Like I Used To

One thing that's been pretty hard for me to do
is to forgive myself for giving way too many chances.

For even wanting to have anyone reliable in my life.

To rely on stability, connection, teamwork, love, mutual respect...
Honesty.

Can anyone rely on someone to be honest with themselves?

ABOUT SH*T THEY KNOW THEY ARE DOING
THEY SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF DOING
BUT KEPT DOING
UNTIL THEY REALLY P*SSED ME OFF?

Because it seems that's reliable. BS.

Relying on people to be full of BS.

Frustrating, sad, disappointing...

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW
THEY KNOW BETTER THAN THAT
AND COULD HAVE CHOSEN
BETTER THAN THAT
YET DIDN'T.

HAD THEY WANTED TO, 
THEY WOULD HAVE...

They could have had the foresight:
"If I treat A*** like this, it's going to p*ss her off."
"If I p*ss A*** off, she'll either walk away or stay..."
"If A*** walks away, she'll lose all respect for me for pushing her to do it."
"A*** losing respect for me is worse than her being p*ssed off."
"A*** can get over stuff but I shouldn't give her sh*t to get over."
"I should be treating A*** like I want her in my life."

AND JUST BECAUSE I'M "STRONG" DOESN'T MEAN
I'M TRYING TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL "WEAK"
BY JUST BEING AS STRONG AS I AM.

I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO BECOME THIS STRONG.
BECAUSE OF SH*T LIKE THAT.

AND THAT'S WHY THAT SH*T BACKFIRES.

But I guess I became so damn strong that some people
feel "weak" around me when they get to see even a glimpse
of what I shouldn't have to "show" anyone.

MY STRENGTH SHOULD SPEAK FOR ITSELF.
AND IT DOES.
IN WAYS I DIDN'T ANTICIPATE.

BECAUSE WHEN IT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL WEAK
THEY TRY TO WEAKEN ME LOL.

WITH NO NEED TO DO IT.

WHATEVER "NEED" THERE IS, IS THEIRS.
NOT MINE.

I'm not trying to be all like:
"I'm THIS strong, you're nothing."

It's been:
"Wtf are you trying to push me and keep pushing me
TO SHOW YOU HOW STRONG I AM?
YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHEN I DO!
SO WHY ARE YOU DOING IT?"

I think a part of it is that when you are strong, 
you don't actually need people
in the ways they sometimes want you to.
Or even need you to...

Like trying to break someone to be like:
"See? You need ME."

Why tf would I need or want someone
trying to break me?

All the time I "chased" "validation"
from anyone who could have "validated" me, easily, 
HAD THEY WANTED TO...

KNOWING THAT'S ALL I WANTED...

BUT ALL THAT TIME I WASTED, DOING THAT...
I COULD HAVE GIVEN MYSELF
ALL THE VALIDATION I COULD HAVE EVER NEEDED...

In my writing, I write confidently... 
It's not to validate myself or what I'm saying, 
or whatever...

That's not the point of writing, for me...

I meant validating myself, emotionally....

Instead of wanting validation from someone
WHO WENT OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL
LIKE I'M NOTHING...
CONSTANTLY.
REPEATEDLY.

THE VERY FIRST TIME...
SHOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH
TO TELL HIM TO GO FK HIMSELF.

That's what I'm having a hard time
forgiving myself for.

For wanting what I once wanted, even.

It taught me some stuff, though.

Not the best way to learn that sh*t, but...

Am I the better for it?

I don't have to be "jaded" about "love"
because someone wanted to be a POS.

BUT WHY NOT TAKE SOMETHING
SO PURE...

AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING ELSE?

BY SH*TTING ON IT?
SPITTING ON IT?
TRASHING IT?

AND LETTING OTHERS DO IT, TOO?

NOT ENOUGH JUST TO DO IT...
BUT LET OTHERS DO IT, TOO...

ALL BECAUSE THEY SAW WHAT IT WAS
AND WHAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN
LONG BEFORE YOU DID.

AND COULDN'T HANDLE
THAT THEY COULDN'T HAVE THAT.

SO NEITHER COULD I... RIGHT?

So anything to "stop" or "block"
or cause an "issue"

WHERE THERE NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN 
OR HAD TO BE ONE...

AND IT WASN'T ENOUGH WITH JUST THAT....

HAD TO CHOOSE TO BE A POS, TOO, THOUGH.

JUST BECAUSE I'M "STRONG ENOUGH"
TO TAKE IT.

SURE. I AM.
DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD HAVE "HAD TO."

BY BEING MADE TO "HAVE TO."

AND WHEN I STOP CARING...
THEY CAN'T TAKE IT?

SO THEY HAVE TO TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE I NEVER DID?

I DID UNTIL WHEN?
UNTIL WHAT?

TELL EVERYONE HOW YOU PUSHED ME?
AND KEPT PUSHING ME?

WHAT YOU DID THAT PUSHED ME?
PUSHED ME FURTHER
THA ANYONE THOUGHT I'D GET?
ON MY OWN?

AND TO FACE THE FACT I GOT HERE, ON MY OWN...
BECAUSE I WAS PUSHED TO.

Took some strength. Took something.
Something that not everyone has.

Something most people wish they had.
To make it, on their own.

AWAY FROM "FAKE FRIENDS"
WHO NEVER GAF ABOUT THEM...

WHO ONLY WANTED XYZ FROM THEM...

Does it "hurt" they never gaf? Sometimes.
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DID.
BECAUSE YOU DID.
YOU REALLY, 
ACTUALLY
DID...

AND EVERYONE ELSE
WHO KNEW YOU REALLY ACTUALLY DID
TRYING TO CONVINCE THEM YOU ACTUALLY DON'T
AND NEVER DID

AND LIES ETC...

BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT THEM TO REALIZE
HOW MUCH I DID..

BECAUSE IF THEY COULD SEE THAT...
THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT...

COULD ONLY HOPE, RIGHT?

But treating someone like sh*t based on lies
IS STILL TREATING SOMEONE LIKE SH*T.

AND IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR THE LIES?

HAD THERE BEEN THE REALIZATION
THAT THE LIES WERE LIES
AND WHY THEY WOULDN'T WANT

TWO PEOPLE TO JUST HAVE BEEN HAPPY?

HAPPIER THAN THEY COULD HAVE BEEN?

"IF SO AND SO IS HAPPY... I CAN'T HAVE THAT...
I NEED TO RUIN IT IN ANY WAY I CAN..."

AND THEM NOT SEEING THAT,
FOR WHAT IT IS...

AND NOT ALLOWING THAT...
NOT BELIEVING THAT...

Either way... Still was really sh*tty.

Then why do you keep writing about it, A***?

Maybe a "way" to "sit with" my "feelings" about it all...

There were some "highs" when I thought things would change.
Just to crash to realize nothing was going to.

Repeatedly. How many times does one want to go through that?
For the rest of my life?

All because: "I still want what could have been"?

Fuq dat.

What could have been, could have been.
Simple as that.

Expecting me to wait for that wasn't a mistake.
It was a choice.

Not only expecting me to. MAKING ME WAIT.
FOR THAT.

FOR WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN.

No "misunderstanding" about it, either.
It is exactly that.

But "making me wait" was intentional.

AND CONTINUING TO WAIT
WAS MY CHOICE.

UNTIL I SAID FK THIS SH*T.

But at the same time, like I said...
When someone's not ready
TO BE A MATURE ADULT...
AND SHOWS YOU THEY ARE NOT READY...

THEY ARE SHOWING YOU!!!

WHAT YOU DO WHEN THEY SHOW YOU
THE VERY FIRST TIME...

WHICH SHOULD BE THE VERY LAST TIME...

IS YOUR CHOICE.

AND IF THEY GET MAD
THAT YOU DON'T PLAY GAMES...

LET THEM GET MAD.

THE REASON THEY WANT TO PLAY GAMES
IS THEY WANT TO "WIN."

TRYING TO "WIN" JUST TURNS ME OFF.

YOU WANTED TO "WIN" SO BAD THAT YOU WANTED
TO BE A POS
BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE WHO GOT JEALOUS
WANTED YOU TO BE A POS
AND YOU WERE TOO BUSY
BEING A POS TO SEE THAT...

THEN WHY WANT ANYTHING "WITH" YOU
LIKE I "USED TO"?

CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU THE SAME
AND THEY KNEW I WOULDN'T
BE ABLE TO.

See what I'm saying, though?
Should it have to take me having to, though?

For anyone to see it?
And maybe realize something?
Even one thing?

That maybe I was right? 
As much as that "pains" anyone to admit?

And had it come from anyone else, but me...

If anyone was like:

"Hey, if people are saying xyz about A***,
maybe there's a reason why..."

"If people are trying to pin you against each other, 
maybe there's a reason why..."

"These girls are acting like this and even threatening A***
because they know how she actually feels, it stopped being a secret."

"They were spying on you and starting "fires" for you to put out
TO CAUSE WEDGES BETWEEN YOU."

"THEY SAW THE POTENTIAL FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY TOGETHER
AND GOT JEALOUS SO THEY WANTED TO RUIN IT,
BUT YOU HELPED THEM DO IT."

If the truth came from anyone else, though,
THEY WOULD HAVE LISTENED.

JUST LIKE THEY LISTENED TO THE LIES, THOUGH.

But if someone chooses THAT...

NOT JUST ONCE, BUT AGAIN AN AGAIN...
FKN LET THEM.

NOT UP TO ME TO CONVINCE ANYONE
THAT LIES ARE LIES

AND WHERE I WAS COMING FROM
WAS THE TRUTH.

IF HE WAS GOING TO SEE THAT,
HE WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT.

WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE POINT
IN TRYING TO FORCE HIM TO SEE IT
IF HE DIDN'T WANT TO?