Maybe It Will, Maybe It Won't

Can't expect some people to walk away from their BS.
Even if you give them a way "out."

Didn't care enough not to XYZ, though.

Bugs me that they chose BS, but can't choose for them.

They could have chose differently, but didn't.

Trusted the wrong people.
I trusted people who trusted the wrong people.

But they did. Chose to.
I chose to trust people who weren't trustworthy.

PEOPLE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO TRUST...
WHO I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO TRUST...

But were they WORTHY of my trust?
OR DID THEY BREAK IT?

But when they could have HANDLED EVERYTHING
AND ME, DIFFERENTLY....

THEY COULD HAVE.
Did they?

BUT WHEN THEY SHOW YOU, MORE THAN ONCE
THAT THEY ARE ARROGANT, IGNORANT, IMMATURE...

THAT'S HOW THEY ARE!

And it bugs me when someone GETS PLAYED...
AND I KNEW THEY WERE GETTING PLAYED...
AND TOLD THEM THEY ARE GETTING PLAYED...

AND CHOSE TO STILL BE ABOUT THAT SH*T.

Bugs me but what do they want me to do about it
WHEN THEY CHOSE THAT?

IS IT MY FAULT THEY DIDN'T SEE IT
FOR WHAT IT WAS THE WHOLE TIME?

IF THEY WOULDN'T LOOK AT IT?

They chose not to. Chose XYZ instead. Right?

So why blame me for refusing to look at something
that they could have just looked at?

BECAUSE THEY MIGHT HAVE SEEN
WHY I WAS TELLING THEM WHAT I WAS.

MIGHT HAVE SEEN SOME VALUE IN THAT, 
IN ME, EVEN JUST FOR THAT.

BUT CAN'T EXPECT THAT FROM ANYONE.
FOR THEM TO EVEN WANT TO SEE, OR TRY TO.

WOULD BE COOL IF THEY DID, BUT...
CAN'T EXPECT THAT.

Hoping and wishing for that doesn't change 
anyone's willingness or desire to grow tf up.

Because they'd change "their tune" if they could see it...
You'd hope they would. I did.

BUT RESENT ME FOR CALLING IT OUT.
WHEN I HAD TO.

BECAUSE IT'S BS.

IF IT WASN'T BS, THERE'D BE NOTHING
TO CALL OUT.

AND I USED TO GET DEFENSIVE WHEN ANYONE
CALLED ME OUT ON MY BS.

I USED TO GET MAD, TOO.

BUT WHAT IS THE POINT IN GETTING MAD?
AT SOMEONE TIRED OF YOUR BS
SO TIRED OF IT THEY CALL IT OUT...

BECAUSE MAYBE THEY PUT UP WITH SH*T
THEY PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO.
FROM YOU!

To their LIMIT and even DETRIMENT.

BUT PEOPLE WHO TOTALLY FKD UP WITH ME...

AFTER REALIZING THAT I CAME FROM 
A SINCERE PLACE.

AND YOU CAN'T
DISMISS SOMETHING AND THEN
TURN AROUND AND WANT IT.

BECAUSE IT WAS RIGHT THERE
WHEN YOU DISMISSED IT. RIGHT?

And sure, maybe others have trust issues, too.

Trusting the wrong people is an issue.

Instead of trusting someone who could be trusted.

But my life is my life. I don't have to let anyone in, either.
I don't have to "take anyone back."

I can "forgive" people FOR ME AND MOVE ON.

But why be mad anymore?

He chose and he was allowed to, but so am I.

AND WHEN SOMEONE LETS YOU DOWN,
ON PURPOSE...

GHOSTING OR WHATEVER...

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO LET THEM
HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY
TO DO IT AGAIN?

BUT I WAS SUPPOSED TO "LET IT RIDE."
AND KEEP "LETTING IT RIDE..."

AND WAS EXPECTED TO!!!!
BUT I NEVER HAD TO!!!!

SO WHY EXPECT ME TO?

Never thought Iron Heart would do that, once, 
let alone twice...

Did I think mirror smasher would have done xyz? No.

Initially, before he met 'her,' he used to do nice things, for me.
Like holding the door open for me.

Thought I could trust the guy...


BUT NOW I HAVE TO START TRUSTING MYSELF MORE.

Here's a thing. Some people are "addicted" to BS.
And when you trust people who shouldn't have been trusted...
More than you trust yourself...

But I get it! I felt like:
"How can I trust myself
AFTER CHOOSING TO TRUST
SOMEONE WHO COULDN'T BE TRUSTED?"

Is it your fault for wanting to be able to trust?
When you should have been able to?

COULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO
HAD THEY RESPECTED YOUR TRUST.

EVEN APPRECIATED YOUR TRUST...

But here it is...

If someone would rather do XYZ
INSTEAD OF WHAT THEY COULD HAVE DONE...

THEY ARE SHOWING THAT TO YOU.

AS DISAPPOINTING AS THAT IS...

And when they show that to you...
You get to choose what to do about that.

EVEN IF THEY DON'T LIKE THAT.

AND THEY GET MAD WHEN YOU STOP DOING
THE THINGS YOU WERE DOING...

BECAUSE THEY EXPECTED YOU TO
JUST KEEP DOING IT...

"A***'s not around to help me with XYZ now."
"A***'s not here to do XYZ now."

Why, though?

How many times do I let someone slam the door in their face?
Or fall on their face?

AND KEEP COMING BACK TO KEEP DOING IT?

I can slam my own doors in my face.
I can fall on my own face.
Without anyone.

Don't "need" anyone to do that, right?

BUT WHEN YOU DO ENOUGH SH*T TO SOMEONE...
AND THEY FINALLY WALK AWAY FROM YOUR BS...

YOU CAN'T EXPECT THEM TO EVER COME BACK.

BECAUSE THEY CAN CHOOSE NOT TO.

BUT THE POINT WAS THAT THEY WERE NOT THINKING OF ME
WHEN THEY CHOSE TO DO XYZ.

IF THEY THOUGHT OF ME...
CONSIDERED ME...

WOULD THEY HAVE DONE XYZ?

BECAUSE THERE ARE PEOPLE THEY WOULDN'T DO XYZ TO.

Pretty sure they know better than to show their peen to everyone.
SO WHY DO IT TO ME?

TO PEOPLE THEY WANTED TO KEEP IN THEIR LIFE.
BECAUSE I COULD WALK AWAY
BECAUSE OF XYZ.

SO COULD ANYONE.

If they realize that, they should have realized
THAT I COULD, TOO.

WAS THEIR CHOICE TO RISK THAT.

BUT THEN... WANT MY SYMPATHY,
MY RESPECT...

Everything that came with me, my loyalty, etc...
My trust...

WHEN THEY COULD HAVE HAD IT.

AND LOST IT. TOSSED IT.
FOR WHAT? 

To sabotage themselves?

Projecting sh*t onto me
BECAUSE YOU CHOSE WRONG...

IS DOING EXACTLY THAT.

And then wanting my sympathy, though?
Wanting me to care like I used to?

But thinking the way I used to think was BS.
Doing the things I used to do was BS.

Putting up with what I put up with was BS.

The BS was holding me back.

THEIR BS HELD THEM BACK
AND KEEPS HOLDING THEM BACK.

CAUSED ME TO TURN MY BACK.

But you can't have it both ways.
Like expecting someone to just put up with everything, 
all the time...

AND THEN WANT THEM TO STAY.
WHEN THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO WALK AWAY.

I'm not "afraid" of being "alone."
So walking away, isn't a thing for me.

ESPECIALLY WALKING AWAY
FROM THINGS PEOPLE DID ON PURPOSE.
THAT THEY NEVER HAD TO.
CHOSE TO DO.

But if I "find" "someone else"
THEY WANT TO GET JEALOUS?
WHEN THEY COULD HAVE HAD THAT, 
WITH ME?

I'm not looking for anyone. Fuq dat.

Been too much BS that I don't want or need in my life.

Sure, some good moments, but few and far between.
BETWEEN NOT TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY.

I CAN RESPECT TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY.
BUT TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY HAS TO BE
AUTHENTIC.

UNTIL THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO, 
THEY'LL REFUSE TO.

I went through my own sh*t because of my own BS.
I put myself through that.
By choosing what I chose.

So I can't be mad at anyone that I chose what I chose.
BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO CHOSE IT!

Pretty sure at least some people wanted me to choose differently.

ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO GOT USED TO
TAKING ADVANTAGE
AND TAKING ME FOR GRANTED...

WHEN I'M NOT GOING TO BE "AROUND" FOREVER.
EVEN TO FKN SAY HI TO.

It bugged me that when Iron Heart came back the first time...

HE TOLD ME HE MISSED OUR TALKS.

I DID, TO, BUT IT WASN'T ABOUT OUR TALKS.
IT WAS ABOUT MAYBE HAVING 
SOME SORT OF "BOND"
OR "UNDERSTANDING" WITH HIM.

I MISSED HIM, AS A PERSON.
WHILE HE MISSED OUR TALKS...

Like that dude who told me he missed my feet...

COULD HAVE BEEN NICE IF HE MISSED ME.
AS A PERSON.

WHO WAS WANTING TO BE THERE.
IN SOME CAPACITY.

EVEN THOUGH I PROBABLY WASN'T EVER
GOING TO MEET HIM FACE TO FACE...

Maybe "entertained" the thought of it.
I would have loved to.

I would have loved to forget about most things
that happened before I "met" him...

I would have loved to have walked away from sh*t
I wasn't ready to walk away from
UNTIL I WAS PUSHED TO DO IT.

I would have loved to have been READY 100%
FOR WHAT I WANTED, WITH HIM...

BUT WAS DEALING WITH SO MANY INSECURITIES...
AND HE KNEW I WAS.
YET STILL WAS TRYING TO BE PATIENT WITH ME...
UNTIL HE JUST GAVE UP.

OVER A DELETED MESSAGE.
THAT MEANT MORE TO HIM, THAN I DID.

Which freaking stung, the second time.
Especially.

BECAUSE I WANTED TO TALK TO HIM.
I MISSED TALKING TO HIM.

THE WHOLE TIME HE WOULDN'T.

SO WHEN HE "CAME BACK" I WAS HAPPY.
THOUGHT HE WASN'T GOING TO LEAVE, AGAIN.

BUT IF I DIDN'T MATTER UNTIL HE MISSED OUR TALKS...
WHY TF WOULD I MATTER NOW?

But whatever. I'm not mad at him for doing it.
Sad, disappointed, stinging a bit...

NOTHING I CAN'T GET OVER...

"A***, if you were over it, 
you'd stop writing about it."

I was making a point about it.

If I didn't matter, then, 
why would I matter now?

ALL OF A SUDDEN START THINKING
ABOUT ME...

WHO I WAS, TO THEM, IF ANYONE...

WHAT I BROUGHT.
WHICH DOESN'T FEEL LIKE ENOUGH.

BECAUSE HAD IT BEEN ENOUGH...
WOULD THEY HAVE APPRECIATED IT?

WOULD THEY HAVE TREATED ME BETTER?
WOULD THEY HAVE VALUED IT?
AND EVEN VALUED ME FOR IT?
IF FOR ANYTHING AT ALL?
IF NOT FOR MYSELF?

AND FOR THE FACT THAT I COULD HAVE CHOSEN
OTHERWISE?

LIKE NOT TO CARE AT ALL?
NOT TO TRY TO SHOW IT?

WHEN IT COMES TO MY ACTIONS?
WHEN IT COMES TO THEM?

So I didn't have to even want to choose them.

AND IT WAS NEVER A PLOY. IT WAS REAL.
AND REAL ISN'T WHAT YOU FIND OFTEN
IN A WORLD OF FAKE BS.

BUT REAL DOESN'T WAIT AROUND FOREVER.
BECAUSE REAL WANTS REAL.
WANTS THE SAME THEY ARE WILLING TO OUT INTO IT.
BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY ACCEPT FAR LESS
THAN EVEN THE BARE MIN?

Why would real want anything other than real right back?
For sh*ts and giggles?
Just to waste time?

AND WHEN YOU LET SOMEONE
CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT SOMETHING...

YOU'RE LETTING THEM DO THAT.

I'm not trying to convince anyone what I'm saying is "right"
Or whatever...

Just saying it from how I see it.
Why I've been tired of the BS.
Why anyone would be.
Wouldn't you be?

THIS SH*T TIME AND TIME AGAIN.
DA FUQ? EVEN AT ALL?

SO WHY STAY FOR THAT?

I NEVER HAD TO!

Because I was "kinda hoping" for CHANGE.
FOR THEM TO VALUE ME.
AS A PERSON.

NOT JUST FOR WHAT I BROUGHT.

AUTHENTICITY. REAL.

I wanted what I wanted.
Stayed in hopes of what I wanted.

What could have been.
HAD THEY CARED ENOUGH.
"JUST ENOUGH."

But can I expect them to want what I did?
With me? No.

JUST WANTING THAT DOESN'T "QUALIFY" ME.

Just like when someone wants "that" with me.
Just wanting it doesn't qualify them.

AND USUALLY IT IS SOMETHING ABOUT ME
THAT THEY WANT.
NOT ACTUALLY ME.

EVEN TO TRY TO HAVE CONTROL OVER ME
SO I WON'T BE WITH ANYONE ELSE.

Anyway, I just... Don't need that sh*t.

But being "alone" gives me time to think.
Which is what I want.

TIME TO THINK. TO MYSELF.
FOR MYSELF.

WITHOUT ANYONE'S BS.
DEALING WITH MY OWN SH*T.

Because I could have not dealt with any of my sh*t, right?
Been about everything other than that.

Could have stuck to being about everything else.
Like I was being about alcohol...

Or when I wanted to date...
When I wanted to just be loved, valued...
Appreciated...

When I wished I could just find and be with 
someone who'd marry me... Want me...

But at the same time, I don't want just anyone.

I'd rather dodge as many bullets as possible.
And not keep wasting my time.

I'd rather that than "jump into something"
that I'd rather not.

That'd I'd be sorry for "jumping into."

And seen enough to just... Realize some stuff.

TO REALIZE WHAT I DON'T WANT
THAT ISN'T WORTH STAYING FOR.
OR GIVING TO.

Among other things.

It's going to be okay.
Which is what I try to convince myself.

Maybe it will, maybe it won't.

Hoping and wishing won't change anything.

THEY HAVE TO WANT TO CHANGE.

EVEN GIVING THEM A WARNING
SOMETIMES ISN'T ENOUGH.

If they want to keep going down that path...
EVEN AFTER YOU WARN THEM
THAT IF THEY KEEP PUSHING YOU AWAY
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WANT TO BE THERE.

Then just let them.
Don't have to hold their hand while they do it.

They can do it tf away from me, though.
They can keep their BS to themselves.

Da fuq do I want it for?

To add to everyone else's BS?
No thanks.