Sleeping & Sweating

Did I mention it's hot???!!! LOL.

I tried blocking out some of the sun coming in...

Managed to sleep for a bit... Probably not long enough...

Then to wake up... Soaked LOL.

I have the A/C and fan on...

I'd rather not have them on...
Trying to drown out the sound they make...

Well, the other day, I had a shirt that has sleeves on it...
I wet it outside, and put it on wet...

It felt nice.

I just thought of someone wetting their shirt
and putting it in the freezer for a bit, 
then putting it back on. 

Not so long that it freezes solid, but...

Would be like wearing an ice pack on your back...

It got so hot at the old place, before they put in
the central air conditioning system...

That's how I could at least try to sleep...

By wetting a towel to put on...

Any energy I had for today... Is gone.

We beat Toronto for poor air quality.

Hazier than Toronto.... A city 4 - 5 times bigger...

The first time I went to Toronto...
I was 16 and I was kinda expecting a city
roughly the same size as this city... Nope!

Imagine a city like LA for the first time?!
I don't think much could prepare me for that...
Bigger than Toronto... By far...

With more guns, too.

Although Toronto's got gangs and guns...

Every heard of a neighborhood called Jane & Finch?
They are streets that intersect...
That area is said to be one of the worst, 
if not the worst part of Toronto.

O-town has projects, too. 
I lived in one, before...

When I was a kid, I lived in a neighborhood
that is now being called H Block.

I was talking to a neighbor who comes around here.
I don't think he actually lives at this building, 
but he lives around here and he may have used to live here...

Anyway, he was here, the other day...

He used to live on H Block, too...
Back in the day and I asked him...

Remember the pop guy?

We used to have a pop guy who had a pop company...
There were like 4 flavors of pop...

Orange, cream soda, grape, and cherry...
If I can remember right...

What I remember is that he'd come by, 
pick up the empty bottles, 
and deliver more.

And there was a thing called popsicle points...

The company was Popsicle Pete.
They put "points" on the popsicle sticks.

And you used to be able to trade in your points.
For more popsicles and stuff like that...

It's been a really long time...
I'm talking like 30 years ago or more.

Kids used to go hunt down popsicle sticks lol.
For the points...

And my neighbors and I had a game we'd play at the park...

Y'know those spinning platform things?
We'd get on it, start it spinning, 
and we'd drop the popsicle stick next to it
and we had to try to pick it up
off the ground while we went around, on the thing...

Not as easy as it sounds.
Because we'd be at a speed
that we could see it, 
but barely grab it...

Whoever grabbed it got to brag a bit
and be the one to drop it next.

Been getting weird headaches.
Not sure if it's because I haven't been
taking my medication every day...

Probably should be...

Just it's really annoying trying to sleep
when it's not working the way it used to.

I end up drugged up, needing to sleep, 
trying to sleep, and still freaking can't...

I hate the feeling of being drugged up, 
trying to sleep...

All the "get to sleep tricks" I have don't really work, 
even drugged up on that sh*t...

And I'm just laying there, drugged up...
Trying to sleep. It's annoying. 

I'd rather just not be drugged up
if I can't sleep anyway.

That's why I haven't been taking it...

Although, I should be...

At least my BPD meds if anything...

But can't figure out if it's a combo of not taking them, 
and the heat... Being too hot... 

Like dehydration, and not being on my medication...

Not really looking forward to going out on Friday night.
I said I would and she really wants me to go.

I think she just doesn't want to be alone with the guy.
He doesn't seem like a bad guy...

Just that he's going there to try to hook up...
She told me.

He's going to be looking for a dude...

I don't care about that part, but she's grossed out.

Guys being into guys, whatever.
As long as they aren't trying to be up my @ss... Cool.

We're living in the "village" and there will be a parade...
Soon. Don't know when, but they said July...
When I'd asked when so I could "prepare"
BY NOT GOING TO THAT STREET.

I could probably see some of it
from my balcony... 

I just would rather avoid that whole DAY.

NOT BECAUSE I'M HOMOPHOBIC.
I JUST... LEAVE IT FOR PEOPLE WHO
CELEBRATE IT
TO CELEBRATE IT.

And there shouldn't be
ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

LIKE HOW SOME PEOPLE
DON'T CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS
OR OTHER DAYS...

OR VALENTINE'S DAY...

Anyway, being g@y is a thing.
Not something I have a problem with.

I just don't have to want it
"in my face."

If that makes any sense.

If anything, Canada should have a Terry Fox parade. Okay?

It'd be like if any other minority had a celebratory thing...

Why can't we have something EVERYONE can and wants to celebrate?

Sure, you could celebrate "pride" if you're not g@y...
If that's what you want to do...

But I'm thinking more people would come together
to celebrate Terry Fox.

Like "Terry Fox Day."

CANADA'S SLACKING ON THAT STUFF.

LOOK HOW LONG IT TOOK
FOR HIM TO BE ON OUR MONEY?

AND WHY THE $5 BILL?
WHY NOT THE $50?

Maybe more kids would see a $5 than a $50...

A Terry Fox parade is something you could take your kids to see.

AND ALL CANCER SURVIVORS... AND EVERYONE
WHO'S PROUD TO BE CANADIAN
CAN CELEBRATE HIM.

LIKE WE SHOULD BE.

From one end of the city to the other, 
kind of like how he wanted to go
from coast to coast...

AND WHY CAN'T TIM'S HAVE A TERRY FOX DONUT
OR SOMETHING?

FOR TERRY FOX DAY...

His BIRTHDAY would be the best day.

HEAR ME CANADA?! WE WANT A TERRY FOX DAY!!!!
MAKE THAT HAPPEN!!!!

Sure, he's passed a long time ago...

BUT WHAT HE DID AND REPRESENTED...
SHOULD NEVER DIE.

That's what Canada should be ABOUT.

Sure, equal "rights" or whatever. Okay...

BUT THE RIGHTS SHOULD BE HUMAN RIGHTS.
NOT MAKE IT INTO A THING
WHERE CERTAIN MINORITIES
HAVE SEPARATE RIGHTS...

LIKE RIGHTS TO HAVE PARADES
AND FINE A WHOLE TOWN
FOR NOT WANTING TO HAVE IT
IN THEIR TOWN...

THAT'S NOT AN EQUAL RIGHT.
AND SHOULDN'T BE A HUMAN RIGHT.

TO FINE OVER A FKN PARADE...

"I have the right to push the limit because I want to."

No, you just WANT TO.
BIG DIFFERENCE.

I say NO to ENTITLEMENT.

BE G@Y ALL YOU WANT, 
NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!!!!!

BUT ACTING ENTITLED
TO EVERYTHING YOU WANT?

NO! FK OFF WITH THAT SH*T.

Entitled to rainbow crosswalks?!
Rainbow villages, too?
Parades, too?

What else? What next?

THAT IS WHAT I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH.
NOBODY SHOULD BE ENTITLED TO
THESE THINGS
OR ANY "THING" THEY WANT
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT IT.

Like that bench, outside, for example...
NOBODY'S ENTITLED TO PAINT THEIR NAME
ON A BENCH THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE
FOR THE WHOLE BUILDING... 

A WHOLE BUILDING ONLY GETS ONE BENCH?

Over 200 people live here.
And they gave us ONE bench.

It's because they want us to use the backyard, 
but it's hot back there, because there's no shade...

It'd be nice if they gave us a space to sit under something, 
to get the sun off us, so we could sit out there...

Like a gazebo, but we'd get cr@ckers ruining it...

How long did we have a bench before she wrote on it?
In some sort of liquid paint stuff?

WE HAVE "ART" ON THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING...
LARGE METAL SHEETS THAT HAVE PAINTINGS ON THEM...

AND SOMEONE TOOK A SHARP OBJECT
AND SCRAPED A "PENIS"
INTO THE METAL.

NO GETTING RID OF IT, IT'S SCRAPED INTO IT.

SH*T LIKE THAT...

WHAT GIVES THEM A RIGHT
TO SCRAPE A "PENIS" INTO IT?

JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO?

WANTING TO DO SOMETHING
DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO DO IT!!!

Another example of this:

Mirror smasher...

DID HE HAVE THE RIGHT TO EVEN
PICK UP MY BASEBALL BAT?

LET ALONE SMASH MY MIRROR WITH IT?

I DIDN'T HAVE A RIGHT TO PUT HIM IN AN ARM LOCK, 
BUT I DID THAT TO PREVENT HIM
FROM HARMING HIMSELF.

AND I CARED ENOUGH ABOUT THE GUY
TO EVEN FKN DO IT.

WHICH OF COURSE GOT "OVERLOOKED"
LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT ME.

WAS MORE "IMPORTANT" TO HIM
THAT HE MADE ME OUT TO BE "CRAZY"
AND GASLIT ME.

THAT WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO HIM.
NOT THAT I CARED, THOUGH.

And even though I once cared...

THAT DOESN'T MAKE HIM ENTITLED
FOR ME TO KEEP CARING
AND FOR ANYTHING I WAS DOING
BECAUSE I CARED...

SMASHING MY MIRROR
WAS HIM ACTING ENTITLED TO THAT.
HE NEVER WAS.

SHOULD I CARE ABOUT SOMEONE
WHO WANTS TO ACT ENTITLED TO
EVERYTHING
WHILE GIVING BACK 
NOTHING
BUT 
SH*TTY ATTITUDE?

OBVIOUSLY HE ONLY CARED ABOUT
ME BENDING OVER FKN BACKWARD.

NOT WHY.

MAYBE IF HE REALLY CARED ABOUT THAT...

HE COULD HAVE APPRECIATED IT.
NOT ACTED ENTITLED TO IT.

F*CKER!

It was like:
"I want to act like an entitled piece of sh*t
BUT I WANT YOU TO STILL CARE ABOUT ME
WHILE NOT SHOWING YOU
I CARE ABOUT YOU, 
AT ALL...

BECAUSE IF I CARED ABOUT YOU, 
I WOULDN'T HAVE TREATED YOU
LIKE I WAS ENTITLED TO
ANYTHING YOU EVER OFFERED ME
WHILE TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL
"CRAZY"
FOR EVER OFFERING IT TO ME
AT ALL, EVER.

Gaslighting me to me is one thing, too.

BUT HE WANTED TO TALK SH*T.
LIKE I'M JUST SOMEONE "CRAZY" ETC.

NOT "CRAZY" ENOUGH TO KEEP
SHOWING UP FOR SOMEONE
WHO WANTED TO FKN ACT LIKE THAT.

TO THE ONE PERSON WHO CARED
ENOUGH TO PUT THEM IN AN ARM LOCK...

MAYBE EVEN SAVING HIS LIFE BY DOING IT.

BUT THAT NEVER COUNTED FOR ANYTHING?

BEING THERE FOR HIM, BECAUSE I WANTED TO...
NOT BECAUSE I EVER FKN HAD TO...

SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANYTHING
TO BE GASLIT ABOUT.

WANTING WHAT WAS EVEN FKN FAIR
OR HAVE ANYONE JUST FKN DO RIGHT BY ME

SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANYTHING
TO BE GASLIT ABOUT.

I'M NOT "CRAZY"
FOR WANTING TO BE
TREATED WITH RESPECT FFS.

JUST THAT.
BARE MINIMUM.

And I have a right to be "upset" about that sh*t.

But I don't have to let it "stop" me from doing
what it is that I want to do, for myself, now

OR EVER.

MOVING UP, ALONE.

IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN HOLDING MYSELF BACK
FOR WHAT? FOR HIM?!!!! LOL!!!!!

HE DOESN'T GET TO ACT
LIKE AN ENTITLED PIECE OF SH*T
AND BLAME ME FOR HIM CHOOSING
TO FKN ACT LIKE THAT...

AND THEN TRY TO MAKE ME SEEM "CRAZY"
ON TOP?

If it was the other way around...

I'M PRETTY SURE HE WOULDN'T APPRECIATE IT.
RIGHT?

THEN GETS MAD I DON'T WANT TO BE HIS "FRIEND"
ANYMORE?

HE'S MAD BECAUSE HE'S NOT GETTING
ANYTHING HE WOULD BE GETTING

HAD HE JUST TREATED ME
LIKE SOMEONE WHO FKN MATTERED TO HIM.

BUT Y'KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T FKN HAVE TO "MATTER"
TO HIM, OR ANYONE LIKE HIM...

I DON'T.

OR THEY'D THINK THEY WERE ENTITLED
TO EVERYTHING I WAS OFFERING.

WITHOUT EVEN WANTING ME TO WANT WHAT?
DIGNITY?

THE BASIC DIGNITY THAT COMES WITH
BASIC RESPECT.

Push people away being a piece of sh*t...
YOU CAN'T WANT WHAT?

YOU CAN'T WANT THEM TO STICK AROUND.

YOU CAN'T WANT FKN ANYTHING FROM THEM.

BECAUSE WHEN THEY ARE GONE,
THEY ARE GONE.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET
NOT APPRECIATING THEIR SOLID
REAL GENUINE CARE.

BEING AROUND FAKE PEOPLE
WHO WOULDN'T GIVE ENOUGH OF A FK
TO PUT YOU IN AN ARM LOCK
TO MAKE YOU DROP A FKN RIG...

@SSHOLE!!!!!

What was I supposed to do?
Stand there and watch him k1ll himself?

AND HE'D DO THAT TO FKN HURT ME.

JUST FOR NOT WHAT?
TOLERATING MORE FKN ABUSE?

FROM THE LAST PERSON
WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN TRYING TO
FKN ABUSE ME?!!!!

The constant gaslighting...

WHY WOULD I WANT TO LIVE
WITH ANYONE WHO'D FKN DO THAT SH*T TO ME?

JUST TO SHOW THEM I CARE?

IF THEY CARED THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
DOING ANY OF THE SH*T THEY DID.

AND ANY TIME I "TRIED" TO POINT THAT OUT, 
I WAS BEING "IMMASCULATING"?

BECAUSE I WAS STOMPING ON HIS INFLATED EGO?

TOO BAD! YOU THINK I WANT TO BE AROUND THAT SH*T?
I DON'T FKN HAVE TO BE AROUND THAT SH*T.

EVEN TO "PROVE" THAT I CARE...

I DID ENOUGH TO SHOW IT.

INSTEAD I GOT THIS?

NOT THE CARE I GAVE? TIME I GAVE?

BUT TAKE IT AWAY, THOUGH...

YOU GET THEM ACTING LIKE A SPOILED
ENTITLED PIECE OF SH*T.

GETTING MAD THAT THEY DON'T GET
ANYTHING FROM ME, ANYMORE.

WHY FKN SHOULD THEY?

DID I EVER OWE IT TO THEM?

WHAT ABOUT WHAT I'M OWED?

BUT WANTING WHAT I'M OWED
AND ACTING LIKE AN ENTITLED SH*T
DOESN'T MEAN I'LL GET IT.

KICKING HIM OUT WAS ABOUT BOUNDARIES
THAT I'M ALLOWED TO FKN HAVE.

LIMITS THAT I'M ALLOWED TO FKN HAVE.

WHETHER I CARE OR NOT.

I NEVER DESERVED THAT SH*T.

But not giving me the time and care that I gave
WAS FKN BS.

GASLIGHTING ME
WAS FKN BS.

I'M 41!!!! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR BS!!!!

BEING TREATED THE WAY I WAS BEING TREATED
WAS FKN BS!!!!!!

THEN I SHOW THEM A GLIMPSE
OF WHAT THEY WERE SHOWING ME?!

DON'T PROJECT YOUR BS AT ME.

It's as though I've been treated the worst
by people who were supposed to care about me.

WHO HAD LITTLE REASON NOT TO
OTHER THAN WANTING TO IMPRESS
OR APPEASE PEOPLE
WHO WANTED TO RUIN IT.

AND IF THEY COULD THINK FOR THEMSELVES
IT WOULDN'T MATTER
WHAT THEY THOUGHT!!!!

You want to know how many times 
PEOPLE WERE TRYING TO 
PUT A KEY IN MY BACK?

WANTING MY ATTENTION AWAY
FROM HIM?

But at the same time...
WHY WOULD THEY WANT ME
TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT BY HIM?
OR ANYONE ELSE?

I COULD HAVE LET THEM TELL ME WHAT TO DO
WHEN IT CAME TO HIM
INSTEAD OF DECIDING FOR MYSELF...

BUT DID I?
CAME CLOSE A FEW TIMES...

UNTIL I FINALLY GAVE UP ON HIM
BECAUSE HE WAS "UNWILLING"
TO MAKE THE "CHANGES"

IN JUST FKN ATTITUDE
TOWARD ME.

SO FK IT.

WHY CONTINUE WITH THAT?

JUST SO HE CAN TELL EVERYONE
WHATEVER HE WANTS
THEM TO THINK ABOUT ME?

DO THEY KNOW MW?
SO WHY WOULD I CARE?

IF THEY KNEW ME, 
THEY'D KNOW IT WAS BS, ANYWAY.

SO SHOULD I CARE?

BUT GET MAD THAT I DON'T?
ANYMORE?

BEAUSE I'M NOT SOMEONE
WHO CARES WHAT EVERYONE THINKS? LOL.

IF I DID, I PROBABLY WOULDN'T WRITE.

EVEN FOR MYSELF.

But the lesson is...
YOU CAN CARE ABOUT SOMEONE, 
EVEN LOVE THEM, 

BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU
ENTITLED TO THEIR LOVE, BACK.

OR THEIR APPRECIATION
THAT YOU EVEN CARE...

BUT... HAVING SAID THAT...

YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP GIVING ANYONE
ANY MORE OF WHAT 
THEY CLEARLY
NEVER APPRECIATED...

ANYTHING THEY AREN'T THANKFUL FOR...

GIVING THEM MORE OF IT....

DOESN'T GUARANTEE
THAT THEY EVER WILL APPRECIATE IT
OR BE THANKFUL ENOUGH
TO ACT THANKFUL...

JUST THAT.

And because you don't need to...

THEY CAN'T ACT ALL SHOCKED AND MAD
AND ENTITLED...

WHEN YOU STOP.

It bugs me so much seeing examples of this.

Like parents supporting their spoiled
unappreciative adult children...

Examples being when the parents
want to stop supporting them
and they get so mad they k1ll their parents.

AS THOUGH THEY NEVER APPRECIATED ANYTHING
THEY EVER DID FOR THEM...

BUT WANTED TO ACT ENTITLED TO IT.

Like "Mommy and Daddy don't CARE about me
OR THEY'D KEEP GIVING AND GIVING AND GIVING
UNTIL THEY HAVE NOTHING LEFT FOR THEMSELVES..."

MAYBE CARE ENOUGH ABOUT THEM
CARING ALL THESE YEARS, 
GIVING YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANTED

UNTIL THEY PHYSICALLY 
OR FINANCIALLY...
COULDN'T...

THEN THEY DON'T MATTER AS YOUR PARENTS?!
AS PEOPLE WHO SUPPORTED YOU?

After so much fkn abuse...
VERBALLY... INSULTS.... ETC...

THERE WAS NO POINT.

WHAT WAS THE POINT?
TO "PROVE" "MYSELF"
THAT I "CARE"
HOW I FELT?

OVER AND OVER AND OVER
TO BE TRASHED, ABUSED, 
THREATENED ETC...?

BECAUSE THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE A POINT, NOW.

No point in "dating" or "s3x" or "intimacy"....

OR IN TRYING TO OR IN WANTING TO
CONNECT
OR RECONNECT WITH FKN ANYONE...

FOR THAT SH*T!!!!????

NO FKN THANKS.

If you want to waste my time cheating yourself out of
SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY, REALLY CARED...

SHOULD I BEND MYSELF OUT OF SHAPE
TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO YOU
WHY YOU PROBABLY
SHOULDN'T WANT TO DO THAT?

But let them have whatever it is they think they want.

I wasn't the reason he was "unsatisfied."
HE WASN'T LEADING, HE WAS FOLLOWING.

LIKE HE'S DONE ALL HIS LIFE.
BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK.

IF HE WAS LEADING, MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE
A REASON TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF?

AND WHEN I "LEAD," I WAS "IMASSCULATING."

If you don't know the difference between
SOMEONE STANDING UP FOR THEMSELVES...
AND THEM TRYING TO "IMMASCULATE" YOU....

IS THAT MY PROBLEM?

WOULD IT BE YOUR PROBLEM
IF I DIDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?

AND IF YOU DON'T WANT SOMEONE
(OR LIKE IT, OR CAN'T TAKE IT)
STANDING UP TO YOU
DN'T FKN GIVE THEM A REASON TO.

SIMPLE!

AND HAVING AN INFLATED EGO
DOESN'T MAKE A MALE "A MAN."

THAT FACT IS WHAT IS IMMASCULATING.

NOT ME, STANDING UP FOR MYSELF.
WHICH I SHOULDN'T BE
FKN FORCED TO FKN DO.

OR BE THIS "BRUTAL" 
ABOUT THE TRUTH.

Smashing someone over the head with the truth...

"Don't have to smash me over the head with it..."

IF YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP ACTING LIKE I FKN DO
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT I'M GOING TO FKN DO?!!!

The only time I ever "smashed him in the head"
was when I whipped a can of soda at his head

IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE SMASHED MY MIRROR
WITH MY BASEBALL BAT.

DID IT GIVE ME A RIGHT TO DO IT? NO.

I WASN'T ENTITLED TO DO IT
JUST BECAUSE I WANTED TO.

JUST LIKE HE WASN'T ENTITLED TO SMASH MY MIRROR
OR DO XYZ TO ME...

JUST BECAUSE HE WANTED TO.

INCLUDING THREATS OF PHYSICAL HARM.

ON TOP OF GASLIGHTING.

ON TOP OF THE STALKING SH*T.
BY JEALOUS FEMALES...

IF THEY WEREN'T JEALOUS, WHY DO IT?

IF I WASN'T A "THREAT"TO THEM, 
WHY "THREATEN" ME?

I WAS A THREAT TO WHAT THEY WANTED.

WE DIDN'T EVEN WANT THE SAME THINGS LOL.

All I did was damage his pride.

BECAUSE HE WAS TOO PRIDEFUL
TO FKN RESPECT ME.

WHAT WOULD I FIND "ATTRACTIVE" ABOUT THAT?
ABOUT ACTING ENTITLED, EITHER?

ABOUT FLYING MONKEYS AND THREATS
AND GARBAGE?

SOUNDS "FUN."
SOUNDS LIKE WHERE I WANNA BE... NOT.

SOUNDS LIKE I HAVE
BETTER THINGS TO DO.

THAN TO WASTE ANY MORE TIME, ON THAT.

AND THEN GET MAD THAT I DON'T WANT TO?
WHY SHOULD I WANT TO?

ANY REASON WHY?

THEY AREN'T ENTITLED TO WASTE MY TIME!
AND THEY CAN ONLY DO IT,
IF I ALLOW IT.

IT'S ON ME THAT I ALLOWED IT.

I NEVER HAD TO!!!!!!!

AND IF THE FACT THAT I NEVER HAD TO
IS SOMEHOW IMMASCULATING...

THEN, I GUESS NONE OF US ARE "MEN."

BECAUSE A FACT IS A FACT IS A FACT.
NO MATTER HOW THREATENING
THE FACT IS TO AN INFLATED EGO...

IF YOUR INFLATED EGO
IS YOUR "MASCULINITY"
THERE'S SOMETHING TF WRONG, 
WITH THAT.

Not sorry for busting that "balloon."

If your ego is your PERSONA
YOUR WHOLE IDENTITY...

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT.

It's not supposed to be up to me
TO EVEN PUT THESE THINGS INTO WORDS...

OR GO TO GREAT LENGTHS EXPLAINING
WHAT I WISH EVERYONE KNEW
AND ACTED LIKE
AND LIVED LIKE THEY KNEW...

TO ERASE THE WORLD OF THIS BS.
IT'S DISGUSTING.

BUT WHEN I DO POINT IT OUT
EVEN FOR SOMEONE'S BENEFIT...

THEY WANT TO TRY TO TRASH ME FOR IT?

AND TRYING TO TRASH ME FOR IT...

WHAT IS THAT EVEN PROVING?
THAT YOU DO THAT SH*T?
THAT YOU ACT LIKE THAT?

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS TO ME.

The only things I'm trashing
are TRASHY EGOS.

*SWOOP INTO THE TRASH
LIKE SINKING A BASKET*

TRASH ME ALL YOU WANT
FOR TRASHING YOUR EGO.

SHOULD HAVE CARED WHAT I THOUGHT, TOO, 
I GUESS...

WHY WOULD I WANT TO STROKE
A TRASHY EGO?

A HEALTHY ONE? SURE!

If I had a trashy ego
I WOULD HAVE USED PEOPLE'S 
INSECURITIES AGAINST THEM
LIKE THEY TRIED TO DO TO ME.

I DIDN'T DO THAT.
THAT'S NOT SOMETHING THAT I DO.

THE THINGS I DIDN'T DO
ARE THINGS I DON'T DO.

THE FACT ALONE
THAT I DON'T DO THOSE THINGS
COULD HAVE BEEN APPRECIATED...

BUT IF YOU'RE NOT BEING APPRECIATED
AS A PERSON... EVEN...

YOUR TIME, YOUR EFFORT, YOUR CARE, 
YOUR SUPPORT 
YOUR KINDNESS...

NOTHING ELSE ABOUT YOU WILL BE.

NO FACTS ABOUT YOU. NOTHING.

WHY WASTE TIME WHERE YOU'RE NOT
BEING APPRECIATED?

Here's something that hurt so bad that I hurt for this guy...
Not mirror smasher... 
Sylvester Stalone...

HE HAD INVITED HIS MOTHER TO GO WITH HIM
TO THE OSCAR AWARDS...

WHEN HE WON FOR "ROCKY."

AND SHE SAID IF YOU DON'T INVITE MY HAIRDRESSER,
I'M NOT GOING.

SHE DIDN'T GO!

SHE ACTED AS THOUGH HE WOULD HAVE BEEN NOTHING
WITHOUT HER.

SHE EVEN SAID AS MUCH IN AN INTERVIEW...

HE BECAME EVERYTHING DESPITE HER.

AND THAT'S A HARSH FACT.

AND I HATE SAYING THAT ABOUT ANYONE'S MOTHER.

HE WANTED HER JUST TO BE THERE!
AND TO ACT LIKE THAT?!

It just disgusted me... So deeply... 
AND TO SEE NOTHING DISGUSTING ABOUT IT....
IS BEYOND DISGUSTING.

I got so deeply disgusted by mirror smasher
that I lost all attraction.

Not just to him, 
BUT ESPECIALLY TO HIM.

AND HE HAS HIMSELF
AND HER AND ALL THE OTHERS TO FKN THANK.

EVERYONE HE LISTENED TO.
EVERYONE HE WAS APPEASING.

BY TREATING ME LIKE SH*T.

YEAH. DISGUSTED.

Disgusted to such a degree
that I'm turned OFF.

WHY WOULDN'T I BE?

Speaking about being turned off...

I watched a video about a case...

A female was married to a guy
WHO PUNCHED HIS DAUGHTER 
IN THE FACE SO HARD
THAT HE K1LLED HER...

WHEN IT CAME TO MAKING A DEAL
ABOUT TESTIFYING AGAINST HIM...

ONE OF THE THINGS SHE WANTED...

BESIDES WANTING HER KIDS...

WAS "ONE LAST TIME" WITH THE GUY.

THE DUDE NOT ONLY K1LLED
HIS 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
IN FRONT OF HER...

SHE DIDN'T STOP HIM FROM H*TTING HER...
BECAUSE ANY OF THE OTHER TIMES
HE DID IT...

SHE COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING....

BEFORE IT GOT TO HER DYING...

AND AFTER THAT, SHE WAS COMPLICIT
BECAUSE SHE KNEW FOR 2 YEARS
AND DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING...

AND DIDN'T TAKE THEIR KIDS
AWAY FROM THE GUY
KNOWING HE'S CAPABLE
OF DOING THAT SH*T....

DIDN'T MENTION BEING SCARED OF THE GUY
OR WANTING PROTECTION FROM HIM,

JUST WANTED TO BOINK HIM
ONE LAST TIME

BEFORE "DOING THE RIGHT THING."

WHICH SHE COULD HAVE JUST DONE.

ANY TIME BEFORE OR AFTER,
DURING THE 2 YEARS...

AND THE GUY KEPT THE BODY
OF HIS DAUGHTER WITH THEM
FOR MONTHS...

AND SHE HAD PROOF, HER BODY
STILL SAID NOTHING.

BUT THEY NEEDED HER TESTIMONY. 

BECAUSE HE DUMPED HER BODY SOMEWHERE...

JUST SAYING THAT ANY TIME...
SHE COULD HAVE DONE "THE RIGHT THING."

AND SHE WANTED "ONE LAST TIME." WTF.

ISN'T ALL THAT ENOUGH TO NOT WANT HIM?

WHY WOULD YOU WANT A GUY WHO BEATS HIS DAUGHTER?
LET ALONE STAY WITH HIM?

THE GUY'S D*CK'S MORE IMPORTANT
THAN THE SAFETY OF YOUR OWN KIDS, TOO?

SHE HAD 2 KIDS WITH HIM. 
HIS DAUGHTER WAS FROM A PREVIOUS 
RELATIONSHIP.

KIDS SHOULDN'T MATTER ONLY
IF THEY'RE YOURS!!!

INSTEAD, THE DUDE HAD TO BE LIKE THAT?
AND THAT WAS STILL "ATTRACTIVE"?

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING ABOUT
TRASHY EGOS.

ENTITLEMENT.

HE WAS NEVER ENTITLED TO HIT HIS DAUGHTER...

AND TO STROKE HIS EGO BY STAYING WITH HIM
"NO MATTER WHAT"

IS WHY IT GOT TO THAT POINT.

THERE ARE CONDITIONS.

IF YOU'RE A FK WHO THINKS YOU'RE ENTITLED...
TO THE POINT IT OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN
DISGUSTING...

DON'T EXPECT ME TO STICK AROUND
"NO MATTER WHAT."

GUARANTEED THERE'S BETTER D*CK OUT THERE
IF THAT'S WHAT IT WAS ABOUT...

HOW CAN YOU BE ABOUT THE D*CK OF A GUY
YOU CAN'T EVEN RESPECT?

WHAT WAS THERE TO RESPECT?

A GUY WHO BEAT HIS 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER?

REGULARLY. THEN TO DEATH.

AND IF ANYONE HAD SAID ANYTHING, 
OR DONE ANYTHING...

SHE'D BE HERE, STILL, RIGHT?

That's what I'm talking about when I say DISGUSTED.

WHAT SHOULD BE DISGUSTING ABOUT SOMEONE
SHOULD JUST BE DISGUSTING ABOUT THEM.

AND THEY SHOULD REALIZE IT.

BE SMASHED OVER THE HEAD WITH THE FACT.

THE FACT HE'S NOT ENTITLED TO JUST DO XYZ...
BECAUSE HE WANTS TO...

AND THE FACT HE WANTED TO...
SHOWS A LOT ABOUT HIM... 

THAT ALONE SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING.

THE FACT THAT HE SH0T SOMEONE IN THE FACE
BEFORE GETTING CUSTODY OF HER...

SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING.

NOBODY'S ENTITLED TO SH00T SOMEONE.

UNLESS SELF-DEFENSE.

OR SAVING SOMEONE'S LIFE...

BUT SH00TING SOMEONE
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO?

MAYBE THAT'S WHY CANADA DOESN'T HAVE AS MANY GUNS?

IMAGINE IF WE JUST SH0T EVERYONE
BECAUSE WE WANTED TO?

FELT ENTITLED TO JUST DO XYZ?

EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT?

LOOK AT ALL THE SH*T HISTORY SHOULD HAVE TAUGHT US
ABOUT THINKING WE WERE
ENTITLED TO JUST XYZ...

Push someone to give up on you
you can't get mad that they do.

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY HAVE REASONS
THEY FKN SHOULD!!!!

LIKE FK YOU, DUDE!!!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

KING OF D*CK? NO.

LOWER THAN SH*T? YES.

The video I watched about Sylvester Stalone...

He's a guy who was proud of his kids.

Like... The guilt he has for putting his career first...
He cared.

His mother put her hairdresser first.

Would it have k1lled her to be proud of him?
Just that once?

I KNOW HOW IT FEELS.

I WANTED SOMEONE TO BE PROUD OF ME.

I NEEDED TO BE PROUD OF MYSELF.


WHAT WE THINK WE WANT AND WHAT WE NEED
ARE OFTEN TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS...

I CAN SAY THAT I AM. VERY.

SAYING NO TO ANY MORE BS.

OVERCOMING A LOT OF SH*T
THAT REALLY, PROBABLY
WOULD HAVE "BROKE" SOME PEOPLE.

AND SOME PEOPLE SEEM TO RESENT ME
THAT I MADE IT "SEEM EASY."
IT REALLY FKN WASN'T.

FOR NOT "SAVING" THEM
EVEN WHEN I FKN TRIED TO.

WAS ANYONE THERE TO "SAVE" ME?
ANYONE WANT TO? 

EVEN IF ANYONE HAD, 
WAS IT THEIR JOB?

WAS I EVER ENTITLED TO THAT?

NO?

SO WHY FKN RESENT ME
WHEN I HAVE HAD TO DO SO MUCH
"HEALING" ON MY OWN?

FKN DESPITE PEOPLE
NOT WANTING ME TO...

I NEEDED TO!!!! FOR ME!!!!

DO I WANT MIRROR SMASHER TO
HEAL FROM HIS INSECURITIES
THAT "MAKE" HIM ACT LIKE THAT?

YEAH.

I WISH HE REALIZED WHY HE NEVER HAD TO.

AND REALLY WISH HE HADN'T...

BUT, HAD HE NOT WANTED TO...
HE WOULDN'T HAVE...

XYZ...

THE PROBLEM IS HE WANTED TO.

I COULD HAVE FKN HURT HIM.
WAY WORSE THAN HE DID TO ME.

WOULDN'T HAVE DONE HIM
LIKE SHE DID...

WHICH I WISH HE'D REALIZED...
AND WHY...

BUT...

I'M NOT IN CHARGE
OF WHAT ANYONE REALIZES.

If I was...
THEY'D ACT LIKE THEY REALIZED.

THERE WOULD BE NO REASON
FOR ME TO WANT THEM TO REALIZE.

BECAUSE THEY JUST WOULD!!!!

EASILY, TOO!

WITH NO FIGHT ABOUT IT.
NO RESISTING REALIZING...

NO NEED TO EXPLAIN IT LIKE THIS... EVER.

NO WASTED TIME.

NO PROBLEMS.

NO DISGUST AND DISTRUST.

Would have been what?
JUST LIKE IT COULD HAVE BEEN?
HAD HE LISTENED?

IF HE WASN'T GOING TO LISTEN
TO ME WARNING HIM HE WAS PUSHING IT...

HE WOULDN'T HAVE LISTENED TO ME
IF I TOLD HIM HOW I OVERCAME THINGS...

BY WHAT? REALIZING SOME THINGS!!!!!

HE COULD HAVE REALIZED
HAD HE WANTED TO LISTEN...

Y'know... The reason I'm even still blogging
is that *maybe* someone who wants to listen...

Might realize that there's at least some truth
in what I'm saying.

Otherwise why fkn say it?
To watch myself type it?

Maybe to earn a stranger a free dinner? 
(Still the best compliment I've ever had, ever).

Never saw that coming. Why would I?

But goes to show that people listen... Though.
What I've been saying makes some sense, I guess...

BUT ALSO IF IT CAME FROM ANYONE ELSE,
IT'D BE APPRECIATED LOL.

Still, I appreciate that compliment so much...!!!!

Someone read what I said, it made sense, 
they shared it.

AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO.

BUT WHAT IS OF BENEFIT...
IS OF BENEFIT...

IF THE TRUTH HELPS, IT HELPS.

I'm happy I could help someone out.

Two people.
The one who shared what I said,
and the person they shared it with...

I appreciate that, a lot. 

That they did that, shared what I said, 
and that it helped. 

And it's the best compliment I ever got.

Because it's been frustrating, having things to say...

THAT SHOULDN'T EVEN NEED TO BE SAID...

AND ALL THESE YEARS...

OF TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO 
"BRICK WALL PEOPLE"

AND THEN THEY WONDER WHY
I'M SMASHING THEM IN THE HEAD WITH THE TRUTH?

TO FKN GET THROUGH!!!!

IF IT WASN'T A BRICK WALL
NO NEED FOR A SLEDGE HAMMER?
OR WRECKING BALL?

But sometimes make a better point
of just being disgusted and have them wondering
WHAT'S DISGUSTING YOU?

BUT MAD THAT I'M DISGUSTED?
AND YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY?
AND BLAME ME FOR YOUR INABILITY
TO FIGURE OUT WHY?

Here's something I figured out.

If you let someone disrespect you, 
that's all they're going to do
or keep trying to do.

Same as if you let them waste your time.

Or sh*t on you.

If you allow it, they'll keep going.

Like... How she cheated on mirror smasher
but he kept staying.

AND SHE KEPT DOING IT...

AND DIDN'T WANT HIM TO BE WITH
SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T.

BECAUSE I'M A "THREAT"
TO HER GETTING XYZ.

IF HE REALIZED AND LEFT.

IT WOULD HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH
HIM REALIZING
AND WANTING BETTER,
NOT ME.

SO WHY "THREATEN" ME?

But am I going to force him to realize that?
Or anything else?

HE DIDN'T WANT TO!

WHAT IS IT ABOUT REALIZING STUFF
THAT SCARES PEOPLE?

WOULDN'T YOU HAVE WANTED TO REALIZE?
FOR YOUR OWN SAKE?

GROWTH?
MATURITY?
UNDERSTANDING?
WISDOM?
STRENGTH?
POWER?

WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT THAT?

You don't "win" by playing games.

OR NOT REALIZING
THAT I'M NOT PLAYING.

NEVER WAS.

AND YOU ACCUSE SOMEONE
WHO'S BEEN REAL WITH YOU
OF PLAYING GAMES?

NO. I DON'T DO THAT SH*T.

BUT I'M ALLOWED TO CHANGE MY MIND.
I'M ALLOWED TO CHANGE
HOW I SEE SOMEONE...

IF SOMEONE'S TURNING ME OFF, 
IT'S TO DO WITH SOMETHING THEY ARE DOING.

HOW THEY'VE BEEN ACTING.

YOU GOING TO GIVE ME A SH*TTY ATTITUDE
JUST BECAUSE I WANTED YOU
TO REALIZE MORE THAN A FEW THINGS?

THEN GET MAD AT ME THAT YOU DIDN'T
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO?

REALLY? AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO?
EARN MY RESPECT?
ATTRACT ME?
MAKE ME CARE?

I WANT TO CARE... TYPICALLY.

BUT GIVE ME ENOUGH REASONS NOT TO...
DON'T BE SURPRISED THAT I FKN DON'T.

BUT THEY TAKE ME FOR GRANTED...
AND EXPECT ME TO JUST BE THERE...

THAT P*SSES ME OFF.

BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED
AND EXPECTED TO JUST BE THERE.

ALWAYS.

"NO MATTER WHAT."

MY LIFE'S AN EXAMPLE OF THAT.

That's what's been frustrating, the most.

IS WONDERING WHEN THEY ARE GOING TO REALIZE
THAT I'M NOT GOING TO BE THERE
"NO MATTER WHAT"
FOR ALL KINDS OF ABUSE AND NEGLECT.
THEY EXPECTED ME TO TOLERATE.

FOR THEM TO GET WHAT THEY WANT
ALL THE TIME
LIKE THEY ARE ENTITLED TO IT...

THEY AREN'T.

NEVER WERE.

SO WHY ACT AS THOUGH THEY WERE?

Here's another example...

A video about a case where an employee
at a McD's....

St@bbed her manager for sending her home early.

ACTING ENTITLED TO ST@B SOMEONE
JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO...

NOBODY'S ENTITLED TO A JOB AT MCD'S.
OR A JOB PERIOD. 

YOU KNOW HOW MANY JOBS I APPLIED FOR
THAT I DIDN'T GET?

WOULD THAT MAKE ME "ENTITLED"
TO GO ST@B SOMEONE
WHO DIDN'T "SEE MY POETENTIAL"?

IT'D BE LIKE THINKING I WAS "ENTITLED"
TO "ATTACK" MIRROR SMASHER
FOR HIM NOT REALIZING THINGS
HE COULD HAVE REALIZED
A LONG TIME AGO...

ENOUGH TIME'S P@SSED...

I COULD HAVE. RIGHT?
HAD I FELT "ENTITLED"
TO THE OUTCOME I WOULD HAVE WANTED?

"Nobody owes us our desired outcome."
Someone told me this.

But people try to act entitled all the time.

Like my ex wanted to act entitled to not working
when we were supposed to be working, 
AT WORK...

AND HAD I LET HIM KEEP SLACKING
THAT'S ALL HE WOULD HAVE DONE.

AND THEN THAT WOULD HAVE SPILLED
INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP.

WHICH IT DID.

But can't make him realize anything, either.

LIKE HITTING SOMEONE ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD,
ON THEIR TEMPLE,
COULD KILL A PERSON.

EVEN THOUGH HE COULD HAVE FKN K1LLED ME, 
DID I RETALIATE?!

I COULD HAVE, HAD I FELT "ENTITLED" TO DO IT.
LIKE HE FELT "ENTITLED" TO HIT ME.

AND GRAB ME BY THE WRISTS.

YOU CAN'T CALL THAT SELF DEFENSE...

EVEN IF I WANTED TO RETALIATE, 
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ASAULT.

AND I WAS SO MAD...
HAD I LET MYSELF GO INTO A BLIND RAGE....

BUT I'M NOT "ENTITLED" TO GO INTO A BLIND RAGE.

AND HAD PEOPLE REALIZED THAT I REALIZED THIS
A VERY LONG TIME AGO...

MAYBE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE USED THE ASSUMPTION
THAT I WOULD
AS "JUSTIFICATION"
TO FK ME AROUND.

JUST GASLIGHTING BS.

"SHE'S CRAZY. SHE'S GOING TO EXPLODE..."

NO. DESPITE ANYONE'S ASSUMPTIONS,
I DO HAVE SELF CONTROL. 

Otherwise, I would have retaliated
FOR GETTING PUNCHED IN THE HEAD.
MOST DEFINITELY.

And even if I had wanted to...

DOES WANTING TO =
BEING ENTITLED TO?

NO. IT DOESN'T.

And if it k1lls his ego
that it disgusts me...

HOW AM I TO BLAME FOR IT?

I SACRIFICED WHERE I WAS AT...
AFTER JUST QUITTING FKN DRINKING...

TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP
WITH A GUY WHO COULD HAVE K1LLED ME.

WOULD HAVING K1LLED ME BEEN HIS INTENT?
PROBABLY NOT.

DISRESPECTING ME
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO ALLOW YOU
TO SLACK AT WORK

AND THEN BLAME ME
BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO DISRESPECT ME?

AND COULD HAVE K1LLED ME...

but let's get back together like that didn't happen?

I couldn't just... 
I don't think I'll ever really be "over it."

Sure, forgive him for being that igorant.. 
Immature...

Had he appreciated me, the job, 
what we had... 

WOULD HE HAVE SACRIFICED IT ALL
TO BE LAZY?

AND WHAT P*SSED ME OFF
IS WHEN SOMEONE'S WATCHING ME WORK
AND COULD JUST F*CKING PUT THE EFFORT IN
AND CHOOSES NOT TO, 
TO WATCH ME.

I FKN HATE THAT SH*T.

FAIR IS WORKING TOO.

BECAUSE WE BOTH COULD HAVE RELAXED
AT HOME
AFTER WORK.

AND HAD THERE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE
TO TELL HIM TO GO BACK TO WORK
HE WOULD HAVE LISTENED!!!

INSTEAD OF BEING COOL
WITH ME DOING EVERYTHING
AND WATCHING ME FKN DO IT.

TAKING FOR GRANTED THAT I HELPED HIM
GET THE JOB.

I wasn't entitled to slack at work, because I wanted to.
IT'S WORK!!!!!

NOT GETTING PAID TO WATCH OTHERS WORK!
NOT GETTING PAID TO SIT THERE
WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING XYZ.

AND THE REASON I "LET" YOU
WAS BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY DOING MY WORK
TO REALIZE YOU WEREN'T DOING YOURS...

UNTIL YOU WERE DOING IT.
IN FRONT OF ME.

AND IT CLEARLY P*SSED ME OFF.

What also p*ssed me off was using the fact that
I was his girlfriend to feel entitled to just do that.

Even at home, it bugged me.

Like doing chores. 

It was my apartment
and I do take care of my stuff, eventually.

But when I'm cleaning, it could be a cue?
Instead of sitting there watching me?
Like you're entitled to me doing everything?

Just because I was our girlfriend?

I wouldn't have been entitled to him doing everything...

Just because he was y boyfriend.

Make sense?

Why that'd get under my skin?

AND THEN TO BE INSULTED
BECAUSE IT DID GET UNDER MY SKIN...

AND ASAULTED.

AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ASSAULT
IF I RETALIATED.

Even when I punched that kid in the nose
when I was 7.

I busted his nose. Assault.

They didn't turn it into a police matter...
They treated it as a school matter
because it happened at school. 

Pretty sure I wasn't charged for that.
HAD I BEEN AN ADULT, THOUGH...

HE COULD HAVE PRESSED CHARGES.

MAYBE HIS PARENTS COULD HAVE, I DUNNO.

MAYBE HE DIDN'T WANT TO.

I DON'T KNOW.

IT WAS SO LONG AGO NOW...

BUT HAD I BEEN AN ADULT, 
BREAKING SOMEONE'S NOSE
COULD LEAD TO AN ASSULT CHARGE.

EVEN IF PROVOKED...

BEING PROVOKED ISN'T AN EXCUSE
TO FEEL ENTITLED
TO BREAK SOMONE'S NOSE...

OR TO ST@B YOUR MANAGER...

I'm thankful my ex only punched me, and only once.
He and I were alone in that building. 

If he had decided to turn on me, 
he could have tried to.

But, I could have really hurt him.
HAD I WANTED TO.

BEING MAD AND EVEN WANTING TO
WAS NO EXCUSE AND
DIDN'T ENTITLE ME TO DO ANYTHING.

Anyway, just examples of stuff.
I'm done ranting, for today.