Missed Opportunities

I think I got a lot of my frustration out
in the last post...

About how frustrating it's been
just freaking TRYING.

So what is the sense of trying
to get my point across to some people?

"Why should I listen to you?
Where's your success story?"

1) I quit smoking
2) I quit drinking
3) I'm not a junk13

I've pulled myself out of
deep despair more than once...

Maybe I'm stronger than anyone
ever gave me any credit for...

Including myself...

But it has to take realizing that
to acknowledge it.

But also, I'm not looking for "praise"
or "sympathy" or "pity."

I stopped looking for understanding....
From people who wouldn't and can't understand...

Because if they understood, they'd have acted
as though they understood.

IS IT MY FAULT THAT THEY DON'T?
OR WON'T?

But treat me as though it is MY fault
For YOU not understanding something.

That I would have explained to you
HAD YOU NOT DISMISSED ME, 
DISRESPECTED ME, 
EVEN DISRESPECTED WHAT I WAS TRYING TO DO
FOR YOU!!!!

HAD YOU JUST LISTENED
LIKE YOU CARED ABOUT
WHAT I HAD TO SAY

AND WHY I WAS SAYING IT!!!

But let's forget about that, for a moment...

How many times have I dismissed myself?
My own feelings?
My potential to help MYSELF?

How many times have I disrespected myself?
Doing what everyone wanted me to do
WHEN THEY COULDN'T EVEN LISTEN TO ME?
ABOUT THE VERY LITTLE
THAT I WANTED?

How many times have I disrespected 
what I could have been doing for myself?

What about what my heart has to say?
About pouring into myself

WHAT I WASN'T EVER GOING TO GET
FROM ANYONE ELSE
NO MATTER HOW HARD I "TRIED."

TO EVEN GET THEM TO LISTEN?

And let's forget that I ever wanted them
to just listen...

WAS I LISTENING?
Was I paying attention?

OR ONLY FOCUSING ON WHAT
WAS P*SSING ME OFF?

AND WHY IT WAS P*SSING ME OFF?

Because I'm pretty sure I did a lot of venting, here
about that stuff.

About WHY it would p*ss people off.

And if it made sense...
What I was saying... 
You'd see why it'd p*ss me off.

And it'd probably p*ss you off, too.

But life's not all about being p*ssed off
or why you'd be p*ssed off...

OR EXPLAINING IT
WHILE NOT WANTING TO HAVE TO...

Someone said to me...
"You're p*ssed off because you didn't get what you wanted."

Actually, it was that what I wanted was so very little.
THAT IT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A HUGE DEAL
TO WANT JUST THAT.

NOTHING MORE!

The real reason I've wanted so very little
is because it's pointless to want too much.

Why want too much?
AND TO EXPECT EVERYTHING
FROM EVERYONE?
ALL THE TIME?

EVEN IF THEY WANTED TO...
DO THEY HAVE EVERYTHING TO GIVE YOU?

I probably shouldn't use this as an example...
But I'm not going to say who it was...

I knew someone... Who told me about
how brutal it was for his mother...

His mother was adopted...
By an abusive family.

Their daughter died.
So they adopted his mom to replace her.

And they abused her
because she wasn't their daughter.

THEY EVEN GAVE HER
THEIR DEAD DAUGHTER'S NAME.

The question that goes with this...
And the whole point in using that as an example...

IS: HOW WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO HAVE HAD
"THE TOOLS" TO BE "BETTER THAN THAT"
IF THAT'S ALL SHE KNEW?

AND HER NOT HAVING "THE TOOLS"
HOW WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO GIVE
HIM THE LOVE SHE NEVER GOT?

And I've been abused... Not as badly, but still.
I didn't get the love I "needed" to "grow"
from where I could have... 

BUT AT THE SAME TIME...
I WAS HOLDING MYSELF BACK....

BY NOT GIVING MYSELF THE LOVE I "NEEDED."

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?

AND MY SON? DID HE GET WHAT HE "NEEDED"
EMOTIONALLY?

He suffered from my lack.

My lack of awareness.
Not just lack of "love I never got."

My poor choices.

But not just mine.
And not saying it to try to "justify" anything
that was ever on me and still is...

HIS FATHER'S CHOICES.

Anyone who could have and should have helped him
or at least should have listened...

AND TREATED HIM WITH RESPECT.

ENOUGH RESPECT NOT TO HAVE DONE
WHAT THEY DID, TO HIM...

AND TO DO
WHAT THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE
FOR HIM.

THE VERY LEAST THEY COULD HAVE
AND SHOULD HAVE.

I've had to "pay" for what people chose to do, too.
And what they didn't choose to do.
In my life.

Not an easy conversation to have...

Easy to blame our parents.
BUT BLAME THEM FOR WHAT IS THEIR FAULT
NOT FOR WHAT ISN'T.

NOT FOR WHAT WAS PUT ON THEM
THAT WASN'T ACTUALLY THEIR FAULT.

But... Here's the thing. Very important...

IT IS ON US ALL TO DO SOMETHING
WITH ANYTHING THAT WAS PUT ON US.

EVEN THINGS THAT WEREN'T OUR FAULT.

AND BY DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT...
WE LESSEN THE IMPACT OF IT.

Because not only does it impact us, 
IT IMPACTS EVERYONE IN OUR LIVES.

EVEN THE ONES
WHO WERE ONCE IN OUR CORNER.

WHO NEVER HAD TO BE 
IN OUR CORNER, 
BUT WERE BECAUSE
THEY WANTED TO BE.

BECAUSE THEY SAW SOMETHING IN US
THAT WAS RAW AND TENDER
AND NEEDED TO BE TENDED TO...

But if you push them away...
Stonewall them, gaslight them, 
SLAM THE DOOR IN YOUR OWN FACE....

WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THEM WALKING AWAY?

IS IT THEM? THEY TRIED BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO
AND NEVER HAD TO....

SO HOW COULD IT BE THEM
FOR THE CHOICES YOU MADE
AND THE CHOICES YOU COULD HAVE MADE?

The choice not to push them away?
Not to stonewall them or gaslight them?

NOT TO SLAM THE DOOR IN YOUR OWN FACE?

Could have just chosen not to...
BUT DIDN'T CHOOSE THAT...

AND WERE ACTING LIKE YOU NEVER WOULD
JUST CHOOSE NOT TO...

WHAT CHOICE DID THEY HAVE?
WALK AWAY?
OR "PUT UP WITH" SH*T
THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE "HAD TO."
BECAUSE OF YOU?

Because of what you didn't choose not to do.

EVEN AFTER THEY PROBABLY TOLD YOU
MANY FKN TIMES
TO FK OFF WITH THAT SH*T.

BEFORE THEY WALKED AWAY.
RIGHT?

But if you're the one...
Who didn't choose NOT TO...

WHO IS TO BLAME FOR IT?
YOU ARE.
NOT ME.

Just as I am to blame
FOR THE THINGS I DIDN'T CHOOSE
NOT TO DO.

In the same vein, would't you be sick of...
BEING BLAMED FOR SOMETHING
SOMEONE ELSE DIDN'T CHOOSE
NOT TO DO?

I'm asking you this...
Because I've been sick of that sh*t.
Because it's BS.

Wouldn't you be tired of BS?

Well, writing's my "escape" from the BS.
Even when I'm writing about it.

Moreso, I'm writing about how I feel ABOUT IT.
About all of it.

Maybe because I've been so tired of it....

That maybe, somewhere in my mind, 
I have some "hopes" of people finally
GETTING THE MESSAGE
LOUD AND CLEAR
AND FINALLY REALIZE THAT.
JUST THAT.
AND WHY I WOULD BE
TIRED OF IT.

FED UP WITH IT.

WHY IT'S NOT "ATTRACTIVE"
OR "SMART"

TO BE "TOO OLD" FOR THAT SH*T...
YET HERE WE ARE...

HAVING TO BRING IT UP...
Go to some "lengths" to "explain" it
WHEN IT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE
BROUGHT UP
OR EXPLAINED...

BECAUSE THERE SHOULDN'T BE
ANYTHING TO BRING UP
OR EXPLAIN

TO PEOPLE...

BUT HERE'S THE THING...
THE PEOPLE WHO NEED IT, THE MOST.
TO BE TOLD HOW TF IT IS...
DON'T LISTEN.

THEY REFUSE TO.
EVEN IF IT MEANS
PEOPLE WALKING OUT
OF THEIR LIVES...

AND HAS THEM WONDERING... WHY?

It's not just what you DID.
IT'S ALSO ABOUT 
WHAT YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE
NOT TO DO.

Here's a lighter example... Of me...
I DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO DRINK.

I AM NOW... CHOOSING NOT TO...
BUT I DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO...
WHEN I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN DOING IT.

I WASN'T CHOOSING NOT TO...

1) Drink
2) Try to get affection, approval, appreciation, respect, xyz
from people who refused to give me any...
3) Let that sh*t be more important to me than other things.
(Including what I wanted to do with my time, my life).
4) Let sh*t consume me
5) Be selfish, immature xyz

The list could go on and on.
Of the things I wasn't choosing not to do...

BUT THE TRUTH REMAINS:

I AM THE ONE
WHO WASN'T CHOOSING NOT TO!

So how can I blame others
FOR CHOICES I WASN'T MAKING?

TO SUPPORT MYSELF, 
NOT SABOTAGE MYSELF...

The opposite of support IS sabotage...

Back when I was on my kick of self-improvement...

I was thinking in terms of:
"I've been sabotaging myself with xyz... By doing
AND NOT DOING XYZ."

So then what was the opposite of doing what I was doing?

IT WAS CHOOSING TO DO
THE THINGS I WASN'T DOING...

AND THE THINGS I WASN'T CHOOSING
NOT TO DO...

SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN DOING THAT.

But admitting I shouldn't have been... 
NOT CHOOSING NOT TO DO THOSE THINGS...

ISN'T ENOUGH.

IT'S THE START, BUT NOT THE END.

IT ENDS WITH CHOOSING NOT TO
DO THE THINGS
YOU WEREN'T CHOOSING NOT TO DO.

Here's another example...

Hoarders...

THEY WEREN'T CHOOSING NOT TO HOARD.
THEIR HOARDS... 
WEREN'T THE THING TO BLAME...

THEY WEREN'T CHOOSING NOT TO DO IT.

And I get that some people say it's a mental illness etc...

BUT COULD THEY HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO?

MAYBE NOT WITH NO WILLPOWER...
OR "AWARENESS"
OF WHAT THEIR ISSUE ACTUALLY IS.

NOT CHOOSING NOT TO.


Same goes for drugs...
Not choosing not to.

Not choosing not to start doing it.

Maybe mental illness deminishes some mental capacity
TO BE AWARE OF:
NOT CHOOSING NOT TO.

Should I blame the fact I have BPD
ON THE FACT I WAS AN ALCOHOLIC?

SHOULD WE BLAME FACTS ON FACTS?
OR AT ALL?

Does having BPD mean I get to "cop out"
OF TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
FOR NOT CHOOSING NOT TO?

I didn't choose not to drink!!!

Could I have chosen not to? Yeah. I could have...

I was going to say...
Had I thought about it... Really thought about it...

About WHAT IT MEANS TO NOT CHOOSE NOT TO.
AND TO CHOOSE NOT TO.

Like the guy I wrote about recently...
The guy who b3@t his daughter to d3@th...

HE COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO.
HE DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO.
CORRECT?

COULD HE HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO BE
BLIND TO THAT FACT?

My ex punching me in the head...
HE DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO.

MY SON'S SCHOOL BLAMING ME
FOR NOT LISTENING
WHEN I TOLD THEM WHAT MY SON TOLD ME
AND IF I KNEW HOW BAD IT REALLY WAS...
WHAT HE WASN'T TELLING ME...
MAYBE TOO SCARED TO TELL ME...

THEY DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN TO ME!!!

BECAUSE THAT'S ALL IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN!!!

AND FOR THEM TO DO THEIR JOBS!!!!

But I couldn't just be left alone to do MINE???
I DIDN'T GET TO DO MINE!!!

A LOT OF PEOPLE WANTED TO MAKE IT HARDER
FOR ME!!!
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO MAKE IT HARDER
FOR ME!!!
(INCLUDING MYSELF).

Because why?
I made some things harder for myself. 

BUT THE PEOPLE WHO MADE IT HARDER FOR ME
THAN THEY EVER HAD TO...

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO....

WANTED TO
AND/OR DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO.

Not only was I not choosing not to, 
they weren't, either.

BUT BLAMING ME
FOR NOT CHOOSING NOT TO?

NOT GIVING ME A BREAK
FROM THEIR BS?

UNTIL I GAVE MYSELF A BREAK
FROM THEIR BS...

BECAUSE WHY "DEAL" WITH THAT SH*T?
FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH?
FOR THE SAKE OF DOING IT?
WHY? FOR WHAT?

People don't like being left in their own BS.
They don't.

"Misery loves company."

Can I name a some "reasons" I was miserable?

1) I was seeking "satisfaction" from things that wouldn't give me any.
2) I was looking "outside" for something I "lost" "inside." How would I have "found" it?
3) I seriously lacked awareness...
4) I wasn't choosing not to do things I shouldn't have done.

BUT NONE OF THESE "REASONS" ARE REAL REASONS
IF I WAS USING THEM AS "EXCUSES"
FOR WHY I WASN'T CHOOSING NOT TO DO XYZ.

I was keeping myself where I was... In all aspects of my life.
Holding myself back, wasting my time... Instead of USING it.

I still am, in a lot of ways.

And what was I using as an excuse the other night
for not processing stuff?

"I'M ALMOST READY."

NOT QUITE, BUT ALMOST...

AND HOW LONG AM I GOING TO STAY
"ALMOST READY."

ANOTHER 10 YEARS?

EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO... WAITING....
I'VE NOT BEEN CHOOSING NOT TO WAIT!!!!
WAIT FOR WHAT?

UNTIL IT'S ALMOST TOO LATE?
OR UNTIL IT IS?

WHAT'S AFTER THAT?
ANYTHING?

Do you see what I mean, though?
Are my examples making sense?

Can you see why I'd be writing about this?
Why I've not chosen not to?

It goes both ways, though.
Like I could have chosen not to write about it.

But not writing about it...
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT...

WOULD ANYONE THINK ABOUT THE FACT?

THE FACTS THAT IMPACT?

What is the word hidden in there? Acts.

We could have chosen not to act in certain ways, right?
If we actually CHOSE not to...

LIKE SLAMMING THE DOOR IN OUR OWN FACE.

COULD HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO DO THAT...

BUT DID WE WHEN WE COULD HAVE?

GET MY POINT?

Here's another example...

Iron Heart chose to ghost me
for deleting a message.

HE DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO.

It would have taken me so much MORE, than THAT...

TO HAVE "MADE" ME WALK AWAY FROM HIM.

BECAUSE HE MEANT MORE TO ME
THAN A DELETED MESSAGE.

WAS HOPING HE FELT THE SAME WAY,
BUT HOW HE FEELS IS HOW HE FEELS.

WHO AM I TO WANT TO CHANGE THAT?

EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO HOW HE FEELS
ABOUT ME?

THAT WAS NEVER UP TO ME.
IT WAS UP TO HOW HE SAW ME.
HOW HE LOOKED AT ME.

IF HE LOOKED AT ME
AS THOUGH I WAS JUST WASTING HIS TIME...

THAT'S HOW HE SAW ME.

WITHOUT A CONVERSATION ABOUT IT...
HIS CHOICE.

Just pointing out that he didn't choose not to.
To ghost me, twice.

I'VE HAD TO ACCEPT IT.
WHEN HE WAS THE FIRST PERSON
I WANTED TO TALK TO...

ONLY ONE I THOUGHT UNDERSTOOD ME...

But, whatever. I've had to accept that. TWICE.

OVER A DELETED MESSAGE.
THAT MEANT MORE TO HIM THAN I DID.

BUT I DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO DELETE IT.

SEE MY POINT, THOUGH?

I DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO FOCUS ON THE BS...
I COULD HAVE BEEN FOCUSED ON...
MANY OTHER THINGS.

ON WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN...

HAD I MADE BETTER CHOICES.
NOT MADE STUPID ONES...

NOT WASTED MY OWN TIME.
USED IT.

WITH INTENTION... 

I COULD HAVE FOCUSED ON THAT.
BUT I DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO... XYZ.

MAKING SENSE?

IN NOT CHOOSING NOT TO XYZ...
I WAS NOT CHOOSING TO DO ABC...

Because it's either do this, or do that...
Or do that, not this...
Right?

YOUR CHOICE, THOUGH.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR CHOICE.

And when you're not thinking...
"I have a choice..."

YOU WASTE THAT CHOICE
AND CHANCE TO CHOOSE.

HOW MANY CHANCES DID I WASTE
JUST TO CHOOSE?

JUST TO MAKE THE BETTER CHOICE?

I COULDN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY?
YOU COULDN'T TELL ME.

PROBABLY COULDN'T TELL YOURSELF
HOW MANY CHANCES YOU HAD TO CHOOSE
THAT YOU WASTED...

OPPORTUNITIES ARE WHAT THEY WERE.
CHANCES TO CHOOSE WERE OPPORTUNITIES.

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
GOLDEN OPPORTUNITIES.

And some people might say:
"A***, you're 40+ years old...
You've had the time to think about this."

YES, I HAVE.

BUT WAS I THINKING ABOUT IT?
OR WAS I CHOOSING NOT TO?

IF I WAS CHOOSING NOT TO, 
I DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO... NOT TO.
NOT TO NOT THINK.

WAS A CHOICE, RIGHT?
THAT HAS CONSEQUENCES, RIGHT?