It Goes To Show

It goes to show... A lot of the time. 
People you think you could trust...
And you tell them something... In confidence...
And they "unfriend" you.
"Family" even. 

AND THIS IS WHY I RARELY
TELL ANYONE ANYTHING. 

BECAUSE THEY ALL
JUDGE TF OUT OF ME.

ESPECIALLY "FAMILY."
FOR WHAT?
TRUSTING YOU ENOUGH
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING?

Something deeply personal. 

But it just goes to show.

AND IS AN EXAMPLE...
OF WHY I DON'T TELL PEOPLE THINGS.

AND WHEN I TELL SOMEONE SOMETHING, 
IT'S BECAUSE I FKN TRUST THEM
ENOUGH TO TELL THEM. 

AND THE ONE PERSON
I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST
ENOUGH NOT TO FKN JUDGE ME...

GOES AND "UNFRIENDS" ME.

I only noticed because his name came up
in "suggested people"
with "add friend."

which said he "unfriended" me.
Or it wouldn't have said "add friend."

I'm not bitter about it...
Just saying that it goes to show
who's really down for you and who isn't.
Never was... 

Anyway, my neighbor said he thought I was mad at him again. 
I guess my phone wasn't working or something. 

He tried to call me a couple of times
and my name came up on the couch list
but they had to call the next person
because for whatever reason, 
I wasn't getting their calls.
Or my neighbor's calls...

He said he got hired by "Needle Hunters."

Two guys from here already work for them. 
So he got in that way. 

Told me they are looking for cleaners...

When someone's been a cleaner for many years...
They might not want to be a cleaner anymore lol. 

Kind of like how he's been a painter for many years
and doesn't want to be a painter anymore.

I've got some plans in the works...
Stuff I don't want to discuss yet...
If at all.

Why would I want to talk to any of my "family"
or anyone, really?

But I'm starting to think he did tell whoever
what I told him. 

Even though I asked him to keep it between him and I.

BECAUSE I KNEW EVERYONE
WOULD FKN JUDGE ME.

FOR SOMETHING THAT WASN'T MY FKN CHOICE.

AT THE TIME I TOLD HIM, I WAS SEETHING.

MAYBE I WAS COUNTING ON HIM TO SAY
SOMETHING, ANYTHING. 

NOT TO JUDGE ME
AND CAST ME ASIDE.

NEVER THOUGHT HE WOULD, 
BUT DID ANYWAY.

WHICH IS OKAY.
BECAUSE I'LL REMEMBER THAT.

WHEN I WAS AT MY FKN LOWEST...
ALL BECAUSE I WAS AT MY LOWEST...

IF IT WAS HIM COMING TO ME
ABOUT FKN ANYTHING...

I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE HIM LIKE THAT.
ESPECIALLY ABOUT THAT.

But yeah, judge me
WHEN I DID ALL I WAS *LEGALLY*
"ALLOWED TO DO"

I WENT THE "LEGAL" ROUTE.

OTHERWISE? WHAT EXACTLY?
WHERE'D I BE RIGHT NOW?

Somewhere I couldn't just walk out of... 
NO MATTER HOW "JUSTIFIABLE" IT'D BE.

BUT WHATEVER. 

JUST TOSS ME ASIDE
LIKE I'M THE ONE WHO DID THAT SH*T.
I WASN'T. BECAUSE I WOULDN'T.

AND OBVIOUSLY NOBODY GAF
WHAT I HAD WANTED
OR THEY WOULDN'T HAVE
TREATED ME THE WAY THEY DID.
ALL OF THEM.
EVEN MY "MOST TRUSTED"
"FAMILY MEMBER."

SO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
WHY I DON'T GO INTO DETAILS ABOUT MY LIFE?

GREAT DETAILS. 

DETAILS THAT I WISH WEREN'T DETAILS
ABOUT MY LIFE.

BECAUSE OF SH*T LIKE THAT.

BUT GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO "UNFRIEND ME" LOL.

NEVER "HAD TO" BE FRIENDS WITH ANYONE
ON THERE.

I WAS ONLY A "STEPCHILD" IF THAT.
SO WHY'D I BE LOOKED AT
AS ACTUAL "FAMILY" RIGHT?

So there you have it.
Why I don't TRY to be close with anyone.

AND THE ONE PERSON I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST...

JUST BLEW ME OFF LIKE THAT
AND IS ACTING LIKE I'M NOT WORTH
BEING "ASSOCIATED WITH"
ON "SOCIAL MEDIA."

So you want to really know why I don't, now?

WHY SHOULD I?

TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT
WHEN I REALLY NEEDED SOMEONE?

BY "FAMILY" LOL.

So when things start "rocking,"
don't come "knocking."

WHEN YOU DITCHED ME
AT MY LOWEST...

DON'T COME LOOKING FOR ME
WHEN THINGS PICK UP FOR ME.

ESPECIALLY "FAMILY"
THAT DOES THAT SH*T.
FUQ DAT.

And nope. Don't want to be
"part of the family" anymore.

I used to want that, 
but the more and more and more
I got treated like that... 

THE LESS AND LESS AND LESS
I WANTED TO "FIT IN."

Like how my cousin's gf acted
when I sat next to them at a funeral ffs.

Just acting like they are all too good for me.

Me not wanting to have anything much to do with them, now
is from years and years and years of
"unending" exclusion. 

YOU WANT TO ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW ME?
THEN, YOU DON'T AND WON'T LOL. 

Like I "have to" let anyone be "a part" of "my life"
AFTER YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS
OF DOING THIS TYPE OF SH*T TO ME...

AND WHEN I DO... THIS?
YEAH. THIS IS WHY.

I'm not even angry. I'm disappointed. 
But why should I be surprised?

Should I be surprised that after all these years
he had me thinking I could trust him?

NOT TO TREAT ME THE WAY
EVERYONE ELSE
IN THE "FAMILY"
TREATED ME.

Fkn disappointing but not surprising. 
Very disappointed, but now I know.

Knowing's a good thing. 

When it comes to that.

I'd rather someone be "real"
and be just that ignorant...

THAN TO PRETEND
THEY EVEN EVER CARED ABOUT ME, PERIOD.

BUT WHEN I'M DOING "BETTER" FOR MYSELF...
NOBODY FROM MY "FAMILY"
BETTER ASK ME FOR A DAMN THING.

THEY "ALL" HAD A CHANCE TO BE "IN" MY LIFE.

AND I WAS RIGHT THERE. THE WHOLE TIME.

BUT "DIDN'T" "SEE ANYTHING IN ME."
NOTHING TO SEE.

NOT THAT I'M A PERSON
OF A COUSIN OR ANYTHING, RIGHT?

I HOPE THEY ALL "UNFRIEND" ME, ACTUALLY.
EVERYONE WHO'S NEVER BEEN
AN ACTUAL FRIEND, PERIOD.

THEN THEY CAN'T SAY SH*T
ABOUT ME DOING IT TO THEM. 

Wtf do I even really have it for?

FOR A LONG TIME I DIDN'T HAVE IT.
I HAD GIVEN IT UP
LONG BEFORE I "MET" IRONHEART...

I just deleted the fkn thing for years...
If people wanted to contact me, 
I have other ways to contact me...

YOU WANT A WAY TO FEEL "ALONE"
JUST GET "OUTCASTED" BY YOUR OWN
"FAMILY."

Honestly, I've always been alone. 
Just sh*t like that brings it "home" to me.

Shouldn't even "matter" anymore, though. 
WHY WOULD I WANT TO "FIT IN"
WITH PEOPLE WHO DO THAT SH*T?

BUT "UNFRIEND" ME LIKE I DON'T "EXIST"
AND NEVER DID LOL.

BUT WHEN ANYONE NEEDS ANYTHING
FROM ME, IN THE FUTURE....

THEY CAN THINK ON
WHY I HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY NO LOL.

SAID NO ON MY EXISTENCE, EVEN LOL.
LIKE I DON'T "EXIST" RIGHT?

BECAUSE I "SPOKE" TO YOU?
AND TOLD YOU SOMETHING?

WOW. K'KNOW?

And the people who don't do that sh*t...
THEY GET TREATED LIKE THIS AND WORSE?

TO THE POINT THEY WALK AWAY
FROM FKN EVERYONE....

AND DOING MY OWN THING
MEANS I WON'T "OWE" THEM FKN ANYTHING.

I "MEANT NOTHING"
WHILE I WAS "NOTHING" RIGHT?

SO WHY SHOULD I BE "SOMETHING"
JUST FOR BEING "SOMETHING"?

But this is exactly why I don't bother anymore.

A long time ago, I tried, but I gradually stopped.
AND IF I HAVE ANY REASON NOW....

BUT I'M "NOT LIKE THAT."
THEY COULD HAVE COME TO ME.
"FAMILY" AFTER ALL, RIGHT?

But why should I be "available" now?
WERE THEY?
ESPECIALLY WHEN I NEEDED THEM?
TO JUST FKN UNDERSTAND?

BUT HOW COULD THEY FKN UNDERSTAND SH*T?

DID THEY HAVE TO LIVE THIS SH*T? NO?
SO HOW'D THEY KNOW?

BUT IF THEY WERE EVER "UNFRIENDED"
BY A "FAMILY" MEMBER...

THEY TRUSTED...

AS THOUGH THEY WERE A "NOBODY..."

WAY TO SAY "I'M HERE FOR YOU, A***."

I'm not going to any "family" thing I'm "invited" to. 
And it's only my mom inviting me sometimes.

Like they wouldn't invite me for Thanksgiving, 
but wanted me to go for Christmas.

NOT THAT IT MATTERS,
BUT WHY INVITE ME FOR CHRISTMAS
IF YOU COULDN'T OR WOULDN'T THINK OF ME
ANY OTHER TIME OF THE YEAR?

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT ME
TO BE ALONE ON CHRISTMAS?

LOL!

BUT COOL IF I'M "ALONE" FOR
THANKSGIVING
WHEN THE "REST" OF THE "FAMILY"
ALL GETS "TOGETHER."

RIGHT?

That's why I don't go anymore and won't be.

THEY CAN LIVE THEIR LIVES FINE
WITHOUT ME

SO NOBODY BETTER COME TO ME
ALL OF A SUDDEN
LIKE THEY ALWAYS FKN CARED ABOUT ME
BECAUSE I KNOW THEY DON'T.

IF THEY DID, IT WOULD HAVE SHOWN.
I'D HAVE HAD THEM IN MY LIFE.
ALL ALONG.

NOT JUST WHEN I "BECOME" "SOMETHING."

But they all know why or should know why, by now.

WHEN YOU LITERALLY GO THROUGH
YOU HARDEST TIMES "ALONE"
ALL YOUR FKN LIFE...

PEOPLE WALKING AWAY
IS A FKN RELIEF.

ONE LESS PERSON TO LET YOU DOWN.
IN ANY WAY.
NOT JUST A MAJOR WAY.

IN ANY WAY, AT ALL.

I used to want to "fit in"
and be "close" with my "family"
have some fkn "respect" for once in my fkn life...

NOW, AFTER YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS
OF THIS KIND OF SH*T....

I DGAF ABOUT THAT ANYMORE.

AND I'D RATHER BE "ALONE"
THAN "PART" OF A "FAMILY"
THAT'D FKN TURN THEIR BACK ON ME
FOR NO FKN REASON.

OR "FRIENDSHIP."
FUQ DAT.

Being "forced" to be "alone"
taught me I never NEEDED ANY OF THEM.

SO THEY BETTER NOT "NEED" ME, EVER.

BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE HAD THEIR BACK
HAD THEY BEEN "THERE." 

AND THAT'S ALL THEY HAD TO DO.
JUST BE "THERE"
AND NOT TREAT ME LIKE THAT.

THAT'S ALL.

Not a lot to "ask" really.
And "family" shouldn't have to "ask"
to be "included" or "cared about."

Definitely shouldn't be made to feel
LIKE THEY HAVE TO FKN BEG 
FOR FKN DECENCY, THOUGH.

IS IT A LOT TO ASK JUST TO BE DECENT?

OF "FAMILY"?

I'm not "blood" so why should he "care."
Right?

If I was, though...

But when things start going my way....
And "news travels"
DON'T TRY TO BE ALL LIKE:
"YEAH! SHE'S MY COUSIN."

OR SHE'S XYZ TO ME...

BECAUSE YOU STOPPED BEING XYZ TO ME
BECAUSE YOU CHOSE THAT.

IF I'VE BEEN A "NOBODY" TO YOU, 
I'M STILL A NOBODY TO YOU.

YOU CAN'T JUST "CLAIM"
TO "KNOW ME"
OR BE "TIGHT" WITH ME

WHEN YOU WEREN'T.
IN YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS.

WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE TO BE
FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS.

That kind of sh*t p*sses me off.
NOT ANYONE WALKING AWAY FROM ME.

WHAT P*SSES ME OFF
IS THEM DOING IT
AND TRYING TO ACT
LIKE THEY NEVER DID.

THAT THEY WERE COOL WITH ME
THE WHOLE FKN TIME.

And coming to me when they WANT something.

What did I want? Understanding?
To feel "included" until I stopped gaf?

In my own "family" lol.

That's what I wanted. A long time ago.
So why go for anything "family-related"?

Just so they can look down their noses at me?

If any of them ever come to me for help with anything...
I don't even have to reply. 

It just makes me feel like I should have
turned my back completely.

But, I don't do that kind of thing.
That's why the door was "open"
and I was letting them "come to me"
if they wanted to.

AND WHEN I WENT TO HIM, 
THAT'S WHAT HE DID.

SO THAT'S NOT FOR ME.
OR HE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.

AND IT'S NOT JUST HIM, 
IT'S BEEN MOST OF THEM.

SO HE MADE HIS CHOICE.

WHEN I'M MAKING THINGS HAPPEN, 
THE ONES WHO WANTED TO ACT
LIKE THEY DON'T KNOW ME....

I CAN ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW THEM EITHER LOL.

HE SAID HE'S MY COUSIN? LOL.
YEAH, MY MOTHER MARRIED HIS UNCLE.

BUT YOU PUSH PEOPLE TOO FAR TO THE OUTSIDE
THEY'LL START TO LIKE BEING
ON THE OUTSIDE LOL.

FAR AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO OUTCAST PEOPLE.
WHO ARE SUPPOSEDLY "FAMILY." LOL.

I'LL OUTCAST MYSELF FROM THE OUTCASTERS. LOL.

If he was just going to fkn do that, 
WHY DID HE WAIT THIS LONG TO DO IT?

TO GIVE ME "FALSE HOPE"
OF EVER BEING "ACCEPTED"
IN A "FAMILY"
THAT NEVER "ACCEPTED" ME?

And why would I want to be "accepted" now?

SO NOBODY BETTER EVER COME TO ME
WHEN I HAVE SH*T GOING MY WAY
TO EVER BE ALL LIKE:
"SORRY FOR TREATING YOU
LIKE YOU DIDN'T EXIST."

"NOW WE'LL ACCEPT YOU
BECAUSE YOU HAVE MONEY."

OR WHATEVER THEIR "REASON"
FOR "FINALLY ACCEPTING ME" WOULD BE.

NOW THAT THEY CAN SHOVE THEIR ACCEPTANCE
UP THEIR @SSES.

BECAUSE IF I WAS A "RICH KID"
WHO NEVER HAD TO WANT FOR FKN ANYTHING...
NO PROBLEM ACCEPTING ME, RIGHT?

But to tell the truth... AND THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT...
THINK I WANTED TO FKN LIVE IT, THOUGH?

AND IF THEY "HAD TO" LIVE IT...
AND BE "OUTCASTED" LIKE I'VE BEEN....

HOW'D THEY "TAKE IT"?
LIGHTLY?

OR WOULD THEY HAVE "SNAPPED"
BY NOW?

PROBABLY WOULD HAVE "SNAPPED" BY NOW.

I MEAN, AFTER YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS...
DECADES, EVEN.

OF THE SAME SH*T.

But, I'm not saying it's an excuse to "snap."
I'm not "promoting" "snapping" in any way.

I'm just saying that if other people
even went through a fkn quarter
of the sh*t I have "had to" go through...

THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T WANT TO BE SO
"FORTHCOMING" AND "WELCOMING"
LIKE THEY ONCE WERE
YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS AGO

WHEN ALL THEY WANTED
WAS TO JUST BE FKN INCLUDED.

Just respected and cared about.
Like a what? A family member?

But you know what?
Being excluded "pushed" me "away"
from the "status quo."

AWAY FROM PEOPLE
WHO ACT LIKE THAT
AND PRETEND NOT TO.

LIKE "YOU CAN TRUST ME
NOT TO DO THAT TO YOU, TOO"

AND THEN PULL THE RUG RIGHT OUT...
FROM UNDERNEATH ME...

SO AM I SURPRISED ANYMORE?
OR AM I JUST FKN TIRED
AND DISAPPOINTED?

I'M TOO OLD FOR PEOPLE
PRETENDING TO ACTUALLY GAF.

TO TURN AROUND LIKE THEY NEVER DID, TOO.

I EXPECTED IT FROM EVERYONE
WHO WAS IN MY FACE ABOUT IT, 

BUT HE WASN'T LIKE THAT.

THAT'S WHY I TRUSTED HIM
NOT TO BE LIKE THAT.
TO ME.

BUT... GUESS I WAS WRONG ABOUT HIM, TOO.

Going to the "family" things were "barable"
because if he was there....

HE'D AT LEAST TALK TO ME.

BUT TO PULL THAT?

NO. THEY CAN HAVE "THEIR FAMILY" WHATEVERS.
I DON'T NEED TO BE THERE.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE?
FOR THAT SH*T?

FOR ANY OF ANYONE'S SH*T?

NO. IF YOU WANTED TO TREAT ME
LIKE I'M "NOTHING" TO YOU,
I'LL BE "NOTHING" TO YOU.

I DON'T HAVE TO BE ANYTHING 
TO ANYONE.

IF YOU ALREADY TREATED ME LIKE THAT...
THEN YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?

FUQ DAT.

IF THEY REGRET IT, ONE DAY, 
THAT'S ON THEM. 

HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

BECAUSE IF IT HAD, THEY'D HAVE WHAT?
BEEN THERE FOR ME?

IN THE LOWEST, HARDEST TIMES
OF MY FKN LIFE?

AND WHEN I WAS THERE, FOR EVERYONE
WHO EVEN NOTICED I WAS THERE?

SOMEONE WHO FELT BAD?
THAT EVERYONE ELSE WAS EXCLUDING ME?
NOT BAD ENOUGH
NOT TO TURN HIS BACK ON ME, THOUGH.

BUT WHY NOT? EVERYONE ELSE DID
FROM THE FKN JUMP
AND MADE IT OBVIOUS, TOO.

THAT'S WHAT BUGGED ME THE MOST.

DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU CARED ALL ALONG, THOUGH.

ESPECIALLY AFTER IGNORING ME TO MY FACE.
FOR DECADES.

But when A*** has something going on...
And YOU want to be included...

AND YOU COULD HAVE BEEN INCLUDED.
HAD YOU BEEN DECENT ENOUGH TO ME
NOT TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT...

BECAUSE I WASN'T ASKING FOR A LOT.
EVER.

WHAT DID I EVER ASK ANYONE FOR?
HELP? ONCE OR TWICE IN MY LIFE?

AND THE ONES WHO WOULDN'T...
IN A SERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCE...

WHEN "FAMILY" IS SUPPOSED TO BE "THERE."
FK THAT IF YOU'RE NOT "BLOOD" RIGHT?
AND IF YOU ARE?

FK THAT TOO, I GUESS.

BECAUSE WHY SHOULD ANYONE "CARE" EH?

It makes me feel "alone" sometimes.
BUT OTHER TIMES IT MAKES ME FEEL
"FREE" OF ANYONE'D WHO'D DO THAT.

MAKE SENSE?

JUST WHY TF DRAG IT OUT?
IF YOU REALLY DON'T GAF
AND YOU'RE GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON ME
WHY DRAG THAT SH*T OUT?

JUST TO TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ME, TOO?

OR TO TRY NOT TO "FEEL BAD" ABOUT DOING IT, TOO?

They may as well ALL do it, all at once,
and get it over with. 

WHY DRAG IT OUT FOR YEARS
ACTING LIKE THEY WOULDN'T DO IT, TOO
JUST TO DO IT, TOO?

That's what bugs me.
IF YOU'RE NOT DOWN FOR ME, 
DON'T TRY TO "PRETEND" TO BE
OR WHATEVER.

YOU EITHER ARE OR YOU'RE NOT.
IF YOU'RE NOT, THEN DON'T "FAKE IT"
JUST TO BE ALL TWO-FACED.

And it bugs me that when they "hear" something
about me, through "the grape vine"
like me climbing out of the slump people
"boxed me into"
by putting me in whatever box they put me in
to judge tf out of me for decades....

THEN THEY HAVE A "CHANGE OF HEART"
ABOUT ME.

AND REALIZE I WAS NEVER 
WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF ME AS...

BUT... TOO LATE! TOO BAD!
GUESS YOU NEVER "SAW" ANYTHING IN ME...

SO WHY "SEE" "SOMETHING IN ME" NOW?
Suddenly... LOL.

"Never saw you like this..."
Or whatever "excuse" they had...

OF COURSE NOBODY SAW ME AS ANYTHING. 
SEEING ME AS ANYTHING
WOULD HAVE TAKEN THEM
TO LOOK AT ME AS ANYTHING.

WHICH THEY REFUSED TO DO.

SO IS IT MY FAULT FOR NOT CARING, NOW?
OR IS THE REASON I DON'T CARE, NOW, 
BECAUSE OF HOW THEY TREATED ME, 
HISTORICALLY?

And he hadn't treated me like that.
AND I REALLY DIDN'T THINK HE WOULD HAVE.

THAT'S WHY I'M SHOCKED, 
BUT I REALLY SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.

JUST TOO OLD FOR PEOPLE
WHO AREN'T TOO OLD FOR THAT SH*T.

AND IF THAT'S THE CHOICE THEY WANTED TO MAKE....
THAT'S THEIR CHOICE TO MAKE...

But they have to realize what choice I have a right to make.
BECAUSE OF THE CHOICES THEY ALL MADE.
ABOUT ME.

And if they really want to be like that, they can.
BUT JUST REMEMBER THAT I WAS THERE
THE WHOLE TIME.
FOR YEARS.
AND YEARS.

AND I NEVER HAD TO BE THERE, AT ALL.

BUT WHY WAS I?

BECAUSE IT'S SHITTY TO PRETEND
TO FKN "CARE" ABOUT SOMEONE?

WHO NOBODY ELSE DOES
BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE DOES...

JUST TO FKN DO THAT SH*T.

But that was their choice and people who make their choices, 
about me....

CAN'T JUST "CHANGE THEIR MINDS" ABOUT ME
LIKE THEY ALWAYS CARED.

BECAUSE IF THEY ACTUALLY DID, 
THEY WOULD HAVE SHOWN THAT.

DID THEY? NO?

WOULDN'T EVEN SIT NEXT TO ME
AT A FKN FUNERAL FFS.

AT A FKN FUNERAL!!!!

WAS I THERE TO BE YOUR FRIEND? NO.
BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TREAT ME
LIKE THAT.

So yeah, I'm not "close" to fkn anyone.
The people I "wanted" to be "close" to...

ALL TREATED ME LIKE I DIDN'T FKN EXIST.

OFTEN WHEN I WAS RIGHT FKN THERE.

SO ASK ME IF I WANT TO BE
"CLOSE" TO ANYONE ANYMORE?

NO. I DON'T.
WHY WOULD I?