Never A Dull Moment

Welp, it wasn't a boring day.
No day is 'boring' unless you deem it to be.
It took me a while to figure out
that unless I gave myself stuff to do
I would be like a lot of people:
"I've got nothing to do."
I meant in "spare time."
Otherwise, yeah, people have stuff to do. 

Like one neighbor...
He was saying "only so much tv I can watch"
"Then I get tired of video games..."

He uses those as an excuse to drink.
For a lack of "something to do."

Why did I start off saying it wasn't a "boring day"?
A guy was getting chased by the cops, 
and ended up going into the building next to this building...
Got onto the roof and has been up there for 7+ hours. 

The neighbors, in this building, facing the building next door...
They got good pictures because the guy's level
to their apartment and they can see the guy
literally from their windows.

Dude was up there so long that he needed to take a crap...
So he literally took a crap on the roof. 

The street's been taped off all day. 
And is still taped off, as I'm writing this. 

I woke up to this lol.

I woke up, looked outside...
As I wrote before, I just have to look down
to see if there are any cops parked
out the front of the building...

I saw a few then I looked further down...
15+ cop cars, and an ambulance...

What's the guy going to do?
P*ss off the roof, too?

It's already taken way too long. 

Could have just set up those "bags"
Like a mat that's also an airbag...

Could have tazed the guy....

Could have done a myriad of things.

But they'll just wait him out.
What goes up must come down LOL.

The guy's sister showed up. 

I guess they've been trying to "talk" him down...

He knows he's getting arrested.
That's why he ran from them in the first place.

People were saying why he was running from the cops...
That he supposedly shot someone, k1lled whoever it was...

Wasn't anywhere he could run TO.
Once he was up there, no choice but to come down
and face whatever he was running FROM.

All the people who were out there, looking, 
across the street from here...
They've all gone home.

There was one cop looking at me
and pointing in a direction...

He never said f*ck all to me
so I "ignored" him. 

He was like trying to burn one into me.

Dude, if you want to say something, 
SAY SOMETHING.

DON'T EXPECT ME TO JUST FKN KNOW
WTF YOU WANT, PERIOD. 

AND IF I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING
WHY BE ON MY CASE?

Other than that, a regular day, here. 

Someone was saying: "It's not even the summer, yet."
And someone else was saying: "It's only Tuesday" lol

I "met" the guy next door, tonight. 
We were both on the balconies at the same time.

Checking to see if the cops are still here.

He's got the same name as the guy
who lives next to him. 

Who people were saying's "a nice guy"
and then someone was remarking
on the fact that he stalked tf out of some girl
who used to live here.

But he's "a nice guy."

Anyway, the guy I was talking with
the other night...

He says he "sneaks" out the back door a lot. 

I can see why.
But yeah... 

There are tables and benches out back
of the building, 
but no sun
because the building blocks it out LOL.

And I heard there've been complaints
about people out back
so most people sit out front, 
in a little "smoking area"
because the building's supposed to be
"non-smoking."

When my neighbor comes up to smoke one, 
we just smoke it on the balcony. 

We don't smoke it in here.

The less "complaints" I get, the better.

There was just someone down the hall
uttering threats as they were leaving, 
to the guy who had his door booted
by the cops. 

Supposedly the cops have eyes on the guy
because supposedly he's been
doing a lot of questionable things.

People coming to his door...
"You're fkn dead, yo."

I guess they don't have "enough"
on him to do "anything" yet.

They have enough on him
to know to have eyes on the guy.

I have a bad feeling his days are numbered.

Either those two, him and that chick
going at each other...

Her coming AT HIM
FULL RAGE MODE...

That's what people've been "afraid" of
when it comes to me.

"Full rage mode."

As angry as I've ever been....
I DON'T NEED TO MAKE
ANYTHING WORSE FOR MYSELF. 

BY GOING "FULL RAGE MODE."

IF I EVER HAD A REASON, 
I'VE ALREADY HAD PLENTY OF THEM. 

BUT "REASONS" ARE ONLY "EXCUSES"
IF YOU TURN THEM INTO THEM.

I could have USED any REASON
as an EXCUSE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE
WOULD HAVE LOST THEIR FKN SH*T BY NOW.
BY FKN NOW.

Isn't it REASONABLE of ME
THAT I FKN HAVEN'T USED ANY
OF THE MYRIAD OF "REASONS"
I "COULD HAVE" "LOST MY SH*T"
AS "EXCUSES"
TO "LOSE MY SH*T"?

I'd like to think that's pretty reasonable, of me.
EVEN AFTER BEING PUSHED
TO "LOOSE MY SH*T"
TIME AFTER TIME.

And if it was ONLY about my "reasons"
I WOULD HAVE USED THEM
AS EXCUSES BY NOW.

Which means I'd have been locked up.
Probably without a chance of getting out, even. 

Because if I DID go into FULL RAGE MODE
NOTHING WOULD FKN STOP ME.

And I know this.
And also know that not much is worth it.

SACRIFICING MY "FREEDOM"
"SHE'S DANGEROUS.
SHE "COULD" HURT PEOPLE."

It's like this...
People want to blame GUNS
FOR K1LLING PEOPLE...

LIKE THEY'D BLAME MY "ANGER"
FOR DOING WHATEVER TF 
THEY "DEEMED" "RIGHT"
DESPITE MY "RIGHTS."

And being pushed so many damn times....
TO LITERALLY LOOSE MY EVER LOVING SH*T....

AND THEY KNEW THAT IF I DID
THEY'D HAVE "REASONS"
THEY COULD USE AS "EXCUSES."

SO DID I. 

It's like getting "taunted"
like "you're never "allowed" to be "angry" ever."
BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, EVER, 
WE CAN DO WTF WE WANT TO.

EVEN WHEN THEY KNOW
THEY'D BE FKN ANGRY TOO!

And all I can "do" that I'm "allowed" to "do"
IS FKN WRITE ABOUT IT.

And explain, again, for the billionth time...
WHY TF I'D BE "UPSET" ABOUT SOMETHING.

Even though I shouldn't
HAVE TO FKN "EXPLAIN" IT.

But yeah, gotta "play the game"
or what?
THE "GAME" WILL TRY TO "PLAY" YOU.

IT'S FKN BS. IT REALLY IS.

PEOPLE TRYING TO JUST FKN "GET BY"
AS HARD AS THAT CAN BE...

WITHOUT BEING "PUSHED" CONSTANTLY...
AND MOCKED ABOUT IT.

LIKE PUSH ME THEN LAUGH AT ME.
AND AS SOON AS YOU STAND UP
AND PUSH BACK....

WHAT HAPPENS! "YOU'RE CRAZY!"
"YOU'RE DANGEROUS."
"WE "HAVE TO" DO THIS...
FOR EVERYONE'S "SAFETY."

FOR SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!!!
FOR JUST FKN THAT!!!!

DID I "DO" ANYTHING? NO?
BUT I SAID SOMETHING ABOUT IT
BEING BS, RIGHT?

AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE "RIGHT"
TO SAY "THIS IS BS"?

LOOK HOW I'VE BEEN "TREATED"
FOR JUST "USING MY VOICE" FFS.

But nope! Never had any "right"
to "stand up for myself" eh?

WHO'S GOING TO STAND UP FOR ME?
ANYONE OTHER THAN ME? NO?
SO?

HOW IS THAT A CRIME, THEN?

But... THAT apparently... IS a crime!!!
Crime of the "century"

FOR FKN SAYING ANYTHING.

BUT WHY FKN SAY IT
IF IT'S NOT EVEN FKN TRUE, THOUGH?

MAYBE A REASON I'VE BEEN SAYING IT?

And the worst I ever did was fkn say it
HOW IT'S BEEN FFS.

AND WHY SHOULDN'T I?
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOESN'T "LIKE IT"?

Look at all te BS I didn't "like" or fkn "need" in my life....

BUT I STILL HAD TO WHAT? FKN LISTEN
TO FKN EVERYONE...

AND WHEN IT WAS MY FKN TURN
TO FKN HAVE MY "SAY"

NOBODY WANTED TO "HEAR" IT
BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT'S
FKN TRUE!!!!!!!

My brother said something to me, once:
he said "Just because you have a mirror,
doesn't mean you have to shove it in anyone's face."

It's not just THAT though. 
THIS WHOLE FKN CITY
NEEDS A FKN MIRROR FFS.

"LOOK!!!!!"
"SEE THIS SH*T?"
"THIS SH*T'S NOT OKAY."
"I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS SH*T."
"I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY."

SHOULDN'T HAVE TO "LOOSE MY SH*T"
FOR ANYONE TO FKN "HEAR" ME.
Y'KNOW?

BUT THEY USE SOME BS THING LIKE
BEING "TOO SCARED OF ME"
GOING INTO "FULL RAGE MODE."

LIKE MIRROR SMASHER...
THOUGHT I WAS TELLING HIM
TO COME GET HIS SH*T
TO FKN AMBUSH HIM FFS.

What about "I don't want your sh*t here
BECAUSE YOU AREN'T WELCOME HERE"
IS HARD TO FKN UNDERSTAND?

If I had smashed a family heirloom
I'D EXPECT HIM TO BE P*SSED, RIGHT?

BUT IF I WAS GOING TO "DO" SOMETHING
I FKN WOULD HAVE, BY NOW.

NOT BECAUSE I DIDN'T FKN WANT TO... I DID!

BUT IS IT FKN WORTH IT?

WHEN I'M ALREADY SUPPOSEDLY "PSYCHO"
AND THEY'VE BEEN "WAITING"
FOR ME TO "DO" SOMETHING...

BETTER CALL THE COPS!
A*** "MIGHT" "DO" SOMETHING.

CAN'T EXPECT ME TO WANT TO BE ALL
WELCOMING ETC....

THOSE DAYS ARE DONE, RIGHT?

But WHY are they DONE?

BECAUSE I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED
TO TAKE THAT SH*T
AND JUST ACCEPT "SORRY"
TO "GET ME TO NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN."

I was walking, back to my place, on day...
When I lived at the old place...

And a couple was "fighting" in the parking lot...
The girl was like "I said I'm sorry! That should be enough!"
Like she didn't "want to hear it" after she said sorry,
but the guy was like:
"I didn't ask you to apologize! I'm trying to get you to UNDERSTAND."

THAT sums up my life!
IF PEOPLE FKN UNDERSTOOD
THERE'D BE NO REASON
TO FKN APOLOGIZE, RIGHT?

BECAUSE "UNDERSTANDING..."

Like "understanding" that just because I've been enraged
DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO GO INTO
FULL BLOWN RAGE MODE.

I DON'T, BECAUSE I ALREADY
UNDERSTOOD THAT!!!!

BUT DOES ANYONE "UNDERSTAND"
THAT I'VE ALREADY "UNDERSTOOD" THAT?

NO. THEY "TREAT" ME LIKE I DON'T
FKN "UNDERSTAND" ANYTHING. 

HOW COULD A "PSYCHO"
"UNDERSTAND" ANYTHING?
OR BE FKN REASONABLE?

Psychos just act psychotic...
Incapable of "reasoning"
INCAPABLE OF BEING REASONABLE.

And after all this sh*t....

They still want to play it as
THAT'S ALL IT IS AND HAS BEEN
WITH ME?

Wouldn't that be "enough" to "enrage" someone?

So then why am I here, writing about it?
SHOULDN'T I BE IN FULL BLOWN RAGE MODE?
I HAVE ENOUGH "EXCUSES" RIGHT?

BUILDING THEM UP FOR YEARS, RIGHT?

But, nope. Sitting here, writing, 
listening to music. 

HOW "PSYCHOTIC" OF ME, EH?

Shouldn't I be "arming" myself?
TO GO ON THE OFFENSE?

OR TO ACTUALLY "DO" SOMETHING?
SINCE I'M "PSYCHOTIC"
AND ONLY A "MATTER OF TIME"
BEFORE I "DO" SOMETHING LOL.

I am "doing" something. I'm writing. 

AND IF PEOPLE DIDN'T WANT ME
TO FKN EXPOSE THEM
FOR EXACTLY WHAT AND HOW THEY ARE
AND HAVE BEEN, 
TOWARD ME....

THEY HAD THEIR CHOICES!
THEY COULD HAVE CHOSEN BETTER!
I WAS EXPECTED TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.

ALWAYS. 

TO JUST "TAKE" IT.
"WHAT'S SHE GOING TO "DO" ABOUT IT."

I "could" have "done" something about it
HAD I WANTED TO MAKE SH*T WORSE FOR MYSELF.

Do I HAVE TO make anything worse for myself? No?
THEN WHY DO IT?
JUST TO DO IT?!

Because a lot of things
I "COULD" HAVE TAKEN
"INTO MY OWN HANDS."

IT'S BEEN BOILING TO THE "SURFACE"
FOR YEARS!

THE ONLY THING IS:
IT'LL ONLY BLOW TF UP
IF I LIGHT A MATCH.

WHY SHOULD I?
JUST TO DO IT?
JUST TO "LOSE MY SH*T?"

Because "losing my sh*t"
IS SUPPOSED TO "MAKE" PEOPLE
"TREAT" ME BETTER!?
RESPECT ME!?

IT'S SUPPOSED TO "MAKE" ME "FEEL BETTER"?
TO "CHANGE" EVERYTHING?

WAKE PEOPLE TF UP?

TO "SEE" HOW "WRONG" THEY'VE BEEN?

But yeah... If I had "reasons" to "lose my sh*t"
WHY HAVEN'T I?

WOULD IT CHANGE ANYTHING? NO?

OR JUST ADD ANOTHER LAYER
OF "STIGMA" ONTO ME?

"FOR" "LOSING MY SH*T."

Just making a POINT 
of MY SELF-CONTROL. 

BECAUSE IF I WASN'T "ABLE" TO "CONTROL"
MY "ANGER"

I WOULD HAVE "LOST" MY "SH*T."

Self-control is A FKN CHOICE.
EITHER YOU CONTROL YOURSELF
(YOUR "ANGER")
OR YOU STAND A CHANCE
OF MAKING SH*T HARDER ON YOURSELF
JUST BECAUSE YOU "FELT LIKE"
"RAGING."

But when you get "treated" like
YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND ENOUGH
TO KNOW IT'S A CHOICE
TO HAVE CONTROL OVER YOURSELF....

THAT'S BS.

JUST BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE "CAN'T"
"UNDERSTAND" THAT...

DOESN'T MEAN I "CAN'T"
AND "HAVEN'T" ALREADY.

Just really burns me....

Like "why are you so "upset"?"
And try to act like I have zero "right" to be.

WHEN THEY KNOW THEY WOULD BE!!!!

LIKE TRYING TO MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE THERE'S ZERO "REASON" TO BE UPSET
ABOUT ANYTHING, EVER.

SURE, PEOPLE HAVE A "RIGHT"
TO BE "UPSET"

BUT THEY DON'T HAVE A "RIGHT"
JUST TO USE IT AS AN "EXCUSE"
TO "DO" WHATEVER TF THEY "FEEL LIKE"
"DOING."

My mom used to say: "Two wrongs don't make a right."

They don't cancel each other out. 

And I've been "justifiably" "enraged"
but I'm "just drunk" again LOL.

I QUIT DRINKING 
SO THAT NOBODY COULD
BLAME ME "BEING UPSET"
ABOUT "ANYTHING"
ON "BEING DRUNK AGAIN."

AND THEY STILL FKN DO IT!

Wouldn't that p*ss you off?

But is that an "excuse" to go back to "drinking"
as though "drinking" ever "made"
"anything" "better" ?

WHY LISTEN TO HER?
SHE'S "JUST DRUNK" AGAIN!!!!

And that's not even the worst of it.

THE WORST OF IT
WAS "MAKING" MY CHILD
"FEAR" ME
BECAUSE I "COULD"
HAVE "LOST MY SH*T."

BUT DID I, THOUGH? NO?
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE I CAN WHAT?
CHOOSE TO CONTROL MYSELF.

THAT'S WHY.

OTHERWISE, I'D HAVE BEEN
FACING CHARGES.

I'D BE LOCKED UP.
AND I'D GIVE PEOPLE REAL "REASONS"
TO "FEAR" MY "WRATH."

BUT WHAT? THAT'S A CHOICE?
Yeah, that's a choice.

And why didn't I make THAT choice?
BECAUSE I NEVER HAD TO!