MACHINE, I WON.

SO I WAS HAPPY, AND MY MOM
COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY FOR ME, 
BUT SHE BOPPED ME IN THE HEAD
JUST FOR WINNING
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T. 

WASN'T HARD ENOUGH TO HURT, 
BUT SHE COULD HAVE JUST BEEN HAPPY FOR ME!

SHE WAS JUST MAD THAT SHE DIDN'T WIN.

BUT IMAGINE? BEING JEALOUS LIKE THAT?
INSTEAD OF JUST BEING FKN HAPPY FOR THEM?

I mean, there's a show I've watched... 
Called "Secret Millionaire."

I've been so fkn happy for people on that show
THAT I FKN CRIED. HARD.

AND MY MOM WAS LIKE:
"NOBODY'S GIVING ME MONEY."

I DON'T WATCH IT WITH HER ANYMORE.
SHE DOESN'T GET IT. OR ME.

The point is that she could have just been happy.

I CRIED BECAUSE I WAS HAPPY.

I CRIED, IN FRONT OF SOMEONE, 
WHEN I WAS REALLY THANKFUL...

AND HE DIDN'T GET IT.

WHEN PEOPLE ARE USED TO GETTING
EVERYTHING, THEY DON'T FKN APPRECIATE IT.

NOT TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, I GUESS.
SO THANKFUL YOU ACTUALLY CRY.

HOW CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT?
TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T GET IT?

WHO MIGHT NOT, EVER, GET IT.
EVEN IF I TRIED TO EXPLAIN IT...
WOULD THEY LISTEN?

OR WOULD I JUST BE
"REPEATING MYSELF"

But I'm tired of keeping myself "small"
because people get "upset"
whenever I'm feeling better than I did... 

BEING GHOSTED, THOUGH, 
MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I MIGHT HAVE
DODGED BULLETS.

MORE THAN ONCE, TOO... 
AFTER GIVING THEM ANOTHER CHANCE?

A CHANCE TO "HATE" ME FOR BEING MYSELF?
WHEN I'VE KEPT MYSELF "SMALL"
JUST SO OTHERS CAN FEEL "COMFORTABLE"
WITH THEMSELVES... 

MOST WHO TRY TO PROVOKE ME
ARE JUST TRYING TO "TRAP" ME
IN AN "IDENTITY" THAT'S NOT MINE.
NOT WHO I AM. 

WHEN THEY CAN GET AN ARISE, 
THAT ARISE CAN HAVE CONSEQUENCES... 

AND WHEN THEY WANT YOU TO REACT
BECAUSE THEY INTEND TO USE IT
AGAINST YOU...

WHY PLAY THAT GAME?

I COULD BE DOING THAT BS, TO THEM?
BUT WHAT WOULD I GET OUT OF IT?
"SATISFACTION" OR SOMETHING ELSE?

Like my ex did... Tried provoking me... 
AND WHEN I REACTED
HE PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD
FOR REACTING. 

AND AFTER WE BROKE UP, 
HE WANTED TO "FIGHT" ME
IN THE COMMENTS ON MY BLOG... 
UNTIL I DELETED THE POST.

WHEN HE COULD HAVE JUST
LEFT ME ALONE AFTER "FLEEING"
AFTER PUNCHING ME IN THE HEAD?

AND MOVED ON?

INSTEAD OF DOING THAT?
INSTEAD OF BLAMING ME
FOR NOT WANTING THAT?

But he wanted to "fight" me in the comments
BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO REACT
TO HIS COMMENTS... 
OR WHY TRY TO FIGHT ME? AGAIN?

And if he's STILL reading my blog, 
I don't care what he has to say about that.

If he tries to fight me again, in the comments, 
I don't need to give him a reaction. 

But why don't I gaf about that?
Because I don't. He had the choice.

That's what he chose to do.

So should I feel bad that he made the "mistake"?

Mistakes are still based on choices, 
or people wouldn't make them. 
Would they?

I can hope for good outcomes for him. 
As much as I'm disappointed in how things
turned out between him and I... 

I am happy to have the time and space
that I have now, to get myself together, for me. 
Not for anyone. For myself.
I owe it to myself and have owed that for a long time. 
But, I guess I forget sometimes... 

I was going to say that I forgot who I was... On my own... 
Without being anyone's girlfriend.

Without being someone's expectations, or trying to be... 

UNTIL I WANT VERY FKN LITTLE
LIKE THE VERY FKN LEAST THEY COULD DO
FOR ME... 

AND THAT'S ASKING AND WANTING TOO MUCH
FROM ANYONE.

ALWAYS.

BUT WHENEVER I'M FEEL BETTER, 
EVEN OPTIMISTIC... 

PEOPLE WANT TO BE UPSET?
THAT I'M FOCUSED ON MYSELF, 
NOT THEM?

AFTER MAKING IT ABOUT THEM... 
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY WANTED... 
DIDN'T CARE WHAT I WANTED... 

LIKE NOT TO JUST BE WATCHED WORKING
WHEN WE WERE BOTH SUPPOSED TO BE
AND HOW IS THAT FAIR TO ME?

TO BE EXPECTED TO DO MY JOB... 
WITH SOMEONE JUST SITTING THERE
WATCHING ME?

AND DOING IT AT HOME... 
LIKE I WAS THE ONE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING IT ALL. 

AND JUST BECAUSE I WAS DOING IT ALL
BEFORE HE GOT THERE
DOESN'T MEAN HE COULDN'T HAVE
OFFERED TO HELP OUT
WITH CHORES.

INSTEAD OF EXPECTING ME TO DO IT ALL. 

WHILE HE DID WHAT HE WANTED TO DO.

One of my "pet peeves," I guess you could say.

AND CHEWING. 

For whatever reason, it bugs me, that sound. 

If I'm on the bus and anyone behind me, 
the seat right behind me, is making
"mouth noises" I just gotta move. 

BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S
RIGHT IN MY EAR. 

When my ex and I had dinner together, 
I turned on the stereo "to listen to music while we ate."
Because due to having difficulty breathing through his nose, 
which isn't his fault, 
he had to chew with his mouth open. 
I could hear him chewing. 

So I put on some music, to listen to it. 
Over his chewing. 

And I could never figure out why that sound
has gotten to me so much over the years. 

1) It's just a sound. 
2) It doesn't have to bother me

But the literal discomfort when I hear it... 
It even makes my body react. 

If you get it, you get it. 
If you don't, you don't. 

Just saying. 

Anyway, I think I'm running out of things to say. 
I tend to feel better after writing, though. 

There was something I saw, yesterday: 

If your mind is full, write. 
If your mind is empty, read. 
If your mind is racing, walk. 
If your mind is tired, sleep. 
If your mind is focused, build. 

When we have "control" over our minds... 

1) We don't "self-sabotage"
2) We can focus long enough to build. 

Can't really help getting tired, though. 
Tired in general. 

Physically, emotionally, psychologically... 
Not just mentally.. 

Tired of others not considering me, often. 
Not treating me as though I mean something to them. 

BUT SHOULDN'T MATTERING TO MYSELF
MATTER?

BECAUSE I THINK IT SHOULD!