Processing... How to do that?
Accepting it as a fact, is a start.
Accepting it as a fact is just that.
It doesn't mean you accept it as
something that was "acceptable."
The thing with one of the most traumatic things
that happened to me, at a young age...
My father's s**c*d*...
I was 12...
Regardless of your age,
you likely have decades of trauma...
I don't really look at myself as traumatized,
but it did "impact" me.
I meant traumatized, in general.
Just saying, 4 decades.
4 decades of "trauma."
STUFF I REPRESSED.
For 4 decades.
Of stuff I hadn't and have yet to fully process.
Let's just say that stuff from th first decade
is so heavily repressed that I can't "access"
what needs to be processed.
In my 20s, that's...
THAT WAS MOSTLY MY UNAWARENESS.
Not saying nothing fkd up happened...
It probably did...
And in my 30s...
I've written about that stuff...
40s just started... So far so good... I guess...
Semi-isolating myself...
For a reason....
Maybe given up on what could have been...
On what I wanted...
BECAUSE I WAS THE ONLY ONE
WHO CARED ABOUT THAT.
BECAUSE WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN,
COULD HAVE BEEN.
HAD THEY CARED, TOO.
DIDN'T.
I don't care about going it alone, now.
In my 20s, what could have been
mattered way too much.
I used it for a reason to drink...
I used my emotional "issues" to drink.
Whether it was sadness, anger... Stress...
That class I had... Forensics...
We saw pictures of actual dead bodies.
It's something a lot of people wouldn't forget
or wouldn't be able to get out of their head.
I repressed it so much...
That I remember what the pictures were of...
No mistaking that...
But... The images themselves, those are "blocked"
from my memory...
People who'd 0verd0sed... Even mumified...
One woman, who'd mumified.
I remember asking the prof how she died...
She'd starved herself to death and had mumified.
Something to do with where she'd died...
Condition of her apartment...
She'd gotten paranoid about food and stopped eating.
Images of her... Her body... I went to the bar.
But, I didn't choose not to go to the bar...
One picture of an 0verd0se...
The body of a famous person who'd overdosed.
And you can't unsee that...
It looked like his tongue swelled and blocked his airway...
A famous person I won't name.
Who people would know if I said his name.
It's not really about how he died, either.
I was moreso explaining that I "block" details from my mind.
I think I was trying to use alcohol to do it...
Could be that I learned to do that before I ever started drinking.
"Don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about!"
So anything I would have cried about,
I wasn't "allowed" to cry about it...
OR I WOULD BE GIVEN MORE TO CRY ABOUT.
Was kinda "lonely" living like that.
But as far as I knew, that was "normal"
IT WASN'T, BUT AS FAR AS I KNEW, IT WAS.
I had to be "taught" by someone who knew it wasn't
that it wasn't.
I know that some people can have slow developments.
In some ways too much was expected of me...
In other ways, not enough was expected of me.
And doubting myself so much that... What could I expect of myself?
Maybe doubting myself so much
because I've been doubted all my life.
Why would anyone have any faith in me?
Did I have any faith in myself?
Can people who have very little faith, or no faith
in themselves have faith in others?
AND MAYBE I HAD TOO MUCH FAITH
IN CERTAIN PEOPLE.
FAITH IN THEM TO DO RIGHT.
TRUST IN THEM TO DO RIGHT.
DOESN'T MEAN THEY'LL DO RIGHT.
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO FK UP.
THEY HAVE THAT CHOICE
THAT YOU CAN'T MAKE FOR THEM.
Anyway, I just got a knock at my door.
I thought it was my neighbor
he's the only one who comes over...
Would be weird of it to be him, at this hour.
He's usually asleep by now...
It was a female I don't know.
I didn't answer the door.
After she knocked on my door,
she listened at the door across the hall...
It was so sketchy...
She went to knock on someone else's door.
I heard her saying: "It's M******, just trying to get a glass of water."
At this hour?
No, she looked like she was after something else.
Looked like she was tweaking.
I don't know her.
Looked sketchy af.
And listening at the door across the hall?
She knocked at my door because she listened to it, first?
It just... Didn't answer the door.
My neighbor warned me about that...
About the couple down the hall.
Don't get involved, she'll turn on you.
And if I had answered the door,
and had she asked to come in?
When she was knocking at my door,
she was looking at the other end of the hallway...
Kind of like... Scared...
And when I heard her "glass of water."
After she knocked at my door, the second time,
she went to the elevator and left in it.
My neighbor told me that there've been home invasions...
It just takes letting in the wrong person.
And wouldn't they use a female?
So someone might let their guard down?
At 10:30pm?
Someone who doesn't know me knocking at my door...
Who threatened to send females to my door?
Mirror smasher did.
Maybe the reason she was here has nothing to do with him,
but he did threaten to send females to my door to harm me.
Nice, eh?
Twice, before I moved.
One threatened to come at me himself.
Whether it was him playing victim
like I was the one who betrayed him...
Or she wanted to the whole time...
But you want someone to trust and respect you?
AFTER THREATENING TO SEND FEMALES
TO PHYSICALLY ASSAULT THEM?
DID I ONCE THREATEN TO HARM EITHER ONE OF THEM?
All I did was tell them not to play with me.
I'm not about this BS.
If I was about it, I wouldn't threaten them,
I'd just do it.
But I don't have to.
So I chose not to.
THEY DIDN'T CHOOSE NOT TO THREATEN ME, THOUGH.
WITH PHYSICAL "V10L3NC3."
It's been a while since I fought.
Mostly been keeping myself out of situations
where I've had to.
Or I'd have to...
BUT NO. I FORGAVE HIM FOR THE FIRST ONE.
HE APOLOGIZED.
BUT THE SECOND ONE?
HE DIDN'T SEND ANY.
UNLESS HE SENT THIS ONE...
But nope. Why knock at a stranger's door at night?
Looking for a "glass of water"?
Something was up and I knew when I saw her.
The way she was looking down the hall...
--------
I'm writing this the next day...
Nothing's been going on today.
Just sat in the front of the building,
with some of the neighbors...
Listening to music.
The neighbor I hang out with and smoke with...
He has a speaker that hooks up to his phone.
A lot of them talk so much...
Just chill and listen to the music!
And listening to people who talk so much...
Takes a lot of brain activity...
Just processing it, thinking about
everything said...
And if they keep going and going and going...
One neighbor was saying he was on the bus and
an older guy punched a woman twice.
Cops were called.
Bad enough you have to pay over $4 to take the bus...
And you have to deal with potentially getting assaulted?
Like that female... Who had her skirt lifted by that guy...
Wtf is that sh*t?
I found a cool site that builds apps...
The only thing is that you can generate the code for free
but if you want access to the code you generated,
you have to upgrade to a paid account...
And you're limited to how many credits you get per day.
So I can build the thing, but can't get the code for it
unless I pay for it...
It seems pretty fast, though...
Seems to be able to build the interface at least
as to the databases that would have to be made
to store and get the data for the dashboard...
Which looks pretty good...
It build the things I asked it to. It's AI based...
If anything, if I paid for it and got the code,
I could try selling the code from my site
and from other sites that are specifically for selling code...
But, yeah... I have my goals for my sites....
Some stuff I can't really get into, on here
because my ideas as my ideas...
But... If I end up building out something that I can use
and maybe even make some money from, that'd be cool.
But yeah... These AI sites are pretty neat.
Wish they were around years and years ago.
Still learning about what these cool AI sites do...
And how I can use some of their capabilities
for the things I want to do with my sites.
The AI site I looked at today, has it's own hosting
so if you build an app, you can host it online...
I'm still using WordPress.
There was a time I really didn't like WordPress.
That was before I learned how to add my own CSS stuff.
A lot of the stuff for my sites are custom.
Some AI sites are really great with coding which is awesome.
I like having the control of CSS so that I can change stuff
to how I'd like it...
CSS animations are pretty cool, too.
With keyframes.
I have to go see if I can find that guy I met... That night.
I have a feeling that if I can point him in a direction
with web stuff, he could make a chunk of change.
A lot of the stuff, the stuff that isn't behind the scenes
is stuff I don't particularly want to do.
I was supposed to go to Karoke today.
She said that if we went with that guy, we'd get kicked out.
If he got too drunk and started singing...
She said we should go next week,
with Mama G.
That's what she was called when she worked at a Church
doing their Karoke night...
So we might go next week.
It kinda bugs me when someone invites me
to do something
and then they call it off
and say "next week"
because I could be doing something by then...
Could have been doing something tonight.
I don't know why I stayed close to home.
I think it was because I got high
and was just vibing to the music
and listening to everyone talk my ears off.
Other than that I gotta start getting my place
"in shape."
I'd like to invite my friend over, but my place...
Let's just say I haven't exactly been organizing of late...
Probably a good idea to just stay in and clean a while.
It's mostly being wiped out...
Ever seen that show called Wipe out?
It's an obstacle course type of thing
with contestants competing against each other
to see who could get through everything
without wiping out...
They have a part that they have to get across
4 or 5? red balls to get to a platform...
Not many get past that first part...
And a wall that have holes boxing gloves come out of...
A thing that spins that they have to jump over.
They have to land on the thing they are standing on
when they jump over the thing that spins around....
Yes, the thing...
How else can I describe it?
It IS a thing...
Anyway, my Grandmother loved that one...
We watched it together...
And she was also a big fan of Man Tracker...
He's a dude on a horse and he has to track you
and catch you before you get to the finish line.
If you can get past him without getting caught,
you win money...
Most of them'd get caught...
The advance Man Tracker has is his horse.
Horses can hear better than us.
And they turn their ears towards the sounds they hear.
It was probably a combo of his tracking skills
and the horse honing in on the person
because the person could be as quiet
as they think they are being,
and a horse can still hear
what a human might not be able to...
Some animals hearing are several times
better than human's hearing.
That's because of how well their ears
are "designed."
Like a cat... A rabbit, a horse...
They all have hearing ranges.
And dogs, too.
Dogs are primarily scent oriented...
But they can hear well, too
when they want to listen lol...
My mother's dog was getting up on the counter
and my mom told the dog to get down,
but she didn't want to listen...
So I used my "gremlin voice"
and asked the dog what it was doing
on the counter.
The dog backed down and went to the couch lol.
My parents are getting a new neighbor.
They were happy they sold their place and were moving.
My mom really didn't like them.
Neither did my step-father...
Well, they were pretty nosey....
When my brother would go visit my mom,
they'd keep looking out their window
to see who was at my mother's door...
None of your business!
That's who!
And their son had a laser and was pointing it
at my folks' place
and got my step-father in the eye with it...
Which p*ssed him off...
Anyway, my mother was so happy
she couldn't stop telling me.
Must have told me like 6 times lol.
So the person who bought the neighbors' trailer
is going to be moving in nearer the end of the month.
She says there's a place at the end of the street
that needs to get torn down and removed
because it has been vacant
and has had animals living in it
and had a squatter in there,
at one point....
My parents have a garden, my mom showed me.
Beans, tomatoes, pot, peppers, some flowers...
My step-father has a couple of rain barrels
and a pump so he can use a hose...
The water gets pumped into the hose I guess...
Whatever works, I guess.
Saves on water...
I don't know how great rain water is
with all the chem trails etc...
My plants seem to be doing okay...
I only have a calendiva right now...
I have the one that I "rescued" from a place I worked at.
Someone was throwing the plant in the garbage.
I took it to be our "office" plant...
But it wasn't doing so great...
They told me to take it home with me...
I did, and around a decade later, it's still alive.
It's even been blooming.
Anyway, one of the stems broke on it,
so I put that part in some water
and it started growing roots...
I guess hydroponically lol....
I got it a small pot and some dirt and it's doing well.
I've got some plans to start a small "garden"
I've got shelving that I'm going to
turn into a kind of a greenhouse...
I can start seeds inside ziplock bags...
And when they are big enough to put into something else
to grow in...
They might be able to do alright.
The way my neighbor faces, he's behind the grocery store.
He says the sound of the fans on the roof
of the grocery store can get kinda loud.
There's a thing at the back of this building
that makes noise...
I wouldn't want an apartment close to it.
I don't like the sound on my A/C lol.
Living next to a fan? A huge one?
Or several small ones?
No thanks.
I'm pretty tired... I'm going to try to sleep.
Good night!
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