April 20th

Back when pot was illegal, 
there were rallies on Parliament Hill. 

It was the only time and place we "could" smoke. 

Someone interviewed my mom lol. 
She had her picture in one of the "papers."

We used to get "free papers" that weren't
the main media "papers."

People used to pass them out at transit stations.

Not sure why they discontinued them.

Probably because the papers went online.

When I used to chill with the guy
who worked at the gas station
near where I used to live...

He'd get deliveries for newpapers, 
but not a huge stack.

So they were still selling physical copies...
Just not a huge stack. 

Probably either 20 of them, or under 20.

Anyway, there were probably over a thousand people
on parliament hill, lighting up at the same time.
At 4:20pm lol.

The "smoke cloud" that'd be drifting from there, lol. 
Probably couldn't be in that area
without getting a "contact high" lol.

I wonder if they've already "released"
that female who came back here yesterday...

I wonder if she'll be back today.

If we had security guards here 24/7
she wouldn't have made it into the building. 
And if she did, she wouldn't have been here long.

When I was a security guard...
The guards were there for "insurance purposes."

They needed someone there to make notes, 
do "rounds" and "ensure" stuff was "locked down."

Also, to call the cops if they were needed for anything. 

I never had to call them. 

If anything went down, I called my supervisor first. 
On the radio thing I had to carry around with me.

When I was a janitor, at the college, 
I had a radio, too. 
I had to clean the washrooms...

Every now and then, 
I'd hold the button to "talk"
and flush the toilet LOL.

Instead of hearing someone talk, 
they'd only hear a toilet flush LOL.

They couldn't prove it was me.
I got a kick out of it.

Anyway, back to when I was a security guard...

I had a post at a library that was getting built. 

There were two buildings joined together, 
but I was supposed to be at the library building...

So I was there, one night, and an alarm goes off...
I called my supervisor to let them know.

Cleaners tripped it.
Was a "false alarm"
but nobody told me they'd be coming in. 

So I didn't even know they were only cleaners.

Not like there was anything to steal at the library.
Didn't even have books in there, yet.

Just was creepy being there, at night...

I took a book with me.
"American By Blood"
by Andrew Hubner.

(I don't think I spelled his last name right).

It's a well-written book.
And it was his first book. 

I loaned it to a co-worker. 
We'd exchanged books.

To read them and give them back.

He really got into the book. 

It took me a while to get into his.
It was a book about vampires. 

Honestly, it took me a bit to get into mine. 
It's about the "civil war."

Some books have kind of a slow start
and the momentum picks up...

My neighbor told me that we "won"
the second world war
because we had a machine
that deciphered the codes
that the Germans were using...
To communicate their plans to each other.

If it weren't for that, we'd be speaking German.
They were that close to taking us over.

They were very advanced.
During the war.

Probably up to the war, 
and even now.

The machine's called the Enigma.

April 20th was the day of pot protests.
Because supposedly there are 420 chemicals in pot. 

Natural chemicals. 

Anyway, April 20th was h1tl3r's birthday, too.
I think about that, sometimes.
Not that it really or actually matters.
It's just a fact.

Like how JFK was @ss1n@ted
on my mother's first birthday.

A cousin's birthday is on 9/11.

When 9/11 happened, I was at school
and we were all sent home, early. 

A kid came into the classroom I was in
with a few other people... To tell us.

We were just goofing off in there...
And he came in to tell us...

I kinda thought, at first, it was a "prank"
or something and he said that we WERE
all allowed to just go home for the day. 

I guess everyone was trying to figure out
wtf was going on...

I remember going back "home"
and it was on pretty much every channel...

Was probably the same about JFK.

I don't think the guy who went down for it
was the one who actually sh0t him. 

I think he was sh0t much closer than
from a building across the street.

And they'd be able to tell the trajectory.

My neighbor was telling me that things
got "quiet" here after that guy jumped. 

He said that if it had been a "m*rd*r  
investigation, the cops would have been here
longer than they were.

Back at the building I moved from...
When there was that fire...

They had it taped off as a crime scene.
And the cops were there for days.

It was arson. 
The woman's son set it.
He knew she was in a wheelchair
and needed physical help to get out of bed...

That night, I just thought it was a fire.
It was on the first floor, by an exit, 
so I assumed everyone got out okay.

That wasn't the case.
It goes to show that people can assume things
that aren't actually the case.

I'd made a joke about the fire.
Not knowing she literally burned to death in there...

Well, the smoke would have gotten her
before she burned, but she did burn, 
and she did die.

And, stupidly, I made a joke.
Unknowingly, but I still did.

How was I to "know"?
Everyone thought it was just a fire.

I got a call the next day from someone
who wanted to ensure I was still alive. 
Because it was already going around
that someone had died in that fire.

She was the one to "break it to me."
I was pretty shocked, honestly. 

Just saying that the cops were around for days.

Maybe they could tell how the guy fell
from how he "landed."

The guy who jumped, here.

Imagine being "talked about" after the fact?

As though he's only known as the one who xyz'ed.

It could have been the eviction "blitz" they did, here.
Before I moved here, they'd evicted 50 people from here.

The apartment across the hall from me
has been vacant the whole time I've been here.
I've been here less than 2 months, now.

You'd think they'd fill it up right away.

People are waiting on lists for "housing"
and here, there's a vacant apartment...

Maybe more than one. 
I only know about this one, on this floor
because the notices they put on everyone's door
about work to the building they were doing...

Those notices are still there.

They roll up the notices and stick them
right behind the door handle. 
Between the door and the handle. 

There are two, still there...

And the mailbox is stuffed full. 

I can see it because there's a little "window"
on the box itself...

I can tell it's FULL because I wouldn't be able to
see anything through that "window."

I have to check my box more often...
I go check it when nobody's around. 

Then I don't have to stop to talk to anyone LOL.
Introvert to the max.

Even that neighbor who comes up here to visit...
I didn't have to "let him into" my "world."

Bugs me a bit when he makes comments like:
"You have a cute butt."

How many times has he looked at it?
Bugs me that he even did.

Reminded me of the comment the other guy made...

He'd looked at my friend's "junk"
and turned to me and said "I feel bad for you."

So I told that to my neighbor.
He didn't get why the guy said "I feel bad for you."
So I had to try to explain it.

It was because the guy thought my friend and I were
"together" in the sense that we were "sleeping together."

Wasn't the case. Just something the guy assumed. 

Maybe he was trying to figure out
why I "wanted to be with" my friend LOL.

We'd just gone out "dancing."
Because the "boxing" hall was made into a "dance" hall. 
They brought in a DJ and everyone had the floor to dance.

The guy was there, too. 
My friend knew the guy
from the 'hood we both lived in when we met.

We actually lived in the same building for a while. 
Until he got transferred out, too. 

I didn't want to live in his 'hood, though.
It has just as bad a dr*g issue as here, 
if not, worse...

But it's pretty much everywhere.
Not "contained" to just one "area."

I don't go to certain areas at night. 

My neighbor pointed out spots,
I can see from here, 
that get bad at night, especially.

Like that parking lot, across the street...
Where there were 4 calls for 0verd0ses, 
IN ONE DAY.

And if that's just ONE spot. 
Imagine everywhere else?

Summer hasn't started, yet. 
It's said to be WILD here.

The cops were here 3 times yesterday.
Just for that "couple" across the hall, 
down the hall from me.

I've seen the guy once or twice.
Whenever I heard her in the hall, 
I just kept my door closed and locked. 

I can kinda see the elevators from here.

So I could see the cops "escorting" her.
Into the elevator. 

She's a person, too. 
Just that we don't want to hear the BS.
All day and all night FFS.

At 2am? Like zero awareness
that there are other people who live here, too. 
WHO DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

I think she was getting charged with trespassing. 

Speaking of trespassing...
There's a 90s movie
that has Ice T and Ice Cube in it...
Called Trespass.

I loved that movie when I was a kid. 
I watched it around 12 years old or 13 years old. 
It was around that time that it came out...

Anyway, I had mentioned the movie
in a Music chat room I used to frequent...

Someone found a link to it.
I watched it again, from that link. 
It brought back memories of watching it back then...

Hard to explain that part, 
but many of them, in that room, 
had never heard of that movie. 

Thought it was cool
that the 2 rappers were in a movie together.

I think the movie was written by one of them. 

Anyway, the word trespass makes me think of the movie. 

She was told and warned not to come back and she did. 
That was her choice.

You'd think getting arrested the night before
would have made her not want to come back. 

I heard her say to the cops, once, yesterday
that she doesn't even want to be here...
SO WHY KEEP COMING BACK?
JUST TO WHINE AND SCREAM
AND POUND ON THE GUY'S DOOR?

How or why they'd been "together"
for as long as they have been... I don't know...

I wasn't venturing any guesses, 
but my neighbor, when I said that...

He says "She probably xyz's really good
and he supplies her with dr*gs."

Either way, it's none of my business WHY
they got "together" in the first place.

My point was "why even be together AT ALL
if the cops get called ALL THE TIME
ON BOTH OF THEM"?

My neighbor had told me that he just got out
of jail not long ago. 

They "release" them before 3 months.
Because you're only "allowed" to be away
from this place for 3 months
or you get evicted FFS.

This is like a fkn "group home"
in an apartment building "form."

With social worker "staff" even. 
They work for the city, 
but they have an office down stairs. 

With "strict rules" to comply with...
Just to fkn live here FFS.

Anyway, it's not a "cake walk" living here.
I've been told and warned to "keep to myself."
Many times, by many people.

To "avoid" getting caught up
in anyone's BS.

I already know I don't want that.
Nobody's worth the BS that comes with them. 

Sure, I've given people the "benefit of the doubt"
but just because I have, 
doesn't mean that I had to, ever.

As much as I want to see the good in people, 
is it worth getting caught up in their BS?

And the ones I did give the "benefit of the doubt"
it was always a "toss up" about whether or not
they'd be all about some BS.

Like mirror smasher...

He was all about his BS
and all his "baby mama drama" BS.

BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE LEFT HER.
AND HAD PLENTY OF REASONS TO.

BUT HE GAVE ME
PLENTY OF REASONS
TO JUST LEAVE HIM TO HIS BS.

He wasn't ever going to
just NOT be about it.

He had plenty of chances
TO JUST NOT BE ABOUT IT, PERIOD. 

To just fkn be decent.
With basic fkn decency.

And when he was making himself clear
that he clearly was still all about his BS
and wanted to keep being about it...

Nope. No thanks.

If he didn't want to be about it, 
WHY KEEP BEING ABOUT IT?

AND WHY BRING THAT SH*T TO ME?

I'm not here to try to "take someone away from"
their BS.

It's their job to just not be about it.
AND BEING ABOUT IT
IS ON THEM, NOT ME.

NO MATTER WHAT THEY TRY TO
PUT ON ME.

DEFLECTION AND DISMISSAL. 
SO I SAID: "GO AHEAD AND FK RIGHT OFF."

How many times does anyone
have to slam the door in their own face...

Before you've had ENOUGH OF THEIR BS?
Y'KNOW?

Let them get "mad" that you've had enough.
THAT YOU GAVE THEM TOO MANY CHANCES.

AND THEY TOOK YOU
AND ALL THE CHANCES YOU GAVE THEM
FOR GRANTED.

LIKE YOU WERE JUST THERE
FOR ALL THEIR BS...

And then to be treated like YOU were the one
"playing games"?

Why? Because I told them to fk off?
What does fk off mean?
It means: Fk off.

It means take your BS somewhere else.
I'm not "here for it."

I never "signed up" for any BS.
So why bring it to me?
Just to see if I'd "put up with it"?

Fk off means "No. Not "putting up with it."
Take it to someone who WILL.

Because I'm not. Just not.
WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO?

JUST TO BE "IN" SOMEONE'S "LIFE"?

IF THEY WANTED TO BE IN MINE, 
THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO BE.

A CHANCE I CAN "REVOKE"
AT ANY TIME, 
FOR ANY REASON. 

IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE A REASON,
DON'T FKN GIVE ME ANY.
Fair enough?
I think that's pretty "fair."

PRETTY DECENT OF ME
TO HAVE GIVEN AS MANY CHANCES
AS I DID.

But once they make it "clear"
that they have zero intent
TO, PROMPLY, REMOVE THEIR HEAD
OUT OF THEIR @SS...

It's "clear" enough to speak for itself. 

AND THEY CAN GET "MAD"
THAT I'M NOT "PUTTING UP WITH IT."

BUT BEING OR GETTING "MAD" ABOUT IT
ISN'T GOING TO KEEP ME
IN A "LOOP" OF THEIR NEVER-ENDING BS.

EVENTUALLY PEOPLE GIVE UP.
THEY WALK AWAY.

AND IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO, 
JUST DON'T BE ABOUT BS.

BECAUSE: DO I NEED THAT SH*T? NO?
THEN WHY BRING IT TO ME?

JUST TO TEST MY TOLERANCE TO THAT SH*T?

AS "KIND" AND "SUPPORTIVE" AS I CAN BE...
DON'T FKN UNDERESTIMATE ME
OR ASSUME I'M JUST
ALWAYS GOING TO BE THERE...

BECAUSE I DON'T "HAVE TO BE."
NEVER "HAD TO BE."

IT'S NOT MY "JOB" TO "DEAL" WITH THAT SH*T.

So getting "mad" about THAT isn't my "problem."
It's THEIRS. Not MINE.

I could be all "hurt" about how they CHOSE to treat me.
But why? Just to "deal" with the "pain"?

Sure, I used to let it "hurt," but why?
All they did was burn their own bridges.
Slammed the door in their own faces. REPEATEDLY.
NOT JUST ONCE...

Just so it could be "painful" for me?
Just to "hurt" me?

IT DOESN'T FKN HURT.

IT JUST MAKES THEM LOOK
A CERTAIN WAY.

A CERTAIN WAY THAT AFFECTS
HOW I LOOK AT THEM.
HOW THEY "MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK."

And if they wanted me to "see them"
in a favorable "light,"
they could have "behaved better."

THEY HAD THE CHANCE
JUST TO FKN BE DECENT.

AND BASIC DECENCY
ISN'T SOMETHING TO ASK OR BEG FOR.

ARE YOU EVEN BEING DECENT TO YOURSELF
IF YOU STICK AROUND FOR MORE OF IT?

I STUCK AROUND FOR LIKE 6 FKN YEARS.
"HOPING" HE'D "WAKE TF UP."

BUT WAS I SUPPOSED TO STICK AROUND
FOR 6 MORE?

JUST BECAUSE I KEPT "HOPING"?

I mean, I could have, but WHY DO THAT?
Just for the "potential" of it "getting or being" "better"?
WHEN IT COULD HAVE JUST BEEN
BETTER FROM THE START!

I already "put up with" a lot of sh*t 
from a lot of people. 

PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE TO BE IN MY LIFE.
AND I NEVER HAD TO BE IN THEIRS.

NEVER HAD TO GIVE THEM A CHANCE
LET ALONE 6 YEARS OF CHANCES FFS.

Kindness isn't a weakness, it's a CHOICE.
JUST LIKE IT'S A CHOICE TO WALK TF AWAY.

And sometimes people ONLY LEARN WHEN YOU DO.

And if they "refuse" to "reflect on" WHY, 
THAT IS THEIR CHOICE.

It'd literally be abusing myself
ACCEPTING ANY BS FROM ANYONE.

As much as I've treated myself
like a whipping post...

Why do that to myself? Just to do it?
Just because I got "used to" BS?

Sure, but just because I got "used to" BS
DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO JUST ACCEPT IT.

DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T GET "USED TO"
A COMPLETE TURN AROUND, 
THAT I CHOSE FOR MYSELF. 

If that means telling people to fk off...
THEY CAN FK OFF. 

NO MATTER HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT IT.
DID THEY CARE HOW I FELT
ABOUT THEIR BS?

ABOUT THEM BRINGING THEIR BS TO ME?

NO? SO WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT
TELLING THEM TO FK OFF?

It took me 6 fkn years
of chance after fkn chance
to finally be DONE WITH THAT SH*T.

Because you get to decide
HOW MANY CHANCES
ARE WAY TOO MANY.

And once you decide that...
YOU CAN DECIDE TO JUST
TELL THEM TO FK RIGHT OFF.

AND WHEN YOU MAKE YOURSELF VERY CLEAR
ABOUT IT, 
THEY HAVE NO CHOICE
BUT TO FK RIGHT OFF.

NO MATTER HOW THEY FEEL
ABOUT HAVING OR GETTING ZERO
ACCESS TO YOU OR YOUR LIFE, 
OR ANYTHING YOU GAVE FREELY. 

BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO!
NEVER HAD TO!

And if everything they chose OVER YOU
MEANT SO MUCH THAT THEY WOULD
CHOOSE IT OVER YOU...

YOU CAN JUST LET THEM HAVE THAT.
AND BE ALL ABOUT IT.

After all, it meant THAT MUCH TO THEM, RIGHT?

So why can't YOU choose what means MORE TO YOU?
THAN "DEALING" WITH THAT SH*T?

Don't you have a RIGHT to choose, too?
They chose what they chose.
So you can choose, too. 

AND IF THEY DIDN'T WANT YOU TO
WALK TF AWAY, 
WHY GIVE YOU A REASON TO?
LET ALONE A MULTITUDE OF REASONS?

Just so they can "test" you?
Push you to your "limits"?

AND THEN BLAME YOU FOR HOW YOU "REACT"
WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO PROVOKE
A FKN REACTION FROM YOU?

NOPE. THEY CAN FK OFF.

THEY CAN LIVE THEIR BS LIVES...
WITH ALL THEIR BS...
WITH THEIR HEADS UP THEIR @SSES
ALL THE FK THEY WANT TO.

DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO BE THERE
FOR ANY OF IT.

That's just how I feel about it.
After subjecting myself to it...
FOR FAR TOO LONG. 

I'M 41! WHY WASTE ANY MORE TIME?
ON ANYONE'S BS?

ON PEOPLE WHO COULD HAVE
JUST ACTED THEIR FKN AGE.
JUST GROWN TF UP.

BUT IF PEOPLE AREN'T TELLING THEM
TO FK OFF...
THEY'LL KEEP BEING ABOUT IT.

UNTIL THEY HAVE NOBODY TO BRING IT TO LOL.
NOBODY LEFT!
BECAUSE THEY GOT TIRED OF IT.

So "keeping to myself" isn't a "problem" for me.
What am I "missing out on"? BS?
Am I actually "missing out on" anything? No?

So why not just let them be about it
and sit in their choices...?

Just because you're leaving them to it...
Doesn't mean they "won."
It means they can just fk off. 
As simple as that.

Whether or not they are ever "sorry"
for anything they ever did...

DOESN'T MATTER.
WHAT MATTERS IS THAT
YOU CAN CHOOSE TO REMOVE YOURSELF. 
FROM THE "EQUATION."

ANY TIME YOU WANT TO!
OR DECIDE TO!

BECAUSE FK THEM AND THEIR BS!

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY KEEP CHOOSING IT.
AND KEPT CHOOSING IT.
THEY HAD THE CHOICE.

It's not simply a "mistake."
IT WAS A FKN CHOICE!
THEY CHOSE THAT!
ALL THE BS THEY CHOSE OVER YOU.
SO WHY WAIT AROUND
FOR THEM TO "FINALLY" CHOOSE YOU?

THEY COULD HAVE.
WHEN YOU WERE RIGHT FKN THERE.
THE WHOLE TIME.

If they already chose your "worth" to them...
THAT CHOICE WAS ALREADY MADE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM
GO BACK ON THAT.

ON ANYTHING. EVER.
EVEN IF THEY WANT A CHANCE
TO "REDEEM" THEMSELVES.

IF THEY WENT AS FAR AS THEY DID, 
OUT OF THEIR FKN WAY
TO DISRESPECT YOU...

THEY CAN FK RIGHT OFF. OKAY?

I know that at least ONE person needed that.
AND IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE
WHO NEEDS THAT, 
BY ALL MEANS...
LET THEM READ THIS
OR TELL THEM.

Because I've wasted enough time.
Nobody "has to" waste theirs.

ON ANYONE
WHO "CAN'T" OR "WON'T"
JUST BE FKN DECENT.

DECENT ENOUGH
NOT TO BE ABOUT THEIR BS
OR ANYONE ELSE'S BS.

And that's being FAIR to yourself!

THEY COULD HAVE JUST... NOT.
WASN'T ASKING FOR THE WORLD
JUST FOR BASIC FKN DECENCY!!!!

AND IF THEY TRY TO TREAT YOU
AS THOUGH YOU WERE ASKING
FOR TOO FKN MUCH
JUST FOR BASIC DECENCY...

THEY CAN JUST FK RIGHT OFF!

IF THEY CAN'T SEE WHY
THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN
FKN DECENT TO YOU...

LET THEM CONTINUE THEIR LIFE
WITHOUT YOU IN IT.

BECAUSE IT WASN'T YOUR JOB
TO "EXPLAIN YOUR WORTH" TO THEM. 
OR WAIT FOR THEM TO "FINALLY" SEE IT.

OR EVEN WAIT UNTIL THEY "GOT THE POINT"
OF YOU TELLING THEM TO FK OFF.

AND IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD TO FK OFF?
TOO FKN BAD.
THEY CAN FK RIGHT OFF ANYWAY.

REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY "WANT."
AT THAT POINT, THEY DON'T "GET TO"
"WANT" ANYTHING FROM YOU.
NOR SHOULD THEY KEEP "EXPECTING"
YOU TO BE THE "KIND AND MERCIFUL" PERSON
YOU CHOSE TO BE
UP UNTIL THAT POINT.

All the chances you gave THEM were YOU showing them
GRACE AND MERCY.

EVEN WHEN THEY DIDN'T FKN DESERVE IT!
DIDN'T EARN IT.

Anyway... There's a point to be made about it.
Pretty sure I made that point.
More than a few times.

Let's just say I had to become the new version of myself
TO MAKE IT CLEAR TO EVERYONE
THAT I NEVER HAD TO "PUT UP WITH" THEIR BS.
DESPITE ANYTHING THEY THOUGHT.
OR "BELIEVED ABOUT ME."

BECAUSE FK 'EM ALL.

AND JUST BECAUSE I'VE BEEN "QUIET"
DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T DISTANCE MYSELF. 
COMPLETELY
AND UNPOLOGETICALLY. 

No matter the "narrative" they want to tell everyone.

You don't have to "put up with BS"
to "protect" your "reputation."

LET EVERYONE BE WRONG.
DOES THAT CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT
WHO YOU ACTUALLY ARE? NO?

SO LET THEM THINK WHATEVER THEY WANT TO.
THEY CAN ASSUME BASED ON WHATEVER BS
ANYONE WANTS TO USE
AS AN EXCUSE TO BE ABOUT THEIR BS...

ASSUMPTIONS DON'T HAVE TO DEFINE YOU.
YOU DEFINE YOURSELF. 

AND IF THEY WANT TO BE WRONG, 
THEY'RE ALLOWED TO BE WRONG LOL.

BEING WRONG CHANGES NOTHING.
DISTORTS THE TRUTH A BIT, 
BUT DOESN'T MAKE THE TRUTH
ANY LESS TRUE. Y'KNOW?

And if nobody wants to "hear" my "side"
of the story... Should I give a fk that they don't? LOL.

Should that MATTER to me?
Should I cry about it? LOL.

Should I "fight" about it?
Or should I just continue
to live my life, on MY TERMS?

WITHOUT THEM PLAYING
ANY KIND OF ROLE IN MY LIFE?

BECAUSE I CAN, RIGHT?

And if they didn't realize that, 
IS THAT MY FAULT?

THAT THEY DIDN'T REALIZE XYZ?
WAS IT SUPPOSED TO BE MY JOB
TO "MAKE" THEM REALIZE ANYTHING?

If they haven't realized xyz BY NOW...
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT THEY EVER DO?
Are you supposed to waste time
UNTIL THEY DO, IF THEY DO?

NOPE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
SO WHY DO IT?
Just to waste time?

It took me 6 fkn years! 
Of wasted fkn time!!!!

WHILE THEY CRIED TO ME
HOW WHOEVER DID XYZ TO THEM ETC.

THEY CHOSE TO STAY IN THAT MESS.
TO BE IN IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THEY CHOSE THAT OVER YOU!!!
WAS THEIR CHOICE!!!

My brother'd birthday is in just over a week. 
He said my mom and I are invited to his place.
Our step-father isn't. 

And he'll take it out on my mom.
WHEN HE NEVER HAD TO FKN BE A D*CK.

AND WHEN PEOPLE ARE TIRED OF HIM
BEING A FKN D*CK
AND BEING A D*CK IS WHY HE'S NOT FKN INVITED...
THAT'S ON HIM. 

BUT MY MOM WON'T HEAR THE END OF IT.
HE'LL GO ON AND ON FOR HOURS ABOUT IT.

AND IF HE WANTED TO BE INVITED...
HE HAD MANY CHANCES
TO JUST NOT BE A D*CK.

But what does he do?
HE GETS IN OUR FACES
ABOUT WHAT HE THINKS ETC.

BECAUSE HE "NEEDS" TO BE "RIGHT"
ABOUT FKN EVERYTHING.
EVEN WHEN HE'S NOT!

But he'll be "offended" that he's not invited. 
EVEN THOUGH IT'S MY BROTHER'S BIRTHDAY
AND IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT OUR STEP-FATHER.
HE'LL MAKE IT ALL ABOUT HIMSELF. 
LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES.

And that's why he's not invited.
Simple as that.

So he can have a chance
to get in my brother's face
ON HIS BIRTHDAY?
TO RUIN IT?

He's so fkn selfish. 
It's unreal. 

BECAUSE NOT EVERYTHING
IS ABOUT HIM
OR WHAT HE THINKS AND WANTS!

If my brother wants ZERO BS on his birthday
WHY SHOULD HE INVITE HIM?

ISN'T IT HIS CHOICE?
SO WHY WOULD HE CHOOSE NOT TO?

That doesn't cross his mind, though.
He can't or won't reflect on his choices.
Ever. Why "should" he?
He's always "right" LOL.

So I've tolerated his sh*t
to have a "relationship" with my mother.

A "relationship" she wasn't trying to have with me.
BECAUSE WHAT HE THINKS AND WANTS
MATTERS MORE, APPARENTLY.

And that's okay. She chose to be with the guy.
AND TOLERATE HIS SH*T.
CHOSE HIM OVER ME, LITERALLY.
BECAUSE IT WAS "ME OR HIM" FFS.

I NEVER MADE HER "CHOOSE," HE DID.

THAT'S HOW FKN SELFISH HE IS.
TO "MAKE" MY MOM
CHOOSE HIM OVER ME.

Yet, I still show up to have dinner, chill...
Because she's my mother.

Once, my son asked me
why I have anything to do with her.

"Because she's my mother."

Otherwise, I probably wouldn't. 

And even now, it's a choice
to have anything to do with her.

She signed her parental rights away.
And told me she did
years after the fact
like it was no big fkn deal that she did it.

Left me there, as my grandmother and her...
I WATCHED THEM FKN DRIVE AWAY.

Did I have to have anything more to do with her?
After that? Nope.

It was for my Grandmother's sake that I did.

So, I'll see my mother like once a month. 
AND HER HUSBAND IS ALWAYS THERE.
MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT HIMSELF
LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES...

BUT I'M THERE FOR HER, NOT HIM. 

I do "placate" him on "father's day" etc, 
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO BE THERE
FOR HIS SAKE.

BECAUSE NOT EVERYTHING'S ABOUT HIM!

Anyway, I'm just saying that it's a CHOICE
to be in anyone's life.

EVEN IF YOU WANTED IT TO BE "BETTER"
BETWEEN YOU AND WHOEVER.

EVEN A PARENT.

My father wrote me a letter after I told my mother
that I didn't want to see him anymore.

HOW MANY TIMES WOULD HE HAVE
KEPT ME WAITING ALL DAY
TO COME PICK ME UP FOR THE WEEKEND?

And in that letter he said it was HIM who'd been hurt.
That I didn't want to give him more chances.

IF HE WANTED TO SEE ME, 
HE WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT ME WAITING
ALL DAY FOR HIM,
MULTIPLE TIMES.

IF I MATTERED ENOUGH NOT TO
DO THAT SH*T TO ME.

AND TO TRY TO ACT
LIKE I WASN'T HURT?
WHEN HE DID THAT SH*T TO ME?

ONLY ABOUT HOW HE FELT, THOUGH.

But I got the receiving end of it from my son. 

I know how that feels.
But I was the one who chose what I chose.
He didn't choose it for me.
Wasn't up to him. It was up to me.
Not to let him down. 

Not just as a "parent,"
but as a person who had a role in his life.

I hope that makes sense.

And if he wants zip to do with me, 
then he wants zip to do with me.

I have to accept that.
Even if it "hurts."

Honestly, it "hurt" so much more...
When that "wound" was "fresh"
but I still have a life to live.

Regardless of who wants to be in it or not.
Should I be "mad" about it?
Or cry about it?

No. Because not everything's about me.
No matter how I feel about it.
No matter what I want or wanted.
It's just not.