Keep Yours

It's been a long day... 
I disappear for a couple of days
and then I socialize...

Still helping my neighbor with his YouTube channel.
He caught a small fish today, but it was something.

First catch of the year.

I took him to the beach and to one of my chill spots.
He said the water was moving too fast to fish, there, 
so we went upstream...

Anyway, we ended up at the beach.
I wanted to get a drink and I offered to buy him a beer
just so we could stop
because he's not a "bar guy..."

Just wanted to rest, a bit. At the beach.

Anyway, recorded a few videos... 
Uploaded a couple of them... 

It's a start, right?

Can only improve, right?

It's something to do...
"Beats sitting around the apartment."
That's what he kept saying...

The thing is, I'm not always...
JUST sitting around, here.

I write, I read, I work on stuff...

That peen guy's been mad that I haven't replied. 

He said he was going to come to my place...

I moved. And purposely never had him at my place.

When he was acting creepy...
I brushed it off....

But SHOWING ME HIS PEEN?!

HE WASN'T WEARING UNDERWEAR!!!

HE JUST LIFTED HIS SHIRT. TO SHOW ME HIS PEEN.

IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM PAYING ME TO DO THE WORK.

IT'S ABOUT THE FACT HE THINKS
HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS TO.

THAT'S NOT COOL WITH ME. AT ALL.
AND HIM GETTING MAD
THAT HE FKN CAN'T...

THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. 

AND IF I'M GOING TO BE AROUND HIM, 
AT ALL, I WOULD RATHER SOMEONE ELSE
BE THERE.

HE'S ALREADY PUSHED MY BOUNDARIES.
MORE THAN ONCE.

AND WANTS ME TO "FORGIVE AND FORGET."

UNTIL NEXT TIME
AND I'LL HAVE TO FORGIVE THAT TOO?

That's why I'd rather go there with someone else.
Let him pay someone else.

"I'll pay you."

THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO GET MONEY.
TRYING TO HOLD ME THERE
BY PAYING ME?

I HAVE PROOF THAT HE DID WHAT HE DID
BECAUSE I WROTE TO HIM ABOUT IT
AND HE DIDN'T DENY IT.
HE APOLOGIZED FOR IT.
IN WRITING.

IF I WAS A HORRIBLE PERSON, 
I COULD BRIBE HIM 
FOR MY SILENCE
THAT HE EVER DID THAT.

WOULD THAT BE WORTH IT TO ME? NO.

WOULD IT ENSURE HE'D NEVER DO THAT SH*T AGAIN?
MAYBE.
MAYBE NOT.

But he was telling me he was going to come to my place lol.
BECAUSE I HADN'T BEEN REPLYING.

BECAUSE WTF DO YOU SAY TO A DUDE
WHO THOUGHT IT WAS FKN OKAY
TO DO THAT SH*T?

AND HIS DAUGHTER JUST DIED
SO HE'S EVEN MORE FKD UP THAN USUAL.

SO I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ALONE WITH HIM.
AND STILL DON'T.

NOT AFTER LAST TIME.

So, that dude I met...
I'd like to sit down with him and ask him
if he could take over from me.

I DON'T OWE PEEN GUY TO STAY.
TO KEEP WORKING ON HIS SITE.
OR ANYTHING.

AND HE'S THE KIND OF GUY
WHO'LL GET MAD THAT HE CAN'T GET WHAT HE WANTS.
WHICH IS WHATEVER IT IS
HE WANTS ME TO BE/DO.

Sure, some attraction is flattering.
BUT SOMETIMES...
WHEN IT'S TOO INTENSE...

AND I'VE ALREADY SAID NO TO S3X....
MORE THAN ONCE.

HE'D BROUGHT UP LIVING TOGETHER.
BECAUSE HE WANTED ME AROUND 24/7.
NOPE.

HE BROUGHT UP MARRIAGE.
IF WE WERE MARRIED, WE'D HAVE TO LIVE TOGETHER...

AND HE HAD HIS THOUGHTS
ALL WORKED OUT IN HIS HEAD
ABOUT HOW IT WAS GOING TO BE ETC...

NOPE.

YOU CAN'T PUT OR TRY TO FORCE
WHAT YOU WANT WITH/FROM SOMEONE
ON THEM...

AND EXPECT WHAT IT IS
YOU WANT.

LIKE HE EXPECTED SOMETHING
WHEN HE SHOWED ME THAT VIDEO...

BEFORE HE SHOWED ME HIS PEEN.

ALL IT DID WAS THE OPPOSITE 
OF WHAT HE WANTED.

BUT IF YOU WALK AWAY FROM SOMEONE
ABRUPTLY, IT MIGHT CAUSE MORE 
"FRICTION."

THAT'S WHY I'D RATHER INTRODUCE HIM TO SOMEONE.
AND HAVE THAT PERSON THERE, WITH ME.

UNTIL THEY GO ALONE.
AND I CAN STOP GOING.

INSTEAD OF WHAT HE "FEARS"
ME NOT WANTING ANYTHING MORE TO DO WITH HIM
AND POTENTIALLY NEVER SEEING ME AGAIN...

WHEN PEOPLE ARE FACED WITH "FEARS"
THEY CAN DO STUPID THINGS.

TO MAKE THINGS MUCH WORSE.

But... I'd just feel much more comfortable
with someone else there, not alone with him. 

AND I'D RATHER GIVE THE "JOB"
TO SOMEONE ELSE.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM PAYING ME.
IT'S ABOUT RESPECT
THAT WASN'T SHOWN TO ME.

BY NOT SHOWING ME HIS PEEN.

RESPECTING THAT I ALREADY SAID NO TO S3X!!!!

WHICH SHOULD INCLUDE ANYTHING S3XU@L.
INCLUDING SHOWING ME HIS PEEN.
WTF!

THEN TELLING ME HE'S COMING TO MY PLACE?!
BECAUSE I DIDN'T REPLY?

HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE I LIVE.

AND WHY WOULD I WANT HIM HERE?

SO HE CAN "TRY" SOMETHING ELSE?
BECAUSE NOTHING HE'S TRIED HAS WORKED?

IF SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT TO FK, 
THEY DON'T WANT TO FK.

OR GET MARRIED.
OR MOVE IN TOGETHER.
OR BE AROUND YOU 24/7
OR EVEN WORK FOR YOU ANYMORE.

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO LEAVE HIM
HIGH AND DRY ABOUT HIS SITE.

I'D RATHER GET THAT GUY...
TO MEET WITH THE BOTH OF US, 
SHOW HIM EVERYTHING...
ASK HIM TO TAKE OVER.

BECAUSE SHOWING ME THAT VIDEO
AND SHOWING ME HIS PEEN
WERE PRETTY SELFISH THINGS TO DO.

As forward as my neighbor's been...

PRETTY SURE HE KNOWS BETTER
THAN TO SHOW ME SOMETHING
THAT WOULD GET ME FEELING
FKN UNCOMFORTABLE...

Uncomfortable? A***! It's just a peen!

Sure. BUT IT'S THE THOUGHT PROCESS
BEHIND HIM DOING IT
THAT FKN BOTHERS ME.

HE THINKS HE CAN JUST THROW MONEY AT ME, NOW.
"I'LL PAY YOU."

THAT DOESN'T FKN MATTER.
MY SELF-REGARD
MY SELF-RESPECT MATTERS.

HOW AM I RESPECTING MYSELF
GOING BACK TO WORK FOR A GUY
WHO DIDN'T RESPECT ME ENOUGH
NOT TO FKN DO THAT SH*T?

And even though I don't want to work for the guy anymore,
I'm still trying to give him grace

BY TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO.
AND NOT JUST LEAVING HIM WITH NOTHING.

LIKE I COULD BE DOING.

OR GOUGING TF OUT OF HIM
BECAUSE HE DID THAT SH*T.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY.
IT'S ABOUT RESPECT.

AND HIS EXPECTATIONS
ARE TOO FKN MUCH FOR ME.

HIS DESIRES ARE TOO MUCH FOR ME.

WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANTED?

RESPECT?!!!!
APPRECIATION...

"I APPRECIATE YOU SO MUCH
THAT I'D NEVER DO XYZ TO YOU...."

"I RESPECT YOU SO MUCH
THAT I'D NEVER DO XYZ TO YOU..."

THAT'S WHAT I WANTED.
DA FUQ DO I CARE ABOUT MONEY
IF I'M NOT BEING RESPECTED?!

Some people do seem to see my value
AND THEY GET SELFISH AND GREEDY
AND.... EVEN FKN CREEPY...

BECAUSE THEY ACT ENTITLED TO BE.

BUT THEY EITHER SEE IT WHEN I'M OUT THE DOOR
OR ON MY WAY OUT....

OR COMPLETELY GONE

AND THEY'RE NOT GETTING
A DAMN THING FROM ME ANYMORE....

AND THEY TRY TO BE MAD AT ME
LIKE I'M THE ONE WHO STOPPED DOING XYZ...

WHY THOUGH?

IF IT WASN'T AS BAD AS IT GOT
I WOULDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM
MEETING WITH HIM?

OR REPLYING?

I'D WANT TO TALK TO THE GUY?
I'D WANT TO SEE HIM?

I DON'T!

And maybe he needs to realize how bad that actually was.
FKN S3XU@L HARRASSMENT.

INSTEAD OF TEACHING HIM A LESSON, 
I JUST WANT TO WALK AWAY
AND ENJOY MY LIFE.

INTRODUCE HIM TO SOMEONE ELSE...
GIVE THEM THE JOB.

WIN WIN FOR EVERYONE.

EXCEPT HIM.
HE LOST WHAT HE WAS TRYING TO GET FROM ME.
BIG TIME.

COULD HAVE RESPECTED 
THAT I KEPT GIVING HIM CHANCES.

THAT I SAID NO MORE THAN ONCE.

THAT I HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY NO.

NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS HE WANTED.

SHOULD HAVE MATTERED WHAT I WANTED.

TO EVERYONE I'VE WALKED AWAY FROM.

THERE WAS A REASON I DID.

AND IT USUALLY TAKES A LOT.

SHOWING ME HIS PEEN IS A LOT.

A***, it's just a peen....

It's everything that was going through his head
when he was doing it.

SHOWING SOMEONE A D!CK PIC...
IS DIFFERENT THAN DOING IT IN PERSON.

IT JUST IS.

EVEN IF IT'S THE SAME THINKING...
IT'S DIFFERENT.

ALSO IT'S THE UNPREDICTABILITY...
AND POSSIBLE REACTION
TO ME LEAVING/ NOT WANTING TO BE THERE...

I DUNNO...
DON'T WANT TO FIND OUT.

But he hasn't acted like that to me
in front of others...

Just when we were alone.

So I'd just rather not.

Just that he wouldn't show the priest his peen...
He has some sense to know
THAT WOULDN'T GO OVER VERY WELL
AND THAT HE'D LOSE RESPECT
FOR DOING THAT.

MAYBE HE THOUGHT HE COULD
"WEAR ME DOWN" TOO.

JUST GROSS.
I SAID NO, I MEANT IT.

THAT NO WASN'T EVER GOING TO
MAGICALLY TRANSFORM INTO A YES....

AS TIME WENT ON...
AS HE KEPT DOING SH*TTY THINGS...

TO TRY TO "DESENSITIZE" ME OR WHATEVER TF
HE THOUGHT HE WAS DOING... 

FUQ DAT SH*T.

HE'S LITERALLY BEEN PUSHING IT
SINCE DAY FKN ONE.

JUST GETTING BOLDER AND BOLDER.
WELL HE GOT BOLDER AND BOLDER.

NO CHANCE ON GETTING BOLDER.
BECAUSE IF I'LL SEE HIM IT WON'T BE ALONE.

HE FKD THAT UP.
BY BEING A CREEP.

TRUSTED HIM NOT TO DO THAT SH*T.
TO RESPECT ME ENOUGH NOT TO DO THAT SH*T.

HE DID IT BECAUSE HE WANTED TO.
OR WHY DO IT?

Anyway... That's where I'm at with that.

It's been stressing me out.

Knowing he's contacting me like 4 times/day.
AND GETTING MAD THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN
SAYING ANYTHING.

OR DOING ANYTHING.

AND I DON'T EVEN OWE IT TO HIM
ESPECIALLY AFTER THAT SH*T.

But, even so... I'm trying to find him someone else.
And not just bounce.

BECAUSE I COULD JUST BOUNCE.

I WANT TO JUST BOUNCE.

AFTER THAT? YEAH!

AND IF MY NEIGHBOR GETS MAD
WHEN I'M DRAINED OF ENERGY
AFTER BEING AROUND HIM ALL DAY
THE DAY BEFORE
AND I WANT TO HAVE TIME FOR ME
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS...

HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO FKN ASK HIMSELF
WHY HE HAS TO BE UP MY FKN @SS.

AM I TRYING TO BE UP HIS @SS?
OR AM I STILL MAKING TIME
LIKE I DID BY GIVING HIM A WHOLE DAY?

JUST HIM AND I.

DO I HAVE TO? NO?
THEN?

HOW IS HE ENTITLED TO IT?

But people get too used to it...
AND WANT IT ALL THE TIME
WHEN THAT ISN'T WHAT I WANT
ALL THE TIME.

USED TO ME JUST BEING THERE
WITHOUT RESPECTING ME WHILE I WAS THERE...

YET STILL WANTING ME TO BE THERE.
JUST FOR THEM.

ALL THE TIME.

NOPE.

WANTING ME ALL TO THEMSELF.
DOING/BEING WHAT THEY WANTED...

WHILE, APPARENTLY I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED
TO JUST WANT FKN RESPECT. FFS.

I CAN'T DO ALL DAY EVERY DAY. I CAN'T.

ESPECIALLY SOME PEOPLE.
WANTING WAY MORE THAN WHAT I DO
OR EVER DID...

SELFISHLY.

AND NOT CARING WHAT I WANT.

Anyway, just friggin tired... 

TIRED OF "HELPING" PEOPLE WHO "EXPECT" IT.

For this fishing youtube thing, that was my idea.
The fishing site, my idea.

HE'S GOT EXPERIENCE TO LEVER.
I HAVE INFO TO LEVER.

PLUS, THERE'S THE INTERNET.
A LOT CAN HAPPEN WITH THE INTERNET.

ESPECIALLY THINGS YOU NEVER THOUGHT COULD...
OR WOULD...

There's something I've been trying to convince myself of...
That some surprises can be good surprises.

SO MANY "SURPRISES" HAVE BEEN
TOTALLY FOOKED UP.

SOME OF THE SHOCK OF HOW FKD UP IT WAS...
HASN'T EVEN WORN OFF
AND MIGHT NOT...

IT'S HARD TRYING TO TRAIN MY BODY
TO FULLY BELIEVE THAT SOME SURPRISES
CAN ACTUALLY BE GOOD.

SLAMMED WITH A LOT OF SH*T
THAT I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO "DEAL WITH"
OR "HANDLE" ON MY OWN...

WHEN I NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN
THE POSITION TO HAVE HAD TO...
EVER...

It's like my body knows the stress of that sh*t.
The constant stress of that sh*t...

So when I try to convince myself
that some surprises can be good...

1) It totally feels like I'm lying to myself
2) A lot of weird mixed emotional stuff.

As much as I would like nice, good surprises, normality...
Things other people would consider normal...
It's almost like that'd surprise me.

AFTER SO MUCH FKD UP SH*T....

So, as much as I would like that...
I CAN NEVER WANT IT.

WANTING IT MEANS:

1) THESE VERY SMALL THINGS
THAT SHOULD BE NORMAL
SHOULDN'T BE A LOT TO WANT...

2) IT'S LIKE IT'S MADE INTO A WHOLE FKN THING
JUST BECAUSE I WANTED THE BARE BASICS.

WANTING THE BARE BASICS SHOULD BE NORMAL.
HAVING THE BARE BASICS SHOULD HAVE BEEN NORMAL.

AND THEN GETTING TREATED LIKE I'M NOT NORMAL
JUST FOR WANTING WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN NORMAL?

It fks with a person's head to the point
they start feeling like there is no fkn point
in wanting fkn anything....

IF WANTING WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN NORMAL
WAS MADE INTO SUCH A FKN THING.

BASIC FKN RESPECT.

AND WHAT P*SSED ME OFF
ABOUT MIRROR SMASHER....

HE HAD MORE RESPECT FOR PEOPLE
WHO DIDN'T AND NEVER RESPECTED HIM
THAN HE HAD FOR ME.

THE ONE WHO WAS DOING THE MOST FOR HIM.
WHY?

BUT DOING THE MOST FOR SOMEONE...
DOESN'T MEAN THEY'D EVER APPRECIATE
ANY OF IT
OR YOU.
EVEN FOR IT.

WASN'T WHY I WAS DOING IT,
BUT SOME APPRECIATION COULD HAVE COUNTED?

Anyway, it's about respect.

RESPECTING MYSELF ENOUGH
JUST TO SAY FK OFF TO PEOPLE
WHO NEED TO BE TOLD TO FK OFF.

I'VE BEEN GENEROUS, NOT BECAUSE I HAD TO BE.
BECAUSE I CHOSE TO BE.

THEY CHOSE TO BE A SH*T.
DIDN'T HAVE TO BE...
CHOSE TO BE.

ONLY SO MUCH OF THAT ANYONE SHOULD "TAKE."
AND REALLY, THEY SHOULDN'T.

I REALLY NEVER SHOULD HAVE
OR IT WOULDN'T HAVE
EVER GONE THIS FAR.

That's on me.

Just stuff bugs me so much... I get anxiety
just thinking about some of that stuff.

THAT'S HOW MUCH IT BUGS ME.

And things show up in other ways, too.

BUT ISOLATING MYSELF FOR DAYS?
THIS IS WHY.

If I give someone a whole day, I need 3 for myself, at least.
That's how much it takes out of me.

TRY EXPLAINING THAT TO PEOPLE
WHO WANT TO BE UP YOUR @SS.

WHO EVEN GET MAD AT YOU
BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THEM UP YOUR @SS.

YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE UP YOUR @SS.
YOU JUST WANT TO CHILL...

FROM TIME TO TIME.

NOT EVERY DAY.
NOT ALL THE TIME.

NOT TO BE SUCKED DRY.
WHEN IT COMES TO ENERGY.

ENERGY VAMPIRISM IS REAL.
SAVE SOME FOR YOURSELF.

USE YOURS. KEEP YOURS.