Up All Night

Sometimes I stay up all night.
Just so I can do something
important the next day
or so I can go to bed early the next day.

Sometimes it's just quiet at night
with most people sleeping.

Just space and time, alone, to think.
To do what I want to do.

To write all night, if I want to.

And also because...
If I take my meds too late, 
I'll be out for most of the next day...

Someone knocked at my door at noon, 
one day last week...
I was still "medicated."

We had a fire alarm one night, 
after taking my medication...

I got my shoes on and stood there
like a fkn zombie, 
sleeping standing up.

So, sometimes I stay up all night.

I get "manic" and "neurotic"
if I'm up all day, up all night, 
and up the next day...

Which isn't necessarily a bad thing...

Just makes me want to clean my apartment
or do other things...

But mostly do neurotic things neurotically...

AND WHEN I DO CRASH, AFTER THAT, 
I CRASH PRETTY HARD.

Nobody's said anything about me snoring too loud, though.
At least not yet...

I try to be quiet, when I'm conscious. Awake lol. 

And I don't blast my stereo too loud, or too late.
Even on a weekend. 

If I can hear it, it's good enough for me.
PEOPLE 10 BLOCKS FROM HERE
DON'T NEED TO BE HEARING IT LOL. 

I MOSTLY HAVE MUSIC PLAYING. 
When I'm cleaning, or working on something, 
or just want to chill. 

My neighbor... He hasn't heard of some of the bands.
I have some cassettes of obscure bands.

Some of them, I really like. 
At least one song on each cassette, I guess.

Been wearing some cassettes out, I guess.

But there's something about hearing the music
on a stereo, from a cassette
opposed to hearing it online. 

Hard to explain what it is, exactly.

But, to me, there's a difference.

Just sounds... More authentic?
Could that be "it"?
The reason it sounds "different"
and has a noticeable "difference"?

I dunno. Maybe.

That burger place... Good burgers...

Pretty pricey, though.

The guy paid for both of ours.
I think he just wanted to "get me alone."

After we got back to the building, 
I just stayed up here.

Tomorrow'll probably be a "write-off"
because of going to bed so late.

It's a weekend, anyway.
Just the "usual" going on over here.

Just tired of having to "be"
"interested" in any of it. I'm not.
That's why I stay home.

Chilling outside, in better weather, okay...

But the chill hasn't left the air, yet.

It's not the kind of chill that bites you, 
but you feel it.

It's not March anymore
but the weather's acting
as though it still is.

Some people have been saying
that it came in like a lion
and left like a lion.

"In like a lion, out like a lamb."
"In like a lamb, out like a lion."

This year, the lambs stayed home LOL.

Although we've been getting some sun, 
the chill's still in the air.

So I can only sit out there for so long.

And when we're smoking on the balcony, 
I'm like "Okay, let's go back inside."

Farking cold. Don't like it.

People who have their birthdays
during summer months
and can do summer stuff
for their birthdays...

I envy that.

Mostly not been going outside
because I've been TIRED.

I mean, I do it, when I have to...
When I have to get stuff done etc...

Even when I go "stir crazy" just being in here...

But, there are times I want to "hole" up in here.
Away from people
for a few days at a time.

Because... Why do I need to be around everyone
all the time?

Do they need to be around me all the time?
Or can they take a break from me, too?

The other day, I wanted to see if the windows
in the front of the building
can be opened from the outside...

Someone said: "It p*sses the cr@ckers off, 
they can only get half-way in!"

The outer window opens, the inner window doesn't. 

Pretty sure that the last fire alarm
was because a dealer wasn't going to get out of bed
for a cr@cker to get their fix.

Something like that.
From what I've heard, 
that happens, a lot. 

Most of the time, it's not an actual fire.
Since I've been here (less than 2 months)
there've been 4 alarms.

At the place I used to live, 
there's only been like 2 fires
in the 20 years I've lived there.

One, being a serious fire...

Anyway, most of the time, 
there's no actual fire.

I check to see if there's smoke...
If there isn't any, chances are
there's no fire.

One time, at my old place, 
there was an alarm, 

but it was actually a "crazy chick"
throwing stuff off her balcony
and saying she had a bomb etc.

They actually had the bomb squad
break her door in... 
And she was strapped to a "gurney"
and taken to the hospital. 

THE KICKER WAS
THAT IT WASN'T EVEN HER PLACE.
SHE WAS THERE, VISITING SOMEONE FFS.

That serious fire and the "crazy chick"
was pretty much all the excitement over there.

But yeah, the reason why they went through the city
to even tell me I owed money
was to "get me to" "act all crazy" about it.

To "show everyone" that I have "mental issues" etc.

Did I give them a piece of my mind?
When I went to pay them? Yeah. 

But did the police or security need to be called? LOL.
No. I paid them. I walked out with a receipt
AND THEY GET TO GO FK THEMSELVES.

But, yeah. THAT was the reason they went through them. 

To get me to act all "irrational" to make me look "instable."
"Instable" about what, though?
Trying to come for me, through who, though?

While people trying to get me looking "stupid"
are looking "stupid"
for trying to get me looking "stupid."

Sure, was it stupid of me to listen to someone
who told me:

"Just push it into a room
and leave it there for them to deal with."

And when I called him, to tell him
what the result was of me doing that...

HE WANTS TO DRILL HIS IDEAS
AND HIS SUGGESTIONS HOME TO ME
AS THOUGH I'M FKN "STUPID"
AND NEED TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO FFS.

WASN'T WHY I WAS CALLING!

But I must be "stupid" for just "taking it."
TAKING WHAT?
THE FACT THEY HAD A RIGHT
TO CHARGE ME
FOR ITEMS LEFT BEHIND?

IN ONTARIO, YES, IT'S A THING.

DID I CONTEST HAVING TO PAY IT?
OR DID I PAY IT?

Trying to "hit me where it hurts"
by coming after me for more
than just the money...

To "potentially disqualify me"
AND SH*T LIKE THAT...

WAS UNNECESSARY.

THAT WAS THE POINT I WAS MAKING. 
ABOUT ALL OF IT.

Because, yeah, I did look it up.

Wasn't a "smart move" on my behalf. 
Wasn't "smart" of my friend
to suggest that to me.
Wasn't "smart" of me to do that.

HOWEVER, WASN'T SMART OF THEM
TO TRY TO MAKE AN EXAMPLE
OUT OF ME.

FOR SOMETHING A LOT OF PEOPLE
DO ALL THE FKN TIME.

AND THEY EVEN LEAVE THE FKN COUNTRY.
BECAUSE OF THEIR BS.

WHY WOULD ANYONE
PAYING THAT FKN MUCH
TO LIVE THERE
WANT TO FKN DEAL WITH THAT SH*T?
ANYONE? NO?
WHY IS THAT, THOUGH?

And what about the reasons I just wanted to BOLT
and get tf out of there?

THEY WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW I DID THEM DIRTY?
BY LEAVING THINGS THERE?

WHAT ABOUT HAVING TO TOSS MY BED AND COUCH?
WHAT ABOUT MOVING MY WET BELONGINGS
WITHOUT TELLING ME
SO THAT THEY GOT MOLDY?

AND ONLY GIVING ME
A FKN $20 CREDIT FFS?

But nope! I'M THE WORST EVER!
FOR LEAVING ITEMS BEHIND LOL.

NO DAMAGES, NO RENT DUE.
Just items left behind LOL.

Such a big deal to make a big deal about LOL.
The only thing they could make
any type of deal about. Big or small. 

Even breaking the freaking LEASE
was made into a hassle FFS.

If you're going to make it a hassle
FOR SOMEONE TO FKN LEAVE FFS
WHAT WOULD MAKE THEM
WANT TO STAY?

That's the kind of sh*t
THAT MAKES PEOPLE WANT TO FKN RUN.
AND NOT LOOK BACK.

They got their money, sure.
BUT I HAVE PROOF
OF HOW THEY WENT ABOUT GETTING IT LOL.

WHEN IT COULD HAVE BEEN AS SIMPLE
AS TELLING ME I OWED IT.

But, yeah, they expected some sort of
ORDEAL FROM ME
WHEN THEY WERE THE ONES
WHO MADE IT A FKN ORDEAL Y'know?

Because if I refused to pay it
what would happen?
If I couldn't pay it
what would happen?

I have the letters, addressed to me, 
that state what would happen LOL.

So why put those right into my hand?

Nobody said "don't talk about it."
I can, all I want to. 
OR ELSE WHAT?

OR ELSE I'M SLANDERING THEM?
FOR TELLING THE TRUTH?

Well, act one way
and then talk another way
out the other side of your mouth.

I know why they did it like that.
It had nothing to do with leaving stuff there.

It was to try to make an example out of me.

Sure, fine, they "did it."
They got what they wanted
since the $420 matters SO much to them
that they'd try to back me into a corner
OVER IT.

But, I have the letters.
I can make copies. 


Anyway, someone was saying:
"Don't let it consume you."

Am I? Or am I merely thinking about it?
I'm allowed to think about whatever, right?
Or aren't I?

What bugs me is that certain people
WANT MY ATTENTION SO BAD
THAT THEY TRY TO PUSH
ANY OR WHATEVER THOUGHT
THAT'S NOT ABOUT THEM
OUT OF MY HEAD.

The neighbor who comes up here, 
to smoke with me, 

It's almost to the point
that "as long as I'm 'busy"
hanging out with HIM
I don't have "the time"
for anything or anyone else."

I don't like that.

I said something about how
I had an itching issue
in one of my boobs...

"Need someone to scratch it for you?" Wtf?

And what bugs me, a lot, is asking me for hugs. 
If I wanted to hug ya, I'd hug ya.

And if you're not asking the guys, 
why are you asking me?
Because I have breasts?
And been a while since you've been near any?
How is that my problem? Y'know?

MY problem is between trying to be "polite"
and drilling the point ALL THE WAY HOME.

Because not too many people
LIKE ANY POINT
BEING DRILLED ANYWHERE
LET ALONE ALL THE WAY HOME. 
LET ALONE BY ME.

They'd all see me differently, after that.

But, being "polite" all the time...
Has drawbacks. 

There are times to be polite, 
but times to let people fkn KNOW
you're NOT UP FOR ANY SH*T.

and if I had a boyfriend, 
these guys wouldn't be asking me for hugs...

They wouldn't be trying to "take up my time"
so I didn't have the time
to do much else, right?

Like the day before last...
My neighbor came up, twice.

And he usually stays for a few hours.
We get high and once the buzz dies down, 
then he leaves.

Sure, he tells me interesting things.
Because he knows I listen. 
And maybe he likes the attention
that he doesn't seem to get
from anyone else.

Fair enough... But the "energy" vampirism thing...
It's an actual thing. 

Ever feel 'drained' after being around certain people?
Especially around people who want to be around you
all the time?

"There are other attractive girls in the building, 
but they have boyfriends."

IS THAT MY PROBLEM?
THAT THEY HAVE BOYFRIENDS?
NO? THEN WHY HANG OUT WITH ME?
BECAUSE I DON'T?

BASICALLY SAYING EXACTLY THAT.

OR WHAT? HE'D BACK OFF, RIGHT?

I've made it known to him, more than once
that he's the same age as my mother FFS.

Whatever "daddy issues" I supposedly have
DON'T MAKE ME WANT TO DATE
OR BE WITH
SOMEONE OLD ENOUGH
TO BE MY FATHER.
SO WHY GO THERE?
OR EVEN THINK THAT?
OR TRY TO CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT IT?

Just because we "hang out"
doesn't mean that "over time"
I'll somehow "overlook" that fact.

It's that I'm not a "cr@cker" and don't drink anymore.
I have at least some "self-respect" and "morality."

I have some qualities that not every "modern woman" has. 

Which makes me "different." Or whatever.

Like that guy who invited me out to eat with him. 
I didn't really want to go.

Because he invited me out to try to "impress" me.
And wanted to get me "alone."

I knew that by the way he kept looking at me
when we were all sitting outside...

I didn't want to hold his gaze
because I didn't want him to "somehow"
"read into it" what wasn't there.

I don't like it. I'm a person, 
not a piece of @ss FFS.

Whatever "fantasies" anyone
ever had about me
AREN'T BASED IN REALITY.

It just makes me feel gross
and makes me want to keep to myself even more.

Why would that make me feel "comfortable"?

Let a girl come to you. 
Don't be up her @ss.

Don't give "excuses" to see her
or be around her.

Especially if you're old enough
TO BE HER FATHER FFS.

IF SHE TELLS YOU SHE HAS GOALS
GIVE HER THE TIME SHE WANTS/NEEDS
TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING.

No reason to "hang out" every day.
Give it a rest. Let her rest.

Maybe she has a lot on her mind. 
Maybe she's going through stuff.
Like big changes etc.

Maybe she needs/wants time
TO JUST ADJUST.

TO A HUGE SHIFT.

DESPITE WHAT YOU WANTED
OR HOPED WOULD HAPPEN
BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

GIVEN "ENOUGH" TIME.

Sure, I should be "flattered"
that anyone actually "likes" me.

But there's "liking" someone
for the wrong reasons. 

Selfish reasons are the wrong reasons.

Knowing that someone's working on something
and coming by twice a day...

One of the things that bugs me...
Helping someone "as a friend"
but doing it because you actually want more
than just a friendship...

WHY DO THAT?

AND TO TRY TO TALK ME OUT OF STUFF.
WHY? SO I HAVE MORE TIME FOR YOU?

That bugs me. It just does.

Sure, it also makes me seem selfish
for wanting all of MY time to MYSELF.

And not really wanting to waste it
on anyone's hopes or desires
or expectations of me etc.

I'm capable of wasting my own time LOL.
Why would I need help to do it?

But when it bugs me, these things, 
it just bugs me.

And yet, I'm polite. 
To let him come over...
To let him talk and talk and talk and talk...
And to listen. 

It would be rude not to give him the attention
when he's visiting.

But he gives himself reasons to come over.
To smoke one, mostly. 

Why do guys do that?
When I'm just minding my own business?
Because I'm not all up in their business?
So they have to give themselves a reason?
Just to see me? I don't really get it.

But yeah, once you "let them in"
it's hard to avoid them. 
Especially when they live in the same building. 

So, being "nice" and "polite" can actually
put you in a spot you don't even want to be in!

Not that hard to see why I keep to myself, eh?

And why I should have, the whole time.

NOBODY'D BE KNOCKING AT MY DOOR
FOR FKN ANY REASON. 

NOT TO SMOKE ONE, NOTHING.

There'd be zero reason. 

But, yeah, if something feels OFF, it is. 
IT FEELS LIKE THAT FOR A REASON.
SO DON'T JUST IGNORE IT.

I've ignored it and tried waiting for it to "just pass"
but, it didn't. It just intensified. 

And if I have to pretend I'm not home, not here, 
whatever, just to have more time to myself, 
just quiet, mellow, without anyone's anything...

THEN I GUESS NOBODY'S HOME.

LEAVE A NOTE ON MY DOOR.

"NOT HOME, CATCH ME LATER."

Or whatever tf. Dgaf.

I had to tell him in advance
that I had plans for the next day.

So that he wouldn't drop in on me.

He's not even a "bad" dude.
It's just that I know why he's been "hanging out" with me.
He said it himself. 
Because I don't have a boyfriend.

AND THERE WAS A REASON HE EVEN ASKED ME
IF I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, RIGHT?

OR HE WOULDN'T HAVE ASKED ME!

That's the kind of thing that I don't have
the fkn patience for. Okay?
I just fkn don't. 

People thinking I don't realize that
like I haven't been listening
or can't pick up on clues.

Sure, it's somewhat "flattering" I guess.
But it's also a PITA.

(Pain In The @ss).

To constantly be looked at like:

"If she doesn't have a boyfriend,
I'll try to move right on in there
to see if there's a chance....
If I'm "always around"..."

And very early on, I showed him
"my summer project."

And his response was:
"So I probably won't get to see you."

Because I'd be busy working on that. Y'know?
AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
JUST LETTING ME
FOCUS ON WHAT I WANT TO?
WITHOUT INSERTING YOURSELF?

Should there be anything wrong with it? No.
The only thing "wrong" with it
IS THAT I'D BE "UNAVAILABLE"
"ALL THE FKN TIME."

Nothing wrong with saying:
"I'm going to be busy for a while, 
but I'll let you know if I have some time."

Or something like that.

AND IF THEY GET MAD
THAT YOU'RE NOT "AS AVAILABLE"
AS YOU ONCE WERE, 

THAT'S NOT A REASON
TO MAKE YOURSELF AVAILABLE TO THEM.

YOUR TIME IS YOURS, RIGHT?
YOUR ENERGY IS ONLY SO MUCH.

IF YOU GIVE ALL YOUR TIME AND ENERGY
TO PEOPLE WHO JUST EXPECT IT FROM YOU
ALL THE FKN TIME
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING
ALL THE FKN TIME

WHAT DO YOU HAVE LEFT FOR YOURSELF?

If that makes me seem really fkn selfish, sorry (not sorry).

Because I know at least one person needs to hear it.

Especially dudes who give themselves reasons
to be around girls
who aren't interested in them "that way."

Especially when the girls have stuff
in their own lives to deal with etc.

OUTSIDE OF ANYTHING THEY WANT
OR EVEN EXPECT.

"Can I come visit my cat?"
"Want to smoke one?"
"Last bus already left, stay the night?"

But it's a thing, that guys seem to do.
Because sometimes it works for them. 
Sometimes it doesn't. 

BUT UNTIL THEY ARE TOLD
WHY THEY SHOULDN'T DO THAT SH*T

THEY'LL KEEP DOING THAT SH*T.

AND IT TURNS GIRLS OFF.
THEY CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT.
WELL, MOST CAN. 

IT JUST FEELS REALLY GROSS.

But, it's like they don't know what else to do.

What do you do instead? Let her come to you.
If she wants to see you, she'll tell you.
She'll make that known. 
Wouldn't be a "need" to give yourself a "reason" right?

NONE OF THE SNEAKY BS. IT'S GROSS.
*BARF*

But the things like "Can I come with you?"
To put me on the spot to say "yes" to something.
I FKN HATE THAT SH*T.

If I was going somewhere and wanted to see
IF YOU WANTED TO COME WITH ME, 
I'D ASK YOU IF YOU WANTED TO.

AND IF NOT, COOL.
NOT A HUGE THING, TO ME.

YOUR CHOICE. LIKE IT SHOULD BE.

BUT TRYING TO PUT ME ON THE SPOT
TO MAKE A CHOICE
THAT YOU WANT ME TO MAKE?
DON'T. JUST DON'T.

Like that guy who invited me to eat with him. 
He didn't want me to go eat
with any of the other guys there.

That's why he only invited me.

Wanted to get me "alone"
"away from" the other guys.

I don't like that. 
I don't like the "feel" of that.

Like trying to "claim me"
in front of the "others."

No, dude.
We're just sharing a meal
because you invited me.
NOTHING ELSE.

But in his mind...
WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'S THINKING?
"I GOT HER AWAY FROM THEM.
I GOT HER TO COME WITH ME.
THAT MUST MEAN THIS...
THIS MUST MEAN THAT... ETC."

Is it a competition to see who gets to spend time with me?

"I'll be around if there are any problems."

And I can "feel" something that is much more
than mere "disappointment" when I'm doing something else
other than what they wanted.

I can't really describe that feeling, but it's real.
Or else I wouldn't feel it.

It feels a lot like:
"Why are you asking me if I have a boyfriend?"

Someone recently asked me if I'm married.
I asked him why he asked me.

I also asked him if the reason he was asking me
was because he had more than friendship on his mind.

He said, yes, it was.

Direct question, direct answer. Right?

Then tried to make it seem
like I misunderstood him about it.

What's there to misunderstand?
Direct question. Direct answer.

There was no misunderstanding. 
He literally told me the reason he asked me
was because he had more than friendship on his mind. 

Then tried to backtrack to say
that it was because he didn't want to
potentially cause any issues between me
and a partner, if I had one.

No. It was because you wanted to know
if I *might* be "available."

Just because I'm single
doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship.

It's crazy.
When I *was* available
and "open" to dating...

Barely any interest.
Unless it's from older guys...
Like much older guys...

While guys my own age
think I'm younger than them or something, I dunno.
Or they don't like that I speak up
about certain things...

OR THEY JUST WANT ME TO BE "AROUND"
FOR WHENEVER THEY "CHOOSE"
TO BE "AVAILABLE" OR WHATEVER.

No. That was the "me" that had very little respect for myself. 
Waiting around for d*ckheads like
mirror smasher.

6 fkn years. Okay?
That's literally how long it took for ME
to fkn get a grip and tell him
to go fk himself. 

Could have been sooner, right?

BUT WHAT HAPPENED?
HE KNEW HOW I "FELT," AT ONE TIME.
SO HE KEPT ME "WAITING" FOR HIM.
FOR HIM TO *MAYBE* CHOOSE ME, RIGHT?

WHILE HE PUT ALL KINDS OF BS
OVER ME.
BECAUSE I WAS THERE
BUT I DIDN'T MATTER.

BUT NOW I'M NOT THERE
WHETHER I MATTERED OR NOT, 
I'M JUST NOT THERE ANYMORE
TO TREAT LIKE SH*T ANYMORE
FOR EVERYONE
AND EVERYTHING
THAT WAS EVER MORE *IMPORTANT*

And whether or not he sees the "difference"
of me not being there anymore...

I DGAF IF HE DOES OR DOESN'T.
JUST NOT WASTING MY TIME
WAITING
FOR NOTHING.
BETTER THINGS TO DO
THAN TO DO THAT
FOR EVEN JUST
ONE MORE FREAKING DAY.
OKAY?

The point was he HAD the "power"
to just keep me "waiting"

BECAUSE I FKN GAVE HIM THAT.
AND I TOOK IT AWAY, TOO.

WASN'T EXPECTING ME TO DO IT.
SINCE I WAITED THAT FKN LONG.
WHY NOT WAIT
THE REST OF MY LIFE? LOL

But they don't miss the water
until the well runs dry.

Sure, he'll meet plenty of other girls etc.
BUT THEY WON'T BE ME.

And I'm not saying that to be "prideful" or whatever.
They just won't be me.
Because only I can be me.

WHO'D WANT A GIRL 
WHO LET HERSELF
BE PUT ON A SHELF?
LIKE THAT?

BUT ALSO, SAID GIRL, 
DOESN'T HAVE TO "STICK AROUND"
TO BE PUT ON A SHELF
TO BE "SAVED FOR LATER"
WHEN ALL OTHER "OPTIONS"
RUN OUT FFS.

AND SAID GIRL
CAN TELL THEM ALL TO GO FK THEMSELVES.
AND MEAN IT.
AND SHOW THEM SHE MEANS IT.

Something like "Nobody puts Baby in the corner."
Only Baby doesn't put herself in the corner.
AND SHE DOESN'T MIND
DANCING BY HERSELF.

BECAUSE WHO TF SHOULD CARE?
SHOULD SHE?

About being put in the corner, maybe.
Dancing by herself? No.

"Dance like nobody's watching."
More like "Who cares that they're watching?"

The neighbor said that the girl who lives
in this building, who's a stripper...

She told him that she loves it.
The "excitement" of it, etc.

Better to do it because she wants to, right?
Big difference between wanting to
and "having to." Right?

Like, I don't have to collect cans for money.
I could be doing other things.

A lot of other things I definitely wouldn't be doing.
Even "just for the money."

The only people who are "scared" of being broke
HAVE NEVER BEEN BROKE.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO 
IF THEY WERE BROKE, LOST THEIR JOB ETC.

They probably couldn't "handle" the thought of it.

WHY DOES IT NOT BOTHER ME?
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN BROKE BEFORE
AND FKN SURVIVED.

SINCE I HAVE SURVIVED, BEFORE, 
BEING BROKE ISN'T SOMETHING
THAT'LL DESTROY ME.

I PUSHED THROUGH THAT.
TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY.

WITHOUT "RESORTING"
TO ANYTHING "JUST FOR THE MONEY."

Another thing that bugs me
when my friend was trying to talk me "into"
the "arrangement" he thought 
he could talk me "into"

HE DIDN'T TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT
WHY I WOULDN'T WANT THAT.

I'm a middle-aged single person, too.
"who has 'needs' too."

So why wouldn't I just jump on THAT?
Just because he wanted me to want to?
DA FUQ?

And I can't pretend like I wasn't there
for when his buddy (on speaker phone)
asked if I was "the one he smashed" FFS.

What?!!! Da fuq?

THAT really made me want to change my mind
about the whole "arrangement" thing, right?
*Sarcasm*

GIVE ME A FKN BREAK!!!

That's the kind of sh*t that turns me OFFFFFFFF.

AND YOU WOULD THINK
THAT SOMEONE WHO'S KNOWN YOU
FOR LIKE 12+ YEARS
WOULD KNOW YOU BETTER THAN 
TO THINK
YOU'D HONESTLY
GO FOR THAT, RIGHT?

KNOW YOU BETTER THAN
TO EVEN SUGGEST THAT, RIGHT?

BECAUSE, OUT OF ANYONE, 
THEY'D KNOW WHAT KIND OF GIRL YOU ARE, 
AND WHAT KIND OF GIRL YOU'RE NOT.

RIGHT?

Because 12+ years should be enough time
TO KNOW THAT ABOUT A PERSON
RIGHT?

Then, to invite her over and "suggest" it
with "reasons" for it
as though she'd go for it
if it "made sense"
WHEN THAT'S NOT EVEN
THE KIND OF GIRL SHE IS?

"I WAS KINDA HOPING."

Well, what was I kinda hoping for?
THAT YOU WOULDN'T GO THERE?
LET ALONE MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE THE "LOGICAL THING TO DO"
BECAUSE OF XYZ?

DA FUQ?!

DID I GO OVER TO "CHILL" WITH YOU?
SEE YOUR "NEW PLACE" (AFTER ALMOST 2 YEARS)?
SEE MY FRIEND? CATCH UP?

I DIDN'T GO TO BE "PROPOSITIONED"
WITH THE HOPE THAT I'D SAY YES FFS.

What the fk is that sh*t?
Attractive? No?
Gross? Yeah.

*Barf*

So can anyone blame me
for not even wanting to be around many people?

Especially when guys do this type of sh*t?
Thinking I'd be DTF
just because they want me to be? Gross!

He pretty much thought he'd just invite me over
TO TRY TO HOOK UP WITH ME.
AND EVEN WORSE:
MAKE AN ARRANGEMENT WITH ME.
TO KEEP HOOKING UP. GROSS.

And why am I still friends with the guy?
Because despite being a fkn knob sometimes
he can be a decent dude.

I just don't count on him for fkn anything anymore, though.

But just saying that there's a reason
a guy asks me if I have a boyfriend.

And it's not just to "watch his own back."
It's to try to fit himself into the equation
THAT HAS ZIP TO DO WITH HIM.
ONLY HAS TO DO WITH HIS
SELFISH "DESIRES"
THAT HAVE ZIP TO DO WITH ME.
NOT MY PROBLEM.

And a lot of guys get mad...
GET. TF. OVER. YOURSELF.

If you're going to get MAD
that the girl doesn't want to FK you...
THEN GET MAD.
BUT GETTING MAD ABOUT IT
DOESN'T MEAN SHE HAS TO FK YOU.
OR EVEN WANT TO FK YOU.

HER CHOICE. NOT YOURS.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH 
OR HOW BAD YOU WANT THAT
FROM OR WITH HER...

IF SHE DOESN'T, 
THERE'S A REASON SHE DOESN'T.

Even when she DOESN'T have a boyfriend.
NOT HAVING A BOYFRIEND
ISN'T AN INVITATION
TO INSERT YOURSELF
INTO HER LIFE.
IN ANY WAY YOU "CAN."

Not having a boyfriend could be for a reason. 
Maybe she'd rather be doing other things...
OTHER THAN DATING/FKING.

MAYBE DUDES "KILLED IT" FOR HER
AND SHE DOESN'T WANT TO
BE WITH ANYONE ANYMORE.

MAYBE SHE'S TOO OLD
FOR BS LIKE THIS SH*T.

MAYBE ALL OF THE ABOVE.

But doing things to try to get her away from
spending any time on something or someone else...

Nope. Don't do that.
It won't get her to change her mind
in the direction you want her to change it.

It makes it look exactly the way it is.

And girls who can see it for what it is
can't unsee it.

Even if they wanted to.

And guys who do it
can't undo it.
Even if they wanted to.

Once you do that sh*t,
you can't be relied on as someone who doesn't
AND WHO WOULDN'T.

So if you want to be seen and KNOWN
as someone who doesn't and wouldn't....
Just don't! Simple enough, right?