Fear & @ss

One neighbor was saying...
"The only things you smell in jail
are fear and @ss."

Didn't ask him how he "knew" that, 
but I can "see" that.

The only ones who "want" to be there
are people who can't "cope" out "here."

Like people who steal "to get caught"
and "go away" for "a few months"
because at least in jail, you get fed. 

No "need" to "worry" about paying bills
or "rent money" while you've got a "roof"
and a "toilet" right?

Not that jail's a "cake walk."
There's a show... I forget what it's called, 
but people get paid
to be on a show about being in prison...

#Days In... Something like that...

They're given a whole backstory...
About why "they're in there." etc. 

To see how long they'll last or something. 

Only seen the show a few times.

One guy... In O-town... He "hooped"
6 fkn kinder eggs of "contraban"

Six!!! 

Imagine having a colon full of drugs etc?

That's the thing, eh?
When you've got stuff on ya...

No sense "taking it all"

Like anything can "break open"
"inside you."

If it's already there.

I once took a bunch of pills
because I had them "on me"
at school.
And a teacher called the cops.

I didn't want to "flush them."
Which I should have done. 

I could have died. 
I was like a few away from death.

Women's jails...

Ever heard that women "sync" their periods?
IMAGINE ALL THE WOMEN
IN THE FKN JAIL
SYNCHING...

PMS CENTRAL.

But guys don't think about that.

And yeah, as much as guys don't want to admit
that they have a "hormonal cycle"
THEY FKN DO!

They don't "bleed" but they do
have a "hormonal cycle" too. 

EVEN IF THEY REFUSE TO ADMIT IT.

One neighbor was saying we've got "prison toilets"
because they "flush" like "rockets"
"They'll suck the bedsheets right out of your hand."
He was saying that about prison toilets. 

The only thing I know about prison toilets....

I was watching a documentary...

Where prisoners were exchanging messages
"kites" through the toilet "system."

And "talking" through the "pipes."

That's all I know.

That, and when I was in the "drunk tank" once...

There was a camera on me, in that cell.

Flipped them off every time I had to p*ss
because I knew they were watching me p*ss ffs.

The camera was outside the cell, 
but, directed "into" my cell. 

Anyway, that's all I know about prison toilets.
Not that it matters.

The cops are still out there.
Which means the guy's still up there.
Or they wouldn't still be out there.

And it's been over 10 hours, now.

If they are still here, tomorrow...
I'd be surprised. 

10 hours!!!
To get a dude off a roof?!

People on lower floors getting sirens
through the windows. 

They aren't blaring, but they are on. 
The lights are flashing. 

I'm not "awake" because of that.
I've been going to bed very "late"
in the mornings and waking up
closer to the evenings...

"Cr@ckhead time."

It's not "impossible" to "reset" from that...
It's just not the "easiest."

Hard to explain that. It's just not.

But I'm not up all night smoking cr@ck.

People who do, though, do it every single day.

It'd be nice to smoke some pot every day...
But when I don't have any, I don't have any.

Should it be the end of "the world" if I don't?

Or should I just take a "break" until I have some?

Y'know?

Just makes me think about that guy at the pot shop...
He told me that a guy came in there
as they were just closing...
And they aren't LEGALLY ALLOWED
TO SELL POT AFTER 11PM.

THE WHOLE SYSTEM "SHUTS DOWN" AT 11PM.

So a guy got so p*ssed that he couldn't buy any...
That they "refused" to sell it to him...

Not that they physically could...

The guy got so p*ssed off that he waited
outside in his truck
for the pot shop guy to leave
tried to "run him off the road" on his bike.
Tried to follow the guy to his door ffs.

ALL OVER FKN POT!!!!

AND THAT WAS A CHOICE.
TO WAIT ETC.

TO SIT THERE, WAITING FOR THE GUY
TO COME OUT, TO BE ON HIS WAY HOME...

BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE JUST SAID:
"I'LL COME BACK TOMORROW."

Now he's not allowed back, at that store.
All because he couldn't "contain" himself. 
OVER POT!!!!

IS IT "THE END OF THE WORLD"
THAT HE COULD HAVE JUST COME BACK
THE NEXT DAY?

THAT HE COULDN'T GET "HIGH"
THAT NIGHT?

THE THING IS THAT IF YOU SMOKE IT EVERY DAY...
YOUR TOLERANCE GOES UP.

SO YOU DON'T EVEN REALLY GET HIGH. 

You take a "break" from smoking it....
Enough of a break that you ACTUALLY GET HIGH....
THEN, YOU ACTUALLY GET HIGH.

That's what it's supposedly like with hard drugs.
"Chasing the dr@gon."

You don't get as "high" as the very first time.
Then, it takes "more and more"
just to get "high."

That's part of why people are overd0sing. 
That, and they didn't know better
THAN TO STAY TF AWAY FROM THAT SH*T.

I watched a video where the cops were responding
to a child who'd died.

Turns out he was exposed to "Grandma's drugs."
And overd0sed at 5 years old.

FIVE YEARS OLD.

PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS TOUCHING. 
BUT THAT'S ALL IT TOOK.

BUT SHE WAS "DOPE SICK" THE DAY
SHE WAS ASKED TO "WATCH" HER GRANDCHILDREN. 

SO SHE WENT TO GET SOME
THE DAY THEY WERE COMING OVER.
BEFORE THEY CAME OVER....

AND HAD SHE JUST FKN NOT....

And there was a case... Where a kid
got exposed to a drug
AT A FKN DAYCARE!

OVERD0SED 2 YEARS OLD.

THE DAYCARE WAS BEING USED
TO "PACKAGE DRUGS."

KID GOT "EXPOSED" TO IT.

DA FUQ EH?

And parents taking their kids to school....
Not thinking that could be the last time
they see their kid

because someone else's kid
thinks it's a "cool idea"
to take a gun to school. 

One video I watched...
There were 21 victims in that school shooting...

And cops were breaking the windows
of classrooms on the first floor...
Pulling kids out from the windows....

Telling them to run AWAY from the school....

AND ONE KID....
TELLING THE COP "THANK YOU."
FOR PULLING HIM OUT OF THERE....

O-town's had a school sh00ting. 
Was before I was born... 

Before it was a "thing."

2 or 3 people died. 

But it's not like this sh*t doesn't happen here, too. 
It already has. 

And that college in Montreal...
I forget when that was...

Why spiral downwards, though?

People forget they can spiral in the other direction. 
A matter of making better choices. 

Well, also, how can you "forget" something
that you're not "convinced" of?

People are "convinced" about the downward spiral. 
They see what that looks like
more than they see what the opposite looks like. 

It actually feels "good" just to feel "good."

And I wasn't "letting myself"
just feel "good" about ANYTHING.

DIDN'T SEE THE POINT IN IT.

WHAT WAS THERE TO FEEL "GOOD" ABOUT?
ALL THE BS?

That's where persuasion comes in...

YOU CAN PERSUADE YOURSELF
INTO "DARK" THOUGHTS.

AND OFTEN, IT DOESN'T TAKE "MUCH."

BUT IF THAT'S HOW YOU'RE "CHOOSING TO THINK."
THAT'S A CHOICE YOU'RE MAKING. 

JUST LIKE SELF-CONTROL'S A CHOICE.

The better you know, the better you can do
WITH WHAT YOU KNOW. 

I've been around people who couldn't
control themselves
BUT THEY ALL WANTED TO ACT
LIKE I WAS THE ONE WHO COULDN'T
AND COULDN'T BE TRUSTED TO.

You ever trust someone not to do something?
AND THEY TURNED AROUND
AND DID THE VERY THING
YOU TRUSTED THEM NOT TO DO???!!!

But... I could be in jail right now.
HAD I CHOSEN TO COME FOR THEM. 

ANY OF THEM. 
NOT JUST ALL OF THEM. 

Like I said before, I never asked
anyone to "pop off" on my behalf. 

"Popping off" never really changed a lot. 

Well, maybe in some cases...

Like when the Americans tried to "invade" Canada.
And we fkn burnt their White House to the ground. 

Was the was of 1812, pretty sure.

However, they "needlessly" tried to fk with us.

So we felt a "need" to make a "point."

And I'm pretty sure they received "the message."

And that "could have been avoided."
JUST LIKE A LOT OF OTHER BS.

"Oh, you didn't like that?"
"Then, stay tf on your side of "the line.""
"Or we'll show you WHY NOT TO FK WITH US."

I mean, they want to try AGAIN....
THEY CAN TRY...

BUT WE'RE NOT TAKING SH*T.
SO I FKN WOULDN'T. 

Besides that, southern Americans
aren't built for Canadian winters. 

And there's another reason most Canadians
don't "pack heat"
THEY BRING IT.
NO NEED TO "PACK IT."

SETTLE IT RIGHT, WITH FISTS
IF IT COMES TO THAT.

OTHERWISE, WORDS SHOULD BE ENOUGH
TO GET "THE POINT."

SHOULD "SUFFICE."
AND WELL....
SHOULDN'T NEED TO BE TOLD TWICE.

Like I said about Canadians...
There's a difference between being "nice"
and being "polite."

Two very different things.

And I can "use my manners"
BUT STILL MAKE A POINT. 

WHEN I "HAVE TO"
AND SHOULDN'T FKN "HAVE TO."

AND SOMETIMES MY POINT
MAKES ITSELF FFS.

WITHOUT ANY EFFORT ON MY PART.

THOSE ARE THE TIMES....
THAT... 

HIT A BIT DIFFERENT. 
BECAUSE I CAN SMILE AT THOSE MOMENTS
JUST KNOWING THE POINT
WAS SUCH A VALID POINT
IT MADE ITSELF. 

AND I NEVER HAD TO GO TO ANY "LENGTHS"
TO MAKE IT.

Well, most of the cops are gone, 
the ambulance is gone, too. 

I guess they got the guy down
after like 12 hours LOL.

Why half the department had to be here for it, though...

Pretty sure RCMP officers were here.
Their uniforms are different
from municipal officers' uniforms. 

Not that I was having a hard time sleeping... 

Just been up at night for other reasons... 
And getting a sore throat again. 

But, yeah... 

At least that is "over" now.

They'll be talking about it
until "the next thing" happens.

Which could be right around the corner... 
Who knows?

Someone said it's just an "appetizer."
FOR HOW WILD IT GETS IN THE SUMMER.

It's just my first few months, here.
Not even. 

But going from where I used to be....
When I lived blocks from here...

To where I am...
To where I will be...

Because I'm not where I was...

And before I even got there....

Although, I know anyone is just....
One thing away from... That.

And to get up from that?

Not easy. 
Easier to give tf up.
On everything. 

Could have given up on myself.
On life.
On everything.

And the point of that would have been what?

Just because that's "easy" to do?
Sure a lot of things are "easy to do."
Versus things that are "hard to do."

Have I been "tempted" to give up?
YES.
I TRIED TO K1LL MYSELF 6 TIMES.

WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE POINT?
JUST TO DIE AND SAY FK YOU ALL?

JUST NOT HAVE TO KEEP "COPING"
AND "HOPING"
AND NOTHING MUCH EVER CHANGING?

Sure, the BS stops. 
But so does the possibility...
ALL POSSIBILITIES.

NOT JUST ONE OR TWO. 
ALL OF THEM. 

And am I living for the "possibilities"?

Sometimes I don't know what is actually
"keeping me going" anymore.

Like "hope" doesn't really "feel"
"sufficient" "enough."

If that makes sense.

Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not. 

LOOK AT ALL THE TIMES I WAS HOPEFUL?
JUST TO GET FKN SH@T ON FFS.

AND EVEN WORSE THAN BEING SH@T ON....

But "let's remain hopeful" lol. 

Maybe that's just the cynical side of me...
Easy to be cynical, even. 

But then there are times that I'm deep in "my own zone"
and none of the bs bothers me as much as it usually does. 

For some sparce moments here and there.