For A Reason

After everything... I'm just feeling better on my own. 

It's more than enough for some people to feel "jaded"
or whatever...

To give up, completely...

Like, if it was "enough" to "break" me
like it was supposed to be...

Or to "make" me "relapse"...

It could have, but... It wasn't.

Because letting it "break" me was a choice.
To relapse or not to relapse is a choice, too.

To feel, be, stay bitter or jaded or whatever...
That's a choice, too.

If I "got with" someone who's not "ready"
for what could have been...

WOULD I HAVE BEEN HAPPY?

OR WOULD IT HAVE TAKEN AWAY
FROM OTHER THINGS?

AND THE THINGS I NEEDED
FROM THE THINGS IT WOULD HAVE
TAKEN AWAY FROM...

WOULD I HAVE GOTTEN THOSE THINGS?

THE THINGS I SHOULD HAVE BEEN
GIVING TO MYSELF ALL ALONG?

BUT DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO?

In my 20s, as an example...

THE THINGS I WANTED WERE SO
SEEMINGLY SIMPLE
THAT IT P*SSED ME OFF
THAT THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE
WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN WILLING
TO PROVIDE SIMPLE SUPPORT
CARE, KINDNESS, 
LOYALTY, LOVE... XYZ...

WEREN'T WILLING.

MAYBE WEREN'T ACTUALLY ABLE TO...

BUT WEREN'T WILLING, EITHER.

BECAUSE, TO ME...

IF THEY REALLY WANTED TO OFFER THAT, 
ANY OF THAT, 
THEY JUST WOULD HAVE.

TO ME, FOR ME.
A SIMPLE KIND OF LIFE.

NOTHING FANCY.
NOTHING OVER THE TOP.

JUST HOW IT COULD HAVE BEEN.
JUST THAT.

But, because what I wanted... The only things that I wanted
were so seemingly simple...

AND YET WERE ALWAYS WITHHELD FROM ME
AND PEOPLE TRYING TO FK WITH 
MY SENSE OF SELF.
MY SELF-ESTEEM...
INTENTIONALLY...

ALL THE FKN TIME...
IT P*SSED ME OFF!

WHY DO THAT SH*T TO ME?

JUST SO I CAN BECOME STRONG?
JUST BECAUSE I COULDN'T GET OR HAVE
THE SIMPLEST OF THINGS?

NOT THAT I EVER WANTED VERY MUCH...

The thing is that when you wanted VERY FKN LITTLE...

AND PEOPLE KNOW THIS...

AND THEY PLAY WITH THAT...

WHEN YOU STOP CARING ABOUT
EVER GETTING IT FROM THEM...

WHEN THEY NEVER HAD TO PLAY
ABOUT GIVING YOU THE BARE MINIMUM...

THEY MISS THE CHANCE TO HAVE BEEN THE ONE
TO GIVE YOU THE VERY LITTLE YOU WANTED.

"WELP, WHEN I TRUSTED YOU NOT TO BE A POS,
YOU CLEARLY WANTED TO BE A POS."

"AND YOU KNEW I WAS TRUSTING YOU NOT TO BE ONE."
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY TRUST?"

Excuses aren't good enough, heard most of them.

Truth is they knew what they were doing.

When someone's "apologizing" trying to "justify" their BS...
With excuses etc...

THAT'S NOT A REAL APOLOGY!!!!

THAT'S BS "DISGUISED" AS AN APOLOGY.

"SORRY" IS JUST A WORD.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO.

BUT WHEN THEY SAY IT JUST TO SAY IT...
IT MEANS FK ALL.

IT MEANS "SORRY" BECAUSE "I FEEL GUILTY."
NOT BECAUSE "YOU DESERVE AN APOLOGY."

BECAUSE IF YOU DESERVE AN APOLOGY,
YOU DESERVE A REAL ONE.

FOR EVERYTHING, BUT NOT A BLANKET APOLOGY.

REAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. OF EVERYTHING.

NOT SWEEPING SH*T UNDER THE RUG
LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED...

TRYING TO SWEEP SH*T UNDER THE RUG
IS INSULTING.

NOT JUST TO YOU, BUT TO THE RUG.

IF YOU WERE A RUG, 
WOULD YOU WANT TO BE USED
TO SWEEP SH*T UNDERNEATH?

AND WHY TRY TO USE AN EXCUSE AS A RUG?

I'VE SEEN PEOPLE TRYING TO DO THAT SH*T.
TO THE POINT I ONCE THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY.
IT'S NOT.

THAT'S IMMATURE.
AND SELFISH.

TO THE PERSON YOU'RE COVERING IT UP FROM,
UNDER THE RUG, 
AND TO THE RUG.

It's insulting, and selfish, and infuriating.
Infuriating because it's so damn immature.

Because the more they want to do it...
THE LESS THEY SEE WHY THEY SHOULDN'T WANT TO.

Why want to? Ego.
Ego "can't" let them be "wrong."

They need to "preserve" their "pride"
no matter the cost.

Even if by "trying to win" they actually lose everything...

BUT WHEN YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH
CERTAIN FACTS,
YOU HAVE TO.

EVEN FACTS YOU DON'T LIKE.

LIKE THOSE JEALOUS FEMALES...
CAN'T DO FK ALL ABOUT 
ANYTHING THAT I HAD TO WORK AT
TO BECOME BETTER AT...

OR CERTAIN THINGS ABOUT MYSELF
THAT I COULDN'T CHANGE
EVEN IF I WANTED TO...

THEY MIGHT NOT LIKE CERTAIN FACTS 
ABOUT ME...

OR ABOUT THEMSELVES...

I'VE HAD TO LIVE WITH FACTS I DON'T LIKE, EITHER.

Doesn't mean I have to go out of my way, though...

To try to affect an outcome...
JUST BECAUSE AN OUTCOME
COULD HAVE HAPPENED...

Mirror smasher and I could have had something
SPECIAL.
IT HAD POTENTIAL.

CERTAIN PEOPLE DIDN'T LIKE THAT.

EVEN MY OWN MOTHER
DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE HAPPY.

SHE KNEW I LOVED HIM.
SHE WAS PROBABLY THE FIRST ONE TO KNOW.

SHE KNEW I WAS HAPPY.
AS A KID, WITH HIM.

I fkn cried for days when she told me
I'd never see him again.

My grandmother told me I would
TO GET ME TO STOP CRYING.

FKN CRUEL.

BUT WAS HE NOT CRUEL, HIMSELF?
FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME, TOO?

FOR WHAT I DID TO MYSELF...

FOR EVER GIVING HIM MORE
THAN HE DESERVED...

THAN ANYONE DESERVED
FROM ME.

But, at least I learned.

THAT PEOPLE NEED TO HAVE LIMITS
FOR A REASON.

THAT IF SOMEONE WANTS TO BE A POS,
THEY'LL BE ONE,
IF YOU LET THEM BE ONE.