Going Out Soon

Being that I have a night for myself, 
I'm going out soon. 

For a long, night walk...

I'm writing the first half of this post before I go, 
and the second part when I get back...

I read a post I wrote about how I was in my feels.

A character in a movie had me thinking
of someone I used to know...

The guy was one of my best friends...

Roger.

I'm saying his name. He passed away.

I have a story about him...

We'd exchanged books before he died...
And there was a song I played when I was in my feels, about him...

For some reason, I was thinking:
"I won't get my book back."

Because he was dead or he would have
exchanged the books back.
Like we were going to...

Not that it mattered a whole lot...

I went to a thrift store...
Where I like to go look at books, get some, sometimes...

It was there. The book I loaned him.
It cost $4 and I only had $4...

AND WHAT WAS THE SONG PLAYING
IN THE STORE
OF ALL THE SONGS IT COULD HAVE BEEN?

THE SONG I LISTENED TO, 
WHEN I WAS IN MY FEELS, ABOUT HIM.

---------

I went out for a walk, tonight...

I went to a new chill spot...

There's a park with some benches and a pond, in it.

Next to a closed off street...
Residential street.

Hard to believe like one family
lives in any of those houses,
they're pretty massive.

Nice to just sit there, outside...

Just been pretty hot, even at night...
Even if it's cooled down...

I saw drug sh*t in the doorway
of a Chinese grocery store... 

In Chinatown...
In Canada.

That's BS.

Saw someone tucked in an overhang thing, 
just off the sidewalk, 
of a restaurant... 

Crazy.

Wild how bad it's gotten in the last 10 years.

It was bad before, but now?

Also, I saw a female looking at me
like she wanted to punch me out.

Just walking by...

Didn't say anything to her, 
the guy she was with said hi.

So I said hi back and kept walking... 

Wasn't out there, to try to meet anyone.

I did meet a guy, who asked me for some change, 
maybe a cr@cker... 

I'm thinking about telling him that the guy
that showed me his peen
is looking for someone to help him with stuff...

Then he won't be contacting me, 
he'll contact him, instead.

Been pushing replying to his messages...

Because I just haven't wanted to see the guy
after last time... 

Introduce him to someone else... 

Show the guy about WordPress and stuff like that...

Then, he can slowly take over from me.

Here's hoping, right?

Wasn't thinking about a lot, today... 

I mean, whatever I was thinking about, 
I already wrote about... 

But I guess in terms of that processing stuff... 

I feel "almost ready" to do some of it... 

Almost ready is better than unwilling, right?

It's just that I repressed so much sh*t...

And part of not processing it, was not knowing HOW.

"That's what therapy's for, A***."
Yeah, probably... 

I was in therapy, before. 

I wasn't really ready, then, either.

I wanted someone else to have my spot
so that they could get help.

Maybe more ready than I was.
At the time...

And when I thought I was doing pretty good, 
I thought I could do myself some good

by trying to process stuff on my own... 

As open as I've been on here, 
and even kinda "bled" on here... 

It's still hard to "talk" about some personal stuff.

NOT THAT I CARE IF ANYONE JUDGES ME FOR IT.

JUST THAT I DON'T AND CAN'T EXPECT
ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND IT.

AND IT'S FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND.

I can write about that stuff...
Stuff I've realized... 

I can write about how hard some stuff's been...

It's been so hard that I really didn't feel
"strong enough"
to take a lot of the sh*t I've "had to."

But when you don't really have much of a choice.
Either "accept" it as a fact... 

OR ALLOW IT TO "DESTROY" YOU...

Pretty sure that's why I repressed so much sh*t.

How I've felt about a lot of sh*t...
WHEN IT'S SO FKD UP
THAT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU SHOULD FEEL ABOUT IT...

SH*T THAT YOU'D EVEN TELL SOMEONE
TO ASK THEM HOW THEY'D FEEL ABOUT IT...

AND IF I DID WHAT MIRROR SMASHER DID TO ME, 
TO HIM, 

PRETTY SURE HE'D FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY
ABOUT IT.

ESPECIALLY IF I GASLIT HIM ABOUT IT...
ON TOP OF THAT SH*T.

AND EVEN THAT...
WTF IS THAT SH*T?

F*cking disappointing.

I guess that's a good place to start...
When it comes to how I've felt...

As an underlier... Disappointed.

In him, but in myself, too. 

Because I didn't need to let the BS continue.

AND WANTING WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
WAS NO REASON TO LET IT
CONTINUE.

SO I DIDN'T.

I HAD TO PUT A STOP TO THAT SH*T.
BECAUSE WHEN I GAVE HIM THE CHANCE(S) TO...
HE DIDN'T.

HE COULD HAVE, BUT HE DIDN'T.

SO I HAD TO.

DIDN'T WANT TO...

WHAT DID I WANT?
WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN.

THAT'S WHAT I WANTED.

NOT HIS MONEY, 
NOTHING FROM HIM... 

BUT JUST THE BASIC RESPECT
THAT WOULD HAVE GONE A LONG WAY, 
WITH ME.

BEING TREATED LIKE I MATTER...
LIKE HE CARED. HE DIDN'T.

OR HE WOULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER!
THE WHOLE TIME.

NOT JUST AFTER HAVING REGRET
FOR BEING A PIECE OF SH*T TO ME.

THEN WANT ANOTHER CHANCE?
LIKE HE DIDN'T JUST HAVE HOW MANY?

No, thanks. Not for me. Pass.

Anyway, I know that what I gave from my heart
will come back, to me.

That's how I can rest, easier...

I know where my intentions were.
I know I was loyal until I was pushed.

And really fkn pushed...

I took a lot of sh*t I didn't fkn deserve.

ALL FOR WANTING HIM TO REALIZE SOMETHING?

AND ACT LIKE HE DID?

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL I WANTED.

FOR HIM TO REALIZE IT.
AND ACT LIKE HE DID.

BUT, WHO CARES WHAT I WANTED?

NOT LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE TO
GET WHAT I WANTED

EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T A LOT.

IT WOULD HAVE MEANT, A LOT, 
TO ME, THOUGH.

NOT EVEN SURE WHY
JUST BEING TREATED LIKE I FKN MATTER
AND WHAT I WANT MATTERS
MATTERS THAT MUCH.

I MEAN, DOES IT MATTER
BECAUSE IT WAS THE LEAST HE COULD HAVE DONE?

SINCE THAT'S ALL I WANTED?

But, it's my job to treat myself
LIKE I MATTER.

BY NOT LETTING PEOPLE
TREAT ME AS THOUGH I DON'T.

BECAUSE THEY CAN GO FK THEMSELVES
SIDEWAYS 
WITH A SURFBOARD.

IF THEY WANT TO TREAT ME LIKE I DON'T, 
SHOULD THEY MATTER TO ME?

YES OR NO?

PROBABLY NOT.

So you want to talk about PAIN?
Of being treated like that?
Constantly?

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAD
GOOD INTENTIONS?
AND ACTUALLY REALLY CARED?
AND ACTUALLY REALLY TRIED?

But if people want to slam the door in their own face...
Like someone who wants to refuse opportunities... 

ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO HOLD THEM DOWN
AND SCREAM IT IN THEIR FACE?

THAT YOU LOVE THEM?
AND JUST WANT THEM TO
FKN WAKE UP TO THAT?

FOR THEM TO REALIZE IT?
AND ACT LIKE IT?

AND IF THEY REFUSE TO REALIZE THAT?
OR ANYTHING ELSE
ABOUT YOU?

WOULDN'T IT BE EXHAUSTING
AND JUST BURN YOU OUT
STAYING FOR MORE OF THAT SH*T?

"HEY, STOP DOING THAT SH*T."
"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?
WHERE'S YOUR SUCCESS STORY?"

"BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME
AND IF YOU WANT TO WASTE IT
YOU CAN GO FK OFF."

And now I'm trying to protect my time, my space, 

WHY WASTE IT ON ANYONE WHO
REFUSES TO ACT LIKE THEY APPRECIATE IT?

And even then... 

WHAT DO I LEAVE MYSELF WITH, 
ANYTHING LEFT FOR MYSELF?

I GAVE TOO MUCH OF MYSELF.

Good thing I realized that.

Or I would have just kept doing it.

Its okay o give of yourself...
BUT WHAT ARE YOU LEFT WITH
FOR YOURSELF?
ANYTHING?

IF YOU DON'T LEAVE YOURSELF
WITH ANYTHING, 
WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

I started "paying myself" first.
Automatically, into my savings... 

And people still ask me for money....

But if I can get that guy in touch with that guy...

That might work to my benefit.

Helping him out, earn a few extra dollars...

And if he gets good at WordPress...
If he gets good at recording videos... 

If he can fill in for me until he can replace me... 

That'd be awesome.

Anyway, someone who was talking about
looking for a job... 

I said that Needle Hunters are looking... 
That they pay $17/hour...

And he was like:
"Why would I do that?
I'm an ex junk13... 
That would "trigger" me."

YOUR TRIGGERS ARE UP TO YOU.

AND MAYBE IT'S NOT ABOUT "YOU."
IT'S ABOUT MAKING SOME MONEY...
AND CLEANING UP
SO PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO FKN SEE THAT SH*T.
CIVIC PRIDE.

BUT WHY LISTEN TO ME?
ABOUT ANYTHING?

"WHY WOULD I WANT TO LEARN WEB STUFF?"
*PROCEEDS TO GIVE ME EXCUSES*

Because, as you learn it, you might find it interesting?

YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO ACTUALLY APPLY IT?
IN A WAY THAT EARNS YOU MONEY?

MAYBE THAT'S WHY?

BUT WHY LISTEN TO ME?

I can't possibly know ANYTHING... RIGHT?

SO WHY LISTEN?

But when I'm making money...
THEN YOU WANT TO KNOW 
WHAT I'M DOING?

WHEN I TOLD YOU OR TRIED TO,
DID YOU FKN LISTEN?

OR DID YOU GIVE ME EXCUSES?
"WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?
*XYZ EXCUSE NOT TO EVEN LISTEN...*

SO WHY BOTHER?
WHY KEEP TRYING 
TO TALK ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING?

But... I gotta listen when THEY have something to say, 
though, right?

HOW FRUSTRATING WOULD THAT BE?
VERY?

TO THE POINT YOU STOP TRYING?
OR CARING ANYMORE?

WHAT WOULD THE POINT BE?
TO TRY JUST TO TRY?

AND IF YOU DON'T GET ANYWHERE...
DO YOU KEEP TRYING
HOPING THAT YOU EVENTUALLY WILL?
OR DO YOU FINALLY SAY FK THIS?

HOPING TO EVENTUALLY BE APPRECIATED?
HOPING TO EVENTUALLY BE UNDERSTOOD?
HEARD?

That's why, with some people...
WHO NEVER REALIZED CERTAIN THINGS...
I HAD TO FKN STOP.

WHERE WAS I GETTING? ANYWHERE?
With them?
Despite them?

And it got to the point where I was like:
If they haven't realized A, by now...

HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO REALIZE B?

AND YOU REALLY WANT THEM TO REALIZE Z,
BUT THEY HAVEN'T REALIZE A, YET.

AND NOT YOUR JOB TO FORCE THEM TO, 
OR TRY TO...

AND OF COURSE THEY'LL RESIST.

BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T REALIZED...
WHY SH*T'S HARDER
THAN IT SHOULD BE...

IF THEY REALIZED A, A LONG TIME AGO...

I COULD WORK WITH THEM, 
FROM THAT POINT, 

BUT HADN'T GOTTEN TO THAT POINT...
IN YEARS OF REFUSING TO.

Okay, then, refuse to.
Make your life harder than it has to be, 
because of THAT.
Not because of me.

BUT WHEN YOU REALIZE
THAT YOU WERE REFUSING TO
AND GIVING EXCUSES TO REFUSE TO...

YOU REALIZE WHY YOU REFUSED TO...

AND YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

OR... WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU WASTE YOUR TIME.

SHOULD I CARE THAT YOU WANT TO WASTE YOUR TIME?
OR SHOULD I CARE THAT YOU WANT TO WASTE MINE?

AND IF YOU WANT TO WASTE MINE, 
FK OFF.

SIMPLY PUT.

GO WASTE YOURS, NOT MINE.

I've wasted my own time allowing people to waste mine.

Which I never had to do...

Which I could stop doing, right?
So why get mad when I stop?

SHOULD YOU WANT ME TO WASTE YOURS?
THEN WHY WOULD I WANT YOU
TO WASTE MINE?

Shouldn't be hard to understand that.
So why act like it is?

Anyway, it's been frustrating and disappointing
at the very base of it...

What to do with those feelings?

All I've been doing, repressing stuff.
Not healthy to do that...

Because when you "save stuff for later"
to process later...

THE ONLY TIME YOU GET AROUND TO IT
IS WHEN YOU WANT TO MAKE THE TIME
TO GET AROUND TO IT.

TO DOING IT.

AND IT CAN BE FREAKING HARD!!!

EVEN TO ACKNOWLEDGE.

BUT UNLESS YOU DO, YOU DON'T.
RIGHT?

AND THAT CAN AFFECT US...
NOT PROCESSING STUFF...

BECAUSE NOT DEALING WITH IT, 
DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT THERE
OR GOES AWAY...

IT DOESN'T.
YOU END UP CARRYING IT WITH YOU.

THE REALLY FKN HEAVY SH*T.

WHY CARRY SH*T WITH YOU
THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO?

Like... I'll give an example...

My father... A pretty big thing I carried, for years...
His death...

The weight of it, of the relationship
WE DIDN'T GET TO HAVE...

HIM CHECKING OUT, LIKE THAT.

AND I COULD HAVE, TOO.
I'VE WANTED TO SO MANY FKN TIMES!!!!

HAD I DONE IT
BEFORE REALIZING SOME THINGS?

WASTED OPPORTUNITIES.
WASTED POTENTIAL.
WASTED TIME.

It's not like I never wasted my time...

Or anyone else's...

I can understand why Iron Heart
thought I wasted his time...

WHY HE'D BE DISAPPOINTED IN ME.

I DON'T REALLY GET WHY
HIS APPROVAL MATTERED, TO ME.

LIKE HIS... VALIDATION, MATTERED.

A LOT TO ME, AT THE TIME.

THAT'S WHY WHEN HE GHOSTED ME, 
IT STUNG.

THE FIRST TIME, YEAH, 
BUT THE SECOND TIME?

But, there were times it felt nice.
Maybe that's why it mattered?

BUT IT WASN'T HIS JOB
FOR ME TO FEEL "NICE."

THAT'S MY JOB.

Just been hard to feel "nice"
WHEN THE LITTLE BIT
OF APPRECIATION...
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT...
RESPECT...

WOULD HAVE GONE A LONG WAY...

BUT HAVING MADE IT THIS FAR,
WITHOUT IT....

HOW IMPORTANT WAS IT, REALLY?
WOULD HAVE BEEN "NICE"
THOUGH.

EASIER, BETTER.

MAYBE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN
SOMEWHERE?

WOULD HAVE MAXIMIZED MY TIME?
WOULD HAVE HAD RESULTS?

WHICH SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO HARD
TO GET?

HAD PEOPLE REALIZED SOME STUFF?