It's A Thing

I looked online about it.
It's actually a thing
that landlords can charge a removal fee
to remove anything left there, 
in Ontario. 

So, yeah, they did that legally.
However, the way they went about
EVEN TELLING ME
THAT I OWED THE MONEY

THAT WAS BS.

I paid them. 
THEY CAN KISS MY @SS, THOUGH.

Couldn't get out of there fast enough. 

There'll be ways to "recover" from having to do that.

There's that liquidation store around the corner
and there's a day when stuff goes down in price. 

And it's decent stuff, there.

It's just a matter of finding a really good deal
and making deals with people
WHO'D BUY IT FROM YOU.

Wheelin' n' dealin' LOL.
As long as I'm not selling cr@ck, right? LOL.

There's some pretty good stuff there
and they get new stuff, all the time.

Never know what'll be there. 
Worth a look to see.

And I don't have to go
all the way to the other one, 
this one's so much closer.

I broke even with the tool belt thing
I was trying to make a buck on...

Anyway, I picked up a coat rack thing. 

A neighbor came by with a wooden thing
because he knows I want to make a greenhouse
on the balcony, because I told him. 

So he's been collecting wood for me, for it.

So he brought me a thing, today. 
He said it was originally something to hang blankets on. 

So I'm going to see if he'll put it back together, for me, 
the way that it was so I can use it for what it was
intended for. 

So that I can hang up my projects on it.

Instead of putting them in the basket
I've been putting them in. 

I can hang them straight. 

Anyway, I didn't need a coat rack, thing. 
But I got one for a dollar plus tax. 

The base has an issue, 
I have to unscrew a thing
that seems to be stuck on there... 

When I get that issue resolved, 
things will fit together. 

I've mostly been hanging up stuff
On a hook thing I have on one of my doors
and I use the doors themselves. 
To hang something on...
The top corner. 

Anyway, I found a "designer"
"hoodie" outside...

It was in a bad state, 
but I soaked it in the tub
and it just needs a good wash...

I'm giving it to my brother for his birthday.
Since I'm already a broke-@ss...

So, at least I have a "gift" for him, 
for his birthday. 

I already showed it to him. 
I gave him the choice:
To see it when he was here
(a couple of days ago)
or to wait for his birthday LOL.

He said he'd like to see it, 
so I showed it to him. 

The name of the "designer"
is the same name as his dog, lol. 

One of those, new, would be over $100.

He told me about how the last dog he had, died.

His dog needed a major surgery. 
It cost thousands of dollars that he borrowed, for her.

After the surgery, I guess when my brother was at work, 
HIS DUMB FKN ROOMMATE
FORCED HIS DOG
RIGHT AFTER A MAJOR SURGERY
UP 2 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS
AND SHE BLED OUT FROM IT.
INTERNAL BLEEDING
FROM THAT FFS,

And as much as ANYONE
WANTS TO TALK ABOUT
MY BROTHER AND I
HAVING "ANGER ISSUES"

MY BROTHER SAID TO ME
AFTER TELLING ME:

"AND I DIDN'T K*LL HIM."

He was probably fkn LIVID.
BUT DID HE K*LL THE GUY?

FOR CAUSING HIS DOG'S DEATH? NO.

Given so many reasons to "pop tf off"
YET NOT DOING IT...

AND PEOPLE DO STUPID SH*T
SOMETIMES JUST TO SEE
HOW HE OR I WOULD REACT.

BECAUSE IF WE "POP TF OFF"
THEY'D HAVE REASONS
TO SAY WE'RE "INSTABLE"
OR "CRAZY"
OR "PSYCHO" FFS.

EVEN IF WE HAVE A GOOD ENOUGH REASON
TO BE FKN P*SSED RIGHT TF OFF.

ANYONE WOULD BE, RIGHT?

Couldn't just let his dog fkn recover?
From her SURGERY? FFS?
Just HAD to be a complete piece of SH*T?

I got a call from an organization thing
that does rallies etc about rent hikes etc.
"Social justice."

They said they are having a meeting this month
and told me I can go to it, if I want to.

Something to look forward to, I guess.

I've gotta get some things, sorted, though.
The money I was going to pay my bills with...
I HAD TO PAY THEM WITH...
I've got to come up with, for those bills.

They sent me an email with a deadline
for when they want their money.

I still have time to come up with it, 
and I got less than half of it.

Just. One. Good. Deal.

Away from getting straight on that.

I found a pair of "designer" shoes.
When I showed my neighbor, 
he said he'd take them for his sister.

They were too small for her
so he put them on the ledge for someone to take.

I gave them to him. So he got to do with them
what he wanted to. 

But when I was showing them to him
I was showing them to him
because I wanted to see if he and I could sell them. 

He's good at making deals. 
That's why I showed them to him in the first place.

He was looking at my SEGA games
saying I could get money for them. 

I know that, but they aren't for sale. 
I've told him that, about the system before.

It's to be kept in the family. 

I do have some things that are worth money.
But doesn't mean I'm selling them. 

Other things, sure, 
things that don't have sentimental value, to me. 

I might be able to do some deals
on some other stuff, eventually. 

The month's not over, yet.

Anyway, that's that, but just ideas...
Ideas brewing in my mind. 

About getting my marketing site up and going. 

I had to put a lot on hold, 
before, during, and after the move itself. 

And this setback... Yeah, it set me back. 
On other stuff. 

But, I've been worse for wear. 


Today, another neighbor asked me
to go with him to a burger joint. 

I didn't really want to go with him, 
but I went, to be polite.

A neighbor said to me as I was leaving, with that guy
that he'll be around if there are any "problems."

The guy I was joining for a burger and fries
said there wouldn't be any.

I didn't really want to go
because he was looking at me, 
pretty hard when we were all sitting there
and he was sitting across from me
so I didn't want to be rude, y'know. 

But I also didn't want to "hold his gaze."
The way he was looking at me, bugged me a bit.

So I went with the guy. The place is fkn expensive. 
We ate, we talked. 
First time there, for both of us. New place.

When we got back to the building, 
he asked if I'd be out front later, 
but I didn't go. 

I took a nap LOL.

Not often I get to feel "full." 

I mostly eat at night so I can feel "full"
or close enough to "full"
so I can sleep. 

Because when I try to sleep, 
when I'm hungry, it's harder to sleep. 

So yeah. 

I don't know why I seem to attract "older men."
Guys old enough to be my father, literally. 

He told me he was born the same year my father was.
The neighbor who comes up here, to smoke and talk with me...
He's a few months younger than my mother. 

THAT GUY, spilled the beans on himself:
"There are other attractive girls in the building, 
but they have boyfriends."

Basically saying he's hanging out with me
because he thinks I'm attractive
and knows I don't have a boyfriend. 

BUT DO I WANT ONE?

I know not all guys are the same etc...

BUT AFTER TOO MUCH SH*T...
A GIRL GETS FKN TIRED OF IT.

Would rather be alone
THAN TO BE EXPECTED
TO JUST ACCEPT THAT SH*T.

F*CK THAT.
SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD.

So the month has just begun...
And there'll be other opportunities etc...

The neighbor I've been talking about some web stuff with...
The guy who comes up here to smoke with me...

He was saying I should put up a site
selling my crochet stuff...

IT TAKES A LONG TIME
TO MAKE ANYTHING DECENT TO SELL. 

BLANKETS TAKE MONTHS.

And crocheting is a hobby.
It's something to escape to and with.

When I need a break from "anxiety stuff" etc.

If I had a site for it, I'd get like 60 orders
and it'd take me a long time
just to finish one
and I'd have the others on my back
about theirs etc....

WOULDN'T BE WORTH IT TO ME.

Besides, why take the joy of it, out of it?
JUST BECAUSE OF PEOPLE
WHO EXPECT THINGS INSTANTLY?

The things I do make...
STITCH. BY. STITCH.
ALL BY HAND, OKAY?

It'd be my whole life.
I wouldn't have time for anything else.
JUST TO CATCH UP ON ORDERS FFS.

Sure, it'd be nice to make money selling it....

BUT IS IT WORTH THE STRESS
OF HAVING PEOPLE
ON MY FKN BACK
WHO DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE
OR THE DECENCY
TO FKN WAIT
FOR IT TO BE COMPLETED?

NO! 

I like to be able to do it, 
to make gifts and stuff...

The hat that I made for myself, 
for my birthday... 

2 people have asked me
to make them 1 like mine. 

Mine took me like a month to make.
Because I did a double stitch on it.

It's called the duplicate stitch. 
It's a stitch over top of a stitch. 

I stitched over the stitches of the hat
to make a union jack hat.

And I don't even want to make copies of it.
I made mine just for myself. 

As a 1 of a kind thing, for me.

He offered to pay for it, 
but so did the last guy I made one for.

He wanted a rolling stones hat, 
so I did a black one, with the lips and tongue.

HE DIDN'T PAY ME FOR IT.

I have blue and asked him if it was close
to the blue I used for my hat. 
It wasn't. 

Do I have the time to knit hats for everyone?
When I have to catch up on some stuff?

It seems that people only think about themselves.

Did that jack@ss THINK that maybe
A DOG THAT JUST HAD SURGERY
MAYBE SHOULD HAVE BEEN
LEFT ALONE TO RECOVER FROM IT?

OR DID HE JUST WANT TO CONTROL HER
TO MAKE HER GO UP THE DAMN STAIRS?

NOT EVEN HIS DOG!

So why would someone who knows
that you made something just for yourself
and so it'd be the only one like it...

NOT ASK YOU TO MAKE ONE
JUST LIKE IT?

FOR THEM?

Totally two different things. Completely different.

It's just that neither of them thought about it.

THEY JUST WANTED WHAT THEY WANTED.

And I'd tell him about something:
"Can I go with you?"

Like I wasn't planning a whole trip
to even ASK you if you wanted to come along, y'know?

And that puts you on the spot. 
AND THEY WANT YOU TO SAY YES.

LIKE HE WANTED ME TO SAY YES
TO GO TO THE BURGER PLACE.
With him. 

BECAUSE THE OTHERS AND I
WERE TALKING ABOUT GOING 
TO THE CHURCH TO EAT.

SO HE WANTED ME TO GO WITH HIM, 
NOT WITH THE OTHER GUY.

THAT'S PRETTY MESSED UP.

BUT I WENT, ANYWAY.

BUT JUST BECAUSE HE ASKED ME
TO GO THIS TIME, 

DOESN'T MEAN I'M OBLIGATED
TO GO WITH HIM ANYWHERE

JUST BECAUSE HE WANTED ME
TO GO WITH HIM AND I DID.

Do I want a bunch of old guys duking it out over
WHO EVEN "GETS TO" HANG OUT WITH ME?

See why I'm good being by myself?

I'm not trying to get anyone's attention, out here.
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT OR NEED IT.

And when they say things like:
"But they have boyfriends..."

If I had a boyfriend, they'd stay away, I guess.

BUT I MADE IT CLEAR
THAT I DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND. 

My stepfather, when I told him
that I gave one of my folks' neighbors
an old football for his dog...

My stepfather told me not to have 
anything to do with the guy...

"I've seen him "in action"" Etc.
I guess he's seen the guy pop off or something. 

BUT DOES MY STEPFATHER
EVER SEE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE
WHEN HE POPS OFF?

OR CAN HE DO NO WRONG?
EVER?

My mother told me about something she did, once.
"If you tell (him) I'll disown you."

BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T HEAR
THE END OF IT.

HE'D POP OFF ABOUT IT.

EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A MINOR THING.

Whenever it came to something he'd "get angry about"
we weren't supposed to tell him about it.

SO THAT WE WOULDN'T "HAVE TO"
DEAL WITH THE BS ABOUT IT.
FROM HIM. 

AND HE'S WARNING ME ABOUT A NEIGHBOR?

"If you're nice to him, he'll think you like him
and then he'll pull you into his world."

I DON'T NEED TO BE "PULLED INTO" ANYTHING.
I CAN MAKE MY OWN CHOICES.
I DON'T HAVE TO BE OR GET INVOLVED WITH ANYONE.

I just don't want anything awkweird with that burger n fries guy.
We have to co-exist in the same building. 

JUST BECAUSE I WENT "OUT" WITH THE GUY, ONCE.
NOT ON A "DATE" EITHER.

But yeah, I don't need anyone
THINKING THERE'S A CHANCE OF XYZ
WHEN I DON'T WANT XYZ.

SINCE I DON'T WANT XYZ, 
THERE'S NO CHANCE OF XYZ
WITH OR FROM ME.

AND I SHOULD BE ALLOWED
NOT TO WANT XYZ
WITH ANYONE.

But I don't control anyone's "thoughts" or "ideas."

AND I GUESS THAT BECAUSE I'M "SINGLE"
SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT MEANS:
"IF I KEEP TRYING TO GET WITH HER, 
I'LL GET WITH HER."

NOPE. She does not want to be with anyone.

AND EVEN IF I DID, WHICH I DON'T. 
Why would I want to date a guy
who's the same age as my father would be
if he were still alive?

Or someone the same age as my mother?

Or someone with a "child" older than me?

One of the females, who live here...
She told me her son's 32 years old
AND HER BOYFRIEND IS 36.

And when she told her friend that, 
her friend called her a cougar
and stopped talking to her, lol. 

One time, and this is funny...

I was outside, shopping, 
a teenager comes up to me and says:
"Hey, sweetie" to me.

His friend pulled him back:
"That's (my son)'s MOM!"

LOLOLOLOL!!!! Was so funny!
The look on his face!!!!

The thing is that I look younger than I am...

Which is weird because that should turn some guys off:
"She's too young for me" or whatever.

That's what makes it even more awkweird, y'know?

BECAUSE IF I'M YOUNG ENOUGH
TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER
WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME
IF I HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

And thinking: 
"The more we hang out, 
something might happen."

THE. FK. OUT. OF. HERE. WITH. THAT.

NO. NOTHING'S GOING TO.
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT ANYTHING.

AND IF I ALREADY TOLD YOU, 
THAT ANSWER ISN'T GOING TO JUST CHANGE
THE MORE YOU INVITE YOURSELF OVER
TO SMOKE WITH ME ETC.

Sure, come up, let's smoke, let's talk
BUT THAT'S AS FAR AS IT'LL GO
AND TO EXPECT IT TO GO
ANY FURTHER THAN THAT
IS EXPECTING SOMETHING
THAT WON'T HAPPEN.

BECAUSE I NEVER WAS INTERESTED
IN ANYTHING ANYWAY.

That's what it's like. It bugs me.

And if I keep to myself and do "my own thing"
they'll think I'm hanging out with someone else
or whatever tf they think.

WHEN I JUST WANT TO BE BY MYSELF!!!
SO THAT I CAN DO MY OWN THING!!!

Without anyone up my @ss.

As much as "intimacy" and "affection" stuff is NICE.
THERE ARE TIMES
I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY OWN SPACE, 
WITH MY OWN THOUGHTS
AND DOING MY THINGS
THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO
WITH ANYONE ELSE.

Besides, there's more or should be more
to being with someone
than "intimacy" and "affection."

AND LOTS OF PEOPLE
TO WANT THAT FROM, 
OTHER THAN ME.

It bugs me, being s*x**l*zed like that. 
It just does.

Sure, thanks for thinking I'm "attractive"
that's a compliment...

IT'S THAT THE AWKWEIRDNESS...
THAT LEAVES A MARK.

AND I'M NOT EVEN THAT ATTRACTIVE!!!
I just "happen to be there"
and "happen to be single."

SINGLE FOR WHAT REASON, THOUGH?
Not because I couldn't just go "out there"
and "meet someone"
if that's what I wanted to do...

BUT BECAUSE I'M FKN TIRED
OF A LOT OF PEOPLE'S SH*T
AND THEY CAN GO FK THEMSELVES.

But, being, a "younger" female...
It's like "free game" if I'm single? FFS.

FREE FKN GAME 
TO GET DISAPPOINTED
THAT I'M STILL NOT INTERESTED LOL.

And no, I'm being polite. 
There's a huge difference
between being polite
and leading anyone on. 

BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK
THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING NICE
THEY HAVE A CHANCE.

IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

BEING NICE
DOESN'T MEAN:
"I WANT YOU."

It means I'm capable of being nice.

What was I supposed to say
when he put me on the spot?

"F*CK YOU AND YOUR BURGER N' FRIES!"?

OR JUST, GRACIOUSLY, ACCEPT THE INVITATION. 

I JUST DON'T WANT PEOPLE THINKING
THAT JUST BECAUSE I WENT, ONCE,
THAT THEY HAVE SOME SORT OF
CLAIM TO ME, THEY DON'T. 

It's weird that WHEN I WANT TO JUST BE
SINGLE AND WORK AT MY OWN STUFF...

OLD MEN SEEM TO BE....
TRYING TO STAKE A CLAIM TO ME, EVEN. 

It makes me want to take a long shower
and scrub "it" off of me.

I guess that I should be flattering, to some degree.

Just bugs me "Can I come with you?"
"Can I go do that with you?"

I'm not asking you if you want to
probably because I enjoy doing
certain things by myself. 

I'm not asking people:
"Do you want me to make you a hat like mine?"

Because I want mine to be
THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT
BECAUSE I MADE IT FOR MYSELF
FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

But, yeah, he comes up here, knocks at my door. 
To come in, smoke with me, 
and then we talk. 

Mostly HE talks and I listen. 

MOST PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO FKN HEAR ME
SO I KEEP A LOT TO MYSELF.

BUT WHEN YOU LET PEOPLE TALK, 
THEY WILL. 

THEY'LL TELL YOU STUFF.
EVEN STUFF THEY WOULDN'T TELL
ANYONE ELSE.

I had a friend who told me why his father went to jail. 

His father pushed a guy out a window
on the 13th floor. 

My friend was like 5 or 6 years old. 

His father got 25 years for that.

In Canada, a life sentence for k*lling someone
is 25 years. 

So his dad got out, but he did tell me why he went in. 
AND HE TOLD ME THAT HE NEVER
TOLD ANYONE, BEFORE. 

I'm writing it as an example
of what people will tell you
BECAUSE YOU LISTEN TO THEM. 

And also, said friend has passed away.

It's not like I'm divulging his past
while it could still affect him. 

Why would I do that?

So anyway, my point was 
that people'll tell you all kinds of things...

WHEN YOU LISTEN, 
THEY FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE
JUST SAYING IT
NO MATTER WHAT IT IS
BECAUSE SOMEONE'S LISTENING. 

That's not why I blog, by the way.
I write just to write.

I wrote on here when I didn't have any readers, yet. 

It took me a while to get into "just writing" on here.
Because I was aware that people
could potentially read it.

Didn't know how to "start" blogging. 
This is the first blog I've ever had.

THE WAY TO START IS TO JUST DO IT.

Someone put it this way:
"You can't learn how to drive in a parked car."

You can talk about the parts of the car
what those parts of the car "do"
and how what they "do"
contributes
to the experience of "driving"

but unless you drive that fkr off the lot
or out of the laneway...

YOU WON'T LEARN TO "DRIVE" IT.

UNLESS YOU WRITE, YOU WON'T WRITE.

AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH
ALL THAT BLOGGING IS.

JUST WRITING. 

And writing about your own experiences
and tying those experiences
to examples 
to make a point about...

IS STILL WRITING. 

I'D PROBABLY BE A LOUSY JOURNALIST...

But I guess you could call me a "blogger"
just for keeping a blog going for 20+ years LOL.

Other than that, I'm just a person
who writes.

About stuff... 

But, the point, I guess is that
IF I CAN WRITE, SO CAN YOU.

PROBABLY EVEN BETTER THAN ME.
I HOPE THAT YOU DO WRITE BETTER THAN ME.

IT'S NOT A COMPETITION, 
BUT IF YOU LOOK AT IT AS ONE, 
I HOPE YOU "WIN"

EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NOTHING 
TO REALLY "WIN."

"WIN" READERS, WHATEVER.
YOU. DO. YOU.

That's why I encourage people to "just write."

Never know who could be reading, 
who it could "resonate" with.

Who'll get the point
of the points you make etc...

Who'll 
"earn a free dinner"
because you said something
and they told someone...

(Still one of the best compliments
I ever got about my writing, ever).

Even though I don't know what it was...

If it made sense
and someone told someone,
and it made sense to them, too, cool!

Never know what anyone will 
"take away" from what you wrote.

Or learn... Or whatever.
People still read. All the time.

I've been reading less lately.
Probably because I have stuff on my mind...

Once I get certain things "taken care of"
and I don't have those things "weighing on me,"

I will have less on my mind.

Just that I can live my life, could live it
without people "getting ideas" 
and "expecting me to"
go along with them...

Like that dude who wanted me
to marry him
and move in with him
TO HAVE "ACCESS" TO ME 
ALL THE TIME FFS.

NO, THANK YOU.
I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE
OF WHAT ANYONE WANTS.

So when someone makes "excuses"
to hang out etc...

It's like "making plans" for me.
I'm not here saying "Can I go with you?"
"Can I do xyz with you?"

Because if I'm invited, I'll consider.

If I wanted company to do xyz
and wanted to see if you'd join me, 
I'd ask you if you wanted to. Right?

Just like they'd ask me if I wanted to. Right?

AND THEY SHOULD HAVE A RIGHT
TO NOT ASK OR INVITE ANYONE
IF THEY DON'T WANT TO.

So why put them on the spot about it?

"Can I go with you?"
"Can I do xyz with you?"

As an example, there's a bridge
the guy brought up.

I said I've been underneath it.

And that there's a space at the top of the pier.
And then it drops off, 
because it's a big pier.

"Can I go there, with you?"
I didn't say I was going...

So I said I wasn't sure
if anyone can even get down there, anymore.

It'd take just ONE FALL
OFF THAT PIER
TO COST THE CITY
A LOT OF MONEY
FOR NOT HAVING IT
"INACCESSIBLE"
TO PEOPLE WHO'D BE
STUPID ENOUGH
TO GET TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE
SINCE IT IS A LONG DROP DOWN. 

Just one fall.

SO WHY WOULD THEY WANT
TO KEEP THAT "ACCESSIBLE"?

But I didn't sit there, explaining it to the guy.
Who wanted to come with me
even though I was only just telling him
about it. 
Wasn't saying I was going there. Y'know?

Back then, it was just a drinking spot. 
And some people'd sleep, there.

But it's not like:
"Sure, let's go tomorrow."

Maybe I have other stuff to do, y'know?

I guess my point is:
Unless someone is saying they are going, there.
Or asking you if you want to go, with them...

Why ask if you can come?

If someone wanted ME to come along, 
somewhere...

They'd tell me they were going
AND WOULD ASK ME
IF I WANTED TO COME ALONG. 

Inviting yourself over somewhere...
IS WHAT?
IS INVITING YOURSELF. 

"Can I come see my cat?"
"You can come GET your cat."

Your cat isn't an excuse to hang out.

Most people rarely see me.
Why? Because I have other things going on. 

Unless they what? Invite themselves over, or try to.

I'm quiet enough to pretend I'm not home.
If I don't answer my home phone
I can say I wasn't home.

I don't like avoiding people.
I just like having time to myself. 

Without anyone "giving themselves excuses"
to hang out or whatever.

It's either we are or not. 
It's not "come over because you feel like it, 
whenever."

Sometimes I'd barely even woken up.
Sometimes I have things to do.
AND ACTUALLY GET DONE.

I don't have the time to get high all the time
and just shoot the sh*t.

If that's what YOU want to do, have at 'er.
BUT THERE ARE THINGS THAT I WANT TO DO
THAT DO NOT INVOLVE ANYONE.

AND I'D LIKE TO JUST "SLIP AWAY" AND DO THEM.
WITHOUT ANYONE SAYING ANYTHING
ABOUT ME NOT WANTING TO HANG OUT.
Y'KNOW?

AND I'D LIKE TO BE ALLOWED TO
WITHOUT ANY SULKING
THAT I WANT TO DO CERTAIN THINGS
ON MY OWN. 

Because I don't need any "guilt trips"
"But I wanted to go do xyz with you."
"But I wanted to go to xyz with you."

It's like the more you just want to chill by yourself...
The more people want to "come along."

Or you're having a quiet day, 
or you're still sleeping,
and someone knocks at your door.

All because THEY want to smoke and talk. 
Or because THEY want whatever they think
that enough smoking and talking
might lead to, if anything...

When YOU wanted to have a quiet day, 
and just sleep.

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO CATCH UP
ON SLEEP OR NOT FEELING TOO HOT ETC.

BUT YOU TRY HARD NOT TO BE RUDE
AND TELL THEM TO FK RIGHT OFF...

BECAUSE THERE ARE TIMES TO CHILL
WITH OTHERS...

AND TIMES TO JUST... BE ALONE.
AWAY FROM EVERYONE'S OPINIONS
THEIR "WANTS" ETC...

It's that IF I got with someone....
IT WOULD FKN BOTHER ME
NOT HAVING MY OWN TIME
AND MY OWN SPACE.

AND I WOULDN'T WANT THE DUDE
TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY
AND THINK IT WAS BECAUSE
I WAS CHEATING OR SOME BS. 

NO, I JUST WANT SOME "ME TIME."

I just want to "enjoy" my solitary things.

I wrote that in a comment on a post I saw on fb.

A female was writing about how her boyfriend
was acting differently and that he wanted time to himself
to "focus on his hobbies" and stuff like that
but he had made an appointment
for couple's counselling.

I had written that if he went as far
as making an appointment for couple's counselling, 
he still sees them as a "couple."

Asking for space and time to himself for his hobbies
IS JUST SPACE AND TIME FOR HIS HOBBIES.

And to try and not take that too personal.

And that he probably made that appointment
because there are likely some things
he can't really find the words
to express, himself. 

And to leave "talking about it" on the table.

The more "understanding" she can be about it, 
the more he'll feel "understood"
and won't feel "suffocated."

I made a point of saying that I wasn't saying
that she "suffocates" him. 

Just that some people feel "suffocated"
by everything in their lives.

Mostly by the weight of certain things. 

Not by just any one specific person, y'know?

Any less "suffocation" by anything or anyone
FEELS LIKE A BIT OF ALIVIATION. 

WHICH KINDA FEELS NICE.
NOT SO CONTRICTING
AND OVERWHELMING. 

NOT FULL OF EXPECTATIONS
THAT GET TOO HEAVY
AFTER A WHILE.

She was asking for advice, in the post.

Maybe some things I wrote, made sense.
Gave her another perspective.

"I want time and space for my hobbies"
Isn't asking for a lot, y'know?

So why should that be awkward?

Should be: "Okay, cool, do your thing."
Without taking it personally.

I like collecting rocks.
Why would a dude want to come with me
JUST TO DO THAT?

I like to knit.
Why would a dude want to come with me
to a knitting meeting?

Any solitary thing I like to do...
NOBODY HAS TO JOIN ME
TO DO IT WITH ME.

AND IF IT'S SOMETHING, 
JUST FOR ME, 
CAN'T I JUST HAVE THAT?

WITHOUT ANYONE 
MAKING ANY BIG DEAL
ABOUT JUST WANTING
TO DO SOMETHING BY MYSELF?

Why? Is it because they think I'm doing xyz
with someone else?

"You must not want me there because xyz."
No. I don't want anyone there
because it's just something for me, okay?"

DO I GAF IF YOU WANT TO DO XYZ BY YOURSELF?
NO? DO I TELL YOU TO GO HAVE FUN?
AND JUST DO MY OWN THING
WHILE YOU DO YOURS?

AND THEN WHEN WE MEET UP, 
YOU CAN TELL ME ABOUT IT, 
IF YOU WANT TO?

Or do I act all insecure about it?
"You must be doing xyz with someone else etc"

THAT bugs me.
Being accused of sh*t like that.
Just for wanting time to myself
to do something I like to do, alone.

Sure, I'll give some reassurance, 
BUT THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH OF THAT
I HAVE THE PATIENCE TO EVEN GIVE.

For an example:
My ex used to just go out, to do stuff.
While I stayed at home.

Wasn't a thing.

He liked going to a place
called "the cupcake lounge."

Did I ever, even once, say anything like:
"I don't want you to go
unless I come with you?"

Or anything along those lines?

Of course I got a bit curious
as to what he got up to while he was out.

But it never was a thing that he did stuff, by himself. 

He's a grown man, right?
He can go to "the cupcake lounge"
by himself, if he wants to.

While I stay home and do stuff I like to do.

Never accused him of cheating.
Just because he happens to like cupcakes.

Was I supposed to "go with him"
just to "make sure" he was going there?

Was I supposed to "make him feel"
any type of way
about him going by himself?

No. "Go eat that fkn cupcake, if you want to."

Who tf am I to be "the cupcake police"?

Y'know.

IF I wanted to be in a relationship, 
I'd want my "freedom" to do stuff I like to do.

while being "committed" to someone
who'd understand that
because they'd want theirs, too. 

BECAUSE IT'S UP TO BOTH OF US
NOT TO BREAK THE TRUST
BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.

So why do anything to fk that up?
Why fk up a "good thing"?

Why fight over cupcakes?
Just to fight over cupcakes?
Just to fight?

"I went to the cupcake lounge."
"Cool. Did you enjoy yourself?"

The thing that seems to slip some people's minds
Is that just because that person
is their boyfriend or girlfriend (or partner)
doesn't mean they are JUST that.
They are still a person
WITH THEIR OWN LIFE.

If I had to give up everything
that gives me any joy
DOING BY MYSELF
JUST TO BE WITH SOMEONE,
THAT PERSON
IS NOT FOR ME.

Because why should I have to give up
BEING MY OWN PERSON
WITH MY OWN LIFE
JUST TO BE WITH SOMEONE?

A woman in the knitting group, 
before the group "split,"

She was saying that her ex husband...
They were watching tv and she was knitting...

HE GRABBED HER NEEDLES AWAY FROM HER
AND TOLD HER HE DOESN'T LIKE HER
"DOING THAT."

BECAUSE HE WANTED ALL OF HER ATTENTION
ON HIM. 

WTF?!

WHAT KIND OF ARROGANT, 
SELFISH BS IS THAT?!

DA FUQ?!

I don't think I'd have to have the convo:

"Hey, are you cool with me doing xyz by myself?"
No? It won't "work out" then.

"Is it cool that I have hobbies?"
Yeah? Cool. Thanks for understanding.

But if you "have to" be up my @ss
ALL THE FKN TIME...

I DON'T FKN WANT THAT.
AND I SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED
TO WANT THAT.
ESPECIALLY WHEN I DON'T.

Like, if my boyfriend wanted to fk off
and eat cupcakes by himself
or whatever else, by himself...
HE'S FKN ALLOWED TO GO DO IT.

HE SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED TO
WANT TO STAY HOME
JUST BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE
GOING OUT
OR I WANT MY TIME
TO DO CRAFTS OR WHATEVER.

OR BECAUSE I'M SLEEPING
OR WHATEVER.

If he's got an itch in his gitch
ABOUT WANTING A CUPCAKE
AT THE FKN CUPCAKE LOUNGE
BY HIMSELF, 

HE CAN FKN GO DO THAT!
WHAT TF DO I CARE
THAT HE WANTS TO?

IS HE COMING BACK? YEAH?
SO SHOULD THERE BE AN ISSUE WITH IT?
OR ABOUT IT? NO.

But that's how I want to be treated, too. 
Like there shouldn't be a problem. 
About any solitary things I like to do.

Because why should there be an issue about it?

Am I making an issue about you wanting to do xyz? No?
Then why make an issue about me wanting to do xyz?

IF TWO PEOPLE
WHO ARE TOGETHER
CAN'T LET EACH OTHER DO
THEIR THINGS
WITHOUT
BEING UP EACH OTHERS'
@SSES, 

WHY FKN BE TOGETHER?
JUST TO BE UP EACH OTHERS' @SSES?
ALL THE FKN TIME?

OR WOULD THAT FEEL FKN CONTRICTING?

Can't y'all sleep next to each other
WITHOUT HAVING TO BE
TOGETHER ALL FKN DAY?
EVERY DAY?

IF ANYONE'S GOING TO ACCUSE ME
OF GOING OUT TO DO
ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT I SAID
I WAS GOING OUT TO DO
AND WANTS TO TRY TO MAKE ME
FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY ABOUT IT
SO THAT I DON'T GO, 

I DON'T WANT TO BE "WITH" THAT PERSON.
Fair enough to say, right?

Would anyone want to be with me, if I did that?
OR WOULD THEY WANT TO BE "WITH"
SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T DO THAT?

But I also wouldn't want to be with someone
who'd lie about doing something.

"I'm going to do xyz"
and then goes to a strip club or some bs.

A GUY TOLD ME THIS:
"Guys are guys. 
We could go out and do that...
But why? Get blue balls?"

I remember a guy I dated...
I was his first girlfriend...
So he hadn't really even kissed a girl before...

And he didn't know what blue balls were...

Anyway, it's a thing.

A girl in this building's a stripper
and invited him to go out, to the club. 

He said no because he told me
that he couldn't look at her the same
if he saw he in a state of "undress."

He didn't put it like that, 
but that's what he was saying. 

That was just before he said that
about getting blue balls, lol. 

At the time he and I started talking, 
the guy I dated and I...

I was just getting sober.
DATING WAS NOT ON MY MIND.

THEN HE TOLD ME
HE WAS STARTING TO GET
"LOVE SICK" OVER ME.

AND I GAVE HIM A CHANCE.

AT THE TIME, THOUGH, 
I HAD BEEN FOCUSING 
ON JUST GETTING SOBER.

I was on a self-improvement "kick."

THE LAST THING I WAS LOOKING FOR
WAS A RELATIONSHIP.

JUST WANTED TO QUIT DRINKING.
FOR GOOD.

AND... JUST...
LIVE BETTER.

Since he and I broke up, 
did I try dating a couple more times? Yes.
Did it go anywhere? No.

SHOULD IT HAVE GONE SOMEWHERE
JUST BECAUSE I WANTED IT TO? NO.

"IT" WASN'T UNDER ANY OBLIGATION
TO "GO SOMEWHERE."

JUST BECAUSE I WANTED IT TO?

WHO TF AM I TO DICTATE
WHETHER IT DOES OR NOT?

WHO TF AM I TO FORCE SOMETHING
THAT ISN'T WORKING
TO WORK?

JUST BECAUSE I WANT IT TO? DA FUQ?

That's what some people don't get.
AND THEY ACT LIKE IT.

"Break up violence" is a thing. 
A THING THAT SHOULD'T BE A THING.

If someone breaks up WITH YOU, 
THEY WERE UNDER NO FKN OBLIGATION
TO BE WITH YOU
ALWAYS AND FOREVER
NO MATTER WHAT.

AND TRYING TO ACT
IN ANY MANNER
TO INDICATE
THAT YOU BELIEVE OTHERWISE

DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT
THAT THEY WEREN'T
AND NEVER WERE
UNDER THAT OBLIGATION. 

Since they weren't and NEVER WERE
YOU CAN'T JUST GO TREATING THEM
AS THOUGH THEY WERE!!!! FFS!!!!

Would you want to be?
WHEN YOU HAD NO OBLIGATION?

"Commitment" shouldn't be a "trap"
to "make you" "obligated"
to give up your entire life
AND STOP GOING TO THE CUPCAKE LOUNGE
BY YOURSELF
WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND
WANTS TO SLEEP IN ETC....

Commitment is...
EVEN THOUGH YOU LIKE
GOING TO EAT CUPCAKES WITHOUT ME, 
I STILL LOVE YOU.

And sometimes I don't feel like
fkn eating cupcakes.
If you do, go for it.
WHO AM I TO TELL YOU NOT TO?
NOT WITHOUT ME?! DA FUQ?

Like give (your partner) room to fkn breathe, 
to fart without being up their @ss...

TO GO TO THE FKN CUPCAKE LOUNGE.
FOR SOMETHING TO DO.
WHILE YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

AND FKN BE SO DAMN SECURE ABOUT IT
THAT THEY FEEL OKAY
ABOUT DOING IT.

BECAUSE THEY'RE COMING HOME
TO YOU, RIGHT?

THEY'RE STILL ONLY BONING, YOU, 
RIGHT?

SO? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

Is the problem that you're SO secure about it
that they think you don't care at all?

Or is that another discussion?

WHAT FKN BUGS ME...
A CONVERSATION ABOUT SOMETHING

DOESN'T "HAVE TO" TURN INTO AN ARGUMENT.
ABOUT FKN ANYTHING.

LET ALONE A FKN FIGHT 
ABOUT ANYTHING.

A CONVERSATION IS
JUST A FKN CONVERSATION. 

AND IF I CAN'T HAVE A FKN CONVERSATION
WITH YOU
WITHOUT IT TURNING INTO SOMETHING
IT NEVER FKN "HAD TO" BE....

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. BE. WITH. YOU.

BECAUSE THAT BS
WOULD BE ALL
IT WOULD EVER FKN BE.

AND TO ME, THERE'S NO FKN POINT.
IN EVEN "ENTERTAINING"
EVEN THE THOUGHT OF IT.

Because maybe there's something
attractive
about a guy
who can just have a fkn conversation
ABOUT SOMETHING, ANYTHING
WITHOUT IT BEING "TURNED INTO"
SOMETHING IT NEVER 
EVEN HAD TO FKN BE!!!!!!!!

WHO CAN FKN COMMUNICATE.
WITHOUT BEING AN @SSHAT
OR A FKN CLOWN
ABOUT ANYTHING.

And definitely without getting "mad"
that I'm "immasculating" him
FOR JUST WANTING JUST THAT FFS.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT TELLING A DUDE
WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I DON'T

THAT MAKES HIM FEEL "LESS THAN A MAN"?
ANYTHING?
OR IS THAT IN HIS HEAD?

DOES IT "MAKE" THEM "INSECURE"
OR "LESS OF A MAN"

JUST FOR KNOWING AND SAYING
WHAT I WANT AND DON'T?

I shouldn't have to spell it out to anyone, though. 
Should be common sense
that I wouldn't want xyz
IF THEY WOULDN'T, EITHER.
RIGHT?

DOES THAT CASTORATE YOU SOMEHOW?
DOES IT CLIP YOUR BALLS OFF
THAT I DON'T WANT YOU
TO ACT LIKE AN @SSHAT
OR A CLOWN?
TOWARDS ME?

BECAUSE I DON'T APPRECIATE IT?
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT ATTRACTIVE, TO ME?

Or should I even "have to" be even saying that? At all?
What should I say?
"Mind not being an @sshat? Thanks!" ???!!!
"Shove your BS up your @ss and fk right off! Thanks!" ???!!!

OR MAYBE THEY MIGHT SEE WHY
I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO SAY THAT.
AND WHY I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO?

But being TO THE POINT ABOUT IT...
MAKES THEM SOMEHOW LESS THAN A "MAN"

AND GETS THEM ANGRY
THAT I DON'T WANT THAT SH*T?
DA FUQ?

Go cry about it to someone, I guess.
There are reasons I don't want that sh*t.

And not JUST because I'm too old for that sh*t.
OR BECAUSE IT'S NOT "NECESSARY."

Sure, there's no "need" for it, but

THERE MUST COME A TIME
WHEN THEY TELL THEMSELVES
AND REALIZE FOR THEMSELVES
THEY ARE TOO OLD FOR THAT SH*T.

AND IF THEY HAVEN'T OUTGROWN IT, 
THEY HAVEN'T GROWN TF UP, OKAY?

And I don't have the time to "explain" that
to anyone I "entertain" the thought of "dating."
IF I EVEN DO!!!!

BECAUSE IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT...
WTF AM I EVEN DOING?!!!

MAKING THE BEST USE OF MY TIME? 
OR NO?

This is part of the reason I'm not interested in dating. 
It seems like a lot of guys
turn things that never "had to" be a thing
into a things

just to say "you're immasculating me."
Am I? Or am I being so straight with you
ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT YOU FORGOT
WHAT BEING STRAIGHT
ABOUT ANYTHING EVEN WAS
ABOUT AND FOR?

Wouldn't you want me to be straight with you?
OR JUST BLOW SMOKE UP YOUR @SS
WHILE KISSING IT FFS?

NO. I'M NOT GOING TO BLOW SMOKE UP YOUR @SS.
AND EVEN IF THAT WAS MY "JOB"
I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO FKN DO. OKAY?

But I also don't "need" it to get "to a point"
that I "need" to be that fkn straight
WITH ANYONE, PERIOD.

Because there's a thing called:
COMMUNICATION.

This this called
COMMUNICATION

Allows people to have
CONVERSATIONS.

SO THAT THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE
THAT FKN STRAIGHT WITH EACH OTHER
ABOUT FKN ANYTHING.

AND WHAT HAPPENS?
THEY GET ALONG?

THEY UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER?
WITHOUT ANY BS?

THEY EVEN FORM A TIGHTER BOND?
THEY TRUST EACH OTHER MORE
WHEN THERE'S NO BS?

WHEN THERE'S NO POINT IN ANY BS?
WHEN IT COULD JUST BE THAT FKN SIMPLE?

SO WHY COMPLICATE IT?

If someone needs to "man up" then just do it.
Must be a reason for having to do it, right?

AM I FORCING ANYONE TO DO IT, THOUGH?
OR IS THAT STILL THEIR CHOICE?

They still have the choice to either
be a clown or not...

AND IT'S THEIR CHOICE, NOT MINE.
FREE TO MAKE THAT CHOICE
NO MATTER HOW IT "MAKES" THEM "LOOK"
OR "SEEM."

THEIR CHOICE, NOT MINE.

Since it's not MY choice, 
and I'm not forcing them into making a choice.

JUST SAYING WHAT CHOICE
I'D APPRECIATE IF THEY FKN WOULD MAKE
BECAUSE THEY NEED TO MAKE ONE.

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE TIME
FOR THEM TO WAIT AND DECIDE...

IF NOT BEING MATURE.... IS THEIR "THING"
THEY CAN TAKE THAT SOMEWERE ELSE.

If all you know how to do
IS FIGHT AND FKN ARGUE
LIKE YOU'RE IN FK HIGH SCHOOL

DO I WANT TO BE WITH THAT?
OR AROUND THAT? 
NO?
PROBABLY A REASON THAT I DON'T.

AND NOT MY JOB TO EXPLAIN WHY I DON'T.

OR DISCUSS IT IF THEY DON'T KNOW
HOW TO FKN TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.

And if they can't understand that, 
they won't understand me.

And we won't be able to reach an "understanding."
And not much else
to "base" a "relationship" on. 

On the fact we both smoke pot?
IS THAT ENOUGH? OR NO?

IF I CAN SMOKE A JOINT WITH YOU, COOL. 
BUT IF I CAN'T TALK TO YOU, 
IS THERE A POINT IN "DATING"?

IF I MAKE A POINT ABOUT SOMETHING,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO AGREE.

I'M NOT HERE TO "FORCE" MY OPINIONS
ON ANYONE.

BUT IF I HAVE A POINT, 
AT LEAST RECOGNIZE IT.

AND THINK ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE I REALLY DO NOT LIKE
HAVING TO MAKE A POINT ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT I SHOULDN'T EVEN "HAVE TO"
MAKE A POINT ABOUT, 
ONCE LET ALONE TWICE.

IF I ALREADY MADE THE POINT ABOUT IT, 
I ALREADY MADE THE POINT.

BUT DON'T GET "MAD" AT ME
FOR MAKING A FKN POINT.

I SHOULDN'T EVEN FKN HAVE TO DO IT.

But is there a point in getting MAD
that I even HAVE TO make a fkn point?

OR SHOULD I JUST MAKE THE POINT
WHETHER YOU AGREE OR NOT?
WHETHER IT "MAKES" YOU FEEL
LESS OF A "MAN"
JUST BECAUSE I'M A FEMALE MAKING THE POINT?

Would you feel more of a "man"
IF I WERE A DUDE?
SAYING THE EXACT SAME FKN THING?

Because, if you would, just tell me.
Maybe I'll grow a pair, overnight, just for you
to feel "secure" about your masculinity.

EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACTS.
ABOUT THE POINT I'M MAKING.

If it "makes" a guy feel like less of a guy
FOR A GIRL TO TELL HIM
"HEY, STOP BEING A FKN @SSHAT."

Then pretty much anything
could threaten his "masculinity"
in the exact same way.

Even a fart could "make" him feel like a p*ssy, right?

Shouldn't be anything "wrong" with saying
to anyone
regardless what gender you are, 
and what gender they are...

"Hey, stop being an @sshat."

What's wrong is "having to" say it.

Because, you'd think:
If A*** finds that REALLY FKN UNATTRACTIVE...
IN ME, AS A PERSON...

MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BE LIKE XYZ,
DOING XYZ, ACTING LIKE XYZ.

ESPECIALLY IF SHE WON'T
APPRECIATE IT OR RESPECT ME FOR IT.

Shouldn't be hard for them to say to themselves.

THAT being said...
Plenty of times I was unattractive 
because of all kinds of things
THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED TO
EXPLAIN OR SAY TO ME.
OKAY?

BECAUSE OF THINGS I HADN'T OUTGROWN.

OR WHATEVER.

Did I lose their interest? Yeah?
Did I lose their respect? Yeah?

Did it change the way they even looked at me? Yeah. 
It did. It's a thing.