Not Owed To Me

Welp, going to bed super late means
waking up super late.

That cycle re-started, I guess.

It's "somewhat" "peaceful" at night.
If there are no false alarms
(or real alarms)
or sirens...

Someone I spoke with
told me that sound carries faster
in the cold.

I heard that sound actually travels fastest
in ice. 

Oh! He also said that something hot
actually freezes faster than something cold
because the molecules that are already active
(because of the heat)
freeze faster because they are already active.

He tells me all kinds of stuff.
Hard to remember it all, actually.

Some things stick out to me, though.
Like that "space" he pointed out, to me,
where there were 4 calls
about 0verd0ses in one day.

The thing is that there supposedly are
"safe injecti0n sites" in O-town. 
There was such an uproar about them. 

Just because those exist, 
doesn't mean "they" go to them.

Who'd go ALL THE WAY OVER THERE
WHEN THERE ARE PARKING LOTS,
STAIRWELLS, AND LOADING BAYS?

A lot of @ddicts just "tuck themselves away"
to do what they do.

A few places were pointed out to me
as "popular spots."
All in very close proximity.

I'm not against @ddicts.
It's just concerning
how "bad" the "issue" has gotten.
Especially in the last 8 years or so.

I don't know when "safe supply" started.

I think it started to try to "prevent"
the transfer of "diseases"
that are spread from "sharing n33dl3s."

That's the "harm reduction" side of it.
And if they get their "supply"
they won't be "doing whatever" (like stealing)
to get their "fix" (but a lot of "them" still do).

But, also, a lot of the "street drugs"
are CUT with "deadly drugs."

What I mean is that d3alers...

They'll have a drug that's 100%,
then they'll mix it with another drug
that ends up making it less than 50%.

And that drug they mix with it, 
COULD BE ANYTHING.
EVEN SOMETHING "DEADLY."

They do that because they increase their "volume" 
by mixing them together.

And they don't care about what happens
to the people who they sell it to.

Well, I don't know if I already mentioned this, 
but the EMTs can't keep up with
"the epidemic" and regular stuff.
So the firefighters are going to these calls.
To administer the "nasal spray stuff"
that saves their lives
when they 0verd0se...

Just that one spot, that I can see from here,
had 4 calls in 1 day.

Just that ONE.
What about other "spots"?

Maybe they are getting the same number,
OR EVEN MORE.

And people want to "look the other way"
even though it's "right in their face"
like it is...

It wasn't as bad as it is getting
or has been getting, 

but I can't say for sure
what pushed it over that "hump"
for it to get as bad as it has been. 

But like I've said, 
it has to have been something.

When sh*t's easier to get, 
it's easier to get.

But also, since I've been here,
the last couple of months, 
I get asked if I smoke cr@ck
or if I want to "buy some"
at least 5 times.

I'm just a random person
passing by...

SO WHY ASK ME?
JUST TO MAKE A "DEAL"?

I could be "infuriated"
but I'm more or less "disgusted."

Because I kinda look younger than I am. 
I could have been a University student
for all they knew, right?

There are two Universities in O-town. 
Usually, people come here for work, or school. 

And a lot of people come from Toronto, 
(because our traffic's not as bad).

Wild reason to move somewhere, eh?

"Toronto's 2 hours AWAY FROM TORONTO.
SO LET'S MOVE TO O-TOWN."

And once you're here, it's kinda like a blackhole. 
You CAN leave, but it's fkn hard
WHEN YOU GET SET UP TO FAIL
CONSTANTLY.

The rent's gotten to the state it got to
BECAUSE THEY WERE ALLOWED
TO JACK IT UP AS HIGH AS IT IS.

IF THERE WAS A LAW ABOUT IT, 
PRETTY SURE THEY WOULDN'T 
HAVE A CHOICE
BUT TO COMPLY WITH "THE LAW"
"OR ELSE."

So people don't really "see" that part.
They just see rent going up. 

Someone said that the price of gas 
decreased since covid.

The price of gas rose
to almost $2/L.

Now, it went down at least 40 cents/L.

The thing is that if Canada
had its own refineries

we wouldn't be sending our oil
to the USA to get "refined"
let alone buying it back from them FFS.

WOULD PROBABLY SAVE US MONEY
ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING
THEY COULD PUT TARIFFS
ON THE OIL, OUR OIL, 
THAT WE'RE GETTING REFINED BY THEM!

Stuff like that... A bunch of stuff like that.

ALL THE THINGS THEY GET FROM US...
WE COULD SLAP TARRIFFS ON...

But would they buy it, still?
Or would they get it from somewhere else?

We get around 30% of our food from the USA.

I read in a "news paper" that a lot of people
are "turning American products upside down."

So they can be "recognized" as American products.

I was saying to someone:
"Imagine if Canada boycotted McDs?"

He said there's probably a McDs Canada.

What if we pulled out all the Tim's from the USA?
And closed all the McDs here?

I think only some states have Tims. 
The nothern states.
Michigan's one of those states.

Imagine if all the McDs just... Poof gone! In Canada?
Along with other American "chains"
and we just had Canadian "chains"?

Pretty sure we do have "chains"
that are just in Canada.

I can't think of any particular one, at the moment, 
but I know that Harvey's is Canadian. 

Swiss Chalet, I think they are Canadian, too. 

I have an American friend who was hoping
that I didn't "stop talking to him"
because he's American LOL.

I was on pause with most stuff.
Even communicating with most of my friends
because it was pretty stressful just moving. 

And I didn't have the internet for a while, 
when I first got here.

I pretty much told myself
that everything and everyone could wait. 

Until I got "back into the swing of things."
And that if they didn't "understand" "why"
I was on a "pause,"
it wasn't my problem. 

I mean, yeah, I'd still've been there
if there was an emergency, or something serious...

But I just needed "some time" to 
"complete a move"
and "settle in"
at least a bit.

Anyway, I kinda laughed a bit
at the part where he thought I'd
not want to talk to him
just because he's an American LOL.

Did either of us have a say as to
where we were born?

No? So why "worry" about that?
Did I speak to you, 
before all this political BS
KNOWING THAT YOU'RE AN AMERICAN?
YEAH? SO WHY WOULDN'T I
JUST "ALL OF A SUDDEN"
DUE TO POLITICAL SH*T???!!!

THAT WE HAVE NO SAY IN???

Anyway, I did reply to his email
(maybe he thought I wasn't going to reply).

I explained why I took a "pause"
and it was only that I took a "pause."

And told him:
NEITHER OF US HAD ANY SAY
IN WHICH COUNTRY
WE WERE BORN IN.

SO SHOULD IT EVEN MATTER, NOW?
SINCE IT DIDN'T MATTER, THEN?

Someone I met, in Canada, 
he is from a south American country...

For months he didn't want to tell me
what country he was from. 

IT DIDN'T MATTER TO ME WHERE
HE WAS FROM. 
MADE NO DIFFERENCE TO ME.

He thought it would, though, 
and that I'd be "mad," even!

WHY WOULD I BE MAD AT SOMEONE
JUST FOR BEING FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY?

It'd be like someone being "mad" at me
FOR BEING BORN IN CANADA FFS.

Should it make a difference
that I was born in Canada?

No? So why should it make a difference
that you (or whoever) was born in
America, or Chile, (or somewhere else).

The only thing I care about is
having the RIGHT to take a "pause"
and being understood that it's just a "pause,"
nothing serious. 

People who can't read my mind, 
shouldn't try to read it LOL.

And maybe "hold off" on 
"jumping to conclusions."

Why would I ever be like:
"Eww! An American!!!"

WHY? 
You can't tell me WHY 
I wouldn't be like that, though.

That'd have to take "knowing"
"what kind" of person I am. 

And not many, actually know.

They can think they "know"
and I can "let" them think they know. 

What's wrong with
"letting" them be wrong?

They can be as wrong as they want to be
thinking they are "right."

I mean, if that's what they want to think...
And think about LOL.

They can be all about it
while I'm just "living quietly" lol. 

Keeping my "true identity" to myself
hasn't been about "protection"
(unless to try to protect "my sanity")
it's because if they don't "deserve to know"
WHY SHOULD I GIVE THEM
THAT CHANCE.

AND EVEN WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE
THEY ASSUMED TOO MUCH
AND RUINED IT FOR THEMSELVES, 

BUT FOR BOTH OF US. 

If mirror smasher hadn't kept slamming the door
in his own face WITH HELP
FROM JEALOUS FEMALES
TRYING TO BE "TERRITORIAL"
WHEN THEY DON'T
OWN THE GUY

UNLESS HE LETS THEM LOL.

But if he hadn't slammed the door
in his own face, repeatedly, 

things would have been very different. 

I try not to think about it as much as I did. 
I only use it as an example, now, 
pretty much it's all it's going to be good for, now.

Other than that, it's not important enough, 
to me anymore, 
to brood over it like I was.

And looking back to HOW LONG
I ACTUALLY BROODED OVER IT.

BECAUSE THERE SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
AN ISSUE
OTHER THAN HIS "ISSUES"
"CAUSING" HIM TO
"LASH OUT"
AND LETTING THESE FEMALES
TRY TO COME AT ME
JUST BECAUSE THEY FKN WANTED TO.
AND WANTED TO USE HIM. 

Those were the main issues
AND THE FACT I HAVE AN ISSUE
WITH THOSE ISSUES
BECAME AN ISSUE.

Because I was just supposed to "take"
ALL THE DISRESPECT, RIGHT?

No. Me, just existing
AND HAVING "HISTORY"
WITH SOMEONE

ISN'T SUPPOSED TO
GET ME "TARGETED"

AND THEN SAYING:
"I'M GETTING "TARGETED"...
(AND SHOWING PROOF)"
WASN'T ENOUGH
TO TELL THESE GIRLS
TO BACK TF UP.
OFF OF ME.

NOT ONLY THAT, 
BUT "WHY" SHOULD HE EVER
"SEE" MY "WORTH" THOUGH, EH?

THEN, WHY WASTE MORE TIME?

Was there ever anything saying I "had to"?
No? Then, I didn't "have to," right?

That's what some people don't "get."
PEOPLE WHO'VE TAKEN ME
FOR GRANTED, 
FOR YEARS,
IF NOT ALL MY LIFE......

I don't "have to" be in anyone's life.
Sure, I'd like to be a part of
the lives of those closest to me.

Sure, it'd feel nice that they
want me a part of theirs, too. 

BUT I DON'T HAVE TO BE THERE.

For an example...
When my mother signed her parental rights away
I DIDN'T HAVE TO
EVEN KEEP SPEAKING TO HER
LET ALONE BEEN IN HER LIFE
TO ANY DEGREE.

BUT DESPITE THAT, 
SHE'S STILL MY MOTHER.

EVEN IF SHE STOPPED BEING ONE
THE MOMENT SHE DID THAT.

Often, I feel like she never wanted to be one.
Not mad at her for that.
If she never wanted it, she never did.

Was my "unexpected" birth
supposed to "make her" want to be a mom?

She was older (than I was
when my son was born)
when I was born.

She was 21, I was 19, 
and my father was 19.

Maybe I "take after him" in ways
that I don't even know LOL.

I'm glad she gave me that card, from him, 
but WHY WAIT THAT LONG?

I was there, for my birthday...
And she gave me an envelope.

She knew it was "something of mine" in it.
But when I asked her what was in 
the envelope she said she didn't know.

Would have been nice to "prepare" me a bit.
"This might hit heavy" kind of thing.
So I could "brace myself"
for "impact."

"For your first Valentine's Day" card
(from my father).

(Valentines Day was his birthday).

(Given to me a day before my birthday).

It was like "I still love you" or something
from "beyond" if you can say that.

Kinda "emotional."

But she kept that (from me) for years...
Pretty much all my life.

At any time she could have
given me that card
since she kept it (for/from me).

"I'll keep this for her, 
for 40 years... " LOL.

"I kept forgetting to give this to you."

I can understand THAT, 
but to forget THAT????!!!

I guess she couldn't give it to me
when I was a kid
because I'd been irresponsible
with some stuff...
That got "lost"
"over the years."

Maybe she didn't want to hear
that I'd lost it, I dunno.

But, yeah, that kinda hit "heavy"
so I just try not to think
too much into her "reasons"
why it was "hidden" for 40 years.

My mom gave me some edibles pot infused.
I ate it and have been high
longer than I "expected" to be high.

She used to make pot chocolates. 

I heard that the "trick" is to mix it in the butter
if it's something you're adding butter to...

Anyway, it's not like I've
baked with it before. 

I got a dozen chocolate chip pot cookies before, 
they were pretty decent.

But those "extra strength" gummies...
I ate 3 and literally passed out lol.

I was "out" for hours hahaha.
Wtf just happened?!?!

Since then, I've been staying "away" from those.

Head buzzes are different than body buzzes.

Some prefer the head buzz, some prefer the body buzz. 

Kinda feel bad that pot's still illegal in most states.

The "reefer madness" thing was blown
way out of porportion. 

I don't "live for it" though. 
If I don't have any, I just don't.
Doesn't matter a great deal to me.

It used to, but, it's just a "thing."

There've been some medical uses
for THC oils and stuff like that...

Reduces seizures, reportedly. 

Supposedly, we have cannabinoid receptors
in our brains, even. 

I forget where I heard that, 
but it's possible. 

If we do, then what does that tell us?
And why wouldn't people want to know?
and why wouldn't "why" be interesting?

Just it's been... I don't have the words for it.
Other than frustrating. 

Being a female, I've been "subjected"
to a lot of BS.

BS guys wouldn't pull on other guys.

Like do you see guys hugging other guys?
Maybe sometimes
and a lot of guys wouldn't
ask for hugs from their male buddies.

Why, though?

Anyway, that and "coming onto me"
wayyy too strong. 

Like following me into (and out of) a building?
Exposing yourself to me (at all) in public...?
Trying to get me to watch p0rn?

If I were in a relationship, 
none of those things would be "creepy."

The "in public" thing would be inappropriate...
If there were people around lol. 

I thought an ex and I were "alone" outside
so I flashed him my b00bs LOL
and someone saw me do that LOL.
Didn't see my b00bs
but saw that I flashed them
(to my then bf) LOL.

Yeah, I was kinda embarrassed.

My friend told me that he and his (then gf)
were making out in a park
and he saw a dude yanking it, 
watching them LOL
Da Fuq?!

But my point was that some things
(in a relationship)
aren't as "creepy"
as when a total stranger does them. 

And a girl should just be allowed to "exist"
without any "creepiness."

I mean, what happened to "respect"?
Respecting a girl's right to choose
if she would or wouldn't want to
"engage" or whatever.

And just because I happen to be a female, 
WHY PROSE ANY KIND OF "ARRANGEMENT"
TO/WITH/AT ME?

ESPECIALLY IF YOU WOULDN'T
IF I WAS A DUDE.

And don't ever give me the excuse
that guys have "needs."

I have "needs" too.
Respect is one of them. 

Am I going up to my buddies
saying to them that we should xyz
because xyz?

OR DO I JUST LOOK AT THEM
AS FRIENDS?

AS PEOPLE I WOULDN'T DO THAT TO.
DEFINITELY NOT FOR SELFISH REASONS, EITHER.

Because why "make" them feel "uncomfortable"
AND WHY WOULD I SUGGEST
ANYTHING
THAT MIGHT SUGGEST
THAT I'VE ONLY BEEN AROUND
TO TRY TO HAVE XYZ
FROM THEM?
LIKE THEY WERE ONLY WORTH
BEING AROUND
TO TRY TO HAVE XYZ
FROM THEM?

And that's how a lot of chicks feel
WHEN GUYS ACT LIKE THAT
AND IT'S A TURN OFF.

At least, to me, it is. 

I mean, girls with no self-regard
or self-respect
or self-esteem

WOULD JUMP ALL OVER IT
BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T MATTER
WHO WANTS IT
ONLY THAT THEY WANT IT.

But, with me, I've come to realize
THAT CERTAIN PEOPLE
WHO DO THINGS
AND ACT IN WAYS
THAT TURN ME OFF...

THERE'S NO ATTRACTION, THERE.

Even if I forced myself, 
WHICH I WOULDN'T
IT WOULDN'T FEEL "RIGHT"
IT WOULDN'T FEEL "GOOD"
SO WHY DO IT?

Just because they want it? NO.

People can't just have what they want
just because they want it.

Like people getting "territorial" over me
AND ASKING ME IF I HAVE A BF.

JUST BECAUSE I'M SINGLE
DOESN'T MEAN THERE'S ANY INTEREST
OR POTENTIAL INTEREST.

It just means I have "goals"
and "jumping into" a relationship
isn't one of them.

AND THAT SHOULD BE ALLOWED
AND SHOULD BE FINE.

DESPITE WHAT ANYONE "WANTS"
"FROM/OF/WITH ME."

I wasn't put here to make everyone happy
and fulfill all their "needs."

HAD A HARD ENOUGH TIME
JUST BEING HAPPY
FOR MY OWN SAKE FFS.

(Still working on that, for myself).

How could anyone have "made" me happy?
I'd been depressed for so fkn long that
I forgot what it even felt like.

And I couldn't depend on someone like that
despite anything I thought I wanted, 
because then I'd only depend on them
like that, for that....

And less on myself. If that makes sense.

And I know what it's like
being on the receiving end
"expected to be the "perfect partner""
BUT JUST BECAUSE I WAS
EXPECTED TO PUT UP WITH SH*T
I NEVER HAD TO!

SO WHY EXPECT ME
TO CONTINUE TO?

Just because you got used to
DISRESPECTING ME?

You only got used to it
because I let you
AND GAVE YOU CHANCES
TO GROW TF UP.

AND KEPT GIVING THEM
UNTIL I LOST INTEREST
AND STOPPED SEEING "THE POINT"
IN IT.

IF THERE IS ONE.
But just because I couldn't see it
or stopped seeing it
doesn't mean there wasn't one.
Or more than one.

JUST SAID FK IT
TO SPINNING MY WHEELS
AND GET DISRESPECT
ON TOP OF IT?

WHY CONTINUE WITH THAT?

JUST BECAUSE IT "COULD" HAVE BEEN XYZ?
JUST BECAUSE IT "SHOULD" HAVE BEEN XYZ?

IF XYZ?
IF NOT FOR XYZ?

Sure, it could have been, 
it "should" have been
if this, 
if not for that... Etc.

BUT THAT ISN'T A REASON
TO KEEP SPINNING MY WHEELS
AS THOUGH IT'LL EVER "BE" ANYTHING
AFTER VARIOUS CHANCES
TO "BE" SOMETHING.

But why see my "worth"?
THE ONLY ONE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE IT
WAS ME, THE ENTIRE TIME.

REGARDLESS WHO DIDN'T
WANT TO LOOK "DEEPER"
INTO WHOEVER
THEY ASSUMED WHATEVER
ABOUT.

It was for ME to see.
And be shown to ME
through so many BS experiences...

I could have easily given up on MYSELF
a long time ago. 

MANY PEOPLE DID.
PEOPLE WHO SUPPOSEDLY LOVED ME.

WHO I ACTUALLY TRUSTED.

BUT DID THEY OWE ME ANYTHING?
JUST BECAUSE XYZ? NO?

EVEN THOUGH LOYALTY
WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

RESPECT AND DECENCY
WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

But am I entitled to anything and everything?
Just because xyz?
No?

So then? Should that be a "reason"
to be "jaded" and so "jaded"
that I give up on myself?

As much as company is nice to have, 
and affection, and even intimacy

I STILL HAVE GOALS
THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO
WITH ANYONE.

THAT SHOULDN'T "BOTHER"
ANYONE TO THE POINT
THEY'D "TRY"
TO "STOP" ME FROM
JUST ACHIEVING SOMETHING
FOR MYSELF.

It shouldn't "bother" me
that THEY have goals
that have nothing to do with me, right?

So why am I not allowed
to just have goals?

Shouldn't be an "issue."
SO WHY "MAKE" IT AN "ISSUE"?

If something shouldn't be an "issue"
WHY "MAKE" IT AN "ISSUE"?

It just seems that when someone wants ALL of me
ALL the time, it's an "issue" to them. 

And sometimes I like to have the time
to get some things done, to do things, 
to sort things, complete things, 

JUST TO THINK, 
TO MYSELF...

WITHOUT A LOAD OF EXPECTATIONS
PUT ONTO ME
FROM WHOEVER.

And when I can't just "get" or "have"
that "space" I feel like my "energy"
is "drained."

AND IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.

Like when I was staying with that friend...
She wanted ALL OF MY ATTENTION
AND ENERGY ALL DAY
SO I NEEDED TO DECOMPRESS
AT NIGHT, 
TO HAVE TIME TO FKN THINK...

And she'd like get "mad"
that I wanted to "stay up."

JUST TO FKN HAVE THAT!

I wasn't demanding that she stay up with me.
I was staying up
AFTER SHE WENT TO BED.
AND SHE DIDN'T "LIKE" THAT.
BUT I NEEDED THAT
TIME AND SPACE
AFTER GETTING DRAINED 
ALL DAY.

Because she demanded
all my attention all day.

She'd be like "listen to this song."
And I'd be quiet, listening to it.

"Why are you being quiet?"
"I'm listening to the song."

Stuff like that. It drove me nuts.

She could have been quiet, too, 
for once in her life, 
and just "listened" to anything.

Without having me "process"
a billion things spoken AT me.

Some people don't want to "process"
everything everyone's saying
because it gets to be a lot.

Even processing what I write is a lot
(not just because I write a lot).

So why can't we just sit there, 
quietly, not saying anything, 
listening to music?

DO WE "NEED" EACH OTHER'S
ATTENTION SO MUCH
THAT WE CAN'T?
JUST DO THAT?

JUST SIT THERE,
LISTENING TO MUSIC,
WITHOUT TALKING
EACH OTHER'S EARS OFF?

JUST ACCLIMATIZE
TO THE ENERGY ITSELF?

AND REFLECT QUIETLY
TO OURSELVES?

AND IF WE WANT TO TALK, 
WE CAN, 
BUT DON'T HAVE TO?

Wouldn't that be nicer
than expecting the other person
to give you ALL their energy
and attention?

A lady in the knitting group
said her (then husband) 
literally grabbed her knitting needles
out of her hands
BECAUSE HE WANTED
ALL HER ATTENTION ON HIM. 
DA FUQ?

What if he had a hobby
and SHE took it out of HIS hands
because SHE wanted all HIS attention
ON HER?

Would probably be seen as selfish.
S-E-L-F-I-S-H.

Was she expected to QUIT knitting
just for him?

Just because HE wanted HER full attention?

What I don't like about people wanting to hug me
is that I can tell what kind of hug it is.

Certain hugs are okay. Even nice.

Like that hug from the kid I gave the $20 Tim's card to.
He was so happy that he asked if he could.

That's different from people asking for a hug
Or a message or something like that

JUST TO HAVE A "REASON" TO TOUCH YOU.
OR FOR YOU TO TOUCH THEM.

THAT FEELS "YUCKY"
AND I DON'T LIKE IT.

I CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE
AND THERE MOST DEFINITELY IS
A DIFFERENCE.

And that has a lot to do with being a female
BECAUSE IF I WERE A DUDE
THEY WOULDN'T BE DOING IT.

THERE'D BE NO REASON TO, RIGHT?

NO "DESIRE" TO "TOUCH" OR BE "TOUCHED."

This is why I like having my space.

Because I can tell "the difference"
and I don't like how it "feels."

And most people don't think
that I can tell or know the difference.

That's why they even "try" it
and because I'm a female.

"who doesn't have a boyfriend."
Doesn't make me "fair game" FFS.

Doesn't mean anyone can call "dibs" on me.
Although that... Once.

I caught them doing it FFS.

YOU THINK I WAS IMPRESSED BY THAT?
THINK THAT WAS A TURN ON?
NO. I WASN'T.
IT WASN'T.

BECAUSE WHAT?
IT'S MY FKN CHOICE.

AND WHY WOULD I CHOOSE THAT?
IT'S GROSS.

"I MET HER FIRST." DA FUQ?

AND THAT MEANS? WHAT?!!!

I. STILL. HAVE. A. CHOICE.
MY. CHOICE.

Despite who "met me first."

Just because I'm "there"
doesn't mean I'm "fair game."

JUST FOR BEING SINGLE!!!!

That's "maybe" a reason
I prefer not to "date"
I've been turned OFF so much
that I just... Y'know?

By dudes slamming the doors
in their own faces.

With their own choices
and try to blame me
for choosing what they chose.

Could I have "retaliated"?
Sure. I could have.

But what's the point in that?

They already put it out there.
Doesn't mean it needs to be me
TO DISH IT BACK.

SH*T CAN HAPPEN
ALL BY ITSELF.

AND I DON'T HAVE TO BE AROUND
FOR WHEN IT DOES.

AND THAT'S MY CHOICE, TOO.

Because... I can just move on...
Or do my best to...

And why wouldn't I want to?

BEING MAD AT ME BECAUSE I WANT TO
DOESN'T MAKE ME NOT WANT TO.

BECAUSE THE CONTROL OVER ME
IS MINE.

LIKE OTHERS COULD CONTROL THEMSELVES
IF THEY CHOSE TO.

AND IF THEY DID,
MAYBE I'D HAVE MORE OF A "REASON"
TO EVEN BE "INVOLVED."

But someone who shows me that they can't (or won't)
JUST CONTROL THEMSELVES,

THEY AREN'T MAKING THEMSELVES
LOOK GOOD, TO ME.

NOTHING "IMPRESSIVE" ABOUT THAT.

NOTHING "SEXY" ABOUT THAT.

IT'S IMMATURE, EVEN.

AT LEAST, TO ME.

And it's not my problem
who has a problem with that or not.
It's just not.

It's like some people don't want me to have any
"standards"
for what I want and don't.

Obviously, I don't want things
that turn me off
because they turn me off.

And once I'm turned off...
It's just... What even is it?

Just a bunch of stuff
that should go "without saying."

Things that should be realized
WITHOUT HAVING TO SAY THEM.

AND IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY THEM?
AND THEY JUST REALIZED IT?
AND CHOSE NOT TO XYZ?

AND RESPECTED MY CHOICES?
AND THE RIGHT
I HAVE TO CHOOSE?

DESPITE WHAT THEY "WANT"?

Should what they want
MATTER MORE
THAN MY RIGHT TO CHOOSE?

SHOULD WHAT I WANT
MATTER MORE
THAN THEIR RIGHT TO CHOOSE?

NO? MAYBE THERE'S A REASON
THAT IT SHOULDN'T.

What if I went around saying:
"I met him first"?

AND ACTED LIKE THAT MATTERS
TO THE POINT
I WANTED TO "BLOCK"
ANY "POTENTIAL"
OF "ANYTHING"
WITH "SOMEONE ELSE"?

How would that LOOK on ME?

Would look a lot like
I WASN'T RESPECTING HIS RIGHT TO CHOOSE.

and that's how females acted towards me.
EVEN THOUGH I DID MEET HIM FIRST.

BUT EVEN SO,
STILL WHAT?
HIS RIGHT TO CHOOSE.

AND IF HE HAD CHOSEN ME?
AN UPROAR!
LIKE THERE WAS
FOR JUST FKN EXISTING.

HAD TO "BLOCK" AND "BE IN THE WAY"
TO "STOP" "ANYTHING"
FROM "HAPPENING" LOL.

BECAUSE IT COULD HAVE LOL.

But.. Certain things turn me off.
Regardless of what I thought I wanted. Y'know?

Just once wanting "something"
isn't enough of a "reason"
to stick around for more CRAP
that "turns me off."

And then to wonder why they'd do sh*t
they know I wouldn't "appreciate"
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T
IF I DID IT TO THEM.

Because they didn't have to, right?

Like they'd survive without trying to give "reasons" to touch me.
Whether it's "just a hug" or 
"just a massage..."

I can tell the difference
because I can feel it.

It doesn't feel "good."
And I don't "like" it.

Just like they'd survive
IF THEY CONTROLLED THEMSELVES.

SO WHY NOT JUST DO THAT?

BECAUSE IF THEY WANTED
TO CONTROL THEMSELVES
THEY WOULD!

EVEN OUT OF RESPECT.
IN GENERAL.
NOT JUST RESPECTING
THEIR RIGHT TO CHOOSE.

Like... It's crazy
what people will stoop to doing
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT
WHAT THEY WANT!!!

DOESN'T MEAN I WANT THAT, TOO.
I HAVE A RIGHT TO CHOOSE NOT TO 
EVEN WANT THAT.

WITHOUT HAVING TO EXPLAIN
WHY I DON'T, EVEN.

WITHOUT ANYONE
BEING MAD OR UPSET
THAT I DON'T.

BECAUSE BEING MAD AT ME
FOR NOT WANTING THAT

DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT THAT.
IT DOESN'T.

BEING MAD OR UPSET
THAT I HAVE A RIGHT TO CHOOSE
ISN'T RESPECTING MY RIGHT TO CHOOSE.

Should I be mad at "Iron Heart"
because he shut right tf down on me?
No! It was his choice.

So then, shouldn't I respect his choice?
Regardless how I "feel about it"?

He likely knows he has a piece of my heart.
He likely knows why.

Regardless of how or why "things ended."
Doesn't mean I have to be "mad" or "upset"
that it "ended."
IT WAS HIS CHOICE. RIGHT?

He can choose
who he has in his life, 
who he thinks it's worth his time
to talk with, 
be involved with
on any level
to any capacity.

HE CAN BECAUSE IT'S HIS CHOICE.

BESIDES, I'M A CANADIAN.
HE'S AN AMERICAN.

(POLITICS ARE SUPPOSEDLY
SUPPOSED TO DIVIDE US. LOL).

But would "other things" have "worked out"?
OR MAYBE THERE WERE THINGS ABOUT ME
THAT TURNED HIM OFF.

PROBABLY.

BUT REGARDLESS OF THAT,
STILL HIS RIGHT TO CHOOSE.

And honestly, I'd be happy
JUST KNOWING THAT HE IS.
NO MATTER WHO HE CHOOSES
TO HAVE IN HIS LIFE
OTHER THAN ME.

NO MATTER THE "REASONS."
And anything I "had wanted"
wasn't owed to me.

Anyway, I gotta go "do stuff."
Catch ya later!