It's Aggravating

Well, I went and got a new computer...|
At a place they were selling and fixing them.
Was going to take my phone to get fixed, there, 
but for some reason, it seems to be working, now.

It's weird because for a long time, 
it wouldn't hold a charge
and the battery would be dead so fast...
Could barely use it.

But now, I can make it through a whole video on it.

Could barely use it for emails, before...
Even trying to use it to verify my google account...
Was a PITA.

It's been way too hot in here. Even with the A/C.
Doesn't seem to make a whole lot of a difference.
I get the sun all day, on this side...

I guess without A/C at all it might be hotter than this.
Which would be unbearable...

At my old place, before they put the central air in...
They had to because when they replaced the windows, 
they made them too small for an A/C.

Which is BS...
Expected us to bake in there...

So I got my neighbor a website set up.
About his fishing stuff.

He came to my door when I was writing my last post...

Just want to try to "balance" having time to myself, too.
Been spending a lot of time with him.
Which is the way he wants it.
I don't.

A lot of solo stuff I wanted to do this summer.
I don't particularly like fishing.
I agree to go with him to help him get footage for YT.

I could be doing a lot of other things.
With MY time.
Not spending like 98% of it with him.

Besides, I want to take a break from smoking, too.
Or just smoke by myself.

He wants to come up here and smoke with me.
He seems to look for excuses, too.
Which bugs me.

He could wait to see me. Y'know?

And he keeps telling me to call him when I wake up.
Like he intends to spend the whole day together.

He brought up dating again.
I told him I don't want to, again. 

I kinda wanted him to get the hint
after I said no to s3x.

And he keeps bringing s3x up, too.

Dude, I already said no.
Take the hint.

He's just been really "greedy" with my time.
And I've given him as much time as I have.

Almost feel like lying and telling him I got stuff to do. 
Sometimes I do, though.
And in that case, it wouldn't be a lie...

Just to have more time to myself, but I know I'll
likely run into him.
He lives here, too.

One of the first people I met when I moved in.

Makes me think about college... Sometimes.
The first guy I met, in my class...

He ended up coming on to me...
When we worked together, doing security...

At the building we were doing "fire watch" at...

Someone blew a circuit or something, in the building.

The fire system wasn't working...
So we got sent there, by the company for "fire watch."

Which consisted of going from floor to floor...
Making sure there were no fires... 21 floors... 
Maybe more, it was a long time ago...

Atleast 21 floors, though...

Anyway, the penthouse of the building
was under construction...

And during the break, he invited me
to go with him "to see the view from there."

So I went with him "to see the view from there"
but it was a ploy to get me alone.

He basically wanted to make out. At work.

Even when I was working with my boyfriend, 
and we had the place to ourselves, 
we kept it to work only...

I had a boyfriend at the time he was coming onto me.
I had the same boyfriend all through college... 

When I could have been dating... 
Instead of being his "possession."

Oh, and my neighbor admitted to being "a jealous man."
He said "what's mine is mine."

Got really gross vibes when he said it.
Maybe the way he said it...

Or the context he said it.

After being all like:
"I think we should date."
"I don't want to."
"It'd be good for business."

People keep asking me if we're dating.

"Are you his girlfriend?"
"Is he your 'main squeeze'?"

1) No tf I am not his girlfriend.
2) I don't want to be his girlfriend.
3) He's old enough to be my father.
4) He's almost a senior literally...
5) There's no attraction there, at all.

And he hasn't fkn taken no for my answer.
He keeps bringing up s3x.
I don't want anything related to that, with him.

It's so cringe even coming from him.
Ever anyone you'd rather not hear the word "s3x" from?
Because when you do, you're grossed out?
That's what it's like.

I want to ask him not to bring it up again.
Not even as a general subject.

I want nothing to do with it.
Especially "it" regarding him.

I'm content with having 2 hands
and an imagination. 

Why tf would I want to have s3x
when I've met so many @ssh@ts...

Who chose to be a POS to me?

Not initially, but when I wasn't tolerating something...

The thing is that I have to bring stuff up casually.
I don't know how he'll take solid rejection...

Since apparently he thinks all he has to do
IS WAIT ME OUT.

WHICH IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

IT'S FRUSTRATING...
EVEN AGGREVATING.

IF I WERE A DUDE, 
HE WOULDN'T EVEN TRY THIS.

HE'D PROBABLY LOOK AT ME
AS A PERSON.

NOT SOMEONE HE WANTS TO HAVE S3X WITH.
EVEN THOUGH I SAID NO.

And trying to find excuses to touch me...

Like when I showed him the website...
He wanted to hug me.

Didn't ask me, just grabbed me.

And he's said "When can I kiss you?"
"No kissing allowed."

If I don't want to boink, I don't want to kiss either.

It's because HE wanted that. I don't.

AND MAYBE HE SHOULD CARE
WHAT I WANT AND DON'T WANT.

AND NOT BE SO DAMN SELFISH.

Still haven't seen mr. peen...
Been avoiding him.

If I ever go back, it won't be alone.
And hopefully with someone
who'll be taking over for me.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO WORK
WITH THE GUY ANYMORE.

NOT AFTER THAT.

AND IF I WENT BACK, 
HE'D LIKELY TRY SOMETHING ELSE.

DON'T FEEL LIKE GIVING HIM
THE 'OPPORTUNITY' TO EVEN TRY TO.

When he asked me to close his tabs on his phone, 
they were all p0rn...

And the videos auto-played...
Fkn awkward.

And he got 'defensive' and claimed
that he didn't know how that got 'on his phone.'

Da fuq he doesn't know.

He seems to think p0rn is real life or something.
He even tried showing me a p0rn video, once.

Told him I didn't want to see it.
And I left.

Sent him an email about wanting to be respected etc...
And how he shouldn't be doing that sh*t...

But the fact he showed it to me... Creepy.

Like it was supposed to turn me on or something...
Did the opposite. It p*ssed me off.

Still gave him a chance after that.
Then, he showed me his peen.
The last time I saw him.

To be nice, I want to just turn him over
TO SOMEONE ELSE.

BECAUSE FK THAT SH*T.

HE HAD HIS CHANCES TO JUST BE RESPECTFUL.

HE ONCE OFFERED ME $50 FOR S3X.
I SAID NO. NOT WHAT I WAS THERE FOR.

AND TO SHOW ME THAT VIDEO
AND HIS PEEN AFTER THAT...

HE COULD HAVE FKED RIGHT OFF WITH THAT.
IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT EVERY FK PERV WANTS.

IT'S ABOUT WHAT I WANT, TOO.

NOT TO BE PROPSITIONED... 
NOT TO BE SHOWN P0RN WITH THE EXPECTATION
OF SOME KIND OF A REACTION...

And it felt more like anticipation. 
Which made it feel even worse.

ALL FOR BEING A FEMALE.
BECAUSE IF I WAS A MALE...

MOST OF THAT SH*T WOULDN'T HAPPEN.
IT JUST WOULDN'T.

I'D BE ABLE TO TALK TO MY NEIGHBOR, 
AND CHILL...

WITHOUT ANY "I'M HAVING THOUGHTS."
"WHAT THOUGHTS?"
"I THINK WE SHOULD DATE."

Without any talk about s3x beyond
whatever "locker room talk" guys do.

I've heard that sh*t between guys.
It's gross.

But it probably wouldn't go beyond that.

I've watched male neighbors stare at women
walking down our street.

MAYBE THEY JUST WANT TO
WALK DOWN THE STREET...
WITHOUT THAT SH*T...

THEY LET GUYS WALK DOWN THE STREET
WITHOUT STARING.
WITHOUT MAKING COMMENTS:
"YUM YUM GIVE ME SOME" ETC.

LOOKING AT FEMALES LIKE FKN CANDY.

Without any thought about what that'd be like!

CONSTANTLY SAYING NO.
AND NOT HAVING THAT SH*T STOP
WHEN YOU'VE ALREADY SAID NO.

"HOW ABOUT A ONE NIGHT STAND."
I said no. 

He meant if I'd have one in general...

If I'd said yes, he'd suggest we hook up.
I could literally feel it coming.

Sometimes I like being able to feel some things...
BUT SOMETIMES IT GETS INTENSE.
AND IT FEELS PRETTY SH*TTY.

ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE'S BEING SELFISH.

BECAUSE I CAN SOMETIMES FEEL
WHAT THEY WANT TO SAY, BUT DON'T.

AND FOR THE THINGS THEY DO SAY, 
THERE'S A LOT THEY DON'T.

BECAUSE WHAT WOULD I THINK
IF THEY SAID XYZ?

On here, I don't really gaf what people think.
They're going to think whatever they want to.

All the fkn time.
And a lot of people only think of themselves.

OR HE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT ME.

HOW FKN UNCOMFORTABLE I'D BE.
WITH HIM EVEN BRINGING UP S3X.

LIKE HE WANTED ME TO SAY:
"COULDN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO ASK..."
OR SOME SUCH SH*T.

MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO FK THE GUY.

EVEN A NEIGHBOR WHO I AM ATTRACTED TO...
I DON'T TALK TO THE GUY.

I did put poems in his mailbox...
But that's as far as it went.

And saying hi in passing...

Been kinda avoiding him.

Sure, he's attractive...
But do I want to date the guy? No.

I'd rather admire him from afar.
And be happy for him if he starts dating.

I know he's single (if he still is)
because he mentioned he and his ex split.
More than once.

It feels like he's still reeling from it.
They have 2 kids together.
Said she's already with someone else.

Anyway, what I was getting at...
Is even though he's attractive...

Why would I put him on the spot
by asking him if he wants to boink?

Even if I was attracted enough to want to...
And no point in complicating things...
Because I might be living here for a while...

DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO PUT HIM ON THE SPOT?
JUST BECAUSE I WANTED THAT?

SO WHY DO SOME GUYS THINK THEY HAVE A RIGHT
TO PUT ME ON THE SPOT ABOUT IT?

That guy, who showed me his peen...
WASN'T THE ONLY GUY TO PULL THAT SH*T.
THAT'S NOT A PUN.

TO TRY TO PULL THAT SH*T ON ME.

WHY TF WOULD I WANT THAT?

SEEING A PEEN SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME
WANT TO JUMP ON IT?

FUQ DAT.

IF I WANTED TO SEE PEENS...
PLENTY OF FREE P0RN ONLINE...

I wanted to say: "Once you've seen one, seen them all."
But each one is different...

Ever heard of "The V@g1n@ Monologues"?

It's pretty much a documentary about v@g1n@s.

I saw it and in it, there were more of them
than I ever wanted to see.

I don't think I watched the whole thing.

But they are different, also.

Anyway, I'd be content only seeing them
IF I WANT TO.

NOT LIKE: "HERE IT IS."
KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS.

NOT A LOT THAT P*SSES ME OFF
MORE THAN THAT SH*T.

IT'S PRETTY MUCH S3XU@L HARRASSMENT.

AND IF I WENT AROUND SHOWING MY V@G?

A guy I met up with once... For coffee...

He told me about a girl he met up with, at a bar, for drinks...
She got drunk and was hitting on the bartender...
Had her leg up, like...
Strumming it...

He told me that he said to the guy:
"She wanted to show you she can play the banjo."
She was p*ssed and tried to hit him outside...

BUT WHAT DID THAT LOOK LIKE?
TO EVERYONE THERE?
ESPECIALLY TO THE BARTENDER?

MAYBE HE WANTED TO WORK HIS SHIFT
WITHOUT THAT SH*T.

KIND OF THE VICE VERSA
OF GETTING A PEEN PULLED OUT ON YOU.

SOMETHING I WOULDN'T DO.
SO TO HAVE THAT DONE TO ME...
MORE THAN ONCE...

Pretty sure the dude didn't want a "banjo lesson."
Not at work, not at all.

One guy I've spoken to... 
He is a bouncer at a bar...

Anyway, he was at work...
A chick literally grinded on his leg
and says: "Probably the most excitement you had all day..."
Excuse me?

WHO TF SAID HE WANTED HER TO DO THAT?!

Not just guys doing sh*t like that...

He said he could "feel her v@g" through his pants.

Less than zero need for that sh*t.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HAVING CLASS?
AND SELF-RESPECT?
ANYTHING?
BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE ACT 
AS THOUGH THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT.

I'm glad I don't have to experience it daily...
BUT EXPERIENCING IT AT ALL...

JUST MAKES ME WANT TO BE ALONE EVEN MORE
THAN I ALREADY DO.

Good enough reason? Fair enough?

A lot of guys expect way too much from me.
Expecting me to want to boink
IS EXPECTING TOO MUCH.

LIKE THE DUDE WHO ANSWERED THE DOOR
NAKED.

WHO TF SAID I WANTED HIM TO DO THAT?
WERE WE DATING?!
WE WERE JUST NEIGHBORS.

I WENT TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT SOMETHING
COMPLETELY UNRELATED.

HAD TO LEAVE BEFORE I COULD.

Because trying to talk to someone who's naked...
When they have "hooking up" on the brain...

AS THOUGH THEY AREN'T NAKED...
IS KINDA AWKWEIRD.

I could have just left. Hard nope.
Don't know why I tried talking to him.
As though he wasn't naked...

He wanted me to look at his peen.
Could barely look him in his eyes...

WHAT BUGS ME IS THAT...
IF THEY SAW ME AS ANOTHER PERSON
WHO MIGHT NOT WANT ANYTHING...
BECAUSE I DON'T...

WOULD THEY TRY TO PULL THIS SH*T ON ME?

ANYONE'S LACK OF A S3X LIFE
ISN'T MY PROBLEM.
SHOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE, FOR ME.

AM I MAKING MY CELIBACY AN ISSUE?
OTHER THAN NOT WANTING TO FK ANYONE?

DOES ANYONE HAVE TO FK ME?
JUST BECAUSE I WANTED IT?
NO!

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE HARRASSED ABOUT IT.
OR HAVE IT BROUGHT UP EVEN ONCE.

OR HAVE SOME FKD UP THING "HAPPEN"
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTS SOMETHING.

THEY COULD JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT IT.

Choosing not to is a choice.
Like sleeping with anyone is a choice.

People should be able to just hang out
WITHOUT THAT EVEN COMING UP.

MORE TO LIFE AND LIVING LIFE
THAN GETTING LAID.

SO WHY DOES THAT HAVE TO COME UP?

But, yeah, it just makes me want to retreat.

Besides, guys who want booty calls
ONLY WANT THAT.

THE GUY WHO WANTED AN ARRANGEMENT...
THAT'S ALL HE WANTS.

OR HE'D MAKE THE EFFORT.
TO EVEN BE A BETTER FRIEND TO ME.

I'VE WRITTEN ABOUT HOW HE TREATED ME.
AND HE THOUGHT I'D JUST AGREE TO THAT?

HE'D ONLY BE USING ME FOR HIS OWN DESIRES.

WHEN WHAT DID I WANT FROM HIM?
TO REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY!
TO WANT TO REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY!

TO WANT TO NOT MAKE THINGS AWKWEIRD.
TO WANT TO NOT ASK ME MORE THAN ONCE.
TO NOT ASK ME AT ALL.

WASN'T WANTING MUCH.

Anyway, that's all he wanted.
OR IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN AN ARRANGEMENT.

SO WHY AM I SUPPOSED TO WANT THAT?
I REALLY FKN DON'T.

That sh*t just turns me off more and more.

IT'S NOT THAT HE COULDN'T REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY
IF HE WANTED TO, HE WOULD!
INSTEAD OF MAKING EXCUSES
WHY HE ISN'T MAKING THAT SMALL EFFORT.

So maybe he's not the "kind of guy" I'd be interested in.
WHY WOULD I BE?

He and I kissed before. It felt off.
Didn't feel any attraction from it.

Was like kissing a friend because that's what it was.
Nothing since.
Not interested in him, like that.

Maybe I was slightly curious
WHEN WE BOTH USED TO DRINK...

AND HE TOOK ME TO HIS FRIEND'S CABIN...
WHEN WE HAD THE PLACE TO OURSELVES...
COULD HAVE GONE FURTHER THAN THAT...

BUT IT DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT.

AND AS I GOT TO KNOW THE GUY...
CERTAIN THINGS ABOUT HIM...
ABOUT HIS PERSONALITY...
ABOUT HOW HE TREATED ME AROUND 
OTHER PEOPLE...

LIKE THE TIME HE HAD OTHER FRIENDS OVER
WHEN WE HADN'T SEEN EACH OTHER IN MONTHS...
BECAUSE HE HADN'T MADE THE EFFORT TO SEE ME...
WAS ALWAYS ME MAKING THE EFFORT.

TO HANG OUT AND DO STUFF.
WE WENT TO SEE A CONCERT...
WE WENT ON A PARTY BOAT...

BOTH INITIATED BY ME.

AND THE PARTY BOAT WAS A SURPRISE.

WOULD HE GO OUT OF HIS WAY?

I'D BE SURPRISED IF HE REMEMBERED MY BIRTHDAY!
OR REMEMBERED I WAS THERE
WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE AROUND...

OR IF HE CALLED ME JUST TO SAY HI...
OR IF HE INVITED ME TO HANG OUT...
AND ONLY HANG OUT...
WITHOUT "KINDA HOPING" FOR ANYTHING.
AND HE USED THOSE EXACT WORDS...
HE WAS "KINDA HOPING."

What I'm "kinda hoping" for is to get my points across.
To hopefully "explain" this sh*t
So guys stop doing this sh*t.
Especially to me.

The younger I was when that sh*t was going on...
The worse it was.

When I was 14... Da fuq?

And I shouldn't have gotten with my ex.

It started out with hooking up.
I was 16. He was 30.

Huge age gap...

Anyway, saying that... At that age...
HAD I SPENT MORE TIME ON MYSELF...
WORKING ON MYSELF...
NOT GIVING SO MUCH OF MYSELF TO HIM...
TRYING TO BE WHAT HE WANTED...

I COULD BE ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PATH.
MY LIFE COULD BE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

I could have had a child with someone else, gotten married...

I love my son and he wouldn't be "him" if he had another father.
He'd be different in a lot of ways.

I dislike the ways he's like his father...
And he has to "unlearn" a lot of sh*t.

And have good people in his life...

But... I love him.
Not just because he's my son.

He does have good qualities.
Just wish he could see that in himself
and would let me try to bring that out of him...

I have encouraged his interests in math and science...
His father doesn't seem to care.

About anyone other than himself.
If I had my way, he'd be in jail.

Getting what comes to people who do what he did.

That's as much as I'll say about what he did.
Makes my blood boil. 
Makes me want to puke.

Even thinking about him, in general...

I live pretty close to where he and I used to live.
When he and I used to live together, I barely went out
or did anything.

I got invited to a party and he got mad that I wanted to go.
He could have just come with me.

Instead of making me not go by getting mad.

Didn't want to potentially break up
OVER WANTING TO GO TO A PARTY.
IT WAS JUST A PARTY.

But a lot of people, if they were me, 
they'd want to seriously injure him. Or worse.
For what he did.

Some would.

He doesn't have the balls to answer the door
if I went over there to "pay him a visit."

HE WOULDN'T WHEN I WAS TRYING TO SEE MY SON.
WOULDN'T ANSWER THE PHONE.

HAD TO STOP TRYING TO CALL.
WASN'T GETTING ANYWHERE.

EVEN IF THAT MEANT MY SON THOUGHT
I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE HIM OR BE WITH HIM...

AND HIS FATHER DID LIE TO HIM. ABOUT ME.

ABOUT THE CIRCUMSTANCES
OF HOW HE ENDED UP GETTING CUSTODY.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO ONLY STAY THE NIGHT.
THE NEXT DAY I WAS TOLD HE HAD CUSTODY.

BECAUSE THE CAS B*TCH WANTED TO STICK IT TO ME.
OVER ALLEGATIONS.

ANYONE CAN SAY FKN ANYTHING. ABOUT ANYONE.
AND STICK IT TO ANYONE
THEY HAVE THE "POWER" TO STICK IT TO...
JUST HAVE TO WANT TO.
THEY DO BECAUSE THEY CAN.

Anyway, he lied to him.
The only way I'd know what my son went through
IS IF HE TELLS ME.

HE'S TOLD ME ENOUGH.
TO KNOW HIS FATHER'S A POS.

One of the best things I did was end that relationship.

It was abusive.
Not physically...
But mentally, emotionally...

I'd still be picking up and washing his dirty socks.
They stunk so bad, that when I collected the pile of dirty socks...
He'd come home, sit in the recliner, and add socks to the pile...

Anyway, stunk so bad that I found maggots in his socks.

HE TOOK EVERYTHING I EVER DID FOR HIM FOR GRANTED.
JUST LIKE MOST PEOPLE DO.

PEOPLE GET TIRED OF BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED.
TO THE POINT THEY WANT TO STOP "GIVING" AND "DOING."
BEING THE ONE WHO MAKES THE EFFORT AND THE TIME.
THE EFFORT TO MAKE THE TIME.

WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

However, I wasn't always fair, to him, either.
BUT A LOT OF SH*T HE DID, I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE.

I WASN'T THE BEST GIRLFRIEND.
ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN I WAS DRINKING.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE.
NOT RIGHT NOW.
MAYBE NOT EVER AGAIN...

But, I guess I learned some things.
About relationships and about myself along the way.

I got to be a mom and do mom stuff.

IT BUGS ME THE THINGS I DID RIGHT...
NEVER GET CREDIT FOR THAT.

But my son did thank me for teaching him how to tell time
on a clock that has hands.

I told him parents are supposed to teach their kids stuff.

HAD HE LISTENED TO ME...
I COULD HAVE TAUGHT HIM MORE.

HE CHOSE TO BE A BRAT SOMETIMES.

NO SUPPORT FROM HIS DAD ABOUT IT.
I CAN'T EVEN CALL HIM A DAD.

HE'S A BIO FATHER. NOT A DAD.

BUT MY POINT WAS... I WAS A YOUNG MOM.
NO SUPPORT.

FRUSTRATED. TIRED ALL THE TIME.

AND MY KID WOULDN'T LISTEN!
DOES ANYONE? EVER?

It is to the point I HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT IT.
BECAUSE IF I WERE TO TRY TO JUST SAY IT...
PEOPLE "DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT."

ESPECIALLY NOT FROM ME.

BECAUSE I'M NOT "SUPPOSED TO BE"
INTELLIGENT IN ANY WAY.

BECAUSE THEY ALREADY MADE THEMSELVES "BETTER"
THAN ME. SO WHY LISTEN?

"WHERE'S YOUR SUCCESS STORY?"

Maybe what I wanted was just to be heard
THE FIRST TIME.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I TURN SOMEONE DOWN.

IT BUGS ME TO DO IT...
SOME GUYS DON'T TAKE REJECTION WELL.

AND THEY EVEN KEEP TRYING.
"TRY, TRY, TRY AGAIN" SHOULDN'T APPLY HERE.

SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED TO CHANGE MY MIND
JUST BECAUSE ANYONE WANTS ME TO.

MY CHOICE.

Just like it is their choice, right?

BECAUSE NOT EVERY GUY WANTS TO BOINK ME.
AND SHOULDN'T I BE OKAY WITH THAT?

SO SHOULDN'T THEY BE OKAY THAT I DON'T?

Did I mention that sh*t's aggravating?

Being a female... Just that.

My neighbor said that if I had a boyfriend
he wouldn't be hanging out with me
and that he wouldn't like that...

He wants to date so that I'm "his."
And that'd stop any potential of me dating someone else.

EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD BE FREE TO DECIDE.
IF I EVEN WANT TO DATE, PERIOD, OR NOT.

"WHAT'S MINE IS MINE."
HE ADDED THAT HE DOESN'T LIKE TO SHARE.

Makes me "something" to "have" and not a person
WHO HAS FEELINGS AND CHOICES.
EVEN A MIND OF THEIR OWN...

That sh*t bothers me. 

He tries telling me what to do, too.
"Call me when you wake up."

DO I HAVE TO CALL YOU AT ALL? NO?
SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE TOLD TO?

AND YOU'RE TELLING ME
YOU WANT TO HEAR FROM ME FIRST THING...

MAYBE I WANT THE ENTIRE DAY TO MYSELF?
Maybe I should be allowed to want that.

Is he telling anyone else to call him when they wake up? No?
THEN WHY TELL ME TO?

AND SHOWING UP AT MY DOOR WITHOUT CALLING...

AND LOOKING AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN WHEN HE COMES OVER...
LIKE TRYING TO CATCH ME LOOKING AT SOMETHING...

All these "little things" that are bugging me.

At first, he acted like the helpful neighbor.
So I didn't mind hanging out.

He had weed when I didn't. I had some when he didn't.
It was just hanging out, talking.

I never wanted him to want more than that.
BECAUSE THAT IS ALL IT IS TO ME.
AND IT'D BE COOL IF HE RESPECTED THAT.

Anyway, I feel like I got a lot "out" today.
About how I feel about that sh*t.
And why I feel that way about that sh*t.

And, maybe, if it makes sense...
It might "make" someone realize that OFTEN...
FEMALES WANT TO WALK DOWN THE STREET
WITHOUT THOSE COMMENTS ABOUT THEM...

WANT TO TALK TO YOU WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON.
WANT TO BE ABLE TO LOOK YOU IN THE EYES.
WANT YOU TO NOT WANT TO SHOW YOUR PEEN, LIKE THAT.
WANT YOU TO NOT WANT TO BE "DA FUQ?!"

Like it's one thing to be in a relationship and see your partner's "parts."
BUT IT IS ANOTHER THING
WHEN SOMEONE YOU BARELY KNOW
OR A STRANGER
JUST PULLS IT OUT...

Like wtf do you want from me?! 
"That's nice! I want it!" Da fuq?!

Some guys try to act like their d*ck is the only one that exists.
And chicks are "supposed to be" "mesmerized" by it or something.

Is it too much to ask to keep it away from me?
To have some class or at least some manners?

TO HAVE ENOUGH REGARD FOR ME
TO REALIZE I PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SH*T?

AND THAT IT SHOULD BE AND IS UP TO ME IF I EVEN OR EVER DO?
TO CHOOSE THAT?

They should have the right to reject me, right? Which they do!

So how come they try to treat me like I should just say yes
to whatever tf they want?

I DON'T HAVE TO SAY YES!
AND IF I DON'T WANT IT, I DON'T.

WITH SOMEONE OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY FATHER?

CAN'T ANYONE GIVE ME A BREAK FROM THAT SH*T?
I'M A PERSON, WITH CHOICES.

THEY ARE PEOPLE, WITH CHOICES

YOU ARE A PERSON, WITH CHOICES.

SHOULDN'T WE GET TO CHOOSE?

AND I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE SHOWN THOSE PEENS.
OR ANYTHING ELSE FKD UP IN MY LIFE.

CHOICES PEOPLE MADE FOR ME...
ENDED UP COSTING ME A LOT.

But when it comes to that sh*t, it ought to be a choice.
Not something to try to wait someone out for
or try to get after someone says no.

Or try to get from someone who doesn't want it.
Not everyone has to want it.

NOBODY'S SAYING ANYONE SHOULD HAVE TO WANT IT.
OTHER THAN ANYONE
WHO DOESN'T WANT SOMEONE
TO HAVE THAT CHOICE.
THAT THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE...
THAT EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE.
INCLUDING ME.

Why should s3x be so important
as to harass someone for it?

TO CONSTANTLY BRING IT UP?

TO WANT IT WHEN SOMEONE ELSE DOESN'T?

THERE IS MORE TO LIFE AND LIVING LIFE THAN S3X!!!!

TO TRY TO CHANGE SOMEONE'S MINE ABOUT NOT WANTING TO
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO...

WHEN THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR MIND.

AND SHOULD YOU TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER?
THE FIRST TIME?

Even just dating... You know how many guys could say no to me?
Should I get mad if they do?
Their choice, right?

What if they aren't attracted to me?
What if there's something so repulsive about me
that they'd never even consider dating me?

Like... When I'm 62... Should I expect a 40 yr old
TO WANT TO DATE ME?
AND TRY TO GIVE EXCUSES WHY WE SHOULD DATE?
AND KEEP BRINGING UP S3X?
AND WANT THEM TO CHANGE THEIR MIND?
WHEN THEY CLEARLY TOLD ME, MORE THAN ONCE...
THAT HE DOESN'T WANT TO DATE ME?
OR HAVE S3X WITH ME?
AND TRY TO GIVE MYSELF "REASONS"
FOR INVITING MYSELF OVER?
JUST BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT?

If I shouldn't... SHOULD HE?

That's the point I'm trying to make, here.

If he wouldn't want me to.
Not that I just don't, I wouldn't...

If he wouldn't want me to... XYZ...
WHY WOULD I WANT HIM TO?

AND IF HE WOULDN'T WANT ME TO XYZ
SHOULD I WANT TO XYZ?
EVEN THOUGH HE'S SAID HE DOESN'T...
MORE THAN ONCE...

It's one thing to have wishful or hopeful thinking...
BUT WHEN THERE IS NO CHANCE OF IT,
BECAUSE SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT TO,
THERE IS NO CHANCE OF IT.
SO WHY KEEP WANTING TO?
OR KEEP TRYING TO?
OR TRY ANYWAY?
REGARDLESS HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT IT?
EVEN IF IT MAKES THEM UNCOMFORTABLE...

Sure, sometimes rejection "stings"
BUT IT STINGS THE EGO.

WITHOUT BEING SO ARROGANTLY EGOTISTICAL, 
MAYBE SOME GUYS MIGHT STAND A BETTER CHANCE.

THERE'S A SUCH THING AS HUMILITY.

SOME GUYS TURNED OUT TO BE SO MUCH WORSE
THAN I EVER THOUGHT THEY'D BE...
BECAUSE I TRUSTED THEM NOT TO BE...
AND CHOSE TO BE...

JUST LIKE IT'D BE ME CHOOSING TO BE...
HAD I REALLY BEEN AS "BAD"
AS ANY JEALOUS FEMALE TRIED MAKING ME OUT TO BE
SO THAT WHOEVER THEY WERE TRYING TO
KEEP AWAY FROM ME
WOULD SEE ME IN WHATEVER LIGHT...
WHEN THAT WAS HIS CHOICE, 
TO LISTEN TO THAT SH*T
AND NOT TO CONSIDER THE SOURCE
AND NOT CONSIDER WHY...

It'd be the end of the world if "I got the guy"
they were trying to keep away from me lol.

WHEN IT WAS LITERALLY HIS CHOICE, 
NOT THEIRS.

IF YOU LET ANYONE MAKE CHOICES FOR YOU...
LIKE TRYING TO GET YOU TO LOOK AT SOMEONE
ANY TYPE OF WAY...

CONSIDER WHY THEY WANT TO MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR YOU.
WHY THEY MIGHT BE WANTING YOU TO
LOOK AT SOMEONE A CERTAIN WAY...

There are so many things to consider
THAT MOST PEOPLE JUST DON'T.
THEY DON'T SEEM TO THINK, AT ALL.

LET ALONE CONSIDER THINGS...

BECAUSE MAYBE THEY'D REALIZE SOME THINGS.
SOME THINGS I'D NEVER HAVE TO SAY
OR WRITE ABOUT
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T BE BOTHERING ME.