Only Be

Sometimes it's hard to sleep.
I try getting myself tired, but it doesn't work. 

The meds I took that used to knock me out...
Take too long to knock me out.

Being exhausted and drugged up gets annoying.
I just get cranky and lose my functionality
until I actually pass out. It sucks.

Ended up asking myself:
"Are you actually sad? Or are you just tired?"

There's a thing for babies called HALT.

Hungry, Something that starts with A, 
Lonely, Tired.

Not lonely. I haven't had a day alone in a while.

My neighbor wants to chill every day.

Sure, he can have a day here and there, 
but I actually have stuff to do
THAT I WANT TO DO.

SOLO STUFF.

Like working on my website stuff. 

Art stuff... Just stuff I like to do, alone.

The thing about being alone...

I used to hate it. Especially when I was a kid. 

I was always the odd one out, though.

"I'll play with A*** if there's nobody else."
That kind of sh*t.

IT USED TO FEEL REALLY SH*TTY.

BUT ANYONE SHALLOW ENOUGH
TO JUST BE "LIKE THAT"...

WHAT GOOD WERE THEY TO ME, ANYWAY?

NOT THAT IT WAS ABOUT THAT.

It was supposed to be about "fitting in" and all of that.
I just didn't. 

And it used to bother me that I didn't. 

I'm glad I didn't. 

BECAUSE TO "FIT IN" I'D HAVE TO BE
"LIKE THAT."

WHY TF WOULD I WANT TO?

TO "FIT IN"?!

I wish I never cared about that sh*t tbh.

I wish a lot of things...

But I made choices...
And failed to make other choices.

I guess you can say that I chose not to choose...

Maybe, because of having very little choice
when it came to a lot of things...

I just resigned to a lot of stuff. 

And I didn't see what kind of choices I actually had.
That I could make. For myself. 

For years I was in relationships
THAT WENT NOWHERE.

STRUNG ALONG TOO MUCH.

TO THE POINT I PROBABLY DID IT TO MYSELF.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE TO "STAY"
HOPING FOR THINGS TO CHANGE.

HOPING TO BE TREATED BETTER.

LIKE I MEANT SOMETHING...

I COULD HAVE BEEN TREATING MYSELF
LIKE I MEANT SOMETHING.

MAYBE IT TAKES ACTUALLY DOING IT
TO FEEL LIKE IT.

If you let someone else tell you your worth, 
they'll tell you.

Even if they're projecting insecurities and bs at you...
BECAUSE THEY'LL TRY TO DO IT.
IF YOU LET THEM. 

What mirror smasher used to say...
"You're immasculating me."

Nope. 

Be so damn secure, 
THAT SOMEONE ELSE'S CONFIDENCE/
STRENGTH, WHATEVER...

SAYS NOTHING TO YOU ABOUT YOU.

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD IT?

If he was so secure, in himself...
WHY TRY TO BOOST HIMSELF UP
WITH EGO TRIPS?

He'd be so secure that nothing I said
would have made him feel any type of way...

He's the kind of guy
WHO LITERALLY GHOSTED ME
FOR SOMEONE ELSE....

AND WHEN I DO IT, 
FOR MYSELF...

HE GETS MAD?

WHO FKN WALKED AWAY FIRST?

BECAUSE I SAID THINGS THAT WERE TRUE?

SHOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN ME ANYTHING TO CALL OUT.

AND IF YOU'RE NOT A "MAN" WITHOUT YOUR EGO, 
ASK YOURSELF WHAT YOUR DEFINITION IS.

BECAUSE TRYING TO "BREAK" ME DIDN'T WORK.
WHOOPS! SHOULDN'T HAVE TRIED THAT.

Because when someone actually F*CKING CARES ABOUT YOU...
MAYBE YOU COULD APPRECIATE THEM.

FOR CARING ABOUT YOU, TRYING FOR YOU, 
BEING THERE... FOR WHO? YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND IF YOU WANT TO SH*T ON THEM...

DON'T EXPECT THEM TO WANT TO
"STAY"
FOR MORE OF THAT SH*T.

WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO?

Anyway, I know I should be over it.

I am moving on. I don't want to talk to the guy.

EVERY TIME I WANTED TO TALK...
HE HAD TO GO OUT OF HIS WAY
TO MAKE IT A HUGE FKN HASSLE.

SO WHY?

WOULD YOU WANT TO? AFTER THAT?

PROBABLY NOT.

SO HE CAN'T AND SHOULDN'T EXPECT ME TO
EVER WANT TO EVER AGAIN. 

How can someone who wanted so very little to do with me
AND WANTED TO SH*T ON ME...

BE FKN MAD AT ME
THAT HE DOESN'T FKN GET TO?

THAT'D BE LIKE ME DOING EVERYTHING HE DID, TO ME, 
TO HIM...

AND BEING MAD AT HIM

FOR WALKING TF AWAY.

AND WHEN SOMEONE THINKS YOU'RE ALWAYS 
GOING TO BE THERE...

EVEN IF THEY TREAT YOU LIKE SH*T....

CHANCES ARE, THEY WON'T APPRECIATE YOU.

Most of my "friends" are like that...
THINKING I'M JUST ALWAYS GOING TO BE THERE...

BECAUSE I WAS THERE... FOR YEARS.

WAITING TO BE TREATED BETTER...
BY LIKE 99.9% OF THE PEOPLE "IN" MY LIFE.

UNTIL, NOPE!

WHY SHOULD I BE WAITING FOR THAT?
JUST THAT?

I'll bring it up, again, because it's an example
of the sh*t I "go through" with people
WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER
THAN TO BE "PUTTING ME THROUGH FKN ANYTHING."

Mister "I forgot you were here."

We go for months without seeing each other
WHEN HE COULD PICK UP THE PHONE.
AND ASK ME HOW I'M DOING...

HE COULD HAVE INVITED ME TO HIS "NEW" PLACE
WAY BEFORE HE ACTUALLY LET ME, ONCE.

AND HE WAS "KINDA HOPING" TO GET LAID FFS.

WHERE TF WERE YOU FOR FKN MONTHS?
AND YOU WERE KINDA HOPING TO GET LAID?!

The dude can't remember MY BIRTHDAY
AND MAKES EXCUSES NOT TO REMEMBER
THAT ONE THING ABOUT ME.

"I DON'T KNOW ANYONE'S BIRTHDAY."
IF HE WANTED TO KNOW, HE'D KNOW.

HE'S KNOWN ME FOR OVER 15 YEARS...
BUT CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO
REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY.

AND WHEN I WANTED TO GO DO SOMETHING...
ON MY BIRTHDAY, HE WOULDN'T ASK HIS NEIGHBOR
TO COME PICK ME UP...

HE CALLED HIM TO HELP HIM WHEN HIS CAR BROKE DOWN
WHICH WAS HIS REASON
HE COULDN'T CHILL WITH ME
ON MY BIRTHDAY.

HE COULD HAVE, HAD HE WANTED TO.
BUT COOL TO JUST LEAVE ME HANGING... 

AND THEN, MONTHS LATER...
WHEN HE FINALLY BRINGS ME TO HIS "NEW PLACE"
HE F*CKING WAS "HOPING" TO GET LAID FFS.

AND WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO...
HE WAS STILL TRYING TO TALK ME INTO IT.

LIKE GIVING ME REASONS WHY WE SHOULD FFS.

IF I WANTED TO, HE'D KNOW ABOUT IT.

IF I SAID I DON'T WANT TO... I DON'T.

WHAT'S "ATTRACTIVE" TO ME
ABOUT NOT TALKING TO ME FOR MONTHS?
REFUSING TO REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY?
GIVING ME EXCUSES?

Just... Not cool. 

But that's an example
OF HOW I'VE BEEN TREATED.

LIKE I DON'T EXIST UNLESS I HAVE SOMETHING
THEY WANT.

WHICH COULD BE SOMETHING
LIKE A PIECE OF @SS

AND THAT'S ALL I'D HAVE BEEN.

BECAUSE HE WANTED AN ARRANGEMENT.

WE BARELY HAVE A FRIENDSHIP.
HOW CAN WE?
WHEN DO WE SEE EACH OTHER?

HE HAS A PHONE.
HE COULD PICK IT UP...

"BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE SPOKE..."
AND WHO'S FAULT IS THAT?

I STOPPED REACHING OUT TO HIM. 

THE PHONE WORKS BOTH WAYS.

I'M NOT A B00TY CALL.

Once, we almost h00ked up.

But I was "wtf are you doing, A***?"

So I stopped myself from taking it "further."

But I guess he told at least one guy...
That he and I h00ked up.

I know he did because he got caught about it.

He had the guy on speaker phone...

"Do you remember A***?"
"The one you h00ked up with?"

How does telling someone that you h00ked up
WHEN YOU FKN DIDN'T
MAKE SOMEONE WANT TO H00K UP?

EVEN IF WE DID, DIDN'T, BUT...
IF WE HAD...

HE'D HAVE TOLD THAT GUY...
WHOEVER ELSE HE TOLD
OR WHATEVER HE SAID...
TO WHOEVER...

TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW ME...

BUT THEY "KNOW" WE "H00KED UP" THOUGH?

AND THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME "LIKE THAT"
AND THINKING ABOUT THAT?!

LIKE WTF?!

HOW DOES THAT MAKE ME WANT TO?

But "all of a sudden" I'd "see more of" him
IF I'D SAID YES TO HIS ARRANGEMENT.

AND TRIED TO "MAKE ME FEEL BAD"
ABOUT IT "DRIVING HIM CRAZY"
BECAUSE HE THOUGHT TOO HARD
AND TOO LONG ABOUT IT...

BUT NOT ABOUT ME
AND WHAT I WANTED.

Like I wanted to just chill ffs.

Not be propositioned. For one.

Not to be thought of as a potential "arrangement."

OR GUILT TRIPPED ABOUT IT DRIVING HIM CRAZY...

BECAUSE THAT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY!!!!
IT'S HIS.

It'd be like this... The other way around...
It would look a lot like

ME NOT PRIORITIZING HIM, 
EVEN AS A FRIEND...

INVITING HIM OVER...
AND THEN INVITING OTHER PEOPLE OVER...

IGNORING HIM TO HIS FACE
TO THE POINT I FORGOT I WAS THERE...

AND THE NEXT TIME I SEE HIM I WANNA BOINK?!

AND THEN HE FINDS OUT THAT I TOLD A FRIEND
THAT WE DID WHEN WE DIDN'T...

DID HE CARE THAT MAYBE I WANTED
TO KEEP THAT BETWEEN HIM AND I?

AND WHO ELSE DID HE TELL?
AND WHAT DID HE SAY?

I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE TOLD ANYONE.

Should I care? We didn't have s3x.

But now I have some kind of a "rep"
because of whatever he said...

Thanks. Y'know?

Thanks for at least keeping 
MY PRIVATE LIFE PRIVATE.

FOR RESPECTING ME ENOUGH TO KNOW
THAT I PROBABLY WANTED THAT.

BUT NOT THINKING ENOUGH ABOUT ME
TO THINK THAT I'D PROBABLY WANT THAT.

RIGHT?

AND LETTING ME WANT THE MOST
BASIC OF THINGS...

AFTER STUFF LIKE THAT, THOUGH, 
WHY WOULD I WANT TO H00K UP?

WHAT'S ATTRACTIVE ABOUT THAT?

BUT I'M A PIECE OF @SS, I GUESS.
NOT AN ACTUAL, REAL, PERSON.

WHO'D WANT THE SAME AS HIM...
BASIC RESPECT...

I'm bringing up that stuff as an example
OF HOW MY "FRIENDS"
COULD HAVE TREATED ME
SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!!!
THAN THAT!!!!!!!!!!

BUT CHOSE NOT TO!!!!!!!

AND THEN GET MAD
THAT THEY HAD ALL KINDS OF TIME...

WHILE I WAS WAITING FOR THEM
TO JUST TREAT ME BETTER....

LIKE I FKN MATTER TO THEM
AS A PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT ONLY WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING!!!!!
FROM ME!!!!!!

WHEN WHAT DID I GET?
SILENCE? DISTANCE?
DISAPPOINTMENT?

AFTER NOT SEEING ME FOR MONTHS....
HE INVITES OTHERS OVER...

JUST TO IGNORE ME
AND TOLD ME HE CAN'T
JUST DO THAT TO THEM!!!!

BUT CHOSE TO DO IT TO ME!!!!

And I saw him the once after that...
AND THAT'S WHAT I GOT.

LIKE THAT WAS OKAY TO DO.

And had I h00ked up with that guy...
HE WOULD HAVE WOKEN UP NEXT TO ME
SAYING:
"I FORGOT YOU WERE HERE."

And it wouldn't have happened...

BUT I'M SAYING:
HOW CAN YOU LITERALLY FORGET ABOUT ME...
INVITE OTHERS OVER 
WHEN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME FOR MONTHS....

YOU SEE EVERYONE ELSE.

AND THEN NOT SEE ME FOR MONTHS AFTER THAT...
NOT EVEN APOLOGIZE FOR THAT...

AND THEN TRY TO TALK ME INTO HAVING
AN ARRANGEMENT?!?!

DA FUQ!!!!!

AND LEAVING ME HANGING ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!???

No, bro! Just fkn no.

But what I'm also saying...
IS EVERYONE "IN" MY LIFE
COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER, TO ME.
EVEN FOR ME.

TO CALL THEMSELF A FRIEND.

BUT WHENEVER THEY "NEEDED" ME...
OR "WANTED" WHATEVER IT WAS....

THEN COME DIRECTLY TO ME. RIGHT?
EVEN PUT ME ON THE SPOT?

EVEN TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD
ABOUT SAYING NO?

AND EVEN WHEN I DO SAY NO...

THEY HAVE TO UNDERSTAND WHY.

EVEN AFTER LEAVING ME HANGING
ON MY FKN BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

HAD HE WANTED TO SEE ME, 
HE WOULD HAVE, RIGHT?

IF WE HAD AN "ARRANGEMENT"
HE'D HAVE THE "MOTIVATION" RIGHT?

BUT CAN'T HE "GET" WHY
I WOULDN'T WANT THAT?

Why tf do I have to "explain" this sh*t.

"Explain" why tf this sh*t's gross af.
And unattractive, to me.

Just one fkn day of the year. Just one.
My birthday.

I didn't make other plans, 
because he and I were going to chill.

AND HAD HE WANTED TO SEE ME, 
HE WOULD HAVE SEEN ME.

SO, NOW, I DON'T WANT TO CHILL ANYMORE.
I USED TO...

BUT LOOK WHAT HAPPENS.

HE LEAVES ME FEELING
LIKE HE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE
WHAT I WANTED.

BASIC RESPECT.

Does anyone, though?
HAD THEY CARED WHAT I WANTED...
WHICH WAS VERY FKN LITTLE....

NOT TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED.....
JUST THAT.

But it seems "always being there"
gets people thinking that you always will be
NO MATTER WHAT.

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE FKN JUST
"GOING AWAY"
NOT TELLING ANYONE ANYTHING...
JUST FKN GOING.

And letting them "miss" whatever ABOUT me.

Because it's those things, not ME.

If it was ME, I'd be getting the calls.
I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN LEFT HANGING
ON MY FKN BIRTHDAY...

I WOULD HAVE HAD THE TIME.
ALL OF IT.

NOT JUST IF THERE WAS "NOBODY ELSE."

I'D BE TREATED FAIR AND WITH RESPECT.
WITH DIGNITY, EVEN.

BUT IT'S NOT, NEVER WAS.

And then they can all "miss" me when I'm gone...

BUT THEY'D MISS WHAT I BROUGHT, WITH ME.
NOT ME.

I had a stupid "arrangement" once.

The guy said to me:
"I miss your feet."

DID HE TELL ME HE MISSED ME? NO!
HE MISSED MY FKN FEET!!!!!!

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I WAS TO HIM.
THE ARRANGEMENT WAS ALL I WAS.

SO WHY TF WOULD I DO THAT AGAIN?

THEY ALL COULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT DID THEY CHOOSE TO?????!!!!

SO WHY GET MAD AT ME
FOR TREATING MYSELF BETTER
BY NOT LETTING ANYONE TREAT ME LIKE THAT?
EVER AGAIN?

AND WHY TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD
FOR NOT WANTING THAT?

FOR NOT WANTING YET SOMEONE ELSE
TO TRY TO BE FK SELFISH.

AND GREEDY.

BECAUSE THE ARRANGEMENT
WOULD JUST BE "H00KING UP"

BUT THAT WOULD BE TO TRY TO
PREVENT ME FROM "FINDING"
SOMEONE WHO'D ACTUALLY TREAT ME
BETTER!!!!!!!!!!

LIKE THEY DON'T WANT TO FKN SHOW UP
BUT DON'T WANT ME WITH SOMEONE
WHO WOULD, FOR ME?!!!!

DA FUQ KIND OF SELFISH BS IS THAT?!!!!

Hear what I'm saying, though?

I can do better than that!
(If I want to).

I just got so fkn turned off by all kinds of BS...
That I don't want anything, anymore.

What I've wanted is so damn rare...

BUT WHAT ISN'T RARE
IS A BUNCH OF SELFISH BS.

What do you think I'll end up finding?
If I was to look for it?
Which I'm not, anymore...

My neighbor has got to stop calling me baby, though.
He did it in front of people, by accident.

Second time.

I'm so turned off and disappointed...
That I can't see myself being turned on...

Sadly, basic respect shouldn't be something
to fight for and argue for.

BUT WHEN I STOP DEALING WITH SOMEONE
IT'S LIKELY BECAUSE THEY LOST MY RESPECT
AND I'M REFUSING TO WASTE MORE TIME.

BUT I'M NOT "WAITING TO BE TREATED BETTER"
ANYMORE.

WAITING FOR THEM TO WANT TO SEE ME, CALL, 
TALK, CHILL...

TO TREAT ME LIKE A FKN PERSON...
AN ACTUAL PERSON!!!!!

DON'T HAVE TO, BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO...
JUST LET ME BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO DO WANT TO.

FAIR?

AND IF THERE AREN'T ANY...
LEAVE ME TF ALONE!!!!!

SO I CAN START TREATING MYSELF BETTER, AGAIN.
TO FEEL LIKE A FKN PERSON.

MAYBE FOR THE FIRST TIME, IN MY LIFE...

BUT ALWAYS... SOMEONE WANTS SOMETHING
AND THEY DON'T CARE WHAT I WANT...

"Do you want to have s3x?"
"Do you want to NEVER ask me that?"

THE THING ABOUT INCELS...

IF YOU ACT LIKE GIRLS OWE YOU S3X
WHEN THEY ACTUALLY DON'T...

THEY WON'T WANT TO FK YOU!!!!

GIRLS ARE PEOPLE
WHO WHAT?
WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE PEOPLE!!!!!

HOW WOULD IT LOOK ON GIRLS TO
ACT LIKE THAT TO GUYS?!

EXPECTING TO (OR HOPING TO) GET LAID...
THEN STUPID "TACTICS"
TO TRY TO GET AROUND "NO"

THAT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE HER
(OR ANYONE) WANT TO SAY YES.

AND YES SHOULD ONLY BE BECAUSE YOU WANT TO.
NOT BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE WANTS YOU TO.

OR THAT THEY'D GET UPSET IF YOU SAID NO!!!!

BECAUSE IT'S YOUR CHOICE.