I Got Tired

It took me a long time to even get some stuff set up... 

But, if I work on it a bit, each day, I'll have something set up.
I don't know when, but it'll happen. 

Anyway, I mostly do that. Mostly working on that. 
Trying to move forward. 

A lot of stuff on my mind, still. 

I never expected any of that BS. Y'know?

When it all "started," I thought it was actually going somewhere.

He took a huge risk, though. 

He's over there, because I don't see him the same. 
He knows I don't. 

Even IF I were to have him back in my life, 
which I fkn don't, 
he wouldn't get the version of me
that was open and emotional... 

BECAUSE I KNOW. I SAW ENOUGH.
OF SH*T I CAN'T UNSEE. 
OF WHAT HE FKN CHOSE TO SHOW ME.
OF HIMSELF. 

AND WHO HE WENT TO... 
HE'S TALKING TO... 
TO PAINT HIMSELF AS THE ONE WHO HAD
"THE REASON" TO BE A SH*T.

NOPE. I HADN'T DONE A DAMN THING TO HIM. 

He's trying to forget about what he actually did. 
He wanted me to! Fk that. Why should I?
SO HE COULD DO IT MORE?

HE WANTS THE NARRATIVE
TO HAVE WHOEVER BELIEVES HIM
ON HIS SIDE. 

THEY DON'T REALIZE HOW MUCH OF A SH*T HE WAS
FOR NOTHING. 

AND THEY'LL ONLY TAKE MY PLACE
FOR HIM TO TREAT THEM LIKE THAT... 

The more I reject him, because I really don't fkn want him back... 
The more he'll take it out on someone else. 

Because he's never to blame for any of his sh*t... 
Neither was she... Right?

But all the BS he did to me, he can do to her or whoever else. 

And all the BS she already did to him, she can do again, and keep doing. 

Pretty much that's what it is. 

He used her to get a reaction from me. 
A reaction he didn't get from me. 

The fact that he did that? 
And she thought she WON!!!! LOL!!!!

AND SHE WENT TO THE LENGTH SHE WENT TO
TO "WIN" BY "ANY MEANS."

AND IF HE TRIED TO COME BACK TO ME, 
LIKE HE DID, BEFORE, 

IT'D BE LIKE A "LOSS" FOR HER. 
THAT'S WHAT SHE CARES ABOUT. 

IF HE TRIED COMING BACK TO ME, 
SHE DIDN'T MEAN WHATEVER SHE THOUGHT SHE DID... 

I DIDN'T, EITHER. 
BUT DO I FKN CARE THAT I DIDN'T?

IT USED TO BOTHER ME. SURE. 
DOES IT NOW? NO. 

Because there's nothing real about smoke and mirrors. 

Wouldn't she want something real?

If I want anything, it's either real or it's nothing to fkn want!

Why would I want that sh*t, though?
Play yourself and try to blame me for it?

And then try to turn around, again?

I'm not his fkn scapegoat anymore... 
So who's it going to be, next?

Gotta be someone since he won't fkn own anything. Ever.

Just not me, anymore. 

And now that he can't do that sh*t to me, anymore... 
HE'LL DO THAT SH*T TO SOMEONE ELSE. 

AND WHOEVER IT IS, OVERLOOKED THE BS
HE DID TO ME... 

NOT THAT HE'LL EVER TELL THE TRUTH, 
THE FULL TRUTH ABOUT IT... 

BECAUSE HE'S THE "VICTIM" OF HIS OWN SH*T...

He acts like that because it "works" for him. 
HE GETS SOMETHING OUT OF IT
OR HE WOULDN'T. 

I find it kind of funny, in a way, that he ran right to her
TO GET A REACTION FROM ME. 
NOT BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE THERE.
BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL THE SAME, ANYMORE. 

BECAUSE HAD HE WANTED TO BE WITH HER, 
THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANYTHING|
BETWEEN HIM AND I, 
PERIOD. 

CORRECT?

IF HE WAS HAPPY... 
HE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD ANYTHING WITH ME
UNLESS HE'S JUST A SELFISH POS...

But he knows I don't see him the same. 

And she'll do "whatever" to "keep" him and "win"
BUT I'M THE ONE WHO WON. 

I WON MY LIFE BACK. 
I WON MYSELF BACK. 

I'm slowly getting my sanity back... 

I won my time back. From being wasted. On that sh*t. 

I'm only trying to get this sh*t out of my system. 

But if he's using her, she'll realize it. Eventually. 
I'd be p*ssed if I were her. 

I mean, if being used means she "wins,"
she can "win" all she wants. 

He can try to paint me as something I'm not, and never was, 
all that he wants to... 

But, he's the one who slammed the door in his own face. 
Many times. With me. 

She can take my place as the scapegoat. 
THE VERBAL ABUSE PUNCHING BAG. 

BUT NO TURNING BACK. 

HE GETS TO BLAME ALL HIS BS ON HER OR WHOEVER ELSE.

HE WILL TRY UNTIL PEOPLE DON'T FKN ALLOW IT.
I'M NOT ALLOWING IT. 

I HAD HOPE THAT HE'D GROW TF UP... BUT DID HE?

SHE IGNORED HIS BS BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT SHE WON. 
CONGRATS! WON SOME BS.

IF YOU WIN SOME BS, YOU FKN LOST...

SHE JUST WANTS TO TRY TO STOP HIM
FROM TRYING TO COME BACK TO ME. 

AND HE DIDN'T GET THE REACTION HE WANTED.
BECAUSE WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?

"DO WHAT I GOTTA DO TO WIN"... OKAY. YOU DO YOU.

BECAUSE IF HE TRIED TO COME BACK MY WAY,
IT'D MEAN SHE DIDN'T MEAN WHAT SHE THOUGHT SHE DID!

Knowing this, how can I be mad that I'm not getting the BS anymore?

She doesn't want to let go, though.
Because if she did, he'd try to come back. 

HE HAS, BEFORE.
AFTER THE FIRST FKN TIME.

SHE KNOWS IT. 
"CAUGHT US TALKING"
BECAUSE SHE READ OUR CONVOS. 
WHILE WE WERE HAVING THEM. 

AND I WAS THE ONE HE WAS STAYING WITH. 
AND SHE WENT BEHIND HIS BACK
TO FORCE HIM OUT OF THERE. 

BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T HANDLE IT. 
NOT KNOWING WHAT WE WERE DOING.... 
TOGETHER.... 

WE COULDN'T EVEN TALK
WITHOUT HER INTERRUPTING. 
IT WAS THAT FKN BAD... 

WHY WOULD I WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT?
WITH HIM LETTING HER DO THAT SH*T?

JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO?

AND ANY TIME I BROUGHT IT UP, 
I WAS THE "ENEMY"
FOR JUST FKN BRINGING IT UP!

LIKE HE'D HAVE HAD A RIGHT TO BRING IT UP, 
TO ME, IF I LET SOMEONE ACT LIKE THAT... 

IF SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO DO THAT SH*T... 

But it's like this... Even if he KNEW I would (I won't)
but even IF he KNEW I'd let him back in my life... 

HE KNOWS IT WOULDN'T EVER BE
THE WAY IT COULD HAVE BEEN
BECAUSE OF HOW HE HANDLED IT. 

HOW HE HANDLED ME... 
WITH DISRESPECT. 

After ruining it. 

So whatever "narrative" he wants to "spin"... 
He can do that all he wants. I know he is. 

HE DID THAT SH*T WITH ME. 

ACTING LIKE HE WAS DONE WITH HER, 
COMING TOWARDS ME... 

TALKING TO ME ABOUT HER
LIKE HE'S TALKING ABOUT ME... 

NOT TALKING ABOUT HOW HE SLAMMED THE DOOR
RIGHT IN HIS OWN FACE... 

HE'LL SAY WHATEVER TO PAINT ME AS WHATEVER
MAKES HIMSELF LOOK "BETTER."

BUT HE WENT TO HER TO TRY TO HURT ME. 
NOT BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE THERE. 

OR WHY WOULD HE HAVE BOTHERED
TALKING SH*T TO ME ABOUT HER? RIGHT?

FOR "SYMPATHY" FROM ME?
LIKE HE WANTS TO TRY TO GET FROM WHOEVER?

What I don't have the time for is anyone
who'd want to try to make me feel "unworthy."

AND PLAY GAMES. LIKE HE DOES.

Am I angry? I was. I really fkn was. 

I'm happy now that I pulled myself out of that "situation."

I WASN'T FKN HAPPY! WHY WOULD I BE?

LIFE'S TOO SHORT TO BE FKN MISERABLE. 

TO BE ANYONE'S FKN PUNCHING BAG. 

AND WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO FKN LEARN THINGS
THEY SHOULD ALREADY FKN KNOW... 

WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR HIM
TO NOT TO TRY TO COME BACK TO ME, THOUGH, LOL. 

But not having any more access to me
tends to p*ss people off. 

EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE THEMSELVES TO BLAME FOR THAT!

That female who keeps sending me links after stonewalling me, twice... 
She "liked" one of my pictures for the first time in over a year lol. 

STILL HASN'T SAID ANYTHING TO ME... 

BUT "LIKING" MY PICTURE MUST BE SOME SORT OF WAY
TO GET MY "ATTENTION."

WHICH SHE SEEMS TO WANT BACK.

WHEN SHE COULD JUST SAY SOMETHING?
"HEY, THINKING OF YOU. HOW ARE YOU?"

BUT FORCE PEOPLE TO "MOVE ON"
AND THEY WILL WHAT? MOVE ON!

ANYONE TRYING TO STOP ME? NO?

But she'll keep sending me links. Nothing else. 
And starting to "like" my pictures... 

BECAUSE SHE WANTS ME TO SEE THAT SHE DID. 
SHE WANTS ME TO LIKE HERS, PROBABLY. 
I HAVEN'T. 

HAVEN'T BEEN INTERACTING WITH HER. 
NOT MUCH SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW HER. 

BUT WHEN PEOPLE KNOW IT WOULDN'T BE THE SAME, 
THEY KNOW IT WOULDN'T BE. 

EVEN IF THEY REGRET LETTING EVERYONE ELSE
"RUN THE SHOW"
WHEN IT CAME TO ME... 

INSTEAD OF WHAT? CHOOSING FOR THEMSELVES!
DOING WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN "RIGHT."

NOT BEING A SH*T. 
GIVING ME THE RESPECT I FKN DESERVED. 

THE RESPECT I GAVE. UNTIL I STOPPED
GIVING A SH*T. 

I ONLY STOPPED GIVING A SH*T
BECAUSE IT WAS SHOWN TO ME
THEY DIDN'T GAF.

WHICH I HAD ENOUGH OF. 
WOULDN'T YOU?

BUT WHAT THEY DON'T FKN SEE
WAS HOW IT WAS FOR ME. 

AND HOW IT WAS FOR ME, 
CAN EASILY BE HOW IT IS FOR THEM, NEXT.

AND WHEN SOMEONE ELSE
WAS ONLY TO GET A REACTION OUT OF ME... 

AND WASN'T ACTUALLY WANTED
OR WINNING FKN ANYTHING... 

THAT'D FKN HURT. 

SO WHY BE MAD?

It did sting to be treated like that... 
Especially when I never thought he'd be like that... 
To me... 

HE CAN BE A SH*T TO SOMEONE ELSE.

AND CAN JUST BE TF AWAY FROM ME.
SHE CAN TAKE MY PLACE AS THE PUNCHING BAG.
GLADLY.

Be. My. Guest.

I'm going to go help my friend, tomorrow. 
He's moving out of the city. 

Next month. 

Been helping him pack and stuff like that. 

Actually, wanted an excuse to help him clean. 

He gave me a bunch of clothes he doesn't want to take. 

I'm picking up more tomorrow. 

I have to wash it. It smells like smoke. 

A smoker doesn't smell it. 
I didn't smell it when I used to smoke. 

Any "fabric" in a smoker's home smells like smoke. 

Including furniture. 

I'm really liking one of the hoodies he gave me. 
I can't zip it up, though, the zipper's broken. 

I think he broke it, and tried to fix it, 
because the zipper pull part is upside down. 

Anyway, he's moving out there to be close to his grandchildren. 

I'll have some time to get a few things done, before I go. 
What I really want to do is get my form to work, again, 
I put a form in my sidebar of my other site. 

So far, I have a subscriber!
I made the form redirect to a vault page. 

Like giving them instant access for subscribing... 

I made a huge document about making plugins... 
It's filled with programming code
for all the functions it has... 

It's really fkn cool... 

It's just that I'm not a programmer or developer... 

While I'd love to build something like that... 

I'm afraid of breaking my site. 
By adding something that wasn't developed properly... 

Or trying to add it... 

I'm kinda comfortable with html and css... 

Javascript's a b*tch.

Php? Fuq dat sh*t... 
At least for now. 

I kinda need Php for building what I want to build. 

So I've been dragging my feet about it, 
but I started gathering the scripts for it... 

I've got like 75 steps already put into writing. 

What I'd have to do is join each part together, into one thing... 

All the snippets into one code block... 

There's some database stuff in there... Fuq dat sh*t too, for now.

I'm not a fan of that sh*t. 

Let's just say I barely have the patience for javascript. 

Anyway, I'm tired. Good night.