Exhausted

Can't sleep...

It's been freaking hot, here.
Heat wave...

The other day I saw a squirrel panting...
I went and got it some water and fruit, 
and told the squirrel it was for "them."

But when I set it out for "them,"
"they" went up the tree and stayed there, 
until I went across the street.

I didn't see "them" eat or drink...

But "they" left the tree.

Maybe went to find other squirrels to share with...

Then I saw some pigeons to feed, 
they were already there.

The guy was acting like they were there
because I was feeding them, 
but they were already there
probably because someone else was feeding them...

There are people who get on my case about me 
feeding them, here, 

but I tell them that I feed them by the trees...
So they can be over there, away from us...

But when they run out of food, they come looking for me lol.

They aren't as shy as they were... When they see me, 
they know I likely have food.

C**** feeds them, too.

She invited me to go to the Karaoke thing with her.
She's going with a guy and invited me to come, too.

She says he's going to look for a hook up lol. 
She's grossed out by it, so she asked me to come lol. 

She says her feet are broken... 
Or were broken, and didn't heal right...

Also, she's a heavier body type, weight on her fked up feet...

So the place is close by... She doesn't go far...

She mostly hangs out, outside, 
with the neighbors...

Who drink and smoke in the front of the building... 

I do, too, but not all day, every day.

She was saying that her place isn't "accessible."
She can't get into the washroom with her walker.

Anyway, just saying that the place is close by...
On Friday...

Haven't been there, yet.

I'm about to find out all about it, lol. 

The other day, I went to the library...

Was too high on caffeine. 
"Free place to pee."
And "Let's see what they've got..."

I ended up picking up a couple of knitting books...
A book about media design, 
a book about business...

Also, I saw a book... About PMC...

Lemme tell you about PMC...

It's silver particles mixed with organic fillers
that turns it into "clay."

And once it is "fired" the clay...

What you're left with is the silver...
Cool, eh?

Hadn't heard of that before...

The library... They are building a new one...
A bigger one. 

With an auditorium... 

But... There are so many books 
on so many subjects... 

I needed to get out of the heat...
And being too buzzed was...
Getting to me.

Also, I stopped to get something to eat.
Hummus, pita, sushi...
A n/a beer...

The Farmboy has tables outside...

I checked out my library books...
While waiting for the fluffhead
to come down from the tree...

Then, ate, there, too.

Then, fed the ones, here...

And hung out, for a bit.

Also, yesterday, I wanted to know
if nail polish remover...

Would work to remove the "name"
someone "painted" on the bench
that got installed, recently...

And some tags... 
By the front door...

It did, not so great on the "name"
but, it did come off...

I got the strongest stuff they had...
Regular stuff might not have worked...

But that sh*t removes nail polish...
So I thought it'd probably remove that.

I think she used "white out."

Someone said the one who did it...
Went on her phone to tell someone
that I removed it...

She had no right to do it in the first place.

People have been mad about it...
We just got the bench not even a month ago...

And she wanted to write her name on it?!

At least she used something that could be removed... 

She did it for attention because she told everyone she did it.

If I wanted attention, I'd tell everyone, too, I guess.
I don't. So I don't. 

Sometimes you get attention, you don't want.

Like the guy I wrote the poem for...
I could have told him it was from me, 
and maybe he would have kept it to himself...

But maybe he didn't...

And maybe people are talking about it, 
already, and hasn't gotten back to me, yet...

But how would he know it was me?
Or anyone else?

Shouldn't matter, just a poem, right?
BUT PEOPLE MAKE ALL KINDS OF SH*T
OUT OF FKING NOTHING.
ALL THE TIME.

SO I'D RATHER JUST KEEP MYSELF A SECRET.

BE A SECRET "BOOST GIVER."

It started because he had brought up
that he was separated from his ex
and she had started dating again...

And how he looked when he was saying it...

I get how it kinda looks, but it's not that way, at all.

Even if he wanted to date...
WOULD I EVEN WANT TO?
WILL I EVER WANT TO?
PROBABLY NOT!!!

WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM...

But... IF he and I did start dating...
Which is highly unlikely...
HE HAS STARTED TALKING AGAIN, WITH HER.

IF THEY GOT BACK TOGETHER, 
IT'D BE AWKWEIRD, 
BECAUSE WE'RE NEIGHBORS...

AND JUST... NOPE.

It's probably already awkweird and if he knew it was me, 
it'd be even more awkweird...

So why "complicate" anything by anything
that would complicate things?

Stupid poems are just stupid poems...
But stupid choices are stupid choices...

And any guy I'd be dating...
Hopefully has stuff they want to do, too.

They might not be "happy" feeling like
they "have to" "compete"
with what I want to do.

I'd rather have a "partner" in these aspects, too, 
but it's not like these are things that I can even
really talk about...

Even writing about it, on here, 
WHO WOULD UNDERSTAND?

And frankly, I don't foresee anyone

ACTUALLY GIVING A FK ABOUT ME.

AFTER BEING TREATED LIKE
NOBODY EVER REALLY DID.

I'd say that's pretty painful, 

BUT I DGAF LIKE I USED TO.
ABOUT THAT, 
OR WHAT PEOPLE THINK ANYMORE.

ESPECIALLY PEOPLE
WHO DON'T KNOW
AND NEVER KNEW
ME, PERIOD.

SHOULD IT MATTER TO ME?
WHAT THEY THINK?

MAYBE TO A DEGREE?
BUT SHOULD IT, REALLY?

TO THE POINT I'M GOING TO
HOLD MYSELF BACK?

NOPE.

Not anymore. 

I'm not just physically tired. I am, but...
Emotionally, mentally...

JUST FKN TIRED
OF SO MUCH BS...

SO WHY LET ANYONE IN
FOR MORE BS, OR ANY NEW BS?

I ALREADY GAVE WHAT I HAD.
FOR WHAT?

FOR THEM TO DRAIN TF OUT OF ME?
TO TAKE ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING?
TO LEAVE ME PULLING MYSELF OUT
OF THEIR SH*T?

THEIR SH*TINESS...

But if he wanted to choose someone
WHO CHEATS ON HIM, 
LIES TO HIM, 
STEALS FROM HIM, 
GOES BEHIND HIS BACK
TO TRY TO GET HIM LOCKED UP
WHILE HE WAS STAYING WITH ME...
OUT OF JEALOUSY,
THREATENING ME ETC...

IF HE WANTED THAT... SO BAD...
THAT HE'D RUIN EVERYTHING...

HE CAN BE MY GUEST!!!
TO MORE OF THAT BS!!!
THAT HE CRIED TO ME ABOUT!!!

AND CHOSE IT ANYWAY!!!

So ask me why I would want to date????

I want to sleep.... SLEEP... SOLIDLY...

WAKE ME UP...
WHEN THIS YEAR ENDS...

Really, I'm freaking exhausted and have been
for a really long time.

TIRED OF ALL KINDS OF BS...

I CAN NAME AT LEAST A FEW PEOPLE
WHOSE SH*T I'M TIRED OF.

EVEN MY OWN SH*T...

Just tired!!!! But on such a deep inner level
of really freaking tired...

I guess I'd better rest up before going out, Friday night...

If I get enough sleep...
I might go to one of my chill spots...

Once a week, for me... A night out, alone...
Been saving a spliff to take to smoke at the lake...

Just a night to have something to look forward to...

My neighbor hadn't been up here for a week or so...

He'd brought up a movie to watch with me, 
but we ended up talking on the balcony.

We were smoking and talking about PMC...

He had just brought it up, with him, 
didn't ask me if I wanted to watch it.

As he was leaving:

"I guess we can watch a movie another time."

I just kinda don't want to sit on the couch with him. 

He already asked about bunking with me, one night...
Made comments about "wearing me down."

Just... I already told him that I don't want anything like that, 
with him. 

I don't, in general, but he's not the one for me.

AND HE HASN'T TAKEN NO FOR AN ANSWER
ABOUT THAT.

OR HE'D BACK OFF.
ABOUT THAT.

If I had a boyfriend, he wouldn't hang out with me.
HE'S ALREADY TOLD ME THAT.

HE'S BASICALLY SAID
HE'S ONLY HANGING OUT WITH ME
BECAUSE I'M SINGLE...

I should be flattered. 
I just really...

AM NOT INTERESTED. AT ALL.
I CAN'T HELP THAT.

THAT'S WHY WEARING ME DOWN
WON'T WORK.

JUST WON'T.

ALL THIS INTENSE INTEREST, FROM HIM
IS JUST DOING THE OPPOSITE
OF WHAT HE WANTS IT TO.

Anyway, I'm going to try to sleep, again.