Not Surprising Anymore

I mostly have my radio on 24/7. 
Mostly, because I'm listening to music
while doing stuff, 
but it's also to "drown stuff out."

What goes on... 
The cops ARE here, now...
They've been here all day
so I think it's a death or something like that.

Could be about drugs... I don't know.
But two "unmarked" cars have been out front
all day. A couple of "marked cars" were around, 
but they left.

I'll probably hear all about it at some point...
Just been focusing on my "web stuff."
Been barely going anywhere.

I'm starting to get "I thought you moved" HERE lol. 
I used to get that at the last place I lived lol.

Because when I'm buckled down to do something, 
I keep working at it until I've got something done.

It might not be "the best ever" or whatever, 
but it's putting "effort" into something. 

It stinks like chemicals in here...
I don't know why, 
but that "nail polish remover" smell is strong...

As a "girl" I know what that sh*t smells like. 

The smell of it turned me off from using it, at all. 

Those places that do "nails" freaking "stink" of chemicals. 

That's the only way I can describe what I smell in HERE.
It's coming from somewhere. Not from me.

Anyway, a few days ago... It was early in the morning...
Like around 5am or something stupid.

The cops were here, trying to get the dude to open his door. 
He was refusing to open it and they were booting it lol. 

THAT'S ALL I COULD HEAR.
THEM BOOTING THE GUY'S DOOR.

I was just trying to GET to sleep at that point. 
Been staying up LATE working on this THING.

Haven't been working on much else.
I just want this thing to be "something" this year.

Once I get it where I want to be...
I have more "time" to do some other stuff...

The thing about websites is that you can just set it up ONCE
and it'll keep running...

Next month's going to be another tight one
because I'm trying to get caught up on some stuff. 

A couple of fooked up months
can fook up quite a bit!

So I have some more "juggling" to do...
Just to try to "catch up" it's ridiculous.
But at least I won't "lower" my "standards" for myself...

Because there's a whole bunch of things I "could" do
to "make money" and none of them are "worth it" to me.

Plenty of OLD MEN...
You think I haven't been propositioned before?

BUT DO YOU THINK I WOULD DO THAT?
NOT A FOOKING CHANCE!!!!

Money's not THAT fkn important, to me
that I would ever consider doing that sh*t.

Or a myriad of "other things."

I'd rather do something I enjoy. 
Like "web stuff..."

Picking's... Picking. 
It's just an option for some quick cash. 

Gritty, but I'd rather pick than...
A bunch of other things lol.

Let's just put it that way.

I get s*x**ll*z*d way too much...
Why would I do that to myself?
For what? "Money"? 

Back when I was 14...

I was "out there." 
A guy "stopped" and "offered me a ride."
He was trying to "pick me up" for... 
Whatever he was hoping for...

I was fkn FOURTEEN!!!
You're dang right I robbed the guy.
Da Fuq?

Bad enough being fkn FOURTEEN...
"OUT THERE"

Didn't have "parents"
because my mom had signed me away.
My father'd already been dead.

So... I was "out there."
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE "IN THERE."

So every chance I got to go AWOL. I DID.

And during the times I was AWOL, 
I'd be "out there."

So that explains WHY I was "out there."
Not that it really matters.

Just saying I could be robbing people...
I could be doing BnE's etc...

Could be selling... 

So's picking so "bad"?

Anyway, just noting the police have been around
like A LOT.

And when they are booting your neighbor's door...
You can at least listen to music
so you don't hear that sh*t...

Who knows what my life could have been like
if just a few things had been different?

But then, I would be different, too. 

Would I have been too "prideful" to be "gritty"? LOL.

Can't see myself as "girly" in any circumstance lol...
Not even if a lot had been different in my life.
If my life had turned out differently...

I just can't see it...

Well, I guess the libs won the election, again. 
A minority government...

I really thought the conservatives were going to win, this time.

Supposedly, Jagmeet stepped down as the leader of the NDP.

So what's been going on... Historically, under the libs...
Is still going to go on. 

So much for "cracking down" on the "drug problem."

You walk around, out here...
You'll see rigs right on the sidewalk.
Or a cr@ck or m#th pipe.
Or those bands to "tie off" 

Everywhere.

Gone are the days that the worst we'd see
is a used c0nd0m lol!!!

That's not going to be "addressed" any time soon LOL.
It's not on the "political agenda" LOL.

Not "important" enough...

O-town's like a blackhole. 
Once you're here, it's hard to get out...

And while you're here...
IT'S ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER FKN THING. 

And you're trying to just keep yourself breathing ffs.

And even that...

And for what?

Broken mirrors and thermoses of p*ss!!!!
Right?

Either go to bed to doors getting booted
or wake up to it.
Your choice!

GEE! WHY CAN'T IT BE BOTH?! LOL!

CAN'T GET EVERYTHING WE "WANT" RIGHT?

Anyway, drama aside...
I have fondness for my hometown...

Some great things about it...
It's just so many fooking idiots
COMING HERE AND FOOKING IT UP.

It was always fooked to begin with... Okay?
I won't ever say or pretend that it never was.

It's just that with an influx of people
from other cities and other countries...

It seems to be even more fooked
than it initially was.

If that makes any sense.
Because they bring with them...
ALL THEIR BS.

AND ALL THE BULLSH*T
COMBINED...

BECAME THIS THING
THAT'S NOT DONE BECOMING 
THIS... THING.

THAT SEEPS INTO EVERY FKN THING, HERE.

FKN RUINS THINGS
THAT NEVER "HAD TO BE" RUINED.

LIKE WE COULD HAVE RUINED OURSELVES
BY OURSELVES
WITHOUT "OUTSIDE HELP."

Pretty much what I'm saying. 

But, from an "insider" that gets treated like an "outsider"

I WAS FKN BORN HERE!!!!
AND SOMEONE WHO WASN'T
WANTS TO TELL ME "HOW IT IS"? DA FUQ?

I THINK I SHOULD KNOW
BY NOW
"HOW IT IS" 
WITHOUT BEING "TOLD."

BY SOMEONE WHO'S NOT BEEN HERE
THEIR ENTIRE LIFE!!!!

But how should *I* know? Right?
Not like I've "lived my whole life" here or anything... LOL.

Lately, though, it's been p*ssing me off.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS.
BEFORE ALL THIS BS.

AND NOT LIKE IT COULD BE
WITHOUT ALL THIS BS.

FAIR REASON TO BE P*SSED OFF?

I voted, but "threw" it away
to a "party" that's not the main 3.

I was on the fence about voting NDP.

My "family" (mother's cousin and her daughter)...
They are PRO lib. 

To the point of calling Pierre 
a "trump wanabe" 
MAGA vibes etc.

WTF IS WRONG WITH WANTING CANADA
TO BE FKN CANADA, AGAIN?

A lot of people didn't want to vote conservatives...
Because the libs do their little "attack" campaign
to "make it look like" this or that...

ZERO FACTS SUPPORTING IT,
JUST AN "ATTACK"

BUT THEY DO IT EVERY FKN ELECTION. 
IT'S FKN GROSS.

They bring in all kinds of people
and they all vote for the government
THAT LET THEM BE HERE...

Of course they're "assets."
The guy in charge of immigration....
He literally said that word
and had to "correct" himself LOL.

They are "votes" and not just "new citizens"
that they can "tax" or whatever.

The thing is, it's a lot to do with WHO YOU KNOW, HERE.

So the "rich" guys all know the "rich guys"
all the "family ties" and "business ties" etc...

They all prop each other up...

Someone gave me the exact word for it...
He said it's a fkn PAGEANT. 

Historically... We're talking like the very early days...
It goes way back to those days...

The "connections" are very "real."

And it matters WHO YOU KNOW.
NOT JUST WHO YOU ARE
OR WHAT YOU CAN DO.

BECAUSE IF NOBODY KNOWS YOU
DOES IT MATTER WHO YOU ARE?
DOES IT MATTER WHAT YOU CAN DO?

They want you around IF THEY HAVE A USE FOR YOU.

I found that out, the fkn hard way.
I said "fk this." Deuces.

The thing I realized is that I don't want everyone to know me.
Living a very secluded life....
Way less BS. Way less drama. 

Most people, around here, don't know me.
Me, holing myself up to work on stuff
is very "normal" for me.

It's not about anyone else.
Not my problem if anyone has a problem with it.
Why be "offended" that I want to seclude myself?

Not personal... 
Personal, in my case...
Because it's about my goals. They are personal, to me, 
but other than that... Can't I just... 
Be alone to do that?

Without anyone trying to make it
into something it's not?

Plus, that other girl...

I don't like her vibes at all.
I don't know why...

It feels like if anyone takes attention OFF HER...
It feels like THAT. It's gross. 
I don't want to be around her.

I don't "get" why some people
think they "have to be" the center of "attention"
AT ALL FKN TIMES...

BUT WHEN THEY DO, THEY HAVE
CERTAIN VIBES THAT FEEL... GROSS.

I would rather be a "nobody"
than "anybody" who "has to be"
a "somebody."

I don't have to be anyone.
I don't freaking want to be anyone.

I can "hide" in the "nothingness"
or being a "nobody."

Which feels better
than having to be in the "everything"
of being a "somebody."

For a lack of a better way of explaining that.

On the radio, I heard a cop sh0t someone by the mall. 
They had the street blocked off
for a whole block. 

I haven't heard, yet, what it was about. 

Just not surprised a cop sh0t someone.

So much "power" goes to some people's heads.

Like that subway video I saw...

3 or 4 guys were in cuffs...
All sitting on the ground...
On the platform. 

They weren't outside the station. 

(This was in the USA, not here).

A cop literally put a gun to the guy's head
and sh0t him point blank.
In the head.
In front of everyone.
Next to his friends ffs.

That's not something you "get over" "easily."
Sitting there, in cuffs...
While someone (also in cuffs)
gets their brains blown 
out of their cranium. 

SOMEONE YOU KNEW!

I forget why they were being "detained"
BUT IT DEFINITELY
DIDN'T "WARRANT"
GETTING SH0T IN THE HEAD FFS.

HE WASN'T DOING ANYTHING!!!
HOW COULD HE?
HE WAS LITERALLY SITTING
ON THE GROUND
IN HANDCUFFS FFS.

But THAT example
is a prime example
of "power" going to someone's head.

WHEN THEY THINK
THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO JUST
FKN DO THAT SH*T.

I hope the guy got to see himself
in that recording
DOING WHAT HE DID.

AND I HOPE IT EATS HIM
EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE.

BECAUSE HE NEVER HAD TO DO IT.

And this sh00ting in O-town...

There'll be some "justification"
or the cop'll say "Whoops!"
And get a slap on the wrist
FOR LITERALLY K1LLING SOMEONE.

PROBABLY UNARMED...

But why should the person who got sh0t matter?
Maybe some "bum" right?

Why should anyone "care" who it "was"?
Or why they got sh0t?

Because that's just... NOT O-town anymore.

This city is a giant WTF wrapped into a city.

Ashley Madison putting us "on the map" LOL.

Sadly, people come HERE for more "opportunities"
than they had wherever they are from. 

And that one neighbor I talk to in passing...
Usually asks me if I've seen any ghosts in here, yet.
And tells me he's from the "Suds" and how it's such a "dive."

If this wasn't a government "town" it'd be just as much
of a "dive" as any other city in Canada. Honestly. 

"More to do" doesn't make it "better" than somewhere
where there's "nothing to do."

O-town still "rolls up its sidewalks at night"
just like other places, do. 

And the thing is... This...

YOU ONLY HAVE "STUFF TO DO"
IF YOU GIVE YOURSELF "STUFF TO DO."

YOU CAN'T GO AROUND
EXPECTING TO BE "ENTERTAINED.."

Well the "entertainment" here is FREE, 
but it's all the usual DRAMA and BS.

For some, it's "entertaining."

I'm just saying that all these "festivals"
are "giving us stuff to do"

BUT THEY ARE MOSTLY THE SAME.

IF YOU EVEN HAVE MONEY
TO GO TO WHATEVER FESTIVAL IT IS.

BECAUSE THE MUSIC FESTIVALS
AREN'T FREE.

I've never been to any.
I volunteered at the tulip festival one year
and got to see the "concerts" but
I just wanted to go home after a full day.

They have a nice "line up" for the volleyball tournament.
The H.O.P.E volleyball thing...

Volunteered for that, once, too.
Got a scorching sun burn that year LOL.

Anyway, there are some "perks"
for volunteering. 

Volunteers get an "after party" thing. 
A volunteer appreciation party.

Yeah... It "pays" in some ways to volunteer.

Thinking about going back to the kitchen...
Just, I'd rather "work" in the "garage"
with R***. He takes the "donations"
and he organizes them all.

He's worked there for years. A good guy.
He'd let me help him out, in there.

I don't feel like being upstairs in the kitchen, itself. 
Or around many people.

It's hard to explain WHY...
Energetically... My energy gets "pulled"
and "stretched" and on top of that...
I feel all kinds of weird vibes from people...
It's like being bombarded from all angles
with all kinds of... Junk...

And when you'd just like to... BE in your own energy...
And the only way you can even feel OKAY to BE
in your own energy is when you're alone. 

It's kind of like that.

Around some people, it gets so damn tense.
THAT IT FEELS LIKE I CAN BREATHE
WHEN I'M TF AWAY FROM THEM.

I don't like saying it, or feeling it, 
but it's true.

As soon as I'm "out" of their "energy"
it's like an automatic "relief" thing. 

And then I have to "recharge" my own energy
after getting freaking depleated. 

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO LITERALLY
SUCKED THE ENERGY OUT OF ME.

ENERGY "VAMPIRES" ARE REAL.

AND I'D NEED TIME TO "RECHARGE"
EVEN "DECOMPRESS"...

AND THEY WANTED MORE AND MORE!!!
And they could only take and take
if I gave and gave.

I GOT REAL QUIET AND STEPPED TF AWAY
AND SINCE I HAVEN'T BEEN "GIVING"
LIKE I USED TO...

THEY HAVE NO USE FOR ME! LOL!

And this is why I'm more than okay just being on my own, 
doing my "web stuff" at my own pace...

I'd rather be ALL ALONE
THAN AROUND ANYONE
WHO EVER HAD SOME "USE" FOR ME.

Because if they try to "use" you for one thing, 
they'll try to "use" you for another thing.

F*CK THAT.
JUST... F*CK THAT.

When you get to be reclusive, intentionally, 
you "deal with" less and less sh*t.

THE THING IS THEY'LL LATCH ONTO YOU
IF YOU'RE THE KIND OF PERSON
WHO IS KIND AND CARING.

THEY'LL EAT IT ALL UP.

UNTIL THEY PUSH YOU PAST THE POINT
THAT YOU EVEN GAF ANYMORE...

THEN THEY'LL GET "MAD" AT YOU
FOR CHOICES THEY MADE.

AND ACT LIKE IT WAS "BECAUSE OF YOU"
NOT THAT IT WAS THEIR FKN CHOICE
TO FKN ACT LIKE YOU OWED THEM
FKN ANYTHING...

I guess I should get "ready" for "bed."
Was another "long night" lol.

I drink so much tea that I should be lit
like a m'fkn' Christmas tree LOL.

I p*ss like I'm watering one LOL
for the next several YEARS lol. 

It's crazy... Last night was actually "peaceful."

Cops are still here. Don't know why.
I'll probably hear about it, eventually.

None of my business, anyway...

Just strange that they've been here
all day yesterday, all night, and still here.

That a long @ss call... Y'know.
Something more than a "domestic."

Just makes me kind of curious, I guess.
Not that it's my business.

When I went to sign the lease for this place...
I got to the place...
Three cop cars with COP DOGS!!!

They don't pull the dogs out for no "reason."
Those dogs are "specialized trained" dogs.
Like tactical mutts lol.

There is a movie that freaked me out when I was a kid. 
I think it was called "The watchers" or something like that.

The movie was about a "creature"
Outdoor Tactical Animal...

It was k1lling people
to take their eyeballs or something...

It's been years since I saw it...
But "tactical animals"
makes me think of that "creature"
in that movie that freaked me out as a kid lol.

Anyway, that's what I saw when I signed the lease for this place.
I didn't sign it, here, but that's what I saw.

The last 3 months, just being here... It's been draining. 
Just the BS around here, in here, around me.

Makes me want to "get away" from here...

Still waiting for it to "get warmer"
the last couple of days haven't been so bad.

Nothing wrong with going for walks and stuff like that, though. 
Sometimes I just need a "break" from this place.

It'll be "better" to get out "more" very "soon."

I still have a bunch of goals etc... 
But a "break" here and there won't "hurt."

I was going to make a morbid joke, but I won't.
I was going to joke about dodging "jumpers"
if I leave here.

What stuck with me is that when you die
doing something or whatever...

You somehow get "remembered"
for how you died, not how you "lived."

Like all the "jumper jokes" was what that guy
who jumped
got reduced to.

Did anyone even know his NAME?
I DOUBT IT.

But would knowing his NAME
MAKE HIM SOMEHOW "HUMAN" ENOUGH
NOT TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT HIM "JUMPING
TO HIS DEATH"?

Like if I were to jump in front of a train
or something equally crazy....

I'd just be "the girl who jumped in front of a train."

My whole life would be summed into
"she did this."

NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.
NOTHING ABOUT ME AS A PERSON.
MAYBE NOT EVEN MY NAME.

But jokes about it.

Because why should I be looked at
AS A PERSON
WHO HAD A LIFE AND A NAME?

Y'know?
It's like my life never happened.

Anyway... It just bugs me.

I'm getting tired, so I'm going to write again another time.