Isn't An Excuse

Haven't really been "out and about" much lately.
Just been secluding myself at home.

I started down video rabbit holes.

I got a call about getting my money back.
That's finally getting resolved.

The other day, I was getting hungry
and I went to the grocery store around the corner.

A group hanging out in the front of the building, 
as per usual...

That lady, who told me about her son's wedding...
That she wasn't invited to...

Something's telling me to call her:
Printout lady.

Anyways, she was saying 
how I could use more 
"meat on my bones."

"You don't eat very much, do you?"

A guy chimed in... The guy who lives
under the guy next door...

The guy next door will be TGND.

Anyway, he chimed in:
"She doesn't have enough money to eat."

Been just trying to cover my bills, 
climb out of debt... 

When I've had money, it went to food
because it'd been a really long time
since I could just eat whatever I wanted to.

That's most of what I buy. Food.

When the money comes in, 
there are a few things I would like to do, though.

Been taking notes about a few things
that I'd like to get for this place.

A light for the bathroom's been on my list.
A light for the balcony.

I'd like to fix my Grandmother's framed picture.
It's not a picture of her, a picture she had
in a frame that hung in their living room. 

She knew I always loved that picture
so she gave it to me.

The frame needs to be repaired, though.
A place that can do it around the corner from here.

And getting my guitar restrung.

And getting an easel for the balcony.

It'll still be a while before I can get "art stuff,"
but I have sketchbooks, pencils etc.

I'm only starting to get back into it, 
so it's not like I'm going to go all
b@lls to the wall about it. 

It's just that, at some point,
I want to get some stuff set up.

So I'm just getting a few things here and there.

If "art guy" is at the open mic night, again, 
(I didn't go this week but eventually)
I'd like to talk more about "art stuff."

My brother's into some art stuff, too, 
but he and I don't talk a lot. 

More than I talk with my other brother, though. 

I managed to find a CK hoodie for my brother
and I'm giving it to him for his birthday.
I didn't buy it. I couldn't, 
but that's wayyyy too much money for anything. 
Let alone a hoodie.

Anyway, I found it, discarded...
Washed it up.

Was broke for his birthday, anyway.

I find some good stuff, sometimes.

Anyway, another thing I got him
was some practice ink...

He's got some fake skin to practice tattooing. 

My neighbor was all weirded out
at the thought of fake skin
and hadn't heard of it.

Pretty sure it's like latex and silicone.

I got the practice ink at the liquidation place.

Been forgetting about that place.

Today's the "cheap day."

Everything, except the appliances
is a set price
for each day of the week. 

And Fridays are the lowest price.

There's a place like it, in "Eastview" lol. 

It's not called "Eastview" anymore.
I like the name, so I call it that.
It's better than the current name.

Anyway, wouldn't hurt to go look at the place.

Doesn't mean I need to go buy anything I don't need.

The last things I bought there...
My "wolverine" "blades"

My neighbor said they'd be good for
pulled pork or "pulling" pork. 

The first thing I thought of when I saw them
was using them for "roving."

Other than picking up those things that I mentioned...

It'd be nice to "save up" for some things.

Like... One day... I'd like to get a spinning wheel. 
I'd also like to have a loom. 

I'd like to save up for a new computer.

Anyway, it's not like I "need" a lot. 
I don't "need" "art stuff."

It'd be nice to have an easel. 
Doesn't mean I "need" one.

And I'd be practicing in my sketchbook
before I ever buy a canvas.

The art store around the corner has
a variety of canvases, if I were to get any.

But, apart from drawing, 
I'd like to get back into carving and sculpting.

Been collecting "pieces" for a "piece"
for further down the "art line."

I haven't talked much about my 
"artistic inclinations"
apart from knitting and crocheting... 

For years and years I just stuck with those...
Then, I did some carving... 
For a while. 

I miss carving, actually.

It's mostly an "outdoor activity"
because carving with soapstone, 
it's a soft rock and the "powder"
gets EVERYWHERE.

I'd get "pre-drilled" pieces.
I had some soapstone
and I gave it to my friend
who has had it for years now...

He was "supposed to"
give me the Dremel bits he has "somewhere"

BUT NEVER TOOK THE TIME
TO JUST DO THAT...

Anyway, I have chisels, 
The Dremel needs new bits.

What I miss about carving is...
The "polishing" afterward.

Because... Depending on what you use...
And "technique..."
You can get soapstone crazily smooth. 
Like "glass."

The "trick" is to use the finest sandpaper
that you can get...

And you're doing it, barely, 
but the first thing is to "get the lines out."

Actually... The very first thing is to "round corners."

I usually do that stuff before I start to polish, 
but then it's to "get the lines out."

It's smoothing it until the lines don't show.

After that, when it's smoothed by sanding...

Use a "soft fabric" like "felt."

And the thing with getting the lines out...

I "wet" the stone to see the lines in it.
Otherwise, the "powder"
gets in the lines and you won't see them.

When it's completely polished, 
that's when you put oil on it.

I'm talking about an all-purpose oil, 
to shine it up...

I miss stuff like that.

Anyway, I'd brought it up to my friend
a bunch of times and he said
he'd help me with xyz etc...

JUST BUGS ME THAT WHEN
IT'S SOMETHING HE WANTS
HE JUST BRINGS IT UP
LIKE I SHOULD JUST...

BUT WHEN I EVER WANTED
ANYTHING...

JUST TO BE THOUGHT OF
SO THE THINGS LIKE
LOOKING FOR THOSE BITS
TO GIVE ME
FOR THAT
WOULD HAVE JUST HAPPENED...

Because he said he'd drill stems for me
for pipes and we'd get into that, together.

I had given him all my soapstone...
To do something with
and he still hasn't...

I haven't been calling him
or anyone. 

Leave it up to them to, if they want to, they will.
They haven't because they don't want to
or they just would, right?
No big deal?

So I haven't been going 
out of my way to call people anymore.

More or less explaining why I don't have any
soapstone, currently.

And I'd get pre-drilled pieces.

Because I can't count on anyone
WHO'S SAID THAT THEY'D DO
XYZ
TO ACTUALLY DO
XYZ.

Even when it's something like drilling, for me.

It's just something that I like doing, 
the carving part, and the polishing part...

I sold a few when I was 16.

But I rarely had the money to get more
soapstone, and other stuff came up.

And I have the chance to get back into other stuff.
To take a break from my usual "art stuff"
by doing different "art stuff."

And maybe I'll like it.

But definitely secluding myself more and more.

Nothing wrong with it.

Nobody can blame me for
minding my own business.

For not being up anyone's @ss....

I'm happy not to have to be up anyone's @ss
about that money, now.

I don't like having to be up anyone's @ss
about anything
and I'd rather not be
up anyone's @ss about anything.

AND IT'S USUALLY STUFF
THEY'D BE UP MY @SS ABOUT
IF IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE
GOT MY MONEY BACK
IF I HADN'T GOT UP THEIR @SS
ABOUT IT?

NO.

THEY WOULD HAVE STOOD
ON THEIR FKN IGNORANCE.
HAD I NOT CALLED THEM ON IT.

I DON'T LIKE HAVING TO DO THAT.
I DON'T LIKE BEING PUT IN A POSITION
TO HAVE TO DO THAT.

AND HAD I NOT,
I DEFINITELY WOULD NOT
BE GETTING MY MONEY BACK.

Anyway, the point was that I don't
like to be or want to be
up anyone's @ss about anything.

And when it comes to people
saying they'll do xyz, for me....

MOST OF THEM DON'T.

AND WHAT BUGGED ME, THE MOST
WAS THEY'D PUT ME ON THE SPOT
ABOUT SOMETHING THEY WANT.

Like when my friend broke up with his gf,
they both had to move from that place
because the guy who owned it
was selling the place...


BUT HE WAITED TO THE LAST MINUTE
TO ASK ME TO STAY WITH ME.

BECAUSE IF I SAID NO
HE'D HAVE "NOWHERE TO GO"
AND I'D BE A "BAD FRIEND."

WHEN HE LITERALLY
LEFT IT TO THE LAST MINUTE
JUST TO ASK ME.

JUST SO I'D SAY YES FFS.

Anyway, it just bugged me.
THAT I WAS JUST
EXPECTED TO BE THERE...

WHEN... WHO IS THERE FOR ME?

Like you refuse to remember my birthday
AND INVITE PEOPLE OVER
AFTER YOU INVITED ME OVER
TO IGNORE ME
AND "FORGET" I WAS THERE...

WHICH HAPPENED
AFTER I LET HIM FKN STAY WITH ME!!!!

Okay?

And the last time we "hung out"
he had been "hoping to hook up"

and tried giving me excuses as to why
we should just... No.

Don't do that sh*t.

Just because you want to xyz...
Doesn't mean you need to try to
talk whoever into doing xyz.

That's no excuse to try to do that sh*t.

It's that AFTER BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED
I DON'T FEEL LIKE HOOKING UP.

IS IT SUPPOSED TO TURN ME ON?
ARE EXCUSES SUPPOSED TO TURN ME ON?

"Here are all these excuses why we should xyz..."
So? I know they are excuses!

Am I supposed to be all like:
"Well, as long as there's an excuse to xyz..."?

And "convince" myself that an "excuse"
is a "good enough" "reason"
to just... xyz?

But why should anyone
who's been taken for granted
EVEN AS A FRIEND FFS

WANT TO BE ANYTHING MORE?
FOR THE "SAKE OF"
AN "EXCUSE"?

JUST TO GIVE SOMEONE
SOMETHING THEY WANT

WHEN THEY COULDN'T EVER REALIZE
WHAT VERY LITTLE I WANTED?

LIKE BEING TREATED LIKE
I'M SOMEONE WHO MATTERS
NOT JUST WHEN THEY WANT 
XYZ.
FROM ME.

SOMEONE WHO MATTERS ENOUGH
TO CALL UP
AND ASK HOW I'M DOING.

TO HONOR WHAT THEY SAID
THEY'D DO.

TO INVITE ME, TOO.

TO NOT IGNORE ME TO MY FACE
AND TRY TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT IT
RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

LIKE I WAS TOO STUPID
TO CATCH THAT...

Y'know? Like I mattered
ENOUGH NOT TO DO THAT SH*T TO.
EVEN AS A "JOKE."

LIKE WHAT I WANTED
WHICH WAS VERY BASIC
WHAT THEY'D WANT...

WAS ALWAYS JUST WAY TOO MUCH
TO ASK FOR
WHEN I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO
EVEN ASK FOR THAT.

Like if I'd treated anyone
WHO TREATED ME LIKE SH*T
THE WAY THEY TREATED ME....

THEY'D HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH
OF A REASON
NOT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.

AND IT WOULD BE INSANE OF ME
TO THINK THEY WOULD.

IF IT WERE REVERSED.

But they WAKE UP MUCH TOO LATE
WHEN THEY FINALLY REALIZE THAT, 
IF THEY EVER DO.

Like when they realize
I WAS RIGHT THERE, 
THE WHOLE TIME
THEY WERE BUSY BEING
SO FN SELFISH
THAT THEY WOULDN'T
AND REFUSED TO
ACKNOWLEDGE ME, EVEN.
BARELY.

But they realize that when I'm out of the picture.

Because they were so "used to me"
"just being there"
that I may as well not have been.

BECAUSE DID THEY GET TO KNOW ME?

DID THEY EVEN TREAT ME
LIKE A FKN PERSON?

Bugs me that I trusted
a bunch of really SELFISH people.

I only mattered when they wanted something.
From me.

When they didn't get what they wanted...
EVEN WHEN I AM NOT OBLIGATED
TO GIVE THEM FKN ANYTHING...

AND THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME
AS THOUGH
THEY REALIZED THAT.

BUT DID THEY?

Bugs me these have been my "close friends"
and even "family."

But when I stop calling them...
Stop "allowing" them to "be in" my life anymore
BECAUSE WHERE WERE THEY?
DID THEY CALL ME UP?

AND WHEN DO THEY?
WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING?

SO WHEN THEY DO CALL, 
YOU'RE WONDERING WTF DO THEY WANT?

IT'S NOT JUST TO SAY HI.

BUT IT COULD HAVE AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN
JUST TO SAY HI.

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN A CALL AWAY.

And trying to get some people to talk
is sometimes like pulling fkn teeth
just to have a conversation...

SO WHY BOTHER TRYING TO HAVE ONE?

Should be a natural thing to do, right?
I mean, if they are for real, right?

But it's like none of the people
I've "known" for years and years

really know me.

They know things about me, 
here and there, 

maybe they have some "idea"
of what "kind of" person I am, 

but that's not the same as
knowing someone.

At least, not to me.

I've lived with people
it turns out I never really "knew."

It's pretty scary thinking you know someone
enough to live with them, 
even to have a child with them, 
to find out you never really knew them. 

Someone was saying to me:
"I may have nice words, 
but that doesn't mean I'm good for you."

He was trying to explain how
just because anyone has "nice words"
doesn't mean they are "good for us."

Because he asked me if I lived here
because he hadn't seen me around.

So I said that I keep to myself. 
He said that's good because...

Anyone can have "nice words"
and not so "nice" intentions.

He was using himself as the example
when he said it, 
but I got what he meant by it.

But yeah, people can say all kinds of stuff...

They can even "act" one way with you
and actually be completely different.

I don't have the time to "act."

I'd just like to be myself...
And letting that just be the entire "agenda."
Just being myself.

I can kinda tell when someone's acting.
I can usually tell. 

And it bugs me because there's a reason
that they are doing it, 
or they wouldn't. 
Right?

And it's more about why they are doing it
than about doing it.

Anyway, just saying it bugs me.

Some people do it so much
that you can hardly tell they are doing it.

But what's scary is when they are so good at doing it
that you think they are for real
when they never were.

BECAUSE HAD THEY BEEN FOR REAL
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE
GONE OUT OF THEIR WAY
TO TREAT YOU
LIKE YOU DIDN'T MATTER
UNLESS THEY WANT SOMETHING.

DIDN'T MATTER ENOUGH
NOT TO DO XYZ TO...

It scares me because I trusted
certain people not to xyz.

WHO DEFINITELY DID XYZ.

I TRUSTED THEM NOT TO BE
ANYONE WHO WOULD XYZ.

AND THEY STILL DID.

BECAUSE THEY WERE
SOMEONE WHO WOULD.

AND I TRUSTED THEM NOT TO BE.

TO NOT BE SOMEONE WHO WOULD,
AND TO JUST... NOT.

AND?

DOES THAT MEAN I WANT TO TRUST?
SURE, PEOPLE WANT TO TRUST.
JUST LIKE I DID.
AND THOUGHT I COULD.

But just because I wanted to
AND THOUGHT I COULD...
Doesn't mean that I could!

OR I COULD HAVE, RIGHT?
LIKE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN
ABLE TO...

But just because we think
we should be able to...
Doesn't mean we actually are!

I had to learn this in brutal ways.
Talk about "wake up" calls...

When it's... Really personal...
It's really freaking hard. 

Even writing about some stuff
doesn't change anything that happened.

Doesn't change anything that happened, 
about what happened, or why...

And there definitely was a reason for it
or it wouldn't have happened. Right?

The fact that it even happened.....
And then knowing there was a reason...

And then... Being treated
like being "upset about it"
was me "just drunk" again...

AFTER BEING SOBER
FOR 10 YEARS - AT THAT POINT.

AND WHEN THEY'D HAVE
JUST AS MUCH OF A RIGHT
TO BE JUST AS "UPSET" AS ME.

IF IT WERE THEM.

BUT IT'S NOT.

AND THEY SHOULD ALL BE
THANKFUL IT ISN'T.

BUT IF IT WERE THEM, 
THEY'D BE "LIVID" RIGHT?

But me being or acting upset about anything
is me being "just drunk"
which kinda p*sses me off. 

BUT I'M NEVER 'MAKING ANY SENSE'
BECAUSE EVERYONE WOULD RATHER
TRY TO FKN ARGUE WITH ME
THAN FKN LISTEN TO ME.

I think I'm doing a pretty decent "job"
"articulating" myself. 

Like if the things I write "make sense"
WHY WOULDN'T THEY 
"MAKE SENSE"
WHEN I'M FKN SAYING THEM?

Because it's "easier" to try to
talk down to me
like I "make no sense"
so I "must be" "drunk" etc.

THAT TO LISTEN
AND ACKNOWLEDGE
ANYTHING I'M FKN SAYING.

BUT THEN LOOK BACK?
LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME?

YEAH, AND THEY COULD HAVE.
BUT DID THEY?

Nope. Easier to assume I'm this or that
INSTEAD OF LISTENING
TO ANYTHING I SAY
AND THEN EXPECT ME
TO BE ALL HAPPY
THAT YOU'RE NOT?

That's what happened to me a billion times.

BUT HAD THEY LISTENED TO ME
99% OF IT
WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.

And what I had to say should have been enough.
FOR THAT TO HAVE NOT HAPPENED.

BUT I WAS THE ONE
"NOT TO BE TRUSTED" THOUGH.

ALL BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.

I GOT "PUNISHED" FOR SAYING ANYTHING
ABOUT IT.

FOR JUST TRYING TO "STAND UP FOR MYSELF."
BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE WAS, I HAD TO.

AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED FOR DOING THAT!

GOT TREATED LIKE A FKN THREAT.
LIKE I'M "UNSTABLE"
LIKE I'M "JUST DRUNK" ALL THE TIME FFS.

Can't "take the risk" that I'm not "completely fkn crazy" right?
SO WHY NOT JUST USE THAT AS AN "EXCUSE"
TO DO WHATEVER THE FK YOU WANT
LIKE I HAVE NO RIGHTS, RIGHT?

Meanwhile THE PERSON WHO CAN'T BE TRUSTED
WAS BEING TREATED LIKE HE COULD BE, RIGHT?

AND WHAT HAPPENED?

THEY WERE GIVEN THE FKN OPPORTUNITY
TO FKN DO WHAT THEY DID.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE WHO COULDN'T BE TRUSTED?!

OR THEY ASSUME THAT ABOUT ME?
JUST LIKE THEY ASSUMED 
HE COULD BE?

LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WAS, THOUGH.

Wouldn't that p*ss you off?

BUT BEING P*SSED OFF ABOUT IT
ABOUT BEING TREATED
LIKE YOU CAN'T BE TRUSTED
JUST BECAUSE OF THE FACT
THAT IT P*SSES YOU OFF
TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT...

IF YOU WERE LITERALLY INSULTED...
LIKE INSULTED BY THE MEANS OF
INSULTING YOUR CHARACTER, 
AS A PERSON, 

THEN TREAT YOU LIKE
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
TO BE P*SSED ABOUT THAT...

AND USE IT AGAINST YOU...

You don't know what that's like
unless it happens to you.

AND THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN
TO EVERYONE
SO TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHY IT'D HAPPEN TO ME...

I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE...

I really think it was a test to see how far
I'd "take it..."

BECAUSE I HAD NEVER BEEN
SO ANGRY AS WHEN THAT HAPPENED.

At that point...

And then, when that happened....

When a few things...

I wanted to RAGE. 
BUT WHAT WOULD RAGING HAVE DONE?
MAKE ME LOOK "STABLE"?

OR WOULD IT'D HAVE "MADE" ME LOOK
THE WAY THEY WERE TRYING TO MAKE ME SEEM
AS A "JUSTIFICATION"
FOR DOING WHAT THEY DID?

IF I CAN GET THROUGH
THE HARDEST TIMES ON MY OWN...

WITHOUT ALOHOL...

Then, I never "needed" alcohol
to "get through" anything.

It was just something I did and kept doing
(drinking)
being it was easy to just drink
and wallow in my misery.

IT NEVER FIXED OR CHANGED ANYTHING.

NOT EVEN RAGE DRINKING.

I'd get so "livid" that I'd want to drink.
BUT DRINKING DIDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

But at the time, that's what I did.

But drinking didn't change the fact
I had reasons to be "livid."

But my "reasons"
were "overshadowed"
by the fact I was "just drunk."

Even that p*sses me off.

BUT IF I SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT...

THEY'D JUST TREAT ME LIKE THAT
SOME MORE.

IF I MATTERED, 
THEN WHAT I HAD TO SAY WOULD HAVE MATTERED
AND I WOULDN'T HAVE
EVER BEEN
TREATED LIKE THAT.

BUT IT'S COOL OF THEM TO ASSUME WHATEVER
AND THEN TO JUST DO WHATEVER,
THOUGH.

I have written bits and pieces of it over the years.
Am I bitter about it? Maybe a bit.

BECAUSE THAT WAS SO FKD UP.
TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT...

ALL OF IT WAS.

And to have as much self control
that I've had about it...

As I've had about it...

AND MAYBE IT WAS FOR THAT
OR MAYBE I WOULD HAVE
REALLY
ACTUALLY

USED ALL OF THAT AS AN EXCUSE
TO "JUSTIFY" THE THINGS

THAT RAN THROUGH MY MIND,
AT TIMES.

I knew I had no right to do those things.
No amount of "anger" "justified" doing any of it.

Even though I was justifiably angry.
Anyone would be.

But that isn't an "excuse" to xyz.

JUST BEING ANGRY ISN'T AN EXCUSE.
BEING JUSTIFIABLY ANGRY
IS STILL NOT AN EXCUSE.

I had a lot of dark thoughts.
Because I wanted to "get back at"
certain people...

BUT NONE OF THEM ARE WORTH IT.

EVERYTHING WE DO HAS CONSEQUENCES.
TYPICALLY.

EVEN PEOPLE WHO SEEM TO JUST
GET AWAY WITH DOING
WHATEVER THEY WANT TO...

IT COMES BACK TO THEM.

IN SOME FORM.

JUST BECAUSE WE'RE NOT THERE TO SEE IT...
DOESN'T MEAN THEY DON'T GET THEIRS.
AT SOME TIME.

I'd like to see it...

PEOPLE WHO SET ME UP TO FAIL...
FAILING. FALLING HARD.
ON THE SWORD THEY DREW
ON ME.

NOT TO LAUGH OR MAKE FUN OF THEM.
OR FOR THE SATISFACTION OF IT.

But I guess what I'm saying is that I don't have to see it
TO KNOW IT WILL HAPPEN.

AND I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN THAT DOES HAPPEN.

The "lesson" was for me to "learn"
that I don't have to be "teaching"
anyone a "lesson."

Even if I think I "could"
or ever felt like I "should"

IT WASN'T FOR ME TO DO.

AS HARD OF A THING THAT WAS FOR ME.

BECAUSE THERE WERE TIMES I REALLY DID
WANT TO TEACH MANY PEOPLE
MANY LESSONS.

But the ways I wanted to do that
probably weren't "healthy."

Let's just say that I really wanted to
DRIVE HOME THE POINT

OF WHY THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE.
EVER EVEN TRIED.

But going as far as I "could have" gone...
SINCE I'M "CRAZY"
AND "CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF"...

WOULD HAVE JUST "MADE" ME "LOOK"
THE WAY THEY WANTED TO "MAKE" ME "SEEM."

THAT IS THE "TRAP", THE "GAME."

They literally insult and taunt you, 
to "push you"
as close to the "edge" as they can...

TO SEE WHAT YOU WILL DO.

AND IF YOU DO WHAT THEY WANTED YOU TO.
IF YOU REACT THE WAY THEY ARE
TRYING TO GET YOU TO ACT

THEY USE IT AGAINST YOU.

THEY CAN SAY SH*T THAT'S NOT TRUE
AND USE IT AGAINST YOU.

And things I've said that are true
been used against me...

So what did it matter what I said?
NOT LIKE THEY LISTEN, RIGHT?