Tunes Every Day

Weather's been getting better, took a few walks. 
I've got a new "circuit" now.

Went for a walk tonight, it was raining. 
I just needed "fresh-ish" air lol.
It's not the "freshest" but it's fresh-ish."

I kept seeing signs on poles tonight:
"My Father had to flee Italy
after hitting a fascist with a tuba."

Just those words
and a picture of a green tuba lol.

It's a nice "little area" where I go for a walk. 

I've been staying on "this side" of the rivers.
Both rivers. I'm in between them, now.

O-town's moisture dome lol.

I circle around back this way, again. 

Probably takes a few hours. 

Swung through the university, again. 
It's conveniently there.

Well, I go for the piano lol. 
I still suck at it, but...

It's just for practice.

I need new strings for my guitar...

Same notes, just different instruments.
InSTRUMents.

When I went to my first open-mic night...

The guy asked me if I wanted to borrow a pic.

I've always just strummed with my thumb lol. 

I cannot "pic" a guitar LOL.

I miss playing it, but I have to get it "restrung."

Anyway, I've been "settling" for the piano, 
and usually, when I'm there, 
there aren't many people there.

It has a sign on it that says:
Do not play the piano between the hours
of 9am and 4pm. 

It's "open" after 5pm. 

I didn't think it'd be open tonight.

Because the doors are "locked" after hours.
And has a "card reader" thing.

Anyway, it was "open" tonight.
Nobody around...

I remembered to "water" "Brutus"
when I left.

I didn't have a "container" for water for him
so I filled a "basket thing" for recycling paper lol
with water to give him a drink lol.

He always looks thirsty. 

Seems that people do "water" him, 
but he probably could use some extra water.

So on the hot days...
When I sneak in there, for a drink, 
Brutus gets one, too.
When I have something to put the water in lol.

They probably watched me on the security camera...
"Wtf is she doing?"
"Is she giving water to the plant?"
"Okay, that weird girl's leaving now."

So, yeah, Brutus has a name
and it's.... Brutus!

There was a football game going on. 
I think it was practice. I didn't stop to watch.

Just moved through. Did my thing. 
"Watered" "Brutus" and left.

I like having a thing that's just for me.

For some reason, 
if I started dating (highly unlikely)
I'd have to "divulge" the things I'm doing. 

Because... "Where are you going?"
"Going to see Brutus."

Then I'd have to explain "who" "Brutus" is...
And that "he" happens to "live" at the university etc...

And he puts up with my piano-ing. 

And I'd have to "explain" the weird things I do. 
The quiet little weird things I do.

Or... I'll just... Be single and enjoy tf out of my weird things.
Think to myself and start laughing
at my weirdness lol. 

Like the times I had to fart
while walking with people
and I wanted them to walk ahead of me
so I could fart
but they didn't know why I stopped...

So they stop... Instead of walking ahead
like I told 'em to!!!! LOL.

I was thinking about that, and I passed someone.
I was thinking "I better tell them not to go THAT way..."
Because "I farted over there." LOL.

And I just kept laughing. 
"I'm funny."

I ran into a neighbor tonight...
He was saying: "Nobody's seen you in a while...
Where ya been?"

He was drunk lol.

Was telling me he "made it."
And he said it's been lonely on "that side."
At least he hasn't asked me if I want to have s3x FFS.

He wanted a dvd player, I had a couple.
I didn't know if they still worked
so I didn't want to sell them to him
in case they didn't. 
So I gave them to him. 

He was so fkn happy lol.

I hope at least one of them works lol. 

Someone gave me a plasma tv and I need to
get some sort of remote for it, 
but I'm going to get the SEGA connected to it...

It'll be sweet to play sonic on it.

I've been waiting to get into "the clear"
to invite a friend over with his sons. 

For dinner.

I just want to not be "concerned" 
about my stupid "payments"

like I want to actually have something left
to "cook a meal to invite them to have with me."

"Want to come over for hot dogs?" LOL.

I've run into that guy, at a bank, 
and at a ID place.

He went with his friend to the ID place.
They got there as I was leaving. 

He sees me, didn't know it was me, 
and says "I like your hat."

Then he looks at me, "Oh! It's you!"

Then we talked as his friend was looking for his ID.
His friend lives on the Quebec side
but he needed Ontario ID for some reason. 

He had his birth certificate and almost left it at a store...

Then he went to do whatever it was while we talked. 

Then we smoked a joint and I bounced.

I was saying to the guy....
About the bank that was built....
Right underneath a residential building. 

I was like "Imagine drilling through
your living room, right into a bank vault?"

The mall, itself is pretty dead.

There are some active stores in there, still, 
but it's mostly for lease...

There's been talk about tearing it down. 

It was the earliest "mall" in O-town. 

The "small malls" are getting torn down. 

There was a little mall where Buffalo Charlie's used to be.

It was Lincoln Fields.

Most people don't realize that these places
were actually named after real people.

Like Tunney's Pasture...
There was a dude with the last name Tunney.
It literally was a pasture.

Now it's a bus station. 

But Bell's Corners...
There was a Bell family. 

One of O-town's earliest cemeteries...
By Old Richmond Rd...

That's where a lot of O-town's OGs
are buried.

Holly Acres... Named after a person. 

A lot of the places and streets etc
are named after people.

This city used to be Bytown.
Named after Colonel By.

Because, before it was this "government" city
it was an army "post."

My grandparents were in the army,
that's how they met.

O-town had army barracks here.
We don't anymore, pretty sure.

Pretty sure there was a "base" 
called "uplands" by the aviation museum.

Don't think it's a "base" anymore.

Anyway, I rarely ever went over there.
A guy from school, he lived with his parents, there.

I only went there, to see him. 
And mostly, he wasn't "allowed out."

I think about the guy from time to time.
He's probably married with kids now lol.

"You still not "allowed" out?" LOL.

Anyway, that seems like at least a few lifetimes ago.

We parted ways at highschool. 
He went to the one next to our school
(where most of the "kids" were going).
I was trying to get into that "art" school
for "literary arts" ffs.

GOT REJECTED but probably was a good thing
that I didn't stay at that school... And left when I did.

I did end up going, though.
Because they had a "special support unit."

But not for the "program" I'd "applied" for.
I had to put together a "portfolio" thing
and I had an "interview"
to get into this fkn school...

I still remember the "rejection letter."

It's fkd that high schoolers
get REJECTION LETTERS
FROM A FKN HIGH SCHOOL...

A part of me wishes I never went to it.

Anyway, that's where he and I parted ways.

Thought about the guy from time to time.
Probably doesn't really remember me.
I'm okay with that.

When I think about him, 
I think about some times we had...

And I hope that he's doing "well" in his life.

I realized that going "back into my past"
hasn't exactly "served me well."

People "remember" me as who or what
they thought of me as...

NOT WHO I EVER WAS.

As sad as it is to think about, it's true.

So if they had some "idea" about me...
That's "all" I was...

All I "ever was." To them. 
Just whatever they thought of me.
That's it.

And I'm the "weird girl" always.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE
LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS
ABOUT MOST PEOPLE
I REALLY JUST...
CAN'T GET BEHIND.

It's cultural...

There are cultures within cultures. 
Like subcultures or whatever...

They GRATE MY NERVES.

The whole "iphone culture"....
Where everyone assumes EVERYONE HAS ONE...
WHO "WOULDN'T"?

"Coffee culture" isn't so bad...
Just how "particular" people can be
about "particular" things...

I told my neighbor about that bean...
It's a coffee bean that gets eaten by a creature
(I forget what animal it is)
and the creature craps them out, 
and the beans that are "processed" by the creature
are some of the most expensive "coffee beans" in the world...

I'm not THAT "into" coffee that I'd even try it LOL.
Hard pass. "No thanks."

Cr@ck culture... The drug culture...

"If you're not happy with a joint, 
what's the point?"

Still "blows my mind"
that I literally walk down the street and see rigs ffs.

It shouldn't surprise me, anymore, 
but the WTF never "wore off."

This is the CANADA that our government
THINKS IS OKAY.

If you just give them fkn "drug kits"
not much "stopping them" from doing it, right?

If they wanted to get high, they would, 
without "help" from the government.

But it's not like the cops can just be all like:
"Hey junkies! Stop being junkies!"

"Hey cr@ckheads! Stop smoking cr@ck!"

I swear... The other day someone else
was trying to sell me cr@ck ffs.

WHY DO I LOOK LIKE I'D WANT ANY?

That time my neighbor and I went to the church for supper.
On the way back...

I was surmising why anyone'd try to sell me cr@ck.
"Maybe I walk like a cr@ckhead."

He was saying: "No! You walk upright!"
Laughed so hard snot came out my nose lol. 

Then I started thinking about "citizen's arrest."

I have a pair of handcuffs lol...
From when I had that damn "handcuff test" at school.
I got something crazy low like 12/40 lol.

Didn't pass. Still have the cuffs, though. 

Wasn't like I was practicing making arrests.
I was more changing diapers and making bottles.

I've thought about "going back to school"
but what would I take? I'm 41 ffs.

The kids would be my son's age lol. 

I was going to say "live vicariously" through them...
But that's pretty much been my life...
Living "vicariously" through everyone.
All the time.

Until I "settled" for "whatever this is."
And then it became "a comfort zone" thing. 

Sometimes I "hope" for "something good"
that "comes around" to...
Take my mind off other stuff...

Hard to explain that, but I sometimes hope for that.

Because I've had enough of "older guys"
asking me if I want to have s3x ffs.

I've had enough "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Can only be so many "reasons" they'd want to know?

Because it's probably rude to ask:
"Are you fking anyone?"

WHICH IS NOBODY'S BUSINESS.

But there has to be some reason they want to know, right?

To see if they can "sneak past" my guard or something.
If I hang around long enough...
And be nice to her....
Maybe she'll wanna have s3x LOL. Da fuq?

If you thought you hardly saw me
BEFORE YOU ASKED ME
IF I WANT TO HAVE S3X...
WATCH HOW "OFTEN" YOU SEE ME
AFTER YOU ASK ME...

Like... If I didn't "respond" to any "advances"
PROBABLY BECAUSE I AM NOT INTERESTED...

Then, chances are... I'm not interested.
SO WHY FKN ASK ME?
TO MAKE ABSOLUTE SURE?
JUST IN CASE?

DA FUQ?

And knowing they asked because THEY WANTED TO
THEN IT GETS YA THINKING:
WAS HE JUST BEING NICE TO ME
BECAUSE HE WANTED TO FK ME?

Then it makes ya think twice about everything.

And then you start asking yourself:
Was letting him be nice to me
somehow leading him on?

Because I always thought that I was
just letting people be nice to me.

While the whole time they were thinking...
If I keep being nice to her, she'll wanna...

It's fkd up.
Just wanting to be treated like a person. 

And getting all that BS...

If another guy old enough to be my father
ASKS ME IF I WANT TO HAVE S3X
I THINK I'LL CRAWL UNDER A ROCK
FOREVER LOL.

"Had to ask."
Actually, no. You didn't HAVE TO.

NOW THINGS ARE AWKWEIRD.

BECAUSE I KNOW YOU THUNK OF ME
LIKE THAT...

N@KED. *SHUDDER*

MAKES ME WANNA WEAR LIKE TEN LAYERS
OF CLOTHING...

AND I'D STILL FEEL "EXPOSED."
DON'T LIKE THAT FEELING. 

I'll try to "act" like he didn't ask me.
At least he didn't try to kiss me or something...
That'd have been worse.

But I try to be "nice" about it
and try to "pretend" like they never did that.

BUT NOTHING'S THE SAME AFTER THAT.

Supposedly, I'm supposed to have "needs."

Here's the thing... People who can "get themselves off"
don't actually "need" someone to "get them off."

Only sometimes do I even "entertain"
the "thought" of "being with" someone.

And when I do...
I remember all the BS....

And the "thought" turns me "off."

And I could have given the dude a heart attack lol.

It's happened to people...
Where they died during s3x.

Crazy, but it happens.

Not sure how my heart would handle it, actually.

It's not like I do much "cardio" anymore lol. 

When I was... I was losing too much weight. 

Now, I lose weight no matter what lol. 

"Fart and lose a pound."

Anyway, it's not like s3x is mega important to me.
Maybe it'd be nice once in a while, 
but with someone my own age ffs.

Grampa losing his teeth: "Wanna have s3x?" Da fuq?

I say: "No thanks." And he can barely hear me
past his ear hair...

The one guy I'd even consider it with...
Isn't speaking to me anymore.

Was a long shot, anyway. 
Probably one of the longest shots in the world.

Doesn't matter, now.

Maybe was reminiscing a little bit... Sigh.
Did I mention it was a long shot?

"Had" whatever that was, I guess.
If I can even call it "that."

But, being HONEST AF....
I'M TOO FKD UP FOR SOMEONE LIKE HIM...

AND... HE DESERVES BETTER.

Regardless of it having been a long shot...
Regardless of... Everything. 

All I want, for him, is just for him to be good with his life.

Not a lot to want, right?

It feels like I never "got to" "want" anything in my life.
Even if it was something really fkn small, 
and wouldn't have mattered
if I could have just had a small thing...

So I didn't really let myself "want" much.
If everything was going to be NO, why?
Just to hear NO a billion times more?

Took me forever to give myself "permission"
to just go "do something" for myself....

Like "Go outside and play!"
No more "forms" to fill out and fax to "the office"
about wanting to go outside...

I'm only a "prisoner" here if I make myself one.

But I'm going to probably sneak out the back door more.
People tend to hang around out the front of the building. 

I don't want to feel obligated to talk to everyone
every time I go outside.

And them asking me why they haven't seen me
for x number of days etc.

Because I like "keeping to myself."
Sure, I'll take breaks here and there and say hi...

But, I'm not around to "hang around"
when I have things I want to do. 

Things that don't involve anyone.

Because it could actually become something. 
Highly unlikely, but it "could."
A lot of things "could" happen. 

I "could" get married one day LOLOLOLOLOL.
I "could" become "rich."

I still wouldn't want to be "famous" though.
FUQ DAT.

NOBODY'D LET ME FART IN PEACE LOL.

But seriously, things "famous" people "deal with."
THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE
WITH REAL LIVES.

Y'know. Maybe want some kind of "privacy"?

But privacy? In public, you don't have any.

Like my friend R... We used to work together...
Anyway, he told me he and his girlfriend (at the time)
were making out in a park, 
and there was a dude WATCHING THEM, 
PULLING IT FFS.

I laughed at the thought of it, 
but seriously...
IT'D BE LIKE THAT EVERYWHERE YOU WENT
IF YOU WERE FAMOUS.

PEOPLE WATCHING YOU ALL THE FKN TIME!

FUQ DAT.

I think the guy next door is playing his game again...
I had to check the time and turn my music down. 

It's like 3am...

I don't have it cranked...

Cranked, to me, is 2 bars...
It's on one bar...

I don't think I've ever had it at 3.

I've had that stereo since I was 15.

My stepfather was like "you still have that? It still works?
What speakers?"

He gave it to me. I was going to give him $50
for the whole thing and he gave it to me.

I've had this "set up" since I was 15.

I listen to "tunes" every day. 

I guess I'm "past" the "tarot" thing I was in...

That was the only thing I was doing...
Brooding and watching tarot...

To the point I "couldn't" see
what was right in front of me.

I was so stuck on one thing that I had a hard time
thinking about other things. 

Now, that's an example of how
I don't ever want to feel, ever again. 

So... It's been me and MUSIC
and idgaf who likes it and doesn't.

Because I'm not BLASTING TF OUT OF IT.

AND OTHERWISE, I'VE BEEN FAIRLY QUIET.

AND IF ANYONE HAS ANY ISSUE
WITH ME
THEY BETTER FKN BRING IT.

The only times I crank it is during the day
if the beat is hitting.

Like the old school PUMP UP THE JAM.

The other day!!!! I don't know if I wrote about it yet,
but I was passing a place... A bar..

And it was "country night" lol.
I peeked in the doorway and it looked like...
ALBERTA DURING THE STAMPEDE LOL.

The guys in the "hats" etc.
Like full out line dancing etc.

I'd go just to watch lol.

I've finished my latest hat.
It's a fedora lol.

It's mostly for the brim
to keep the sun outta my eyes.

I'm planning on getting "shades."
I've seen some I'd like to get.

I'm trying to do the "responsible thing."
Waiting for my "bills" to clear
before I do fkn anything. 

And when I do, it still won't be much. 

But going out, walking, getting fresh-ish air
is free!

I see places I'd love to go, if I could...

There was a pub I really wanted to go to...
Now it's fkn closed. 

A lot of places I wanted to go to...
They closed.

Thought I'd still have time... But nope!

I see some places I'd like to go this summer.

Living in a city your whole life...
And tending to stay
at whatever end of the city you lived in...

I don't "get out" much, still. 

Now that I have all kinds of "freedom"
to do all kinds of stuff...

Now that I "forget" all the places I wanted to go lol. 

Because it's not a huge priority if I can go or can't. 

Sure, if I miss out, I miss out.

I don't have FOMO.

People who have FOMO
are scared that they WILL MISS OUT.

MISSING OUT ON WHAT, THOUGH?
ANYTHING?

A HANGOVER?
AN STD? 
MISSING OUT ON WHAT, THOUGH? LOL.

Maybe certain things I dgaf if I miss.
BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T WORTH
WHATEVER DEAL
SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO MAKE IT
OUT TO BE.

Like I don't have to be a cr@ckhead
to know I'm not missing out.

I could have been one, but nope.

"If you're not happy with a joint, what's the point?"

In a country where pot's legal...

M3th may as well be, too ffs.
And whatever drugs the kits are for...
And the noxolone is for...

We might get to the point we're sending
"noxolone" birthday cards to each other ffs.

Probably didn't spell it right, but dgaf.
It's that spray that saves people from overd0sing. 

The fact that we even need that sh*t says something. 
ABOUT THE STATE OF CANADA.

SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT NEEDS
TO BE DONE.

NO REVOLVING DOOR SH*T.

My neighbor put it like this....
He said that in some countries, 
if someone gets caught stealing, 
they lose the hand that stole.
If they get caught a second time, stealing, 
they lose their head.

You'd think most people would think twice
about stealing if there were severe consequences like that.

But, here... They get like 3 months in jail, 
and right back at it, again.

Someone was saying...
Everywhere's full.

The jails are full, the hospitals are full...
"City housing" is full.

There's a day called Bandit Day
after a robber robbed a bank
and was throwing money in the air saying
"Merry Christmas!"

Depends where you are, in the world, I guess.

But most people are pretty steamed
when someone takes something
that belongs to them...

Like when I had my guitar stolen...

I got it back, but yeah...
I was very displeased. 

Anyway, I guess it'd been a while
since I wrote anything. 

Nothing that "noteworthy" to write about.

Unless more wtf bs happens...
There's always a lot of that going on...

It's almost as though as soon as I leave the house, though.
If I make it to the corner, or past the corner
WITHOUT GETTING ASKED
IF I WANT TO BUY CR@CK...

THEN, THAT DAY IS ONLY SLIGHTLY WTF.

Anyway, I've got this stuff to work on,
good night ya bunch of hosers!