Sitting In The Dark

My last post got "put beind a warning"
because of "sensitive content"

but I put my blog as "sensitive content"
because I "swear"
and talk about "adult stuff."

And there are "adult content" blogs...
And there's a community guideline.

I try not to go off the "deep end" with it, 
although I outta curb that.

Especially the swearing...

Even though I "bleep" it
by not spelling the whole word...
Using astrixes for vowels yada yada.

Anyway, it was about why....
Why I don't bother much, anymore.

Nothing to "prove" to anyone.
Not going to waste my time, though.

About why I don't even care to say much
to certain people.

And why I just let them think whatever.
They have thought xyz about me, anyway, right?

SO WHY WOULD IT BE WORTH IT TO ME
TO CHALLENGE THOSE "IDEAS" OF ME?

WHAT WOULD I GET OUT OF IT? 
RESPECT? FOR ONCE?

Let people "feel bad" for me
WHEN THEY HAD NO REASON TO!!!

JUST BECAUSE THEY THINK XYZ?
ABOUT ME?

NEVER ASKED ME ANYTHING, THOUGH?
JUST ASSUMED WHATEVER?

When they "assume" you're "stupid"
BECAUSE YOU STOPPED
EVEN TRYING TO TALK TO THEM....

LET THEM!
LET THEM BE WRONG ABOUT YOU!
BECAUSE IT CHANGES NOTHING
ABOUT YOU!

Something that got me "through" a lot of sh*t...
Something I read:

"Your value never decreases
based on anyone's inability
to see your worth."

WHAT DOES THEIR INABILITY
SAY ABOUT YOU? ANYTHING?

OR JUST THAT THEY ARE "UNABLE"
BECAUSE THEY DON'T
HAVE THE "CAPACITY"
TO CONSIDER THINGS?

A MYRIAD OF THINGS.

Is their lack of a capacity
to consider things....

ABOUT YOU? OR THEM?
It's THEIR lack, not yours.

SO SHOULD I FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF?
OR SORRY FOR MYSELF?

BECAUSE THEY LACK SOMETHING?

EVEN IF THEY TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE I'M THE ONE WHO XYZ?

I used to! Until I realize...
That it wasn't ever me.

HOW COULD IT BE ME
WHEN NOBODY TRULY KNOWS ME?

JUST BECAUSE I SPOKE UP
ABOUT SOMETHING?

I've been in the middle
of people's conversations
about "group activities"
I WASN'T INVITED TO.

SO WHY FKN TALK ABOUT IT?
IN FRONT OF ME?
LIKE I'M NOT THERE?

JUST TO DRIVE HOME
THE FACT I WASN'T INVITED?

BUT WHY CONSIDER
WHY THAT'S A SH*TTY THING TO DO?

I WAS TAUGHT AT AN EARLY AGE
NOT TO FKN DO THAT.

Because I was having a SMALL birthday party.
And a few friends from my class
(kindergarten) I wanted to invite.

My mom told me not to talk about it
in front of everyone
because not everyone's invited.

AND IT'S NOT COOL TO DO THAT.

AND IT WOULD HURT THE FEELINGS
OF THOSE WHO AREN'T INVITED.

Something like that.

It was about considering
people's feelings, though.

It wasn't about who was invited
and who wasn't.

AND IT BUGS ME PEOPLE POSTING
THEIR PARTIES OR WHATEVER
ON FACEBOOK.

BECAUSE IT'S LIKE:
YOU WEREN'T INVITED.

But "I still want to be "friends"."

but I started being happy about not being invited
because a bunch of stuff I'd rather be doing
than be at some thing
because nobody else wanted to go...

Like that time my friend took me to a concert.
He took me because he knew
I couldn't "afford" a ticket.

AND HE WAS TRYING TO SELL
HIS EXTRA TICKETS THE NIGHT OF...

AND HAD HE WANTED TO TAKE ME, 
JUST TO GO WITH ME, 
I WOULD HAVE BEEN INVITED.
NOT JUST TAKEN OUT OF PITY
OR BE AN AFTERTHOUGHT.

LIKE: NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO GO
SO LET'S ASK A***.

So I'd rather not be invited
if it's going to be like THAT.

NOBODY ELSE...
SO WHY NOT A***?

LIKE I'M THE "FALLBACK" FRIEND.
FUQ DAT.

I'M THE FRIEND TO "BRING"
WHEN NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO GO FFS.

Again, I'm not raging about it...

I'm just saying: Why would I want to be
The "fallback" friend?

Like: "A*** has nothing else going on, ever..."
BECAUSE NOBODY THINKS TO INVITE HER...
UNLESS THERE'S NOBODY ELSE!

So what do I do? I go out, by myself. 
AND I DON'T POST IT ON FACEBOOK.

I might talk about some stuff I get up to, 
on here, 
but the majority of people I know...

THEY DON'T GET TO SEE THIS BLOG.
THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT.

They already judge me.
So why "show" them "another side" of me?

So they can judge me for what I write about?
Or that I write?

My Aunt told me I should "write a book."
She says she likes my writing. 

She's only seen some things.
Here and there.

But I don't feel like sharing EVERYTHING
with people "in my life"
WHO HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO KNOW ME
ON ANY KIND OF LEVEL.

SAYING THEY'D BE THERE FOR ME....
AND NEVER SHOWED UP.

My Aunt took me to pick strawberries
at the strawberry farm
near where I used to live. 

I did tell her that it meant something to me.
And I never got to tell her that, before.

It did! Because... She never had to.

Kinda get emotional thinking about things
that I'm honestly thankful for.

And my mom couldn't understand
why I'd "cry" watching
"Secret Millionaire."

It was because I knew
how much that money meant to them. 

AND I WAS HAPPY FOR THEM!!!!

But try to "explain" that
to someone who doesn't "understand" that.

She'd just get "jealous" of the people on the show.
"Nobody's giving ME money..."

So why be happy for them? LOL.

So I just... Don't watch it with her anymore.

Not like I've been watching a lot of anything...

Just mostly writing and working on my site.
Caught an open mic night, but...

Not been doing a lot. 
Sometimes going for long walks...
Can be nice...

Even to "tire myself out"
to make it "easier to sleep."

Contemplating going out tonight.
Even for a couple of hours...

A part of me wants to, really wants to...
A part of me wants to "hide"
in my apartment
from "the world."

Maybe "write myself to sleep"
like I sometimes do...

Once, I was practicing guitar
and I fell asleep with it on my lap lol. 

Or falling asleep with knitting needles in my hands lol. 

Waking up with a guitar on your lap lol.
Waking up with knitting needles in your hands lol.

What's on my lap?! Oh! I drifted off playing guitar lol!
What's in my hands?! Oh! I drifted off knitting lol!

I saw a video the other day...
A dog... 
Wanted food in the middle of the night...

Was on the sectional couch his "human"
was sleeping on, like next to him...

And the dog was holding his empty bowl
in his mouth...

And it dropped to the floor...
Woke the guy up...
All he sees, in the dark
is his dog jumping off the couch lol. 

DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS HIS DOG, 
WAS SCARED IT WAS "SOME CREATURE"
IN THE DARK...

It was one of those "night vision" videos. 

Was so funny!

Was mad the dog scared him. 
The dog felt bad... You can tell. 

Just was hungry...

Not the dog's fault
the guy didn't realize 
that it was just him...

Or that he was hungry!

But yeah, waking up to a noise
when you don't know what it was...

When I used to stay at a guy's place....

He slept in his chair, a recliner, 
and I was sleeping on the couch....

In the middle of the night...
He "dream punched" the lamp.

It fell over and I was "scared"
because my first thought
was someone threw something through his window...

Then he was making fun of me for being "scared" lol. 
When it was just a lamp that he "dream punched."

Well, for all I knew, at the time, 
someone could have thrown something
through his window!

He was on the first floor. 
Facing a parking lot. 

So if someone wanted to, 
they could just take off real fast.

Anyway... Waking up to "sounds"
when you don't know what they are...

When you "process" it...
It was just a dog's dish falling to the floor...
Or just a lamp someone "dream punched."

One time, I was sleeping on my couch...
My ex and my son went out somewhere...

When they got home, they both tried waking me up....
Calling my name, trying to "shake me awake."

But I didn't know they were back, 
and in such a deep sleep...

But I heard a "sound" that woke me up...
A small sound...

And my ex was like: "THAT woke you up?"
"We've been home for like an hour...
Tried waking you up..."

You know when an empty plastic 2L pop bottle...
When it falls over, it kinda "bounces"
because it's plastic and full of air...

THAT'S what I'd heard.

I was sitting in the dark because the sun went down...
By the time I looked up from what I was doing...
It was dark in here.

Sometimes I fall asleep with the lamp on. 

I dunno if my music is "loud" enough
that my neighbor hears it.

I try being quiet at night.
And my music's been on all night and all day...

It's at the "lowest" level. 
If it was any lower, 
I wouldn't be able to hear it.

Just that the walls are so thin, here.
I can hear the person upstairs
having a shower. 

Pretty sure it's upstairs...

But I can hear that.
Probably because of the water pressure...

I can hear guy next door opening his beer.
I can hear him belching.
And playing his "game."
And clearing his throat.

If my music was loud enough
that everyone could hear it...

Then, it would be an "issue."

Other than that? Hear me typing? No?
SO GET OFF MY BACK LOL.

I could probably hear him "fapping"
if I wasn't focused on my tunes lol. 

But I digress...

I play the music not to "hear" anything else.

Just not super loud. 
The only time I "crank" it
is if it's during the day...

If a good tune comes on.

Or one of my favs on my cassette starts to play LOL.
PUMP UP THE JAM!

But after 10pm... Not time for that.
Noon to 10pm... Fine.

Like my neighbor who lives
under the guy next door....

He's p*ssed at the guy next door...
For moving his furniture at 4am.

4pm? Fine.

It's about respecting people around you, though.
Just as though you'd want to be respected, right?

IF YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO HEAR THEIR BS, 
WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO HEAR YOURS?

My folks' neighbors sold their trailer and they're moving. 
My folks are happy about it.

Their son was pointing a laser on my folks' place, 
it shone through my folks' window
and pinged my stepfather in the eyes...

He wasn't happy about it.

After that, and probably been more than one thing...

I don't blame them for wanting to move, though. 

If the guy wasn't with my mom, 
I'd probably not have anything to do with him. 

My "relationship" with my mom, 
is never going to be what I had wanted it to be...

Used to bug tf out of me...
But she doesn't have the capacity
to understand or realize things...

So I'll see her once a month or something...

But any hopes of having a "commited"
"mother-daughter" relationship with her...
That's not going to happen. 

OR SHE WOULDN'T HAVE SIGNED HER RIGHTS AWAY.
HER RIGHTS TO HAVE ANY SAY
IN MY LIFE FROM THE AGE OF 13.

EVEN BEFORE THAT, I LIVED WITH FRIENDS
FOR LIKE A YEAR OR CLOSE TO IT.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TEMPORARY. 
BUT IT WAS LONGER THAN "EXPECTED" I GUESS.

SO I BOUNCED AROUND BEFORE THAT.

AFTER MY FATHER "DIED."

But I try telling myself that maybe be found out
that he had cancer or something
and didn't want me seeing him "like that."

And didn't want to "suffer"
for whatever time he had left...

Makes more sense than anything. 

My father wrote me a letter that I still have.
I read it to my son. 

Told my son my father would have liked him. 
He would have.

My son has had mental health challenges. 
Who hasn't?

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S HAD MUCH SUPPORT
IN HIS LIFE. 

AND HE KEEPS PUSHING ME AWAY
SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
EVEN TEACH HIM WHAT I KNOW?

Yeah, being pushed away by your own kid
sucks. 

BUT IN MANY WAYS
I'M GETTING IT
BECAUSE OF HOW I USED TO BE...

WHEN I HAD A LOT TO LEARN. 

AND HE STILL LOOKS AT ME
"LIKE THAT."

AND WHY "FK UP HIS LIFE"
BY WANTING TO BE AND TRYING TO BE
IN IT
WHEN HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO?

A neighbor in the building was telling me
"her life story."

About why one of her sons doesn't talk to her anymore. 

Her son wanted to have kids...
His gf at the time, didn't want to.

Then I guess he told her what his mom said...
And his gf didn't want her at the wedding, 

but she got a "print out" of the photos.

WHY GIVE HER A "PRINT OUT"
OF A WEDDING SHE WASN'T INVITED TO?

THAT WOULD BE A SLAP IN THE FACE, TO ME.
"HERE'S WHAT YOU MISSED OUT ON
BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T INVITED."

But I didn't say that to her.
I just let people talk. 

They seem comfortable telling me stuff.
I don't fkn know why.

A lot of stuff I wish they hadn't. 

A neighbor who comes up to smoke one...
One night he was talking about
how there are "grates" in the sidewalks
somewhere downtown...

And guys used to go down there to smoke
and "look at women's crotches"
from below....

It really fkn bugged me.

It bugged me because there was a guy
in my class in the 3rd grade...

He'd "pretend to drop something"
to go under the table
to try to look at my underwear.

I caught him doing it, once. 

After that, if I was wearing a skirt, 
I'd wear shorts under it.

I hated the thought of ANYONE
EVEN TRYING TO SEE MY PANTIES!

Because they were looking at my panties
to imagine what "my thing" looked like.

Once, I was at a bar with a friend...
A guy looked at my friend's "junk"
and turns to me:

"I feel sorry for you."

And it took a "bit" to realize why he said it.
Because he thought my friend and I were together.

Probably was asking himself why...
Then looked at my friend's "junk"
as though that was "why" ffs.

So I'd wear leggings under my skirt...
Or shorts, from then on...

Mostly leggings though. 
To "preserve" some of my "body heat."

AND PEOPLE JUDGING ME FOR
"HUNCHING OVER"
WHEN IT GETS COLD.

1) I PROTECT MY CHEST.
2) TRYING TO "PRESERVE HEAT.

And anyone who'd understand that...
WOULDN'T JUDGE ME FOR IT.

One of my female friends
so was always trying to get me to
"stick my chest out."

I don't like it.

I hate the thought of anyone looking at my boobs
or my butt...

So much that I'd rather not be around them.

When they "ruin it" by "looking at me like that"
THEY DON'T TEND TO SEE VERY MUCH OF ME!

Like those "old p#rv#rts"
WHO THINK IT'S OKAY
TO "SUGGEST" STUFF...

OR WANT ME TO WATCH "P0RN" WITH THEM FFS.

I literally told one dude
that if he wouldn't show it to xyz
DON'T SHOW IT TO ME!

I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT SH*T.
AND WHY WOULD I WANT TO WATCH THAT SH*T
WITH A 70+ YEAR OLD?

AND HAD TO BE "SOME REASON"
HE WANTED ME TO WATCH IT FFS.

Because he wanted it to "turn me on"
in the hopes "I wanted to" "with him."
Or something. 

Crazily creepy af.

AND THAT WAS AFTER SENDING HIM AN EMAIL
ABOUT THINGS THAT MADE ME
FEEL VERY FKN UNCOMFORTABLE. 

AND HAD HE "RESPECTED" ME
HE WOULDN'T HAVE TRIED TO DO ANYTHING. 

HE JUST WOULD HAVE "RESPECTED" ME
ENOUGH NOT TO XYZ.

So I haven't wanted to be around the guy.

It's gross.
Behaving like you "can't" control yourself...
No. I don't like that. At all.

If you "can't" control yourself "enough" to
RESPECT SOMEONE...

WHY SHOULD THAT PERSON
WANT TO BE AROUND YOU?

Like he was trying to "make arrangements"
to "marry me" ffs.

BECAUSE THEN HE'D HAVE ME
EXACTLY WHERE HE WANTED ME.

ALL TO HIMSELF.

No, people are so fkn selfish
to consider that IT'S MY CHOICE!
NOT THEIRS!
NOT ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT!

WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANTED?

WHAT I WANTED:
NOT TO BE TREATED LIKE XYZ.

Someone to "lock down"
BECAUSE: CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT
OF ME HAVING THAT CHOICE
AND FREEDOM
TO MAKE CHOICES
THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM.

To have "power" and "control" over me.
THAT THEY DON'T AND CAN'T HAVE.

IT'S NOT FOR THEM TO HAVE.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH
THEY WANT THAT.

Back when women had "no rights"
THEY WERE TREATED LIKE FKN PROPERTY.

AND HAD TO "OBEY" NO MATTER WHAT.
FUQ DAT.

"OBEY" THIS: *MIDDLE FINGER*

But, I'm just saying WHY
I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE
AROUND GUYS LIKE THAT.

BECAUSE WHY WOULD I?
FOR "ATTENTION"?
FOR "MONEY"?
FOR WHATEVER I COULD "GET"?

NO. 
NONE OF THAT IS WORTH
COMPROMISING MY SELF-RESPECT.

I couldn't respect myself for doing that.
Hence why I'm not like that.

Maybe when I was much younger...
And didn't respect myself enough...

BUT NO. 

Had people trying to get "attention" from me.
Had people trying to get "money" from me.
Or whatever they could "get."

AND I SAID: NOPE.

I'M NOT ANYONE'S FKN BANK.
I DON'T EXIST FOR ANYONE
TO TAKE ALL MY TIME...

UNLESS I WANT TO GIVE THEM MY TIME.

I'M NOT HERE FOR TAKERS TO TRY TO TAKE
ANYTHING THEY CAN "GET" FROM ME.

JUST NOT HERE FOR THAT SH*T.

AND IF THEY GET "MAD" ABOUT IT...
DOESN'T MEAN THAT I SHOULD HAVE TO
FKN WANT TO!!!

JUST SO THEY WON'T BE "MAD" AT ME? LOL.
GO AHEAD AND BE "SUPER MAD"
I MIGHT OFFER YOU A TOWEL
YOU CAN USE AS A CAPE LOL.

Anyway...
Just making points about stuff.

Some people want to be in "control" so bad
that they get "mad" that they aren't.

Like my stepfather.
I LET HIM THINK HE'S RIGHT.
I LET HIM THINK HE HAS "POWER"
I LET HIM THINK HE'S IN "CONTROL."

I LET HIM THINK A LOT OF THINGS.
DOESN'T MEAN THAT WHAT HE THINKS
IS THE CASE!

AND I HOLD ONTO THAT WHENEVER
HE TRIES TO "PULL A HEAVY."

I sit there in my RESOLVE.
MY "POWER" IS MY CHOICE TO
LET HIM THINK WHATEVER TF
MAKES HIM FEEL LIKE HE'S "WINNING"
OR WHATEVER...

BECAUSE WHAT HE THINKS...
HE'S NOT ALWAYS RIGHT!!!!

AND I CAN HAVE A CHUCKLE ABOUT IT.
AND I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM
IF MY MOM DIES FIRST.

AND IT'LL LIKELY HAVE TO DO WITH
HIS STRESS AND BS.

AFFECTING HER FOR ALL THESE YEARS.
OF HER NOT FKN SAYING ANYTHING
FOR FEAR OF MAKING SH*T WORSE.

BUT HE'LL KEEP ACTING LIKE THAT
UNLESS SOMEONE FKN PUTS HIM IN HIS PLACE.

AND THEN HE'D QUESTION HIMSELF. 

Really question himself
AND HOW HE CHOSE TO FKN BE
ALL THESE YEARS!!!!!

And my brother told me...
About his last encounter...

And about how when my brother's dog died... 
He was asking my folks' for a lift
to the vet... 

AND MY FOLKS REFUSED TO HELP HIM!!!!

So they ever want to be like:
"We're there for you..."
No tf you aren't. 

But he says things like:
If you guys ever needed xyz....

BUT DOES HE EVER OFFER TO HELP?
WITH ANYTHING?

DOES HE EVEN FKN LISTEN?
NO?

SO WHY WOULD WE ASK HIM FOR FKN "HELP"
WITH ANYTHING?

DO THE "HEAVIES" HE PULLS ALL THE TIME...
DO THEY MAKE US WANT TO
BE AROUND HIM?

Like I said... If he wasn't with my mother...
I'd likely not have anything to do with the guy.

And honestly, my mother had chances
to leave his @ss. And didn't. 

Because he'd "lose his sh*t" if she did!

Look at how he acted when my brother
didn't want to "celebrate" "father's day"?

HE "STORMED" OVER TO MY BROTHER'S PLACE
TO CAUSE A FKN SCENE.

DOES THAT MAKE ANYONE
WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM?

AND WHEN HE GOT BACK
ALL WE HEARD WAS HIM "POPPING OFF"
ABOUT MY BROTHER...

DID I GO FOR THAT?
WAS THAT THE REASON I EVEN WENT OVER THERE?
NO?

I SHOULD HAVE JUST WALKED TF OUT.
BECAUSE FUQ DAT.

AND MY MOM JUST "ALLOWS" IT.
OR IT'D BE WORSE.

When he's being "decent" he can be "decent."

But dr. jeckle mr. hyde sh*t.

And my mom put up with that sh*t for years.

All I'm saying is that I wouldn't have.

That "Valentine's Day"
they went to a party
and they got into a fight there...

So my mom left without him...
And he was literally beating her ffs.

I called the cops on him.

My cousin was there, that night.
Babysitting us, my brothers and I...

Even though I was old enough to babysit...

She was all freaked out...
Because her parents don't act like that.

She never seen that kind of sh*t before.

ANYWAY, SHE COULD HAVE LEFT HIS @SS.
AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
ENOUGH OF A REASON TO!!!!!

It was her choice to stay with him after that.
TO MARRY HIM AFTER THAT.

IT'S HER CHOICE
NOT TO SAY ANYTHING, EITHER.

BECAUSE SHE COULD HAVE!

EVERY TIME AND ANY TIME
HE TRIED PULLING A "HEAVY."
BUT NEVER DID!

BECAUSE HE'D BE A P.O.S
ABOUT BEING A P.O.S.

How is that "attractive" in any way?

IT WAS VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!

NOTHING SAYS I LOVE YOU
LIKE PUNCHING YOU IN THE HEAD!!!!

ONLY ONE GUY EVER PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD.
Think I wanted to "continue" that relationship
as though THAT never happened?

I watched a video, it was an interrogation video...
This female... She k1lled the guy
she was getting paid to take care of ffs.

LITERALLY HIT HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD
WITH A HAMMER...

BEFORE THAT.

COULD HAVE PRESSED CHARGES.
BUT HE DIDN'T. 

AND SHE K1LLED HIM.
AFTER THAT.

Anyone hit me in the back of the head
with a hammer...

BYE B*TCH.

Because: If they could do THAT...
they are NOT to be trusted, period.

There's a case that keeps coming up in my mind...

That OnlyFans Model...
SHE ST@BBED HER BF...

AND BEFORE THAT...
SHE USED TO SPIT ON HIM...
CALLED HIM N*GG*R ETC.

LIKE WALK TF AWAY FROM THAT B*TCH.

IF HE HAD, HE'D STILL BE ALIVE!!!!

But fkn WILD that people can do that sh*t
and expect to be "forgiven" ffs.

Like after st@bbing him...

She was probably thinking:
"Just a fight like the other fights we had..."
"He'll get over it."

Da fuq?

Probably regretted it...
WHEN HE DIED...

BUT IT WAS HER FKN CHOICE
TO ST@B THE GUY.

Someone once told me:
"I can see myself getting so angry
that I k1ll someone
but I'd blame them
for p*sses me off."

Da fuq?

IF YOU'D GET THAT ANGRY
THERE'S SOMETHING TF WRONG WITH YOU.

But at the same time...
I've been so angry...

I wanted "revenge."

And if someone "had to" die...

I've been THAT angry.

BUT EVEN SO...
DID I "DO" ANYTHING TO THEM?

Sure, I "could" have, right?
Sure, I was so "angry" I wanted to...

BUT DID I?

WHAT WOULD THAT HAVE DONE FOR ME?
GIVEN ME SOME "SATISFACTION" IN THE MOMENT?

AND I'D BE LOCKED UP RIGHT NOW!
OVER SOMEONE WHO'S NOT FKN WORTH
CATCHING A CHARGE FOR!!!!!

Why throw my life away over someone's BS?