Only Lasts So Long

For a long time, I've had "energy" issues.
Feeling "depleted" energetically. 

The feeling of having loads of things to do, 
but not a lot of energy to do them. 

I've had days where it was "hard" hoisting my body
up stairs, even. 

And I don't smoke cigarettes anymore...
And I'm not 185lbs anymore.

Having the extra weight on me...
Made me feel "anchored" and hard to 
"hoist" myself lol. 

Even as hard as it was...
I still "attempted" the PREP test.
I failed it...

First, it's a timed test.
Secondly, I couldn't get the grip I needed.

The part that screwed me up was the machine...

The machine has weights on it that go up.
The weights go up when you squeeze the parts together.

What it is... It's a "simulation" of how much "force"
(the weights) it takes to put someone's hands
behind their back to cuff them. 
Especially if they are resisting, 
like the parts you're trying to squeeze together
to lift the weights up.

And the whole test is timed, not just that part.
I was losing time for the rest of the test, 
and I couldn't get the grip I needed...

So I had to quit the test.
Because I was running out of time for the rest.
And the damn machine....
Was taking all my time...

At this weight, the extra weight
wouldn't be the issue...

Part of the test, I had to jump a wall...
Which I did. At that weight.

The PREP test is 
Physical Readiness Evaluation for Police.

The federal cops have a different test.
Called the PARE test. 

I was 65 lbs heavier. I also smoked heavy.
I was fine up to the part with the machine.

My body wasn't in the best shape. 
My son was only 8 months old.

My teacher was impressed that I could do curls.

I attribute the physical aspects of that course
for helping me lose the weight.

The thing is with it...

There are around 7 tests that cost $$$ to take.
If you fail just 1, you have to take them ALL
over again.

And you don't get your money back if you fail.

At the time, it was money I couldn't afford, period. 
Let alone to waste on failing. 

So after I graduated, I didn't pursue anything. 

Plus, I have psych "history" so they'd see all that.

And I'd have to work with D*CK cops. 
I'd want to smash people for being d*cks.

WHEN THEY NEVER HAD TO BE.

STORY OF MY LIFE....

PROBABLY WOULD HAVE A HARD TIME
EVEN HOLDING MY TONGUE.

AND PROBABLY WOULD GET MYSELF FIRED.
IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT A LOT OF JOBS. 

Anyway, a lot of exams are like that...
THEY COST MONEY JUST TO TAKE.

A guy I know... He has a tech-related job. 
His company, (the company he works for, not owns)
requires him to take an exam every 3 years or so.

TO STAY CERTIFIED.

To keep working there, he has to be certified. 
He can only get his certificate
if he passes the exams the company requires him to pass
every three years.

That's part of why he loaned me money when I was moving. 
Because he physically couldn't help. 

He was balls to the wall study-mode.

The fact that he even let me "vent" about it...

He's been a pretty good friend... 

But like most, he doesn't fkn listen to me.
He treats me like he knows better than me
because of xyz, like most do.

That's the only complaint that I have. 
Otherwise, he's been great.

Anyway, it was about the exams.
Not everyone's "inability" to listen.

It's serious business when:

1) The exams cost $$$ to take.
2) Failing the exam doesn't get you a refund
3) You need to pass the exam for a certificate or something
4) You need said certificate for work or something

When I was in college, up until that point
when they revealed to you AT THE END
THAT IT WAS GOING TO COST MORE MONEY
AFTER YOU GRADUATE...

I DIDN'T THINK EXAMS WOULD COST MONEY, 
BUT THEY DO! SOME DO!
PROBABLY EVEN MOST!

But they get you to pay for the course
THINKING THAT JUST THE COURSE IS ENOUGH...
PASSING THE COURSE IS WHAT LEADS
TO POTENTIALLY GETTING HIRED...

THEY LET YOU THINK THAT
UNTIL THE END OF THE COURSE
WHERE THEY "INFORM" YOU
ABOUT WHAT "HAPPENS NEXT"
AFTER THE COURSE.

THEN YOU REALIZE YOU WASTED TIME
TAKING A COURSE
WHEN IT WASN'T THE ONLY 
"LEVEL OF ENTRY"

LIKE IT WASN'T THE "ONLY" THING
YOU HAD TO DO... 

AND GET STUCK WITH DEBT FOR YEARS, 
EVEN DECADES...

STRUGGLING AFTER THAT...

BUT THEY DON'T TELL YOU AT FIRST
BECAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO PAY FOR
THAT INITIAL COURSE.

EVEN IF IT'S LIKE FLUSHING MONEY
DOWN A TOILET

BECAUSE THERE'S MORE THEY AREN'T SAYING.

But I realized, during that course, there are a lot of aspects
of doing that job that I'd resent. 

And from having a lot of resentments in my life, 
I probably didn't need to be giving myself anything more to resent. 

The "red tape" sh*t.
BS "proceedural" sh*t.
"Hands tied" sh*t.

Hands are tied as a CIVILIAN. 
HANDS TIED AS A COP?

AND COPS CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH, ANYWAY.

THERE ARE A LOT OF DOWNSIDES OF BEING A COP.
EVEN IF I STILL WANTED TO BE ONE.
I DON'T.

Sometimes I think about "what might have been"
had I done xyz, or followed through
with some goals I had for myself... 

At one point, I wanted to follow my Grandmother's footprints. 
But maybe I might have had resentments
about the army, too. 

And I got preggers before I could enlist.
So that kinda took it off the table. 

AND IT DRIVES ME INSANE
TO BE ORDERED AROUND.

I WOULD DEFINITELY RESENTED THAT SH*T.

SOMEONE SHOUTING IN MY FACE
AND ME FIGHTING THE URGE
THE WHOLE TIME
TO GET IN THEIR FACE
ABOUT GETTING IN MINE.

THAT'S WHAT THAT'D HAVE BEEN LIKE.

"KICKED OUT OF THE ARMY"
"FOR PULLING A DRILL SRG 
ON A DRILL SRG."

OR TRYING TO LOL.

I'd be kicked out for not having that self-control. 

Because, back then, I didn't. 

Someone in my face? I'd be in theirs.
FOR BEING IN MINE.

DID NOT GAF WHO'S FACE.
IF THEY WERE IN MINE, 
THE URGE TO BE RIGHT BACK IN THEIRS
WAS SOMETHING I HAD TO FIGHT
SO DAMN HARD. 

AND IT COST ME.

NOT HAVING THAT "SELF-CONTROL"
ENOUGH NOT TO...

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, 
YES, FK YES, 
I WILL STAND UP FOR MYSELF. 

I've been walked on all my life. 

The urges to "deal with it
THE WAY YOU WANT TO"
are so fkn STRONG. 

There are times, at least some, I can think of
WHERE I WANTED TO TAKE MATTERS
INTO MY OWN HANDS.

HOW IRONIC IT'D BE, IF I HAD
AND THE HISTORY COMES OUT
THAT I ONCE STUDIED
"TO BE A COP"
AND THEN EXACTING 
"STREET JUSTICE"
BECAUSE I ALREADY WENT
THROUGH THE COPS
LIKE "I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO."

AND WHAT DID I GET?
A BUNCH OF BS AND EXCUSES?
AND INSTIGATING?
GASLIGHTING?
GARBAGE?

THAT'S ALL I GOT.
GOING THAT ROUTE.

And there are other ways, many other ways. 

WAYS THAT AREN'T
"ABOVE BOARD."

AND SOME THAT ARE.

BUT WHAT COULD I HAVE EXPECTED?
ANYTHING DIFFERENT
THAN I GOT ALL ALONG?
FROM THEM?
FROM ANYONE?

And even when mirror smasher....
When he first came to stay with me....

We had a "talk" about how sh*tty he was to me...
HE GAVE ME A BUNCH OF EXCUSES
MADE A BUNCH OF EXCUSES
FOR HIS EX
(OR WHOEVER TF SHE IS AND DGAF)
LIED TO MY FACE
SAYING HE WOULDN'T TREAT ME LIKE THAT
AGAIN. 

AND I BELIEVED HIM.

IT WAS THE LYING TO MY FACE.
ABOUT THAT.
ABOUT EVERYTHING.

ABOUT BEING "DONE" WITH HER.
"THAT" BEING "OVER."

DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS READING
ALL OUR CONVERSATIONS, THOUGH.

HAD THE GUT FEELING...
BUT COULDN'T CONFIRM IT.

UNTIL SHE LASHED OUT
IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR CONVERSATION. 
THREATENED US BOTH.

AND HE STILL WENT BACK TO HER
LIKE THAT NEVER HAPPENED FFS.

AND EVEN "APOLOGIZED" TO ME.
OR TRIED TO.

DA FUQ? B*TCH DON'T FKN TALK TO ME.


IT COULDN'T BE "OVER"
IF SHE WASN'T GOING TO "LET IT BE OVER"
RIGHT?

BESIDES THAT, THE AUDACITY....
IT GOT OLD AND STALE
AND KICKED TO THE CURB.

WHAT WAS GOING TO CHANGE?
HOW HE TREATED ME?
ANYTHING?
NO?
THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT
IN CONTINUING TO WASTE MY TIME?

It was what he was allowing HER to get away with
MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER
FOR HIMSELF...

ACTING LIKE THE VICTIM
OF HIS OWN BS.

PUSH ME AWAY FOR POINTING OUT THE BS?
BRINGING IT UP?
LIKE IT'S SOMETHING
YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT?

AND WANTING YOU TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT IT?

AND SHE WAS JUST "ALLOWED"
TO COME AT ME FOR WHATEVER
REASON SHE GAVE HERSELF TO 
"JUSTIFY" DOING IT?

AND HAD I DONE THAT? TO HER?

BUT NO, NOT DEALING WITH THAT SH*T.
HE CAN DEAL WITH THAT SH*T.

HIS SH*T AND HER SH*T.
BUT THE EXCUSES I'VE HEARD FOR IT
ARE JUST BS EXCUSES.

WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?

HER RUNNING ALL OVER HIM, 
HIM MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER...

THEM BOTH PROJECTING THEIR BS ON ME...

HER ACIDIC JEALOUSY...

BECAUSE SHE KNOWS I WAS FOR REAL.
SHE NEVER WAS.
OR SHE WOULDN'T HAVE EVER
XYZ.

ANY OF THE THINGS HE GAVE HER EXCUSES TO DO.

AND STAYED FOR MORE OF.

SO NOT MY FAULT FOR FINALLY WALKING AWAY.

THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTED ALL ALONG
THAT'S WHY SHE KEPT DOING WHAT SHE WAS DOING, 
READING OUR CONVERSATIONS
TO SEE WHEN WE HAD "PLANS"
THAT SHE NEEDED TO "RUIN"
AND KEPT DOING IT.

AND HE KEPT LETTING HER DO THAT...

AND I COULDN'T SAY SH*T ABOUT IT
OR IT'D BE A FIGHT BETWEEN HIM & I
OR A FIGHT BETWEEN ME & (HER PRETENDING TO BE HIM).
ON THE FKN MESSENGER.
SINCE SHE WAS READING EVERYTHING.

YEARS OF THIS SH*T.
BECAUSE OF HER.

AND WHOEVER ELSE, TOO.

IT WASN'T JUST HER. 
I KNOW THAT FOR A FACT.

BECAUSE A FEMALE
STALKED ME TO WHERE
I GOT OFF THE TRAIN
BECAUSE I HAD PLANS WITH HIM
THAT DAY, 

AND SHE WAS TRYING TO VERBALLY ATTACK ME.
ALL DRUNK AND ACTING STUPID.
TRYING TO SCARE ME.
AND HAD NO IDEA 
WHAT IT WAS EVEN ABOUT.

UNTIL I CAUGHT THEM TOGETHER. 

AND I RECOGNIZED HER.
HE RECOGNIZED ME.

PASSING ON THE STREET.

SHE LITERALLY WAS TRYING TO CHALLENGE ME.
"DON'T TRY ANYTHING. HE'S TAKEN."

AT THAT POINT, HE'D SLAMMED THE DOOR
IN HIS OWN FACE SO MANY TIMES
ALREADY, 
THE INTEREST WASN'T THE SAME.

HE'D ALREADY HAD HIS CHANCES.
HE THREW THEM ALL AWAY.
FOR HER, AND HER NEXT LOL.

WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?

AND NOT ONLY DID HE DO THAT, 
HE KEPT DOING IT
AND WOULD HAVE KEPT DOING IT.

SO WHAT WAS THE POINT?
TO BE HIS "SUPPLY"?
FUQ DAT.

AND I FKD UP MY CHANCES
I COULD HAVE HAD, 
WASTING THEM ON HIM.

ON HOPING HE'D GET HIS HEAD 
OUT OF HIS @SS, 

BUT THOSE WERE HIS CHOICES. 

Anyway, I wrote about it ad nauseam. 
Especially when I was choosing
to "deal with it."

UNTIL I SAID FK THIS.
I DON'T FKN HAVE TO.

NO POINT IN THIS SH*T.

YOU CAN'T FORCE
SOMEONE
WHO REFUSES TO REALIZE 
ANYTHING
TO REALIZE SOMETHING. 
ANYTHING. 

IT WAS ALL PRETTY MUCH
ABOUT HIM REALIZING THINGS
HE COULD HAVE REALIZED
A LONG TIME AGO
HAD HE NOT REFUSED TO REALIZE IT.

AND HAD HE NOT LET THESE...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL THEM
OTHER THAN INTERFERENCES
INTERFERE...

MAYBE HE COULD HAVE.
JUST REALIZED ALREADY.

BUT IT ISN'T MY JOB
TO TRY TO FORCE THAT TO HAPPEN. 

PEOPLE ACTUALLY RESENT THAT.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO BE
FORCED.
EVEN INTO REALIZING SOMETHING. 
THAT WAS PRETTY IMPORTANT
FOR HIM TO REALIZE.

AND HAD HE REALIZED
A LONG TIME AGO, 
THINGS MIGHT HAVE GONE
SO MUCH SMOOTHER....

THE WAY THAT I HAD JUST...
WANTED THEM TO BE.

BUT OF COURSE...
CAN'T HAVE GOTTEN "WHAT I WANTED"
WITH AT LEAST 2 FEMALES
INTENTIONALLY
PREVENTING THAT
FROM HAPPENING, 

BUT THAT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
EVEN ALLOWED TO HAPPEN
HAD HE JUST REALIZED.

THAT IT WAS EVEN HAPPENING, 
AND WHY.

BUT WHY LISTEN TO ME ABOUT IT?

AND ALL I WANTED WAS FOR THINGS
TO JUST BE SMOOTH
LIKE THEY HAD NO REASON
NOT TO BE.

ONLY 2 (OR MORE) REASONS NOT TO BE.
RIGHT?

COULD ONLY "WIN"
BY "MAKING US" RESENT EACH OTHER.

AND WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER.

BECAUSE WE'D BE "APART" 
AND THEY'D "WIN" THE GAME. 

A GAME I DON'T HAVE THE TIME
OR DESIRE TO PLAY.

HAD HE LISTENED TO ME, 
HE'D HAVE REALIZED...

BUT TOO LATE FOR THAT, NOW.

I STUCK AROUND AND GAVE HIM CHANCES.
JUST TO REALIZE THAT
AND MORE.

ABOUT THAT AND ABOUT ME.

AND I WAITED WAY TOO LONG.
FOR ANY OF THAT.

DIDN'T HAVE TO.
JUST HOPED THAT HE'D REALIZE.

AND I CAN'T FORCE THAT, EITHER.

AND NO MATTER HOW P*SSED I GET
THAT THEY REFUSED TO REALIZE IT, 

THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM WANT TO
REALIZE IT.

AND DOESN'T MAKE THEM
ACTUALLY 
REALIZE IT.

AND WASTING MY ENERGY
BEING P*SSED ABOUT IT
THEIR LITERAL INABILITY 
TO FKN GRASP IT.

BECAUSE IF THEY WERE ABLE TO, 
THEY PROBABLY WOULD HAVE.

AND YOU HAVE TO "FORGIVE"
THEM FOR NOT BEING "ABLE TO"
GRASP
WHAT'S RIGHT IN THEIR FACE...

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT
UNTIL THEY BECOME "ABLE TO."

IF YOU'RE NOT MATURE ENOUGH
TO BE MATURE, 

I DON'T NEED TO BE WASTING TIME.
JUST THAT.

JUST THE THINGS PEOPLE NEED TO REALIZE
TO BE MATURE...

IT SHOULDN'T BE MY JOB
TO EXPLAIN THE THINGS 
I KNOW THEY SHOULD HAVE
REALIZED BY NOW.

ON THEIR OWN. 

I'VE HAD TO REALIZE A SH*T TON ON MY OWN. 

IN FACT, I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE
HAD I NOT 
BEEN UNDER MY OWN INFLUENCE.

INFLUENCE CAN BE A STRONG THING. 
CERTAIN PEOPLE AROUND YOU
DEFINITELY HAVE AN INFLUENCE ON YOU. 

JUST LIKE THE INFLUNCE THEY ALL HAD ON HIM
TO GET HIM RESENTING ME
FOR NO REAL REASON.

JUST THE REASONS THEY GAVE HIM LOL.
AND REASONS HE GAVE HIMSELF. 

THE ONLY THING HE COULD
ACTUALLY RESENT ME FOR
WAS TRYING TO FORCE HIM TO REALIZE
WHAT I'D BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG
WAS TRUE. 

AND HAD HE LISTENED, HE'D HAVE SEEN THAT.

AND MAYBE BEEN A BETTER INFLUENCE ON HIM?

BUT NO, HE WANTS TO BE AROUND PEOPLE
WHO CO-SIGN THE BS.
I DON'T.

OF COURSE THEY'D CO-SIGN IT.
KNOWING IT'D PUSH ME AWAY.

THE ONE WHO'D BE TRYING TO
TALK HIM OUT OF IT...

BUT NO.
DIDN'T WANT TO BE TALKED OUT OF
WRECKING HIMSELF. 

HIS CHOICE.

BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO WAIT? LOL
UNTIL HE'S DONE WRECKING HIMSELF?
AFTER HE REALIZED SOME THINGS?
I'D BEEN TELLING HIM ALL ALONG?

Like ALL he could see was me trying to
FORCE HIM INTO WAKING UP.

AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO.

NOT WHY I'D WANT HIM TO.

AND GETTING TIRED OF HIM
JUST NOT DOING IT HIMSELF.

AND WHY I WOULD BE TIRED.

OF THAT. ALL OF THAT.
ESPECIALLY OF HER.

WHEN SHE WAS TO HAVE ZERO PART
IN WHATEVER COULD HAVE BEEN
BETWEEN HIM AND I.

BUT KEPT EXCUSING HER FOR DOING IT!

HOW INSULTING IS THAT?

IT'D BE LIKE IF MY EX DID THE SH*T SHE DID, 
TO HIM.
JUST TO BE IN THE WAY, 
BUT TO CAUSE A DIVIDE.

THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY
SHE COULD STOP US
FROM BEING ANYTHING.

BUT, AGAIN, HIS CHOICE.

HAD HE REALIZED THAT...

AND SHE'LL KEEP DOING IT.
AND DOING IT.
AND DOING IT.

UNTIL HE STOPS LETTING HER DO IT.

I ALREADY GAVE HIM CHANCES
TO STOP LETTING HER DO THAT, 

AMONG OTHER THINGS.

HE'S EXCUSED HER FOR YEARS AND YEARS
AND IT ONLY STOPS WHEN HE STOPS.

AND I CAN'T FORCE HIM TO STOP.

IF HE REALIZED, HE'D JUST STOP.

JUST LIKE I HAD TO REALIZE TO STOP
GIVING HIM CHANCES
HE WAS JUST GOING TO KEEP WASTING
BECAUSE OF COURSE
WHY WOULD SHE WANT HIM
TO TAKE A CHANCE
IN A NEW DIRECTION?

AWAY FROM HER BS?

SHE'D HAVE NO MORE 
"CONTROL" OVER HIM. 

CONTROL HE ALLOWED HER TO HAVE.

THAT I KEPT TRYING TO FKN TELL HIM
SHE DOESN'T NEED TO BE HAVING.
HE NEEDS TO BE HAVING. 
OVER HIMSELF.

AS TO NOT THINK HE CAN JUST
TREAT ME HOWEVER TF HE THINKS HE CAN.
BECAUSE HE CAN'T.

NOT ANYMORE.

BECAUSE WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?

AND I'M NOT JUST ANYONE. 

I'VE HAD TO GIVE MYSELF
THE SPACE TO BE WHO I AM
BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE
WOULD HAVE GIVEN THAT TO ME, 
PERIOD. 

I'VE KEPT MOST OF WHO I AM TO MYSELF. 
Because being treated like THAT...
WHO'D WANT THAT SH*T?

BUT LITERALLY A SLAP IN THE FACE
TO PUSH ME AWAY
BECAUSE SHE WANTED YOU TO DO IT.
AND NOT ONLY SHE DID, 
WHOEVER ELSE DID, TOO.

AND THAT WAS A CHOICE.
BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE TOLD HER
TO FK OFF.

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT CAME TO ME.

BECAUSE HE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME
TO FK OFF
HAD I DONE THE EXACT SAME SH*T SHE DID.

AND WHY HE HADN'T A LONG @SS TIME AGO...
IS BECAUSE HE'S TOO INSECURE TO DO IT.

BECAUSE SHE'D BE JUST AS SPITEFUL
AND IGNORANT AND WHATEVER ELSE
WITH HIM
AS HE WAS WITH ME.
MAYBE EVEN MORE SO.

AND HER LASHING OUT
DURING OUR CONVERSATION

REALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN
VINDICATION FOR ME.

FOR EVERYTHING I'D BEEN SAYING.
ABOUT MY GUT FEELINGS
THAT SHE WAS READING IT ALL.
ETC.

EVERYTHING I'D BEEN FKN
GASLIT ABOUT.

FKN VINDICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOR ME!!!!!!!!!

NOPE, JUST SWEEP THAT UNDER THE RUG
LIKE EVERYTHING EVERYONE'S DOING

JUST TO FK WITH ME...

COULD HAVE SIDESTEPPED A LOT OF BS, 
HAD EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE
WANTING TO BE IN THE WAY.....

NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO GET IN THE WAY....

BUT, CHOICES.
CHOSE TO ALLOW THAT.

NOT JUST TO ALLOW IT, 
BUT CHOSE IT.

WAS A CHOICE.

COULDN'T SEEM TO REALIZE THAT, EITHER.
SO WHY NOT LET EVERYONE CHOOSE FOR HIM?

THEY WANT TO, DON'T THEY?
OR HE COULD MAKE HIS OWN?

LIKE AN ADULT?

BUT IT WAS MY CHOICE, TOO.
I CHOSE TO STOP WAITING. 
FOR HIM TO REALIZE.
GIVING CHANCES, TOO.

FOR WHAT? EXCUSES?

LITERALLY MADE EXCUSES FOR HER!!!!
AND KEPT DOING IT.

AND HIMSELF, TOO, OF COURSE.

IT WASN'T THAT HE CHOSE TO PUSH ME AWAY
IT WAS HOW HE CHOSE TO DO IT.
AND THAT HE KEPT DOING IT.

WHY BE HOT AND COLD TO ME?
YOU WANNA BE COLD? I CAN BE TOO.

AND NOBODY CAN BE MAD AT ME FOR IT
WHEN YOU WERE COLD TO ME, FIRST.

HAVE TO BE COLD TO ME? NO?
THEN WHY DO IT?
JUST TO DO IT?

EVERY TIME HE DID IT
WAS SLAMMING THE DOOR IN HIS OWN FACE.

BECAUSE WHY WOULD I WANT THAT?

WAS MY CHOICE TO LET HIM COME BACK
AFTER EVERYTHING HE DID.

WAS MY CHOICE TO WALK AWAY, TOO.
WHY STAY JUST TO KEEP PUTTING UP WITH BS?

IMMATURE BS?

WHY KEEP WASTING TIME?

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A WASTE OF TIME
WAITING FOR HIM TO STOP WASTING MY TIME.
OUR TIME.

TIME WE COULD HAVE HAD.

THAT NOBODY WANTED US TO HAVE.
EXCEPT FOR ME, BUT
NOT GOING TO FIGHT FOR THAT.

FOR ANYONE
WHO'D "MAKE ME"
"HAVE TO"
"FIGHT FOR" THAT.

TO EVEN BE HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD FFS.
WHO'D WANT THAT?

IF HE REALIZES ANYTHING, 
I'D LIKE IT TO BE WHY I WOULDN'T WANT THAT.

WHY WOULD I EVEN WANT TO LIVE
WITH ANYONE WHO WOULD?

WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE
HAD HE REALIZED THAT, TOO.

HE HAD AN OPPORTUNITY
TO GET HIS SH*T TOGETHER.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WAS GIVING HIM. 
BUT HE NEEDED TO GIVE IT TO HIMSELF. 

LIKE I DID.

OUTSIDE OF BEING WITH ANYONE.
BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY WAY THAT I COULD
AT THAT TIME, 

OR IT'D HAVE BEEN ABOUT THEM, 
LIKE IT HAD BEEN...
BECAUSE THEY ALL WANTED ME
TO PUT THEIR NEEDS
ABOVE MINE.

AND EVEN DOING THAT
WASN'T "GOOD ENOUGH."

UNTIL THAT'S ALL I WAS DOING
FOR EVERYONE
WHILE THEY JUST TOOK ME FOR GRANTED.
THE WHOLE TIME.

LIKE WHY EVEN BE THERE AT ALL, THEN?

THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY LIFE, SOMETIMES.
WHY EVEN BE HERE AT ALL, THEN?

FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT?

SO WHY SACRIFICE THE GOOD OF MYSELF FOR
ANYONE WHO CAN'T AND SURE WON'T
APPRECIATE IT.

THEY'D HAVE TO SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS, FOR THAT, RIGHT?

But someone brought something up. 

Some people can be given something.
BUT DOESN'T MEAN THEY KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH IT.

Sure, it's easy to get me wrong. 
To get anyone wrong. 

So much easier
than getting someone right.

And if they have to go "what's this?"
And still can't figure it out, 

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES
THEY'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT?

AND YOU CAN TRY, ALL YOU WANT
TO EXPLAIN TO THEM
WHAT TO DO WITH IT...

SOMETHING THAT COULD HAVE BEEN
RARE AND GOOD, EVEN.... 

HAD NOBODY BEEN ALLOWED TO
SABOTAGE IT.

HAD IT BEEN RESPECTED, APPRECIATED, 
THE WAY I SURE WANTED TO BE.

BUT JUST WANTING THAT
DOESN'T MEAN YOU'LL GET THAT

FROM SOMEONE WHO
MIGHT NOT EVEN HAVE IT IN THEM. 

BECAUSE IT'S STILL TAKING TOO MUCH TIME
TO REALIZE SIMPLE TRUTHS
THAT COULD HAVE
AND SHOULD HAVE
BEEN ENOUGH
TO CHANGE EVERYTHING.

SO I HAD TO LEAVE HIM TO WHAT HE CHOSE.
WISH HIM WELL. 

CONTINUE ON. 

NOT IN SEARCH OF GREENER GRASS.
NOT IN SEARCH OF ANYTHING.

THE REASON EXTERNAL SH*T
ISN'T AS "SATISFYING" AS WE THINK IT COULD BE
IS BECAUSE THAT'S NOT WHERE
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

TRUE SATISFACTION IS SELF-MASTERY.

It'll sound silly... 
When I was a little girl... 

I learned how to put my own hair up
in an elastic for the first time...

And how frustrating it was
that I couldn't get the damn thing
to just stay in my hair. 

But the first time.
I put my own hair in a "pony tail"
THAT WAS SATISFACTION.

Imagine THAT, but on an inner level...

The elastic and the "pony tail"
representing different things.... 

The "hair" even something other than. 

Everything in that example is a metaphor.

For doing something, internally.

THE INTERNAL EQUIVELENT
OF LEARNING HOW TO
"PUT YOUR OWN HAIR"
IN A "PONY TAIL"
FOR THE FIRST TIME.

ELASTICS 101 LOL.

"FIRST, YOU NEED AN ELASTIC!"

Did you know that elastics are called
"pony tail holders" in some parts of the world?

I thought they were known as elastics, 
in the english world, at least.

Kind of like how some people say soda, 
and other people call them pop, 

or some call them soft drinks.

and they have other names
in other languages.

It's insane how many elastics get made and sold, though. 

Silly things like elastics, 
but many take for granted
that they work to keep hair
out of people's faces, 
hair off people's necks and shoulders LOL
Out of people's eyes, too.

Guys who've wanted to see me with my hair down, 
most of them... Probably don't want them to see me
with my hair down.

Because there's a reason that they do.

Or it wouldn't bother them
that I like to have it up.

Out of my face, off my neck and shoulders, 
out of my eyes.

It feels weird.

Imagine being a horse and you can't use your hoofs
to adjust your mane
and it's blowing around on your neck
and nothing you can do about it?

And they use their tails to swat flies
because not much else they can do
with no hands.

"Look Ma! No hands!"
*raises hoofs*
*whips neck and mane*

I guess on that note, 
I'll actually get something done today.

Just spurts of energy only last so long.