Smoky Air

Air quality sucks lately.
Feeling it in my lungs, plus smoking so much...

My neighbor's YT channel is "getting there."
Adding stuff...

With chatgpt to ask stuff... It makes it easier.
To come up with topics and subjects, 
and talking points...

Plus, he knows a lot of stuff so I introduced him
to Quora.

And I'm going to link all his bios to his website.

I have stuff planned out...
Just getting the time to just do that stuff.

I have to do other things, too,
like personal stuff. Besides this.

When I'm trying to get him to do something, 
he drags his feet and says "tomorrow"
when I could be doing other stuff.
My own stuff.

It's because he gets lazy and doesn't want to.
"Doesn't feel like it." Or he'd do it.
And not give excuses and make me wait.

And stretch it out to take more of my time
that I could be using to do other things.

Instead of trying to treat me like a personal assistant.

I am a person who has a life, too.

Just because I'm helping doesn't mean
that I want to do everything all the time.

Doesn't mean I have all the time in the world
to wait until they feel like doing it.

Something that takes less than 5 minutes to do.

Just because I've been doing xyz for you...
Doesn't mean you can't do it yourself.

TO EVEN GIVE ME A BREAK
FROM "HAVING TO" DO IT
BECAUSE YOU GIVE EXCUSES NOT TO DO IT...

I DON'T LIKE IT.

Sure, I can be "relied" on to do things.

Doesn't mean I want to keep doing xyz, forever.

But even the fact I was willing to do xyz...
They seem to take that for granted.

BECAUSE THEY NEED TO REALIZE
I DON'T HAVE TO BE DOING IT.

I COULD BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE, 
FOR MYSELF.

NOT FOR THEM.

But what bothered me... Is when someone tries to "break" me
AND WAS "GETTING SOMETHING" OUT OF IT
OR WHY FKN DO IT?

AND THEN GETS MAD AT ME
FOR REALIZING THEY WERE TRYING TO FKN DO THAT SH*T.

AND LOSING ANY RESPECT I HAD FOR THEM
FOR TRYING TO FKN DO THAT SH*T.

AND TO DO THAT SH*T ONCE? LET ALONE REPEATEDLY?
THAT BS SHOULD BE EMBARRASSING.

AND EVEN IF THERE'S ANY GUILT OR SHAME
FOR DOING THAT SH*T, ZERO REMORSE.

REMORSE COMES FROM REALIZING CERTAIN THINGS
THAT HAD THEY ALREADY REALIZED, 
THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANY BS...

CERTAIN THINGS THEY LITERALLY REFUSED TO REALIZE
AND BLAME ME FOR REFUSING TO.

How do you like that, eh?

Being blamed that someone wanted to refuse to realize something...
THAT HAD THEY REALIZED
A LONG TIME AGO...
NONE OF THAT SH*T
WOULD HAVE GONE THE WAY IT DID, 
BECAUSE OF ALL THE INTENTIONAL BS...

AND RESENTED THAT I REALIZED IT.
AND BROUGHT UP SOME FACTS
THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE FKN HAD TO...

What happens when you refuse to realize stuff?

IT TAKES YOU LONGER THAN IT SHOULD, 
TO REALIZE IT.

AND IS IT SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT
IF YOU CHOOSE TO REFUSE TO?

OR IS IT YOUR FAULT?
YOUR OWN FAULT?

SO BLAMING ME
FOR SOMETHING THAT IS YOUR OWN FAULT
DOES WHAT?

Am I supposed to have respect for that?
Am I supposed to find that attractive?
Am I supposed to find that intelligent?

Would you?

Would you respect that?
Is that attractive to you?
Is that intelligent to you?

I don't and it's neither to me.

But saying this is "immasculating"
to someone who was so insecure they TRIED
TO MAKE ME FEEL INSECURE.

ONCE I REALIZED THAT SH*T WAS INTENTIONAL
AND IT WASN'T GOING TO "STOP"
EVEN THOUGH IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE STARTED...

WHY FKN CONTINUE?

BECAUSE IT MADE HIM FEEL "POWERFUL"
THAT I WANTED "MORE" WITH HIM
THAN HE HAD THE BALLS TO
BRING TO THE TABLE?

AND HE COULD "LET ME" BE WITH HIM
IF HE WANTED TO... 

OR WHATEVER HIS FKD UP THINKING WAS.

"WHOOPS!"

MAYBE SHOULD HAVE TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT
THAT I'D FIND THIS BS GROSS.

IMAGINE HAVING A CHANCE... A GOOD CHANCE...
MULTIPLE CHANCES....

AND FKING UP SO BADLY THAT YOU DON'T GET ANOTHER.

AND THEN BLAMING THE PERSON
WHO STOPPED GIVING YOU CHANCES.

AFTER YOU WASTED THEM.

"WHOOPS!"

Should have taken your chances seriously?
MADE THEM COUNT?

IS IT MY FAULT YOU CHOSE TO BE ABOUT BS?

THERE ARE TIMES I REGRET GIVING ANYONE CHANCES.
BECAUSE THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD JUST ONE, 
OR NONE AT ALL.

SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVING MYSELF CHANCES.
AND OPPORTUNITIES.

NOT WASTING THEM ON ANYONE
WHO'D WASTE THEM.

In a way, I having a higher self-esteem due to people
WHO INTENTIONALLY TRIED TO BREAK ME LOL.

IT WASN'T JUST THAT I HAD TO OVERCOME THE FACT
THAT THEY EVEN WANTED TO DO IT.

TO SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT SH*T TO THEM...

I guess, some small way or part... That "hurts" but not as much
AS ANYONE WANTED IT TO.

THE FACT THEY WANTED IT TO, THOUGH...
LITERALLY WANTED ME TO AND EXPECTED ME
TO SUFFER...

EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY
OVER IT, TOO...

WANTED IT TO AFFECT ME
IN WHATEVER WAYS...

Having to be "stronger" than that.

If it did to me what they wanted it to...
I'd had started drinking again...

WHICH WAS PART OF IT.
TO TRY TO GET ME TO RELAPSE.
DISGUSTING.

No, been through too much sh*t to relapse.

Going through sh*t, or being "put through it"
REPEATEDLY...
INTENTIONALLY...

ISN'T ANY EXCUSE TO "RELAPSE."

BUT TRYING TO "PUSH ME INTO IT..."
THAT'S GROSS.

YOU CAN'T "PUSH ME INTO IT..."
BECAUSE IT'S BEEN MY CHOICE.

SO TRYING TO DO IT....
LOOKS LIKE WHAT?

LOOKS LIKE A PIECE OF SH*T
BEING A PIECE OF SH*T.

TRYING TO "AFFECT" SOMEONE
SO DEEPLY, LIKE THAT...

LOOKS LIKE THAT, TO ME.

PIECES OF SH*T
BEING PIECES OF SH*T
IS JUST GROSS, TO ME.

I mean, I guess you can say it's natural...

Pieces of sh*t
don't know how to be anything other
than pieces of sh*t, right?

SO THEN... TO GIVE A POS
A CHANCE TO BE SOMETHING OTHER
THAN A POS ...
IS WHAT? 

PRODUCTIVE?

BUT MAYBE I WAS HOPING...
SOMETHING LIKE:

"DEEP DOWN, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT A POS.
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE ONE, 
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ONE.
SO MAYBE, YOU CAN JUST STOP BEING ONE.
BECAUSE YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE BETTER.
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, XYZ..."

MAYBE I WAS HOPING:

"I'M GOING TO SHOW HER, 
I WANT TO SHOW HER,

THAT I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO BE A POS.
THAT I REGRET EVER BEING A POS.
BECAUSE I NEVER HAD TO BE A POS.

I WANT TO BE, TO HER, 
THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE BEEN, TO HER.

TO VALUE HER, IN MY LIFE."

AND HAVE THEM REALIZE:

"BUT I WASTED EVERY CHANCE SHE GAVE ME
TO SHOW HER THAT.

TO SHOW HER ANYTHING

OTHER THAN I WAS TOO BUSY BEING A POS
THAT SHE LOST RESPECT FOR ME."

BUT TO TRY TO KEEP ME
HANGING ONTO HOPE
"THINGS WILL CHANGE"
WHEN IF HE WANTED THINGS TO BE GOOD
AND TREATED ME WELL
THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD?

HE KNOWS THAT AND HE KNOWS THAT I KNOW.

AND HE KNOWS I SEE WHAT HE CHOSE INSTEAD OF THAT.
MORE THAN ONCE.

Everyone who chose other than that
should know I see that they chose that.

Instead of:
"She's still "hopeful" I can keep playing games until she gets tired and walks away...
She won't walk away, if she was going to...
SHE WOULD HAVE ALREADY..."

I SHOULD HAVE! LONG BEFORE MOST OF IT.

EVEN TO MAKE A POINT.

A POINT THAT IDGAF IF HE GETS
OR ANYONE ELSE GETS.

BUT TO BE TREATED LIKE I HAVE A RIGHT TO
WALK TF AWAY...

COULDN'T EVEN TREAT ME
LIKE I HAD THE RIGHT TO!!!!

BECAUSE I FKN DO!

HE DOES, IF I DID THAT SH*T TO HIM.
WHICH I WOULDN'T.

BECAUSE I DON'T DO SH*T LIKE THAT...

EVEN THE MOST TOXIC SH*T 
I EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE
IS NO EXCUSE TO DO THAT SH*T.

NO "TRAUMA" IS AN "EXCUSE"
FOR INTENTIONALLY DOING THAT SH*T.

AND NO REASON TO "ACCEPT" THAT SH*T.

OR "TOLERATE" IT.

JUST BECAUSE "HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE."
THAT'S BS.

"HURT PEOPLE" DON'T FKN HAVE TO HURT ANYONE.
THEY FKN CHOOSE TO DO IT.

TO TRY TO GET SOMETHING FROM IT
OR WHY FKN DO THAT SH*T?

SO, NO. NOT GIVING THEM THE "PLEASURE"
OF DOING IT ANYMORE. FUQ DAT.

I WASN'T PUT HERE FOR ANYONE
TO TAKE OUT THEIR SH*T ON.

WHETHER THEY NEED TO WAKE UP, GROW UP, 
LEVEL UP, MAN UP, OR WHATEVER THE CASE...

POWER UP...

NOT YOUR FKN SUPPLY.
GO TRY TO DRAIN SOMEONE ELSE.

Just took me too long to realize some things I needed to, too.

I was refusing to realize some things, too. 

About what was actually happening, why, 
WHAT NOT TO FKN PUT UP WITH...
OR WHY TO STOP GIVING CHANCES...

WHY TO JUST BE COOL WITH SAYING: NO.

NEVER THOUGHT THE ONE YOU REJECTED
WOULD TURN AROUND TO REJECT YOU, RIGHT?

NEVER THOUGHT THEY HAD THE POWER TO DO THAT?
THAT THEY FINALLY ACCEPTED THEMSELVES
LIKE YOU NEVER WANTED THEM TO...

BECAUSE IF I NEVER DID...
IT'D JUST BE ONE BIG FKN CYCLE

OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE
I NEVER FKN DESERVED.

INTENTIONAL. FFS.

AND IT WOULDN'T HAVE STOPPED.
IT WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN BETTER.

I WOULD HAVE BEEN "DENIED"
THE ONE THING I WANTED, 
THEY KNEW I WANTED
TO HOLD OVER MY FKN HEAD...
LIKE A FKN JOKE.

DISGUSTING.

THAT'S ALL IT WOULD HAVE BEEN.
A GAME, A JOKE.

FUNNY WHEN I STOP PLAYING?
WHEN THEY REALIZE I'M NOT PLAYING?

AND JUST BECAUSE SOME POS
ISN'T TAKING ME SERIOUSLY

DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T TAKE MYSELF SERIOUSLY.

STARTING WITH REALIZING
I NEVER HAD TO FEEL
ANY TYPE OF WAY
SOME POS WANTED ME TO FEEL.

HE CAN GO FK HIMSELF.

Funny to think back on him saying he has FOMO.

MISSING OUT ON WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
HAD HE NOT CHOSEN TO BE A POS.

AND THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.