Registered Letters

I went out to grab a few things. 
Not like I can get a lot of anything...

Anyway, I called the insurance company today. 
Because it bounced twice. 

So they're taking out a payment from last month. 
And the NSF charges or whatever, 
then a payment for this month...

And another bill to catch up on. 
You get screwed a couple of months in a row...
Money that was supposed to go to bills...

Then catching up is a PITA (pain in the @ss).

So, that sh00ting yesterday, that guy
who got sh0t by a cop, didn't die.

I didn't know any details when I wrote about it
in the last post...

But the part about seeing rigs on the fkn sidewalk....
I saw one, today. 

I saw the "purple band" and the rig wasn't that far away.

Those "purple bands" are to "tie off."

And they get this sh*t for FREE from "city programs" ffs.

Literally a "free drug kit"

AND THE LIBS GOT IN AGAIN?
WHAT'LL BE NEXT?

It's so fkn bad that addicts are stealing food
from the grocery store to bring to their dealers
for drugs ffs.

Not even kidding. 

That time that a "tweaker" came by
with stuff he stole. 
Sold it all for $5.

Ice cream, sandwiches, a bottle of liquor, 
two cans of ravioli, something else, too. 

Cops aren't concerned with the dude who stole a $12 chicken. 

Still don't know why the cops were here all day yesterday.
It had to be something big. 

For them to bring out the "unmarked" cars...
And for them to be here all day. 

My guess is it has to do with drugs. 

Of course, I could be wrong. 
I'm often wrong. 
And I have no problem admitting it when I'm wrong. 

I don't "have to be right" "no matter what."
Why fkn be like that?
Just to be a PITA?

All I can say is I have to be extremely careful
until those payments go through. 

Only one thing I need to do...
And that's it.

I don't have a problem "being broke."

ANYONE SCARED OF BEING "BROKE"
HAS NEVER BEEN "BROKE" BEFORE.

It sucks. Yeah. 
But I survived. 
Barely, but that's how it has been. 

But I dgaf. So why be "scared"? LOL.

Nothing "new" to me.

To see something "that'd be nice to purchase"
And have to make a "mental note" about it
for "another time."

When my son was little and he wanted me to buy something. 
He was content with "maybe next time."

Until he got older and was like "you said next time."

But he accepted "maybe next time"
and he never made any fuss about it, ever.

He was content with "the possibility of getting it"
and most of the time, we'd both forget about it.

He got used to being told "no" when he was very little.

When he was "getting into something"
when I couldn't jut across the room
to "stop" him from doing something...

I'd "clap" just to get his attention
and when he looked right at me, 
I'd say "no."

And he'd cry because he knew no meant no.

A neighbor heard me "clap" and heard him "cry"
shortly after that...

Thought I was hitting him ffs.

I had to "explain" the actuality.
Bugged me to do it, 

but... It was the only thing that "worked."

The "clap" to get his attention. 
The "no." When his attention was on me.
The "cry" because no means no.

And no often meant "stop that."

And stop getting into something
that he really wanted to get into...

But mom said "no."
Whaaaaa!

I did that because it worked with my cat, too. 

But... People get "ideas" in their heads.
When they "hear" something they can't "see."

Anyway, he was a good little kid...
For the most part. 

Got into some stuff, but nothing major.

Also, he slept through the night from 3 months old. 
It was concerning because I woke up, at night, 
to feed him, but he didn't want to wake up to eat.

So I called his father and he said
that if he gets hungry, he'll wake up, and let me know lol. 

He slept in the same room as his father.
I had to sleep in another room
because my son was terrified of my snoring. 


Sometimes I wonder if a dude gets a "s3x change"
if they ever end up getting a "period."

I'm thinking they still wouldn't
because they probably wouldn't have a uterus. 

And then I wonder
why I wonder about stuff like that.
It doesn't actually matter.

I guess it would be the only way they'd "know"
what that's like, but they probably still wouldn't. 

They can "give someone a v@g1n@,"
but they probably can't "reproduce"
the "reproduction system."

It'd be freaky if they could. 
Maybe in the future, but it's kinda cringe
to think about.

I mean, if someone wants a v@g1n@ that bad....
They can have one, I guess...

But they aren't all they are "cracked up to be."

Even "breasts."

Breasts can get "lumps."

The first one... I was "scared"
that it was "worse" than it was.

I had to get my boobs squished
in a "machine" that takes "pictures"
of boobs.

It's kind of like a "sonogram" or something.
Not an xray.

Because they wanted to look at the "tissue" of my boobs.

They said that since they didn't "appear to be growing"
that the "lumps" are "cysts."
Which is better "news" than what I "feared."

Just saying that boobs aren't all that GREAT to have, either.

So why anyone would want to "transition" I don't know.

I worked with a guy who told me...

"Before you hear about me from anyone else..."
I hadn't heard anything about him. 

He told me he used to be a female. 

Nothing against that guy. 

The only thing I was curious about
was how he could "pee" standing up.

He laughed and said there's a "thing"
Like a funnel thing...

I wouldn't have ever guessed he used to be a female.
And if anyone had told me, 
I probably wouldn't have believed them. 

To me, he was who he introduced himself as.
A co-worker.
Didn't matter to me that he "transitioned."

I left the company because it's a sh*tty company. 
The booking sucked @ss.

Double booked me with a guy more than once.
P*ssed me off because those shifts
were "holiday pay."

Anyway, I'm glad I don't work for that BS company anymore.

Was just saying that I never had a "problem"
with anyone wanting to "transition."

Just it's not all it's "cracked up to be" being a female.

Just being a female... The things I've "dealt" with
are freaking insane. 

I'd like to just be treated AS A PERSON. 
Why should I be "objectified" or whatever?
Am I doing that? No?
THEN WHY FKN DO IT TO ME?

My neighbor who kept "hinting"
and making "comments" hasn't been around lately.

I'm thinking it has to do with that female who moved in recently.

Which is fine. I don't need or want anyone "up my @ss."
Especially when I have "stuff to do."

Stuff I can't even really talk about or explain
because most people don't know wtf I do.

And they'd rather just talk about the drama going on...

I don't want to "k1ll time" unless I'm waiting in line.
Or something like that.

I'd rather stay up all night...
Every night, for weeks...

To "build something" on my terms...

I'd rather set something up
that could pay more than I had hoped. 

In the future. It'd be nice if it did, at all...

My brother said he "made affiliate"
for a video game streaming thing.

I've not been much into "games"
except the retro games I played when I was a kid. 

The neighbors had "consoles" before my brothers and I did.
Back then, my youngest brother was too young
for video games...

But I recall playing video games at neighbors' homes.
I remember my first time playing Sonic the hedgehog. 

I remember my first time playing super mario bros.

There was a kid on my "block" we used to go to his place
to play "cars" because he had a tree
in front of his house, and we'd dig "ditches" and "roads"
for the "cars."

My brother had a "plastic pumpkin" the ones
that were like a "basket" to hold Halloween candy in...

He had one of those FULL of "cars"
And he was too "little" to play with the guys my age.

I was like 8 and my brother was 4 lol.

Anyway, I remember when he got a nintendo
because he was all excited about it
and asked me if I wanted to try it lol. 

That was the first time I played it, ever.

I remember that guy had two rotties.
And someone threw a beer bottle through
the front window of his house.

I forget why.

I only remember some things about living
in H-Block. 

That's what they call it, now lol.

Anyway, there was a huge fight.
My neighbor's mom had an affair
with another neighbor's dad...

HUGE CAT FIGHT.
HAIR PULLING ETC.

Why fight over a guy?
He knew what he was doing.
So why blame her?

WAS HIS CHOICE.
AND SINCE HE WANTED TO MAKE THAT CHOICE, 
HE SHOULD HAVE THE "RESULTS" OF THAT CHOICE.

Anyway, that's why my neighbor moved. 
I missed him so much!

I thought about looking for the guy.
To see if he remembered me.
He was so chill...

We used to hang out all the time.
Climbed trees etc.

He taught me how to "do the voice."
I taught my brother.

My brother wanted to know how I did it.
He was the only one who asked me.

It mostly creeped people out.

When I was much younger...
I used to look kinda like Linda Blair
when she was in The Exorcist...

My stepfather's friend...
He was coming up from the basement...

I don't remember why he was coming up the stairs
from the basement...

But I said something in "the voice."
He didn't know I can do "the voice"
so he legit got scared and almost fell down the stairs lol. 

He'd get drunk and couldn't ride his bike home lol. 
It was "entertaining" watching him "try."

And another guy crashed out
in the dog house my stepfather built for the dog lol. 

Both of those guys are dead.
Crazy to think about that.

But they were like my age, maybe younger
when I was like 12...

My neighbor next to me...
He keeps "banging" against the way.
It shakes the wall. 

We haven't had any "contact" yet.

I saw him only once.
We were both on the balcony at the same time.
I was kinda startled
because I wasn't expecting to see him, I guess.
And didn't stop to "talk"
because I needed to use the washroom. 

He's into "gaming." Like "hardcore" into it.

The neighbor who comes up to see me
and to "smoke one" with me....

He told me that his sister is "hardcore" into baseball. 

And baseball... A single game
can last hours.

Depending on how many innings. 

So he came up here to take a break from baseball. 

All we do is listen to music, smoke, and talk. 
That's it.

He hasn't called or anything for a while. 
Since I saw him with that female lol. 

Not that I gaf. I don't. 

Just noticed. That's all.
He has my number. He knows where I live lol.

But he also knows I'm working on this "project"
and that I really want to "turn it into something."

And that I don't need or want a billion "distractions."
So he's been good about it, lately.

And if he wants to be up her @ss, he can be my guest LOL.

Anyway, if I had a boyfriend, he wouldn't have "bothered" at all LOL.
He pretty much said that.

And that's why he asked me if I had a boyfriend. 

If I had a boyfriend, pretty sure people'd know.

But, I don't want the "stress"
of "trust issues" or whatever.

Getting accused of doing sh*t I wouldn't do
AS THOUGH I'D DO THAT SH*T...

AND THEN GET ACCUSED OF LYING ABOUT IT...

NO THANKS.

And all kinds of other sh*t. 

Sure, if a guy gets cheated on...
There might be something
in the back of his mind
that might "make" him think xyz
about me.

BUT IF HE HAD TAKEN THE TIME
TO "GET" WHAT KIND OF PERSON I AM, 
COMPARED TO HOW I "ONCE WAS"
HE'D KNOW.

HE'D KNOW THAT IF I CHOSE
TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE....

THAT'S ME, GIVING HIM A CHANCE.

And am I tired of giving chances to guys
WHO RUIN IT?
FOR THE BOTH OF US?

YEAH. So maybe I don't give out
CHANCES LIKE FKN CANDIES ANYMORE.

But yeah... Been tired of a lot of BS.

Being single let's me have my "freedom"
of not having to "explain" everything about myself. 

"Where are you going?"
Don't have to explain or tell anyone...

When I dated a guy...
A WEEK INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP...
I GOT INVITED TO A PARTY.
I WANTED TO GO.
HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO.
SO I DIDN'T.

BUT HE COULD HAVE COME WITH ME.
Y'KNOW?

And the rest of our relationship was like that.
ME WANTING TO DO THINGS, 
AND GO PLACES...
AND NOT DOING ANYTHING
OR GOING ANYWHERE
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO.

AND IF I STAYED WITH THE GUY
I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN TO GO OUT. 

I HAD ALL KINDS OF "FREEDOM"
AFTER HE AND I BROKE UP
AND HE DIDN'T LIKE IT
AND HE DIDN'T LIKE
THAT HE HAD NO SAY IN IT.

But I don't like that sh*t.

If I want to go out, for a walk, at night, 
or whenever, I can just go do it.

Without almost "asking permission."
And I actually did "ask for permission."

Because I got "programmed" to do it.

When I was "in there" I had to
fill out a form that had to get faxed
to the main office
for "permission" to take a walk. FFS.

And if I got "denied" I had to stay
in the fkn group "home"
like a fkn "prisoner."

When I turned 16, I could "leave"
and I did!

They wanted me to become a ward of the crown...
"Crown ward" they call it.

Which meant having to stay until I turned 18.
What could my life have looked like had I stayed until I was 18?
I try not to think about it.

I don't live far from the rooming house that was my "first place."
I don't "go there" because that part of my life is "over."
It's like a closed chapter.

But to go from there, to where I am, now...
Having my own "kitchen" and bathroom...

Even a balcony lol.

The laundromat that I used to go to...
They turned it into a "coffee shop"/laundromat...

I guess so people can stay and buy something
while they wait for their laundry...

When I lived in the rooming house, 
there were no "laundry facilities."

Most of the time, I forget how close I am
to "china town."

But something was happening at the stadium the other day
because the lights were on...
Can see them from here...

Some games... They even play in the rain. 
Like soccer and football. 

We have a football team...
They don't get as much of a mention
as our hockey team... 

We beat the Leafs...

Someone was saying that had the Leafs won, 
they would have won the "series."

I don't know for sure.

The "play-offs" are worth watching...

Just... I guess I stopped watching
when we were like 1 game away...

And we lost to the penguins that year...

Anyway... We'll finially win the cup...
Eventually...

All the losses we took...
They were building up to our win.

That's how I'm trying to look at my setbacks. 

Took so many "hits" and "losses"
especially the last few months...

Whatever "wins" I get to "have"
are going to "feel" and "be"
ALL THAT MUCH SWEETER.

That saying:
"There's never a run of luck (good or bad)
that doesn't run out."

I guess that and HOPE has been keeping me "going."

OR I WOULD HAVE LOST MY "SANITY"
A LONG FKN TIME AGO!

Sometimes "hope" doesn't seem to be "enough."

When I got back, I saw a notice of "delivery" with my name on it.
I wasn't expecting any "deliveries" so I didn't know
what that was supposed to be...

I called them, they said my "package" was waiting
for me to come "pick it up."

So I went all the way over there, to pick it up.
Hoping it'd be something good lol. 

All it was... Was a "registered letter"
from the insurance company
saying to "take action now"
before "your policy gets cancelled."

I literally got off the phone with them
before I even went anywhere!

Because they sent me a letter about it
in the regular mail. 

So they have to take their money out...
Before I can juggle the rest of it...

Probably going picking more than usual. 
It adds up.

Whatever.

When I get "caught up" with stuff...
It won't be so bad.

The last two months...

And this month hasn't even started yet
and it's not looking that great, yet.

Doesn't mean I can't "get lucky" y'know.

Because I might. 
Can't "count on it,"
but... 

Something I keep trying to tell myself
is that good surprises can happen, too. 

Not all surprises have to be "bad."
Good stuff can happen, too. 

Sometimes it's "few and far between"
but when something GOOD happens, 
it feels that much sweeter.

If that makes sense.

But then there are times
I THOUGHT SOMETHING WOULD BE GOOD, 
BUT IT TURNED OUT... NOT TO BE.

So I kinda don't want to get my "hopes up."

Well, there's a difference between getting your "hopes up"
while being "realistic"
and getting your "hopes up" too high. 

Like having expectations
and having too high of expectations...

Something like that.

It's okay to "expect something."
But expecting "too much"...

Setting yourself up for "disappointment."

Like all the times I was "expected" to be xyz
by whoever I was dating...

THEN THEY REALIZE
THAT I'M NOT FKN PERFECT.

Like one guy who wanted me to dye my hair black.
Because he likes Italian girls LOL.

Why should I be "expected" to just do that?
Nope. F*ck that.

Should I change EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF
TO BE "THE PERFECT XYZ"?

Nope. Just nope.

Sh*t like that bugs tf out of me.

AND IF I HAD DONE IT, 
IT STILL WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN "GOOD ENOUGH."
BECAUSE *I* WASN'T "GOOD ENOUGH."

OR IT WOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED
WHAT COLOR MY FKN HAIR WAS.

Kinda how one of my friends...
He thinks going to the gym 
is going to "make" him more "attractive."

HIS PROBLEM IS HE THINKS HE KNOWS
EVERYTHING
AND DOESN'T LISTEN. 

Sure, there are many "attractive" guys...
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO HAVING
COMMON SENSE...
THEY LACK SO MUCH!
AND THAT SEVERE LACK
....
IS UNATTRACTIVE.

No matter how many times they
"go to the gym."

Brauns mean nothing if there are no brains.

IF THEY CAN'T SAY TO THEMSELVES:
"INSTEAD OF TELLING A*** WHAT
I THINK SHE SHOULD DO...
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST LISTEN TO HER
FOR A CHANGE."

If they can't say that to themselves...
There is no point.

TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION
WITH A TW@T
THAT'S HELL-BENT
ON BEING A TW@T
EVEN WHEN THEY NEVER HAD TO BE ONE...

IS POINTLESS.
A WASTE OF TIME, ENERGY, PERIOD. 

So I keep a lot of sh*t to myself.
TW@TS WON'T "HEAR" ANYTHING YOU SAY. 
THEY JUST WANT TO ACT LIKE TW@TS.

SO WHY WASTE MY TIME?
THAT'S ALL I'D BE DOING!

I learned from what? Wasting my time!

Time's not just money...
It's something you can't get back.

So why waste it? For kicks?
For broken mirrors and thermoses of p*ss?
For concussions?
For insults?
For ignorance?

Is anything "attractive" about any of that?
No? Well there you have it.

Act like a tw@t... You'll get looked at as one.

And I dgaf if that makes me seem like a "b*tch."

I'd be "that b*tch" who refuses to waste her time.
On tw@ts or anything else.

TOO MUCH OF THAT SH*T...
GOT ME WHERE? ANYWHERE?
Nowhere? That's why!

That's why I don't want to be "with"
anyone anymore. 

Because either I couldn't even be "mad"
about ANYTHING THAT WOULD P*SS THEM OFF...

AND SAYING "SORRY" WAS JUST TO GET ME
TO "STOP TALKING ABOUT IT."

NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE ACTUALLY SORRY.

IF THEY'D CONSIDERED ME, AT ALL, 
MAYBE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE PROCEEDED
TO WASTE MY TIME.

I think that what gets me "the most."
Is feeling like I'm "wasting time."

BECAUSE I CAN'T GET IT BACK.

I CAN'T GET THE LAST 6 YEARS OF BS BACK.
SO WHY WOULD I WANT 6 MORE?

JUST TO "NOT BE GOOD ENOUGH"
TO BE "TREATED LIKE I FKN MATTER" ?

F*CK THAT.

A "girl" gets tired of that BS.
Would rather BE ALONE 
THAN EVER "DEAL" WITH BS EVER AGAIN.

NEVER SHOULD HAVE EVER
"DEALT WITH IT."

SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN "EXPECTED TO."

But when you get taken for granted your whole life
PEOPLE EXPECT YOU TO "DEAL WITH"
WAYYYY TOO MUCH SH*T.

ANY sh*t is wayyy too much sh*t.

All I can say is that IF I EVER choose
to be with someone...

He'd have to be SECURE.
And I'm not talking finances
BECAUSE I'D RATHER HAVE MY OWN
THAN "HAVE TO" "RELY"
ON ANYONE.

And IF I was "with them"
It'd be wayyy more than
any BS "reason"
to be with someone.

Because, frankly, 
I enjoy my newfound "peace" too much
TO EVER BE "DOWN"
FOR ANYTHING
THAT I'D HAVE TO "SACRIFICE" THAT FOR.

I'm talking secure as in not having to be up my @ss.
ENOUGH TO LISTEN
AND ADMIT TO BEING WRONG.
ENOUGH NOT TO BE A TW@T.

Like very basic things are a breath of fresh air.
AND IT SHOULDN'T BE.

Because BASIC THINGS...
ARE WHAT?
BASIC THINGS!

And nobody wants "to hear it" from me.

But I shouldn't have to shrink myself
or disrespect myself
BY GIVING TOO MANY CHANCES.

WHEN YOU DO IT...
THEY TAKE ALL THOSE CHANCES FOR GRANTED
AND TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED
AS A PERSON
NOT ONLY A "POTENTIAL PARTNER."

Toss that tf out the window
and let it get sucked up
by a jet engine.

Or... Fk that sideways with a surfboard...

Whichever you prefer.

The guy next door is into gaming. 
He gets pretty loud at night.
I just play my music.
All day, all night.

I turn it tf down to lowest at night.
Just loud enough to barely hear it at all.

Kinda bugs me they play the same songs
OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

LIKE HOW MANY TIMES
DOES ANYONE WANT TO HEAR
"LAST GIRLS AT THE PARTY"?

I take a break from the radio to listen to my cassettes.
I "cycle" through the "best of" what I've got. 

At least one song on each cassette I actually like. 
And the "audio" quality is different.

Different hearing it "in stereo" hard to explain
why cassettes have a different "sound."

At least they do, to me.

The "modern day" "Life of Brian"
is that dude down the hall getting his door booted lol.

As far as I know, since then, nothing of "note"
has happened on this floor.

Can't say we've been cop-free though lol. 

I can tell when they are here.
All I have to do is look down.

The cruisers have the squad car #
on the roof of the cruiser. 

I guess they are more like "tactical vehicles" now.
Not really cars anymore. 

There used to be "beatle" sized cop cars LOL.
How could you take the cops seriously
rolling down the street in one of those?

The guy next door... He has a "tantrum"
about his game and gets pretty loud about it.

I know the guy who lives underneath him. 
He's said more than a few times he's displeased
with the guy's BS.

Not in those exact words. I cleaned it up. A lot. 
But that's the gist of it.

So he can't say shit that I'm playing music all the time, 
because I turn the volume down at night...

And it's mostly to "drown out" all kinds of BS.

Just to be in my "own zone."
If that makes sense. 

Anyway, when he knew I lived on the floor
above his he wanted to know
if it was me right above him.

It's the guy next to me that's above him. 

But it's kinda "late" to be having "tantrums"

TELL THAT TO THE CHICK WHO WAS
LITERALLY WARNED THAT IF SHE CAME BACK
AT ALL THAT NIGHT
THAT SHE WOULD GET ARRESTED.

AND CAME BACK, TO BE ARRESTED ANYWAY...
AFTER *JUST* GETTING ARRESTED
THE DAY BEFORE.

And the guy getting his door booted
for refusing to open it.

And whoever took a crap in the elevator
that day I got stuck in it...

AFTER I got stuck in it, but still...

Imagine? You're stuck in an elevator
SOMEONE TOOK A HUGE CRAP IN
JUST BEFORE YOU GET INTO IT...

AND THE DOOR REFUSES TO OPEN...
SO YOU'RE STUCK...

Farts in the elevator should be a crime against humanity.
But full blown craps?! Da fuq? 

One time, a friend was visiting me.
He used to live in the same building as me.

He remembers me as a much younger version of myself. 
I remember him as a much younger version of himself. 

Plus, I worked with his Grandfather, and his father...

His father's older than me. We worked together.

He was "amazed" that I kept his "surprise party" a secret
the whole time we worked together and I knew about it
and didn't say anything.

Why would I? It was supposed to be a surprise. 

I even kept it a surprise until the end.

Because he had set me up with his friend, 
on a blind date kind of thing...

and we had a "double date" with him and his girlfriend.
The night of the party.
We all had dinner together.

And he was like "Why don't you two come back to my place?"
And I had to lie and say we "had plans"
so I could sneak down to the "lockers" in the mall...
The mall doesn't have them anymore...

Anyway, I'd gotten him a present. 
An eggplant. 

I thought it'd be funny af.
I even wrote a "recipe" in the card
in case he wanted to eat it lol. 

Because when we were working...
And I didn't know wtf to get for him
for his birthday...

Because his friend invited me to go as his date
to his surprise party...

So I asked him: "Have you ever tried eggplant before?"
He said no so I thought it'd be funny
to get him one as a birthday present lol.

So his friend and I arrived after the big "surprise!" part
because I snuck down to get his "present"
and we left after they did.

But he was like "You knew the whole time?!"

I can keep a surprise a surprise.
BECAUSE A SURPRISE
IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE.

When my brother was younger....
My mom took him shopping with her
to get my Christmas present
and it was something I really wanted...

And my brother couldn't contain himself!
He told me as soon as they got home.

My neighbor just called. He's coming up to visit

-------------------------------

Well, he'd been drinking and flat out asked me
if I wanted to have s3x.
Of course I don't!
What part about "you're the same age as my mother"
and "old enough to be my father"
didn't "clue him in"?

He said he HAD TO ask. 
No, he wanted to ask. 

Otherwise, WHY ASK?

Made the excuse that he's "a male"
and I'm "a female"
So? 
Doesn't "make" me "magically attracted"
to someone 20 years older than me.
Just because that's what HE wanted.
Or why ask me?

I told him that I'm disappointed
that he'd ask me that.

Being "female" doesn't mean
I'm like some "fair game" "thing."

How is it my problem
if someone likes s3x but doesn't get any?

Just because I happen to be "female" Da fuq?

That's what it's like being a female.

And if you do "anything" with one...
It's like some stupid "bro code" sh*t
for details or I don't know...

BUT THAT'S GROSS.
DUDES BETTER STOP THAT SH*T.

WAY TO PERMA-C0CKBL0CK YOURSELVES!

PCB - PERMA-C0CKBL0CK.

Chicks can have their "girl code" stuff, too.

Just I couldn't be fkn bothered. 

I just let people talk. 
They do! They will!

But now I know that something
that was supposed to be private
wasn't kept private
and I don't like that.

A lot that was supposed to be private
wasn't "private"

like that female "stalking" me
and "threatening" me.

Reading my messages to "interfere"
and it was all very petty and childish.

Still bugs me, but there was zero loss for me.
If he could have just listened... 

BUT NOPE!

Do I have the time for people
who NEED TO BE TOLD THINGS
THEY SHOULDN'T NEED TO BE TOLD?

And even when I told him, right to his face...
I was the "bad" one
because he'll believe everyone over me.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW ME
AND NEVER WANTED TO SEE HIM
WITH ME
TO BEGIN WITH.

BUT WHY BE WITH A TW@T?

So why bother anymore?
For more of that garbage?

They got what they all wanted.
TO KEEP US SEPARATED.

BUT HE NEVER HELPED HIMSELF.
HE WENT AGAINST HIMSELF

FOR GIVING HIMSELF
REASONS
TO BE A TW@T.

And tell me.... After that...
WHY THE WOULD I EVEN WANT TO BOTHER?

JUST SO OLD MEN STOP ASKING ME
IF I WANT TO HAVE S3X?

BECAUSE WHY WOULD THEY ASK
SOMEONE'S WIFE TO?

CORRECT?
THEY'D HOPEFULLY KNOW BETTER THAN THAT!

But all that really gross forwardness stuff...
IT TURNS ME RIGHT OFF.

AND I JUST TOLD THE GUY
I WANTED TO BE SEEN AS A PERSON
NOT JUST SOME FEMALE TO
WANT TO HAVE S3X WITH.

LIKE DA FUQ?

I guess he needed a straight and complete NO.
And "No" is a full sentence. 
No explanation needed
because no is just no!

But the fact that he'd want to ask...
Because he never HAD TO.

After dodging advances...

WHY MAKE SH*T AWKWEIRD?

Not just awkward...
But so awkward that it gets weird.

Even as awkweird as I can be...
I know there's a level of awkweird
that's too awkweird.

And I would have said something
had I been interested LONG BEFORE NOW.

He thought I was mad at him. 
Because I haven't been around.

I've been working on my site.

Doing stuff in "my own zone"
Stuff that doesn't involve anyone lol.

But yeah... About making stuff awkward like that...
Just... Don't... Do... That.

I've had to learn. 
And I've stepped back, a lot, from other people.

Still probably socially "inept"
but at least I know that there's a level
of "too much - don't go there."

I WISH EVERYONE KNEW IT.
AND NEVER EVEN REACHED IT
LET ALONE EXCEEDED IT...

Anyway... Trying not to think about the next 10 years...

I mean, in terms of politics. 

The last 9 years...
And they could have done a myriad of things
they didn't do.
Because they could have.

Now we're walking down the street seeing rigs
on the pavement
like it's not even there
or that's just "normal now"
DA FUQ?

It's not like they can "control"
people's choices...

Addicts are still going to be addicts
until they are ex-addicts.

It's that they could stop putting the sh*t
in their hands making it just
"okay" to do it.

The reason why the cops were here...
Was because a female in the building died 
of an 0verd0se.

I knew it definitely wasn't a "domestic."

I told the guy "anyone's like 1 hit away from DEATH."

The people selling the sh*t
do not gaf about who's buying it.

There was a wild video I saw
where a cop... He was on duty...
Had his full gear on...

He'd gone into a bathroom stall
to "blast" something.

It was like m3th or something.

Anyway, he had 0verd0sed.

They caught him in time.

Obviously, they were all trained.
But if his partner hadn't been all like...
Da fuq? What's taking him so long?
And found him....

He'd had been toast.

That's part of the reason I have that OD kit thing...
In my bag...
I hope I never have to use it,
but if I do, I have it.

The other part is that if I was the one
who needed it
I'd be damn happy someone had one.

Well, it depends how people look at life.

One guy told me he got angry
that they brought him out of an 0ved0se
because he had wanted to die.

How people'd throw something away
they didn't/don't value.

Their own life!!! It's wild!!!

"You prevented me from k1lling myself, 
and I am suing you." LOL.

Like when I put mirror smasher
in an armlock to "make" him drop a rig.

He wanted to call it assault LOL.

But nope. Not my job to wake people up.
Writing about it, even, bugs me.

But it's like if I don't...
What isn't okay...
Would just be like "this is this now."
EVEN THOUGH IT IS NOT OKAY.

JUST BUGGED ME HAVING TO GO
SIGN FOR A LETTER
THAT I SPOKE TO THEM ABOUT 
TWICE.

BUT I STILL HAD
TO GO SIGN FOR A LETTER ABOUT IT?

I'm starting to think there is some sort of
like "punked" on me.

And people are in on it
to try to make things as fuqqed up as possible
to see how I'd "react" to it.

Like the Truman show...
But I'm on some "show" somehow....

Ever feel like that?
Like things can't be THIS fuqqed
for no reason...

And there are some "writers" somewhere
like "okay, when she says or does this...
Do or say this..."

Let's make her "lose her sh*t."
YES IT HAS BEEN SO TEMPTING

BUT THEN THEY'D HAVE A REASON
TO CALL ME "PSYCHOPATH" ETC.

"See? We told everyone
WAYYY BEFORE SHE FINALLY LOST IT."

WE *WARNED* YOU SHE'S *UNSTABLE*

They never "took into account" a lot of things.
THINGS I NEVER GET ANY CREDIT FOR.

But it's not about getting any credit for any of it.
It's just that had I ever gotten any, 
for fkn anything...
Ever...

Give me credit for "my sanity" okay?

Because so many people...
BY NOW WOULD HAVE 
GONE ON A FKN RAMPAGE
AND TORN THIS CITY
TO THE GROUND.

But I'm "sane" enough to "know"
that's what they wanted me to "try to do"
JUST TO SAY: SEE?
WE TOLD YOU SHE'S UNSTABLE!
LOOK HOW SHE'S ACTING!
WHEN THEY LITERALLY
TRY TO PUSH ME TO REACT FFS.

Just to say "she's crazy."

We "had to" do "xyz"
because "she's crazy."

Like getting multiple injections in the hospital.

If you're "out of control"
they can literally strap you to your bed
and leave you like that all night.
Every night.

They can inject you with CPZ.

I don't know what it's "clinically" called.
But it's something that knocks you out.

So nobody can have a "tantrum"
when they are knocked out.

They are fkn allowed to do this sh*t.
It's fkn insane what they are allowed to do.

A guy in there, he had just had surgery ffs.
And they physically forced him onto his bed.

They do not gaf.

Even when it is their job to gaf.

Anyway, there's a female
they put me in the same room as me...

She'd been getting the jab
before we shared rooms
and every time she got one
for being "aggresive"

she wanted to blame me for it ffs.

being jabbed against your will
with a heavy @ss sedative...

Or tranq....

Da fuq?

Happened a few times to me.

Waking up like wtf happened..?

And that extremely slow waking up...

That kinda makes you want to puke
because you're definitely not
waking up
at regular "speed."

But yeah... I understand why she'd be p*ssed about it
BUT HOW IS IT MY FAULT?

IF I GOT JABBED?
WOULD IT HAVE BEEN HER FAULT?

SO HOW IS IT MINE?

Anyway... You'd know what I meant
if you knew what I meant.

By all of that...

The thing I told someone
was that I'm kinda glad
a lot of bs happened to me
SO THAT I CAN SAY
THAT I KNOW WHAT IS LIKE
EVEN THOUGH
WHO WOULD WANT TO KNOW?

Like I was saying. Anyone who's scared of 
going broke never was broke.

It's fine to pass of whatever whim you have lol.

I see a chocolate bar and think:
"It'd be nice to have one, 
but I don't need one."

I look at some things and imagine a future "possibility"
like eventually having something to sit on
when I go out onto the balcony.

Or a light for the bathroom. 

Nice things that would be nice...

But I can't do "whims."
I understand the importance
of being "responsible" with money.

Especially after having wasted it when I had it.

Anyway, the point is
that I'm not out here buying cigarettes
and alcohol etc

I'd just be nice for basic stuff. 

Not "I want to binge on junk" stuff.

When I was in college...
I remember a girl in my class...

She'd bought a purse that was over $800.
Which was like my whole rent at that time...

Like 20 years ago.

Back then, it was just over $800
for a 2 bedroom apt.

And she was bringing this $800 purse
to school
like it was a fashion show lol.

I dress to be comfortable.

If I'm comfortable, why gaf about it?

But to make me seem like a "weirdo"
for not wanting to dress all "fancy"
AND WASTE MONEY
THAT I DON'T HAVE
AND EVEN IF I DID HAVE...

None of that is "me."

I'm okay with wearing clothes
that I dgaf if they get "dirty"

I'm not going to wear clothes
that "match my body"
because I still try to hide it
and even when I do
I get "do you want to have s3x?" Da fuq?

I purposely dress "down"
to try to like...

Be even more unappealing. 

Once, at a dance....
I used to dress in dude's clothes
because they are more comfortable, to me.

Anyway, some girl was trying to make
her "boyfriend" "jealous"
by trying to dance with me.

Dude thought I was a guy
gave me a black eye.

Didn't even fkn do anything.
And it was my birthday lol.

So even when someone thinks I'm a dude...

But just... Why would I dress to 
"show off my body"
when guys WHO COULD HELP THEMSELVES
BY NOT BEING LIKE THAT
IN THE FIRST PLACE...

WOULD BE EVEN WORSE?

Unwanted attention is unwanted.

Anyway, I should go to bed.