No Matter What

Some people make mistakes about me.
When in actuality, they weren't mistakes. 
THEY WERE CHOICES.

It was a choice to treat me the way they did?
WHY, THOUGH?
BECAUSE PEOPLE LIED ABOUT ME?
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO SEE ME
WITH YOU?

BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE K1LLED THEIR EGO!

And never stopped to ask yourself
WHY THEY WOULD LIE TO YOU
ABOUT ME?

Must have been a "reason" right?
Or they would have minded
their own business?

AND TO THINK I'D STICK AROUND
TO BE TREATED LIKE SH*T?

NOPE. FUQ DAT.

But of course you'd be "confused" about me
IF YOU'RE LISTENING TO LIES
AND BELIEVING THEM...

BUT I'M JUST "SUPPOSED TO STAY"
NO MATTER WHAT, RIGHT?

BECAUSE: WHAT A SHOCK!
A*** WALKED AWAY!!!

BUT WHY, THOUGH?

Why would I WANT TO?

WAS I GIVEN "REASONS" TO STAY?
OR GIVEN "REASONS" TO WALK AWAY?

But as soon as I walk away...
I'm "suddenly worth something"?
Da fuq?

I'm only "worth something"
because there's only one ME.

Otherwise, you'd find someone
EXACTLY LIKE ME
AND THEN DO THE SAME SH*T TO THEM...

OR... TREAT THEM BETTER
THAN YOU EVER HAD THE DECENCY
TO TREAT ME, RIGHT?

But, why would I be TIRED OF EVERYONE'S SH*T?
Any guesses?

There's a "show" tonight. 
I got an email "invite" yesterday. 

But I'm supposed to be "always there."
Like I "always was"

WAITING TO BE TREATED "PROPERLY."

WHICH I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO WAIT FOR!!!

AND DEFINITELY WON'T "BEG" FOR.

If I didn't have "reasons" to walk away....
WHY DID I?

Just because I was "always there."
DOESN'T MEAN I EVER HAD TO BE.

THAT WAS MY CHOICE. TO BE THERE.
WAS MY CHOICE TO "WAIT"
WAS MY CHOICE TO XYZ.

A choice I wish I hadn't made. 

If someone's clearly 
TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED...

DOES THAT MEAN "STAY"
FOR "MORE"?

For another broken mirror 
and another thermos of p*ss?

FOR MORE BS?
NO, THANKS.
HARD PASS.

That's why I don't want to
"involve" myself with anyone.

I've got "enough"
"on my plate."

WITHOUT ADDING MORE
FOR LITERALLY NO REASON.

JUST BECAUSE I COULD ADD MORE?

Sure, I could. I have added "enough" though. 
And I've already have had "enough."

I'm wayyy past "enough."

Enough "enough" for this lifetime.

I spoke to the damn insurance company today. 
I was waiting for a payment to come out this month.

Because when I spoke to them, on the phone, 
about it...

About how much I owed...
They said they'd take out 2 payments.

My first paymet would be first, 
then the next payment

which I was waiting to "go through"
So that I can pay the rest towards 
another bill that I owe. 

I had to tell one company
to wait for my insurance to clear
before I could pay THEM their money...

So they've been waiting for THEIR money...

And I called the insurance company
to ask them when the payment's coming out...

They turned around, after telling me
that they'd be taking both payments this month,
that they were going to be taking it out next month
on top of what I owe for next month FFS.

WHAT IS THE POINT OF TRYING TO CATCH UP
WHEN THEY CHANGE IT ON YOU
WITHOUT FKING TELLING YOU?

AND MAKE IT EVEN HARDER FOR ME...
TO CHARGE ME EVEN MORE?

If I hadn't called them, today, 
I WOULD HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR NOTHING.

WAITING FOR A SURPRISE FOR NEXT MONTH FFS.
BECAUSE THEY CHANGED IT
WITHOUT FKING TELLING ME.

And I'm still waiting for money owed to me
SO THESE PEOPLE
WILL GET TF OFF MY BACK.

As it is, barely holding it together.

ALL BECAUSE I GOT FKD TWICE.
THE LAST 2 MONTHS.

AND THEN I'D HAVE BEEN FKD FOR A 3RD MONTH?
BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO CHANGE IT ON ME
WITHOUT TELLING ME?

And people expect me to be "polite" about it.

Want to fk me over? No problem!
I "enjoy" it FFS.

They wouldn't!

AND IF IT WAS ME FKING THEM OVER, 
IT'D BE A VERY DIFFERENT STORY, RIGHT?

And when they KNOW you're trying 
TO JUST FKN CATCH UP...
THEY WANT TO NAIL ME, HARDER?

THAT'S BS.

I had to pay 4 NSF charges.
2 from the insurance company, 
2 from the bank. 

Over $100 just in NSF charges....

AND THEN A SURPRISE ATTACK
FOR NEXT MONTH

AND ANOTHER 4 NSF CHARGES?

And then when I'm trying to pay
from my damn savings account....

And someone taps my card "for me"
that p*sses me off...

Because if I had money in that account, 
I would have just tapped it myself ffs.

I wouldn't have been trying to pay
out of my savings account ffs.

THANKS FOR THE NSF CHARGE.

I NEVER GAVE YOU PERMISSION
TO FKN TAP IT FOR ME.

I haven't been the MOST responsible with my money.

Or I wouldn't have wasted it for years.

However, I at least try to stay on top of my bills. 
AT THE VERY LEAST.

EVEN IF THAT PUTS ME ALL THE WAY "OUT."
EVEN IF THAT MEANS
"STRUGGLING"
FOR EVERYTHING ELSE.

And that is being "responsible" with
what little I've got. 

And after trying to get out of debt
for 2 fkn months....

I would have been in for another hole
to try to climb out of
with more surprises around the corner.

And I wouldn't have been able to make
that "surprise" payment. 

And I'd have gotten stuck
with another 4 NSF charges.

And then that'd just keep repeating
UNTIL I COULD GET OUT OF THAT.

MAKE IT HARDER AND HARDER EVERY MONTH, THOUGH.

----------

Anyway, I was in a "mood"
because it'd be nice to have some nice surprises.

I'm on a musician's email list.
He'd play for me... A song...
Just for me.

"I Can See Clearly Now The Rain Is Gone."

I caught him playing at the beach.

And on Canada Day, he played with I*** and his mom. 
I***'s mom plays violin. 

She said she was taught in Russia when she was 5.

I got to chill with them as they played.

Well, because I'm on G's email list, 
I got an invite to the open mic night.

The open mic night that I had been wanting to go to....

I didn't realize it was an open mic night.
I thought it was just G playing. 

He's a good showman. 

Anyway, I stayed for the last set. 

-----

There was a guy, there, I'd gone outside....
I forget why... 

Anyway, he was there
and he'd been playing his drum
so I asked him where he learned to play it.

We started talking about "busking"
and he said there's no need to "register" for it.

They don't do that anymore, he said. 

I used to go with J when he "busked."
J does the "robot" and "activates"
when someone gives him money lol. 

We used to chill after he busked. 

I've only busked a couple of times.

Watchig the sets made me miss my guitar...

There were a few really good sets.

The girls did a good job.
A few were really arogant, though.

One took a dig at the bass guy. 

The bass guy was good, though.

She said she had to pick something "simple"
so that he "could play it."

She is good, but she's the kind who know it
and acts like she's too good.

That dig she took said it all.

One guy... His rifts were fire.
He kind of reminded me of my cousin's singing
because he was really heavy on the husk. 

If he'd taken the husk off the low notes
and just sung them low...

But his rifts were fire.

As soon as they announced the "show" was over, 
I ducked out.

I live around 10 minutes away. 

So if I ever had to dash home, 
I could dash home.

I was there for the vibes... 

Well, also, it's been close to a year
that I saw G
and I've missed our chance meetings
in the park
especially on low days
because he has an uplifting spirit
which I love about him. 

Anyway, the guy I was talking to outside...

He and I smoked one
and he told me all about his art stuff.
Showed me pictures of a few pieces he's done.

He's very good!

He said he only sells few and far between though.

He also spoke about murals, 
but "underground" projects...

Like "hush hush" stuff...

Collabs, but like "pieces"
that have to be "spur of the moment"
so that "nobody can fk it up."

And then we sat together...

He invited me to sit with him...

One guy got up on the stage
and the guy I was sitting with...

He turned to me and said
that the guy on stage is his "competition"
(whatever that was supposed to mean, 
I didn't ask.)
I just said "Oh."
Because what was I supposed to say?

But the whole time the guy was on stage
I could feel like "jealousy" vibes
coming off of the guy sitting next to me.

It was one of the weirdest vibes.
Because it was like jealousy and disdain
mixed together... 

Kind of like animosity, but different.

Hard to "pinpoint" exactly what it is, still.
But I'm definitely better at "picking it up."
Interpreting it is different, though.

It takes "skill" to "pinpoint" it.

But definitely jealousy vibes.
Just mixed "emotion"
that was "radiating" from him. 

That's how I can "pick up" on it.
Because it "radiates."

Even when people try their BEST to hide it.

It's always THERE even when someone
tries to MASK it.

I've seen people act so damn FAKE....
Bugs me. It does.

Probably bugs them
when I'm being real, though. 

I'm always real. 

Why fake anything?

OR I'D STILL BE OVER THERE....
TRYING TO "PICK SOMEONE UP."

Because why not?
Fake an OOOoOooooooO
LOLOLOLOLOL.

Give something for people to
REALLY TALK ABOUT, HERE, LOL.

MAKE GUY NEXT DOOR'S "TANTRUM"
SOUND LIKE A "WHISPER" lolololol.

Would be so funny cops trying to boot down my door!

"Wellness check! Gotta "make sure" you're okay" 
LOLOLOLOLOL.

Just to "disrupt" 
"intentionally."

But nah. Not "into" it.

My "wildest imagination"
is plenty.

Although.... 

*Pause* Sigh. 

*Granola break while I "gather my thoughts"*

The music sets were great.
The comedy, not so great.

People thinking they are funny. 

I only crack jokes on here
to get a laugh off my jokes.

DGAF who "gets" it, who doesn't. 

What I think is funny, 
not everyone thinks is funny, 
which is fine...

This is more for my own entertainment
than for anyone's.

What else is there to do?
Make comments about the guy who jumped?
Or the dude taking a crap on the roof
next door
the other day?

Wait for the next thing?
Go fake an OooooooOOOOOOooooO?

Just to "hook" someone? Fuq dat.

Just because I "could"
doesn't mean I want to.

And even if I wanted to....
WHAT WOULD THE POINT BE?

Just for some "gratification"?
Just for "intimacy"?

IF THAT WAS ALL THAT I WANTED....
IT'D ONLY BE THAT
AND ONLY MEAN THAT... 

And there'd be no point. 

Just for that?

And if it was ONLY that....
That "need" wouldn't "go away."
Even after the "gratification" of it...

I hope that made sense.

That "need" for "gratification."
It'd just be... That.

AND HOW COULD THAT
EVER BE FUFILLING?

Because it's only that....

And that "hole" people are trying to "fill"
with whatever (I used to do that sh*t)
KEEPS BEING A HOLE
UNLESS YOU WHAT?
DO. SOMETHING. ABOUT. IT.

And what I mean by that....
THINK ABOUT IT.
REFLECT ABOUT IT.
INTROSPECT ABOUT IT.

And that's why people seek
APROVAL.

BECAUSE APROVAL
"FILLS" THEM "UP."

The thing, is you're "content"
where you're at and not "seeking"
or "clutching" at "straws"

YOU FILL YOURSELF UP.
ON YOUR OWN.

WITH NO "NEED."

It's hard to explain this stuff...

Because... Yes...
If you dug through my earliest posts....

When I was "clutching" at "straws"
and I just wanted... 

WHAT COULD HAVE JUST BEEN SIMPLE.

SIMPLE. SMOOTH. SOMETHING. 

WHEN I WAS "INSECURE"
IN THE WAYS THAT....

REALLY SHOWED....

BECAUSE WHY WOULD I HAVE
PUT UP WITH BS?

FOR AS LONG AS I DID?

Anyway, just thinking back
to how I "used to be"
compared to now.

BUGS ME THE THINGS THAT "SHAPED" ME.

THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO "BREAK" ME.

THINGS THAT CAN GO FK THEMSELVES.
SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD....

THAT CAN GET SUCKED OUT THE WINDOW
BY A JET ENGINE.

But had they not?

I'd be "seeking aproval" still. 
"Seeking validation."

I mean, if those things are so important to someone
and they "need" it to "fill" some "hole" in them...

THAT THEY REFUSE TO LOOK AT...
I MEAN, REALLY LOOK AT...

Because if they really looked at it...

How can I put this....?

THAT could "break" someone.

And in the way that....
They'd have to be willing to....
RECONSTRUCT THEMSELVES.

Because what we've been....
IS A CONTRUCTED IDENTITY.

HOW TF WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW
WHAT I ACTUALLY WANTED...?

I DIDN'T KNOW WHO TF I EVEN WAS!
OUTSIDE OF BEING XYZ TO WHOEVER.

Maybe a part of me, was always me...

BUT THAT PART OF ME
WAS NEVER FKN ALLOWED
TO JUST FKN BE ME!

JUST TAKEN FOR GRANTED
AND DEVALUED.

But you really want to hear it?

I did that to myself. 
I took everything that was ever "good" about myself
for granted, too.

I devalued myself
BY WHAT?

LETTING MYSELF BE DEVALUED.

That's the truth of it.

So if I've been doing the same sh*t
others were doing to me....
To myself....

HOW WAS I EVER "BETTER" THAN THEM?

NOT THAT I EVER THOUGHT I WAS....

JUST SAYING I'M NOT.
DOING THE SAME AS THEY WERE?

TO MYSELF?

FOR WHAT?
TO "PUNISH" MYSELF?

FOR WHAT?
NO BEING "GOOD ENOUGH"

FOR WHO?
GUYS LIKE MIRROR BREAKER?

FOR ANYONE?

WHAT TF WOULD IT MATTER
IF I WAS "GOOD ENOUGH"?

JUST TO BE "GOOD ENOUGH"?
"APROVED"?

BY WHO? WHY, THOUGH?

FOR WHAT?

TO "FIT IN"?
IN WHERE?
SOMEWHERE I WANT TO BE?

Somewhere I'd have to have "aproval" to be?

Nah. That's why I bounced.

I could have stayed to "mingle" or whatever...

Even the guy who I smoked with
who showed me his art...

I didn't have to talk to the guy.

I didn't have to go at all. 

The vibes were good, 
except that weird "thing"
between the guy and his "competition."

That's the thing with females, though.
It's like they get "weirdly" competitive
and "caty" when there's no need for it.

I've had chicks literally try to "tear me down"
to "feel better" about themselves lol. 

Okay, if that's what you "need" to "do." LOL.

See me doing that sh*t?
No?
Why is that?

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT SH*T
TO "FEEL BETTER"
ABOUT MYSELF. 

Like the dude was radiating that "weirdness"
and I could definitely feel it.
It was borderline "creepy."

But what was I supposed to say about it?

He didn't stay for the rest of the sets.

I had the table to myself. 
In the "second row."

Better than standing in the back,
even though I had a decent view.

Just some guy was wayyy too close to me.

I even looked behind me
because I literally felt him touching me.

Barely, but still...

Don't get THAT close to people.

I "ignored" it
but pretty sure they saw me turn around. 

To look behind me
because the dude was RIGHT BEHIND ME, 
SO CLOSE HE WAS TOUCHING ME.

So sitting at a table, away from that guy, 
was... Nice, I guess.

But I don't want to give anyone ideas about me.
Or when it comes to me.

Because I wasn't there for any "reason"
other than to see G play. 

Wasn't there to "pick anyone up"
The "bar scene" isn't really my scene.

Shows... Sometimes...
If I know the person more likely than not.

Or if it'd be something I could dig. 

This open mic differed from the other I went to...

Because this place was mostly covers
of songs...

Good covers of good songs....

But the first one, the one I played at...
Was for "original stuff" only.
No covers.

So when I went there, it was MY piece
that I played...

For the first time to a room full of people. 

I've played it for a few people, before, 
and "busked" it...

But I never played it for a room full of people
until that night...

Only fkd up on the first part.
The intro. 

But, I played it.
To a room full of people.

Maybe I'll work up the "nerve"
to play it at this open mic night.


Just need new strings and practice...
A LOT OF PRACTICE....

AND IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN 
"RELY" ON "LIQUID COURAGE"
BECAUSE "LIQUID COURAGE"
ISN'T "REAL COURAGE."

AND WHY MASK FOR SOMETHING
THAT IT'S EITHER
"SUMMON REAL COURAGE"
OR FKN DON'T.

Real courage is just "filling yourself up."
Not in a conceited way....

Because conceit is a mask. 
Masking insecurities.

Arogance, same thing. 

Egoism, same thing.

You get the point. 

"Bravado" is like "chest thumping" stuff.

And I've seen enough exaggeration...

Exaggeration... Is overcompensating. 

Like when people hype themselves up...
They tend to over-exaggerate the "hype"
and it "goes to their head"

But those who "hype themselves up"
tend to want to be "hyped up"

When they can't "get that" externally, 
To "fill" that "hole"

They have "mechanisms" to "compensate" for it.
I have seen this sh*t.
I've seen people doing it.

For a long time....
It took me so long to actually "see" it....

Like I saw it, but I had to "look at it"
to "see" it.

If that makes sense.

But I see that in most people. 
I had my things, too. 

I stopped "needing" those "things" though.

WHEN I REALIZED I NEVER NEEDED THOSE THINGS
THOSE THINGS WERE JUST THE
IDEAS OF THE THINGS
THAT I THOUGHT I NEEDED.

NEVER DID 

And once you realize that, things change. 

They really do.

But back then, would I have "listened"?

OR WOULD I HAVE KEPT MAKING EXCUSES
FOR MY MISERY?

WHO'D I "BE" WITHOUT THAT? RIGHT?

WITHOUT FEELING THE WEIGHT OF THAT?
EVERYWHERE I WENT?

WITH NO WAY TO OUTRUN THAT?

RUN WHERE?
IN A CIRCLE? LOL.

But let me ask you...
How many times are you going to run in a circle
until you realize
you're not getting anywhere doing it?

AND WHY KEEP DOING IT?
JUST TO DO IT?

But the art dude... He said something about
HOW WE GET IN OUR OWN WAY.

YES, MORE THAN...
MORE THAN WE REALIZE, 
MORE THAN WE EVER HAD TO...

BUT DO IT TO THE POINT THAT'S ALL
YOU KNOW HOW TO DO....

AND YOU BECOME?
SOMEONE ON YOUR OWN SIDE?

Or are you working AGAINST yourself?

Like trying to run against time lol. 

Or outrun something
NOBODY HAD TO BE OR BECOME.

NOBODY HAD TO FEEL.

Here's the thing....
In AA...

Someone said that we can't selectively "numb"
your "emotions."

BECAUSE YOU "NUMB" OR TRY TO "NUMB"
YOURSELF FROM "PAINFUL SH*T"

YOU BLOCK OUT ALL THE "GOOD FEELINGS" TOO.

In my life, I've experienced a lot of "painful" sh*t.
SH*T I WANTED TO "NUMB."
"NUMB" MYSELF TO...
SO I WOULDN'T FEEL IT, ANYMORE.

But "numbing" it wasn't "dealing with it."

AND I PUT SO MUCH EFFORT
INTO NOT "FEELING"
"THE PAIN"
FOR 99% OF MY LIFE...

SO MUCH EFFORT INTO DOING THAT....

THAT I WASN'T "GROWING."
And nothing was "changing" because I wasn't. 

And years went by. Even decades.

And you get to a point
that you realize that....

THAT SH*T ONLY "WORKS" FOR SO LONG. 

LIKE PUTTING A "BANDAID" ON A "LEAK."
IT ONLY "WORKS" SO LONG AS THE
"BANDAID" HOLDS UP.

RIGHT?

And then what? You need a new bandaid?

And what is the bandaid?
Alcohol? 
Meaningless s3x?
Some "vice"?

IT SWINGS BACK TO GRATIFICATION. 
THAT BANDAID
IS WHATEVER THE GRATIFICATION
REPRESENTS.

AND ONLY HOLDS UP
AS LONG AS WHATEVER HOLDS UP
IS HOLDING UP.

ONCE IT LETS GO....
THEY DON'T HAVE "ENOUGH"
OF "THEMSELVES"
"TOGETHER"

TO REALIZE THEY WERE ALL THEY NEEDED.
NOT SOME "LATE NIGHT BAR HUSKY VOICE
WITH SWEET RIFTS"

OR WHATEVER ELSE.

Because, sure....
Low lights, silent pauses, 
awkward glances, shy smiles...

Sweet dreams and all that jazz.
Rainbows and daydreams so deep
that you miss your stop....

Because you drifted off
into all kinds of "what ifs."

And then you need to get "out of your head"
but no matter what you do...

You spin the block to... Drift.

EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T FKN WANT TO.
EVEN WHEN YOU GET MAD AT YOURSELF
CATCHING YOURSELF
DOING "IT" AGAIN...

And sure, you could build an "entire world" out of that.
And use it as an "escape."
Some "reason" to "live."

"LIVING FOR THAT."
Is almost like "chasing the dr@gon."

BECAUSE IT'S NEVER AS SWEET
AS THAT FIRST "HIT."

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT DRUGS, HERE.

MAYBE "HORMONES"
OR SOMETHING CLOSE TO THAT,

BUT WHEN IT REALLY HITS....
THAT'S THE "SWEET SPOT."

AND THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WANT.
BECAUSE IT FEELS....
"NEXT LEVEL."

But what goes up, must come down...

And if you "hype" yourself up too much...
And "need" to do that...
You'll have to keep "needing" that.

Because that "need" never was a "need."
IT WAS A DESIRE.

NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

And most people can't "cope"
with the realizations.

BECAUSE IT DECONSTRUCTS
EVERYTHING THEY THOUGHT.

EVERYTHING THEY WERE CONVINCED OF.

And they what?
THEY START QUESTIONING.

Not just everything they thought.
But every "concept"
that every "idea" they ever had implied...

THEY QUESTION THEMSELVES.

WHEN THEY DO THAT....

THINGS CHANGE.

UNLESS THEY DO, NOTHING WILL.

NOTHING ABOUT THEM.
INCLUDING HOW THEY "PROCESS" ANYTHING.

I process stuff through writing. 

My anger, grief, misery, suffering, 
EVERYTHING.

If I hadn't been in my own fkn way 99.9% of my life
I WOULDN'T HAVE CAUSED
MY OWN SUFFERING.

AND I NEVER HAD TO BE A "MARTYR"
TO LEARN CERTAIN THINGS.

And it's learning things though
learning about them....

THINGS ABOUT LIFE, ABOUT OURSELVES
ABOUT A LOT OF SH*T.

THINGS MOST PEOPLE REFUSE TO LOOK AT.
SO THEY NEVER "SEE" IT.

They don't "want to."

Why'd anyone want to admit certain things
about themselves?

EVEN TO THEMSELVES?

EVEN IF NOBODY ELSE KNEW THEY DID.
What's harder to do?
Admit something to yourself
or to admit something to someone else?

WHAT IF YOU'RE ADMITTING SOMETHING
TO SOMEONE WHO ALREADY KNEW.
ALREADY REALIZED SOMETHING
YOU HADN'T REALIZED
THAT THEY REALIZED
A VERY LONG TIME AGO?

WOULD THAT MAKE IT "EASIER"?
OR "HARDER"?

Maybe "easier" in the way where...
YOU REALIZE THAT THEY'VE REALIZED...

But harder in the way that it took you
LONGER TO REALIZE.

AND YOU FEEL KINDA FOOLISH
FOR NOT HAVING REALIZED
MUCH SOONER.

AND EMBARRASSED
THAT IT TOOK AS LONG AS IT DID.

I've felt that, a few times, 
when "Iron Heart" and I used to talk.

It was "refreshing" in the best ways....

But it also left me with "feelings"
in the "pit of my stomach"
that I... 

That I couldn't "deny"
or "push down"
or "pretend" that I didn't "feel."

FOR THE LACK OF A BETTER WAY
OF PUTTING IT...

It's been at least a couple of years, now...
WHERE I'VE HAD TO "ACCEPT"
WHAT I DIDN'T WANT TO...

BUT I HAD TO. TO "MOVE ON."
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE WANTED TO DO.
CHOSE TO DO.
AND RIGHTFULLY, HIS CHOICE.

A choice I've had to "live" with.
And it probably would have been "harder"
had I allowed myself...

AND I WAS THE CLOSEST TO THAT
THAN I'D BEEN
IN A VERY LONG TIME.

TO ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL SOMETHING.
BECAUSE I DID.

I just couldn't "allow" myself
TO FEEL ANY MORE THAN THAT.

BECAUSE I KNEW I WASN'T
"GOOD ENOUGH"
FOR "IRON HEART."

BECAUSE... WHY WOULD I BE?
WHY WOULD I HAVE EVER BEEN?

So why "allow" myself to "feel"?
If I "opened that door"
more than a "sliver..."

DID I ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF IT?
YES.

DO I STILL THINK ABOUT HIM?
YES.

But what did I have to do?
ACCEPT HIS CHOICE.

WASN'T MINE.

ALTHOUGH, I MADE IT
BY FKING UP.

ALTHOUGH...

NOT GOING TO BEG ANYONE
NOT TO WALK AWAY FROM ME.

JUST WISH THEM WELL...
ACCEPT.
TO "MOVE ON."

I know it probably wasn't going to be
"something" in the sense that....

IT COULD HAVE BEEN...
WHATEVER IT COULD HAVE BEEN...

If that makes sense.

Was the very thought of it, enough?
Yes.

The thought of it...
Makes me miss.... Him. 
Everything about him. 

But I'll accept that certain things....
Just weren't meant to "last" or whatever.

I have to "explain it away" to myself...

Maybe so that it doesn't feel so... "ache."
But that "ache" is the absence of...
Whatever it had been, I guess.

But it never had to be anything. 
I never had to "allow" myself to ever "feel"
ANYTHING
FOR ANYONE.

EVEN THOUGH IT FELT "SAFE"
UNTIL IT DIDN'T.

MADE ME QUESTION A LOT, THOUGH.

Maybe brought me back to the times
I FELT THE "NEED" TO
"STUFF IT DOWN"

BECAUSE WHO WOULD WANT TO "ACHE"
FOR SOMETHING THAT WAS NEVER "THEIRS"?

WAS NEVER... OFFICIALLY ANYTHING.
OTHER THAN SOME SWEET THOUGHT
TO PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE?

SOMETHING THAT WARMED MY HEART.
JUST A LITTLE BIT.

PROBABLY THE CLOSEST I LET
ANYONE GET... EVER.

Only for it to just... I don't even know.

Implode?
Blow up in my face?

BUT I WASN'T IN THE RIGHT "MIND"
TO HAVE TRULY APPRECIATED
WHATEVER IT WAS
THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE

WHICH WASN'T FAIR TO HIM. 

And there were some things
on my part....

WAS MORE ON MY PART THAN HIS.

But he couldn't accept I wasn't perfect.
BECAUSE I'M NOT.
NEVER TRIED TO BE.

NEVER TRIED TO HIDE THAT FROM HIM. 

What would the point of that have been?

JUST TO PRETEND?
LIVE IN SOME "DREAM WORLD"?
WHERE I'M SOMEHOW "GOOD ENOUGH"
FOR HIM?

For a guy who's probably not perfect, himself. 

AND I ACCEPTED HIM BACK
INTO MY LIFE.

AFTER HE STOPPED TALKING TO ME.

LET HIM BACK IN
BECAUSE HE SAID HE MISSED OUR TALKS.

I DID, TOO, 

BUT IT'D BEEN MORE THAN THAT, FOR ME.
IT WASN'T FOR HIM. 

OR HE WOULD HAVE MISSED ME.
LIKE I MISSED HIM. 

I guess the point was....
HOW COULD I HAVE EVER BEEN
"GOOD ENOUGH"
FOR HIM...
I WASN'T "GOOD ENOUGH"
FOR MYSELF, FIRST.

And it was more than that, too. 

Just... I guess the thought still counts.
Because it was the thought
that kept me going, for a while...

THAT PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE.

THAT FELT NICE.

BUT I STILL "HURT" SO DAMN MUCH
AND I KNEW THAT IT WOULDN'T HAVE...
EVER BEEN... 
SO I COULDN'T....

BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE HURT MORE
THAN IT ACTUALLY DID.
BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY DID.
REALLY DID.

Doesn't so much, now.
Because I've accepted it, now.

WHAT CHOICE DID I HAVE?
EITHER ACCEPT IT
OR ACHE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

OVER SOMEONE WHO WOULDN'T...
AND HASN'T...

EVEN SPOKEN TO ME
IN AT LEAST A COUPLE OF YEARS.
PROBABLY 3 TO 4 YEARS.

Does he think I'd never talk to him again?

I don't "have to"
Never "had to."

HE NEVER "HAD TO" TALK TO ME EITHER.
EVER.

BUT HE WAS NO "BANDAID"
NOR SOME GALLANT
ANSWER TO MY "PRAYERS."

JUST SOMEONE.
Not "just" someone....
Not to me... 

BUT WHO TF WAS I TO IM?
ANYONE?

Was I ever anything, to him?
Probably don't want to know.

What would that change?
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?
WHATEVER IT WAS?

The other point was that I "allowed"
myself to "feel" something
that might not have ever been "there."

But that "ache" just reminds me
of that "feeling"
and that "pit in my stomach"
"lump in my throat"

JUST WANT TO....

I CAN'T PRETEND IT WASN'T SOMETHING TO ME.
AND IT WASN'T ABOUT THE CONVERSATIONS, FOR ME.

IT WAS ABOUT WHAT MADE IT "REAL" TO ME.
WHICH TURNED OUT
TO BE ME "ALLOWING"
MYSELF TO "FEEL" SOMETHING
NICE. IN THE MOMENTS.

BETWEEN HIM AND I.

But that never meant that it had to
mean anything more than that.